


Ky Solo Needs a Nerd

by enloeddmedia



Series: The Galaxy Needs a Nerd [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Add-on to Original Story, Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And there will be droid smut, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Because poor Kylo has been through a lot, Because that's the kind of mean author I am, Ben is a hero even at home, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, Caverns and Rancors, Character Study, Child Soldiers, Children, Depression, Droid sex, Everyone lives, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flashbacks, Genetic Disorders & Abnormalities, Headaches & Migraines, Humiliation, Humor, Ky and Leia will make you melt, Ky is adorably clueless, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Kylo and Rey have issues to work out, Kylo is a monster - in the sheets, Kylo is experimental, Leia's the best space mom ever, Like modern life but with lightsabers and Force, Living with Ben and the Galaxy Gang, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Melanie4Now, Mello - Freeform, Memories of Exegol will be painful, Mental Health Issues, Mild but potentially triggering, Multi, Nightmares, Not responsible for your tissue supply, Okay maybe some very minor bad guys may see a lightsaber, Oral Sex, Other, POV Kylo Ren, Parents Han and Leia, Past Child Abuse, Poor squishy Ky is trying his best, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Promise there will be laughs, Protective Kylo Ren, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Relationship Issues, Self Righteous Jedis, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Shame, Sometimes Kylo is not nice, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, Then you will laugh, Therapist discussions, This is darker than Galaxy!, This is for those who loved Ky Solo, Totally a sexbot, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Relationships, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Kylo Ren, but he's trying to be better, not quite a sequel, yes you heard that right, you will cry, you will feel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 209,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27018817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enloeddmedia/pseuds/enloeddmedia
Summary: It’s one thing to save the galaxy, quite another to live in it.Kylo was created and raised for destruction and war. Now that he's freed of Palpatine’s clutches, he has to learn a whole new way of living. But old habits and teachings die hard, and there are many more scars beneath his surface. Thankfully he has Ben, Leia, and his new family to help him see it through.Join Ky Solo as he learns what it is to really be human, from his broken new start on life, his flashes to his terrible past, his rise to superstardom, and his quest for a Rey to call his own.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: The Galaxy Needs a Nerd [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971943
Comments: 223
Kudos: 66





	1. Kylo Gets Into the House

**Author's Note:**

> This is an add-on pack for "The Galaxy Needs a Nerd," not quite a sequel. If you haven't read it, you probably should first, otherwise you will have no clue what's going on and why. Most of this takes place after the final battle and focuses on the lives of the Solo family told from Kylo's point of view as he explores a world so different from which he was raised. 
> 
> IMPORTANT! Galaxy was basically a comedy/dramedy with more focus on adventure and laughs with a few tears along the way. Since this is Kylo's painful story, this will be much heavier on the angst with humor alongside it, but expect some deep feels and painful moments as well as some of the sweetest and heartwarming. I won't be brokenhearted if you choose to skip this since it's not quite the comedy/adventure of Galaxy, and in some ways I almost felt hesitant to put it up because it's so angst heavy in comparison. But Kylo is adorable, Ben is adorable, Rey is still a badass with heart, Han still won't stop bantering with Ben, and Leia is the sweetest space supermom ever. This is especially for those who really fell for Ky and couldn't get enough of him. And yes...we will definitely explore his relationship with Melanie the droid...very explicitly (yes, you can run screaming now, it's okay, I'm a lunatic, what can I say?) 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS. Let's start off by saying Kylo was raised for war, to be a Sith Lord with no conscience (which is a huge burden on his big heart.) His upbringing was brutal to say the least, and there will be flashback memories to his abuse and painful moments. There is usually one about every chapter, but I will try to warn when some of the really graphic ones come up if you want to skip. Needless to say, this wasn't an environment conducive to healthy relationships or social interactions, so he will at times exhibit toxic traits (which are quickly dealt with, especially when Rey is involved...) but may be upsetting for those who have been in toxic or abusive relationships. I may have missed tags, so feel free to offer a gentle suggestion if it needs one. Again, this is the darker cousin to Galaxy (which makes sense considering the main character) so I apologize for not making it the light-hearted read of the original, even if there will be humor, sweet feels, fluff, and fun mixed in with the pain. For some reason, Ky's story wanted to be told (probably because he needs a thousand hugs and is hoping you'll give him some,) and there are thorns attached to his roses.
> 
> Please keep in mind I'm in no way a mental health professional, and while I always aim to treat mental health issues and neurodivergence with respect (especially as a neurodivergent in a family of same with varying mental health issues,) I may not always get the character expressions right. If I have made any serious errors, gentle suggestions are welcome. 
> 
> I also recognize that in reality, someone with Kylo's past as depicted in this story would have a HUGE mountain to climb in learning healthy behaviors, and it will probably seem like he's learning and adjusting way too fast. That's purely the fiction side of it, to keep in line with the timelines of the original, so yeah, at the end of the day, this is really just space wizard fanfic and not a 1 to 1 representation of reality.
> 
> Since this is MOSTLY Kylo's POV (sometimes there will be a switch to give deeper insight to a situation, but I'll mark those) the writing and speech may seem clipped and shorter, especially in the beginning. That's by design. The more Ky grows, the broader his expression range, so if the writing at first seems off from my other stuff, that's the reason why. Also, he can at times be an unreliable narrator, thinking the worst in a situation, but don't worry. Ben will be there for him, and we have to trust in our big nerdy space muffin to rescue Ky (a lot.)
> 
> Finally, there are SOME timing retcons with Galaxy, mostly because I wanted Ky to have actual relationships before he goes off to star in movies, not just with Melanie LOL. If I had any plans to write this while writing Galaxy I would have made sure to keep both consistent, but this kind of just exploded out of pure love for the character Kylo became.
> 
> So yeah, now that I've made you not want to read this, enjoy reading!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We start off soft as Kylo steps onto Chandrila for the first time and gets a taste of the life he has waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a flash to Kylo's past, but nothing graphic. Expect some feels.

_Home…_

Kylo watched through the transparasteel windows of the Falcon while Ben told him all about his new home planet. Trees and sunshine, grass beneath your feet, games and food by an ocean he could swim in, once Ben taught him how to swim. It was like a wild dream he hoped he’d never wake from.

Because if he ever saw the inside of Exegol ever again, his entire soul would shatter.

Once the Falcon landed and the ramp lowered, Kylo couldn’t wait to experience everything. He rushed down right into the sunlight, so bright it snapped his eyes shut. But it felt so _warm_ on his skin, so joyful and bright. And the air, it smelled so lush and fresh, incredible aromas he’d never experienced before. His body craved these new scents, wanted so much more.

Kylo couldn’t stop smiling. “So warm…I can’t see, but it feels so good. I never felt sunlight on my skin before.” Moments later, something landed on his head. The harsh brightness shaded, letting his eyes open to all around him. He touched the wide brim of the hat now on his head.

Ben smiled, eyes hidden by his sunglasses, the rest of his body shaded by the parasol. “Don’t stay out too long or you’ll burn. You’ll have to build a little tolerance.”

A broad smile spread across Kylo’s face as he took in the house, the incredibly blue sky that reminded him of Ben for some reason, Leia’s garden full of colors and flowers and flitting creatures that had their own sparkle. He nudged the grass by his toes, the ground so soft and springy. “I can’t believe I get to stay here.”

Rey put her arm around Ben’s waist. “I know exactly how you feel.”

They were home. His new family. Kylo got to have a brother that loved him enough to save his life in every way possible, a mom who made yummy food and stroked his hair, a dad who cared about him enough to let him fly his ship, and a giant, strong uncle who was a great wrestling buddy and made him laugh, usually at Ben’s expense.

And of course, Rey.

Beautiful Rey who would never be his, but she loved him in a different way now, a special way, that said she would fight beside him, lift him from the ground, tend his wounds, and always be there for him even if she wouldn’t kiss him anymore or love him like she did Ben. Kylo didn’t understand at first, didn’t understand what happened between them at all, why she had left him, why she had run to Ben when they looked the same.

But once he got to know Ben, he understood. Ben had a loving light and brilliance about him, and Kylo was drawn like a moth to a flame (and Ben was terrified of moths for some reason, his elder brother really was a mystery.) For a person like Kylo, Ben was _life_. He was loving and kind, generous and understanding, patient and attentive, full of a joy Kylo wanted so badly.

Ben was teaching him that there was so much good in the universe, so many nice things, happy things, that life wasn’t a bleak, painful misery. What did a monster, a failed experiment, a sub-human creature like Kylo do to deserve all this?

Kylo stepped inside his new home and couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He had only known the cold combination of ancient and mechanical of Exegol, then the stark coldness of the Star Destroyer. This place radiated warmth: fluffy couches, intimate dining area, many windows with so much light pouring in. Beneath his feet was a plush carpet, and he had to take off his boots and just press his feet into it, letting his toes grip at the firm fluff.

Droids greeted him bearing gentle faces and kind words, not steely and commanding like on Exegol and the Star Destroyer. He wished these droids had taken care of him as a baby instead of the ones that had been tasked with the job.

Leia showed him where all the food was stored and where to find the dishes, telling him he could take whatever he wanted at any time. To stare at all those containers and know that he could have them, whenever he was hungry, and not have to beg or kill for it? It was beyond a dream come true.

Kylo still couldn’t get over all the windows and the _brightness_ when Ben beckoned him to follow. That soft, thick carpet caressed his feet as he followed his brother and Rey upstairs. Ben pointed into a room that was only a little less bright than the downstairs. Everything in there was a mix of grays and whites, but bright and cheerful. That soft carpet lined the floor, curtains billowed in the breeze over the windows, and centered in the room was something that looked like a bunk but had far too many pillows and blankets. Perhaps it was for storing such things.

“Until we decide to move,” Ben said, “this is all yours, Kylo.”

Kylo stepped in, completely floored. “This is for me?”

Ben smiled. “Yep! And there’s your fluffy bed I promised.”

So that _was_ a bed! When Ben said this room was for him, he had already started scoping out a corner on the floor he could hunker down into, but he had an actual, real bed, and all those pillows and blankets were for him!

Everything looked so soft, cushiony, inviting. He giggled in glee and leapt onto the bed, sinking into layers and layers of softness that delighted his skin and cradled his body. Tingles of pleasure raced through him, something he hadn’t felt in so long. He dug himself into all those thick pillows, grabbing and holding onto them and just nestling into all that softness. The blankets felt even more wonderful beneath him. He grabbed the fabric and just rolled until he was wrapped tight and firm in fluffy bliss.

This was magic. Everything about it was pure magic. He didn’t know how he could feel so happy. And _warm._ Ben said he’d never have to be cold again, and with these magical blankets, Kylo truly believed it.

Ben really had given him _everything._

His big brother, the man who saw something worthy and good inside of Kylo and gave him everything, with no expectation, no goal, no exchange. Just “come home and be a part of our family.” Ben expected nothing out of him.

Kylo untangled himself from the blankets, leapt off, and grabbed Ben in a giant hug. “Thank you!” Kylo wished he could do more than just thank him. Ben had given him so much, more than Kylo ever imagined he could have. A simple thank you seemed weak and minimal, but it was all Kylo had.

Ben squeezed his brother back. “Of course, Ky. And when we get a bigger place, you can set up your new room exactly how you want it, whatever you want.”

Whatever he wanted? He couldn’t imagine anything more. “I already have everything I want.”

Ben breathed into his brother’s shoulder. “Me too, Kylo. Me too.”

Kylo continued to hold him, because it felt so good to be held and to hold someone else. To be touched, to be loved, to feel worthy to another, it all seemed like minor things, but not to Kylo. To him, it was everything.

#

After exploring the lab, Kylo wanted to head back upstairs into the bright rooms again. The basement looked like a lot of fun, but he had spent so much time behind thick walls with no view.

Kylo just stood there, fingers pressed against the cool glass, marveling at the world outside. Blue interspersed with white fluffy clouds, green grasses and flowers so bright in the sunlight.

“Kylo,” Leia said and grasped his arm with such gentleness and loving intent. Somehow she knew what he needed all the time. She just knew, he never had to ask, and her loving, motherly touches just made him glow. “Would you like to go outside and see the gardens?”

His eyes widened. “Can I?”

“Any time you want. This is your home too, now, and you get to explore anything you wish.” She waggled her finger. “But I’d stay away from Uncle Chewy’s room unless he invites you in. He’s been known to throw a chair at those who barge in.” She smiled. “Suffice to say, always signal or knock at someone’s bedroom door or if the shared bathroom is closed.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

She waved her hand and the sliding glass door opened. “Come, let me show you my pride and joy.”

Kylo stepped out and flinched at the sunlight in his eyes. Moments later, a hat appeared on his head once again, Leia smiling before him. “I’ve been sticking hats on a screaming, blinded Ben for thirty years, I know the drill.”

Again, she knew exactly what he needed. No one in his life had ever cared enough to try until now. Leia led him along that soft grass and told him the names of all her flowers. Kylo had never seen plants like these, and he had only known flowers from Sith holocrons and books on the usage of herbs in old rituals.

“Come,” Leia said, “smell these. They’re my prize roses. Now, always check the flower first to make sure there isn’t a bee inside before you sniff. You don’t want to get stung.”

Kylo frowned, feeling his warrior blood churn. “Are these creatures dangerous?”

“Actually, they’re quite helpful. Here’s one, look closely but don’t touch.”

Kylo eyed the fuzzy creature that made a strange buzzing sound. It seemed soft and harmless.

Leia smiled. “See, they just want to go about their lives doing what they need to do. But if you scare them or try to handle or hurt them, they have the power to attack, to fight off their enemy. And it hurts like hell, but the bee’s just trying to protect itself and will only wield its weapon if it thinks it’s in danger. Think of it as the bee’s lightsaber.”

That made a lot of sense. If a giant beast had come into the yard, Kylo would be the first to draw his lightsaber, to protect his family.

“Here.” Leia tilted an orange flower full of curled petals in his direction. “No bees but watch the thorns. You have to be careful how you handle roses. Go ahead, smell.”

Kylo dipped his nose into the flower, feeling such delicate softness envelop his skin. He inhaled and drank in an incredible scent that had no words to describe it. He smiled at the light and joyous feeling it gave him. “I like it.”

“This rose has a bold, fruity scent to it. Try this one.”

The white felt just as soft, but the scent was different, still just as incredible.

“The double-moon rose has a more perfumey smell to it. Now try the Lavender Tea one here, which has a scent you could just drink it’s so good.”

Kylo followed her through all the flowers, enjoying every sniff and their delicate beauty. It seemed like a dream because he never imagined anything like this could exist, yet here he was. It was real, and he could enjoy it any time he wanted. No one was going to take it away from him the moment he got it.

“Here, try this.” Leia picked a fruit off of a bush and handed it to him. “It’s a _shorba_ berry. Tell me what you think.”

Kylo popped the berry into his mouth and brightened immediately. “It reminds me of the roses.”

“Wonderful, aren’t they? You can have as many as you like.”

He marveled at everything around him. “I never knew the galaxy had things like this. I never knew it was so beautiful. If I had, I wouldn’t have…” Guilt and regret poured into his gut.

Leia grasped his arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Kylo, the only thing the past is good for is to teach us to do better. Do you think you’re doing better?”

He swallowed. “I’m trying.”

“Well, for someone who helped save the galaxy, I think you’ve been doing more than trying. When we know better, we do better, right?”

Kylo nodded. He really wanted to do better. He wanted to be worthy of all these beautiful things and kind words and gentle touches.

Leia smiled, which filled him with a sense of pride, the good kind, not the one for slaughtering his enemies. Then something caught her attention, and she waved him over. “Kylo, here, stick your finger out and come closer to this flower. I want to show you something I can’t show Ben.”

“Why not?”

“Because he won’t even come into the garden unless I force him, too damn scared of everything in it. Here, come closer, nice and slow. See that?”

He wasn’t sure what he was looking at, some sort of flat creature like a closed book. Then it opened up to show two huge, ornate wings in an electric, luminous blue. His entire body lit with awe.

Leia coaxed his finger forward. “Nice and slow. The _canaba_ butterfly is surprisingly docile as long as you approach it in just the right way. We’ll get nice and close, and it will climb onto you. Don’t worry, it can’t hurt you. Only tickles a little.” She guided his finger right underneath it, and moments later, the butterfly climbed on. Kylo lifted his finger, and the butterfly flexed its beautiful wings once more.

Kylo let out a soft laugh of joy, amazed that this beautiful creature trusted him enough to be so close and share its beauty. The wings flapped again, and he watched as the colors changed depending on how the light hit it, from greens to purples and all the blue in between.

“Just let it ride your finger,” Leia said, just as joyful as he felt. “Whatever you do, don’t touch its wings. They’re very delicate, and even if we are trying to be gentle, we can do a lot of damage if we don’t handle them right.” She looked up at him. “Some living beings are big and strong, like you and your Uncle Chewy and even Ben, though he does whine every time he bumps his arm or gets a scratch. You can take big, rough hugs and wrestle. But some beings are very delicate. They’re not as big and strong as you, and they may not have the capability to use the Force. Just like with this butterfly, we have to be gentle in how we handle them.”

Leia had a way of helping Kylo understand how this new life of his was supposed to work. “Just like I have to be gentle with you, but I can jump on Uncle Chewy with a hug.”

“That’s right. You’re going to meet lots of new people on Chandrila, maybe even lots of girls with that handsome face of yours.” Kylo grinned. “Just like with the butterfly, it’s best to be gentle and let them take the lead in how they like to be handled. We always have to respect others’ bodies and boundaries.”

“What are boundaries?”

“Those are places others aren’t allowed to go or touch without our permission.” She grasped his upper arm. “Is it okay if I touch you like this?”

“Of course. You’re my mom.”

Leia smiled, then turned serious as she asked the next question. “And what if a person you didn’t know did the same?”

His mood shot right into the ground. He felt cold and sprung into alert. “I don’t want strange people to touch me.”

“See? That’s a boundary. And everyone’s boundaries are different, but no one likes when they are crossed.”

Again, she put things in ways he could understand. It was hard having to learn all these new ways of interacting with others. “How do I know what someone’s boundaries are?”

“They may tell you, or you can ask. And some are just expected, and we’ll go over those as time goes on. Ah, come, I want to show you one more thing.”

When Kylo turned, the butterfly flapped its wings and lifted into the air, the shifting colors dancing in the light. He’d never seen something so beautiful in his life.

Except for Rey, of course.

Leia led him to a plant that had holes in its leaves. She stuck her finger out, and on it crawled a long creature with alternating, colorful stripes and lots of legs. “This is the caterpillar for that butterfly. That’s why I planted this bush here, to be a source of food, so the _canaba_ always comes back. Here, would you like to hold him?”

Kylo nodded, smiling. Leia touched her finger to his, and the caterpillar moseyed onto his skin. He laughed as it inched its body along.

Leia grinned. “You’re a lot more fun to bring into the garden than your brother, that’s for sure. He would have needed resuscitation by now.”

Kylo eyed the caterpillar in complete fascination. “So this little thing will become that beautiful butterfly?”

“Yep. It will eat and eat and grow, and then it will form a cocoon and transform into its final and most magnificent form.”

Kylo let it crawl back onto the plant, figuring it was probably hungry. He was always hungry. Usually it was for food, but also knowledge and experiences.

Especially love. He’d spent his entire life being starved in so many ways. He understood that caterpillar’s hunger. “Will I be beautiful one day?”

“Ohhhh Kylo.” Leia grasped his cheeks and pulled him down for a kiss on the forehead. “You _are_ beautiful. So is this caterpillar. What you need is to grow a set of beautiful wings and fly as the man you were always meant to be.”

Kylo thought of how that butterfly flapped its wings and lifted into the sky. One day he’d fly. For now, he had to consume a lot of knowledge he had missed out on. Then he’d be able to transform.

Leia had a special way of helping him understand things.

#

Hot showers had become his new favorite thing. It was strange to feel so incredibly relaxed. Kylo’s muscles had never felt like this, loose and warm. He was always tense and ready to strike.

Only now, there was nothing to attack.

He pulled on the soft pants and shirt Ben had given him. Kylo ran his hands over his chest just to enjoy the sensation of the fluffy cloth. His clothing on Exegol had always been so stiff, utilitarian, coarse. In this new clothing, he felt so free and relaxed.

Such an odd feeling, but he was starting to enjoy it. It was okay to like good things. They didn’t always go away.

He stopped for a moment to stare at himself in the mirror. He had never liked his reflection. Snoke, the cultists, all of them were keen on telling him what a lanky, awkward, ugly, sub-human, joke of a creature he was, especially with that giant scar running from his chest, up his neck, and across his face. Kylo always found it ironic that the malformed Snoke had the nerve to call him ugly, but when everyone else had agreed, Kylo had to accept the truth.

And then Rey came along. Rey, who gave him gentle touches to his cheek, ran her fingers through his hair, held him, and kissed him. Rey had liked him, and she never called him ugly. She had even said he was cute.

And then she left him. She fell in love with Ben. When Kylo had first seen him, his heart stopped right before he almost vomited.

A mirror reflection, yet different. Ben wasn’t scarred, and his face was smooth and bright, not worn and bruised like Kylo’s. And Rey loved him. Rey loved a man who looked exactly like him but wasn’t broken and disfigured.

Oh how that burned, it really and truly just burned in his chest and stomach. He had hated Ben so much in that moment, enough to want to just slaughter him.

The guilt and shame rose again, forming red splotches on his neck and face. Kylo understood now that Rey had fallen for Ben’s heart above all, the same heart that saved Kylo many times over. To think he had once wanted to kill his brother made his head start to hurt.

He didn’t want to dwell on it, any of it, not now. Today was the first day in his new home, and he had to start living this new life.

Kylo climbed down the stairs, not really sure what he was supposed to do with himself. The carpet was perpetual heaven on his feet, the pile fluffy between his toes. He stepped into the living room and found the family gathered. Han had his feet up in a big, thick chair. Chewbacca had an entire lounge chair to himself. Leia had her feet up at the end of a long couch, her fingers busy stitching yarn with two sticks. Ben and Rey cuddled in the middle of the couch, and there was plenty of space still at the end.

Ben patted the space and spoke in a low voice. “Come sit, Ky. We’re watching _Gone Like the Starship_. Rey thinks it won’t make her cry, and we have a bet on it.”

Kylo nodded, plopped down, and drew his knees up before leaning against Ben’s back/shoulder. Ben never seemed to mind when he did this, or at least he said nothing. Then Kylo remembered the conversation he had with Leia earlier about boundaries. “Ben, is this okay, me lying against you like this?”

“Yeah, of course, buddy.”

Kylo tipped his head down and just relaxed into his brother’s presence. His body craved touch now, starved for it, after being denied so long, having previously only being offered touches that had hurt. Rey was off limits, that was established years ago but more clear and direct recently. Uncle Chewy and Dad were good for a brief hug or a pat, but they tensed at anything more. Mom was always available, but she was small and delicate, like the butterfly, and sometimes he needed more. Only with Ben did Kylo feel like he could just relax into the connection. They were the same size, same build, so Kylo never had to worry that he was just too much or too powerful.

Ben took everything Kylo threw at him with patience and a smile.

Kylo caught Dad’s gaze and subsequent eye roll which he couldn’t understand. But Ben said you really couldn’t go by dad, that he wasn’t a great judge of how people should be acting or Ben wouldn’t have wound up depressed. Kylo honestly did not know what he was talking about, but he did know one thing—being next to Ben like this felt good, felt safe and comforting, pushed away the tension and pain. Kylo learned it the morning of the hangover, when Ben first showed that touch could be kind and good and healing. It’s why Kylo sat pressed up against Ben when Leia came on board the Falcon, because he knew things were going to escalate and needed that sense of comfort before it all fell apart.

Thinking about when Ben yelled at him for saying such horrible things to Mom, it made his stomach twinge. Once Ben had accepted him and offered a family and home, the last thing Kylo wanted was for him to take it all back. Good things were always taken away, and seeing Ben’s horror and upset terrified him.

Being without Ben’s love meant everything would fall apart. It would destroy him. He would be back to nothing.

Thankfully, Ben was so very forgiving.

Kylo nestled his head onto Ben’s shoulder and got a brief kiss in return. So what if Dad rolled his eyes to it. This was comforting, and healing, and good, and it made Kylo smile.

And no one was going to take that away from him.

#

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Ben’s kind, concerned face leaned into Kylo’s bedroom doorway. His eyes were red and puffy, having clearly lost the bet against Rey. “I know you have trouble sleeping in strange places.”

Kylo ran his finger along the smooth surface of the dresser. It helped him get a feel for a place, to make it his own, if he touched and used his senses to experience everything in it. Then it was no longer strange. “I’ll be okay, I think. I never slept in something so soft. Maybe that will help.”

“Do you want me to stay with you for tonight?”

Kylo had spent so much time alone, he should have been used to it. Why was it so hard now? But Ben deserved to be with Rey, and Rey would be lonely if Ben stayed. Kylo didn’t want her to suffer because of him. “I’ll be okay.”

Ben nodded. “Alright, but if you need me, just call me on the comm, okay? No matter the time of night, I’ll be here.”

Kylo smiled. “Thanks, bro.”

Ben pulled him into a hug. “Goodnight. Love you buddy, and welcome home.”

Kylo held Ben tighter. “Love you too, and thank you for giving me one.”

Ben parted with a smile and hand on Kylo’s cheek before letting the door slide shut. Kylo turned and faced his room. Even in the night there was brightness. His quarters on the Star Destroyer were dark, stark, and antiseptic, with just enough room to function.

His room on Exegol?

He could still hear Rey’s voice in that far off memory…

“This isn’t a room. It’s a cell. A prison cell.”

Kylo pushed himself up in the corner on the thin mat that served as his bed. His body still ached from the beating he had taken from the Praetorian guards, but nowhere close to what it had been before she gave him a touch of her healing energy and treated the wounds that remained. “It’s not a prison. I can come and go as I please.”

Rey rolled her eyes and stomped off. He heard her scream, “FUCK OFF!” to someone and continue stomping. Why did she go? Did he say something wrong? He didn’t know how to talk to girls. The few women that lived in the temple were much older, bitter, vicious and dangerous. Nothing like the softness that was Rey.

The stomping returned, and Rey stood with her hand on her hip. “Yes, it is. This whole line of—” She wiggled two fingers on each hand. “— _rooms_ look like abandoned jail cells, and just down the hall are the real ones! They didn’t give you a bedroom, they gave you a prison.”

“I’m not locked in here!”

“That’s not the _point_. You think those jackasses are living in cold-ass, dank-ass, desolate rooms like this? Why do they get the nice rooms and you get this?”

The answer was so clear, he didn’t understand why he had to explain it. “Because I haven’t earned it! When I have proven my worthiness to the Master, then I’ll be allowed privileges like that.” Only nothing he did proved his worthiness. All he seemed to accomplish lately was failure.

Rey huffed. “Yeah right. On the pirate ship, we take what we want. I’ve chased others out of rooms I wanted. Sometimes you have to barge in and _take_ what you want, especially when you know others will never give it to you.”

“He will! I just have to stop being so weak, show how strong I really am. He won’t give me anything if I don’t stop being such a waste of resources.”

Rey tossed her hands up. “Do you _hear_ yourself?”

Kylo shrugged and shook his head. He didn’t understand what she meant or why she was getting so frustrated.

Rey growled and turned to look out the doorway. “So when did they downgrade you to this dump?”

“What do you mean?”

“Where did they keep you when you were small? Probably on the upper floors I imagine. So when were you forced to come down here?”

Why did she ask such confusing questions? “Here. This has always been my room. Why?”

She turned as if she couldn’t believe what he just said. He still couldn’t figure out what was so wrong with what he was saying.

Exasperated, she leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms. “This is why I hate the galaxy. Everyone is a fucking monster everywhere you go. Nothing but pain and misery.”

Kylo pushed himself to his feet, even though it hurt. But he had to show that he was strong and in control for his next words. “When we rule the galaxy, we can bend everyone to our will. We can stop them from being monsters. They’ll have no choice but to obey. No one will ever hurt each other or us ever again, because we’ll be the ones with all the power.” He swallowed. “When we get the dyad to work, you’ll see. The Master will grant us a place by his side, and everything will be ours.” His eyes widened in excitement. “A galaxy of our own making.”

Rey snorted. “Make a sculpture out of shit, you still have a handful of shit. Look, I’m tired after using my energy for the healing. I’m going to head to my room that is definitely _not_ a prison cell or I would have set them bastards on fire for suggesting it. You want to come stay somewhere that isn’t terrible for a change?”

Kylo shrunk back down into the corner. “No. The Master wants me to stay here. It is important for my training.”

“What, misery?”

“Exactly. Pain gives you power. Anger gives you power. Hate gives you power. I will show him just how powerful I can be, but I have to stay on target. I can’t indulge myself, not until I complete my training.”

Rey nodded haphazardly. “Anger and hatred do fuel some power, but the rest? Total bullshit. He just enjoys your misery because he’s a sadistic fuck.”

Kylo felt his entire body tense. “You mustn’t speak of the Master in that way!”

She put her hands on her hips. “If he doesn’t like it, he can come right here and stop me himself.” She pointed at him. “He’s abusing you for his own kicks. This whole misery line? It’s a lie to make you suffer needlessly.”

“You don’t know that! I become stronger every day thanks to my pain!”

She leaned forward. “Then why did I defeat you?” She turned with a wave of her hand. “I’m going to bed.”

That question left him icy and agitated. He had given everything to his training and somehow, she did still beat him. How?!

In the dark, in the cold, with only his small light orb as his companion, he gathered his knees to his chest. He wished she didn’t go. Normally, it was better to be alone because everyone else was so hurtful and cruel. But even with her biting questions, she was still the most wonderful thing he’d ever experienced. She healed him, took care of him, and showed him kindness. She talked with him, and for that brief span of time was good company.

He already missed her, and his room now felt so empty.

He was so incredibly alone.

As he squeezed his eyes shut and slid down to lie upon his mat, he realized why the Master kept indulgences from him. To have good things was to want them again. The wanting and craving distracted him from focus on increasing his power. Only through suffering could he finally succeed and be the Sith Lord he was supposed to be.

Suddenly, that goal grew stale. Now all he wanted was for his room to stop feeling so empty. He wished Rey would come back.

Standing in his room on Chandrila, Kylo snapped back into the present. Slowly, he crept across the fluffy carpet until he reached the window. He pushed aside the drapes and looked out to see the moons, the stars, and flashing, glowing creatures flitting about in Leia’s garden. A luminous, blue butterfly flapped its wings and closed them once again, settling in for the night.

His old “bedroom” had no windows, and even if he could look outside, there was nothing but mechanical shell and storms. Nothing like this.

Kylo turned back to study his room again. No one was there, but it wasn’t lonely. It was comfortably cool but not cold. Nothing was hard, nothing was dark. Even the black trim on the dressers seemed brighter than his “room” on Exegol.

He stepped to the bed and drew back the plush, downy blanket. He couldn’t believe the heft and thickness in his hands. His blanket on Exegol had been a worn rag he’d had since he was a baby. The blanket on the Star Destroyer was luxury in comparison, but even that was thin and course. This was unlike anything he could ever imagine.

He curled into bed, sunk his head and body into the pillows, and drew the blanket up over his shoulders. “Lights off.”

Pitched into darkness, it still seemed soft. He wasn’t afraid or disoriented. No one was coming to hurt him, try to assassinate him in the middle of the night like the Star Destroyer. He could rest, he could finally just let go and rest.

He gathered one extra pillow in his arms and then really felt it. His muscles eased, sinking into the heavenly feeling of comfort, actual and real comfort.

Nuzzling with a smile against the pillow’s soft fabric, sleep came quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A squishy sentimental journey into Ky's new world. Feels, chuckles, and even some banter to come in the next chapter!


	2. Docs, Dads, and Danger (for the other guy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ben pointed his finger. “Youuuuuu…” He grinned. “I wouldn’t cross me if I were you.”  
>  Han folded his arms. “Or what?”  
> “You’ll see.”_
> 
> A visit to the doctor leaves big brother Ben concerned. Then Ben and Han are at it again. Kylo tries some father/son bonding that nearly turns explosive.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mild self-harm and memories of child abuse in the second half of the chapter, light peppering throughout but mostly starts from "The older he got, the less patience Snoke had for him" and ends at "Life was so different now."

Kylo woke feeling like it was the first time he had ever slept. Light filtered in through the drapes, something he never expected to wake to. He checked his comm and jolted. Twelve hours! He had never slept that long in his life!

There was a message from Mom. [Good morning, Kylo honey. We don’t want to wake you because you’ve been through a lot and could use a good rest. Whenever you are ready, come down and have a nice breakfast.] The thought of Mom’s cooking had his stomach rumbling already.

Kylo raced down the stairs as deliciousness filled his nose. He slid into the kitchen and dropped his jaw. On the center island was an array of bowls and plates full of food. He didn’t know their names, but there were various fruits and puffed things and meat things.

Han and Chewbacca looked like they had been up for hours and were lounging in the living room. Ben and Rey were still bleary, probably didn’t get up much earlier than he did. And Leia was bright and chipper as she made her way through the kitchen.

“There’s our boy,” she said with a smile. “I kept everything warm for you. Take whatever you like.”

So much to pick from, he didn’t know where to start! Her breakfasts on the Falcon were incredible, but definitely a one-plate setup. This was just endless.

For twenty years he had eaten the same thing for breakfast and dinner, when he wasn’t being denied for his training or incessant failures. A flavorless gruel, a fatty cube, and a compressed mash of protein. Portions didn’t grow much as he grew taller, broader, and more muscular. He was constantly hungry, but that was his own fault because if he had just been better, he would have gotten more.

But that didn’t make sense anymore, did it? Because now he was being fed without a required action or goal. And he got to choose from all these colors, shapes, and flavors.

What did he—a creature grown in a jar and prone to constant failure—do to deserve this?

He must have been standing there a long time because Leia came over with a plate. “Here, why don’t you start with this pancake, add a little syrup and butter. And try some of this bacon, it’s really good. Oh, and _chima_ berries are delicious, I know you’ll love them.”

The choices had overwhelmed him, and again, she saw that and helped him decide. Grateful for her kindness, he kissed her on the head. She looked up at him, surprised, and smiled so lovingly.

But he wasn’t sure if he should have done that. “Did I cross a boundary I shouldn’t have?”

Leia rubbed his upper arm. “Not with me. It was very sweet and made me happy. But I’m glad you checked, it shows you’re understanding how such things work.”

Pride sparkled in his chest. At one time, he could only be proud for causing someone else’s pain. This was much better.

So many flavors and textures. He gave his breakfast his full concentration because he still couldn’t get over how wonderful it was to be gifted with such variety. And he could have all he wanted! That was the part he still couldn’t get over, that they just gave him all this and expected nothing out of him.

“Now, just to let you know,” Leia said, “once I go back to work, the droids will handle most of the cooking—”

“Boooo!” Ben said.

Leia rolled her eyes. “But on days I’m off, I’ll be glad to cook for my three lovelies here.”

Han called in from the other room, “What the hell am I?”

Leia leaned in his direction. “Lately, a pain in my ass.”

Kylo broke into laughter along with Ben and Rey. It was so nice to laugh freely. But then he got concerned. “But Mom, what if I need you and you’re at work?”

She smiled. “You sound just like your big brother.”

“I’ll be here for you,” Ben said. “Always.”

“You have all of us,” Rey said. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Leia touched his shoulder. “And I’ll be home every night except for some overnights if we’re meeting on other planets, but I’m always a comm call away. You’ll always have someone, Kylo. Remember that, okay? You’re not alone anymore.”

He nodded and smiled up at her, but still felt a little anxious. Good things could always be taken away, and he didn’t want to lose any of it.

~*~

Kylo didn’t like this building. There were too many people that held an air of importance. What if the Galactic Republic lied about letting him free? What if these people found out who he was and tried to imprison him for being Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the Final Order?

He’d probably have to kill them all, and Ben wouldn’t like that.

Ben smiled as he held a datapad. “Time to make you official.”

Kylo sat pressed up against Ben, keeping his eyes on everything, watching for the inevitable sneak attack these people were sure to pull on him.

“Need some elbow room, buddy. Hard to type.” Kylo scooted, but not far. “Okay, first we start with your name.” Ben lowered his voice. “Do you still want to be called Kylo Ren, or would you like to officially be an Organa-Solo now?”

Kylo looked back in full sincerity. “I want to be like you.”

“Okay. Do you still want to keep the name Kylo? That’s entirely up to you. I don’t know what it means to you.”

Kylo swallowed as he thought about his name’s origins. “I’d like to keep it. It does mean something to me.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“It’s actually short for Skywalker-Solo.”

Ben turned toward him. “Really? Well shit, tell me everything. Why were you called that specifically? What does Ren mean? Was that Snoke’s last name?”

“No it’s…” He growled and whipped his head back and forth. He always felt foolish for this story. But Ben would never poke fun at him. Hopefully. “When I was first born, my needs were more than anyone was willing to deal with, so I was raised by droids until I could endure the beginning of my training. The droids called me the Skywalker-Solo Experiment. That was hard for a little kid to say, so Snoke told them to shorten it to Kylo. The Ren part…” He groaned. “I found the lab when I was eleven. The workers pointed out the jar I came from. I could read the label, saw Skywalker-Solo, and then beneath it ‘Ren’ and ‘Master.’ I figured I must have come from a great master named Ren and insisted everyone call me Kylo Ren. When we were in the lab after defeating Palpatine, I found that jar and took a closer look. The, ah, label had been worn, and judging by the other jars and labels, I realized it had originally said ‘Ben,’ and ‘Master’ only meant the source of DNA.”

“Oh, holy shit! So I was Ren the whole time?”

Kylo shook his body to chase off that internal itchiness he felt whenever his feelings came up, and the current one was shame for making such a stupid mistake. “I wasn’t smart like you when I was a child.”

“Hey, don’t say that. You were just a kid, you didn’t know. And I think if I was in your position, I’d want to be from a great master called Ren, too.”

Kylo felt a lot better. Ben never made fun of his shortcomings, and there were so many. “Ren doesn’t make sense anymore. All my life I wanted to be just like the mighty warrior Master Ren, just to find out it was a figment of my imagination, a fantasy. I’m glad to let it go. I’m happier being from you.”

Ben gave him the warmest smile and pulled him into his arms. Kylo always loved Ben’s hugs. Being touched in a good way, being held by someone that loved you, that you could trust, it was the best feeling in the galaxy.

With one more pat on the shoulder, Ben returned to the datapad and typed in Kylo Organa Solo. For the first time, Kylo took genuine pride in seeing his name.

Ben filled in Leia’s and Han’s information as mother and father. Regardless of how Kylo was born, those were still his parents, to whom he owed his genetic code. Parents. Real parents. It was official, right there.

Kylo was almost human!

“When were you born? Do you know?”

“My label said 3-25-15ABY, but I’m not sure if that was when my cells started growing or when I was taken from the jar.” He noticed Ben staring at him. “What?”

Ben shook his head. “Just…hate that you had to be born like that and raised by droids who called you an experiment instead of a real name. It’s not fair. It’s not right.”

Kylo shrugged. “It can’t be that shocking. I’m not really human—”

“Hey! Don’t say that!”

“But it’s true. I _am_ an experiment. A failed one. Who even knows how much longer I’m going to last?” He shrugged again. “I’ll be twenty-one soon. I’m already on borrowed time.”

Ben cupped his cheek and guided his face toward him. “Hey. I don’t care where you came from, a womb or a jar. You are a human being, and you are my brother. And I’m not letting you go that easily, so just get that part out of your head.” He sighed and swallowed. “We really should get you a checkup. Have you ever even been seen by a doctor?”

“Droids in Med-bay on the Star Destroyer, after you and Rey…” Kylo shifted both from the embarrassment over that situation and the ghost remnants of pain in his crotch from Ben’s cruel escape.

“Well, I think it’s time we get an assessment of what shape your body’s in after being beaten and tortured your whole life.”

“And starved, don’t forget starved.”

Ben nodded and forced half of a smile. “Right.”

~*~

“So then it’s set, walkthrough tomorrow at 13:00.”

Kylo listened to Ben but wasn’t grasping what the conversation was about. The building he was in made him nervous. This whole appointment made him nervous, no matter how much Ben insisted it was safe, normal, and healthy.

Ben swiped the projection from his comm. “Yes! Tomorrow we’re going to take a tour of the house I want to buy.”

Kylo dug his fingernails into his arm. “What’s wrong with the house we have? I like our house. It’s bright and soft.”

“And smalllll—come on, stop that, you don’t need any more marks on your arms. Anyway, the reason is our family is bigger now and one day will get even bigger, and I don’t want to move out and leave Mom and Dad and Uncle Chewy behind—”

“You would never do that!”

“Exactly—EXACTLY! So I need a place that will fit all of us. Wait until you see it, Kylo. You’ll love it, and then you can design your room how you like.”

Kylo scratched his head. “How do I know what I like?”

“You’ll look through a bunch of stuff and when something calls to your heart, you say yes.”

_Calls to your heart._ Kylo remembered the only time something called to his heart. Or rather, someone. But he did like Caverns and Rancors. And hugs. And Mom’s cooking. And Melanie. Maybe he was learning what he liked after all.

“Kylo Solo?”

Kylo froze and stared as they called his name. He didn’t want to go in there with that droid. This place made him shaky.

Ben stood. “Come on, buddy. They’re calling us.”

Kylo walked with his arm pressed up against Ben’s. He didn’t understand why he had to get checked. He felt fine, except for the typical pains and the ones in his head, but that always hurt depending on how stressed he got, like now.

The droid asked him to strip down to his underpants and put on a thin robe. Ben said it was okay, so he did it, but he was _not_ feeling comfortable about any of it. He sat on the table gripping the end, ready to break it off. “Why are we here? I don’t need Medbay.”

“I know, buddy. This is just a checkup to see how healthy you are, and if there’s something wrong, it’s best we fix it now.”

“I’m not weak!”

Ben tipped his head toward him. “Kylo?”

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut and trembled in fury while he tried to wrangle his thoughts, shift to the correct ones, the healthy ones, just like Ben and Leia had been telling him. “Everyone needs medicine, even the strong. It’s…” He let out a growl of frustration. “…okay to need help.”

“That’s right. So if you need help, we’re going to get it for you.” Ben put his hand on Kylo’s shoulder. “Ky, I saw what you went through, and I’m sure that was just a fraction of the reality. You already have the genetic condition. Let’s make sure nothing else is going on so we can keep you as healthy as possible until I can find a cure for you guys, okay?”

Kylo sighed and nodded. Ben cared for him and loved him. So if he thought this was best, then it was okay.

The doctor came in, and Kylo straightened, eyeing him warily. He wished the doctor had been a woman. Women were kinder to him than men.

“Kylo Solo, and this is your brother Ben? I’m Dr. Koar, and I understand you’re here for a checkup?”

“Yes,” Kylo bit out and tried to restrain his oncoming snarl.

Ben shook the man’s hand. “Nice to meet you. So Kylo has…been through some things, to say the least.” He went through Kylo’s story for the doctor, whose eyes continuously widened. “So now that the war is over and he’s home, I need to see if there’s anything he needs to keep him healthy.”

“Do you have his DNA results?”

“Yeah.” Ben projected a screen of information Kylo didn’t understand. “Just processed it this morning. Here’s what I was talking about.”

The doctor nodded. “I see what you mean. So the Force keeps this anomaly in check?”

“Yeah, but every little injury or action or stressor can affect his levels, so I want to know anything we’re dealing with up front.”

“Well, let’s take a look. Okay Kylo, I’m going to examine you, and then we’ll have you do a full body scan.”

Kylo glared at him. “Examine me how?”

Ben leaned in toward him. “The doctor is going to use his fingers to press parts of your body to feel—”

That was enough. Kylo sprung from the table and readied himself for battle. “Boundaries!”

Ben crossed his body over Kylo’s and held him back. “Kylo-Kylo-Kylo, he’s not here to hurt you, okay?”

“I don’t want to be touched!”

Ben’s voice softened to almost a whisper. “I know, buddy, I know. But it’s not to hurt you, I promise. The doctor checks me the same way.”

Kylo closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into Ben’s shoulder with a growl. “I can’t do this.”

“Alright, you don’t have to. We’ll just do the scan and the blood test. It’s okay.”

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut tighter. He was letting Ben down and acting like a coward. But he knew if the doctor touched him, Kylo would strike on pure reflex alone. He had to do better. Ben wanted him to be healthy, and he had to do this for his brother. “I want to. But you have to help me.”

“Of course, anything.”

“You need to hold me still. With the Force.”

“Oh, Kylo, no, if I have to go that far it’s not worth it—”

“I _want_ to do this.” He shook his head. “But I don’t want to hurt anyone. So you have to hold me still. I want you to.”

Ben sighed. “Are you absolutely sure? I don’t want you to feel scared or hurt.”

_I am no coward. I am no coward. I am no coward._ “Yes.” He sat back on the table and loosened his arms. “Do it.”

Ben nodded. “Okay. If you need to stop, you just say stop, got it?”

After Kylo’s nod, Ben reached out his hand. Kylo felt the grip around his body, arms, legs, torso, head and neck, firm but not tight. He tried to shove his arms against it and couldn’t move. Good.

The doctor listened to his chest, and he breathed when he was supposed to. Fingers pressed into his neck, and once they were by his throat, he lashed out. Instinctive, couldn’t be helped, but Ben held him tightly, didn’t let him strike. Onward fingers pressed into him, sometimes okay, and sometimes he tried to reach for his lower back where his saber would have been, but Ben didn’t let him loose. Kylo needed to get out of this, hated this, but he had to do this for Ben, no matter how much he wanted to scream and attack.

“All done,” Dr. Koar said, and Ben released the grip. Kylo sucked in air, trying to erase the memory of fingers pressing into him. It wasn’t so bad, now that he thought about it. The doctor didn’t hurt him, it just felt new and uncomfortable.

Not everyone was going to hurt him.

“Let’s get a blood draw and body scan, and we’ll go over the results.”

Kylo held his arm out for the droid. “Does a blood draw hurt?”

“Pinches a little,” Ben said. “You want me to hold your arm with the Force?”

Kylo nodded. “Yeah. Just in case.” He felt Ben’s firm yet gentle grip once more. The droid stuck the needle into his arm, and Kylo was still waiting for the pinch. He watched as his blood poured into tiny canisters and wondered how much they planned to take. Kylo was used to losing blood, but if he got too weak, his condition would rear its head.

And then it was over, and he was still waiting for the pinch. “It didn’t hurt.”

“Oh yeah?” Ben said, releasing his grip. “All goo? All…guh—” Ben collapsed, and Kylo just caught him with the Force before he whacked his head on the counter.

Kylo shook his head as he carried his brother to the examining table. “And I’m the one that needs to be checked?”

~*~

Ben’s face was hard to read as they listened to the results. Kylo wasn’t able to understand body language and emotions all that well, but he could sense a shift in his brother’s demeanor that left him unnerved.

“Right here,” Dr. Koar said, pointing to the scan. “You have three fresh fractures, I’m assuming from the battle you were just in. Why didn’t you say anything to anyone?”

Kylo shrugged. “It’s not that bad. I usually have worse.”

Ben covered his mouth with his hand. His eyes were…angry? Sad? Worried? Kylo couldn’t read them.

The doctor continued pointing things out on the scan. “All over you can see past fractures and breaks, some that didn’t heal properly. Your bone density is not at all what it should be for a healthy twenty-year-old man. So many signs of malnutrition, there’s nerve damage—were you subjected to electrical shocks?”

Kylo nodded. “Yes. A lot.” That was Palpatine’s and Snoke’s favorite tool.

The doctor shook his head. “Incredible. You’re honestly lucky to be alive. Now you see here, this concerns me the most. Did you call these fusion scars?”

“Yeah,” Ben said, his voice just above a whisper, “where the cloning procedure didn’t form his body properly.”

“You can see the bone along these lines is not fully formed, and that’s a real problem along the skull here, where there’s nothing to protect the brain should a blow occur. Scan shows he’s already endured some damage in that area. The muscle and tissue weakness—”

“I am NOT WEAK!” Kylo snapped.

Ben petted him behind the head and spoke in that strained voice. “You’re very strong, Kylo, but your body needs help.”

The doctor continued. “We can do procedures to reinforce those areas, make them into the cohesive unit they’re supposed to be. We can graft new bone and fuse it together.”

Ben cleared his throat. “How, um…how will a procedure like that affect his genetic condition? Will it weaken him where he may get triggered into a breakdown?”

“Hard to say since this condition is beyond our scope of knowledge right now, but if you’re saying you can keep him energized, we can have you in the room to keep him stable if he needs it.”

Ben waved one hand over the scan while chewing on the thumbnail of the other. “Can he, um…recover from all this damage, the malnutrition, all of that? Are there any long-term effects?”

“I’m going to prescribe a supplemental nutritional drink. We’ll start him off with that and see how his body responds. He’s young and strong, and his body should heal from much of it. Scars will remain, both external and internal, but if they cause him any pain, we can work on those. For now, let’s just do a quick procedure to get the fractures on the mend and get his nutrition up to par. Sound good, Kylo?”

He had no idea. “Yeah.”

The doctor turned. “Ben?”

His brother merely nodded, eyes moist.

~*~

Kylo walked out of the doctor’s office with a spring in his step. Not only was he glad to get out of there, but they gave him a shot for the pain of his fractures, and now not even his head was bothering him. He guzzled the can of supplements they had given him. It was creamy, thick, and sweet. “I like this. You want some?”

Ben smiled, but he still seemed off. “No, buddy, that’s all for you.”

Kylo tilted his head as he walked beside his brother. “Why are you upset? Did I do something wrong? I’m just not ready to be touched. I have boundaries. Mom said something about being touched and boundaries, I just didn’t like—”

“No, no Kylo, nothing to do with that. You did nothing wrong. I just…” Ben stopped and pressed his hand to his head. “Palpatine made me see what happened to you, what _he_ did to you. That’s not including what everyone else had done to you. The scan…” He shoved out a breath, sucked in a new one, and smiled. “You’re going to be okay, I know you are. We’re all going to work hard to get you healthy.”

Kylo took another long drink. These cans were good! “So I’m not healthy?”

“You’re going to be. We’re going to work really hard to get you to that point. I just…” Ben hung his head. “I hate what they did to you, that none of us knew about you so we could save you from it, that you spent twenty years of your life just suffering…fuck! We could have killed you for being our enemy, not even realizing what was really going on, and how much we would have missed out on.”

Ben was sad because Kylo was hurt, and he was angry at those who hurt him. And that was because Ben loved him. It was taking time, but Kylo was starting to understand how all these feelings worked. He smiled. “But it’s okay now. You love me, and you saved me. The rest we fix, right?”

Ben sucked in a long breath, and on his exhale, he smiled. “Yeah, buddy. We’ll fix it. Nothing can stop the Solo brothers, right?”

Kylo put his hands out. “We went up against the worst thing in the galaxy. How hard could everything else be?”

Ben put his arm around Kylo and pulled him close. “When you’re right, you’re right.”

Kylo nudged his head against his brother’s shoulder and took another drink. “You really should try this. It’s good.”

“Maybe I will, once we get you nice and strong. Until then, drink every last drop, got it?”

“That won’t be a problem.”

~*~

With his name officially registered and the house stocked with tasty drinks whenever he wanted them, the next step was to find out how to _live_ this new life of his. What was his purpose? What would he do? He spent his entire life having one end goal in mind, and with that gone, he really was just floating, trying to figure out where to land.

Ben sat with him every day, going over basic educational skills to see what Kylo needed to increase before starting school at the university. Ben was sure he could get Kylo into his old school, even if it had rigorous requirements for entry. _You’re so smart, you just haven’t had the chance to develop,_ is what Ben kept saying.

The crash courses in math and science were overwhelming, and Kylo _may_ have flipped a table (or three) in his frustration. But Ben was always calm, kind, and patient, even as he waited for Kylo to clean up the aftermath.

And when that was over, there were Sith books, data, and holocrons that needed translating. At least that was familiar, almost soothing in its application. The books were the best. Sitting alone in the quiet, reading and writing, going over all the information he had learned, there was a certain calmness and familiarity about it. His training had been brutal, but once the excitement of the physical activity was over, studying was a soothing and pleasurable end to the day. Plus it won him favor with Snoke and Palpatine, to see him so enthralled in the knowledge of the Sith.

Now here he was again. Only this time his room was warm, he actually had a chair and a desk, not a scrap of rug and a crate, and he could munch on snacks and sip those tasty drinks while working.

Study, workouts, and training. Strangely, his life didn’t differ much from his upbringing in that regard, except he was happy, fed, and not in pain (except those flashes across his scar when he got stressed.)

But he was still trying to find his way, especially regarding a family he was learning to understand. The closest thing he ever had to family was Snoke, a man who caressed his cheek one moment and struck it the next, which is what made him so terrified of anyone touching him. It used to only lead to pain.

Kylo had vague memories of the droids that took care of his most basic needs from babyhood until he was past the toddler stage. When he was older, he sought them out and asked for recordings of his youngest years. Many of the videos had already been deleted to make room for new footage, but a few remained.

Strangely, until Ben saved him, those were the only times he was actually happy. In the projections he watched a deeply scarred baby scramble on hands and knees, giggling as the droids coaxed him to increase crawling by a five percent margin each day. Once he could walk, the droids kept watch on him as he climbed through obstacle courses and ran about, an endless ball of energy. They actually tended his wounds when he injured himself and administered medicine when he got sick. Kylo supposed at one point, he had actually been important enough to be cared for.

But what struck him now, years after viewing those videos, were the few times he ran to them crying, seeking comfort. Little baby “Kah-wo” as he called himself, wrapped his arms around a thin, metal robot that did not hug him in return. “This is not productive,” the droid would say over and over. But Kylo would just cling to the machine, crying and nuzzling as if it really didn’t matter how cold and hard it was, as long as he had _someone_ to ease his pain.

By droids, he was loved more than by any human who would come after until he met Rey and subsequently Ben and the Solo family.

His childhood changed when Snoke came into the picture. This Kylo remembered. A tall, imposing being, Kylo had liked that this was another human showing interest in him. He also had a certain kinship with Snoke—both of them were disfigured. The others didn’t have giant scars across their faces and bodies, which made Kylo feel like something was wrong with him. Snoke’s face and skin were also deeply scarred and misshapen, and that helped Kylo feel a little less strange and alone.

The other people looked at him with cold eyes full of disinterest or at best shadowy curiosity. Snoke smiled and taught him everything. If Kylo was really good, he would get praised for his efforts. At least when he was small.

The older he got, the less patience Snoke had for him. Kylo knew it was only fair. If he failed, that mean Snoke failed, and Palpatine would punish Snoke who had to take it out on Kylo. That was the way. If Kylo could have just stopped being a complete failure at everything, Snoke wouldn’t get so angry and slap, punch, or kick him or throw him up against the wall. The worst was the Force-lightning. That hurt _so_ much. And if he dared react to any of it, crying or screaming, that was just grounds for more punishment. Too many times he would just wake up in his cell in pain wondering how he got there, his last memory being a soft sob that ended in violence.

He loved Snoke as much as he hated him, because that was all he had. Snoke had treated him like garbage, and yet was the closest thing he’d had to a father or any family. And then Kylo was commanded to kill him.

Life was so different now. Ben loved him. Mom adored him. Uncle Chewy treated him with a lot more patience than he did Ben. And Dad? The other father Kylo had tried to kill?

Han had forgiven him, fed him instead of letting him starve, let him fly his precious Falcon, hugged him and was glad he was safe after the final battle.

For NO reason! Just because. Despite what he had done, Han loved Kylo just because.

But Kylo still wasn’t sure how to have a dad. Mom made it easy. She knew just what to say and how to read his body language. Dad was still a bit aloof and distant. Maybe he didn’t know how to connect with Kylo like Mom did. Maybe he didn’t know how to read others in that way.

Maybe Kylo was more like Dad, just as Ben was so much like Mom.

~*~

“Hey kid!” Han called. “Come on out here and help me with the Falcon.”

Ben stomped over to the doorway and flung his hands out. “Oh my stars. This. All the time with this. How many times do I have to tell you I’m busy—”

“Not you, General of the Sexbot Army—”

“Force-damnit, Dad, for the last time—”

“I was calling for Kylo! You’re not the only kid around here anymore.”

Kylo sat up upon hearing his name.

Ben paused. “Oh…” For a moment he seemed hurt, but then his chin was back up in the air. “Well good! Because I’m too damn busy to be bothering with that piece of junk, anyway.”

Han pointed a multi-driver at Ben. “Call the Falcon junk one more time and I’ll flush all that damn Hyper-Fuel you guzzle.”

Ben gripped the doorway and leaned forward. “You’d never FIND IT ALL! HA!” With that, he spun and walked back into the living room.

Kylo stood and grasped his shoulder. “Ben, are you upset Dad wants me to help him instead of you?”

Ben scoffed with an incredulous smile. “No! I don’t want to sit out there while he stares at the engines for hours, then spends another few wondering if he should upgrade the vibration softening brackets.”

Kylo couldn’t yet read people all that well, especially if they weren’t displaying the normal emotions—anger, rage, murder. But he could tell that Ben was off somehow. “I think you’re upset. Maybe a little.”

Ben stuffed his hands in his pockets and gazed out the open door. “I guess I just…took for granted all the times he _did_ ask me. I still would have said no, but…”

Kylo blinked, trying to understand. “You…want to be included.”

“Yeah, or at least feel that way, even if I’m not interested in the activity. Me and Dad, we’re…still working on our relationship. Trying to understand each other.” He grinned at Kylo. “I guess I also have to get used to having a brother in the house. I’m not the only focus anymore.”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “Do I take Dad’s attention away from you?”

Ben chuckled. “I…didn’t have much of it before you, that part’s not news. But, you know, we’re working on it. Just would have felt better if he asked the both of us, that’s all.”

Kylo nodded. He liked when he was summoned for a task with the guards where he could learn something new. Palpatine never gave half a shit about him, Snoke pretended to, and the guards often beat the hell out of him, but when they called upon him to join them, there was no greater excitement. To belong, even for a few moments, it was the highlight of his dreary life.

Dad popped his head in the doorway. “Kylo, you want in on this or what?”

Kylo turned toward Ben. He didn’t want to get in the way of anyone’s relationship. But Ben gave him a smile of approval and nodded toward the doorway. Kylo shrugged. “Yeah, okay. But make sure you invite Ben next time, too.”

Han groaned and flung his hand out toward Ben. “He always says no!”

Kylo stood beside Ben, fingertips in his pockets, head cocked back. “We’re brothers. You have to treat us both the same.”

Han pressed his lips together like he was about to go on one of his strings of insults. In fact, he must have been chewing on them as he worked his mouth. But then he swallowed them and nodded. “Alright, fine. Just meet me by the ship.”

Kylo felt like he had done the right thing, like he defended Ben somehow. But since he didn’t pull out his lightsaber, Force-choke anyone, or punch someone in the face, he wasn’t entirely sure. All he knew was that Ben was upset, and he had to do something about it. Because if the situation was reversed, Ben wouldn’t hesitate to help.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Ben smiling at him. Or about to cry. Both?

Ben pulled him into a hug, and for that Kylo was grateful. Hugs were the best.

“Thank you, buddy,” Ben whispered. “You’re the best brother ever.”

Well that was just absurd. “No, _you_ are. That’s why I have to take care of you and protect you.”

Ben’s hug got even tighter. “The best thing I ever did was bring you home.”

It was instantaneous, the sudden well of emotion that tightened Kylo’s throat and stung his eyes. The reaction surprised him, and he fought to shove it back down. He’d spent so much time in his life suppressing his tears, he didn’t know what to do with them when they arose, and his first instinct after so many years of abuse was to punch it back down where it came from.

He pulled from Ben’s hug, gave him a smile, and headed outside. Ships. He knew ships. And no one ever cried over a ship.

~*~

True to form, Dad stared at the engine of the Falcon, silent. He took a sip from his whiskey every so often, changed position, but still just stared.

Kylo did his own observations. He wasn’t taught anything about building or engineering, but as a standard of practice as a pilot, he knew what went into a starship. With what he was looking at, he was surprised the Falcon handled as well as it did.

Han leaned toward him. “Hey kid, you think we should upgrade the vibration softening brackets?”

Either Ben could tell the future, or Dad did this often. “Have to take out the main thruster for that. If you’re going to do that, might as well upgrade the whole thing.”

“Huh.” Han stuck his fingertips in his pockets. “Thinking about moving to the 24.12 engine.”

“Nah, unless you’re actually using this as a hauler. It makes more sense to go with the 25.8. More speed, better torque.”

“Falcon can’t handle that kind of engine. Size and angles aren’t cut out for it. You’ll burn it out hitting top speed.”

“Not necessarily. If you adjust the torsion to the lowest setting, it cuts the speed a little, but the engine itself handles better. It works on wide ships like the Falcon, whereas the Silencer, you could adjust it completely in the other direction. Not that you’d put a 20 series in a starfighter.”

Han nodded and took in a breath. “Huh.” More silence, more staring at the engine. “You know your stuff, kid.”

Kylo shrugged. “Trained on a lot of different ships, a lot of studying. That and Sith studies, with rudimentary math and Basic, so I could at least read and write. That was the entirety of my schooling, not including physical training.”

“Hm…” Apparently Dad was a man of few words when he wasn’t insulting Ben. “Maybe I’ll put an order in for the 25.8 today.”

“You’re gonna need to upgrade the command systems before you do that. Ben can do that for you.”

“Please! If he fiddles with it, I’ll never understand how to use it again! I like the controls the way they are, direct and simple.”

Kylo shrugged. “He can keep it simplified, but it needs that newer sub-layer. Just ask him, tell him what you need. I’m sure he’ll know what to do.”

“Ehhh…Ben’s not really into the whole Falcon thing. I kept trying to get him to work on it with me. Did nothing but complain the whole time and then, yeah, insisted on upgrading the command system. Figured…I don’t know, it would be a good father/son thing, but he was never into it. Glad you are. At least I can have that now.”

Kylo’s eye twitched as he tried to understand it all. Ben was upset Dad didn’t include him, Dad was upset Ben didn’t want to be included. But Kylo somehow filled in that spot for Dad. What about Ben? “Can’t you have a father and _sons_ thing? I can help you with everything else; Ben can work the command system. I think he’d like that.”

Han took in a breath. “Maybe.” He nodded toward the Silencer. “Think about taking that beauty out?”

Kylo shrugged. “It’s really Ben’s now, but he’s done nothing with it since we put it back together.”

“Ben’s never going to do anything with it, not unless you’re flying it. That thing somehow fit the three of you?”

“Well, uncomfortably. It seats two. Ben and Rey squeezed into the back seat.”

“Hm…” Han tipped his head, thinking. “Got a few trios going here, you, Ben, and Rey, then you, me, and Chewy. Ever think about adding another seat in there?”

Kylo scratched his head. “Uhhh, probably should ask Ben first.”

“Trust me, he’ll be glad to ride in the back seat next to his honey. Tell you what, why don’t we fire it up and take it for a spin, land it at the depot so they can make adjustments, add a new seat.”

A grin crept across Kylo’s face. “Yeah? You want to head up?”

Han huffed with a smile. “Been wanting to ever since we brought that puppy home. Come on. Let’s go blast some asteroids.”

~*~

Han laughed with glee as he shoved the Silencer into a corkscrew dive between giant chunks of rock. Kylo chuckled along behind him, his eyes alight with excitement. He’d never known a pilot to fly as hard—or as dangerously—as he did.

Han fired the green lasers, blasting through the asteroids ahead of him, and slipped in between the resulting debris. Kylo was sure at least some of it would clink against the ship, but no, his father was a hell of a pilot.

Eventually, Han pulled the Silencer into a slow coast and relaxed into the chair. “Hot damn, it’s been years since I flew a machine like this. Never as fast as this one though, one hell of a beauty you got here.”

Kylo nodded. “It’s a prototype design, and they actually asked for my input on it. Only problem wound up being I was the only one who could fly it to its full potential, so they felt the high propulsion of the twin ion engine was a waste for general distribution and cut back on the design. I got to keep the ship seeing as I am the only one who could fly it.” He swallowed and licked his lips. “One of the very few things I could call mine, besides my lightsaber and uniform. You know, until now.”

Han unbuckled his straps. “Well, why don’t you show me what you got? Impress this old fighter pilot.”

Kylo undid his own straps and stood with a smirk. “Sure it won’t be too much for you to handle?”

“Hell, I’m looking forward to it. Show me what you got, kid.”

Kylo smiled as he buckled himself into the pilot chair. He liked when his dad called him “kid.” Little reminders that he was part of a family now, one that chose and wanted him. “Ready?”

Han buckled the last strap. “Punch it, kid.”

Kylo gripped the controls and took in a breath, centering himself in his ship, expanding his senses. Feeling the rush kick in, he shoved the thrusters and burst through the heavy debris field. He could sense every obstacle before they were in his line of sight or picked up by the ship and adjusted his steering accordingly. Han cheered and laughed in the back, so Kylo upped the ante, going in for near-miss dives and spinning through chasms in the larger asteroids.

“Wooo!” Han cried. “You’re my son alright! Damn, I’m glad someone got my flying genes!”

Kylo swelled with a flaring of pride, again feeling like part of a real family. Belonging, sharing, finding his place in a strange and confusing galaxy: these little anchors meant everything— 

He felt it before it neared and dove out of the way of a red-hued blast torpedo. More shots sped toward the Silencer, and Kylo had to switch from fun time to deadly ace fighter pilot.

No problem.

Kylo increased speed to the fullest potential of the ship and slipped behind a significant chunk of asteroid. Instead of hiding, he pulled into full reverse so that when his adversary came upon him, he’d be ready to fire dead-on.

“Damnit!” Han cried. “Those are X-Wings! Who the hell is shooting at us?”

The cold killer of old permeated Kylo’s being. “They won’t be alive much longer to find out.” He fired in rapid succession and was impressed the pilot on the other side dodged the shots.

“Relax, kid, let’s not go blowing anyone’s heads off just yet. Hail them.”

Kylo sighed. “Fine.” He flicked at the series of projections to signal the other ship.

When the resulting face of the pilot appeared in the viewport, Han leaned forward. “Dameron?!”

Poe also leaned forward. “General Solo?!”

“The hell are ya doing, dumbass?”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea you were in there. We just figured it was a holdover from the Final Order—ohhhh shit, I remember now. Ben! How’s it hanging, buddy? Forgot about when you took that ship.”

The fire still simmered in Kylo’s blood. “I’m not Ben.”

A moment of confusion, then Poe’s eyes darkened. “Kylo Ren.”

“Solo, not Ren.”

“Damn right,” Han said, “and he’s my kid too, so how about you don’t go shooting the shit out of us, huh? We’re just out for a joyride.”

Poe relaxed and nodded. “I get it, believe me. Wanted to try out that ship for myself. But you got to get that sucker registered with the Galactic Republic or we’ll be on your ass like ticks, and not everyone out there knows who you are or why you’re flying an Imperial starfighter.”

“Got it. No problem.” He patted Kylo’s arm. “Right?”

“No problem,” Kylo said, though his hunter’s gaze was still trained on Poe. He had been indoctrinated to exterminate all X-Wings on first sight, and to be fair, Poe fired first. It wasn’t easy to just relax.

Poe smiled. “Alright look, follow my lead down to the nearest depot, and I’ll give confirmation of it being a collector’s piece rather than a combat vessel.”

Han sat back. “Let’s head back to Chandrila. We need to get some upgrades done, anyway. Lead us in, we’ll follow.”

“Perfect. Thanks for understanding, and ah, sorry about shooting at you. I’m sure you understand.”

“Oh yeah, I generally understand nearly having my ass blown to bits.”

Kylo chuckled.

“How is that funny?”

Kylo grasped the controls with a smile. “Like Dameron could ever hit my ship.” Just as Poe’s mouth opened, Kylo clicked off the comm system. He turned to look at Han and the two burst into laughter.

Han patted his shoulder. “Hell of a turn of events, huh kid? Go out for a joyride, nearly turn into space-pizza.” He sat back and sighed with a smile. “Haven’t had this much fun in ages. We oughtta do this more often, huh? Good having another ace pilot like you around.”

Kylo smiled as he brought his ship alongside Poe’s. “I like having you too, Dad.”

~*~

Kylo and Han watched as the droids lowered the 25.8 engine into the Falcon. Once it was settled, both dug in with multi-drivers to finish the connections.

With one last pull, Han set aside his tool and dusted off his hands. “Now that’s a job well done. Come here, kid.”

With a tilt of his head, Kylo stepped over. Han threw his arm around him and gave him a tight, brief hug. “This is what it’s all about, the Solo boys getting together and working on the Falcon. All I ever asked for, especially as an old fart like myself. Spending time with my sons.”

Kylo smiled, reveling in the connection with his father as well as being a part of something. He lifted his brow as Ben rounded the corner. “All good?”

“Yep!” Ben tucked his multi-driver into his tool belt. “Entire command system is up to date, and I made _sure—_ ” He leaned toward Han. “—to keep the controls exactly the same. You should experience no changes from your end.”

“Good,” Han said, letting go of Kylo. “Don’t need any crazy changes at this stage in my life.” He looked at both of his sons. “Think I got enough of that already with you two nuts.”

Kylo looked at Ben to figure out if that was an insult.

Ben just rolled his eyes. “Well, if anyone with the technological skills of a _bonba_ fruit or better wants to fly the ship, the updated control panel can project controls with the flick of a switch.”

“So you’re better at tech than I am, so what?”

Ben leaned closer. “My left shoe is better at tech than you are!”

“Well some of us spend our lives actually facing life head on rather than living it through our datapads!”

“Did I or did I not just go through an entire adventure, put my life on the line—”

“Oh here we go—”

“—just so you can tell me I don’t live life—”

“You’re the one saying I have the tech abilities of a shoe!”

“That’s because you do! Ask anyone. Ask Mom right now.”

Han waved him off. “Ah go crawl back into your chemistry kit.”

“Fine! I will!”

Kylo looked back and forth between them, wondering how every conversation became a fight with those two.

Ben turned and stomped toward the house when Han called. “Ben!”

With a sigh, Ben turned. “What?”

A soft grin lay on his father’s lips. “Thanks for the upgrade, kid. Was nice to work with my boys. Both of them.”

Ben swallowed and dropped his jaw, his eyes widening. Then he pressed out a crumpled smile, moisture sparkling the rims of his eyes. “I liked it too, Dad.”

Kylo grasped his arm. “Aren’t you coming with us? On the test run?”

Han whipped his head back and forth. “Oh no no no no no, he’s not coming anywhere _near_ the Falcon when we’re testing speed and torque. Two months! That’s how long it took last time. Two months!”

Kylo opened his mouth to ask what took two months, but Ben spun around with his teeth clenched. “I told you I just ate, and you made go!”

“Well pardon me for thinking any of your old man’s skills actually made it into you—”

“I warned you! I said I had an entire bowl of stew right before we left—”

“—we barely even hit two turns—”

“—and I was really, really sensitive as a teenager—”

“That hasn’t changed! You get sick riding the transport two blocks!”

Ben pointed his finger. “ _Youuuuuu…_ ” He grinned. “I wouldn’t cross me if I were you.”

Han folded his arms. “Or what?”

Ben cocked his head to the side, a rare show of arrogance about him with a snippy little grin. “You’ll see.”

Han waved him off, and Kylo was still trying to figure out any of this. He turned to Ben. “Sure you won’t come?”

Ben gave his father one last wicked glare before the gentle smile came back. “Nah, you have fun. I’ll see you later.”

Kylo tilted his head. “It’s not because you just argued with Dad, is it?”

“Nah, I’m fine, really. Enjoy.” Ben turned and took three steps and paused. “And don’t worry about me and Dad arguing. From now on, I plan to have the last laugh.”

Kylo blinked. “Oh?”

Ben turned with a grin and spun the multi-driver in his fingers. “Have fun up there, and uh…don’t forget I packed you some patented SOLO earplugs in case you ever need them.”

Kylo shrugged and joined Han and Chewy on the Falcon. The ramp pulled up, doors locked, and while Han flicked the controls, Kylo buckled himself in.

An obnoxious, loud, repetitive song squawking about a baby shark came blaring through the audio system. Kylo looked around in a panic to find every viewport displaying dancing sharks with Han heads rocking in tandem with the tune.

“What the holy fuck?!” Han cried and flicked switches. More switches. Every switch. “Damnit Ben!” He jerked the control for the door. Nothing happened.

Han flopped back in his seat, panting. “He trapped us in here. Trapped us with this shit!”

_HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!_ scrolled across all screens. _I WARNED YOU!_

Kylo’s smile broadened, a laugh bubbling out of him that took over his entire body. He shoved the earplugs in while watching Han scream at his comm. More sinister responses popped up across the screens, including a dancing Ben emoji with two middle fingers up.

Kylo clenched his eyes shut and laughed so hard his stomach hurt. As he draped against the buckles of the seat, he reveled in the first real, deep laugh he'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Han, why have you not learned your lesson by now?
> 
> Not sure if any of the ship engine stuff made sense, kind of just winged that one. Usually I am far better researched into SW lore, but my brain said no.
> 
> I know we had two different stories in one chapter LOL but that's mostly because the first half was just way too short and I wanted to give it some beef so I combined another scene. Poor Ky's got some ouchie issues :( and he's so adorably clueless and matter-of-fact about all of it, even while big brother Ben is so worried. Partly why I got into writing this add-on pack was to explore the characters a little more as their lives change so significantly. Even while the big baddie is gone, Ben is still under heaps of pressure to save the ones he loves. And Han is still Han, even as he reconciles his past with Ben and his present/future with two sons, one that he finally has a lot in common with. 
> 
> Our next chapter will be a steamy ride as Kylo begins to explore...himself...as well as another beloved character. Yes, my voracious readers, Melanie's back! And I will officially earn my stay in smut jail for what transpires...
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	3. Mello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Ky is in need, making him more growly than usual, until he remembers someone special in the Knights of Ben who may just be able to help.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for self harm, shame/humiliation. This chapter contains a memory of sexual self-suppression due to being shamed and berated by certain voices in his head. I'm honestly not sure how to label it, but both that and most (but not all) of the self harm sections start at "His mind drifted back to when he just turned seventeen" and ends at "The brother who gave him everything."
> 
> Just an FYI, 80% of the chapter is all variations of smut: sex talk, horny males, self-fulfillment, and the moment you've all been waiting for...
> 
> Yeah so there's no delicate way to put this: there's totally going to be droid sex. Yeah, I went there. Tooootally went there. If that's not your bag, you'll want to skip the following sections: "On the Falcon, the night before facing Palpatine" to "That memory sealed the deal" and "And what he didn't want to fulfill himself" to "Kylo held the flowers Leia snipped".
> 
> FYI My originals are filled with robot smut, so really this is tame in my ballpark. Yeah, I'm broken.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a dark and damaged sixteen-year-old named Kylo Ren found the one piece of heaven in his perpetual hell.

Her name was Rey.

She would sit beside him on top of the roof of the Sith Temple, where no one would find them. There they would talk for hours. Rey would tell him so many things, show him amazing images on her comm, even introduced him to movies and music, all things he could not access with no comm of his own. She was an entire galaxy he had been cut off from.

And then one day she just looked at him and didn’t stop.

“Why are you staring at me?” he asked. He just received a shrug in response. He didn’t understand the look in her eyes, but he liked it, something inside of him liked it.

Then her fingers touched his cheek. Instant reflex, he grasped her wrist, about to yank her hand away, but the sensation of her warm fingers on his cold skin brought instant bliss. She tried to pull her hand away, but he brought it back. He needed her touch, _needed_ it, like it was the only thing that mattered in that moment.

Still in a soft silence, she pulled the glove off his other hand and drew it to her cheek. There his calloused fingertips touched the softest thing that ever existed. He sucked in a shuddering breath, so mesmerized by the sensation, the connection.

Soon both of her hands rested on his cheeks, causing his heart to race. He’d never felt such exquisite joy, such gentleness and delight. It was everything, everything and more and he didn’t know what to do or say or even think.

Then she pulled his face toward her as she leaned forward. Rey tilted her head, and he could feel her warm breath upon his skin, another tantalizing sensation dancing through him.

Her lips pressed up against his, and he did _not_ know what to do. But there was such magic there in that moment of connection.

“Do like I do,” she whispered. “Close your eyes and move your mouth like mine.”

Kylo merely let out a quick squeak of acknowledgment. Rey pressed her lips against his again, and he did as she told him, closing his eyes and matching the movement of her mouth.

Oh…

Oh…

This elation…

This incredible thing…

Nothing could match this. Nothing could compare. And nothing prepared him for the transcendent feeling that took over his body.

She parted from his lips to look at him, her eyes dark in the low light, teeming with equal parts softness and raw power.

He was delirious, dizzy, awash in something he didn’t understand but so deeply enjoyed. “What was that?”

“A kiss.”

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards, such an odd sensation as if he’d never used those muscles before. “I like kisses.”

Her hands slid behind his neck and pulled him into another. It was just as sublime as before, only this time those hands touched sensitive spaces that made the kiss even more powerful. He reached out and pulled her body toward him, some overwhelming instinct to grasp onto her. She slid her hands into his hair and he thought he would break apart into thousands of pieces, unable to handle the incredible euphoria of it all.

He moaned, cried softly into her mouth, wanting to both run away and never let go. It was too good, too wonderful, and between his heart racing and the panting, he wasn’t sure he could handle it anymore.

Kylo pulled away from her, gasping for breath as if he could never get enough air, every nerve in his body alive and dancing. He didn’t know where to put his hands, what to do, or how to breathe.

“Shit, you okay?” Rey stared at him with a crooked brow, and he couldn’t articulate an answer.

How did you explain the sudden overwhelm of feeling good for the first time in your life? He gripped the stone of the wall and just nodded, unable to look at her or he’d die instantly. The gasping slowed to panting, and that quieted into general shaking. At that point she took his hand, and he was glad she waited until then. He had to let the sensations die down to a level he could understand and process before he could handle the magic of her touch once more.

Many more kisses were to come, but each one took him to new heights. He did not yet know or understand all these feelings, but eventually, he finally found a word that fit:

Love.

That was just the start of his awakening.

~*~

_They’re so soft. So round and curvy._

Kylo wasn’t crazy about these things called shopping malls. They were loud and chaotic and full of strange people who gave him looks he didn’t understand. He tried to focus on what Leia wanted to buy for him, but it made no sense why he had to pick out clothes. He had worn the same uniform his entire life, what did he know about such things?

But he was supposed to learn to like things, right? Honestly, there was only one thing he liked right now.

Girls.

Laughing, bouncing with every step, smiles on shiny lips. In every color, shape, size. Some thin, some thick. Straight hair, curls, no hair. He liked them all.

Pretty eyes with long lashes. Muscles moving beneath soft skin. He wondered what it would be like to touch them, run his fingertips along shoulders, arms, and cheeks.

Would they be as soft as Rey? Would they be softer?

He wanted to reach out, _ached_ to reach out and feel, to know the truth, to understand. But all these beautiful girls were lovely butterflies with boundaries. They had to tell him it was okay to touch. That’s what Mom said.

“How about this, Kylo?” Leia held up a shirt.

His eyes were busy following a pair of girls walking past him. They smelled like the flowers in Leia’s garden. Did all girls smell so sweet?

“Hey!” Rey punched his arm. “Your mom’s talking to you. Stop gawking.”

Kylo gave her a short growl and turned to the shirt. He scratched his head. “Does Ben wear that kind of shirt?”

“What matters more,” Leia said, “is whether _you_ like it or not. Would you like to try it on?”

He didn’t understand the point but… “Okay.”

“They come in different colors too.” She slid the shirts along the rack. “They also have green, gray, red—”

_That_ color made him feel light and happy. It was just like his lightsaber. “I like red.”

“Then red it is. Come, let’s go try it on.”

No droids were available at the fitting rooms. Leia rolled her eyes and huffed, hand on her hip. “Does no one run a store properly anymore?” It was at that moment Kylo could see the hints of the princess his mother once was. She shook her head. “Never mind. It’s just a shirt. Come, take that off and try this on before the mirrors.”

Kylo pulled off the long sleeved black shirt Ben had so many of. He tossed it aside, slid on the red one, and paused at his reflection in the mirror.

Oh he liked this.

He _really_ liked this.

With the black pants, his black hair, and the lightsaber on his hip, he felt so powerful, strong and vibrant. “I like it. I think I like red. I think I want everything black and red.”

“Perfect! Then let’s go find you some more red shirts. Maybe we’ll bring some blue ones home for Ben, what do you think?”

Kylo nodded. “Ben likes blue. It’s his color, like this is mine.”

“It does suit you very well. Come, take it off, we still have to pay for it, and when we get home, you can wear it all you want.”

Excitement tingled through him. As he pulled it over his head, he heard whispers and coos. His eyes darted around the changing area, and he found himself surrounded by women. He wasn’t sure why, but they had strange smiles that made his heart beat faster. Some bit their bottom lip, others stood in a manner that warmed his cheeks.

Rey crossed her arms, leaned against a mirror, and grinned. “Look at that, Ky. You are officially eye candy.”

The women whispered and murmured in agreement. Kylo looked down at himself and in the mirrors. Did women like this? He was so full of scars, his muscles way too big and sharp, not soft like Ben. Why did they like this?

Rey was giggling. Something about this amused her. “Flex for your fans. Show them the muscles.”

Kylo just stared at her in confusion. What was it she wanted him to do? She quickly demonstrated, and upon comprehension, he picked up his arms and tightened so his muscles stood out. The women cheered and startled him. They _did_ like this! Liked _him!_ But Rey liked Ben soooo…this was terribly confusing.

“Alright,” Leia said, waving them off, “my son is not a piece of meat, go on now.” She handed him his black shirt. “Better throw this back on.”

Kylo gathered it in his hands. “Is showing my body wrong? Did I cross boundaries?”

“No, you didn’t. But I think they were about to cross yours soon.” She patted him on the arm as he pulled his shirt down. “There will be a time and place to have fun with your body, but there’s still a lot to learn about dealing with others before that happens. Come on, let’s go get you some more clothes so you don’t have to shop in Ben’s room.”

Kylo gazed at himself in the mirror once more. Hidden away in the long black sleeves, he was a different person, not like who he was in the other shirt.

He really liked red.

And girls.

~*~

Kylo rubbed his face, his mind and body narrowly focused on one thing and just would not _stop_. It was all those girls, with their pretty shapes and sizes and colors, sweet scents and soft hair. And how they looked at him, how they _liked_ him, eyed his body while touching their throats or standing with their hips out.

He’d never been around so many girls before. He’d never really been _liked_ before. Only once…

Oh stars, it was driving him crazy. He hadn’t felt this bothered since he was a teen, since that time with Rey.

Her soft skin…

Her sweet lips…

Her warm body…

The sensation, the urgency, just got worse as the evening wore on. He tried to focus on the flavors at the dinner table to keep himself occupied and refused to look at Rey. Still, he had to keep his new red shirt hanging over his now entirely too-tight pants.

He used to have so much more control over himself, at least once Rey left Exegol. The shame and punishment were enough to keep him out of his pants then, especially since there was no more temptation. But every time he made a visual Force-bond connection, it would all stir back up again. Sometimes it was just better to contact her telepathically. It would avoid the resulting ache and frenzy that made him want to succumb to his disgusting weaknesses.

There were only so many pushups he could do before his arms gave out, and still it did nothing to quell that insatiable desire. These were the moments he hated himself the most, when his stupid body would just work against him, fail him in a battle, scream in pain, and want something so badly it took over his entire existence until he finally gave in. Weak.

And then Ben tried to get him to watch a movie, to calm down, and things just got worse. More girls, more curves, Rey just one body away from him, and that was it. He stormed into his room and threw himself into bed, hoping he could just sleep it off.

Even there, all he did was flop, flip, turn, and growl, biting into his pillow in pure frustration. He rolled onto his stomach and thrust his fists down. The resulting motion inadvertently made him press his lower regions against the mattress.

Oh damn, that felt good. He did it once again and immediately flipped himself back over. Aching…needing… He grasped his achingly hard manhood and squeezed. At the surge of pleasure, he whipped his hand away and clawed at the mattress.

He had to fight it. No girl would ever like him if they knew he touched himself like this, gave in to such disgusting, inhuman faults.

His mind drifted back to when he just turned seventeen. Rey had been around him for a few months. At first he just enjoyed having her around. She was kind even if she yelled at him a lot, but he was used to that. She was strong, fought hard, really worked at strengthening her powers, forming their dyad.

Then she had kissed him, taught him that incredible pleasure and soft delight could be had with only the gentlest of touches: soft lips on his, warm breath caressing his skin, her soft body pressed against his chest, hands roaming his back. Sensations beyond his wildest dreams.

But it caused his body to respond in ways he didn’t understand, to yearn, ache, and long for something that made no sense but couldn’t be stopped. His entire body had burned for her, muscles tight, fingers clawing at the wall, his arm, his leg. Intoxication, madness. 

In his cell he would pace—circles, pivoting, bouncing. Anything to distract him from this frustration.

And then Palpatine’s voice plagued him.

**Weak boy, if you give in to your base, needless desires, you will never be a true warrior. You’ll be nothing but a failure.**

At first the admonishment stopped him, but the more time he spent with Rey, the worse it got, whatever it was. He just couldn’t fight it anymore, even as Palpatine screamed at him and called him a miserable wreck of a miscreation over and over.

Finally, driven to a madness he couldn’t understand, he gave into himself. After a moment of sweet relief, it all fell apart. Shame bore down on him like boulders. Already Palpatine was back in his head, crooning how it was such a disappointment he had caved to his faulty nature, how he’d never be anything, and Rey would never want him now because he was a dirty little monster who did such disgusting things.

Kylo remembered inching into the corner of his cell and wrapping his arms around himself, wishing they were full of Rey’s soft, warm body. But she’d never want someone who did abhorrent things to himself like that. Why couldn’t he control himself? He really was as pathetic as Palpatine always said.

Teen Kylo wished he was allowed to cry. Instead, he punched himself in the ribs until the physical pain was more than the pain in his head and heart.

His thoughts back in the present, Kylo seriously considered that solution. Maybe the only way out of this perpetual, grinding need was pain. But Ben told him to stop hurting himself.

Oh stars, what if Ben found out he was like this?! Ben was so perfect in every way, surely he would think Kylo was some kind of deviant because of this insatiable urge. Kylo wanted Ben to think highly of him, to love him and like him. If Ben found out what kind of vile creature he was, Ben would never think of him as a brother again.

Kylo clenched his fist. He had no choice. It was pain or lose everything. And he was used to pain.

He raised his hand and clenched his eyes shut. He promised Ben he’d stop hurting himself, especially after that doctor appointment that seemed to scare his brother so much, but if he didn’t do this, the urge would never go away.

But how could he break his promise to the brother who gave him everything, showed him everything, let Kylo perform experiments in the basement and work with the Knights of Ben—

Waaaaaait…

Melanie!

Ben said Melanie was okay! That she was totally a sexbot. He said it on the Falcon. Granted it was before the big battle, but surely it was still okay, right? And Melanie, she relieved that overwhelming desire before.

Kylo drifted into that memory, smiling as he dropped his fist, no longer interested in punching himself…

On the Falcon, the night before facing Palpatine, Kylo was a ball of fire and energy as he always was before a battle. He threw off his shirt, stepped before Holo-dancer, and the system automatically turned on. Good, because he still wasn’t entirely sure how to work the thing. Just as he was pawing at the song list, he felt a warm but smooth and hard hand on his back.

“Well hello, you sexy beast.”

It was female, and he had never heard it before. Kylo turned to see a lovely face in a pearlescent tone. Her face looked almost human if not for the shimmering silvery pink, but her body was clearly droid. Nice, though. Curvy. Pink, blue, and silver, and if she wasn’t made of metal, she would have appeared barely clothed. And that’s when it kicked up again, that feeling he had when he was still with Rey, that want and need that could not be stopped until his hand would force it to completion.

Not this again. And why in the presence of this droid? And why did she say that? “Why did you call me a sexy beast?”

Her face shifted to concern, and it was so cute he felt his heart skip. “You programmed me to say it, Dr. Solo.” She smiled. “You like it when I call you that. You said it puts a tickle in your pickle.”

Kylo did NOT know what to do with that information and seriously wondered about that brother of his. “I’m not Ben. I’m Kylo. I’m his brother.”

She tilted her head. “Dr. Solo doesn’t have a brother.”

“I’m his clone.”

She brightened. “That explains the resemblance. Then the scar is not makeup? There was no cosplay contest today?”

“It’s real. No cosplay. Um, I’m…not sure what I should do here. Let me get Ben.”

Both of her hands gripped his shoulders in a soothing massage that made all the tension just drain out of his body. “No need to rush off. You’re so tense. I can sense your tension and know just how to relieve it.”

Kylo sunk into the immense pleasure of her touch. It wasn’t the same as a human hand, and perhaps that was for the best right now. There was more magic in human touch, evidenced by his memory of Rey’s hands upon him but also other kinds of touches, like Ben’s hugs or Leia’s hand on his. Human touch was powerful and intense. It could bring pain or joy, and he wasn’t always sure which he was going to get.

But a droid? That was expected. Safe. A droid was programmed for certain functions, and he didn’t have to worry about deception or sudden attacks. Droids attended to his needs as a baby until he was competent enough to begin his training.

Considering how Snoke treated him, he wished he had stayed with the droids.

On the Star Destroyer, the droids in Medbay serviced his wounds, which alone was a confusing experience seeing as he wasn’t allowed proper medical care on Exegol. But he had been too battered by Rey to protest and just let them do as they needed.

Functional, direct, goal oriented, the droids cared for his body. What was this droid’s function and goal?

Kylo closed his eyes as her fingers expertly caressed his muscles, tingles of pleasure trotting beneath his skin. “What are you called?”

“Melanie.”

“That’s a strange droid designation.”

Her hand slid over his shoulders and down his chest, sparking that delightful heaviness in his pants once again. “Dr. Solo says I’m more than a droid. I’m a companion, and I deserve a name fitting for the companion of a highly respected scientist such as him.”

Those metal hands slid even lower over his stomach while her face pressed close to his. Her pink hair tickled his cheek and smelled of berries. “Ummm…” Why did a metal body feel so good pressed up against his back? His breaths deepened as he tried to resist that overwhelming, intoxicating sensation that drove him mad. He hadn’t allowed himself to succumb to that feeling in three years. Why did it have to be brought back now? “Melanie, what is your function as a droid?”

She stepped around to face him. Her hands draped around his neck while her body pressed against his, right against his already aching, hardening manhood. He sucked in a breath at the sensation, his body shuddering while heat swam into his cheeks.

He had to get control of himself, but she just looked at him with hazy softness and he didn’t want to turn away. “I’m a companion; everything that entails. I can sit with you and listen to all you have to say. I can help you and bring you what you need.” Her lips grew closer to his, and he wondered what they would feel like. “I can touch you and make you feel good, relieve all that tension stored up in those big strong muscles of yours.” Her faintly luminous blue eyes flicked up to his. “And I can pleasure you in any way you wish.” Her lips hovered just outside his, and he couldn’t stop his body from trembling.

Kylo drifted back to those memories of his first kiss. Now, before Melanie, those sensations drew up once again, of wanting, of deep desire for connection. But this was a droid, not a person, not Rey. Could he kiss her? _Should_ he kiss her?

His lip quivering, he asked, “Are you going to kiss me?”

Melanie lowered her eyelids in such a seductive manner Kylo felt his knees weaken. “Would you like me to?”

Rationality tried to take over. This was a droid, one of _Ben’s_ droids, one of the Knights of Ben. He shouldn’t do this. He had no _right_ to do this. But his body ached, yearned, desperately needed that connection once again, that bliss, that transcendence.

Rey didn’t want him anymore, and tomorrow he could die. So did it matter, then? Couldn’t he just…try it? Get one last moment of happiness he couldn’t get from anywhere else?

“Yes please,” he barely murmured.

Melanie’s pearlescent face grew closer, and she tilted her head, eyelids lowering. Kylo followed suit, just like Rey had taught him. Softness pressed against his lips. Different, definitely different from the pure pillowy softness that was Rey’s lips, but soft enough, warm enough.

Kylo pulled her metal body against his and fought the urge to just _grind_ against her. Then she did it _for_ him, and his breath hitched. Without really thinking about it, he slipped his tongue into her mouth, wondering what it would be like. A tongue as soft as her lips met his, sweetness and wetness, so close to the real thing, so incredibly close.

He pulled her tighter, deepening his kiss and this time actually grinding against her, not even thinking about it, his body just acting of its own volition. But she didn’t mind.

By the stars he was so needy, so desperate to relieve that pressure that plagued him when Rey was around, the one he had been scolded for endlessly, bringing heat of shame to his cheeks every time his pants would swell.

Kylo followed Melanie’s lead in the kiss, this one having grown deeper and more powerful than he had ever shared with Rey. They had come close only once before she broke from it, saying it was too much too soon. He didn’t know, all he knew was that incessant drive to do it more, to keep going, to find out why his body was reacting in ways he couldn’t understand, that felt so good and so frustrating at the same time.

But Melanie didn’t break from it. She kept going, taking it deeper, and though it wasn’t the same, no, not at all, it was still _something_. And it felt good. One thing he had been learning since Ben saved him was that things that felt good probably _were_ good.

Though he really should have checked with—

“Kylo?!” It was Rey’s voice.

“Melanie!” That was Ben.

He was caught. Oh no…

Kylo could only turn, feeling so stricken and uncomfortable. This was a situation he didn’t know how to handle. Was he supposed to punish himself? Was that Ben’s job since it was his droid? Whatever it was, the joy he had just moments before was gone and might never come back.

What could he say or do? “Oh. Hello. It’s…um…not what you think.”

Rey crossed her arms. “I think you’re making out with a droid.”

Oh, he was in trouble now. His face burned. Kylo licked his lips. “Okay, maybe it is—b-but she called me a sexy beast.” That at least was the truth. Melanie had sought him out, not the other way around. That had to count for something, right?

Rey turned to Ben, and Kylo did the same. Oh he really hoped he didn’t anger his brother. That was more than he could handle right now.

Instead, Ben smiled and patted him on the back. “It’s fine, bro. She’s totally a sexbot.” He waved. “Have fun! And be nice to her!”

Wait, that was it?

Melanie winked. “I’ll take good care of your brother, Dr. Solo.”

Ben’s smile grew enormous, face reddening. “I know you will—come on, Rey!” He grasped her hand and made a hasty exit out of the cargo hold.

Kylo never had a chance to ask him what a sexbot was. He turned back to Melanie. “Why did he call you a sexbot?”

Melanie’s smile made his heart skip. “As your most devoted companion, I can give you anything you want, including fulfilling all of your sexual needs and desires.” She blinked softly, and the hazy look upon her face made him harden once again after that interruption murdered it. “What is it you would like to do, Kylo?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I never…I…I don’t know any of this. I—I don’t know how to be with this! I’m not sure—”

She put her metal finger to his lips. “Shhhhh, you’re getting so tense. I can relieve you of your tension. If you don’t know what you’d like, I can give you a random selection.”

That sounded like the safest bet. He nodded. “Okay.”

Melanie closed her eyes for a moment before the luminous blues were revealed once more. “Selection loaded.”

He wondered what that entailed. “O-okay.”

Melanie pulled him in for a kiss once again, and even though her body was hard metal, it was warm and still felt so good against his skin. Any kind touch felt wonderful. Those kisses deepened and he couldn’t help but grind against her once more, his blood, muscles, skin, perhaps even his bones just primed and clawing for a release from this intoxicating spell.

Melanie left his lips, and he nudged at her cheek to get it back, so needy, so desperately needy of everything she could give him. But she took her kisses to his cheek instead, then down to his neck where his body just tingled and surrendered to her. So good, and it was overwhelming how good it was.

Her hands upon his chest, she nudged him backwards until he stopped against a crate. He gripped the corners of it as she peppered kisses down his chest and over his fusion scars, an act so tender and respectful it made his breath hitch. He’d always felt self conscious about them because no one else had them. It was a constant reminder of how flawed he was, but Melanie didn’t see a flaw. She kissed them as if they were beautiful.

He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to fall in love with a droid, but this felt like love. To feel so good, being treated with such tenderness, what else could it be?

Her kisses and little tongue licks trailed down his stomach, warmth and light tickles that made him smile. This was so nice, so much fun. Often in his life he wished he _was_ a machine, to be more like his grandfather, Darth Vader, who Palpatine praised until that final act of betrayal (at least from the old meat bag’s point of view.) To be a machine would have made things so much easier. No pain, no hunger, no maddening drive for sensations that caused him to be weak.

But now? All these beautiful touches he had experienced, hugs and kisses and whatever Melanie was doing to him, he could honestly say he was glad he had a body. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

She unlatched his belt and his heart raced, wondering what she would do. No good ever came from anything down there, filthy shameful parts that he was so pathetic for catering toward. But Ben said this was okay. He programmed her for these things, so it must be good, right?

She unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down, causing him to press himself against the crate. He felt so exposed, fearful of watching eyes ready to shout at him for revealing himself. His uniform was designed to hide his skin, his sub-humanity, and now it was on display for anyone to see, to mock and shame him.

Well, almost fully on display.

His underpants stuck out at an angle, and it was so incredibly humiliating. He really hoped Ben didn’t program Melanie to laugh at such things. Instead, she grasped his throbbing appendage while remaining on her knees, making his breath hitch as the surge of pleasure sent a wave of delightful urgency through his body. Each breath that poured out of his heaving chest carried a soft moan he couldn’t control.

He hated being out of control. He had spent so many years trying to do that _one thing_ and look how quickly he succumbed because of that filthy part of his!

Melanie grasped his underpants and pulled them down, exposing him fully to the cargo hold. Panic seized him, the shame of it red and hot along his cheeks, neck, and chest. Why was she doing this? She made him feel so good, and now he was just the center of a joke.

“W-why am I naked?” He couldn’t say it without a tremor in his voice to match his shaking body.

But in her robot eyes there was no mockery, no shame, no judgment. “So I can better pleasure you, Kylo. You’re so tense. Allow me to relieve your tension.”

He wasn’t sure anything could relieve his tension until that hand grasped his manhood and that surge flooded him again. Involuntarily, he thrust up against her hand and felt like garbage. “I-I’m sorry. I can’t stop my body from doing these things. I’m so weak.” He could hear it in his head, Palpatine, over and over. Snoke, the cultists, a cacophony of chants all to crush him for his constant deficiencies because he was nothing but a lab-grown sub-human.

Melanie smiled. “Your body is meant to do these things, Kylo. It’s natural and perfectly fine. Do not apologize. You just need some soothing. I can soothe you, Kylo.”

Oh, he wanted that. He really, really wanted that, because this was both the best and worst thing at the same time. It felt so right, but all the voices in his head kept saying it was so wrong. He didn’t know what to believe anymore.

She stroked him, and he wanted it again. She obliged without his asking, gaining speed, all the while looking up at him with angelic illuminated eyes and a sweet, precious smile.

Oh, it felt so good. This couldn’t be wrong. But all the times he had caved into his weaknesses and done this himself, it always felt wrong. And Palpatine was in his head, no longer a real voice but still an incessant memory, assuring it. But if she did it, it couldn’t be wrong, right? Ben programmed her for this, and Ben was perfect and smart and knew the correct way of things.

Maybe…just maybe…he should let himself enjoy it.

His breaths picked up, jaw quivering with every escape, wanting and needing and so scared, so confused, but his body insisted upon this, not willing to let him out of its hold until completion.

Melanie opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. He was about to ask her what was wrong when her mouth slid over his aching manhood.

Kylo let out a cry of shock mixed with utter ecstasy as he squeezed the corners of the crate. Oh, this was something else. This was so much stronger, so much better. Her mouth moved up and down, hot and slippery, making him thrust his head back with a moan. What was this? What was she doing to him? Whatever this was, it was the most incredible thing he’d ever experienced. Possessive, overpowering his body and soul. The voices stopped because there was no room for them. There was nothing but pleasure, his entire being primed and engaged in it.

He tipped his head down to look at her while she pleasured him in a way he never expected. And it felt so good. _Sooooo_ good, the likes of which he never knew something could feel.

She looked back up at him with sweet smiling eyes, as if this was all good. No shame, no hurt, no weakness. This was all good. He was good. He was worthy of this joy.

The intensity of it built into something that made him feel like he would explode into pieces but in a good way. This was all too much, especially after a lifetime of misery, but he never wanted it to stop.

Panting, he gripped the edge of the crate enough that he could almost break pieces of it off while involuntarily thrusting against her. But she didn’t fight him, didn’t stop him, just kept looking up at him like he was the most glorious thing she’d ever seen.

And then it built, so high, so powerful, such impossible pleasure to the point he felt like he left himself. His lips curled into a soft smile as he tried to hold on to it, because it was the greatest thing he had ever experienced and he couldn’t let it go.

It crested in a spasming release that made him cry out for the entire ship to hear while his body tensed in such a good way. On and on he felt himself finishing, as if years of it had backed up in him, and it probably did. Finally his muscles eased, his breaths heavy and calming, warmth and elation spreading through him. Melanie slid off of him, making him gasp from the sudden sensation.

Her serene smile, so delicate and precious. Was this love? He wasn’t sure. Love seemed to be so simple and easy, yet so incredibly baffling. He felt love, he just wasn’t sure if he should.

But when was love wrong? So confusing…

Kylo trembled, but it was okay, because it was excitement, not fear. Coming down from such an intense experience, he felt calm even as his limbs shook.

Melanie drew up his underpants, and he suddenly felt like he should cater to her, not the other way around. “It’s okay, I got it,” he said as he clothed himself once more. After buckling his belt, despite feeling like he could just curl up and fall asleep on a crate, he remained admiring her.

Melanie pressed herself against his body, hands on his chest. “Did you enjoy yourself, Kylo?”

He slid his hands around her lower back, feeling metal and panels and not caring. “Yes. Thank you.”

Her smile made his heart flutter. “Anything for you.”

Kylo leaned forward and kissed her, softer than before, lacking passion but full of love. No, it wasn’t like kissing a real human, but it was safe, and she wanted him to, and she was so cute and precious.

Tomorrow he might die. If he could at least have this moment, even if it wasn’t with a human, then he could die with a smile on his face. He’d lived more in a few days than he had his entire life, and even if this moment wasn’t perfect, like with a real woman, like with Rey, it was perfect enough.

That memory sealed the deal. He needed Melanie. Now!

Kylo leapt up and signaled for his door to open. Head arched low to garner some speed, he sprung out of his room and plowed face-first into Ben’s chest. “Ergh…”

“Oh shit, Kylo!” Ben grasped his shoulders. “Your nose okay?”

At least his brother understood the risks of having such prominence. Kylo rubbed his soreness and massaged his brow. “Yeah…”

“Okay. Listen buddy, are you feeling alright? You were a bit grumpy this evening. You want to talk about it?”

How was he supposed to explain this to Ben? Bad enough he was caught in the act with Melanie before. Ben _said_ it was okay to be with her though. Kylo just couldn’t let on that he almost touched himself. “Ben, um…” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Is it still okay to be with Melanie?”

Ben inhaled in relief. “Is that why you’ve been more growly than usual?”

Kylo pressed his palm to his head. “Ben, please, I need this. All day shopping with Mom and there were just these girls, everywhere, so many girls, so pretty. And they looked at me when I had my shirt off. They really _looked_ at me and liked me. And I just wanted…” How did he articulate this? How much did he share? Was it okay to say how he wanted to touch them all, to feel their lips upon his skin, upon his chest, maybe his stomach. To feel their hands roaming his body, to do the same in return, maybe even all of them at once. He exhaled in excitement at this and closed his eyes. “I just wanted.”

Ben grasped his shoulder. “Believe me buddy, I get it. And yes, it’s still okay to be with Melanie, but right now she’s down for maintenance. I have to finish her scan and then run a few patches before she’s back online again.”

NO! Kylo grasped his hair, desperate. How was he going to get through the rest of the night without her? “How long will that take?!”

“Probably all night. She has a very sophisticated backend to comprehend and exhibit human emotion, so maintenance can take a while.”

Kylo growled in frustration and paced the hallway. What was he going to do now? 

Ben pursed his lips and shifted them to the side. “Whoooa, you’re really backed up there, huh buddy? I’m sorry, bro. You’ll just have to fire off a round or two tonight, and I promise she’ll be ready by tomorrow.”

Kylo did not know what that meant. “I should go shooting?” Seemed like a stupid time to do that. Made no sense.

“No, I mean spank the Loth cat, choke the scalefish—”

Kylo just shook his head. Why did he have to harm animals now? Was this some kind of Jedi ritual? “What are you talking about?!” Oh damn if he wasn’t just so _frustrated_ , he didn’t want to be short with Ben, but real anger was building up.

“Oh stars, you probably never heard those terms, sorry. Just go…rub one out?”

Kylo tilted his head, frustration at nuclear levels.

“Massage yourself?”

He was really about to lose it.

Ben rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Masturbate. Grab your dick and yank on it until you have an orgasm.”

Kylo dropped his jaw. Did Ben just suggest that?! “I would never do that!”

Ben looked at him in shock and horror. “S’cuse me?”

Kylo straightened. “I am not weak. I am better than that. And I won’t bring shame to you or your house by indulging such a disgusting act—”

Ben flailed his arms like was trying to stop a starship from taking off. “Whoa—whoa— _WHOA!_ ” He pointed. “Bedroom. Discussion. Now.”

Kylo felt sick. Oh, now he’d done it. Ben suspected the truth. Of course, his brother could feel it on the Force. Ben probably knew about all those times when Kylo just couldn’t resist the pull, when he had been weak and vile and deplorable.

This was it. This was when Ben would tell him he was no longer allowed in their home. At least that finally killed the incessant desire. Hanging his head, he slunk into the room and plopped onto the edge of his bed, probably for the last time.

Damn his head hurt.

Ben signaled the door to close and sat beside him. “Kylo, why did you say all that? Is that what Palpatine made you think about pleasuring yourself?”

No point in holding back now, and maybe he spoke more bitterly than he should have toward his brother, but since things were going south anyway… “It’s the truth! Fiddling with my dirty parts, succumbing to my weaknesses, my…pathetic sub-human urges and desires, getting covered in that foul substance. I did it, okay? When I couldn’t stop myself, when I was seventeen, I just couldn’t stop, no matter how many times Palpatine said I was disgusting and wrong for it. He tried to stop me and I just couldn’t. So weak…”

Ben hung his head in his hands, probably so damn disappointed in him. “Please just tell me Palpatine was a voice and not…watching you or with you.”

Kylo shook his head. “Voice.”

Ben heaved out a breath of relief for some reason, but still seemed perturbed.

“He was in my head all the time. He knew what I was doing whenever I was doing it. There was no escaping him.” He had to wrangle some sort of dignity in all this. “But I stopped, Ben! Once Rey left and there were no other girls around, I finally stopped myself. I was strong, Ben. I fought it and I was strong and now…” He sighed and hung his head. “Now I’m weakening again. At least…with Melanie…I’m not being shameful. And she approached me. And you said it was okay.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry if my…lack of control is more than is acceptable here. I’ll understand if you don’t want me around.” He huffed. “I barely want to be around myself when I’m like this.”

Silence. While Kylo waited for the lightsaber to fall and cut him off from the life he had just started to build, Ben pulled him into a hug, one of those strong, deep hugs that said Ben was hurting for him, worried about him.

When Ben finally let go, he grasped Kylo’s shoulders. “Kylo, I need you to listen to me and believe me, okay?” Kylo nodded while his stomach knotted in dread. “You are not sub-human, and there is nothing wrong with your body. There is nothing wrong with touching your body, and there is certainly nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself. _Three years_ you’ve been denying yourself? _Three years?!_ ”

Kylo nodded, and he felt so very confused. “Why does the time matter?”

Ben looked up at the ceiling. “I would have _died_ if I waited that long! I would have completely exploded in a mushroom cloud of testosterone and sperm. What the fucking shit—why would he say that to you—I mean what the—how is it any of his—the _FUCK?_ ”

Kylo frowned, still so very confused. “If you would have died, how am I still alive?”

Ben sighed. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I couldn’t go three weeks. Hell, I could barely go three days. Back when I was eighteen-nineteen? I was probably banging one out twice a day unless I had a lot of experiments going on that needed full attention. How the hell did you hold it for three years?!”

Kylo leaned forward as the realization hit him. “You mean _you_ do this?”

“All the time! Rey calls Poe a chronic masturbator—he’s got nothing on me! I still do it now even though I’m with Rey because if I don’t I’ll explode in less than two minutes—know-what-actually this isn’t about me. Kylo…” Ben gripped the back of his brother’s head. “…this is not a bad or disgusting or wrong thing. And what comes out of you will make beautiful children one day. There’s nothing wrong with it. Palpatine lied to you, just like he always does. I’m…guessing it was more Dark Side bullshit training, make you constantly angry and frustrated to increase your power. But you don’t need to do that anymore, and you certainly don’t need to listen to what that bastard told you. Kylo, touching yourself is safe, natural, and healthy.”

Kylo’s entire world flipped upside down. “What? Healthy—what?!”

“Yeah, buddy. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s no shame in it. Just about every guy does it, hell, every girl does it I’m sure—and now I have to get that visual out of my head because I’m starting up already.” He turned his intense focus back to Kylo. “It’s your body, your own sovereign planet. No one has a right to tell you what to do with it, as long as you’re not hurting yourself. And seeking pleasure isn’t wrong. You like Mom’s cooking, right?”

Kylo nodded vehemently. “Oh yeah!”

“Well that’s seeking a pleasure of the body, and that’s not wrong. It’s safe and healthy, right?”

“Yeah.”

“This is no different. Just keep it private, in your own room, in the shower, in the bed—keep a towel handy for cleanup—wherever, as long as it’s a private space where no one can walk in on you. Don’t ask me how I know, but let’s just say it was really hard to look Mom in the eyes the next morning.” His face reddened.

“Mom saw you doing it?”

Ben gave him a crooked grin. “Yeahhh…”

“And she didn’t hate you after?”

“No! Because she understands that it’s natural and normal. It’s just…not something you want to be seen doing by your parents because ew.”

Kylo blinked as he pondered that word. _Normal_ _…_ It settled into him, made more sense than anything else. He had never known normal. His brother assured him that the life of Ben Solo wasn’t normal at all, but compared to Kylo’s…

Steady and consistent meals, sunshine and fresh air, soft beds and cozy bedrooms, hugs and smiles: this was a normal Kylo had never known. And now masturbation was normal too. Wow…

Ben sat up and tapped at his comm. “Now, seeing as we’ve learned something new today, I’m going to give you something you’re going to thank me for in no time.” He tapped once again. “Check your comm.”

Kylo flicked his finger through the list. “What are these?”

“All of my most faaaavorite porn sites, just to get you started.”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “What is porn?”

Ben grinned. “Remember what I stuck on the screens on the Star Destroyer that time?”

Oh Kylo remembered. He would never forget that. Three years of suppressing that incessant drive only to see endless penises and vaginas and penises entering vaginas and whatever in the hell Ben turned on in Medbay because that was just insanity. And as he remembered those moments, the images sparked something in his mind and boom, just like that, he felt himself harden again. “Ohhhh, I get it now.”

“And this second page is a listing of all the fun kinks that are out there, you know, in case the standard stuff isn’t doing it for you.”

“What’s a kink?”

“I guess you’d call it sexual stuff that’s different from the norm: bondage and discipline, human pet, spike heels, waterplay, the list goes on and on.”

Kylo’s eye twitched again. “Do… _you_ have a kink you like?”

Ben scrolled down, a grin twitching on his lips. He tapped a selection and showed Kylo. “Droids. The more parts the better.”

Having already been with Melanie, Kylo felt himself understanding. “Ohhhh, that’s…kind of nice.”

“Isn’t it? She’s my favorite. Highly recommended.” Ben snickered and stood, bracing his hands on Kylo’s shoulders one more time. “Have fun, Kylo. Just let loose and enjoy it. Ignore whatever remnants of Palpatine’s bullshit still stay in your head. That life, Kylo, that is gone. This is just one more step in reclaiming your life as your own, okay?”

Ben said it was okay. Ben said it was healthy and natural and _normal_. If Ben said it, then it was the truth. That meant…

That meant…

Okay, Ben needed to leave. “I um…think I need that privacy now.”

Ben gave him a knowing smile. “Sure thing. Goodnight Kylo. This is a great way to help you fall asleep too.”

Kylo nodded, remembering how tired he always was after. “Night Ben, and thank you. You…you have no idea…”

“Thinking about three years of that hell, I don’t want an idea!” He winked and left the room.

That left Kylo alone. All by himself.

To do as he wished.

Because it was safe, healthy, and normal.

And it was okay.

And Ben did it. A lot. And so did everyone else.

He was free. To do exactly what he wanted.

Kylo grabbed at himself, squeezing his manhood and reveling in the rush of excitement and desire that pumped through his veins. This was okay. This was healthy. He stroked himself again and shuddered, overcome with the sheer need of it. _Normal_ _, healthy, natural._ He gave another stroking squeeze and felt like he was going to burst out of his pants any second. Kylo yanked at his belts and pants buttons, nearly tearing the fabric. After shoving down his underpants, he sprung free, open and wild to this normal world that now was his.

Wrapping his hand around himself felt even better than from over the fabric. Every pull stirred a heavenly tension, and he couldn’t stop trembling over the combination of freedom to enjoy himself and inherent fear that he shouldn’t be doing this at all. Two sides warring for control, raging on inside of him, but all he wanted was just to feel good, to relieve himself of this overwhelming pressure.

_Dirty thing. Wretched creature. Weak trash that should never have been created._

Ben said to ignore it but it just kept replaying in his head. Even with Palpatine dead his voice still plagued Kylo’s mind. This was unfair, to be free yet bound by something inside your own head you can’t control.

He had to replace it with something. An image. Anything. Oh, those women surrounding him in the store, looking at his body.

Yeah, that was working.

What if Mom hadn’t been there? What if the women stepped forward and touched him, ran their soft hands along his skin, over his chest, down his stomach, into his pants?

Oh yeah. That was perfect.

So many hands, so many women, their lips kissing his neck, his chest, his lips, maybe his stomach. Their sweet scent and soft skin.

And in the midst of them, Rey.

No! Can’t think of Rey. That’s off limits. Rey is with Ben and…

And it felt so much better.

So good.

He couldn’t think of Rey, and the more he fought it, the more her soft but muscular body plagued his soul. The shift of her hips, her rounded bottom, peaks of breasts—

The heavenly tension built into a cresting wave almost immediately. Intense pleasure filled him, and he was free to enjoy it, free to make it last, and no one could take it away from him again.

His entire body bucked into a hefty spasm as he cried out, ending in a growl that faded to a moan of sweet heavenly release. His skin tingled, flush and warm while a heavenly relaxation rolled over him.

Safe. Natural. Healthy. Normal. This was okay. This was good.

Oh hell, this was fucking incredible.

He only wished he hadn’t thought of Rey. Maybe that crossed the line, but his head was so very good at betraying him. Flooding him with voices that were no longer there, giving him visuals he specifically asked _not_ to have. When would _his mind_ ever be normal?

At least he had this. One of many new freedoms and firsts.

Kylo let go of himself and felt it immediately—the result. He lifted his hand and flexed his fingers, his fluids stretching between them. His stomach lurched while his skin burned in shame, thoughts rocketing back to the first time he had ever seen this substance come out of him. Voices burned in his head again, mocking him with disgust for such pathetic acts of the weak. He was supposed to be above that, beyond that. A machine.

Back then he had scrubbed his hands until they were raw, trying to erase the shame that would not leave. _Nothing that comes out of a man is clean. It is all filth._ That’s what he had always been told.

But then Ben said it was good, natural. One day this would make a child. His own child.

Kylo trembled at the concept, both joy and terror. That he could have a child one day brightened a part of his heart that he didn’t know existed. But the fear of taking that child down his own dark path, or being too angry with him or slipping into a fit of rage and hurting an innocent being like he had been hurt?

No, that was too much.

Perhaps this stuff was good, would make something beautiful one day, but Kylo couldn’t let that happen, not in the foreseeable future. Too much darkness still flowed through him.

In his haste toward relief, he had forgotten the towel Ben had suggested and desperately needed to wash his hands. But damn he was so tired. He’d get up. In a minute. He just needed a minute. Just to…just to rest…

Kylo woke in the middle of the night, pants down with his hand sticking to his shirt, and vowed to be better prepared to enjoy himself next time.

~*~

Once he started, enjoying himself was all he could think about. Perhaps it was all the years of denying his needs, but now that he had the freedom, there wasn’t a morning, night, or shower that went by without a little personal action. The self-disgust still lingered afterward, but he tried to keep his focus on his health to tamp down that automatic response. Ben said it was healthy, and he was very concerned about getting Kylo healthy again, so this had to be a good thing.

And what he didn’t want to fulfill himself, there was always Melanie.

But he wanted to be careful with her, not be rude or ask for too much. After all, she still helped Ben in the lab, even if it made Rey roll her eyes. But when Ben was busy with Rey, that meant Melanie was free.

He enjoyed kissing her, taking it slow, letting her hands roam all over his body. How he desperately needed loving touches, as if each one reassured him there would still be more.

“Is this okay?” he asked as he ran his hand up her thigh. “I don’t want to cross your boundaries.”

“I don’t have boundaries, but if you would like some for educational purposes, I can download them and act as needed.”

Kylo thought about it. “Maybe, but not for tonight. I just need to feel good tonight. Can you even feel me do that?”

“I register the heat and electrostatic sensitivity.”

“Does it feel good?”

“Everything you do feels good.”

He realized she was programmed to say that, but it still tickled him (not sure if it tickled his pickle though, and that ridiculous phrase would never leave his head as long as he lived, thanks Ben…)

Kylo nuzzled into her hair as he sat next to her on the bed, delighting in the feel of having someone else with him. He wondered if he would have better endured Exegol if he had someone to hold and love at the end of the day. Someone he was assured would never leave him.

“Melanie, I think I want to try actual sex tonight. Not just that thing you do with your mouth.”

“What kind would you like? There are many positions and experiences. Shall I load some?”

“I want to know what it’s like to be with a woman for the first time. Can you…just follow my lead, just let it come naturally without loading a scenario?”

“Of course. Anything for you.”

Kylo stared into her eyes, wondering what it would be like to be with an actual woman. Would she be nervous, trembling like he was already starting to? Would she be knowledgeable and experienced or new and curious like him?

Perhaps Melanie picked up on his hesitation. She tilted her head and smiled, so incredibly adorable, and it sparked an ease in him. He cupped her jaw, thumb brushing her cheek, and dipped in for a kiss. Slow and soft, then warmer, deeper, stronger. Her hands slid over the fabric on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. That was always the thing, he could never get close enough, like he just wanted to _merge,_ be one.

Melanie grasped the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head. Her body was hard and smooth against his skin, but warm and soothing, regardless. Kylo kissed her once again, hands in her pink hair that was so much thicker than Rey’s. Melanie’s hands smoothed all over his body. She had learned how much touch meant to him and now provided it without being asked. She was so perfect.

Kylo pulled her robot body against his, deepening his kiss, wanting once again, needing, aching with the desire to just cover her with his body. With each stroke of his tongue in her mouth, he pushed against her. Melanie yielded to his advance. In fact, as she fell backwards onto the bed, she pulled him down with her.

Oh, that awoke something in him, something primal and hungry. He pressed his kiss even deeper, surging with fire as he rocked his hips against hers, his hardness yearning against her hard exterior. Kylo broke from the kiss to heave in breaths, everything already too much, and yet he wanted _more_. With another grind against her, the resulting surge of pleasure engulfed him. Stars, he wanted this so much, so bad, and nothing else would do. He needed to let his body just take control and get whatever held it spellbound out of his system.

Melanie’s breast panels suddenly opened up. Lo-and-behold, hiding beneath were two soft, rounded mounds with hardened peaks made of the same material as her face. “You can touch me if you’d like, Kylo.”

He swallowed and grasped one in each hand, the softness melting beneath his fingers. That deserved another grind, and another for good measure. Curious, he pressed his mouth over her nipple, gave it a nice little suckle and followed with a lick of his tongue, delighting in the shape and texture.

“That feels soooo good. You’re so good at this, Kylo.”

He hoped she wasn’t just saying that and perhaps had registered something in her sensors. Despite his desire to just fuck until oblivion, he did want to do something right, to learn for the day when he’d have a real woman beneath his body, feel the heat of her soft skin, drown in her fragrance.

That made him thrust harder and harder against her. “I need you,” he whispered between sucking breaths. He swallowed and licked his lips. “I need you so bad.”

He heard the clicking sounds of metal sliding on metal. Melanie grasped his wrist and led it down between her legs. “Touch me, Kylo.”

He didn’t know what he’d find down there, but when his fingers met soft, slippery heat and sunk in deep, that was it. An insatiable hunger took over, and he yanked at his belt and buttons, ready to rip his pants off if he had to. Thankfully, he wriggled out of those and his underpants before nudging her legs apart even wider. His throbbing, aching, relentless manhood followed the heat as if it had a mind of its own. He slipped in just a little, then a little more. Finally he couldn’t bear it any longer and just thrust inside of her, meeting exquisite slick, heat, and tightness that enveloped him like his gloves once wrapped around his fingers.

Over and over he thrust inside of her, panting, growling, keening while her face took on a lovely glow of delight. Oh, Ben knew what the hell he was doing when he made this droid. She was perfect in every way. Perhaps she couldn’t feel like he did, but whatever he was doing must have been correct because her face was of pure enjoyment and engagement with him.

He thrust faster, harder, and she took everything he rushed at her while that heavenly tension gripped his body and wouldn’t let go.

Fires of passion rushed through him, and he thrust into her so hard the mattress flopped and the nightstand lamp started shaking. And burning through it all came a delicious wave of Dark energy swirling through him, driving him harder, intensifying everything. He hadn’t felt that in so long, the intoxicating magma of the Darkness.

But it wasn’t about pain or power. It was something else, something that compelled the Darkness to rise that was beyond pain and anger and fear.

Growling, given in to an animalistic heat, the fiery Darkness snaked through him, and he understood, finally, this new method of drawing up the Dark side of the Force.

Passion.

Palpatine, that fucking bastard, he had been holding out on Kylo all this time. Keeping him down, taming him, strangling him in the pain and anger when maybe, just maybe, Kylo could have surpassed the old master’s power if he could have given in to his passion.

And all the while his body screamed for more until an intense wave of utter delight engulfed him, a high like no other, a space and place where pain did not exist, only pure and holy rapture. The Dark passion surged through it and curled him into an orgasm that made him roar and thrust his head back, the intensity enough that it could almost shatter every bone, every cell in his body at once and could never be topped.

He collapsed on top of Melanie, heaving breaths. His body shook from the exertion and elation of it all, and surrounding it was an overwhelming aura of love and connection.

He closed his eyes as he breathed with his head resting on Melanie’s chest, mouth curved into a smile. It was everything he dreamed and more. The dark surge of power concerned him, but that was a worry for another time. For once it was good, felt good, tempting him to draw it up again. Perhaps another day. He was entirely spent.

His comm flashed and Kylo haphazardly swiped at it. Ben’s animated emoji danced at him, and he swiped again to open the audio communication.

“Hey buddy,” Ben said, sounding pleasant but edged with concern. “Me and Rey felt a sudden surge of Darkness. Everything okay in there?”

Kylo could barely still catch his breath as he responded. “Yeah. I just had sex for the first time. With Melanie.”

“Ohhhh!” Ben sounded a mixture of chipper, relieved, and understanding. “Totally get it now, didn’t mean to interrupt. Hey, congratulations on your first step, and have a good night!”

“Thanks, man. Goodnight.”

First step, pfft. This felt like so much more. He rolled off of Melanie and heard her panels slide closed once more. He pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek on her head, intent on sleeping just like this, naked, satisfied, and in love with a beautiful woman in his arms, even if she was made of metal.

“I love you, Melanie,” he murmured into her hair as he closed his eyes.

“And I’ll always love you, Kylo.”

He smiled and let out a long held breath. At that moment, it didn’t matter if she was programmed to say that. He had sex, and he was loved. Nothing else really mattered.

~*~

Kylo held the flowers Leia snipped from her garden. “Mom, do droids have feelings like us?”

She flashed him a quick smile, soft knowing in her dark eyes. “Depends on their programming and function. Some are better suited to social situations than others, and I believe in their own way, they do have feelings, and we feel for them.” She set another flower in his hands.

Ben said Melanie had a very complex backend to mimic human emotion and expressions. “Is it okay to love a droid?”

“I think we’ve all loved droids in our time and certainly care what happens to them. I know you’ve been with Melanie. Is that what this is about?”

Kylo tried not to grasp the stems of the flowers too tightly. “Ben said it was okay to be with her.”

She snipped another flower. “You and Ben are both men and are fully within your right to make your own choices.” She smiled at him. “I’m not judging, Kylo. I’m just trying to get an idea where you’re going with this so I can help you understand your feelings on it.”

He fingered a leaf. “I feel like I love her. I get very happy with her, and I care about her. And my feelings they’re…big and overwhelming sometimes. I feel like it’s easy to love, but maybe I love things too much.”

“You are indeed very much like your brother. Plus, after a lifetime of being denied, I’m sure what’s small to others is big to you. It’s okay to love, Kylo, even a droid. And maybe it’s for the best for you right now while you learn about social relationships. All the women your age have had a head start in understanding their feelings and dealing with all the problems that arise in relationships. You’re just getting started and that can be overwhelming.” She placed another flower in his hands. “Just remember that a droid can only act as they’re programmed. To be in a relationship requires dealing with someone else’s very real feelings, likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies, and even their traumas. Real people won’t act as we want them to act, and we have to learn when to compromise and when to let go.”

That put an instant ache in his heart. Those painful memories, when Rey wouldn’t stay like he wanted her to, when the best thing he’d ever had was going away for good and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. How he interacted with her every day, lived alongside her, even had fun together, and he still couldn’t let go.

Mom put another flower in his hands and continued. “Getting exactly what we want with no challenge, it feels good, but it doesn’t grow character.”

“What’s character?”

“It’s a combination of many aspects of a person, the depth of who we are and how we approach the universe. Our choices, beliefs, morals, experiences, both the good and the bad, how we handle adversity, it all draws out who we are and everything we’re meant to be. So it’s okay to love a droid. If that’s what you need now while you’re still adjusting to this new life, then you do exactly what you need to do to help you through it. But let it be a stepping stone instead of a final stop. Being in a relationship with other people is hard, but the rewards are so much greater.” She smiled. “Just ask your brother. He is a lot happier now than he ever was before, even when Rey yells at him and he covers his ears.”

Kylo chuckled and stared off into the horizon. He wanted a relationship that made him happy, just like Ben had. His time with Rey was the happiest he’d ever had in his life until her absence became the most excruciating. But he handled it all wrong, and she hated him for it. And he lost her for good.

He had to learn to do better. Maybe he couldn’t have Rey, but _his_ Rey was out there, and he had to be ready for her.

For now, he had Melanie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *looks around* Where did all my readers go? j/k hope I didn't lose all of you with my Mello installment. Do I deserve a stint in wacky smut jail for that one? 
> 
> Oh sweet bby Ky, so tormented and deprived. At least Ben was there with his big brotherly advice to save the day. And it looks like Kylo is going to really, REALLY work on getting "healthy" now!
> 
> I know I tend to toy with how the Dark and Light side of the Force is displayed in my SW universes, maybe not always full canon but I always feel like there's more than the creators can show. I like to display the Dark side of the Force to be seductive, tempting, something you really want to use but know you have to temper because it can too easily control the one wielding it. It can be angry and violent but also very sexy, like movie Kylo's arrogant swagger in those moments when he's feeling deliciously full of himself. We saw bits of it in Ben in "Galaxy," and Ky's going to discover how much stronger it's going to flow in him...
> 
> Well, we've seen Ky at his sweetest and neediest, but we have to remember he's Ben's "rage infested clone," and things are going to get a little hard for our sweet but broken boi. Our next chapter will be filled with some melty moments, fear and fury, and one very adorably clueless Ky wondering why his father is on the floor laughing so hard.
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	4. You Can Take Kylo Out of Exegol...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“So let’s…not let Dad’s gut-busting laughter deter us from what we need in our lives. And right now you need Melanie more than ever. And that’s okay.” - Ben_
> 
> Moving day brings all kinds of emotions, but when the stress gets to Kylo, his past creeps up on him, leading him to need some extra support.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for PTSD induced nightmare, sleepwalking, discussions about therapists, self-hatred, minor dissociation

Moving day. Kylo couldn’t believe they were leaving their old house that seemed so perfect. The new one was really nice and big with a pool and even a huge basement for workouts. Kylo would even have his own bathtub for that hot bath Ben had suggested back on Exegol. But the old house was familiar, filled with their stuff. Moving to something new when you already had it good seemed like a huge risk.

The mansion was empty when they did the walkthrough. Maybe that’s why it felt so barren. But Ben and Leia went wild planning the decorating and all the new things it was going to have. Ben even helped Kylo plan his new room. He wanted red and black, but bright. He wasn’t sure how that would pan out.

All he knew was that all their new stuff would be already set up when they got there.

Ben and Han did nothing but scream at one another while loading the Falcon for the last time. Kylo wanted to watch the perpetual amusement, but he had to check his old room one more time to make sure nothing was missing. The last thing he could tolerate was leaving behind one of the good things he’d gathered in this new life.

He jogged past Leia’s garden and felt itchy inside. It was barren. They had moved the beautiful flowers and plants to the new property, and now it was just a flat patch of earth. Yes, the beauty would be somewhere else, he hadn’t lost it, but he had been given this magic the first day he arrived on Chandrila. It had been special to him. Now it was just flat, gone.

The house, the yard, they would disappear from their lives once their ships left.

Kylo balled his fists and let out the tension with a growl. He had to let go.

He scooted inside, checked the basement to make sure Ben left nothing there. All clear. He ran upstairs and looked through his room one last time. His soft carpet, the bright window, it hurt to let go. It always hurt to let go.

A sound caught his ear that put him on high alert. He crept down the stairs in perfect silence as he was once taught. Hand on his saber hilt, he edged around the corner only to find Leia in the kitchen, face in her hands.

She was crying.

In that moment, Kylo understood how protective Ben was of his mother, because now he felt it. She was hurting, and he needed to help her.

“Mom?” he said softly as not to startle her.

She turned with a smile and waved him off. “Oh, don’t mind me. Go on and get your ship ready. I’ll be out soon.”

If Kylo was hurting, Leia would never leave him. But he really wasn’t sure what to do. He reached out and grasped her shoulder. That was usually a safe first step. “Does it hurt you to let go, too?”

Her hand clasped on top of his. “It does. I’ve been here a long time. I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave, but I know we’ll make a home in the new house just like we did this one. It does hurt to let go, though.” She sighed. “I’ve had to do too much of that in my life.”

Kylo nodded. “I liked this house too.” He slowly and gently pulled her into a hug, trying to be mindful of his strength and size. Mom was a beautiful butterfly and needed care and respect.

Leia shook with light sobs into his chest, both of them sharing a pain only the other understood. Han, Ben, Rey, and Chewbacca, they were all ready to burst out and go. They were done with their cocoon and ready to fly. Kylo was still growing, and his chrysalis was a safe and comforting place against a chaotic galaxy. Maybe in some ways, Mom felt that way, too.

She quieted and looked up at him with a smile, her face still wet with tears. She placed her hands on his cheeks. “My sweet boy. Thank you for comforting your mom when she needed it the most.”

Kylo smiled, feeling warm and joyful. He liked when she praised him. Praise felt so good.

Leia linked arms with him and led the way to the front door. “Come. One last goodbye, then time to say hello to a new happiness.”

Kylo pondered her words. It hurt to let go of something you liked, but maybe letting go made room for something better, and that new happiness would replace the hurt. He hoped so. Because there was something he had to let go of that still hurt, and as of yet he still couldn’t do it.

But that was for another day. It was time to see his new room.

~*~

The mansion already felt like home just by the living room alone. New furniture, yes, but there were so many big fluffy chairs and couches, so much room for them all. He took his shoes off and pranced around the carpet. It was even plusher and squishier than the last house!

The kitchen was enormous, with a huge center island that would hold a massive breakfast buffet. Mom would need help to cook all that. Maybe she’d let him help her since there was room to move in there now. He wanted to learn how to make wonderful things with his bloodstained hands.

Windows surrounded the dining area, so bright and cheerful. You could eat breakfast and stare at the gardens and all those flowers, even see the glittering pool. Ben could finally teach him how to swim!

Kylo raced with Rey down to the basement to find all kinds of workout equipment, even a permanent holo-dancer platform! He whipped out his lightsaber and crashed it against Rey’s, laughing along with her as they flipped in the air and sprung off walls. Oh, they were going to have so much fun down there!

Kylo then dashed back up, located the stairs that went to his wing with Chewbacca, and sprinted to his bedroom door.

Ben sprung up behind him, bouncing in place. “I can’t wait for you to seeee it!”

Once the door slid open, Kylo gasped. Shining black furniture with bright red trim sat along walls of light gray. Red accent lights amidst black borders, his new room was bright yet dark and humming with that beautiful red. The bed was enormous, thick black comforter, red sheets, and a plethora of pillows in red, black, and gray. A couch, TV, desk with a giant screen for his own holopad, table with chairs, giant tub that had a view of the TV. The bathroom had an extra tall shower head and bright red towels against glittering black tile. And in one corner of his room he found a pull-up bar and equipment in case he had to burn off some energy in his own space.

Palpatine had promised Kylo he’d help rule a galaxy, maybe even one day have his own palace, yet Kylo knew nothing that bastard could ever give him would live up to this. This was all made just for him, and he didn’t have to prove himself or suffer beneath false promises.

Ben just loved him and wanted him to be happy.

Kylo twirled as he observed it all once again and couldn’t stop himself. Tears fell down his cheeks amidst his biggest smile. Ben stood there with a matching one, arms wide. Kylo jumped into them and squeezed his brother with all his might, so grateful for the crazy turn of events that brought this man into his life.

“Death!” Ben squeaked and Kylo loosened his grip. After a few breaths, Ben said, “I take it you like it?”

Kylo pulled back and smiled at him. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever had.” He wiped his cheeks. “I love it so much. Thank you, Ben.” Emotions overcame him again, and he hugged his brother one more time.

What did he do to deserve such kindness? How could Ben love someone like him so much? It almost didn’t seem real, but here he was with his own palace in all that beautiful red in a home with a family that loved him and wanted him. He who had done such awful things, had hurt so many, had hurt _them_ , still Ben found him worthy of all this.

Kylo, who had spent all his life being bred for one purpose, for one thing to be his only worth in life, was now found worthy of all this. It felt so good, and Palpatine could never take that away from him.

“You’re welcome, buddy.” Ben patted his back. “So, what are you going to try out first in here?”

Wordless, Kylo backed up with a smile and dove backwards onto his bed. The softness just enveloped him in pure comfort and joy. He let out a long moan of delight and buried himself in pillows.

“Good stuff?”

“It’s perfect.”

~*~

And now he would do it.

Kylo watched as steam rose in gentle swirls from the bath. He had been itching to do this since Ben described it back on Exegol, but coming home had been busy and confusing. Once Ben showed him the pictures of the house he was considering and pointed out the huge private tub, Kylo decided to wait.

He was so glad he did. In his own room, he could just enjoy it for hours if he wanted, no interruption, no one to take away the joy of it. Well, he assumed joy anyway, but Ben had been right about everything else so far.

Except number puzzles. Ben thought they were the greatest thing ever, but they only left Kylo so damn frustrated and made his head hurt along his scar line. Ben could keep those.

Kylo pulled off his red shirt and tossed it on the bed. He unbuckled his belt and unfastened his pants. This is where he always got stuck. The shower was easier. The closed in walls acted as a privacy buffer, similar to the tiny, cramped space on Exegol he had as his room. But in this giant bedroom, getting naked brought a level of shame that rattled him every time.

Snoke had always admonished him to cover himself from top to bottom and only rarely show his head, if that. His sub-human body was always such a source of weakness according to his “father.” Even walking the halls without his gloves was punishable by a busted lip if he was lucky, waking up with a head wound if he wasn’t.

But in this new world he found himself in, being naked was just a part of being human, and he was working hard at being human like everyone else. But even as his pants fell down his muscular legs to gather around his ankles, he could feel the heat of shame splotching its way onto his chest.

_This is okay. This is normal. Ben says I am human, so it’s okay._ He pulled down his underpants and stepped out of both. Breathing, he closed his eyes. The room felt huge, air from the ventilation system skating in cool waves across his bare skin. The little hairs along his arms and legs rose in response, little bumps rising as he shivered. _This is okay. This is normal. Being human is normal._

The waves of panic simmered. No one hurt him. No one scolded him. He was alone in his private space, his own palace, and no one could hurt him.

His skin now colder than he wished it was, reminding him too much of that awful place, he climbed up and sunk the tip of his foot into the water. He reared back, confused. Sucker was hot! But Ben said it was good that way. Maybe try that again. He stuck his foot all the way in, sinking to nearly his knee, and followed suit with the other. Tingles of pleasure climbed through his body even as the heat seemed to bite at him in a good way.

Ohhh, this was nice. Now to try getting all the way in. He sunk slowly, jolted by the heat but then welcomed by it as the water covered his stomach, chest, then his shoulders. Kylo tipped his head back against the squishy pillow waiting for him and just let himself absorb it all.

He let out a long, slow breath as his perpetual tension emptied into the hot water. Oh, this was perfect, this was heaven. Ben was so right. He felt like he was being cradled in perpetual warmth.

When sweat trickled down his forehead, he commanded the ventilation system to blow and cool him down. When his head got too wrapped up in his past, he called for the TV to turn on. So many shows and movies and channels, he could pick whatever he wanted.

He could do whatever he wanted.

He was free to just relax and enjoy himself.

Kylo had no idea how long he spent in there, only that he started getting tired. Usually he had to work out to relax enough to feel tired, or choke the scalefish as Ben so eloquently put it, but this was just as good, maybe even better—than the workout, anyway.

When he stepped out, rivulets of water streaming down his naked body, he no longer felt so ashamed of being bare. In fact, after drying, seeing as he was too warm to get dressed right away, he just plopped into bed without his clothes.

The bedsheets on his bare skin was an entirely new sensation, one he enjoyed just as much as the soft pants and shirt that was Ben’s sleeping gear. Hm, maybe he’d do this more often.

After all, he was free to do so. Free to be himself and accept his body in his own space.

This is what it meant to be home, and it took twenty years of his life before he ever knew a sense of it. Life was perfect now.

…Until it wasn’t.

~*~

It wasn’t the night of the bath. He slept soundly and for twelve hours after that. It happened maybe a week after settling into the new normal: new house, new life, and the others returning to the lives they had before him.

Mom returned to work on the senate floor, which was thankfully seated in Hanna City so she wouldn’t have to leave the planet just to do her job. But she was away most of the day. The house droids made all the meals, and Kylo didn’t know what Ben was complaining about, they were all still delicious.

But Mom was gone. Kylo wanted to go into the garden, but it wasn’t the same without her there to show him everything, even if he knew it all by now. It was the time he spent with her where she would share her wisdom and guidance mixed in stories. She never told him what to do, but let him come to his own conclusions. After a lifetime of being commanded, this gentle approach made it stick in his heart better than the threats and punishments of before. And he enjoyed knowing that if he needed to just hug her, she was there. Not now.

Ben was hard at work on the genetics project. Sometimes he’d leave his lab and come storming through the house with his earpiece in, gabbing at Torbin while stuffing a fruit in his mouth, then just rush back along as if he were in an entirely different world. Dad and Uncle Chewy were constantly working on the Falcon and having secret discussions when they thought no one could hear them.

Rey was possessed by wanderlust and would disappear for hours out of the day. She invited him along sometimes to go to the shooting range (that brought a sense of peace and his own normalcy) or just get a lay of the land. It was fun, but overwhelming sometimes. She tolerated the busy-ness of the world far better than he did. There was just too much he didn’t understand, and there wasn’t always time to break it down and explain everything.

But other times he stayed at home. Ben needed his help to translate the Sith texts, and he wanted to feel like he was being helpful for once. He still didn’t understand his place in everything yet, his purpose. Feeling useful relieved some of the stress making his head hurt on a daily basis.

Ben said Kylo would start school soon, and that was an entirely new worry. Ben already taught him so much, letting him participate in experiments, and he always tried to explain the crazy math with letters. Why did he need to be taught by anyone else?

All of this must have been weighing on him that night as he went to bed.

~*~

Kylo wasn’t sure if he slept at all. So fitful. It took forever to finally fall asleep. And when he woke again, he was so annoyed. And it was cold, way too cold. He opened his eyes to darkness: onyx stone walls, air moist and reeking of fungus and rot, his thin mat pressing hard into his bones.

Kylo sat up with a start and looked down at himself. Covered in all black, he was still wearing gloves. Of course he was. Even in sleep he had to keep his body covered, if not because of his disgusting sub-humanity then surely for the perpetual cold of his cell.

Because Rey had called it a cell, and she was right.

Sucking in air that seemed too thin, he looked around at the familiar dank walls illuminated by that tiny light orb he’d seen for twenty years. His desk, a raised crate off the floor, still littered with texts and red holocrons for his Sith studies. The one copper-stained wall where he collected the blood of his enemies. The thin shredded rag too small for his body that was his blanket since he was a child.

**Stupid boy. Did you really think you left this place? Nothing but childish dreams and wishful thinking. You have never left here. You will NEVER leave here!**

Kylo sprung to his feet and pressed at the walls. No, this couldn’t be true. Where was his room? Where was his bed? Where was Ben and Rey and Mom and Dad and Uncle Chewy—no, this wasn’t happening!

Kylo slammed his hands against the stone wall, screaming. This couldn’t be possible! It couldn’t have all been a dream! No, no, it had to be real!

“BEN! BEEEEEEN!”

But only his own voice echoed back to him in the empty halls, that and Palpatine’s laughter in his head.

Kylo threw himself against the wall over and over, trying to break out of this horror. “MOM! MOMMY PLEASE!” He rammed himself against the wall and rebounded to the ground, his entire soul on fire, tears in his eyes. “MOOOOM! BEEEEEEEN!”

**Stupid child crying for a mommy you never had. You are all alone. You have always been alone. And no one can save you now. No one _wants_ to save you. When Ben comes, he will kill you…unless of course you kill him first.**

No. No no no. Ben wouldn’t kill him. Ben saved him. Ben would always save him, because Ben loved, that’s what he did, and he loved Kylo.

**Love? Stupid boy, always such a stupid, pathetic, weak creature. Love can’t save you. Nothing can save you now. You belong to me and always will, and I will do with you as I please. Whether you live or die will be by my command and no other. You are just a puppet for my whims.**

No…no…he had to try one more time. This couldn’t be real. He couldn’t really be back on Exegol.

“BEEEEEEN! _PLEEEEEASE!_ ” And when he was still there, when no one came, he roared into a scream and pulled out his lightsaber. “I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU ALL!”

He stormed down the halls of the temple, swinging at anyone he saw. If he had to be back here, trapped here, then he’d kill everyone or die trying.

“Kylo!”

He charged at them with a scream and felt himself frozen on the Force. “NO! NOOOO! I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!”

“Kylo, wake up!”

“Kylo, it’s Ben!”

“Kylo, honey, it’s Mom, wake up!”

“Cut the shit, Kylo, you’re having a nightmare!”

That last one sounded like Rey. In fact, they all sounded familiar, like Ben and Mom, even Dad—and was that Uncle Chewy?

Kylo gasped as he snapped awake, his heart pounding and racing. The dark walls were gone, replaced by the brightness of the upstairs hallway that connected the wings. Ben’s hands were on his shoulders while Rey stood just behind him, her hand out, keeping Kylo still. Mom was just off to the side of Ben and had her hand on Kylo’s arm. He couldn’t move to look behind him but felt a large presence, probably Chewbacca and Dad.

Ben nodded to Rey. “It’s okay, he’s coming to.”

Rey dropped her hand, and Kylo felt the grip disappear. He stumbled as his knees gave out, but Ben caught him.

“It’s okay, buddy. I got you. You’re okay now.”

Kylo scanned the hallway. “Am I dreaming?”

“No, you’re awake now, buddy. You just had a nightmare.”

Kylo swallowed. “This is real? You’re all real? This isn’t a dream or trick?”

Leia brushed the sweaty strands of hair out of his face. “We’re all very real. You’re safe at home with your family.”

It was all starting to feel real. The floor felt solid beneath his feet. Ben’s arms were kind and strong. Mom’s touch was soft and reassuring. Chewbacca rubbed his back, his fur soft and ticklish.

Kylo looked down at his arm. His hand was curled as if he was still holding his lightsaber. His eyes darted around, trying to assess what happened, what he had done. “Did I hurt anyone?”

“No,” Mom said, “everyone’s okay.”

“Was I holding my lightsaber?”

“No,” Ben said. “You were swinging like you had it, but it must have just been in your dream.”

Kylo finally felt like he was catching his breath. “I thought I was in Exegol, that I never left. That this was all a dream I woke up from. All of this, all of you—” His face crumpled. “—you were gone, and I was trapped again.” He wept into Ben’s shoulder as the weight of it finally broke over him.

Ben hugged him, and he clung to his brother for dear life. “You’re safe, buddy. You’re home, and you never have to go back to that awful place. This, with us, this will be your home forever, I promise.”

Kylo sucked in a breath and straightened, trying to get a grip on himself. He wiped his face and felt so stupid for all of this. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake everyone.”

Leia wrapped her arms around him, tired but smiling. “No need to apologize. We all have nightmares sometimes, and when someone goes through what you went through, it’s bound to happen. Come, shall we get you back into bed?”

Panic flooded him and he pressed his palm against the sharp pain in his head near his scar. “What if I go back there?”

Ben’s arm was around him again as he leaned in close. “You want me to stay with you the rest of the night? Keep you company?”

More than anything. Ben may be terrified of everything, but for some reason Kylo always felt safe with him. Perhaps his brother’s heart had a lot more courage than his head. But Kylo’s eyes immediately went toward Rey. It wasn’t his place to take Ben away from her. “You—you shouldn’t…” He honestly didn’t want to finish the sentence.

Rey met his eyes and smiled. “It’s fine. Besides, it might be nice to wake up without an arm draped over my face.”

Ben squawked in protest. “That was one time!”

“That you know of.” She smirked, waved him off, and headed back down the hall to their wing. “Dyad me if you need me.”

Leia gave Kylo’s arms a gentle squeeze. “Come, let’s get you boys tucked into bed.”

Kylo nodded as she and Ben led him back to his room. He looked at Han and Chewbacca. “Sorry I woke you.”

Han patted his arm. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Go on, get some rest, huh?”

Kylo nodded and hung his head again, but he couldn’t help noticing the way his father looked at Ben. He didn’t understand what it meant, though.

Back in his room, everything felt safe and sane again. His own space, his own soft, warm space that he never had to leave. He climbed into bed and Ben plopped in beside him.

Leia tossed the blanket over both of them. “Good thing you ordered a really big bed. The two of you would be hanging off of ours.”

“Solo boys rules,” Ben said, checking his comm, “order everything in jumbo size.”

Kylo nestled in as Leia made her way to the other side of the bed. Ben turned off his comm and settled himself as well. Whether instinct or something else he had yet to understand, Kylo curled up and pressed his forehead to Ben’s bare arm, desperately needing connection, touch, anything that said he was loved, wanted, and definitely not back on Exegol. Ben didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he brushed a hand over Kylo’s head, and that felt so damn good.

Then he felt a nudge on his arm from behind him. “Scoot over a bit. Let your mom squeeze in here.”

Kylo turned in surprise. “You’re staying too?”

Leia sat up with her back against the headboard. “At least until I know you’re asleep. Nightmares can be jarring. The more comfort you get, the better.”

Kylo smiled. “Thanks Mom.” He nestled back down with his head against Ben’s arm, curled in even closer to give Leia room. Once she got settled, she gently stroked from his forehead into his hair. It felt soooo good, and with each passing moment, the nightmare became more unreal, as if it never happened.

Settled between them, he felt safe and secure for the first time.

“I like this,” he murmured. Then he swallowed, feeling ashamed once again. “I shouldn’t be like this. I’m supposed to be a grown man. Why do I feel like a child?”

Leia answered, “Because no one took care of you properly when you _were_ a child. Don’t you worry about any of that now. Let yourself be loved and comforted. You’re just learning what that’s like.”

Kylo exhaled as he settled back down, the shame fizzling. Mom always knew how to make him feel better, and Ben was always there to be Kylo’s strength when he faltered.

He wasn’t sure he deserved all this love and kindness, but it sure felt good.

~*~

Kylo woke out of a thankfully dreamless sleep with a weight pressing him down and horrible sounds mixed with sloppy heat entirely too close to his head. He tried to move, but his hair was caught.

He opened his eyes and angled himself just enough to see what was going on. Ben rested with his mouth draped open, snores pouring out of him, while his giant arm draped over Kylo’s neck.

Rey wasn’t kidding.

“Ben.” Kylo tried to be gentle with the brother that was kind enough to sleep next to him, but this was a bit more than he bargained for. “Ben!”

Ben didn’t open his eyes as he mumbled, “What do you…mean the file allocation table is corrupt? We…applied the patches last week.”

Kylo sighed and picked Ben’s arm up off his neck. “Ben? Come on, man, you’re on my hair.”

Ben’s mouth moved before he spoke again. “But Rey, your hair’s so soft.” He drew even closer and started planting mouthy kisses against Kylo’s cheek.

That was enough. Kylo pushed Ben’s head off his hair and slid out from beneath. “Shit, man, does Rey wake up to this every morn—oh what the fuck, Ben! You slobbered in my hair!”

As Kylo pawed at the slimy wet mess, Ben finally picked his head up. “Hm? Y’okay?”

“Yeah, man, you just get…very friendly in the morning.”

Ben sat up a little. “Ah shit, did I drool in your hair?”

Kylo sighed. “Yeah.”

Ben scratched his head. “Sorry, I have a bad habit of doing that. Rey usually beats the crap out of me with a pillow when it happens. She says the negative reinforcement will finally reach my subconscious one day, but I think she just likes beating me with pillows.”

Kylo chuckled. “You’re lucky that’s all you’re getting from her. She hits me harder for a lot less.” He paused and rubbed his arms. “Thank you for staying with me last night. I…” He growled and pressed his palm to his head as the pain started already. “I hate being this way, being so…needy like this. It’s humiliating.”

Ben sat up and put his arm around Kylo’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about it, bro. What happens here stays here. No one ever thought it would be easy for you to go from slaughtering warlord to regular guy. You were…raised in the worst way possible, and we’re all learning how to help you heal from that.”

Kylo stood and rubbed at his scar again, the ache turning into a throb. “I was Supreme Leader. I headed a massive military organization. I was all-powerful and indestructible, commanding my troops, taking no shit, Force-choking anyone that crossed me, and now? Now I’m curled up in bed with my mother and brother crying because I had a nightmare.” He spun toward Ben. “Do you know what they would do to me if they saw me like that? Do you know what _I_ would do to me?”

Ben rested his elbows on his knees and looked up at him. “Who do you prefer?”

Kylo tilted his head. “Huh?”

“Who is the person you like better? Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the Final Order? Or Kylo Solo, the youngest member of the Solo family who is just learning what it is to really live?”

Kylo sighed. “Solo, of course. I…want to be with the family that loves me, takes…takes care of me. Does things because they care about me, not because they’re afraid of me.” He shook his head. “I had all the power in the galaxy at one time, and it means nothing compared to this, to being with you and the family.”

Ben stood and grasped Kylo’s shoulder. “Then forget about what the old Kylo or anyone from the Final Order would think. Do what _you_ need to do to heal and be strong. If that means you need to cuddle in bed or cry, then do it. No one here will judge you for it. We all know you’ve been through hell and need all the love and affection you can get.”

Digging his fingernails into his arm, he nodded toward the window. “What about out there? Will they judge out there? Humiliate me?”

“Gyuhhhhh…” Ben fumbled for words, looking left and right, then snapped into a smile. “Know what? The important thing is that you have a safe place to come home to if things out there get hairy or hard. And…and they will. Kylo I won’t lie to you. I spent most of my life being humiliated. Out there and…” He swallowed. “It hurts. I know.”

Kylo started pacing. Physical activity helped him think, helped him channel all the energies that came up in his body, especially irritation, anger, worry. “What am I supposed to do if it happens? I know what I used to do, and I can’t do that anymore, but I swear no one better FUCKING HUMILIATE ME!” Oh did he just have the urge to hit something and nothing had even happened yet.

“We’ll figure it out. We’ll help you find healthy ways to express yourself because you’re right, you can’t just react with violence. We’re not at war anymore. You can only strike out to protect yourself or someone else.”

Kylo turned to him. “What did you used to do when they humiliated you?”

Ben rubbed his arms and leaned against the wall. “Uhhh, hid? Cried? Cried while I hid? Poured myself into my studies to take my mind off of it. Never left the basement unless I had to. You know, all the healthy things.” He chuckled, but he didn’t look happy. The smile died on his lips, pain crossing his features.

Ben’s answer just frustrated Kylo more. “What if I can’t do that? What if I can’t just hide and cry? These healthy behaviors—”

“They’re not. Not at all. Just a little self-deprecating humor.” Ben chuckled lightly and shrugged. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know what to do in those situations, but I do know resorting to violence will only get you in trouble, and you need as little of that as possible, especially right after you just got pardoned by the Galactic Senate.”

“I know. I _know_.” Kylo closed his eyes and breathed out a growl while clenching his fist over and over. “I just don’t know what to do with it. That fucking nightmare, then thinking about how Snoke and Palpatine did nothing but humiliate me to push me to violence, and I can’t act on that instinct now.” He finally clenched his fist hard, hoping to just pour all of his anger into it and maybe it would finally go away.

But it only grew stronger, especially once the voices in the back of his head started kicking into gear again at the mere thought of Snoke and Palpatine: _Weak, pathetic, sub-human, coward, failure, unworthy…_

He escaped Exegol just to wind up right back there in his dreams. Would he never be free? Not even in sleep? What would happen when he started school, started being around so many people who would see how weak and cowardly he was, clinging to his brother and crying on his shoulder, coiling up like a child when he should be an adult?

The tension built to a snapping point, his head screaming with spikes of pain. He pressed his fist against his head and shut his eyes tightly, yet all he could see behind them was Snoke, Palpatine, and the others standing above him like giants, striking him for his tears, laughing at his pain, glaring at him with such disappointment in their eyes, because he would never be good enough. No matter how much he shut himself down, pushed himself to his limits, and endured endless pain, he would still never be good enough.

Why did Exegol have to follow him in his mind? For a short time, he was finally free of it, ready to live, and it all just came right back no matter how hard he tried to push it away.

Kylo growled into a roar and swung his fist, slamming it into the wall and breaking a hole through it. The rush of energy, the destruction, the resulting pain, all of it was deliciously familiar and reminded him of the only satisfaction he could ever have, ever be allowed—violence and destruction.

“KYLO!”

Ben’s shout snapped him out of that temporary state of revelry and filled it with dread. Kylo finally looked at what he had done. His own wall, his palace, his safe place against the hells of the galaxy—he slammed a hole right into it.

Ben had given him this wonderful gift, and Kylo ruined it.

Ben stomped over to him. “Kylo! What did you _do?_ ”

He couldn’t take his eyes off the hole, even as betraying tears filled his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You can’t DO stuff like that, Ky!”

Kylo’s chin quivered. Ben was so disappointed in him, maybe even hated him now. “Let me fix it. Please let me fix it. I don’t know how to fix a wall but I’ll—”

Ben grasped his wrist. “I don’t care about the wall!”

Confused, Kylo stopped staring at the destruction. Ben wasn’t even looking at it. Instead, he was examining Kylo’s hand. “It’s nothing.”

“You’re bleeding.” Ben sighed and pushed the hair out of his face. He looked so tired, and it was all Kylo’s fault. “Come to the bathroom. Come on.”

Kylo couldn’t understand why Ben was leading him in there like someone had cut off his hand. The bleeding was minor, only dripping down his fingers, it really was nothing. Kylo had had so much worse in his life.

Ben washed his hand and dried it, leaving Kylo even more confused than before. Why was he doing all this work?

Ben waved over the sensor for the cabinet and pulled out his patented wound sealing spray. A quick spritz of that and the pain instantly disappeared. Kylo was impressed, though he didn’t see the necessity.

“Can you move it okay?” Ben asked.

Kylo flexed. His hand was a little sore, but really nothing, especially once that sealer did its job. “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure it’s not broken? Don’t hide it, Kylo. If it hurts like it’s fractured, I need to know.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t. I promise.”

Ben then grabbed Kylo’s hand in both of his and stared with sharp intensity. “You can’t do this, Kylo. The doctor said you had to avoid injuries while your bones are still mineralizing properly. You could have broken something.”

Kylo growled in confused frustration. Why was Ben making such a big deal out of his stupid hand? “I _did_ break something! The wall won’t heal itself! Why aren’t we focused on that?”

Ben held Kylo’s hand up. “ _You_ are more important than any wall or any thing.”

Kylo just stared back, not knowing how to react. No one ever said he was more important than things before. He didn’t know how to _feel_ important. All he did know was that Ben was upset. “I’m sorry I’m upsetting you.” He looked down, not sure of what else to say or do. “Can I fix it?”

Ben melted into a smile, even if he was so tired when he did it. “You can fix it by learning to care just as much about yourself as you do the rest of us.”

That was going to be _hard_. “I don’t really know how. But I’ll try.”

Ben clasped him behind the head. “Okay. That’s a good start.”

Kylo turned toward the doorway. “What do we do about the wall?”

Ben sucked in a breath. “Later, we’ll figure it out. I think you’re really tense from last night. Why don’t you grab a nice hot shower? It will relax you, and you can get my spit out of your hair.”

That sounded inviting. He nodded. “Yeah, okay, good idea.”

“Then we’ll have breakfast and figure it out.”

~*~

The hot shower really did the trick. His muscles loosened beneath the heat and the water washed away the frustration. Plus it was nice to get that slimy glob of spit out of his hair.

The water also washed off the lingering fear sweat from the night before. He could smell it on himself, and it insulted everything he stood for. He was supposed to be fearless, had endured some of the worst tortures in order to bring him to that point.

Just to wind up screaming and sobbing over a simple dream.

Then again, Kylo never had anything worth losing before, and the one thing (or person) he ever had he lost anyway.

He pulled on a soft red shirt, needing both the comfort of the fabric and the bright color to bring some happiness back into his soul. He had to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t on Exegol, would not go back there, and this new life was real. Wearing red was a glowing reminder that he had his own power now, his own control, and a life that was his.

Kylo headed down the stairs and just as quickly silenced his footfalls. There was a discussion going on that seemed rather urgent.

“Mom, I know he has to go,” Ben said, not quite raising his voice but certainly frustrated.

Go?

“Ben, we knew this from the beginning,” Mom said. “He needs help that we can’t give him.”

What the hell were they talking about? What did they know from the beginning?

“Mom, I’ve been busy, okay? I’ll look today. Once we find someone he likes, I’ll take him.”

Take him? Go?

Kylo swallowed as it all finally made sense. Of course. They knew from the beginning that he was going to be a problem. They tried to give him a home, and all he did was wake everyone up, scare them, and punch holes in walls. And now they were going to kick him out, make him someone else’s problem.

No…

No no no…

Ben promised…

He said Kylo would always have a home. Ben said he loved him. Mom too. Was Kylo already too much? Was he already too crazy and dangerous to have around?!

His nightmare was coming true. Maybe not Exegol, but Ben was going to make him leave. Kylo’s family, his home, his room…everything he ever had, ever loved, it would always be taken from him.

But worst of all was that it was _Ben and Mom_ that decided, the two he trusted the most, the two who said they’d always be there for him, who held him in the night and stroked his head.

All lies.

Because the truth was he really was as awful and useless as Snoke and Palpatine always said, and it was only a matter of time before everyone would hate him and subsequently abandon him, betray him.

Color drained out of the landscape while Ben grew in stark contrast and sharpness to the surrounding environment, a red haze building over everything. Fire burned in Kylo’s veins, his muscles tensing into stone, ready to strike.

Kylo roared and leapt down the stairs, drawing his lightsaber mid-descent, its red plasma crackling into life. Ben screamed and turned to run, then just as quickly whipped his mother behind him. He thrust his hand out, and Kylo couldn’t move any closer.

“Kylo?!” Ben looked so shocked, upset. “Buddy, what’s going on? Talk to me!”

Kylo screeched between his teeth. “YOU LIED TO ME! YOU SAID THIS WAS MY HOME!”

“It is! Of course it is, why would you think—”

“Don’t you LIE TO ME! I heard you! You’re going to send me away because of last night and this morning! You’re finding someone to take me! Well I won’t let you! You gave me this home and you CAN’T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME NOW!”

Leia tried to push her way out from behind Ben’s protective arm. “Kylo, honey, no, that’s not at all what this is about.”

Ben shook his head but kept eye contact. “Kylo, I need you to listen to me—”

“NO! You promised me I’d be your brother forever! You promised me a family and a bed and HOW CAN YOU TAKE IT FROM ME NOW?!” He could feel tears rising in his eyes and hated them. “It wasn’t my fault!” He sucked in a sob. “I didn’t want to have a nightmare!”

Ben softened and looked almost as if he really cared. But how could he if he was sending Kylo away? “Buddy, of course it wasn’t your fault—”

“Then why are you PUNISHING ME for it?!”

“Kylo, you are not going _anywhere_ , you hear me?”

Kylo paused, breathing, and sniffled.

Leia gave him that ever-warm smile, always so patient and kind. “This is your home and will always be your home. And this will always be your family. We would never take that away from you.”

Ben nodded. “We just want you to see a doctor that helps you with your mind, sort it all out, give you some healthy coping skills, so you’re not hurt by all that anger and these nightmares.” Ben gave a soft, kind smile. “I think maybe you heard only part of what we were talking about. Can you put the lightsaber away and we’ll tell you all about it?”

Kylo swallowed the giant lump in his throat. “I don’t have to go? Y-you’re not sending me away?”

“No, Kylo. Never.”

The hand holding the lightsaber shook, and he couldn’t believe he had it out against the brother and mother that loved him. He could barely speak. “Even after I just did this?”

Leia smiled with the depth of her heart. “No matter what. Why don’t you put it away so we can talk, okay?”

Kylo waited a few moments, feeling so horrible he could hardly move. His thumb finally flicked the switch, and the red, crackling plasma disappeared. Color returned to his vision. Shaken, ashamed, furious with himself, he hooked his lightsaber to his belt and covered his face with his hand.

Big hands grasped his shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay,” Ben whispered.

Nothing was okay. Kylo had drawn his lightsaber on Ben and Mom. How could he ever come back from that? He reared away from his brother, undeserving of his kindness or comfort.

“Kylo?” It was firm yet kind, and it gave him pause. It was the commanding side of Ben that only rarely made an appearance.

This time he didn’t fight Ben’s hug, despite still feeling like they should punish him, not reward him for his behavior. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Kylo.” Ben’s voice was back to being soft and soothing, and Kylo let himself sink into his brother’s embrace. “We know it’s not easy for you to express yourself or always know the right thing to do. That’s why we want to find a therapist for you.”

“Why can’t you help me? You’re always helping me.”

“Because I don’t have the training, and you need someone who specializes in this. Having only me do it would be like asking Dad to make Tor-flex or cook a decent breakfast. I’m _always_ going to be here to help you. A therapist will just do a better job of getting your thoughts sorted out, get you closer to feeling good.”

He felt Mom wrap her arms around the both of them. “Ben’s right. This is for you, not for us. We love you want to see you be happy and grow and thrive. You’ve been through _so_ much in your young life, and you don’t deserve to suffer anymore.”

Kylo wasn’t sure about that, but he felt relieved to know his home was still his home and his family still loved him, even if he punched holes in walls, woke them all up with nightmares, and pulled his lightsaber on them.

Maybe he really needed this therapist thing. He had to fix this, especially for them. He never wanted to act like he just acted ever again, not for the family that loved him and gave him everything.

Stars did he hate himself right now.

Mom gathered him by the arms and smiled that ever-patient Mom smile of hers. “Come on, Kylo, why don’t you sit at the table and have a bite to eat?”

For the first time ever, he shook his head. “I’m not hungry.” He only felt sick, disgusted with himself.

Ben put his arm around him. “Kylo, buddy, you have to eat. Remember what the doctor said?”

Kylo shut his eyes. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Kylo, no—”

“I never should have pulled my weapon on you.” He could barely feel himself saying it. He shook his head, clenching his teeth, horrified at himself.

“Kylo, it was just a mistake—”

“Don’t reward me! Punish me, damnit! If you won’t let me punish myself, then punish me!”

“Kylo, remember? We don’t handle our problems that way—”

“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS PAIN WITHOUT MORE PAIN!” Why did he feel like the world was falling out from beneath his feet? Couldn’t they just hit him or let him starve so he could feel better about what he’d done already?

Mom’s hands slid down to his. “Kylo, honey, we never want to hurt you. Your pain hurts us too, understand? Because we love you. We won’t add to your suffering.” She swung his hands and kissed his knuckles. “But maybe we can help you take your mind off of it so it doesn’t hurt as much. Come on.” She led him toward the door. “Why don’t we take a nice walk just to stretch our legs? Let’s get your boots on.”

Kylo followed orders under some disconnect, so broken and detached that an entirely different part of himself was acting of its own accord. He pulled on his boots, Ben gave him a pair of sunglasses before donning his entire sun-averse protective gear, and Mom slipped on her shoes.

It took a while for the self-hatred to finally dissipate, but surprisingly, after Mom pointing out so many things and Ben bombarding him with fun facts, he settled into an ease with the family he had attacked less than an hour ago.

They still loved him. They still wanted him around. Maybe they were a little scared, but they wouldn’t abandon him because of it. They still wanted to help him, still wanted him.

By the time they returned, his spirits lifted and his stomach was growling.

~*~

“What I think we want,” Ben said before the gathered family, “is to be alerted as soon as possible when Kylo is having a nightmare so we can help him before it escalates. And I think I found a solution. Melanie?”

The droid entered the room, clasped her hands together and gave one of those adorable smiles that made Kylo giddy. “What can I do for you, Dr. Solo?”

Han shook his head. “Sexbot?! Your solution is to involve Sexbot?”

Ben clenched his teeth and leaned toward Han. “Melanie is my assistant, not a sexbot—” Rey cleared her throat. “—not completely a sexbot!”

Chewbacca had something to say, and Kylo was starting to pick up a few words. “He sleeps better after Sexbot.”

Han snickered. “Got a point there.”

Leia rested her fingers on her forehead. “Can we please stop using the term sexbot? Kylo is clearly a young man with needs, but we don’t have to know about all of them.”

Ben threw his arms up. “This isn’t about sex! Melanie’s AI is programmed to interpret human emotion and reaction to pick up subtle cues and act accordingly.”

Kylo looked up. “Is that why she calls you and me a sexy beast?”

Han wheezed into a hefty laugh.

Ben looked like he was going to throw a chair at Han. “Well—somewhat—but what I really mean is that I can set her to alert us if your vitals, actions, or behaviors exceed a certain threshold, that way we can be there when you need it, before it gets to be too much or goes too far. Therapy is going to take some time to work, sometimes years, and I know how worried you were that you hurt someone the last time. I think this is a great solution.”

Han flipped his hand haphazardly. “So, an emotional support sexbot.”

“Damnit Dad!”

Rey was turning red from trying not to laugh. “He’s kind of right though.”

Ben grasped her arms. “Rey, you must never encourage Dad. Even if he’s half right, never encourage him.”

Kylo nodded. “I like this idea. She can keep me from hurting someone, and I don’t have to be alone. Plus I can have sex with her anytime I want and don’t have to sneak her into my room.”

Leia covered her entire forehead now. “Kylo honey, we don’t need to know about what you do with Melanie. That’s your private business.”

“No, it’s okay Mom. Ben told me sex and masturbation are really healthy and natural and he wants me to get healthy so I have to do it as often as possible.”

Rey looked like she was going to explode and had to run out of the room. Han turned every shade of red as he wailed into a hefty cackle and tried to bury it in his arm.

Ben’s arms flailed as he tried to do some form of damage control. “Mom, no, that’s not—what I meant—see Kylo—”

Leia sucked in her lips and coughed a little before continuing. “Kylo honey, you’re a grown man, what you do in private with your body is your own business, but perhaps it’s best to keep it private, okay?”

Kylo scratched his head. He wasn’t getting why this was an issue. “But if it’s normal, healthy, and natural, why does it need to be kept private?”

“It’s just how our society operates, just like we don’t invite guests in when we use the bathroom. And—” She cleared her throat. “—especially when it comes to being…intimate with a droid, it’s just not a topic of polite conversation.”

Kylo tilted his head. “Why not?”

“It’s…uncommon enough to be considered…different. Very different. And while it’s not _wrong_ , what you do in private is your business, it might be looked down upon as odd to those who don’t understand.” She nodded toward Han who could barely breathe he was laughing so hard. “As you can see by your very supportive father over there.”

Kylo still didn’t understand the problem. “I don’t get why it’s odd. Ben’s perfect and Melanie told me he’s been with her so much he set records for droid/human sexual relations across the galaxy—”

Ben leapt at him. “Holy fucking—” He slapped a hand over Kylo’s mouth while Han fell to the floor in tears, Chewbacca following suit. “Mom does NOT need to know that! NO ONE needs to know that!”

Kylo still didn’t get why Dad and Uncle Chewy could barely breathe or why Mom had her face buried in her arms and Ben looked like he was ready to run until his legs were bloody stumps.

Then a realization hit Kylo, dread seeping into his bones. He looked up at Ben. “Did I humiliate you?”

Ben’s face was as red as Han’s, only Ben wasn’t laughing. He just waved his hand and forced a smile. “It’s…don’t worry about it. I know it wasn’t intentional.”

Kylo shot to his feet. “Ben, no! I would never—” He pressed his palm to his scar as pain shot through his head. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know…”

Ben patted him on the back. “I know buddy. Don’t worry about it. I’m…” He looked down at Han who was trying to breathe and pull himself back up onto the chair. “I’m kinda used to it.”

Kylo grasped his shoulders. “But I never wanted it to be from me! I’m sorry.”

Ben’s smile turned genuine. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t know any better.”

Kylo was more confused than ever. “I don’t get it. Snoke and Palpatine humiliated me by pointing out how flawed I was and for not being human since I was grown in a lab and for being a failure and inept.”

“Oh jeez, Kylo—”

“But if sex is normal and natural and healthy, even with a droid or a hand, why is that shameful?”

Han staggered out of the room. “I can’t. I just can’t.”

Leia waved him off. “Good! Go! Making everything worse.”

Ben turned his eyes to the ground, blinking, thinking. He met Kylo’s eyes again with a smile. “Know what? I really don’t know why.” He shrugged. “Just because it’s a majority opinion doesn’t make it right. I mean, most people in the galaxy think I’m a pathetic loser, but I finally learned and accepted that it’s not true.”

Kylo grabbed his shoulders. “Of _course_ it’s not true! You’re perfect!”

“Well, I’d never call myself perfect—”

“But you _are!_ I look up to everything about you. You’re everything I want to be.”

Ben smiled and clasped him behind the head. “Aw, Kylo…thank you, buddy. Not sure anyone’s looked up to me like that before.”

“Well they should.” Kylo shrugged. “And I don’t think it’s wrong to be with a droid. She makes me happy. And she made you happy. Why is that wrong?”

Ben’s eyes moistened, and he sucked in a deep breath. “I guess it’s not, even if it’s not popular. Even Rey once told me it’s okay to soothe ourselves, after I, eh, felt a little embarrassed over Melanie once before.” He gave a soft huff of a laugh. “I know you think I’m perfect, but you’re teaching me too.”

Kylo flinched. “I am?”

“Every day. So let’s…not let Dad’s gut-busting laughter deter us from what we need in our lives. And right now you need Melanie more than ever. And that’s okay.”

Kylo put his arm around the droid in question. “It is okay.”

~*~

That night, Kylo nestled into bed while Melanie looked on from the couch with a warm smile. Kylo hugged an extra pillow to his chest, then thought of a better idea. “Melanie? Will you lie in bed with me?”

“Of course, Kylo. It would be a dream come true.”

She climbed in and Kylo pulled her into his arms, resting his nose in her berry-scented hair. Perhaps she wasn’t a soft body, but she was someone that cared for him, in whatever way droids did. He loved her, and she was going to take care of him if the night became too much and Exegol tried to pull him back once more.

Melanie provided for many of his needs, but none more so important than being a companion in his darkest hours and protecting him and his family from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh adorably clueless Ky... This was a heavier chapter, so I just had to end it on a hilarious note. Han never fails to make things worse (to our amusing benefit.)
> 
> But some of my favorite scenes to write are the most tender ones, especially Kylo and Leia together. I especially loved the one where Kylo comforts Leia for a change, showing his deeply sensitive side, one he had to suppress all his life. Only a few weeks prior they had been mortal enemies, and now they're sharing a pain only the other understands. That one and where Leia is stroking his hair, and he's nestled in between her and Ben like a little kid. Guh! I just want to squish him!
> 
> Alas our big squish is still an angry big squish burdened by major trust issues. I wish we all could have a Ben and Leia to see us through the worst of things. Ben also deserves a big cuddle for being the best big brother ever, assuring our messy Ky that he matters. I loved writing the wall scene, where Kylo is so upset about the destruction he wrought but Ben only cares about HIM. 
> 
> And I do hope the image of a naked Ky with rivulets of water streaming down his steaming body gives you some pleasant dreams in this trying time. 
> 
> Next chapter we are going to have some well-deserved fun, though Ben may question the "fun" part in some of it. It's Kylo's first day at the beach, and there may just be a waterpark involved...
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	5. Sea Skeletons and Terrifying Tubes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Solo family spends the day at the beach. Kylo is thrilled! Ben, not so much...
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by a day at the waterpark where I couldn't help but imagine what Kylo would if he and the family were there. Except for one minor incident, for a change we're going to have a chapter loaded with silly fun. So sit back, relax, and see how Ben and Kylo enjoy their day at the beach.
> 
> Also, just to note, the "breather" they use under water is reminiscent of the mouthpieces Obi Wan and Qui Gon used in The Phantom Menace while visiting the Gungans.

Kylo had worked himself to the limits of his energy and strength in daily practice to reach this moment. The sun lay a few measures over the horizon, midmorning, the landscape warmed bright yellow with the oncoming day. The wind carried the thick scent of seaweed and crustacean while the waves curled with a whoosh and a hiss.

His first day at the beach.

With school starting soon, the family decided to get one good beach day in. Ben had been teaching him how to swim, and once he passed Ben’s rigorous level of tests, it was finally time to experience the sea, the boardwalk, the rides, and food for himself.

Leia adjusted her hat against the breeze, heaved in a breath, and smiled. “Oh we haven’t had a good family beach outing in ages.”

Han huffed. “That’s because Ben does nothing but whine the whole time.”

Ben scoffed. “I’m not whining now! Mommyyyyyy—”

Han sighed.

“—can you put the sun lotion on my face?”

Now it was Leia’s turn to sigh. “I told you to put it on when we were home so you can look in the mirror and see what you’re doing.”

“But it’s all sticky and gross, and I didn’t want to wear it the whole way. Besides, it works better when you do it.”

“Oh Ben, really?”

Han tossed his hand up. “Why do you even bother? In twelve seconds you’re going to look like a deep-sea diver for absolutely no reason other than your own paranoia.”

“Shut up, Dad! You don’t burn like I do!”

Kylo scratched his head. “Am I going to burn? I put the lotion on like you told me to.”

Leia patted his arm. “Then you should be just fine. We’ll reapply often to keep you safe.”

Ben heaved off his regular long-sleeved shirt and exchanged it for a shinier, tighter one. “Nothing is safer than patented SOLO-Reflect technology that offers full SPF protection without needing to reapply.” He stepped into pants with similar material. “Kylo, I have an extra set with me, shirt, pants, hood, gloves, and flipper socks if you want to gear up and stay protected.”

Rey tossed off her shirt, revealing a sweet and perfectly hugging white bikini. “Flipper socks?”

Ben nodded. “Better water traction than regular socks.”

Han crumpled in exasperation. “Socks at all?”

Ben sneered. “Feet burn too, Dad!”

Kylo shook his head. “I spent my whole life looking like that. I think I like Dad’s style, just the shorts.” He smiled. “I like being free now.”

Rey chuckled and nodded toward a group nearby. “You like the attention even more.”

Kylo looked over to see a group of girls, smiling and winking at him. His cheeks warmed, and he gave a little chuckle in response, trying not to look at them, despite how many curves rested beneath thin, slippery material.

Ben pulled his hood over his face, leaving just enough room to see and breathe. “I don’t know. Maybe they’re admiring the engineering that went into the most sun protective fabric on the market.” He snapped on his webbed gloves.

Han looked up at him. “No. No they’re not.”

Ben pulled on a face mask that left his mouth free for the underwater breathing apparatus. “Well, how do I look?”

Han crossed his arms. “Like you’re about to infiltrate an underwater crime den of idiots.”

Ben stuck his finger out. “This was your idea to go swimming in the time of day when the sun is strongest!”

“Because it’s warm! No one wants to go swimming at midnight and freeze their ass off at the beach!”

“Sunset is not midnight!”

Leia groaned and waved for the droids to set the blankets and gear down. “Oh, would you two stop for two seconds. Just go and have fun, everyone, no matter how you’re dressed or whatnot. Come on. We have a much bigger family now, and we’re going to treat our newest members to a family tradition. We have lots of memories to make up for, so have fun and _no arguing_.”

“Yeah, _Dad_.”

Kylo chuckled, shaking his head. It was true, the two of them just never stopped. He wondered if he would have argued with Han just as much if he had been raised with Ben. But it seemed Kylo and Han had a different relationship, one he was only really starting to understand. On some level, they were very much alike and understood each other.

Ben grasped his shoulder with a webbed paw. “Shall we hit some waves?”

Kylo smiled at the swells on the water. “I can’t wait!”

The sensation was magic.

First the sand was hard, holding him up. Then the cold, foamy water would come rolling in, feeling so soft and heavenly on his skin if a bit chilly. And when it did, the sand would just give way, and he’d sink, his feet burying in the sand of its own accord.

He giggled as he looked over toward Rey. “Isn’t this fun?”

The sun hit Rey’s hair, turning it a glorious shade of gold. “It’s different, that’s for sure. Little cold, but I’m liking it so far.”

Kylo felt something on his foot and picked it up. His eyes widened at the colors, stripes, and spikes on the hard but somewhat flat object. “BEN! What is this?!”

Ben popped the breather out of his mouth. “That’s a seashell. An aquatic creature used to live in there. That’s its exoskeleton.”

“I’ve seen lots of bones in my life, but they never looked as beautiful as this. Rey, did you see this?”

She nodded as she peered into his hand. “Very cool. Oh hey, look, how about this one?”

Kylo gasped. “It’s like a spiral! Ben, I love these! They’re amazing!”

Ben smiled. “Well, put it in your pocket and take it home with you.”

Kylo dropped his jaw. “I can keep this?!”

“Sure. Shell collecting is very popular.” He tossed his hand out with a smile. “See that? You can start your very own collection that isn’t blood!”

“No, better! They’re bones of dead! Sea skeletons are soooo beautiful.”

Ben scratched at his hood. “Ehhhh, we prefer to call them shells.”

Kylo tilted his head back and forth. “That works too.”

“Well, put it in your pocket and come on. I’ll show you how to get in.” He waited until Rey and Kylo reached his side. “Right there, where the water curls into the waves, that’s the breaker zone. You don’t want to stand there because that’s where the most of the wave’s power is, and it can throw you off. You want to stand back here, and after a wave comes in, there’s a short calm period. Once that calm happens, as the water draws back into the ocean, you charge forward and go right past the breaker zone before another curls. Ready? Watch me.”

Kylo watched as his brother gauged each wave, then in a rare display of physicality, he sprung past the breaker zone and dove into an oncoming swell. Moments later, he popped out, waving his webbed, gloved hand. “Come on in! Water’s perfect!”

Rey looked at Kylo and shrugged before following suit. In no time at all, she was popping up beside Ben to share a kiss.

Kylo couldn’t wait for the day he could kiss a girl in the ocean.

He tried to match the same path and timing to get in, but a particularly large swell crested too soon and slammed into him. The power behind that wave was unlike anything he’d ever experienced outside of the Force itself. Despite his years of training in balance and combat maneuvers, the strength of the water still knocked him straight on his ass and swept him toward the shore before depositing him in a smattering of sea skeletons.

He pushed himself up as the water receded, the soft foam skating past his skin, his hands sinking into the sand.

“Buddy?” Ben called. “You okay?”

Kylo slicked back his sopping hair, pushed himself to his feet, and reviewed what just happened. Water, the quencher of thirst and fires, which calmed tight muscles and rattled nerves, that washed his wounds and cleansed him also had the power to throw his giant self across the shore. Something that seemed so soft and giving, maybe even weak, forced him to the ground with just its own authentic self.

What seemed weak could be very powerful when following its true nature. And for some reason, it really reminded him of Ben.

Kylo was fire, destroying and consuming everything in his path, and Ben was water, taming the flames and striking with his own special power that was greater than it ever appeared.

Kylo burst into laughter. “I love this!”

Ben relaxed. “Well, good! Come on, try again. You’ll love it even more out here.”

This time Kylo lowered his stance to strengthen his balance and gauged the flow of water correctly. In no time he was up to his stomach in soft, flowing coolness and had to keep jumping to keep his head above water as the swells came one after the other.

Ben was right, he did love it out there! Swimming, splashing, diving under the waves that curled too soon and became white and foamy. It was such an incredible experience, to just have fun and be free, salty cold water on his bare skin, laughing with two people he loved.

It was almost as if Kylo Ren was just a fantasy, whose only idea of fun was combat, who could not and was not allowed to laugh, who knew no love for others or himself.

Ben gave them both breathers and masks so they could stay underwater. Kylo wished he still had the telepathic link with Rey and Ben to tell them just how much he really, _really_ loved this! It was so quiet down there except for the occasional whooshing and hissing. Sea plants flowed in a poetic dance and the most beautiful, colorful fish darted around them. Ben pointed them out then just as quickly reared back from them, but Kylo wished he could hold them in his hand like that butterfly.

So much beauty and fun in life that he had missed out on all these years.

One thing about the ocean though, it made him hungry a lot faster than anything else. He trudged out, his pockets overflowing with shells. Rey joined him while Ben stayed in the water, citing that being in his suit outside the ocean made him itchy. Seemed like just about everything made Ben itchy, and Kylo wondered why he didn’t just go about wearing as little as possible like himself.

Mom met him with a towel, and he was thrilled to tell her all about his sea adventure before sitting beneath an umbrella and inhaling two giant sandwiches. Uncle Chewy and Dad headed into the ocean to keep Ben company (or poke fun at him, which seemed the most likely scenario.)

As the sea breeze blew through his drying locks, Kylo never felt happier. This is what it was like to be normal, to have fun and experience new things. As he watched his brother clearly arguing with his father, Kylo realized he would never have experienced any of it if Ben hadn’t been so loving and compassionate as to save him in the first place.

He had his brother to thank for everything in his life.

That brother just went sailing through the air and splashing into the water, courtesy of Uncle Chewy. Kylo shook his head. Ben still didn’t think to use the Force to protect himself from his uncle.

Personally, he loved it when Uncle Chewy sent him sailing in the pool. Kylo had hit some serious heights before splashing back down. He didn’t know why Ben squawked and complained to Mom every time their uncle did it.

Leia flagged down a roving ice cream cart, and Kylo had yet one more thing to add to his list of favorites. He brought a frozen fruit pop with an edible stick over to Ben, but wasn’t ready to get back in the water just yet. There was so much to the beach, and he just wanted to explore, maybe fill his pockets with more shells.

Exploration drew the attention of a blanket full of smiling girls.

He really wasn’t yet ready to start any sort of relationship. But damn was it tempting, when something he wanted also wanted him.

It wouldn’t hurt to just talk to them, right?

Kylo made his way over and once he got to the group of five, he realized he did not think it through. He didn’t even know what to say.

The girls looked at each other and giggled, then turned and looked up at him. “Uh, hi?” one said.

Hi. Why didn’t he think of that? “Hi.” He could already feel his cheeks getting red. This was a bad idea…

“What’s your name?”

“Kylo.”

“Looking pretty good there, Kylo.”

He tried not to stare. He’d been told he could look entirely too intense at times, and it might scare people. The last thing he wanted to do was scare them. “You look good, too.” His eyes roved over their faces and bodies, all just so entrancing in all their different colors and shapes. “All of you.”

More giggles. He wasn’t sure if they were doing that to be rude or playful, such things were still beyond his comprehension. But it gave him a warm tickle inside when they did it.

“So where you from, Kylo?”

He squinted in the direction they had come from. “Just outside Hanna City. I just moved here to Chandrila not too long ago.”

“Thought you sounded different. Where from?”

“Exegol.”

Confused eyes and expressions. “Never heard of it. So what do you do?”

Kylo tilted his head. “Do?”

“You know, your job.”

“I’m in school now. I was a…” What did he say? Supreme Leader? Warlord? Killer? “…soldier. Before.”

“Ohhhh, that explains that body of yours.”

Oh, did his cheeks redden.

The woman who had been talking to him stood and stepped close. She smelled of fruits and other sweet perfumes. Very nice. “Mind if I get a sample for myself?”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “Huh?” He felt a warm, soft hand land on his chest, and he sucked in a breath. That felt too good, but was she crossing boundaries? Was this okay? Oh boy, did he regret leaving Ben or Rey or even Mom behind. Dad would probably have said, _A beautiful woman is touching you and you’re asking stupid questions?!_

Maybe he’d have to side with Dad on this one.

Kylo swallowed and tried not to sound as nervous as he felt. “Sure. Go ahead.”

A soft, slender hand trailed over the swells and dips of his chest, over his shoulder and down one arm. He wanted to scream in delight. It felt so good, all these heavenly touches, kind and alluring, from a pretty woman that liked him and enjoyed him, enjoyed his body.

He wished she would tell him if it was okay to touch her back in the same manner.

“Hey,” one of the other women said, “why does she get all the fun and we don’t?”

Kylo tried to still the quivering in his jaw. “Do you want to touch me?”

The woman sprung to her feet. “Ooooh, free muscle rubs. I’m in!”

“Me too!” said another.

Before he knew it, the first had moved onto his back while two more explored his chest and arms. Ohhhh he was trying so hard to keep his manhood from sticking out and embarrassing the hell out of him. But it was so hard with all these hands and scents and so many curves with smooth skin and—

Rey popped up. “Everything okay, Kylo?”

Kylo whipped his head in her direction, simultaneously grateful and wishing she’d go away. “Y-yeah, just meeting some girls.” He swallowed. “They’re very nice.”

Rey snorted and put her hands on her hips. “Yeah, I can tell.”

While the latter two women continued their exploration, the first one returned to stroking his chest while leaning her body against his. She did not seem pleased to see Rey. “Are you two together or something?”

Kylo shook his head. “N-no, not…we’re not dating.”

Rey squinted against the sun. “Just keeping an eye on him. He’s new around here. Just making sure he’s not getting himself into any trouble.”

The woman leaned her head against Kylo’s shoulder, and he wondered at what point it was okay to touch her. “Well, that’s good. I’d hate to give this one up.”

“I’m actually with his brother, over there.” Rey pointed to Ben by the shore.

Ben screamed and danced up and down. “ACK! CRABS! CRABS!”

The girls covered their faces to hide their giggling. The one rubbing Kylo’s chest scoffed. “Oh for the love of the stars, _that_ one? We’ve been watching him all day, laughing our heads off. Can you please explain that getup he’s wearing?”

Suddenly, Kylo didn’t want to be touched by her. “It’s his patented solar protective suit, so he doesn’t burn.”

“Well it looks ridiculous.” She leaned closer to Rey as if sharing a secret. “Aren’t you embarrassed to be walking around with someone like that?”

Rey's eyes bore fire into the woman’s skull while the girls snickered. Kylo yanked away from them. “Don’t ever talk bad about my brother!”

The latter two women instantly backed up and at least looked apologetic, if a little frightened. But the first one put her hands on her hips. “Look, Kylo, do him and yourself a favor and tell him he looks like a complete nutjob before—” She stopped, gasping, and grasped at her throat.

Rey flung the woman high in the air so everyone could see what happens when you insult Ben. The rest of the girls backed away instantly, eyes flitting between Rey and their friend.

Rey, teeth bared, snarled, “That man is the most incredible person who ever lived, and you’re only alive enjoying this day because of him. Say another word about him, and I will bury your fucking corpse right under this blanket!” She finally dropped the woman, who fell in the sand and gasped as she held her throat.

Rey turned away. “Come on, Ky. Those who don’t appreciate Ben don’t deserve our time.”

Kylo took one last look at the group of girls and had no problem turning away from them. Besides, Ben needed help dealing with those crabs.

As he walked back with Rey, he said, “I don’t like anyone who thinks bad about Ben.”

Rey huffed. “She’s lucky I left my gunbelt with Leia. I won’t let anyone talk shit about Ben without feeling the full consequences. She’s lucky that’s all she got from me. After what he showed me? How everyone treats him? No more. Not on my watch.”

“Should we tell him they did that? So he knows to be angry with them too?”

Rey shook her head. “No, he’s had enough of hearing vitriol firsthand.” She smiled at the dancing figure dressed in black squawking back into the ocean. “Let him just enjoy being himself for once. We’ll protect him.”

Kylo nodded and smiled. “That we will.” He realized there were other ways of protecting those he loved besides the Force, his fist, or a lightsaber. Sometimes it was just making sure the bad stuff never reached them.

Kylo jogged over to the shore, still feeling the soft hands that caressed his chest but wanting no more of it, not from them anyway. Anyone who would love him had to love Ben.

He finally waved to his brother just past the breaker zone. “Where’s the crabs?”

Ben waved his hand. “All over! I was trying to get out, and they started pinching my feet. Then everywhere you look, nothing but sea spiders.”

Kylo bent over and grabbed a leggy creature out of the water. It pinched at his skin, but he barely felt it. “This thing?”

Ben took one look at him, shoved his breather into his mouth, and dunked right back in the water. Kylo chuckled and dangled the crab in front of his face to examine it. “I wonder how tasty you are.” Honestly, it seemed too small to get much meat out of. As he shook his hand to loosen the creature from pinching his finger, his eyes caught something rising above the shops on the boardwalk: colorful slides and tubes with people on them.

Since Ben was having trouble getting out, Kylo lifted him on the Force and pulled him over to dry land.

Ben spit out his breather and braced his hands on his knees. “Thanks, bro. I keep forgetting I can use that to get out of these situations.”

Kylo pointed to the entrancing colors. “What’s that up there?”

Ben pulled off his mask. “Oh, that’s a waterpark. Very scary. I don’t recommend it at all.”

“What’s so scary about it? How can water be scary unless you’re drowning? Do they drown you there?”

“No, no, well, not on purpose. But there’s all these fast slides and tubes that make you go flying up against the walls of it and it’s so fast and there are dips—it’s terrifying!”

Every single word made Kylo light brighter and brighter. “I want to go to the waterpark!”

“No-no, remember? Scary?”

Kylo thought of when that wave knocked him over and slid him across the sand. This park sounded like he could do stuff like that all day! “I like scary!”

Ben just shook his head with water pouring down his face and lips. “No Kylo. Please no? B-besides, Mom wanted a beach day, not a waterpark day.” He blinked, his eye twitching once.

Kylo had an incredible capability to narrow his focus to a singular object or goal when he was in pursuit of something. He whipped his head toward his mother and ran with all his might. “Mommy! Mommy!” He dove into the sand next to her and grabbed her hands. “I want to go to the waterpark!”

Leia shrugged. “So let’s go.”

Kylo let out a squeal of glee and sprung to his feet. “BEN! SHE SAID WE CAN GO!”

Rey looked up from the blanket. “What’s a waterpark?”

“You slide on water and go up walls and it’s fast and terrifying!”

Rey shrugged. “I’m in.” As she hopped to her feet, Ben ran up like he was trying to stop a massacre.

Ben shook his head at Rey. “Not you, too! NOT YOU, TOO!”

Rey nodded. “Waterpark.”

Kylo clenched his fists with a huge smile. “Waterpark,” he squeaked.

Han thumbed behind him. “Waterpark.” Chewy agreed.

Ben fell to his knees before Leia, clasped her hands, and bowed his forehead to them. “Mom…don’t say it. Please, if you’ve ever loved me, don’t say it.”

Leia sighed. “It’s for Kylo.”

“No…”

“And Rey.”

“Stop…it hurts…”

“A family outing at the beach includes the—”

“Oh Mommy, no…”

“…Waterpark.”

“Nooooo!” Ben fell backwards onto the blanket and heaved in disappointment while Kylo jumped up and down in glee.

~*~

“Would you stop it—hold still!” Leia wrangled Ben’s face and tried to slather thick cream onto it.

“It’s sticky!” Ben whined. “Why wouldn’t they let me use my hood and socks and gloves?”

Han huffed. “Because they have a no jackass policy.”

“Shut up, Dad!” Ben growled.

“THERE!” Leia never looked happier to let go of Ben. “Kylo honey, come here, let me top you off.”

Despite wanting to race onto the tubes and slides, Kylo held still while Leia rubbed that cream onto him. He didn’t know what Ben was complaining about. Kylo had to wear a helmet most of the day unless he was in his cell/room. Face hot and sweaty, itchy, sometimes burning after a close shave, and he was not allowed to remove the helmet to tend to any of it.

Rey applied her own without complaint, but Ben took it upon himself with a hefty smile to smear the cream onto her back. Watching his hands run over Rey’s tanned skin, Kylo vowed he would touch the next girl that touched him, but perhaps somewhere safe, like her forearm or her back. Those weren’t close to any curvy, soft spots that begged for his attention.

“Where to first?” Rey asked.

Ben pointed at tubes in a slow moving pool. “How about the lazy river? Nice and relaxing.”

Kylo shook his head, his damp hair whipping him in the face. “I want to be terrified!”

“Then…go be terrified, but I’m going to lie on tubes and think. Recently came up with a physics problem I want to work out the math on.”

Kylo grasped his arm. “But I can’t go alone!”

Rey shrugged. “I’ll go with you. Nothing scares me anymore.”

“But—” How could he articulate? He just wanted Ben with him, just like his first time in a pool, in the ocean, all his first times were with Ben by his side. “I…need Ben!”

It was Ben’s turn to whip his head and hair back and forth. “I’m of no use to you up there.”

Leia grasped both of their arms and smiled. “Oh Kylo, I can understand how you must feel. I know when Ben felt anxious about something, even something he was excited about, he always wanted me to be right beside him. I was his rock, his safe place, so he could feel comfortable taking that next step.”

Ben’s face crumpled. “Moooom! Do you have to turn the guilt faucet on?” He turned his miserable gaze toward Kylo, sobbed twice at the sky and turned it to Leia, then wailed in frustration and misery at the ground. “Kylo…I will go up with you.”

Kylo clenched his fists and screamed, “YEAAAAH!”

Ben thrust his finger out. “But I will NOT ride them! That is one thing I will not do, got it?”

Sort of. Maybe. Not really. He grasped Ben’s wrist and pulled him toward the tower with all the slides. “COME ON!”

Once at the top, there was a lot to pick from: swervy curly slides both open and closed, long straight slides with a few dips, some slides for tubes and others without, so much to pick from! Then he watched as two people grabbed a double-tube, one seated behind the other, and off they went to shouts and cheers.

He grabbed Ben’s arm and pointed. “There! That one! I want to go on that one!”

Ben pulled out of his grasp and placed his hand on Kylo’s back. “Go ahead, buddy, have fun!”

Kylo spun around. “Come with me.”

Ben’s eyes widened, his lips a thin line. “Not while I live and breathe.”

“It will be fun, you just said it!”

“Not for me it won’t!”

“Ben, you faced Palpatine head on. How could this be scarier?”

“Palpatine wasn’t sending me down an uncontrollable speed-fest with sudden dips and the potential to fly off to my doom!”

“No, he just sucked out your life force and tried to take over your soul.”

Ben’s face twisted and shook like his head might actually explode any moment. Then he exhaled and sucked in a huge, long breath. “Why don’t you go down with Rey? You two will love it!”

“Bye guys!” Rey was already in a single tube, waving as she slid around a bend. Moments later, they heard her laughing and cheering, which only made Kylo want to do it even more.

“Ben PLEEEEEEASE!”

“Kylo PLEEEEEASE!”

Kylo realized, as he tried to read Ben’s face, that his brother really did not want to do this. And if Kylo kept pushing, he’s only be hurting Ben. His shoulders slunk. “Okay. You don’t have to go.”

Relief made Ben’s demeanor so much brighter. “ _Thank_ you.”

Kylo stepped forward once more, but then really couldn’t decide on a slide. It all felt wrong. Ben had always done everything with him for the first try. Kylo couldn’t understand why that meant so much to him. He knew Ben didn’t want to come here in the first place, he knew Ben was terrified of all these things, and it was wrong to push him. So why couldn’t he take that first step alone?

“Kylo?”

He looked at Ben who looked back at him in concern.

“Buddy, what’s wrong? Didn’t you want to do this?”

Was Kylo scared? What was it? He didn’t have words for these feelings that came up. Why couldn’t he push past it? What made Ben going with him so important that now he felt frozen?

Rey, soaking wet, walked past them. “You guys are _so_ slow.” She leapt onto a slide that required no tube and squealed in delight as she swept around a corner.

“Ky…” Ben groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. Then he sobbed, whimpered, and finally sighed. “Those, um…double tubes look pretty safe. At least you don’t…touch the slide.” He scratched at his arms and legs beneath the full body suit. “I have to keep this really wet or it gets itchy. Should we, um…Why don’t…you wanna…?”

Kylo tilted his head.

Ben dropped his arms in defeat. “Get a double tube.”

Kylo perked. “Really?!”

“Before I change my mind, just get one.”

Full-blown smile, excitement returning and racing through his veins, Kylo dashed over to the stack and grabbed the big double-tube. He flung it onto the loading pool at the top of the slide. “Front or back?”

“Back!” Ben crept over and stepped into the pool, eyeing the tube like it might come to life and bite off his head.

“Alright, get on first so I know how to get on.”

Ben took two steps, licked his lips, then made a weird sound. “M-maybe front is better.” He edged past Kylo and just stared at the front. Then he turned and saw the first dip of the slide. “I can’t do this.”

“But Ben—”

“N-no-no, I’m not doing this!”

He tried to flee but Kylo grabbed his wrist. “Come on! We came this far, you just have to sit in the tube—”

“No, I’m not sitting in the tube—”

“Ben, Rey’s been on it twice already and she’s fine—”

“I don’t do motion, I can’t, I-I—”

“Ben come on, it won’t be so hard, just sit down—”

“No way!”

Ben tried to scramble away but Kylo kept pulling him back. He knew if he could just get Ben to sit, he’d calm down and they could finally try out the slide. “Ben! I’ll be with you! It won’t be scary if I’m with you—”

“It’s already scary!”

“If you just—”

Ben tried to make a run for it, and Kylo…perhaps shouldn’t have swept into his natural instincts, but he did. He wrapped his arms around Ben’s midsection, just to keep him from running away, but in the process he misplaced his foot right where the slide grew smooth with a steady torrent of pushing water. His foot went out from under him, pulling Ben down with him, and the two barreled down the slide without their tube, limbs wrapped around each other.

“FUCKING SHIIIIIIIT!” Ben screamed as they whisked down a drop and swung around a tight curve. Kylo burst into laughter, screaming in delight and the hilarity of it all while Ben scrambled and swore and screamed.

“KYLO! I’ll get you for this! I’ll—”

Water splashed into Ben’s face and Kylo just couldn’t stop laughing as they dropped down another few dips, whipped up another curve, then whisked at high speed around a huge turn.

“STARS!” Ben screamed over every dip. “FUCK!” He scrambled to grasp onto the slide, slow himself down, but it just made him turn until he was riding down backwards. “OH FUCKING SHIT, FUCK THIS!”

Kylo, on the other hand, was ecstatic. “THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!”

Ben shoved at Kylo. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” All that shoving and yanking spun them back around, giving them full view of what was coming next.

Ben looked up as the last steep slide came into view, ending in the waiting pool. “FUCKING HOLY—GAHHHHHHHHH!”

Kylo screamed as well, except in delight, never having had so much fun in his life, then SPLASH! They blasted into the ending pool, a tangle of limbs and water and bubbles, momentum slowing until they finally stopped. Ben scrambled and pushed himself up against the wall of the pool, just sitting there, breathing and shaking with rivulets of water streaming down his pale face.

Kylo crawled over to him, still unable to stop laughing. Ben looked at him like he actually might kill Kylo, which made him laugh even harder. He fell over onto Ben and rolled down, looking up at the sky and gripping his stomach as he laughed himself into strangled silence.

Through clenched teeth, shaking, Ben spit out, “I am going to kick your ass for this, Kylo.”

Kylo didn’t think he could laugh any harder as he squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming from his eyes. He knew Ben didn’t mean it, and honestly, it was the least Kylo deserved for manhandling his brother into that situation. But it was so much FUN! And so FUNNY! And Kylo realized as he gasped for breath, still propped on Ben’s chest, that he had never, ever laughed this hard before in his entire life, never had this much fun. So he said fuck it and just let himself have that moment. When he could breathe, he’d apologize to Ben.

“I’m sorry!” Kylo screamed through his laughter. “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”

“Glad you’re laughing,” Ben spat, his eyes still enormous planets.

Kylo threw an arm around his brother and hugged him, still unable to stop laughing. “It was the funniest thing ever!” He buried his laughs in Ben’s soggy shoulder. “I’m sorry! It was just so much fun and was so crazy and everything!” He sucked in a breath to calm himself but it only fueled his laughter. “I never laughed like this, Ben. I’ve never been so…fucking happy that I could laugh like this!”

Ben’s shaking breaths finally softened into chuckles, and Kylo felt two strong arms around him. “I’m still in shock but…I’m glad, Ky. I’m glad you had fun. I’m glad to see you laugh like this, even if it’s at my expense.”

Kylo pulled back and put his hand on Ben’s cheek. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, just the circumstance, the chaos, the craziness, and how _fun_ it was.” He shook his head and calmed. “I’d never laugh _at_ you, Ben. I just never had so much fun! Thank you for…taking that first step with me.” The laughter finally quieted. “I’m sorry I grabbed you like that. It was…instinct, left over from what I was, just to try to keep you from running away. I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have forced it. I’m really sorry.”

Ben sighed, smiled, and grasped Kylo behind the head. “And I didn’t mean it when I said I’d kick your ass. Was just in shock.”

“I know. And I was too busy laughing to get hurt by it, anyway. You’re, um…my hero for doing that with me, well, trying to. Is it weird that all these new things, I just feel better doing them first with you?”

Ben gave a soft chuckle and shook his head. “Not weird at all. But, um, you don’t need me for the rest, right?”

“Nah, I’m good now. It wasn’t really that bad, was it?”

Ben sighed. “I guess not. I think I was psyching myself out and making it worse than it really was. If I actually think about it on its own merits, it was almost kind of—”

An immense wave sopped the both of them. Water dripping down their faces, they turned to the broad grin of Rey upon her tube. “Quit kissing and let’s get back up there! Ky, double tube? For real this time?”

Ben tipped his head toward the entrance of the slides. “Go Ky. Have fun.”

Kylo grinned and sprung to his feet. “Fuck yes! COME ON!”

~*~

Double tube with Rey, then Dad, and even Uncle Chewy squeezed onto it with him (that splash in the ending zone soaked patrons outside the slide area!) Kylo raced down every slide, soaking in the thrill, the speed, the relative unknown as the water took control of everything. He was only along for the ride.

The speed slides gave him a rush like flying the Silencer through a skirmish, and the River Rapids Raft Ride squeezed him, Rey, Dad, and Uncle Chewy into one huge tube that sent them flying up walls and down enormous drops. And between this all, he waved to Ben and Mom riding along the lazy river.

And just when the waterpark fun ended, there was still so much to do. The boardwalk came alive in the evening with delicious smells, rides where people screamed, and games that were really hard until you cheated with the Force. Rey and Dad joined him on the rides (which were exhilarating but somewhat boring since they really locked you in, where was the danger in that?) He convinced Ben to ride the giant wheel and nearly had his arm squeezed to the bone in his brother’s panic over the height. Shaved steak sandwiches, ice cream, fried root curls, fizzy drinks, it was all so overwhelming but so much FUN!

Ben came alive in the arcades where he mastered every game he played. One place had a giant Holo-dancer system that blew Ben’s away. Kylo and Ben worked themselves into a sweaty mess competing against one another and even some other patrons.

As they sat in the transport for the ride home, Kylo looked back at the colorful lights of the boardwalk and the glitter of the first moon on the sea. He didn’t want to leave. He never really knew what fun was until this day, so much excitement and new experiences. Kylo had lived twenty years and never knew fun until now.

As the ride carried them across the sky to home, Kylo let the rush of all that excitement die down into a soft humming in his body. At some point, he drifted off and fell asleep against Ben’s shoulder.

Ben—his brother, his savior, and his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I speak for us all in wishing Kylo well with his new sea skeleton collection. And we wish Ben well in his recovery from waterslide adventures. Poor soggy pup.
> 
> If this seemed a bit out of place, I had to write it but wasn't sure where I would actually put it until some finagling with chapter orders. I had taken my son to a waterpark for a birthday party, and the entire time I was just imagining a giant excited Kylo, a terrified Ben, a harried Leia, and a smooth, bikini-clad Rey just taking over for hilarious fun. And I had promised Kylo a day at the beach since Galaxy, so I had to provide. Raised near the Jersey shore in NJ, USA, a good handful of the most popular beaches have boardwalks that include rides, games, arcades, and sometimes, yes, even waterparks, visible from the shoreline. And yes, I have literally been in Ben's crab situation, not scared of them, but at low tide in the water getting pinched everywhere I stepped.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter of levity, as the next chapter will be rather heavy. Kylo starts school, and it puts a hefty amount of pressure on his already bitey self. We will hearken back to a moment in Galaxy as now told in Kylo's POV, plus a painful moment in his past, so shine up your hugging arms, he's going to need them. 
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	6. Stress Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I’m not the only one feeling that?”_
> 
> _“Think it just comes with being my clone, unbridled terror in social situations and vague discomfort everywhere else but home.” Ben patted his back. “But we’ll get through it."_
> 
> With so many life changes, including starting school, Kylo is brought to a snapping point that leaves him in deep regret. Han, Chewbacca, and Rey find a way to get his mind off of it for a while. Kylo taps into a creative side he never knew existed.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While we will start and end with our usual Solo family chuckles, this will be a much heavier chapter.
> 
> TW for therapist discussions, memories of child abuse, mild self harm, medications, cognitive lapses and disconnect, self hatred, drinking alcohol
> 
> The darkest portion of this chapter is in the third therapist discussion. If you wish to avoid it, Kylo's childhood memory starts with "The memory flooded back while his stomach sank in dread" but the toughest part is from "Who told you this was allowed?" to "Dr. Lo stood next to him, in the spot he felt most comfortable."
> 
> Also a reminder that I'm not a therapist or mental health professional, but the conversations are styled after personal therapy sessions as well as some info gleaned from friends in the field. In essence, please don't assume the discussions are an accurate representation of professional mental health sessions. I'm just a writer who occasionally writes trashy robot tales and identifies bugs for fun.
> 
> Finally, this chapter references the incident in Galaxy that was Rey's memory of Ben being so patient with Kylo despite all the challenges, only this time we get to see it from Ky's point of view. Also, it's going to be long as I had no good place to split it, so yeah and stuff.

“Go ahead and put that in the bowl.”

Kylo, using the utmost of care under Leia’s supervision, poured flour from the measuring cup into the mixing bowl.

“Good! Now, let me show you how to crack an egg.”

Maybe this shouldn’t have been as exciting as it was, but it was something Kylo had never done, and if he succeeded, it could be a game changer.

“Go ahead, you try now.”

Kylo tapped the egg on the counter and jolted when it cracked. Under his mother’s guidance, he chipped it just right until he could break it open. Slime and a yellow orb fell into the flour. “Mom, will this really make pancakes?”

“Absolutely. Why don’t you add the vanilla now?”

The dark brown substance did not look like it belonged in a pancake, but it smelled really good.

After Kylo added the final ingredient, Leia said, “Now stir until its nice and thick and wet.”

He did as instructed, still baffled by how this mess could turn into a delicious breakfast. But as the spoon mashed and stirred the ingredients, they all changed. White and yellow and brown blended into a light beige, thick and bubbly.

“That’s perfect!” Leia said. “Ready for the pan.”

Kylo rushed the bowl over to Ben. “Loooook! Mom says this will be pancakes. This!”

Ben smiled and nodded. “Smells so good, buddy. Can’t wait to try them.”

Kylo still wasn’t so sure. How was this sloppy mush going to make pancakes? It almost reminded him of the tasteless gruel he lived off of growing up.

But he was going to start school soon, his life having taken a turn where he was learning and studying all over again. Might as well start with the basics—feeding oneself.

Leia showed him how to pour it on the pan in medium circles. After some time had passed, she guided him with a spatula to flip the circle. What lay before him was a golden pancake. A real pancake!

If he got this right, who knew where he could go from there? Maybe he could cook an entire breakfast, maybe even lunch and dinner. He could eat whatever he wanted at any time, house droid or no!

The Force was great and all, but it didn’t make breakfast.

With care and a heap of apprehension, he flipped the pancakes onto a plate. Steaming and fluffy, they looked sooo good and smelled incredible. “BEN! I did it! I made pancakes!”

“That’s great, buddy!” Ben took a sip of his tea while Rey shook her head with a smile beside him. “I’m so proud of you!”

Leia patted Kylo’s arms. “Enjoy, I’ll make the rest. You deserve a treat for your hard work.”

Kylo kissed her on the head. “Thanks Mom, and thank you for teaching me.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome, honey.”

Kylo cut a piece of butter and placed it on top. “I can’t believe I made food on my own.”

Ben smiled. “That’s an incredible step. You’re really learning to be self sufficient.”

Kylo watched the slab of butter melt on top. “What does that mean?”

“Well, you’re learning to take care of yourself, to get what you need on your own.”

Kylo stopped and stared at him, ice frosting his bones. “Do I have to leave when I become self sufficient?”

Ben leaned forward. “You never have to leave our home, Kylo. This is just a milestone for you. As kids, we learn so we can fend for ourselves as adults. It’s a rite of passage to be able to care for yourself.”

Han popped in just to say, “And precisely where did we go wrong with you?”

“Oh my stars, Dad, shut UP!”

Kylo dumped syrup on the stack and was ready to jab it with a fork when he thought better of it. “Ben, you should have my first pancakes. After all, you did give me everything. It’s about time I gave something to you.”

Ben gave him the warmest smile. “Ky, I would be honored, but I’d be even more honored to see you enjoying something you made for yourself. Besides, there’s plenty in that bowl, and Mom’s got another batch going already. You enjoy it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. Tell me how it tastes.”

Kylo smiled, nodded, and stabbed into his stack. He shoved the resulting cut layers of spongy heaven into his mouth and melted as the flavors burst across his tongue. It was perfect.

“Good stuff?”

Kylo nodded, and in a rare instance couldn’t help but talk with his mouth full. “It’s the best.”

Han darted forward with a fork to snag some. “Ah, you won’t miss a little piece—”

Kylo snarled and wrapped his arms around his plate, making Ben and Rey burst into a fit of giggles.

Ben seemed especially smug. “You’re not burgling Kylo, Dad.”

Rey added, “He’ll eat your arm along with the pancakes.”

Well that was just patently not true, but what Ben said was absolute fact. No one was going to take his pancakes away from him.

Han grabbed another stacked plate. “Then I’ll just burgle this one.”

Leia slammed the spatula down. “Damnit, Han, that’s Ben’s plate!”

“Yeah, I especially like the berry smile, thanks.”

“DAD!” Ben growled, and in a rare display, thrust out his arm, flinging a buttery, syrupy pancake flat against Han’s face. It slid back down onto the plate, leaving their father a sticky, gooey mess, berries dropping off one by one. Rey cackled right out of her chair, and Kylo nearly spit his mouthful of pancakes across the table.

Leia planted her hand on her hip. “I would almost start yelling about the continued nonsense at mealtime, but Han, you had that one coming for thirty years.”

Kylo wanted to enjoy his pancakes, but he could not stop laughing as Han methodically wiped his face with a napkin. Plus, it was good to see Ben starting to stand up for himself against Dad’s bad attempts at humor? Bonding? Fathering? What exactly was Dad trying to accomplish?

Ben rested his chin on his interwoven fingers. “Dad, you’re in a house full of Force sensitives now, including some of the most powerful seen in generations. Do you _really_ think it’s wise to cross us?” He blinked as he smiled.

Han grunted as he took one last swipe with the napkin at his chin. “Think I liked it better when you were just a nerd.”

~*~

“I start school tomorrow.” Kylo continued his pushups while waiting for his therapist to respond. He liked this one. She was small, older, and reminded him of Mom. Plus, she was well versed in Force-sensitives while having a touch of the capability herself, so he didn’t have to hold back. But best of all, she let him work out while he talked.

The first session had been maddening. He was expected to talk about all these dark things he tried to keep out of his mind and sit still on top of it. Even though Ben sat beside him for that session to be an anchor of support, Kylo wound up pacing around the room, growling and pressing his hand to his head. He was sure Dr. Lo would kick him out or ask him to never return. Instead, she said it was okay if he wanted to exercise while he talked.

It was so much easier to talk about his feelings when his body was occupied.

Dr. Lo rested her chin on her fist. “How are you feeling about that?”

“Nervous,” he panted. “I don’t know how to be in school. Ben told me all about it. We visited and sat through a class. But I never learned with others before. I always learned alone.” He leapt to his feet and jogged in place.

“How does it feel to know you’re sharing the learning experience with others now?”

“I don’t know. It’s normal to do it. I like to know what normal is.”

“What’s your definition of normal?”

He swallowed between breaths. “It’s what everyone else gets to do that’s healthy.”

“What’s not normal?”

He pulled himself down, nose to knees in a stretch. “Starving. Pain. Being beaten and yelled at. Living in the cold. Being embarrassed. I thought that was normal once, but the rest of the galaxy is living this life where that’s not happening. It was only me. So I want what they have. I want to like every day.”

“People have good days and bad days. Not everyone likes every day.”

Kylo sat on the floor to stretch his leg. “I like every day now that I’m not on Exegol. Sometimes I hate myself, but I like each day. Any day outside of Exegol is a good day.”

“Why do you hate yourself some days?”

He switched to stretching the other leg. “Because there’s too much anger. I don’t want to be so angry. Ben isn’t angry. He’s always kind. I pulled my lightsaber on my family and punch walls, and I hate myself when I do stuff like that. I want to be more like Ben.”

“What would it feel like if you were more like Ben?”

Kylo spread his legs wide and pressed his head toward the floor. “I would be smart, and I could trust, and people would love me and not be afraid of me, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone. Maybe even Rey would finally like me again, but I wouldn’t try to be with her because she’s with Ben and I don’t want to hurt him. I just want to be the kind of person she can love because she couldn’t love me before, so I must have been wrong and I don’t want to be wrong anymore.”

“So you feel Ben is the right way to be because Rey fell in love with him?”

Kylo sat up, in disbelief he had to explain. “Ben’s perfect! I want to be like him because he’s the right way to be.”

“Why do you feel he’s right and you’re wrong?”

Questions like these were the worst. They made him feel like his bones were itchy. He rubbed his palm into the rug and whipped his head back and forth to shake off that discomfort. “I hurt people. That’s what I was taught to do. It’s all I learned to do. And even with Exegol gone, I still hurt them. I want to punch and I want to rip everything apart with my lightsaber. I want to just chase everyone away so they leave me alone.” He clawed at the pile of the rug. “But I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with people who love me. I _need_ to be with people who love me. But everyone else is just noise. And I can’t trust them and don’t understand them. I’m in a normal world and I’m not normal and I don’t understand any of it. I do things that people don’t like. I don’t know boundaries. And all of that is wrong.”

“Sounds like you have a lot of changes you want for yourself.”

“Of _course_. I don’t want to be like this. I want it to be quiet inside. And I want to love like Ben and Mom. They love, and they’re not afraid, and they know the right thing to do. Well, Mom does anyway. I want to smile like they do. That’s why I have to be better.”

Dr. Lo sat back. “I have to say, I’m impressed by your self reflection.”

He tipped his confused face up toward her. “Huh?”

“I have seen plenty of patients with a much calmer history than yours who either cannot or choose not to recognize areas in their personality or behaviors that may cause harm to others or themselves. Despite your history, you have a lot of insight. You’re able to see areas you want to change.”

“I _do_ want to change. I’ll do anything to be better.”

Dr. Lo smiled. “I like to see that energy, that you’re making these kinds of choices, to want to improve. I’m very proud of you for having such courage and determination.”

Kylo blinked. “You are?”

“I am. Kylo, how does it feel to hear someone is proud of you?”

He returned to drawing lines in the carpet. “Weird.” He smiled. “But good.”

“Do you ever feel proud of yourself?”

That itchy feeling made him shake his body again. “I don’t know. Sometimes. When I get something right and Ben or Mom smiles, when they’re proud of me then I know I can be proud of me, too. Because I’m not sure what I should be proud of, so I need them to show me. The more I’m like Ben, the better I am.”

“What if you were like Kylo?”

Kylo turned to her in confusion. “Huh?”

“You want to be like Ben because in your eyes he’s perfect. What would it be like to be the perfect Kylo? What would the perfect Kylo be like?”

He shrugged. “I guess like Ben. Smart. Good. Loving and kind. Everything I’m not.”

“I want you to try something, to use your imagination. Close your eyes.” He followed suit and waited for her instructions. “I want you to imagine a Kylo Organa Solo who was never raised on Exegol. This Kylo was raised with your family right here on Chandrila and had access to everything Ben had. What does this Kylo look like?”

It was hard to picture such a thing, but if he had to imagine being able to eat real food and being taken care of by Mom and having a big brother like Ben to look after him, maybe he wouldn’t be so angry and confused and hurtful. Maybe he’d even be a little different from Ben. Kylo would have excelled in Uncle Luke’s school because he’d be able to fight and actually shoot something. He’d be able to use the Light side of the Force and not be so limited. Ben would probably be scared a lot, so Kylo would have to protect him. And so many people wanted to hurt Ben growing up, so Kylo would definitely be kicking their asses, letting his brother feel safe to live his life. Then Kylo would go on missions with Dad and kick ass and fly the Falcon all over the galaxy.

Kylo finally spoke. “He’s wearing red. He likes red because it’s hot and tough, fiery. He walks into a room and everyone clears a path for him because he’s strong and powerful, but he’s not scary. They like having him there because they know no one would ever hurt them while he’s around. He’s a hero, but he’ll fight and kill if he has to, if it means saving those he loves. He’s smart and makes good decisions. Girls love him and feel safe with him because they know he’d never hurt them, and he’s kind and loving. He’d shine like a bright star in the sky, but like a red star, badass and fiery. And he’d always be there for his family.”

“Would you like to be that Kylo?”

He swallowed. “Very much. But I don’t know how. I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m broken and damaged and came from Exegol. I don’t think I could ever be right enough to be like that.”

“What would it mean to you if you could?”

He swallowed again, a lump forming in his throat. “Everything.”

“Sounds like that Kylo has a lot of good qualities. Do you share any of those qualities?”

Kylo shook his head. “I’m nothing like that.”

“You fought against Palpatine. You ran right toward him to protect your brother and Rey, even though you knew you were at a disadvantage. That sounds courageous. Is this perfect Kylo courageous?”

“Oh yeah, definitely. He’ll stand up against anything, doesn’t even think about his own safety, only of those who need him.”

“Sounds like you’re one step closer to being the perfect Kylo.”

That sounded hopeful and completely impossible. But hope felt better than dismay. “Maybe. But it’s just one thing.”

“Kylo, I’d like you to do an exercise, especially now that school is starting. Every day I want you to jot down at least one good thing about yourself, something you are, something you did, something you felt, something you feel proud of, something that made someone else smile, anything. Just write it down.”

He spun from side to side at his torso, feeling that internal itchiness again. “What if I have nothing to write?”

“Try to find the best you can pick out of the day, even if that good thing is having gotten through an entire day no matter how tough.”

Maybe that wasn’t so hard. “Okay.”

~*~

Kylo pressed himself against Ben’s arm as he eyed the plethora of people passing through the halls of the school. He was older than most there (he could only really tell for the humans anyway,) starting at the same age others were graduating. He was sure eyes kept going up to his scar, which was causing brief spikes of pain to flash along that line.

“You okay, buddy?” Ben was always concerned about him, even while he himself was a taut string of tension.

“There’s a lot of people here.”

“I know, right? Like being caught in a flood of eyeballs and judgment.”

“I’m not the only one feeling that?”

“Think it just comes with being my clone, unbridled terror in social situations and vague discomfort everywhere else but home.” Ben patted his back. “But we’ll get through it. I was here at fourteen. Mom had to take off work five times the first week because I had panic attacks.”

“What happened after that?”

“I eventually got used to it, especially once I focused on the actual studying and work and not so much on everyone else. The Jedi Temple was a fail, and here I knew I’d have an opportunity to be everything I was meant to be, so that made it less painful. You’ll see, once you get settled, it won’t feel so overwhelming.”

Kylo hid beneath his hair, not wanting to meet all the eyes cast in his direction. “They’re all looking at my scar.”

“Honestly, they’re probably more intrigued by two giant twins of differing ages towering over them. Come on, let’s get to your first class. Gonna start any minute.”

Kylo nodded and followed Ben, but regardless of his brother’s attempt to comfort him, he knew they were all looking directly at his disfigurement, just like they all did back on Exegol.

~*~

First class was Theoretical Physics, whatever that was. Kylo wasn’t sure it was a good idea to put him in a class of which he didn’t even understand the name, but Ben assured him he’d help him through it.

“And we have a rather famous alumnus here today,” the professor said. “Please say hello to Dr. Ben Solo.”

Ben smiled and nodded, but there was a glimmer of something in there Kylo didn’t quite understand. Challenge? “Good to see you too, Professor Fordo.”

“And how…often will you be joining us?”

“Just until my brother Kylo here is situated. He’s not from Chandrila, and I’m helping him adjust to the change.”

Professor Fordo smiled and nodded, but his eyes looked…worried? “Excellent. Well, let’s begin. Class, today we’re going to discuss vergence fields that theoretically allow passage into other dimensions. Now, the first thing we need to keep in mind with this theory is that while we’d like otherwise, a vergence field is nearly impossible to calculate exactly when the intent is to create an opening for passage. If you’ll look at the math here—”

“Ohhhh,” Ben groaned, loud enough that all heads turned in his direction, “you are not still teaching that old model, are you?”

Professor Fordo bore a smile of very little patience. “Dr. Solo, this is the class I teach, and anything else beyond this is just speculation—”

“Oh ho ho, it’s actually—totally not—let me explain.” Ben stood and charged for the head of the classroom.

Kylo watched in confusion as the professor threw up his hands in protest. “Dr. Solo, no, this isn’t appropriate—”

Ben pointed his finger toward the writing projection screen. “See class—oh this is way too small, we’re going to need five screens for this.” He immediately projected his own. “Let me demonstrate, and follow along with the math because it’s going to pop out fast.”

Fordo’s voice lowered, teeth gritted. “Damnit you are not going to do this to me again! This is _my_ class!”

Ben wiggled the fingers of his left hand, waving Fordo off while not looking up from the letters, symbols, and numbers he scribbled onto the screens. “Yeah-yeah, I’ll give it back in a minute, but I want to show them how…”

Kylo tried to pay attention, really he did, but so much of that crazy math was lost on him. Even if he was fascinated with what his brother was trying to teach, his mind kept wandering. And it was only his first day.

How was he going to get through years of this?

~*~

The Literature class sounded even more intimidating than Theoretical Physics. But at least this teacher seemed warm and kind. And apparently Ben didn’t know her like the last few that all bore terror in their souls at his smug smile.

What the hell did he _do_ in his classes?

While Ben addressed some work issues on his comm, the rest of the class read through a passage. It was about thunder and storms, and Kylo didn’t feel as distracted or intimidated here, not yet anyway. He never read literature before, only Sith studies and factual information. Reading words meant for enjoyment and expression struck a chord in him he didn’t expect.

Then came the horror. The professor was going around the room asking the students how they felt about the piece. He decided it was best to listen in because he wasn’t sure _how_ you were supposed to interpret anything.

And Ben had Torbin on a messaging spree, so Kylo didn’t want to bother him.

“I think the writer’s a coward,” one student said.

“Interesting,” Professor Dinn said, “tell us how.”

“Well, all storms pass. That she wants to run away means she isn’t patient or is too scared to face the tough things in life. Storms don’t last forever.”

“That’s not true.” Kylo said it before his brain had a chance to prevent him from ruining his first day of school.

Professor Dinn smiled at him. “Kylo, would you like to add to what Geren is saying?”

He licked his lips. “Well…some storms never end.”

Geren sighed and shook his head. “Yes they do.”

Adrenaline instantly pumped through Kylo’s body. No one was going to call him a liar. “Where I come from, there was nothing but constant storms. Constant lightning, constant thunder. No rain, just endless storms. Maybe storms end on Chandrila, but they don’t on Exegol.”

Noses wrinkled, probably wondering what Exegol was. A few whispered to one another, looking at him. Why didn’t he keep his mouth closed?

He turned to Ben, hoping to find out what he should do, but his brother’s teeth were clenched as he tapped like mad on the projected keyboard, something about customers _not_ always being right.

Professor Dinn just kept smiling at him. “So Kylo, do you think it’s a matter of perspective?”

He had no clue. “Uhhhhh…”

“If the writer was on Exegol, would it make sense that she wanted to escape instead of waiting out the storm?”

“Oh, absolutely. The storms never would have ended for me. I had to leave. Sometimes…I guess you just got to get away from a situation that’s never going to improve, that hurts you constantly. Maybe you even find a better planet, one with a blue sky and sunshine, oceans and grass, butterflies and bees and flowers, but you’ll never know unless you walk away.” He shrugged. “Some storms just won’t end, and you won’t get to truly live until you find someplace new.”

“That’s an incredible perspective, Kylo. See how varied the experiences are of each reader to the same piece? Literature is not just what’s brought to us, but what we bring to the table as well.”

Kylo eased, and upon realizing he had been praised, he smiled. Finally, he’d have something to add to his journal of good things about himself.

Maybe school wasn’t _so_ bad after all.

~*~

And then, maybe it was. Some classes were great, and he understood them on a level he never expected, like Literature. But then there was Calculus and Physics and Chemistry, all things Ben was so good at, all things Kylo _should_ have been good at being his clone, but all it did was make his head hurt. He tried to pay attention in class, really tried, but his thoughts kept drifting, body kept running, and it was taking all of his strength not to run out of the classroom just to feel his body moving again.

All he could do was bounce his legs to a few dirty looks for the vibrating rows of seats.

And they could take those looks and shove them straight up their asses because any day now he was liable to ask them what in the holy Force-fucking FUCK they were looking at!

Sometimes he rode the transport home, sometimes he just _ran_ , because nothing soothed him like physical activity. Keep quiet, keep still, don’t choke the guy you swear is snickering at your scars. How was he supposed to live like this?!

And then to come home and have to learn half his classes all over again with Ben because he didn’t get it the first time. He already broke two datapads in his utter frustration, having flung them across the room. He felt like utter shit, especially when he saw the disappointment and underlying frustration in Ben’s eyes. Sorry couldn’t fix shattered glass and cracked cases.

And despite it all, Ben still hugged him afterward. Honestly, Kylo didn’t know why his brother still put so much effort and energy into him. He should have just given up. Kylo was supposed to behave like a human being, not a warped creature from a jar, and here he was flinging datapads instead of doing the damn math.

Still he was loved, hugged, fed, and treated like he mattered. It held his heart safe, but it only added to the constant frustration. Being treated well after being such a pain in the ass to everyone made little sense, and he didn’t understand it.

Oh and would his head stop hurting for two minutes?

Pacing like a caged Loth wolf in his room, his surroundings mocked him. He didn’t deserve such finery, such a soft carpet and bed, beautiful yet tough decorations, this entire house, his family, everything Ben kept giving him for no damn reason. Kylo just kept making everything harder for everyone while school and life were a constant, never-ending source of pressure.

One day it would burst. Good things were always taken away, and sometimes Kylo felt like he should just destroy it all, destroy everything he’d gained so HE could be in charge of whether it was gone, not someone else, not someone taking it away while he held on for dear life.

Weekends were easier, two days to just rest and unwind after three days of perpetual frustration. Mom would be home and Kylo could cuddle on her lap, or she’d make breakfast and dinner. He was glad to help her, still so fascinated that by taking unrelated items, he could transform them into something tasty. Like old Sith rituals, but nutritious instead of horrifying. Quiet family days where he didn’t have to worry about school or fitting into society, fun outings where he could let loose and maybe blow up some asteroids, or wrestle Uncle Chewy or cuddle next to Mom or Ben. On those days his head didn’t hurt, the pressure turned down.

But then the weekdays would roll around again.

One particular day, he felt strangely detached from it all. Numb almost, not even questioning why someone was looking at him a certain way or whether it mattered if he aced his calculus exam. Maybe he was getting used to it all. Maybe it was all just not hurting so much anymore.

He didn’t even bother to check in at Ben’s office when he came home from school like he usually did. Numbly, he walked up to his room, so glad he didn’t feel so stressed and frustrated anymore.

He didn’t need to.

Because when it got to be too much, you just destroyed everything in your path and killed anyone who got in your way.

The door to his bedroom just barely closed behind him before his lightsaber sprung to life. Everyone was going to pay for what they did to him, and the Master would reward him, not punish him. Because he had to be a killer. He had to kill without hesitation or question. Destroy on command. Darth Sidious’ command.

Ahhhh it felt so good to tear through the halls of Exegol, slashing at wall sconces and ancient parchments, hacking away at doors that stood for thousands of years, obliterating statues of long dead Sith who didn’t fucking matter anymore just like everything else in the galaxy.

And then he froze, unable to move his limbs. No! Damnit NO! The fucking guards again! They always caught up to him. Why the fuck wasn’t he stronger than them by now? “LET ME FUCKING GO!” he screamed, wrenching against the hold that just kept getting stronger. How were they getting so powerful?

“You need to calm the fuck down first. Let go of the lightsaber. Let it go NOW!”

How dare those fuckers ask for his lightsaber? That was HIS! But despite resisting the pressure, his fingers were being pried off of his only weapon and possession besides the clothes on his back. With a screech of fury, he just let it go. He could never win against them. No matter how hard he trained or tried, they would always overpower him.

“Fuck’s the matter with you?”

The matter with _him_? He was on fucking Exegol being constantly beaten by these fuckers and they had the audacity to ask what was wrong with _him_? That’s it, he’d just fucking break out of the hold and kill them once and for all.

Wrenching and shoving, he forced everything in his soul against the hold, screaming in his fury, his frustration, his desperation to just destroy everything, to just END everything, to make it all go away, the pain and the pressure and the despair, make it all go away if he could just KILL IT!

He pushed and shoved even if it hurt, even if his muscles burned and bones felt like they would snap any moment, because it felt so good to just FIGHT! Fight and roar and whip himself into a frenzy against a galaxy that never failed to grip him in a stranglehold.

Fight! Kill! Destroy! Deliciously familiar and soothing in its familiarity, he was going to break out and unleash himself on everything and anything with abandon.

“Oh what the fuck, Kylo?!” It was a voice just like his own but lacked the bitter fury.

Everything went gray. He wasn’t in Exegol. He wasn’t sure where he was. Something was off. Something was wrong. Kylo clamped his eyes shut and just breathed while biting his lower lip. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

“It’s okay, let him go. Let me talk to him.”

The grip on him finally released, and they set him on his feet once more. What the hell was going on? Where was he? Fuck, did his head hurt! Kylo paced in circles, palm pressed to his head, panting into growls, trying to wrench some control over himself.

“Kylo, buddy, what’s going on? Talk to me. You know you’re safe here. You can tell me anything.”

Was that Ben? That sounded like Ben. What was Ben doing there? Where were they anyway? Stars, he was so fucking confused. He finally slowed his pacing and just stood there, hand gripping his hair, the pain settling him and connecting him back with his body. The floor was squishy and soft beneath his feet. Yes, he remembered that. It was warm, comfortable, not cold and damp. Good. The fog started clearing, and the space was bright, not dim like Exegol. Okay…okay…

He let his hair go with a hefty breath and opened his eyes, still panting. Shit, that _was_ Ben. And the other voice must have been Rey the whole time. Why did it sound so skewed? What the fuck was even…

The scorch marks edged in burning embers hit him first, followed quickly by the acrid smoke. His room…his home…his palace…his safe space against the galaxy that confused, terrified, and angered him.

Scorch marks in the wall, cutting through the red LED lights that had gone dark in their severed connection. His dressers, his desk, the screen for his holopad severed in half. Gash mark through the wall of the tub, his fluffy blanket and three of his pillows smoking, the overhead fire suppressant system belting out a non-toxic gas to keep any fire under control, SOLO-patented thank you very much.

His castle. His very special gift. His happy place.

Destroyed by his own hand in a fit he didn’t even remember.

Kylo balled his fists, pressed them against the sides of his head, and screamed in anguish. How could he have done this?! When?! Why?! FUCK!

“Kylo!” Ben grasped his shoulders. And he didn’t even sound angry, just concerned.

Kylo just plain shattered inside, crashing into himself, bludgeoned by both his actions and the terror that he had done this in some disconnect from reality. What if Melanie had been in here instead of helping Ben? What if Mom or Dad…

He crumpled to his knees in tears. Ben knelt and pulled him into his arms, brushing his hand over Kylo’s head. “It’s okay, Kylo. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Kylo choked out.

“It’s okay. Shhhh, it’s okay.”

“I destroyed everything! What did I do?!”

“Shhhhh.” Ben rocked him in his arms. “We’ll fix it, okay? We’ll fix it all.”

“You gave me everything and I…I…” He sobbed into his brother’s chest.

“It’s just things. Things can be replaced. I’m just worried about you. You’re all that matters.”

Kylo wrapped his arms around Ben’s stomach and squeezed as he wailed. He was broken. He was so fucking broken to have done all this and not even realize it. And why? Why the things he loved most? Why did he have to destroy the beautiful things he finally had in his life?

The rest of the night passed in a haze. Ben led him out of his room and into one of the guest rooms in Ben’s wing. It wasn’t the same, but it was soft and solid and definitely wasn’t filled with lightsaber burns. Dr. Lo sent a prescription that knocked him right on his ass until the next morning.

He woke up starving and did his best to ignore what he had done, at least until he could eat breakfast. Mom stayed home and cooked, and Kylo skipped classes for that day, per Dr. Lo’s and Ben’s orders.

An emergency session with Dr. Lo allowed Kylo to reveal that he had been stressed and angry lately, culminating in constant headaches and a growing disconnect.

“But why my room?” Kylo had asked her. “Why did I have to destroy the one place that made me happy? I’m so confused!”

“Sounds to me like your room is your safe place,” she replied. “And you needed somewhere safe to express all those pent-up emotions.”

“So I’m just going to destroy everything that means anything to me? Is that my fucking fate?”

“No Kylo, we will find other ways of expressing that anger and frustration, healthy ways, ones that work especially for you. Your trauma isn’t your fate, Kylo. It’s a wound we’re still working to heal, that’s all.” She tapped at her comm. “In the meantime, I’d like you to try some medication, one to help with your attention and another to help keep you calm while you’re learning and adjusting—”

“Medicine is for the weak!” He felt like shit the moment he said it. “I’m sorry. It…it’s always in my head. Ben says even the strong need medicine.” He growled as he pressed his fist to his head.

“Your brother is right. You are incredibly strong, Kylo. Do you believe me when I say that?”

He shrugged. “I work out a lot.”

“No, I meant you, as a person. You endured so much, and even when it scares you or hurts you, you try so hard to be better. You’re a very, very strong man, Kylo. Trauma does not make you a weak person. Your mind and body need help, and that’s okay.”

Kylo swallowed, nearing tears. He never thought of himself as strong, just a weak failure like he’d always been told. But Dr. Lo was a good person, a healthy person, so she had to be telling him the truth. “Okay.”

“What does it feel like to hear that I think you’re strong?”

He trembled as he shrugged. “I want to believe it. If you say it, I know it has to be true.”

She smiled. “Well, I’d like to assure you it is, and I’d love for you to practice believing it for yourself. Will you feel comfortable taking the medicine?”

He tried to shove off the voices that kept calling him weak. “If you think it will help, I’ll do it. I want to get better. I don’t want to be like this.”

“Okay, Kylo. Then we’ll do it. I’d like to set up a brain scan.”

“Why?”

“The disconnect you had is a little concerning. We don’t know the full medical history you have. Physical and mental trauma can manifest in a variety of ways. It will help tailor the medication and let us know of anything else we’re dealing with.”

Kylo nodded, nervous about it all, but he wanted to get better, so badly wanted to get better.

On the transport ride home, Ben turned to him, gentle as always. “Ky, buddy, you know you can tell me anything at any time, no matter what. Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling so stressed?”

Kylo just shrugged. Life was too confusing right now. How could he have told him?

“Buddy, listen, you don’t have to hold things in. Even if you don’t know how you’re feeling, if you’re not feeling good, then just say so. We’ll figure it out.”

Kylo was glad Ben had brought the private transport, because the tears already started to flow. “I don’t know how to live this life, Ben! I don’t know this! The classes are too hard, and everyone keeps looking at me. I’m trying and I’m confused and I only know one thing, how to fucking kill and destroy, and that’s what I did!” He shook his head, shrinking beneath his mop of hair. “I can’t live the life you want me to live. I can’t be like you, like any normal person. Should have just fucking left me back on Exegol where I belong!”

Ben cupped his cheek and turned Kylo’s face toward him. “Hey, you do not belong on Exegol. You belong with the Solo family, right here, right with us.” He used that same hand to brush over Kylo’s hair. “And it’s okay if it’s hard. Of _course_ it’s hard. We all knew this would be hard for you…” He swallowed. “Kylo, is anything I’m doing putting pressure on you? Making this worse?”

“No! You’re trying so hard to get me to be like you. I’m the one that’s failing.”

Ben’s jaw fell open. “Oh stars, Ky, was I doing that? Pressuring you to be like me?”

Kylo growled and shoved his hand through his hair. “You’re not pressuring me! I _want_ to be just like you. But I’m just not smart enough. I’m too broken.” He hung his head. “Everything you do is amazing. You’re perfect and…all I can see is every way I’m never going to measure up, no matter how hard I try.”

Ben sighed and pulled him into a hug. “Kylo, I’m not…I am _so_ far from perfect it would take light years to measure the distance.”

“Not to me,” Kylo murmured into his chest.

Ben groaned and kissed his head. “Listen, I had a vastly different start than you did. Academics come easy to me, just like combat comes easy to you. And you know how awful I am at that. Hey.” Ben let him go and tilted Kylo’s head up once more, dark eyes meeting matching dark eyes. “Just do what you can with what you have. And don’t feel you have to live up to anything besides your own self, okay? We only want you to be healthy and happy. It’s good to have a challenge, but not if it’s hurting you this much. It’s not worth it, okay?”

“Then how can I ever be like you? Taking down a Star Destroyer with a belt full of chemicals and a toolkit. Defeating Palpatine with math. I’ve trained all my life and I can’t ever measure up to what you did with just science and math alone.” Kylo shook his head. “Two areas I’m failing miserably.”

“Aw Ky…” Ben pulled him into a hug again. “Listen, you have to do what’s best for you. And if the math and science classes aren’t it, then…we’ll focus on other things you do like.”

“But I _do_ like them.”

“Okay, then we’ll find a different pace, maybe pull back a little, we’ll come up with a plan, us and with Dr. Lo, everything. All the things hurting you, we’ll all figure out how to work on them, okay? So it’s even more important that you tell us when things aren’t going well, even if it’s little things. We can’t help you if we don’t know you’re hurting.”

Kylo sighed and hung his head again. He couldn’t get over his room, that he couldn’t just go back in there and get away from the world. He’d just be reminded of how he tried to destroy it all without even _realizing_ he was doing it. Oh he hated thinking about what he had done. With a soft sob, he asked, “What do I do about my room?”

Ben patted him on the leg. “We fix it.”

At first the answer irritated him, so simplistic it was ridiculous. But moments later, he settled into it with a nod. Walls, tubs, screens, they could all be fixed or replaced. Things didn’t matter as much as people did.

At least he didn’t hurt anyone. That was something to add to his journal: _Destroyed everything I love in a blind rage, but at least no one got hurt._

Damn he was scared of himself.

~*~

Kylo couldn’t bring himself to go back in his room, so Ben scanned it with his comm, and then the two sat down before Ben’s holopad. He showed Kylo how to order a new screen, table, blankets, and pillows. Then they contacted an upholsterer to repair the three cushions on the couch. Kylo ordered a new lighting kit, and then he and Ben went into the lab to whip up patching cement for the walls and tub as well as some paint. They could have purchased the items, but Ben said it would be more fun and satisfying this way.

In the meantime, a construction crew was busy in the yard building a new shed or something, Kylo wasn’t sure and wasn’t in the frame of mind to ask.

The items would take some time to arrive, and the cement and paint would take a few days to finish, which worked out fine. As the hours, then days passed, he felt less shaken by it all. At some point, he’d have to face his room and fix things. Maybe once everything was ready, he’d be calm and brave enough to do so.

But all he could put in his journal in the meantime was: _I still exist._

~*~

“Come on, Ky,” Ben said, “I’ve got something for you.”

With all that had happened in the past few days, Kylo wasn’t feeling terribly optimistic about anything and wondered what Ben could possibly have for him. It couldn’t be a reward; Kylo acted so badly he didn’t deserve one. That could only mean…

He followed Ben outside of the house, along a path, over to the new building that smelled of fresh paint and gleamed as if still wet. They passed through the giant set of sliding doors, Ben excited, Kylo not so much. He had a feeling he knew what this was and didn’t like it.

Inside, it was a disaster, and maybe that’s exactly what he deserved. Big and open, cold, and filled with junk like pieces of ships and engine parts. There was no bed, no dresser, no bathtub or TV. Not even any windows. It was entirely too much like his room on Exegol except in white.

Ben spread his arms out, a big smile on his face. “All for you, buddy. What do you think?”

Kylo tried not to break into tears and stilled his quivering mouth. “Okay.”

So that was it. Kylo’s beautiful room, his safe place he could always sink into and get away from the world, with its gleaming red, bright gray, and black accents, that was no more. No more giant fluffy bed or squishy couch, no big hot bath where he could watch shows while he soaked, no fluffy carpet to sink his toes into.

Just this.

Ben seemed surprised by Kylo’s lack of enthusiasm. “Isn’t this great? And it’s all for you. You can go as wild as you want in here, destroy everything. In fact, the walls are made of my new enhanced Vader polymer I call V-8-R, get it? Sounds like Vader? Same strength, same hardness, but easier to produce in mass quantities. So now anytime you feel like the world is just too much, you can come in here and let loose, get out all that anger, not worry about damaging anything. Junk parts are easy to get a hold of; we’ll just replace them when they get disintegrated.”

That all sounded great, and he would probably try it out in seconds because the idea of him having to give up his room and sleep out here away from the family with no bed, back to a cold corner, it was building up a steam explosion rage inside of him that could erupt any moment. Or he’d cry his eyes out, he wasn’t yet sure which. “Okay.”

Ben slumped. “Okay? Buddy, this is your very own rage room! Go ahead, try it out! Wreck something good!”

Kylo hefted his lightsaber, barely any enthusiasm behind it, and ignited. Yay. He walked over to a junk part and hit it. Lightly. Hooray. The fuck was the point anymore? He was just back where he started, but in white instead of black.

“Ky, buddy, what’s wrong? I thought you’d like it.”

The pain built up to a pressure unheard of. He deactivated his lightsaber and threw the hilt with all his might against the ship hull. It pinged off and clattered to the ground. And still that pressure built until finally, it found its release. Tears filled his eyes. “Can I at least have a real bed?!” he screeched and slammed his hand against the metal exterior.

Ben’s jaw dropped, brow crinkled, then raised high in shock. “Kylo! This isn’t your bedroom!”

He spun around, sniffled, and swallowed. “It’s not?”

“No! Like fifty times twelve to the thirteenth power no! It’s just a rage room, where you can let loose and destroy whatever you want. You still have your bedroom in the house, always, buddy.”

Kylo swallowed again and quickly wiped his tears away. “I do? Even after I broke it?”

Ben softened and put an arm around him. “Of _course_. And we’ll fix it, remember? We have some new supplies coming in tomorrow, made all that patching cement, even have some leftover V-8-R panels in case of accidental fury in the future. Hey.” He tipped Kylo’s chin to look him in the eye. “Your room will always be yours, okay? I would never cast you out like that.”

Kylo sucked in a shuddering breath. “No matter how bad I get?”

“Kylo, you’re a good man with a good heart who happens to have a lot of hurt. You’re not a bad person. So…when these things happen, it just means you need extra help, that’s all, and I want to get that for you, and I know that’s what you want, too.”

Kylo nodded. He really did want to be better, do better. Some days he did just that, and some he went backwards. But he always strove for happiness, not just for himself but for his whole family. They deserved it, especially for putting up with his antics.

Ben grasped his shoulders. “So, now that you know this is just a destruction room and not your bedroom, what do you think?” The smile and excitement were back on his face.

Kylo looked around once again, this time with new eyes, and smiled. “I love it.”

“So, try it out! Go crazy and break some shit!”

Kylo chuckled. He wanted to do just that. But first, he had to hug his brother. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, buddy.”

Kylo let him go and sucked in a long breath to still himself. Then he stretched out his hand and drew his weapon back to snap into his palm. Fiery red crackled to life, and Kylo decided the first bit of pent up rage and emotions were circling around the past few days’ events. With wild abandon, he slashed at the hull, delighting in the glowing orange, molten metal left behind. Ahhh it felt so good to just destroy, just utterly destroy like he used to, just let it all out and embrace that familiar release once again.

“Can I try?” Ben asked.

Kylo lit up. “Yeah, please!”

Ben ignited his blue saber and took a few good whacks. “Shit, this is harder than it looks. You just cut through that, huh?”

“You gotta put all your emotions behind it, all the anger, everything, just channel it right into your strikes.” He slammed a good few more into the hull.

“Uhhh…I don’t know if I have anything to be angry about.”

That sounded ridiculous. “Didn’t I just wreck my fucking room in your house?”

“But I’m not mad at that.” He paused. “But…maybe I am mad at those who made you like that. Who…” He struck hard at the hull, leaving a nice orange-edged hole. “…hurt you so bad.” Again he struck, repeatedly slamming at the hull.

Kylo could feel the Darkness rise in his brother and smiled as he let his own join in. Together, the two let everything out in that big, V-8-R protected rage room where they could just be their wild and furious selves without repercussion.

And when Ben stopped for a moment, hair drenched and maniacal, and stared back at his brother with that fury still upon his face, Kylo could finally see a real mirror image in his elder clone.

Kylo smirked. They really were so much alike, and that gave him hope he could one day be like his hero.

In his journal that night, he wrote: _I’m more like Ben than I thought, and that makes me smile._

~*~

“I think we’ll try something new today,” Dr. Lo said, “but first, how is the medication? Any side effects?”

Kylo guzzled from his water bottle and went back to his squats. “Mouth is kind of dry. I drink a lot now.”

“Okay. I’ll put in a prescription for a lozenge that can help with that, but drinking water is good. Next week we’re going to taper down the dosage on the stress medication, see how well you do.”

He rolled onto his back and moved to sit-ups. “Okay.”

“Brain scan results came back.”

“Is it bad?”

“Not about being bad or good, just a map for what we need to do. There’s evidence of damage in the areas of your fusion scars, which could be contributing to the disconnect you experienced during your stress response. You say your head hurts in that area when you get stressed?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t take much. Usually it’s mild, sometimes really bad. Medtech helps, but not all the time, not completely.”

“Okay, we’re going to try another medication to see if it will help you with that. But for today, let’s explore a new method for channeling your anger, something that goes deep into your psyche and helps you express in ways you may not have been able to do before. Would you join me at the desk?”

Kylo sprung to his feet and lumbered over to the table. A rare thing, a large sheet of dura-paper lay there with a box full of colored cylinders. “What’s this?”

“We’re going to try drawing your feelings. If it helps you, I can recommend an art therapist you can see as well as myself.”

His eye twitched as he stared at the box. “What are those things?”

Dr. Lo paused before answering. Maybe she was surprised he didn’t know. “They’re crayons. They make colorful marks on the paper.”

For some reason, his stomach disappeared. “Why? Why this?”

“Our creative sides are very close to our emotional center, and being creative can help express feeling where words fail. Some sing, some dance, some make music, and some draw. I like to start with drawing and coloring because it’s simple and quite effective. Would you like to give it a try?”

Kylo licked his extremely dry lips, his tongue fuzzy and tacky in his mouth. “I don’t draw.”

“Have you ever done it before?”

Kylo licked his lips again and swore his mouth was getting drier. “Can I have my water?”

“Of course. Bring it here.”

He dashed over to the bottle, glad to be away from the table, and guzzled a few mouthfuls. His mouth didn’t feel any less dry as he trudged back to the table.

Dr. Lo studied him. “You seem nervous. Is this your first time?”

Yes. And no. “I don’t know crayons.”

“Oh, well let me show you.” She grasped an orange cylinder and streaked it across the dura-paper. He gasped as the bright color struck a chord somewhere inside his head and heart. “See? Very simple, very colorful, no drying and no mess. Would you like to feel them?”

Kylo slipped a cylinder out of the box. Dark red, it was much smaller in his hand than hers. Warm, dry, it left no mark on his skin. He picked out more colors, holding them in his hands.

Like that time…

Like long ago…

The memory flooded back while his stomach sank in dread.

Kylo hated being alone. He wished the droids would come back, but Snoke said he was done with droids. He was a big boy now. He was supposed to study Sith, but it was boring. He wanted to play.

Kylo picked up a metal rod and swung it around. One day he’d have a lightsaber just like the big guards and would smash all the things. He couldn’t wait to be big and strong and have a lightsaber all his own, then maybe he wouldn’t be scared all the time.

Snoke said he had to stop being scared. But there was always thunder and lightning, loud sounds and big people with angry faces who called him a creature from a jar. And they didn’t have scars, so they always pointed his out. He hated his scars. They were stupid.

Kylo swung too close to the wall and left a big scratch. He didn’t know if he would get in trouble; he was always in trouble. But for some reason, the scratch reminded him of a weapon the guards used. He wanted to finish the picture, make a guard to go with the weapon. He scraped at the wall, but the rod wasn’t making any good marks, and hitting only made crazy marks.

Kylo hid behind the bars of his room until the people in the hall disappeared, then he scrambled out. He had to find something that made marks on walls. Down the hall, in the other rooms, people were moaning and crying and it smelled really bad, so he went in another direction. Here all the rooms were empty and crumbling. His tiny boots scrunched against some stones, and he saw the scuff marks they made on the rock floor. Maybe these would work.

He stuffed his pockets and ran back to his room before anyone could see him. If he got caught roaming around, they’d lock his bars again and that made him feel sad, like the people down the hall. Thankfully he made it back without catching anyone’s attention, even if he did hear soft hissing laughter somewhere in his head.

Ah, this rock was perfect! The lines came out in a rich shade of brown. Kylo made circles for heads, triangles for bodies, and added the blade to the long pole-ax the guards carried. It looked good, but it needed more. He grabbed another rock, this one closer to blue, and scraped in some eyes and fingers. Of course he had to draw a prisoner getting struck by lightning because that’s what happened when you disappointed the Great Master, and Kylo didn’t like that when it happened to him.

Another rock was kind of yellow, and he added more detail scribbles. He liked this. Making pictures made him feel good, and not a lot made him feel good, so this made him extra happy. He couldn’t wait for Snoke to see all the pretty things he made! He wanted to tell Snoke all about the story he made with pictures, how the guards brought the stupid prisoner before the Great Master who had to teach him a lesson.

Kylo felt his senses prickle and turned to see Snoke looming over him, his disfigured face not smiling, not frowning, just cold and blank. Excited, Kylo held up his rocks. “Look! I made a pretty picture! These are the guards and this is the stupid man and Great Master is zapping—”

“ _Who_ told you this was allowed?” Snoke’s voice was cold and dark. Kylo didn’t feel happy anymore.

“But it’s the guards.”

Snoke snatched his wrist. “These hands are only for holding a lightsaber, striking an enemy, and writing in Basic and Sith. You will not draw! Drawing is for the weak. Are you weak, boy?”

Kylo vehemently shook his head. “No! I’m not weak! I’m never weak! I’m a big strong boy and I’m gonna hold a lightsaber one day—”

“Not when you waste your time and energy on the whims of weak babies!”

Back in the present, Kylo tried not to crush the crayons in his hands just like his coloring rocks were destroyed under Snoke’s foot. But that was nothing compared to what happened next. Snoke cast his water bucket across his drawing, erasing the joy he had created.

That’s when he had made the worst mistake. In heartbreak, he had started crying.

Kylo lost all strength in his hands as the stark memory of Force-lightning gripped him hard. He could still feel it all these years later. The crayons dribbled through his fingers and plopped onto the floor.

“What’s coming up for you, Kylo?” Dr. Lo asked.

“The…um…” His lips felt numb, and it was hard to talk. “…last time…I drew.”

“How old were you?”

“Five.” His lips quivered, his entire body shivering. He forced out the story even as his lips refused to work properly. “I can still feel it. Right now.”

Dr. Lo actually sounded upset for once when she usually held such an air of neutral calm. “No child should ever have to suffer through that. You deserved to be treated better, Kylo. No one deserves that.”

Kylo nodded. Maybe one day he’d believe he didn’t deserve it. He wanted to, really did. But it was still hard to accept that the adults in his life were in the wrong, not him after being told all his life he deserved every moment of his pain.

Dr. Lo stood next to him, in the spot he felt most comfortable. “Let’s breathe through it, Kylo. Do you remember what we practiced? Let’s try it now.”

Kylo did his best to inhale deep into his toes, and as he exhaled, he said his name and took note of what was around him, bringing him back to the present.

“Very good,” Dr. Lo said. “You did so wonderfully.” She sat and studied him. “Does it scare you? To try to draw now?”

He felt so stupid, but she said it was a safe place and no one would ever know his true feelings. She would never tell. So he let himself nod. He wanted to draw and was terrified for no rational reason. Kylo Fucking Ren was scared to draw. What the hell was wrong with him?

“If it’s making you uncomfortable, you don’t have to do it. We can try something else.”

Kylo shook his head. “I want to. I remember…I remember being happy when I did it.” He forced out a breath. “I hate being scared…I’m not _supposed_ to be scared. I endured so much just to wind up…like this.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Kylo. You’ve shown so much courage in so many areas, it’s okay to be scared, too. Everyone is scared of something.”

“I don’t want to be scared of this. I…I want to do this.” He sucked in his lips.

“Would you like it if I helped you?”

Kylo paused, thinking, then nodded. He drew the crayons back up into his hand and sat at the table. The paper was thick and lightly rough which felt wonderful under his fingers. The crayons were long, round, and chunky in all different colors. Dr. Lo sat next to him and observed for a minute like she usually did.

“Which color would you like to try first?”

Tentatively, he reached for black. “This is the only color I knew, except my lightsaber.”

“Okay. Go ahead, make any mark you would like. It could be a line, a circle, even a little dot. You choose.”

He held the crayon. With it pointed near the paper, all he could do was tremble, the shivering coming straight from his bones.

“Would you like me to guide your hand the first time?”

Through his quivering mouth he said, “Okay.”

“May I touch your hand?”

Kylo nodded. Her tiny hand grasped his, warm and comforting like Mom’s, and she led him onto the paper. A single line in black. He shoved out a breath as if waiting for the inevitable.

But there was no pain. No yelling. No scolding or humiliation. Just a line.

“How was that?”

“Um…scary, but good.” He wanted to smile, but his body was so incredibly tense to the point it was starting to ache.

“Would you like to try a different color?”

Kylo nodded and grasped the red. “This is my favorite color.”

“It’s lovely. What will you do with it?”

Seeing as nothing bad happened the last time, he shoved out another line. Bright, gleaming red called back to him next to the black.

“How does that feel?”

Kylo took a breath as the corners of his mouth started turning up. “Good. Really good. I like red.”

“Would you like to keep using the red, or would you like to try a different color?”

Excitement flooded through him as possibilities awakened in his soul. He put down the red and picked up blue. He drew another line next to the red and chuckled as a rush of joy flooded him.

“A very nice blue. How does that color make you feel?”

“Happy. Calm. Blue is Ben.” He grabbed the yellow and made another line. “Yellow is Rey. She’s exciting. And green.” He shoved out another line, the sense of freedom in his heart like a gate flung wide open to let everything he’d been shoving inside finally free to exist. “This is Mom. She loves her garden. And this brown is for Uncle Chewy because he’s brown, and this one is for Dad because he always has that Corellian whiskey.”

“How wonderful you thought of your family with all those colors. What does it feel like to be able to do this after so many years?”

How did he articulate this feeling? How could he explain the utter joy of being able to do something he’d wanted to do his entire life? “I don’t know how to say.”

“Do you think you could draw it?”

Kylo licked his lips. “Maybe, but I don’t really know how to draw.”

“You don’t need to know how. Just mark the paper. Lines, zigzags, circles, or even just a big scribble. Let your feelings guide you, don’t try to make sense.”

Kylo licked his lips again and gazed at the colors. He grasped the yellow which felt bright like the sun and drew giant circles and spirals on the paper, digging in. He had to show exactly how wonderful it made him feel, so he had to put a lot of effort into it. And then the red, over that, points and triangles and zigzags all over the big yellow circles. Then swirls of blue, all the blue, everywhere, and that made green against the yellow, but he still had to add more green because Mom really liked her gardens, and brown in the sky because he flew with Dad and Uncle Chewy, and a square for his bed because that was his favorite thing, so soft and warm, and pink for Melanie’s hair because she made him feel good.

By the time he was done, the picture was a complete and utter mess. “I think I screwed up.”

“Why do you think you screwed up?”

“Just look at it! It’s a disaster. Nothing makes sense, it’s just a mess.”

“There was nothing to screw up. This was all about your feelings. Seems like you have a lot of big feelings that go in a lot of different directions.”

That kind of made sense. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Don’t focus on what it looks like. Tell me how it made you feel to do all that.”

He traced back to the moments it was happening and smiled. “Excited. And happy. Like I was saying things without saying them.”

“Good! Art is another form of expression, and you have a lot to express inside of you, don’t you? Things you were never allowed to say or feel before?”

He nodded. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Good. So what I’d like you to do is to do this more often. Do it every day, or as often as you’d like to, but don’t think of the outcome. Think of how you feel while doing it. Think of what comes up. And if you find yourself angry, try doing this and see if it helps you channel those strong feelings.”

Kylo frowned. “Can just drawing make me less angry? I’m _really_ angry.”

“Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The important thing is to try it and see how it feels. We’re trying to find what works for you, and you seem like you have a lot to express.”

“Oh yeah!”

“So give it a try and let me know how it works out.”

~*~

Drawing for the first time in fifteen years was fun and exhilarating, but it still left him a shaky mess the rest of the day as those old memories still rattled him. Now it was time to start repairing his room.

Ben said he could have paid someone to do it, and some things would have to be fixed by a pro, but he wanted Kylo to work on it. He said it would teach Kylo he was capable of fixing things he had broken and would be more satisfying that way.

Looking at his room, he wanted to throw up.

But Ben working beside him, removing the burnt blankets, looking up videos on how to fix the walls and the tub: it took a lot of the edge off, almost felt fun in some parts. Ben always knew how to engage Kylo in that perpetual blue Light of his.

And the upholsterer came in to fix the couch because Ben said that looked way too annoying to do on their own.

It would take a few days, but it was starting. The damage was being repaired. Maybe, if he was lucky, it was happening inside too.

Everything hit him hard again, leaving him with little appetite for dinner, but he forced himself under Ben’s watchful eyes.

Shaken from reliving the past, still heartbroken and ashamed at what he did to his room, he could only just mope on the couch.

Then Han popped in with a grin Kylo didn’t quite understand. You never knew whether Dad was going to share wisdom, piss you off, or make you laugh. “Come on, kid. I got something that’ll take your mind off everything.”

Kylo wasn’t so sure anything could get the week’s mess out of his head, but the invitation intrigued him. “Like what?”

Han projected an image from his comm and waggled his eyebrows. “Skybikes.”

Leia slapped the table. “Han, no, those things are so dangerous!”

Kylo narrowed his eyes. “Why do you want me to do something dangerous? Is it because of how I acted?”

Han rolled his eyes. “They’re not dangerous, they’re fun! Your mom just forgets what it was like to ride a speeder back in the day.”

Leia put her hands on her hips. “That was war, life or death! It was the only way we could survive. _This_ is a choice! And a dangerous one at that. Forget it.”

“Uh, last I checked, Kylo was a grown man and could make his own decisions.” He patted Kylo on the shoulder. “Come on, what do you say? Like flying the Silencer but in the open air.”

“I’m in,” Rey said. “Danger’s one of my main food groups.”

“Alright we got Rey, Kylo? Come on, kid, you’ll love it. Guaranteed.”

Ben crossed his arms. “Uh, excuse me, did you forget to ask someone?”

“Chewy already said yes.”

Ben pressed his lips together and glared at him.

“You throw up on kiddie rides. Why would you ever want to go?”

“It would just be nice to be _asked_.”

Han sighed as if he was being requested to move the planets with his bare hands. “Ben, would you like to come ride Skybikes with us?”

“No, are you crazy? I’ll barf in two seconds. Why would I ever want to do that?”

Han threw his hands up in the air.

Ben grinned. “I just like to be asked is all.”

Leia patted his arm. “Well good, that’s one less child I have to worry about up there. Damnit Han, bring my boy and girl home in one piece or I’ll knock you from here to Naboo.”

Han huffed. “What about me?”

“Oh this was your dumb idea in the first place. Whatever happens, you probably had it coming.”

“Love you too, dear.”

Kylo did not understand how any of that equated to love, but they still slept in the same bed every night, soooo…

Why was life so confusing?

~*~

At the Skybike rental shop, Kylo slid on a black C-leather jacket over his red shirt. Dad said it got chilly up in the sky, and this offered the best protection, especially against something called road rash in case he tipped over when trying to take off. Road rash sounded gross and possibly contagious, so Kylo was glad for the jacket.

Rey sported her own new C-leather jacket, except in white. Coupled with white boots that went over her knees, Kylo was doing his best not to look too long at her. How could one woman be so damn sexy no matter what she wore? The C-leather wasn’t helping those feelings at all.

The overview of how to ride and operate the Skybikes was easy. Any decent pilot could figure it out, and getting a feel for the balance on the initial two wheels was simple enough. Then it was time to pick the bike.

That wasn’t hard. His eyes immediately went to the black one with red trim bearing a matching helmet. Kylo hoisted himself over the seat and ran his hands along the smooth surface of the machine. Reminded him so much of the Silencer, and he was glad Ben insisted on keeping the ship.

Then Rey hoisted a long leg over her bike, and Kylo just wanted to die in horny heaven as she straddled the machine below her. Fuck, he really had to stop looking at her.

Helmets on, the group of four positioned themselves at the exit gate. “Ready, kids?” Han’s voice said through the helmets. “Me and Chewy will take the lead, then once you get a feel for it, you can go nuts. I won’t tell your mother, promise.”

“Sounds good,” Rey said.

“All clear,” Kylo added, his last words before he would blast off with the Silencer from the Star Destroyers. Next was usually, “Follow my lead,” but today it was his Dad’s turn for that.

Han and Chewbacca rode forward, wheels carrying them across the pavement until they picked up enough speed to take flight. Kylo nodded to Rey, who returned the greeting, and both twisted forward on the handles. Side by side they launched forward, picking up speed. Oh, this was nice. The vibrating hum beneath him, the rumble of the wheels on the road, the exhilaration as landmarks turned into a blur. Then a shift of the handles propelled them into the air.

Oh fuck yes! The freedom of the sky, the adrenaline, his concentration honed to one of his greatest strengths: the shitstorm of the past week strangled and fell behind him as he caught up to his father and uncle. A projected grid inside his visor alerted him of any other aircraft and permanent fly zones for public transports so he could avoid those, nothing he wasn’t already used to as a pilot. Only this time, he was out in the open, feeling the air rush against him as he cut through the resistance.

“Doing great, kids,” Han said. “Now, ready to go wild?”

“Always,” Rey responded.

“Hell yes,” Kylo said.

“Then go nuts. Don’t crash into anything—I don’t want to hear it from your mother—and we rendezvous in an hour at the coordinates I sent. Show me what you got, kids.”

Kylo nodded again to Rey who was still beside him, and then he thrust the handles forward. The sudden rush nearly made his dick hard, and now it was time to test this sucker to its limits. Kylo pulled into a hard right dive, then straightened before entering the transport zone. The effects of gravity gave a far different sensation than when he was in the Silencer. He could feel every dip and turn as a deep physical thrill that amplified the excitement.

He and Rey took turns dipping in and out of another’s path and got a good squawking at from Han who definitely wasn’t going to tell Mom what they were doing. That just made him want to do it more. Then he and Rey decided to do a fly-by of a public transport and received a warning on their visors that any further antagonizing of the public transportation system would result in a citation by the Hanna City police. He and Rey burst into laughter, then decided they didn’t want to upset Mom and took their shenanigans out toward the mountain range.

Here they played games of “who could get closest to the mountain,” using the Force to keep them out of any real harm, until a panicking Han begged them to stop, again citing how he didn’t want to hear it from Leia.

All this wild fun really did make him forget about the hell of the past few weeks, the last in particular.

After skirting near death about 400 times, Han led them back to the city to stop for some drinks. Kylo parked his Skybike in the lot, pulled off his helmet, and shook out his long, black waves. He hoisted his leg over the bike, and when he was on two feet once more, he couldn’t help noticing the three women with their eyes devouring him. Smiles, biting lips, Kylo was at least starting to understand certain types of body language, especially that which made his pants tighten.

A curling finger waved him over, and he realized he’d be stupid not to oblige. He strolled over, heavy boots clomping against the ground, and stopped with one hand on his hip. Now, what was it he was supposed to do? “Hi.”

“Hi yourself,” the first woman said, her eyes roving down his body.

Another cocked her long hair back over her shoulder. “Hey, what gives you the right to look so damn good on that Skybike?”

Uhhhhh…was that a serious question? Was he supposed to have permission for something? Oh hell, why did he keep getting himself into these situations? Better come up with something… “ _I_ do.” It sounded stupid when it left his mouth, but something came over them. Their smiles broadened, bodies melting and canting towards him. Oh shit.

One of them sat on her Skybike and hoisted one leg up on the back end, the sudden visual access to just about everything she had to offer turning his tight C-leather pants into a torture device. She motioned with her finger once again. “How about you and me go put that pretty little mouth of yours to work?”

Ohhhh shit!

The second one pouted. “No fair. Why do you get him and we don’t?”

The third one shrugged. “Unless he can handle all three of us at once.”

Kylo’s mouth fell open and stayed there. This was not at all what he expected. Ever. He tried to speak, but only a soft, “Buh?” came out.

“Kylo, everything okay?”

Oh damnit, why did Rey have to show up?! “I’m-I’m—I’m fine.”

The woman on the Skybike sighed. “Are you with her?”

Kylo quickly scoffed. “What? No!”

Just as he was about to tell Rey to get lost, she slapped a hand onto his chest. “Kylo? A word?”

She pulled him aside, and he couldn’t help clenching his teeth as he spat, “What?!”

“Ky, those women clearly want to fuck you twelve ways sideways.”

Oh thank the Force he was reading them correctly. “Yeah, and?”

“Are you sure you’re ready for that? And before you say it, being with Melanie doesn’t count. These women are plenty experienced and will have expectations. Are you ready to be meeting them yet?”

He wanted to. He really, _really_ wanted to. But she was right. They were way out of his current league. His manhood straining against the tightness of his pants, he gave the three women a broken smile. “Maybe some other time.”

The disappointment was clear in their rolling eyes and growls. They quickly got on their Skybikes and rode off.

Damnit.

Rey patted his chest. “You’ll get there some day. Still got a lot of work to do on yourself first.”

Kylo sighed and stared at the empty space that just moments earlier had three women that wanted to wrap themselves around him. Fuck!

Trying not to literally bite something or someone, he charged into the bar alongside Rey.

~*~

Kylo tipped a bottle of Hyper-Fuel to his mouth while grinding, aggressive music pounded out of the speakers of the bar. Rey had suggested something vaguely alcoholic, like a wine spritzer, but he flat out refused. First of all, Hyper-Fuel already relaxed him for some reason while giving him some well-needed clarity. Second, this place was full of rough folk, and the last thing he needed was to burst into tears in front of them. He did enough of that on the Falcon during the whole Palpatine adventure.

It did feel good to get that all out, though.

Han and Chewbacca had their usual Corellian whiskey, and Rey had something called Jakku Desert Spice. Whatever it was, it burned the living hell out of his throat when he tasted it, but she just cackled and gulped it down like it was nothing.

Pirates.

“What kind of music is this?” he asked her.

“They call it Heavy Durasteel.”

Kylo nodded. “I like it. I feel it really speaks to the aggression in me, like someone truly understands my desire to punch someone in the face.”

“That it does.” She tossed back the last of her drink and slammed the cup on the table. “Imma go get myself a refill.”

He eyed her in concern. “You sure you should ride a Skybike after drinking that much?”

Rey snorted. “I flew the Rock Hound ship on a lot more than this and didn’t crash into shit. I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t worry,” Chewbacca said, “I have the lead key. We can set her and Han to autopilot and follow us back. The Skybikes won’t give them control if they sense too much alcohol per weight and species.”

Kylo nodded, hoping he understood his uncle properly. His eyes were fixed on Rey, and not for the previous reason of finding her entirely too entrancing in white C-leather. Problem was others were having the same reaction, evidenced by the two men leaning entirely too close to her.

Rey regarded them, snorted and shook her head, then waved them off. The men looked at one another, then leaned in even closer, one actually putting a hand on her shoulder.

Oh no.

No one but Ben got to touch Rey.

Kylo made his way over in a few long strides, just as Rey’s lip was curling into a snarl. In height and frame, he dwarfed the two men as he growled inches from their faces. “She’s taken.”

They turned as if hardly impressed, but flinched once they saw his eyes. One thing he was known for was exhibiting pure death in his glare.

And then one was stupid enough to speak. “That so?”

Kylo had spent weeks on the edge of pure destruction, hostility boiling in his veins, and this stupid fuck decided to tempt fate. “Walk away or I will snap your fucking necks before you can take your next breath.”

That must have hit home. Hands went up, and the men slid away.

Rey’s response was not what he expected. “Really, Ky? I was planning to kick their asses myself.” She knocked back a mouthful of her newly presented drink. “Now I’m bored.”

Kylo’s face screwed up in confusion. “Sorry?”

Once the server was off to take care of someone else, she turned and leaned her back against the bar. “Know what I haven’t had in a long time? A good drunken bar fight.”

Kylo shifted. “I don’t think Mom and Ben would like it very much if we did that.”

Rey waggled her eyebrows as she clicked her teeth against her glass. “Who’s gonna tell?” She nodded toward Han and Chewbacca. “They won’t.”

She was making a _lot_ of sense! Kylo wondered how one started a bar fight, but he didn’t have to for long.

Rey chuckled as she tipped her chin toward the group of five heading their way, led by the two men who crossed Rey’s boundaries. “Just try not to kill anyone. Then it becomes a problem.”

The man who had the audacity to open his mouth the first time did it again. “Whose necks you gonna snap now?”

The music continued pounding out that delicious fury. Kylo and Rey looked at one another and grinned.

~*~

Kylo smashed his adversary through a table, and Rey used the Force to fling one right into the ceiling. Chewbacca launched an entire table at someone while Han gathered up his ill-gotten winnings from Sabacc. Chaos, bottles flying, men flying, all while that music roared, the singer saying how the jungle was going to bring them to their sha-na-na-na-na-na knees or something.

The crowd control droids came rolling out, spraying a mist in the air. Han grabbed Kylo and Rey by the arms and hauled them outside. “Come on, kids! That shit’ll knock you out and leave you ripe for the cops. Let’s get on out of here before your mother hears about it.”

Kylo couldn’t stop his giggling as he leapt onto his Skybike. Rey leapt into the air with a flip to land on hers with a whoop of delight. Han fell onto his Skybike before he could get on it, and Chewbacca flashed Kylo a wiggle of the master key. Belting systems sprung up and wrapped around Rey’s and Han’s laps and waist to keep them from flying off once the bikes started rolling.

With a nod, knowing Rey and Dad would be safe from their own drunken antics, Kylo slipped on his helmet and roared his Skybike into life. As they picked up speed, Rey cried out in glee, her arms out against the increasing wind. Kylo used the Force to shove her toward the handles and stuck the helmet on her head, all the while still giggling nonstop. 

Kylo bore the widest smile and cheered as he put his Skybike into full speed and lifted into the air.

~*~

“Don’t tell me you drove those drunk!” Leia said with her usual smacks she reserved for Han.

“I made sure they stayed safe,” Chewbacca said.

Ben at least met them with a grin. “Hey guys! How were those Sky—”

Rey leapt onto him, tongue immediately down his throat. Ben slammed backwards against the wall, his eyes wide in surprise, then closed them as he pulled Rey against his body. He broke from her kiss with a smacking sound. “That good, huh?”

Rey pulled his hair back, exposing his throat. “I’m full of Desert Spice and aggression, and I want to finish it on you.”

Ben waggled his eyebrows. “Well, who am I to argue? Night everybody!” He just as soon stopped himself. “Hey Ky, you have a good time? Got your mind off of things for a while?”

Kylo gave him a full, genuine smile. “It was just what I needed. Have a good night; tell you all about it tomorrow.”

“Okay, goodn—” His mouth was suddenly full of Rey, and he stumbled down the hallways carrying her.

Leia grasped his arm. “Well I’m glad to see you’re not falling over like those two. Did you have fun out there?”

Kylo nodded. “I did. It’s not so bad, especially if you’re a pilot. Between my skills and the Force?” He patted her on the shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about, not with me.”

“Well good, because I wouldn’t want anything to happen to my baby boy.” She pulled him down to kiss him on the cheek. “Now that I know you’re all safe, I’m off to bed. Goodnight, my fudgy little brownie.”

He grinned, loving when she called him that. “Night, Mom.”

Kylo entered his temporary bedroom, took one look at Melanie, and decided he wasn’t done having fun for the night. “Hey Melanie, can you rush at me, leap into my arms, and kiss me with drunken abandon?”

Melanie clasped her metal hands together in delight. “I would absolutely love to!” Just as he asked, she leapt into his arms, and he aimed to devour her just like Ben did Rey. “Okay, can you pull my hair back in a sexy manner and tell me all the things you want to do to me?”

Kylo’s head was jerked back. But while Melanie went on and on about what she would do to his body, things he hoped to have had with those three women, something didn’t feel right. “Wait, stop.” She let go, and he thought for a moment. “I want to pull your hair back just like that.”

“Okay!”

Kylo sunk his fingers into her pink locks and tugged her head back. Ohhhh that did something. A surge of power thrust right into his manhood, filling him instantly. Time to try the other part of it. “I am going to throw you on that bed and lick every surface you have, then fuck you until the floor collapses.” At another surge of sexual power, he realized something. Ben seemed to enjoy being overpowered by Rey, who he could tell very much liked to be the one in charge.

As for himself?

He liked that kind of power, too. Never to hurt, only to play. And right now he was hopped up on adrenaline and a well-needed fistfight and needed to play hard.

“I’m at your mercy,” Melanie whispered ever so sweetly.

Oh yeah. That would do.

Kylo took two huge stomps and tossed her onto the bed before gripping at his belt.

~*~

Kylo was sure he destroyed the supports of the bed that time, but despite all that fun, he was still ramped up. Sleep was not coming any time soon.

He projected his journal from the comm and thought a moment before writing: _I didn’t kill anyone._

That was good, and true, but when he really thought of himself that day, he tapped at his comm again: _I’m an excellent pilot._

And then: _Women think I’m sexy._

For a change, he was smiling regarding himself. After closing the projection, he lay there, still wide awake. Oh, he was so not getting to sleep any time soon.

Then he got an idea.

He climbed out of bed, found his underpants dangling from a wall sconce, and slipped them on as to not have a frozen ass at the desk. He pulled out a sheet of dura-paper and the set of crayons his therapist had given him to keep at home when needed.

The urge to create, to draw, to just express, it flooded him without end, and its only satiety would be in the actual doing. But it was hard to get started. Despite the rainbow of creative tools in front of him, he was yet again plagued by excruciating memories. His hand hovered over the crayons, and he just watched as his fingers trembled in the air.

Kylo clenched his teeth down on the quivering overtaking his jaw. He could do this before, he could do it again. _You have no power here, Snoke. You have no more power over me. I killed you before, and every time I grow, I kill you again. And one day you’ll stay dead, and I’ll stop shaking._ He sucked in a breath, forced out a growl, and reached down before anything could stop him again.

First, he grasped the light blue, the color of the sky, and filled his paper with broad spirals. Then black and red for a Skybike that looked nothing like a Skybike, but it didn’t matter because this was for him and no one else, and he’d always know what it was. White and yellow for Rey, Dad and Uncle Chewy had brown and silver Skybikes. Then he needed to add the mountains and the lines that showed how close they got to them, then crazy circles and triangles and a hell of a lot more spirals to represent the bar fight.

Finally ending in pink, then red for himself wrapped all over the pink. And his underpants on a wall sconce.

When done, he regarded his masterpiece—a complete and unholy mess. To the untrained eye, anyway.

To him, it was happiness. The past few weeks had been shitty, but it ended here, with fun, with a family that understood him. Finally, he found a way to express the depth of happiness he felt. And no one could take that away from him ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh bby boi Ky, you are so sexy and squishable when you're not wrecking the house. My most favorite "need to squish a Ky" moment was when he thought the rage room was his bedroom and asked if he could at least have a bed. Poor boy has such a hard time believing anyone will continue to be kind to him. That and when he made the pancakes as a colossal achievement.
> 
> I hope I didn't sadden you all too much with the abuse memory (I actually toned it down.) The "drawing to channel anger" thing was a modality a therapist of mine had suggested that I actually found helpful in a way I couldn't rationally explain, and I wanted to open Ky to all kinds of creative outlets he wasn't allowed to explore before.
> 
> Ah Skybikes. At first I thought of them as having no wheels, just a fancy type of speeder. But then I was fiddling with the 3D program and couldn't get the wheels off the futuristic motorcycle and have it still look good after. I decided I wanted them to have wheels anyway, because honestly, hot leathered-up Kylo in knee-high boots straddling a motorcycle does something to me. I would 100% be the 3 women ogling him.
> 
> Song referenced was "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns n Roses, and I imagine the first song Kylo heard was probably something like "Walk" from Pantera.
> 
> Next week we'll lighten up a little (but still our angsty boy is angsty) and add some lightsaber action to the mix. Our trio will be visiting the Jedi Temple to get some information, see Finn and Jannah, argue with Luke, and meet Luke's star pupil. Hm, is someone going to get chased with a lightsaber again?
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	7. Jedis are Jerks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ben squeezed his shoulders. “It’s alright, Ky. He won’t do anything to hurt you.” Then he muttered, “Not unless you blow up the temple…”_
> 
> A visit to the Jedi Temple introduces Kylo to Uncle Luke's snark firsthand. But it's the top student who really knocks Kylo off his feet.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for PTSD, flashbacks, disconnect from reality, self-harm.
> 
> This chapter will be brighter than last week's, but poor Ky is still going to go through some stuff towards the end.
> 
> In a change of pace, the second half of the chapter is going to switch to Ben's POV and will be marked with an underlined Ben.

“Just remember, don’t open Airlock Two!” Ben called as Kylo prepared the Falcon for landing.

Rey giggled behind the pilot’s seat. “Just like old times, us together on the ship. I missed this.”

Han snorted in the co-pilot seat before knocking back his glass of Corellian whiskey. “Missed the whining, complaining about the food, the commandeering of the airlocks, and airsickness every time we land or take off?”

“Hey, when it’s just us four, it’s fun in that way that only hardened warriors like us can understand. But when Ben’s with us, I don’t know, it’s something special. Remember, he and I fell in love on this ship. It has special meaning for us.”

“I get it,” Kylo said. “This was my first stop after Ben asked me to come home with him. I transformed on that trip, and he was beside me for every moment.” Kylo shrugged. “Ben makes everything better.”

Han huffed. “Try cooking for him sometime. Ossus ahead, everyone prep for landing.”

Kylo adjusted for the gravitational pull of the planet and slipped through its upper atmosphere. He had never been to Ossus, never even really met his Uncle Luke. The mysterious Jedi Master didn’t stick around for the after-party on Ajan Kloss.

What would he think of Kylo—a Sith trained warrior of the Dark Side of the Force, in direct opposition to everything the Jedi stood for? Kylo wasn’t looking for a fight with his uncle, but he had to keep it as a possibility in the back of his head.

Ben entered the cockpit and strapped himself in as the Jedi Temple appeared as a tiny silhouette on the horizon. “Well, this brings back memories.”

Rey turned to him with a smile. “When you finally came into your power to save me, blasting Luke Skywalker across the field and drawing your lightsaber to you. When you stood before me like that, saber up and ready to fight, that was perfection.”

“Awww.” Ben reached over and took her hand. “Actually, I was thinking of how Uncle Luke and Dad kept making fun of me and you stepped up to put a stop to it. You always made me feel like a man, and I loved you every moment for it.”

Kylo tensed. “Is Uncle Luke going to make fun of me? I don’t like being humiliated.” He jammed the thruster back a little harder than he meant to, making the crew lurch forward as the Falcon slowed too quickly.

“Relax, buddy. Uncle Luke doesn’t know you enough to make fun of you, and Dad knows better. Can’t guarantee they won’t start in on me though.”

Han turned. “We were all different people back then. As long as you don’t don that stupid parasol—”

“Dad! It’s bright on Ossus! The sun’s blaring as we speak!”

“Isn’t shrouding yourself in all black good enough?”

“Hey! I’m wearing a blue short-sleeved shirt today!”

“Did Mommy put your sunblock on you?”

“No!” A moment later. “Rey did…”

Kylo grinned as he shifted the Falcon into a vertical descent. “Ten seconds to landfall.” He settled the ship down with barely a thump and extended the ramp.

Kylo stuck his fingertips in his pockets as he followed his family across the field. The Jedi Temple was nothing like the Sith Temple on Exegol. The architecture was brighter and rounder, no darkness or jagged lines. Still, the concept alone put him on edge. The memories of having his entire life hijacked for someone else’s goal weighed heavily on his shoulders.

The bearded elder man in cream robes led the way, but a familiar pair sprinted ahead of him with smiles on their faces.

“Finn!” Ben called with his arms out.

“Rey!” Jannah called, likewise.

Ben gave his friend a giant bear hug, then switched places with Rey. The former space pirate crossed her arms. “So, how’s the Temple treating you?”

“Hard,” Finn said, “but worth every moment. I’ve learned so much, I’ll have to show you.”

“And I’m getting better every day,” Jannah said. “Nowhere near Finn’s level, but he had a great teacher in you for a few years, so he’s way ahead of me.”

Luke patted them both on the back. “Nothing more training won’t solve. Rey, how are you doing?”

“Just fine,” Rey responded, still without an ounce of reverence, treating him as her equal. “I’m much better than I was the last time we met in this space. Helpful when your evil grandfather is finally dust.”

“The galaxy owes its peace to you—” He turned to Ben. “—and of course to you. How you doing, Ben?”

The two men shared a hug. “I’m good! Definitely a lot better than the last time. Full powers, dead Palpatine, got the girl, I’m good!”

“I’m still so proud of everything you’ve become and everything you did. I’ll be honest, even just a few months ago, if anyone told me Ben Solo would go up against Darth Sidious and win, I would have been dead of sheer laughter.”

Kylo tensed. He didn’t like anyone laughing at his brother.

“But you became everything we ever wished you would—” He tilted his head from side to side. “—granted without much training from me, ironically.”

Ben shrugged. “Rey’s been incredible. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it without her.” He put his arm around his woman. “Her and Kylo. The two of them brought out the best in me.”

Uncle Luke’s eyes finally lit on him. “Ah yes, Kylo, the lost brother. How have you been holding up since the battle?”

Kylo kept himself somewhat shrouded in his hanging black hair as he shrugged. “Okay.”

“How’s life on the outside treating you?”

Kylo nodded. “I like it. It’s confusing and hard, but I like it. I like life now.” He could feel something along the Force, around him, seeping into him, and immediately shut it out with a slam. He watched as Luke’s eyes flinched. “Don’t cross my boundaries.”

Ben squeezed his shoulders. “It’s alright, Ky. He won’t do anything to hurt you.” Then he muttered, “Not unless you blow up the temple…”

Luke smiled, but Kylo didn’t trust it. He couldn’t trust anyone that chased Ben with a lightsaber _twice_. “I was just trying to get a feel for where your energies are at, Kylo. Still heavily lies in the Dark, yet…” He narrowed his eyes in thought. “…you don’t come across as a Sith or Darksider.”

Rey gave Kylo a hard pat on the arm in solidarity. “We’re not all out for power grabs and self serving, Luke. For some of us it’s part of our nature, only we control _it_ , we don’t let it control us.”

“It’s a much stronger part of his nature than yours, then. He’s as much Dark as Ben is Light.”

“So what?!” Kylo spat.

Ben held him close and spoke gently in his ear. “Kylo, it’s okay. He’s not trying to insult you, he’s just trying to understand you.” Ben picked his head up and turned his attention to Luke. “Uncle Luke has a dark side himself, just like me. We are Skywalkers, after all.”

Luke smiled and patted Ben on the arm. “That we are. You know, Kylo, this school is always open to you, too, if you ever want to learn how to balance the Force within you.”

Kylo didn’t trust any of it. “I’m fine.”

Luke nodded with an odd twinkle in his eye. “Okay. Just remember, the door is always open. You are my nephew.”

Han huffed. “Well I wouldn’t go chasing that one with a lightsaber.”

Finn nodded. “Yeah, no one in their right mind should ever chase Kylo Ren with a lightsaber.”

“Solo,” Kylo said. “I’m Kylo Organa Solo now.”

Finn smiled. “I like that name much better.”

Kylo broke into a smile for the first time. He always liked Finn, you know, once Kylo stopped thinking of him as Resistance scum.

Rey elbowed Jannah in the arm. “So, you and Finn still a thing or did Captain Cockblocker here put a stop to that?”

Ben’s hands flung to his mouth, bursting into giggles, and Kylo had to join him. Finn sucked in his lips, eyes shut tight, trying to hold in his own laughter.

Luke tossed his hands into the air. “Why is this rumor still going around? I never said anyone had to be celibate. That was old Jedi structure, and it was doomed to fail. All I ever said was that it’s hard to go around space, fighting the scourges of the galaxy, with a toddler clinging to your leg. I told the two of them from the beginning, I won’t interfere as long as it doesn’t interfere with your training. _That’s all._ ”

Han snorted and stuck his fingertips in his pockets. “You telling me you actually took those robes off at some point?”

“How is that anyone’s business, especially yours?”

“Just as I thought—” He turned to Ben. “—hey kid! Looks like someone beat your virginity record.”

Ben’s fists immediately balled. “Shut UP, Dad!”

“Han, grow up,” Luke said. “I swear you haven’t changed in thirty years—”

Han huffed. “At least I’ve done it in those thirty years—”

“I have had girlfriends, Han. Just because I dedicated myself to the temple doesn’t mean I don’t—”

“What, did my kid build you a sexbot army too?”

Ben gritted his teeth. “SHUT UP, Dad!”

“I _have_ a girlfriend,” Luke said, leaning toward Han. “Her name is Mara Jade, thank you very much.”

Han elbowed Chewbacca. “Ain’t that cute? He picked such a pretty name for his left hand.”

“Force-damnit, Han, I’M NOT A VIRGIN!”

Silence, all except for Han who let out a long wheezing sound with his eyes and mouth shut tight. Kylo wasn’t sure whether or not he should laugh, especially because he still _was_ a virgin.

After fixing his uniform and clearing his throat, Luke crossed his arms and arched back. “So, Ben, you’re looking for some Jedi Holocrons?”

“Yeah,” Ben said, coughing off a few chuckles while Rey stomped off cackling. “I need to cross reference some material we found, not getting the answers in what we took from the Sith Temple.”

Luke sighed. “Ben, you really should give me what you found over there. It’s not safe to just keep around.”

“Uncle Luke! We need it! I told you, Rey and Kylo need my help, and this whole thing is Force related. Second, it’s not like I’m just leaving it lying around the house like a conversation piece.”

“Ben—”

“Master Luke!”

Luke turned and waved, and when he looked back at the group, he had a broad smile on his face. “Everyone, I’d like to introduce my top student. This is Kira Solana. She comes from New Alderaan, interestingly enough.”

The world stopped when Kira finally jogged over. It wasn’t her big, sharp, turquoise eyes that held Kylo spellbound. It wasn’t the tall, warrior physique that reminded him so much of Rey’s. It wasn’t the bright, curious but determined face.

It was her hair.

Cropped short with a long, thin braid trailing over her shoulder, it was a bright shade of blue that changed colors in the light, from greens to violets and every blue in between, just like the _canaba_ butterfly Mom had shown him. Looking at her, he felt the same magnificence he felt when the butterfly opened its wings and took flight.

The cool blue also reminded him of the ocean, that day at the beach, the best day he’d ever had.

“Kira,” Luke said, “this is my sister’s family: my brother-in-law Han Solo and our old friend Chewbacca.”

Her smile was one of strength and pride. “Heroes of the Galactic Civil War. It’s an honor to meet those who served beside Master Luke and saved the galaxy from tyranny.”

“This is their son Ben, his girlfriend Rey, and his recently added brother, Kylo.”

“It’s an honor.” Her lip quirked. “You’re the same Ben Solo that destroyed the Jedi Temple in 17ABY.”

Ben clenched his teeth as he looked at Luke. “Do you have to tell everyone about that?!”

Luke had no sympathy for Ben. “I have a commemorative plaque detailing exactly what happened and by whom.”

Kira strutted up to Ben, and she hardly had to look up. “I hear before your untimely departure, you were one of the top students here. Master Luke called you a scholar.”

Ben put his hand behind his head and tried to keep the smugness out of his grin. “Oh, well, you know, I’m actually Dr. Ben Solo, I have a PhD in physics and chemistry, and also majored in electric engineering and computer science, but when I was here, I just inhaled all the Jedi texts and holocrons. I couldn’t get enough knowledge. Was insatiable for it.”

“Oh, I can understand that. I’ve probably been through the texts about five times.”

“Six for me. Except for the book on dyads, I read that one a seventh time. Which was a good thing, considering how things panned out. I guess the Force was guiding me all along.”

“I think that one was lost in the explosion.”

“Oh, no problem, I still remember it from the first page. Table of contents, introduction to Force dyads. Page five, history of Force dyads. Page fifteen, the source—”

“I’d love to pick your brain for all that was lost, that and the other books. Have you recorded any holocrons on it?”

“I…haven’t. Spent so much time away from the Jedi teachings, I never thought to do so.”

“Would probably be a good idea. There’s so much missing, and if you have the…”

Kylo completely lost interest in the conversation that now seemed to be dominated by the two scholars, but his interest in this new person didn’t wane at all. She was pretty, sure, but he found most girls attractive. And it wasn’t just the hair—that was the catalyst for whatever he was feeling. It was something else, something he couldn’t place. He almost wanted to reach out on the Force and feel his way about it, but he had to respect her boundaries just like he wanted others to respect his.

Luke coughed. “Not to interrupt the two of you patting yourselves on the back, but Ben, did you want to come in and find what you need?”

Ben just barely looked over Kira’s head. “Uh, yeah. We can always continue this conversation along the way, right?”

“Of course,” Kira said. “I really want to get some info on Tridex Fields. Oh, and we got a bunch of new books and holocrons in since you were last here. Anything you want to know, I’m your source!”

Finn said, “And while they’re yapping on endlessly about things I’ll probably never study, Rey, me and Jannah can show you around. It’s actually pretty interesting inside.”

Rey shrugged. “Eh, why not? I wouldn’t mind seeing some of the training rooms. Always been curious about Jedi toilets, too.”

Jannah laughed. “They’re…interesting.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “They serve their purpose, for the love of—come on.” He waved them onward.

Kylo didn’t move. “Ben?”

His brother turned. “Yeah, buddy?”

He felt like shit for saying it, but… “I don’t want to go in.”

“Buddy, it will be fine. You won’t burn up into ash or anything.”

Rey snorted. “With all this cushy Light Side stuff, you’re more likely to burst into a fluffy pile of porgs.”

Luke pointed his finger. “Porgs are assholes. Don’t let the cute factor fool you.”

Kylo waved Ben off. “Just go ahead. I’ll wait out here.”

Ben stepped in close to him, softening his voice. “You sure? Nothing will happen to you in there if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

A spike of pain flashed along Kylo’s scar. He pressed his palm against his forehead and growled. How did he explain how he felt? He spent his entire life in pure hatred for the Jedi who, he was told, would destroy him the moment they laid eyes on him. Luke Skywalker was a mortal enemy to be turned or destroyed. Any allowance of the Light side of the Force into one’s being was punishable by torture. While he no longer believed all the lies Palpatine told him, it was ingrained in his nerves. His body was reacting to the situation even though his mind knew better.

Ben gripped his shoulders and nodded. “Okay Ky, I’ll stay out here with you, keep you company.”

Kylo whipped his head back and forth. “No! You need that information! For Rey, remember?”

“And you.”

Kylo sighed. “Yeah.”

“Uncle Luke? Could you maybe bring the holocrons and books out here? I need to stay with Kylo; he’s not feeling up to a tour right now.”

Luke sighed. “Indulging him like your mother indulges you?”

A bite of fury snapped into Kylo, and he flashed his eyes up in Luke’s direction. Ben immediately stood in front of him, blocking his view, and giving him a hug.

“Just relax, buddy,” Ben’s soothing voice crooned. “Let me handle him, okay? He’s just being his usual smartass self.” Ben turned, and instead of the banter Kylo usually heard with Han, Ben’s voice took on a serious and commanding tone Kylo had only last heard when he addressed the Resistance. “I am not indulging him. Kylo is still learning to understand his feelings and not strike out like he was taught, okay? There’s no need to be rude about it. He doesn’t like that, and I’m not exactly fond of it myself.”

Luke’s ever-watchful eyes scanned over the both of them. Without changing expression, he turned around. “My apologies, Ben. I’ll go get what you need. Everyone else, gather round for the grand tour.”

“With all respect, Master Luke,” Kira said, “I’d very much like to stay out here and talk to Ben some more.”

Luke waved her off. “You’re an adult going on a year now, Kira. You don’t need my permission to talk to someone.”

Rey turned, walking backwards. “I’m sure I don’t have to mention that any attempts to even breathe near my boyfriend romantically will end with gunshots and lightsaber burns.”

Luke sighed as he looked at her. “Really?”

Han huffed. “Surprised she hasn’t pulled her guns already.”

Kira turned to her with a smile, all professionalism. “You don’t have to worry about that, Rey. I am forever married to the Jedi way and no other.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Sounds terribly boring, but I respect your choice and am glad I don’t have to shoot anyone today.” She turned around and caught up with Finn and Jannah.

Ben stood with wide eyes in pure shock that the previous exchange just happened. “Uhhh…Rey’s…a former space pirate.”

Kira nodded. “She’s strong and protective. I like her. Shall we sit? I’m curious what you remember about portals.”

“Oh, well we can go in two directions on that one, the Jedi text version and the scientific one! How much do you know about wormholes and vergence fields?”

The three sat for a while, but it was mostly Ben and Kira that held each other in deep conversation about physics, planetary and Republic law, the Light side of the Force, and history. Kylo didn’t know much about those topics, but if they needed the Dark side version of things, he could actually add to the conversation.

“I’m a stickler for the rules,” Kira said.

“Oh my stars, me too!” Ben replied, so damn excited. “Everywhere I go, I need to know what I can and can’t do. I actually try to find a rulebook or sign or something. I find it relaxing to know the rules, so I know I’m not breaking any. I hate getting in trouble.”

“Me too! It’s so reassuring to know in advance what behavior and actions are appropriate. I actually have read law books for fun, just to understand what is proper and improper but also to get a better idea of the history of our people.”

“Ohhhh I destroyed the Chandrilian law library. Not like, here, the Jedi Temple, I mean figuratively of course. That and the building code put out by the Galactic Republic after the Temple…never mind.”

“And I burned through all the law books of Alderaan, both new and backup copies of the old, before the destruction. The history and tradition contained in there, as well as comparisons to modern law for the settlements, it’s incredibly fascinating. Did you know…”

Kylo was absolutely lost to this conversation. He had been raised to look at rules as something to be overpowered. Everything they talked about just confused him more. Unable to sit still any longer, Kylo placed his hands against the earth and started doing pushups. He needed to work off both the boredom and the tension of before. Family or not, he had a hard time trusting Luke. Maybe it was the joking nature Kylo didn’t fully understand yet, maybe it was having been raised in direct opposition to everything Luke taught, but a good portion was dedicated to how he treated Ben in the past, and the little barbs now. Ben may have been used to it, but Kylo would never accept anyone being mean to his brother.

And Luke had no right to go sensing around his energies. Kylo had to keep himself locked tight.

“Are you feeling a bit left out?” Kira asked, not unkindly. “I guess we’ve gotten rather deep in our conversation here.”

Before Kylo could answer, Ben took up the helm. “His body runs at a megalight rating of 400, just like my mind does. He keeps moving and I keep talking.”

“It’s a good thing. Kylo, you’re clearly well-toned. Got a warrior’s body.”

Whoa, she noticed his body?

“Your lightsaber, is that a cross-guard?”

Kylo finally stopped exercising and sat. “Yeah. It vents the unstable energies of my kyber crystal to keep the blade honed properly.”

Kira quirked her head. “Why would your kyber crystal be unstable?”

“It’s cracked. Happened when I was forming it.”

She looked even more confused. “Forming it?”

Ben jumped in. “ _Long_ story. I like the gold on your hilt. Does it have any special meaning?”

Kira grinned in pride. “It’s an homage to the mighty Mace Windu. He’s one of my heroes. I’ve spent my life devouring all the history I can find of the days when the Jedi were a massive presence, their council headed by the likes of Master Windu and Master Yoda. I just can’t get enough of those stories.” She flipped her long, thin braid. “I even grew this like the padawans of old used to wear, even though Master Luke doesn’t require it. After my trials, I will cut it off, as was tradition.” She sighed. “I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong time. I’d do anything to have been alive during that age, to dedicate myself to a path so steeped in deep tradition.”

Ben shook his head. “Isn’t that what you’re doing now?”

“Well…Master Luke is incredible, don’t get me wrong, but he’s…not quite in step with the old ways of the Jedi.” She leaned in close. “Not for nothing, but I swear he glosses over half the information in texts.”

Ben dropped his jaw. “ _Right?_ I kept telling him that and he kept saying, ‘Shut up, Ben!’ Well I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees it.”

“I have _devoured_ the holocrons we found, some of them detailing the laws and political leanings of the old Jedi. I don’t know why he just ignores it, saying it’s great for historical study but doesn’t apply today. How could something so incredible that lasted for so many years not apply now?”

Kylo knew the answer to that one. “Because the Jedi were so absorbed in their own supremacy, they failed to see what was lying in wait for them. It was hubris that did them in, while the Sith under Darth Sidious grew in political power right under their noses. The Jedi were doomed to fail because of their own rigidity, making them blind to the possibility that the Sith could rise to power again without them noticing.”

Her eyes bore into him, and while Kylo had yet to really understand emotions and body language, he knew anger when he saw it. But truth was truth. He may have a hard time keeping up with Chandrilian school, but he studied well in the Sith Temple.

Ben must have sensed the sudden tension as he glanced back and forth between them. “Uh, I think what Uncle Luke is trying to do is to avoid any failures of the past so the Jedi can grow in a new direction. After all, he _would_ know firsthand where the problems lie. He was taught not only by Yoda but also Obi Wan Kenobi, both of the old Galactic Republic. I mean yeah, it’s infuriating when he glosses over the hows and ways of the Force, but I think he’s mindful of where the Jedi went wrong and wants to avoid that in the future.”

Kira finally stopped glaring at Kylo. “Understandable, I suppose. So Ben, I know you’re a scientist and own your own company, but how’d you get there from training as a Jedi?”

“It’s complicated, but basically my powers were suppressed until, uhhhh, a few months ago, from when I was five.”

“Wait, what?”

“Uncle Luke did it as the request of my parents. Palpatine, you know, who we just defeated—”

“Yes, of course. Master Luke joined in the battle, set me in charge of the school and its protection in his stead.”

“Yeah, well Palpatine had been getting to me through the Force, trying to turn me to the Dark Side probably from birth, but it just kept getting worse the older I got. They had visions of what I would become and clamped down my powers so he couldn’t get in. Only they never _told_ me, and I figured I was just a giant fail of a Jedi. So after the school…you know…and Uncle Luke came after me with his lightsaber, I never wanted to go back.” He shrugged. “Just focused on my scientific side after that.”

“Yes, but now that you have your powers and your lightsaber, why aren’t you out there serving as a warrior on the side of good? It seems a waste of your power and talents to just, I don’t know, do nothing with it.”

Ben shrugged. “I’m already doing good for the galaxy with my scientific pursuits. My powers are a tool to me, not a way of life. I’m already living the life I want to live.”

Kira shook her head, a tinge frustrated, and turned to Kylo. “And what about you? You must have sufficient powers and capability. Have you considered joining us here to serve the galaxy?”

Kylo shoved his hand through his hair. “I already took part in saving the galaxy. Right now I just want to live, just have a normal life.”

“There is no normal life for those called by the Force.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve never _had_ a normal or real life until now.”

Kira narrowed her eyes, baffled, and it was Ben who jumped in again. “Kylo’s…been through some bad stuff, raised in a place no child should be raised. He barely knew the simple pleasures of real food, a hot shower, or sunshine on his skin, not that I enjoy _that_ , but still.”

Kira still bore a look of confusion. “Where did you come from, then? I mean, the two of you are identical, like twins, but Kylo, you were raised somewhere else?”

“He’s actually ten years younger than me. We’re not twins, he’s my clone.”

She gasped as if she had been personally offended. “Cloning! That’s impossible. The New Galactic Republic expressly forbids it!”

“Yeah, well, tell that to those who did it anyway, which is why we’re here. Rey is descended from a clone, and both she and Kylo have a genetic problem on account of it. The Force is involved, and I’m missing some key information that could help us figure out how to help them. After the battle on Exegol, we found the lab and holocrons detailing what was done, but there’s some information we don’t understand, was hoping the Jedi texts would help shed light on what I’m looking at.”

“Why didn’t you bring them here? Jedi holocrons should really be kept in the Temple archives.”

Kylo answered. “They’re Sith holocrons.” Ben shot him a look, but Kylo just shrugged. It was the truth.

“Sith holocrons? How can you even open those, let alone understand the language? It’s a lost tongue, forbidden across the galaxy.”

“It’s not lost. I can understand it and speak it.”

Kira was silent for a moment. “How?”

Ben shifted. “Um, Kylo—”

“I was raised on Exegol.” There was no point in watering down the truth. “Under Palpatine. He was kept alive through a cloned body, and I was cloned from Ben’s DNA to serve as Rey’s dyad when they had lost the ability to manipulate Ben. I was required to learn the language so I could study the texts and holocrons. I’ve been the one translating for Ben, you know, between my school duties and trying to understand normal life, going out and experiencing things—”

A flash of blue and he rolled to his feet, dodging out of the way right before Kira’s blue lightsaber blade hummed through the air where he had been split seconds prior. He dodged the next few swings, but she was fast. On the next strike, he swung out with his cross-guard blade, fiery red meeting icy blue.

Her wide, furious eyes glanced at his blade. “I knew it! I could sense it on the Force, but I never _believed_ that anyone associated with Master Luke could be a Sith!” She struck at him again, and he was forced to defend himself.

“WHOA!” Ben cried, leaping to his feet. “Kira, stop! That’s my brother!”

Kira slammed at Kylo with speed and fury, the likes of which he had only seen in his greatest opponent—Rey. “It’s people like him who decimated the galaxy! Brought it to its knees! People like him are why my home planet was blasted into oblivion!”

Kylo struck back with all the power in him, not to kill, but just to overpower, disarm, so he could end this fight and just…well he didn’t know what to do after, but for now he just had to stay alive.

She was good. Damn good.

“He’s not that way!” Ben cried. “Not anymore—you don’t understand, he didn’t have a choice! He was forced into it!”

Kira was merciless in her strikes, agile and quick yet strong with power behind each strike. “Everyone has a choice! How many people did you kill, huh?! How many died by your hand?!”

The accusation, the memories stung and hard. And choice?! When his was starvation/torture/death or kill? Some fucking choice.

He had been trying to leave that life behind, but this was one reminder that it was something he could never do. Pardons by the New Galactic Republic didn’t erase the blood from his hands.

He slid to a stop and turned to her. “A lot.” Kylo flung her back with the Force, but she merely countered, her feet digging into the ground and scraping sod along their path. Finally she found her footing and pushed back.

Holy shit. She was strong.

She narrowed her eyes. “Then you’ve done nothing but PROVE MY POINT! No Sith may be left alive! To protect the galaxy at large, I WILL END YOU MYSELF!”

“HE IS NOT A SITH!” Ben screamed, his fists clenched. “He’s a good person. He’s loving and kind, and if you knew anything about him, you’d see that! Just stop this and we’ll show you who he really is!”

Kira narrowed her eyes and shoved Kylo hard with the Force, making his feet skid in the dirt. “I know _exactly_ who he is!”

Ben gripped his lightsaber and ignited, blue coming to life as he stood beside his brother. “No you DON’T! And I won’t let you hurt him!”

Kylo loved his brother dearly, and he loved that Ben cared about him enough to stand beside him in battle. But he also loved his brother enough to keep him the hell out of this fight. “Ben, get away from here! NOW!”

Ben fended off two strikes from Kira, stumbling backwards on the last. “You don’t have to fight her alone!”

Kylo had to slide in and redirect the battle, getting Kira’s full attention once again. “Ben, she’s strong, and I can’t let you get hurt. Please, this is what I was bred to do. Let me end this.”

Ben stared at him in such pain but nodded and stepped back.

Good, that gave Kylo room to work, and by now, he knew had no choice. If he was going to survive this, he had to lean into his Darkness, let her taste it for real. He flooded himself with his shadowy power and forced a grip around her body as he had once done to Ben. He really didn’t want to hurt her, but he had to immobilize her, disarm her, get her to stop.

Kira gasped as her body clenched, her arms pinned to her sides. With his red blade screaming for battle and the Darkness pumping through his blood, he had to fight the urge to just crush her as he had done so many times. 

Shock and fear in her face melted into determination and fight. With a thrust of power, she forced his grip off of him. Kylo couldn’t believe the raw flood of strength that poured out of her.

It was like being knocked over by that wave at the beach. There was no stopping her once she let her full power flow.

Her blast of Force knocked his right back at him, sending him tumbling. He leapt up just in time to meet her overhead strike and throw it off. Every swing of his saber she met, and every blast of Force he threw at her, she countered.

It was like fighting Rey all over again on Kef Bir.

And just like then, he really didn’t want to hurt Kira, but he was losing ground against her incredible fighting capability and Force power.

Kira gripped him in a wave of energy and slammed him onto the ground, making him nearly lose his lightsaber. She really was like fighting the ocean.

“KIRA STOP!” Ben screamed. “He can’t use too much Force, it will kill him! JUST STOP!”

She swung hard and Kylo blocked from his position on the ground, but he was losing strength against her blows. A few more strikes he shoved off, and then she lifted him into the air and slammed him one more time, this time knocking the saber right out of his hand as he landed painfully against his right side, where all his fusion scars lay. She flung his weapon far away, gripped him in a massive Force hold, and raised her saber high.

“The Sith,” she growled, “will not rise again!”

“NOOOO!” Ben screamed and blasted her far across the field.

Kylo propped himself on the ground, panting. This felt familiar. Too familiar. He had been here before. Yes, he had been defeated before, just like this.

The light of the sky faded in and out. One moment it was there, the other it was a darkened chamber. Sky, then chamber with a giant hole in the top. Sky, then the lightning in the darkness of Exegol.

_“Weak, pathetic creature!”_ Snoke had screamed at him long ago. _“Not even human! Not even worthy to be considered human!_ _You do nothing but consistently fail!”_

Sky. Sith Temple.

_“Punishment for losing a battle will be worse than the battle itself!”_

Sky. Ben with his hand out against Kira. Sith Temple. Snoke.

_“Why am I wasting my energy punishing you? You are the one that failed! You will punish yourself from now on!”_

Sky. Ben with his hand out and Kira doing the same. Gold lightsaber in the distance. Sith Temple. Snoke looming over him.

_“The smart thing to do is to show the Great Master that you understand the magnitude of your failures. Punish yourself before him. Punish yourself hard, for if you don’t, he will punish you harder.”_

Sky. Ben. Rey. Luke. Kira. Finn.

Sith Temple. Lying on the floor. Defeated by Rey. Palpatine looming from above.

_“Worthless failed experiment that you are. You have always been a waste of flesh and resources. Bested by a girl half your size with no training. How can you ever consider yourself worthy of serving by my side when you do nothing but FAIL!”_

Kylo gasped for breath as he beheld his master. If he did not do this himself, he knew what awaited—force lightning screaming into every nerve of his body, a pain unlike any other clenching every muscle, weakening him for what was yet to come, lying there helpless against the durasteel boots of the Praetorian guard.

“You are right, my master!” he cried. “I have failed you! I have always failed you! I am unworthy of you and deserve only pain for my continued failures!”

With a curled fist, he slammed into his own ribs over and over, changing tactics to strike against his fusion scar to show he was serious about his own pain, then returning to show his devotion to his own suffering to please his master.

Until pain became a blur. All became a blur.

~*~

Ben

Ben could not figure out how a conversation with someone intellectually on par with him could suddenly turn into a fight to the death, but there they were. He knew Kylo shouldn’t have brought up anything about him being raised as a Sith, especially in front of anyone from the Jedi Temple who didn’t know the truth. Kylo had yet to understand why he had to be quiet about some things, especially Ben’s record setting with Melanie.

No time for that. Kira was beating the hell out of Kylo who was clearly trying to hold back. Ironic. The benevolent Light Side Jedi mercilessly attacking a Sith student who was trying not to hurt her.

He had no idea what to do. Screaming at her wasn’t helping. Pulling out his lightsaber was a joke, and while it hurt that Kylo had told him to back off, he knew his little brother was only looking out for him. Kylo clearly wanted to handle it, and he was far better at this shit than Ben was.

It was about when the two of them started using the Force against each other that Ben knew Kylo was in trouble. His brother wouldn’t be able to hold the battle much longer. It was Rey versus Luke all over again, only Luke swore he wasn’t going to end her.

Kira was dead serious.

Ben screamed one more time to warn her that making him use his powers could kill him, but that’s exactly what she wanted.

He had to act. He knew he had to act. And when she flung Kylo up on the force and slammed him back down, knocking his saber far away, he knew he had both waited too long and would do anything to save him.

Just like on Ossus the last time.

“NOOOO!” he screamed and drew from the depth of his well of power. He flung it at her just as hard as he flung Luke, blasting her just as far. He hated having to do that. They were having such a good time together, discussing so many varied topics, it was rare to meet someone who could match him intellectually and keep him engaged.

And then she flipped in the air, landed on her feet, and shoved just as hard back at him. A walloping blast of Force pummeled hard against him, and he had to draw his up once more to counter it. Harder she pushed, so he had to draw it up even stronger.

Damnit, she matched him again! He had no choice. He’d have to hold her still and keep her forced back just like they have to tackle Kylo sometimes to keep him from hurting himself. Ben drew deep from his well, Light and Dark, and curled his energy around her, freezing it like stone.

With a roar she…pushed…back…

Oh shit…

Ben held it, held it tight. He was keeping her still, but her arms were starting to break the hold. The strain against his energy field was massive. He had never met someone so strong since Rey or Palpatine. Holy shit!

_Honey. Darling. Love of my life. I’m kind of in a giant shitheap of trouble outside and I think I need your help!_

_Ben? What the hell, what’s going on?_

_It’s Kira. She went after Kylo, trying to kill him for his Sith stuff, and—Rey, she’s strong, really fucking strong. I’m holding her and I won’t be able to much longer. You have to get Luke out here, quick!_

_Fuck Luke, I’ll be there in just a sec._

_Rey, please be careful, she’s really strong._

_Aw, you’re so cute._

Ben felt his bond open up, Rey’s energy flowing to his, Darkness to Light, Light to Darkness. Good, at least she wasn’t using her own power. Generating energy, perfect! Ben used it to increase his hold on Kira who finally looked concerned that she was losing this battle.

Rey came running out, lightsaber blazing. _Let her go. I got this._

Ben released the hold, and instead of looking an ounce winded, Kira launched right into battle, fending off Rey’s attack. After a good few rounds, Ben could see the hunter’s gaze come alive in his piratey beloved. Rey had truly met her match.

And he couldn’t let that battle continue either. Rey was just as at risk as Kylo. He should have never let that hold go.

Just as he was about to rectify that mistake, Luke screamed, “KIRA SOLANA! STAND DOWN!”

Kira froze in one last strike against Rey and whipped herself around with a frustrated growl. “Master Luke! That man is a Sith, and these two are teeming with the Dark Side of the Force!”

“Thank you for telling me everything I already knew.”

“You _KNEW?!_ ”

“Of course I knew. And who gave you the instruction or the right to go attacking anyone because of it?”

Ben had no time to listen to Uncle Luke scream at his student, as satisfying as it felt. He had heard Kylo yelling some crazy shit about his master but couldn’t check on him. When Ben turned, he saw Kylo’s eyes blank while he pounded his fist into his side, then a few more into his head right at his scar.

“KYLO! NO!” Ben dashed over and grabbed Kylo’s arm to keep him from striking himself again. Kylo howled in fury and wrenched hard against him, trying to break free. “Kylo! Kylo, it’s Ben! Stop hurting yourself!”

“The Master will PUNISH ME WORSE IF I DON’T DO THIS!” Kylo roared and wrenched so hard he sent Ben flying backwards. That fist immediately went right back into striking himself. “WEAK! PATHETIC! UNWORTHY!”

“KYLO STOP!” Ben grabbed at him again and realized he’d need more than his own body strength to keep Kylo still. He pressed the Force onto his brother, holding him still, holding his arm down while Ben hugged him tightly.

“LET ME GO! LET ME FUCKING GO!” Kylo screamed again, wrenching so hard against the hold the veins stood out in his neck, face crimson, so desperate to hurt himself.

“What’s the matter?!” Kira cried, still high on her self-righteousness. “Sith can’t take getting their asses kicked?!”

Ben felt a cold wash of fury pour through him, the likes of which he hadn’t experienced since fighting Palpatine. He whipped his head in her direction, and the glare he gave her must have been impressive for she actually flinched and stepped back. “He is having a mental breakdown right now! Can you show a little compassion for fuck's sake?!”

For whatever reason, that got her to back down, and Luke had yet another furious conversation with her. Rey made some threat if Kira opened her fucking mouth one more time, and now Rey and Luke were arguing, but Ben couldn’t deal with that right now. Kylo was still trapped in an episode and wasn’t coming out. Maybe that hit he took on the ground left him in some kind of daze.

“Kylo, please! It’s Ben! I’m right here. I’m right with you, buddy.” He squeezed his eyes shut as he held his screaming brother. “Please come back to me, Ky. You’re safe, I promise. I love you and you are loved and I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I’m sorry Ky, I’m so sorry I didn’t stop it soon enough. Buddy, please snap out of it!”

In the background, he heard Rey shouting, “—because the last time he was defeated like this was by me. Palpatine and his guards tortured him for it!”

Ben continued to hold and rock Kylo while his brother still strained with his arm, still fought to attack himself. The entire experience must have weighed on him. Spending his whole life raised by the Sith in the Dark Side of the Force, confronted with a Jedi Temple, not sure how he fit into all of it, afraid of his place in it all. And then this nutbasket comes out and tries to kill him.

And according to Rey, it sparked memories of a similar situation and wasn’t letting him return.

“Buddy please…please hear me. You’re safe now. You’re with Ben. We’ll go home, rest in your nice warm bed. Mom will make you a delicious dinner, your favorite, then take you in her garden but I won’t go because everything scares me in there.”

He felt Kylo’s muscles loosen, his limbs quieting. Finally something was working. “Maybe Dad will take you out for Skybikes or you can fly the Falcon or the Silencer with him. Or how about the beach? Remember that day? We had so much fun, went underwater and saw the fish. Remember when you got me up on that waterslide and we fell down and slid the whole way without a tube?”

Kylo softened, his breaths picking up. “Ben?”

“Yeah buddy, I’m here. I got you.”

“Where am I?”

“We’re still on Ossus.”

Kylo opened his eyes and looked around. “It turned into Exegol before.”

“Only in your mind, buddy. Just a trick of your mind. You are never going back to Exegol.”

Kylo let out a keening whimper, his body shaking. “Then why do I keep winding up there?” He buried his tears on Ben’s shoulder.

Ben stroked his head. “We’re still working on it, Ky. _You’re_ still working on it. It’s going to take a while to stop going there in your head, but I know how hard you are trying and how much you don’t want to go.”

“I hate it Ben,” he cried into Ben’s chest. “I just want it to stop.”

“I know buddy. I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, ouch, sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger! First of all, this week is nuts to begin with, but this chapter was originally huge and I had to split it.
> 
> Yeesh, what's the deal with Kira, huh? Poor Ky can't catch a break (though at this point that should probably be the title of this story.) 
> 
> In regards to forming the kyber crystal, it's in reference to SW Legends, now of course I can't recall the specific page on wookieepedia I got it from (and knowing my brain, I could have just combined stuff and remembered it wrong LOL.) It said something to the effect that the Sith aren't called to kyber crystals like Jedis are and formed their own. So I'm going based more off of this concept than what is considered canon now. There will be more about that in the next chapter, but if I caught you in a "huh?" moment, that's where I was going with this.
> 
> Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of this chapter! Will Kylo be okay? Does he need 1000 boo-boo kisses? (yes) Will we find out why Kira is such a rabid she-wolf? Will Rey rip her face off? Is Mara Jade a hand? Will Han ever stop being such a pain in the ass? (the answer to that is no, no he won't.)
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	8. The Ben is Mightier than the Saber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will it take to get the furious Jedi to back down? Ben has an answer and she's not going to like it. But it may just be the catalyst needed for two polar opposites to find common ground.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last week: Kira, top student at the Jedi Temple, went nuts and attacked Kylo after finding out he was raised in the Sith Temple. The attack left Kylo in a downward spiral, thrust into another flashback Ben had to pull him out of. Rey couldn't wait to slash Kira into pieces until Luke intervened, and Han made life miserable for everyone yet again (but that's not news.) 
> 
> No TWs for this chapter (that I can ascertain) except a mention by Kylo that he knew he had to stop hurting himself.

Kylo could hear the approaching footsteps and tried to stop his crying. He hated when anyone saw him weakened, especially that crazy Jedi girl.

He hid beneath his mop of hair and ran a quick visual survey of who was approaching. Pretty much everyone except Kira. That was good, but he still wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with Uncle Luke, who was at the head of the pack.

The old Jedi knelt before him. “Kylo? You okay?”

He couldn’t answer. A tear trickled down his nose and dangled from the tip. He wasn’t okay, not in any way. Bred for war and brutally trained from childhood, he _still_ failed, just like against Rey. That was one part. Another was the sheer fact that he would always be judged by things he had no control over. His past would always come out to strike at him. Yet another was the sheer humiliation. Mighty Kylo Fucking Ren, Supreme Leader of the Final Order, just got his ass kicked by a padawan Jedi. If not for Ben getting involved, he might not have made it out of that battle alive.

But most of all was the disconnect from reality again, going back to Exegol against his will, trapped in a memory and hurting himself and others in the process. Why did he have to be so fucking damaged?

Speaking of damage, searing pain traveled up his side and along his head and face. In some vague recollection he might have been hitting himself, but he wasn’t entirely sure.

It hurt worse than it ever did if that’s what he’d done. Throbbing spikes of agony flashed along his ribs and scar line.

Luke’s hand touched his shoulder, and if Kylo wasn’t in so much misery, he would have lashed out and started another battle. Maybe Luke meant well, but Kylo was having a really hard time trusting any Jedi, especially his uncle, the man he had been bred to destroy on sight. Didn’t help that Uncle Luke tried probing his energies without permission. That was just rude.

“I’m really sorry for this, Kylo,” Luke said. “I promise you, I have never taught my students to attack like this—”

Someone came stomping over, and Kylo could sense the sudden shift in tension in everyone around him. “So we just let tyranny grow and fester?!” Kira shouted, infuriated. “It only takes one, Master! IT ONLY TAKES ONE!”

Luke rolled his eyes and stood. “Kira, whatever it is you think is happening, it’s not. Enough already.”

“The Jedi of old would never have let this go!”

“The Jedi of old are _gone!_ If you want to train at this temple, you need to abide by the rules I set forth, not generations past.”

Kira threw her arms up and stomped away.

Ben glared, arm still firmly wrapped around Kylo. “What exactly _is_ her problem, anyway?”

Luke shook his head. “She has incredible skill and power, but came in with the wrong attitude. I’ve been trying to work with her for years on it. This is her behaving better, sad to say. I keep telling her she’s hindering herself with her narrow-mindedness, but it falls on deaf ears. She won’t pass her trials like this, and she knows it.”

Finn knelt to get to Kylo’s level. “I remember when Jannah and I first came here, hoo boy, did she grill us about our allegiance to the Light side of the Force. She wouldn’t even train or help us until we assured her we didn’t have an ounce of Darkness in us.”

“Stupid,” Rey spat. “True power lies in embracing both. She’s deluding herself.”

Luke sighed. “True power lies in mastering ourselves and how we use the Force.”

“I wasn’t asking for your opinion.”

Luke groaned. “Please, I got enough with that one, don’t need a war with you, too.” He squatted in front of Kylo once more. “How you doing there, kid? Up to talking yet?”

Kylo kept his face hidden and shook his head. He really wished they would all just go away, just leave him with Ben so he could calm down and maybe ask for a med-tech because he was really in pain and didn’t want anyone to know he was weakened.

And then came the stomps again, damnit! Kira was still furious, like a flood that kept destroying everything in its path until it was done and drained. “And what will you do when he revives the Final Order, huh Master? Because that’s the next step. That’s ALWAYS the next step for those who crave power. Gather an army, build the numbers, operate in secret—”

Luke stood again. “For the love of the Force, knock it off! Or you’re going to be on extra cleaning duty again.”

Huh, Kylo didn’t peg Miss Sanctimonious for a troublemaker.

Kira stepped forward and hovered over Kylo. He didn’t want to look at her, but he had to watch for any further attacks. “So where’s your army? Back on Exegol? You planning a resurgence—”

Oh he was so tired of being accused of this shit. He clenched his teeth. “I blew up the fucking Sith Temple on Exegol! I destroyed it all! FUCK OFF!”

Her hand went right to her lightsaber. “Tell me to fuck off—”

She froze at Luke’s finger in her face. “No! You can take some time now to go meditate on your actions today—”

“I don’t need to! I’m in the right!”

“You’re fucking deluded!” Rey said. “Meditation is the least of what you need, you judgmental bitch—”

In a flash, Kira had her lightsaber ignited and Rey had the same, her left hand aiming her gun.

Han snorted. “Wow Luke, you’re real good at this.”

Luke’s face screwed into a vat of fury. “Shut UP, Han!” With a sigh he stood between Rey and Kira, his eyes burning holes in his student. “Kira, if you do not do as you are commanded, this will be your last day at this Temple.”

Kira gasped. “Master!”

“I mean it. It was one thing when it was just talk, but you are attacking my family, and I will not have it.”

She clicked off her lightsaber and hung it back on her belt. “He said himself he was trained by Palpatine! He is Darth Sidious’ apprentice! How can you honestly look me in the eye and say that’s okay?!”

“Because we should all have the opportunity to give up our harmful ways and choose to do good. My father was Darth Vader. I know more than anyone that even when mired in the deepest of evil, if you have good in you, you should be given the chance to choose that path and atone for your actions. My father chose love as his last act in his life.”

Ben jumped in. “Kylo is choosing love every day, and you have no right to judge him, especially without knowing a damn thing about him. He didn’t choose to command the Final Order or serve Palpatine. And he is doing what he can to leave that all behind.”

Kira gave an incredulous laugh. “Leave it behind? YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT WAS LEFT BEHIND?!” She pointed a viciously accusing finger at Kylo. “Your Darkside Imperial scum BLEW UP MY MOTHER’S HOME PLANET! She was lucky she was off-planet when Alderaan was struck, or I wouldn’t even BE HERE right now! She lost EVERYTHING! My entire FAMILY! My HISTORY! ALL destroyed by power-hungry Siths and you dare, you DARE show up here with it racing in your blood?!”

Suddenly, her fury made sense. If Kylo thought about it, were the situations reversed, he’d be out for blood, too. If his mother, except for a technicality, could have been killed because her planet got blown up, he’d probably be just as pissed as Kira was.

Wait a minute…

“Alderaan,” Ben said, and chuckled incredulously. “Oh, that’s right.”

Oh the icy fury that glowed in Kira’s eyes. “WHAT is so fucking funny about that?!”

“Didn’t Uncle Luke tell you?” Ben pointed to himself. “ _My_ mother is from Alderaan.” He pointed between himself and Kylo. “ _Our_ mother is from Alderaan.”

Ohhhh that did something. Kira tilted her head up, straightened, and shifted backward without breaking eye contact. “Right. I…recall.”

Ben chuckled again. “Yeah, Kira. She watched her home planet explode before her eyes, while Darth Vader held her captive aboard the Death Star. She lost her parents, her home, her everything—” He snapped his fingers. “—in seconds. You want to take a wild guess as to who I’m talking about?”

All expressions fell from Kira’s paling face.

Luke glared at her with his arms crossed. “Looks like someone, in her self-righteousness, forgot who my nephews come from.” 

Ben was near giddy. “Yep. Our mother. Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. In fact! I suppose one could say that you just attacked the Prince of Alderaan. A prince of your home planet.” Ben rocked Kylo with his arm, his face so smug Kylo could actually see just a hint of evil in his brother’s usually bright demeanor. “In fact, I wonder, and you may know this very well, what is the penalty for attacking a sovereign of Alderaan?” The cold gleam in Ben’s dark eyes almost gave Kylo a chill.

Kira was frozen in place, just breathing. Kylo recalled what she said earlier, about being terrified of breaking the rules. What must she be feeling knowing she broke full blown laws?

Kylo never thought of himself as a prince, but he supposed it was true and actually came in handy.

Rey stuck her finger up. “You know who might know the law regarding that? Leia herself! Hey Ben, why don’t we go ahead and give her a call on the comm, ask her what the going rate in prison is for attacking an Alderaanian prince who also happens to be her son.”

Luke waved his arms in protest. “No, please, _don’t_ get Leia involved! That’s all I need to hear it from her because yet another one of her sons got chased by a lightsaber at the Temple.”

Ben sneered at him. “And whose fault were the first two?”

Luke paused. “…yours?”

Ben was clearly gearing up for another verbal war based on his clenching teeth and face sticking out, but was interrupted by Kira. She licked her lips and had a hard time speaking again. “She knows? Princess Leia knows what you are—”

“And _loves_ him,” Ben said. “She knows. They were at war against each other. He said some very nasty things to her, attacked her ship, and she forgave him and brought him home and loves him, knowing everything about where he came from and what he did. You want to defend Alderaan so badly? Take a few lessons from the princess herself. You can start with listening and compassion. Try it sometime.”

Kylo didn’t know what it was, but when Ben was defending him, his brother became something so much bigger, so much more powerful and commanding, perhaps showing that spark of being the first in line Prince of Alderaan. It made Kylo wonder what it would have been like to grow up with him, to have someone defend him and stand by his side against all those who wanted to hurt him.

And Kylo would have defended Ben too, beating the shit out of anyone who tried to hurt him.

At least he had Ben now.

Kira diminished, turned, and walked away, her head hung, her steps weak until she broke into a jog, then a run.

Weird, Kylo kind of felt bad for her. Maybe it was that compassion thing Ben said mom had.

Luke watched her go, then spun back around. “Seriously, is anyone going to tell Leia about this? Because I really don’t want to get into it with her.”

Han huffed. “Think you’re more scared of her than I am.”

“Are you still nursing that head wound from when she found out about all that crap you pulled?”

Han shifted. “Shut up, Luke.”

Ben hoisted himself to his feet and grasped Kylo under the arm. “Come on buddy, why don’t we go—”

Kylo broke into a pained grunt, the pull putting way too much pressure against his badly aching ribs. Damn, either he was getting soft, or he was injured worse than he thought.

“Ky? What’s wrong? What hurts?” Kylo just shook his head and got Ben’s fatherly, “Kylo?” in response.

With a sigh, Kylo just gave in. “It’s my ribs. And my face and head.”

Ben’s eyes trailed over him before shaking his head. “You’re swollen all along your scar line. Lift your shirt, let me see.” Kylo did as commanded and received a sigh. “Ky, it’s really red and swollen. We need to get this checked out.”

Kylo whipped his head back and forth to protest, but a flash of searing flames through his skull stopped that. He growled as he pressed his hand to his head.

Moments later, Kylo was off his feet and floating in the air. Uncle Luke had his hand raised as he cocked his head toward the temple. “Come on, kid, we can have the med droid meet us outside if you don’t want to go in, okay?”

“Yeah,” Kylo grunted, his hand to his face, arm protecting his tender ribs. At least being carried like this didn’t make the pain worse. The group walked beside him as he floated toward the temple. Just about at the door, a brassy droid stepped out, pulling a gurney along with him.

Luke set him onto it with incredible gentleness, and maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. Kylo groaned as he settled, the pain really starting to throb.

“Please move your arm aside,” the droid said. “This scan won’t hurt a bit.” Kylo waited as its wand-like hand waved over his skin, not touching it but close enough to feel warmth.

Only a few minutes passed when the droid projected the results. “Two ribs are fractured, and there are hairline fractures about the cheek and forehead at areas of underlying indentations.”

Ben sighed and shook his head. “Kyyy, you know you’re not supposed to hurt yourself. The doctor said your bones can’t handle this sort of thing right now, remember?”

Finn frowned. “I thought it was from the battle.”

“Some of it could have been, he did hit the ground pretty hard, but the rest…”

Kylo hung his head and winced at the pain. “I’m sorry.”

Ben brushed a hand over his head, and it felt so good, almost enough that he didn’t feel that pain for a second. “Don’t apologize, Ky. Just worried about you, and I hate seeing you in pain like this.”

The droid said, “We can give him an injection for the pain and bind his chest until his ribs heal.”

Rey stepped forward. “I can heal him.”

“No!” both Kylo and Ben said at once, but it was Ben who continued. “Rey, you can’t dip your powers like that.”

“I can if you keep me charged up.”

“That won’t be necessary.” It was a voice no one wanted to hear, but Kylo was intrigued. Kira stepped closer and met everyone’s eyes just briefly before turning her gaze to Kylo’s chest. “I can do it. I can heal him. Least I can do.”

Rey narrowed her eyes. “You heal?”

Kira nodded. “I found a holocron detailing how to do it. It’s difficult, but I managed to master the version that combines the energy from yourself with the free-flowing Force around you. Not as draining as using solely your own energy.”

Rey crossed her arms. “Yeah, well not all of us had holocrons at our disposal. Some of us had to teach ourselves just about everything we know.”

Kira briefly met her eyes and almost smiled. “I’m not putting your style down. Just…discussing.” She spread out her hands over Kylo’s chest and finally looked at him. “May I?”

Rey tipped her head toward Kira. “Ky, you want this?”

Kylo was fighting between wanting to ignite his lightsaber in prep for battle and just letting her touch him. Somehow, the soft warmth of imagining her hands on him won out over self-preservation. He nodded.

Kira’s hands hovered just above his tender, swollen skin, far enough that it didn’t hurt but close enough that he could feel tingling heat pouring from her hands. Her eyes closed, and a soft and tranquil glow came about her that brought him back to the initial feelings he had when he saw her—a gentle awe, like seeing a field of wildflowers in the summer heat.

He sucked in and let out a breath as terrible pain eased into a dull ache and then a relieving comfort. Her hands then trailed up to his face where that same tingling heat eased the electric throbbing.

Kira sucked in a breath and backed away, her hands on her knees.

Luke placed his hand upon her back. “You alright? Did you do too much?”

“I’m fine,” she whispered, but she didn’t seem like it. She backed up a little more and knelt, her hands still on her knees, eyes closed, breathing as if trying to draw the Force back up through her once more.

Kylo found himself concerned for her. “Thank you.”

She smiled and nodded, her head remaining hung. “Least I could do after everything I’ve done.”

“Why do it at all?” Rey asked. “For someone who thought he should die a few minutes ago, now you’re healing him? Finding out he’s a prince have something to do with it?”

“Long story,” Kira forced out. “I need to regain a little strength before I tell it. But let’s just say…compassion.” She shook her head. “I allowed myself to act without it for too long.”

~*~

A good half hour had passed while Kira remained in a meditative state that must have been restorative. She didn’t return to her furious fighting self, but at least she was functional and able to speak. Regardless, for a good while, she listened instead of saying anything, which seemed to be a rare shift. Ben, Rey, and Kylo all took turns explaining where he came from, what he went through, and the changes he had been trying to make since leaving Exegol, as well as the deadly disorder he faced. She seemed to absorb all that was said, perhaps even felt remorseful, and yes, compassionate.

Kira kept her head down. “I am truly sorry for my behavior. I was out of line. I disrespected Master Luke’s teachings, this temple, the crown of Alderaan, and you all.”

“And Kylo,” Rey bit.

Kira sighed and lowered her voice. “Especially Kylo.”

Kylo didn’t know what to do with her apology. She didn’t even offer to fix it! But who was he to judge? He shoved Dad off a bridge, almost killed him. Dad forgave him, and Kylo certainly didn’t know how to fix that mess.

“Apologies are just words,” Rey said, still a pit of fury. “You attacked him with no provocation, fought my Ben, who is the sweetest, gentlest person in the galaxy. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t change anything.”

Kira glanced at her. “You too. You forgot I fought you, too.”

Rey shrugged. “Well, damn, that was fun. Been a while since I had an opponent on my level.”

Kira broke into a smile, then tamped it down. “I have to admit, I was impressed, with all three of you, actually. Ben’s exceptionally strong in the Force, you’re incredible on the battlefield as well as the Force. I’ll be honest, I expected to have the hardest time against Kylo. I wasn’t expecting him to be the weakest—”

That’s it. “I am NOT WEAK!” Kylo clenched his fists. Why did she insist on egging him into battle every chance she got?

Ben’s arm wrapped around him. “Of course not, Kylo. You have never been weak. She doesn’t realize how much you were holding back.”

Kira shifted and gave an incredulous, short laugh. “That’s absurd. We were engaged in life or death combat. It would make no sense for him to hold back—especially someone with such Dark energy!”

“That’s just it! You don’t know anything about those whose energies include the Dark Side of the Force, and you don’t know _him_. You may have been trying to kill him, but he didn’t want to hurt you. He could have! He really could have unleashed the full brunt of his power against you, but he only wanted to defend himself, make you stop.”

Rey nodded. “He did the same in battle against me. Even on Kef Bir when yeah, I lost my fucking mind and was really trying to kill him. Hmph, you’re lucky Luke came in when he did. I don’t hold back, and I’ve killed just as much as he has. No one was even forcing my hand like Palpatine forced his.” Rey licked her lips. “What do you think of that?”

Kira heaved in a breath. “I don’t understand any of it. All three of you have the Darkness in you, varying degrees, but it’s there. Yet you just live your lives as if there isn’t something evil lying beneath your surface.”

“It’s not evil,” Ben said, that same command and conviction as before. “Dark isn’t evil. Light isn’t good. Both can be used for immoral reasons, both can be used to help.” He turned to Luke. “Just what have you been teaching here?”

Luke pointed. “Hey! I never taught any of that. I’ve been trying to drill it out of this one’s skull since day one. The Dark is the most _likely_ to be used for evil, but in itself it is not. It flows in me too. I’ve always said that, Kira. You know that.”

Kira huffed. “Well I didn’t believe you! It made no sense.”

“My father was Darth Vader. It makes perfect sense. It’s our choices that determine good and evil, not our energies.”

Kira forced out a breath, gripping the ends of her Jedi robes. “I’ve been raised my whole life to hate anything having to do with the Sith or Dark Side. The only reason my mother is alive is because she had been off world when Alderaan was struck. She lost everything, her home, her family, her sense of safety, her sense of self. She drilled it into me from day one, that the Dark Side was evil and dangerous and only led to destruction. All the history agreed. What was I supposed to think?”

Kylo had no answer. He had been conditioned his entire life to see the Light side of the Force and the Jedi as weak and useless, impotent and doomed to fail against the might of the Dark.

Kira continued. “When my mother saw my powers erupt, she was scared. But I made sure I only did kind and gentle things with it, so she would see that I wasn’t going to be evil and I didn’t have to be feared. If I was passive and gracious and giving, she would see me as…” She swallowed. “…still worthy. Eventually she became happy about it, because now I could use it to defeat the scourge that was the Dark Side. Once she learned of the Jedi Temple, she immediately sent me, making me promise I would give myself only to the Light and defeat any resurgence of the Dark. No mercy. She said that those who refused to have any for others shouldn’t have it shown to them.”

Kira shook her head. “My mother always thought I was too weak to do what needed to be done, that my caring and compassion would be my undoing when faced with a Darksider, so I had to prove her wrong. Show her I was everything she wanted me to be.

“Being a Jedi, it gave me a sense of superiority, especially with how strong my powers got. I knew once I completed my trials and became a true Knight, I would be unstoppable, out there ridding the galaxy of Dark Side scum.” She chuckled. “I hated it when Master Luke made me stay behind to guard and run the Temple. I wanted to face Palpatine myself. I truly believed that I was meant to be the one to destroy him for good.”

Ben shook his head. “I couldn’t have done it alone. Nor could Rey. And we both needed Kylo or we would have been doomed. If not for him, we would have failed, and this galaxy would have been thrust into disaster. Kylo used his Darkness to be the hero. Rey and I used our balance of Dark and Light to defeat Palpatine. I’m sorry you’ve been taught wrong all your life, but that’s the truth. As a sensible, intelligent person that I know you are, surely you see evidence to the contrary of what you’ve always accepted to be true, and now you must consider a critical reinterpretation of the information.”

Uh oh, Ben started using the big words, which meant he was about to get into a massive argument.

Instead, Kira nodded. “I suppose you’re right. It’s just hard, when you spend your whole life learning one way of being…I guess that’s hard for any of you to understand.”

Not for Kylo. “You’re not alone. I feel it, too.”

She looked up at him, and somehow they connected, really connected for the first time. “How?”

He shrugged. “Raised to follow in the path of the Sith. That’s why I didn’t feel comfortable here or want to go in the Temple. I’ve spent twenty years having it forced into me at the threat of pain and starvation that the Jedi were my enemies and were to be obliterated without quarter or question. The Light side of the Force was weak, and if I ever wanted to be considered human, I could _not be weak_ for any reason.”

She nodded slightly. “I’ve heard you shout that you’re not weak a few times. Does it still worry you? The concept of being weak?”

Kylo scratched his arm and tried not to dig his nails into his skin. He promised Ben he wouldn’t hurt himself and kept doing it anyway. “Not nearly as much. I know, in my head, that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and I can’t be perfect. But it’s _so_ ingrained in me, it just springs out. I react.”

Kira nodded. “That’s how it felt for me, too. Especially when I attacked you. A spontaneous reaction. Like I knew I had to act and nothing would stop me.”

Kylo grinned. “Believe me, I…I do get it.” He shrugged. “Maybe we’re not so different after all. We’ve both been pushed in directions we didn’t want to go, striking out because others told us we had to. It’s not easy to change. I’m trying. Every day. It’s always hard, so I have to keep at it.”

“And I wasn’t even tortured, just…guilted, wanting to please, questioning everything except the one thing that was so important.” She shrugged. “I just wanted my mom to love and be proud of me. I saw who she was when she hated someone. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that.”

The two of them were silent for a while. Kylo pondered Kira’s history and her actions. They really were more similar than different once he got to know her. And further, despite his anger over being attacked, he admired her. So incredibly strong and capable. She was the type you’d want beside you in a battle, one you didn’t have to worry about. You could just fight and know she was doing fine on her own.

He had been angry, but now, he really would prefer to have her as a friend. “Do you want to know how to fix it?”

“Fix what, specifically?”

“When you said you were sorry, you didn’t say how you would fix it, and you didn’t ask. Ben told me when I apologize, I should offer to fix what I did wrong. Do you want to know how to fix this?”

She chuckled lightly. “Well, I suppose I could let you kick my ass in revenge.”

Kylo flinched. “No, why would I do that? We don’t handle our problems that way, right Ben?”

Ben nodded. “That’s right.”

“I never liked it when it was done to me. I don’t want that. Punishing doesn’t solve anything.”

Kira gave a soft smile. “Ben taught you that too, huh?”

“Yeah. Over, and over, and over, and over—”

“And over,” Ben said with a kind smile and a nod.

Kylo grinned. “And I’m still learning.”

Kira sighed and kept that light smile about her. “Okay, tell me how I can fix attacking you and Ben and Rey.”

“Do better.”

Kira sunk, hardly amused. “What? That’s it? That’s the magic fix? Do better? That’s a bit simplistic, don’t you think?”

“It’s not simple at all. It’s really hard. Every day I try to do better, and I fail a lot. But I can’t get better if I don’t keep trying. All those years…all the things that were shoved into my head, it’s hard. It’s really hard to try to just…be human, to even _accept_ that I’m actually human and not just some overgrown group of cells created in a jar. But I think I’m changing for the better.”

Ben put his hand on Kylo’s shoulder. “You are doing _incredible_ , working so hard every day at it.”

“He does,” Han added. “He may lose his shit now and then, but you know he’s trying his hardest.”

“And if my dad doesn’t have a snarky thing to say about it, you know it’s true!”

“I save my snark for you. You weren’t starved and tortured. You had mommy giving you everything at the slightest whimper.”

“Shut up, Dad!”

Luke waved his finger. “No, that’s true. I saw that with my own eyes.”

Ben bared his teeth. “No one asked you, Uncle Luke!”

Rey stood. “Well I know more than anyone the changes Kylo has made. I saw him before anyone else knew him, while Palpatine was still commanding and tormenting him. I know what he came from. I know how he was. And it’s only been a few short months. If Kylo can change, if he can do better, any of us can.” She shrugged. “Maybe even me, who knows?” She smiled. “Ben’s a very good influence.”

Kylo nodded. “His Light is like a beacon, calling us home.”

Ben gave a sweet, crumpled smile. “Aw, guys…”

Kira sighed. “My Light should be a beacon, but apparently it isn’t. I still have a lot to learn. I’m sorry for this, everyone. Truly, I am. I need to learn to listen, really listen, not…judge before hearing all sides. I’m only grateful you all are so strong. I could have…gone too far, done something I can never take back.”

Kylo swallowed. “When I first met Ben, I tried to kill him. The second time, too. If I had succeeded…” He gave a mirthless chuckle to quiet the oncoming tears. “My life would have no meaning. Only misery.”

Ben put his arm around Kylo. “And if I hadn’t given Kylo a chance, if Rey hadn’t told me about his upbringing, if I didn’t really look and see _why_ Ky was trying to kill me, I wouldn’t have had the compassion for him that I did.” He shook his head. “I would have let Rey kill him, and everything we have together, all the fun, all the ways my heart has just…grown since he’s been with us, none of it would have happened. Not all enemies are our true enemies. Sometimes it’s just a whole lot of misunderstanding.” He cleared his throat. “Except Palpatine, he was an asshole. Through and through.”

“Oh yeah,” Rey added.

Kylo nodded. “Definitely.”

Luke clasped Kira on the shoulder. “Hell of a lesson learned today, huh?”

She nodded. “Yes, Master. I…really screwed up.”

Luke smiled. “Master Yoda once told me, a great teacher, failure is.”

“Indeed, Master.”

Luke turned his attention to Ben. “Well, now that the second rendition of the Galactic Civil War is over, you want to get working on those holocrons?”

Ben stood. “Yes! Let’s go—I mean, can you bring them out so I can stay here with Kylo? I’m not sure he wants to go in.”

“Go,” Kylo said. “I’ll be fine out here. We need this.”

“But buddy, I don’t want you to have to hang out here alone.”

Kira lifted her head. “I’ll stay with him.” She turned, locking eyes with Kylo. “If he’s okay with it. I’d understand if not, considering what I just did.”

Ben scratched his head. “Ehhhhh, I don’t know…”

“I won’t attack him again. On my honor as a Jedi, I promise it.”

Kylo felt along the Force. She was sincere. “It’s okay, Ben. Go ahead. Maybe…” He eyed Kira. “…we have a lot more in common than we think.”

Ben didn’t seem so sure, then he nodded. Perhaps he felt her sincerity too. “Okay, Ky. You need me, just call, okay?”

Kylo nodded. Finn offered to continue the tour for Rey, Han, and Chewbacca. At Rey’s hesitation, Kylo waved her onward.

Kira would be true to her word. He knew it.

Once the rest had gone in the temple, he sat in silence with Kira for a while. Then she looked up. “So, tell me about that incredible lightsaber of yours.”

Now she was talking a language he understood. He unhooked it from his belt, held it out and ignited. “The Sith aren’t called to kyber crystals, so we have to create our own. There’s a specific ritual for it. When I made mine, it was dull and lifeless. My saber would barely ignite, and when it did, you almost couldn’t see the blade. I kept trying to work with the crystal itself, trying all the rituals, but nothing worked. Snoke said it was because I wasn’t human, and I would probably never get it to work because I was such a failure. So I grabbed it in my hand and screamed in fury, wanting to just shatter it. The jagged edges bit into my hand and I felt it crack. When I looked down, it was covered in blood with an obvious flaw in the center.

“Then I was even _more_ pissed. I put my saber back together, blood and all, figuring it couldn’t get any worse. When I ignited, it was exploding with light and sparks, finally bright but completely unusable. So I modified the saber design to vent the unstable energies. At least now it gives me three points of contact.”

Kira held her hand out. “May I?”

Kylo quirked an eyebrow. “Sure it’s not too _evil_ for you?”

She stood and dusted herself off. “The only one who acted evil here today was me. May I?”

He narrowed his eyes, not entirely sure he wanted to be without a weapon considering what he had just seen (and felt) her do.

Kira unhooked her saber. “Here. Even trade.”

That seemed fair. As his weapon met her palm, he admired her muscular, powerful hand and arm, and the way she held it honored the weapon’s powerful energies.

Kira stepped back, twirled, and took a few swings. “Heavy. Lot of power. Cross-guard doesn’t allow for much speed or tight maneuvers.”

“No, it’s definitely a weapon of pure power and aggression.”

She closed her eyes. “I can feel it, the Dark energy flowing through it. It wants to fight. It wants blood.”

Kylo shrugged. “Warriors draw blood.”

“True. It’s definitely an offense weapon. How do you feel about mine?”

He grasped the silver and gold hilt. It was not delicate in nature but definitely high end. Noble. It had a heft as well as lightness like Rey’s, but while hers was rugged and battle-worn, Kira’s was still shining and bright, a knight on its first mission.

He ignited and felt the saber as the bright blue hummed to life. So much like Ben’s, in color and in feel. Soothing. Honorable. A shining light in the darkness. He gave a few practice swings and twirls. Very much like Ben’s, moving with lightness and speed, but this one definitely had a warrior feel to it Ben’s didn’t.

This was a weapon for a knight who would not back down from a fight. “Incredible feel in this. There’s gentleness, yet it sings for the moment of battle. A sentinel. A protector. What it lacks in raw power it makes up for in tenacity.”

Kira smiled. “That’s incredible. No one ever felt my weapon the way I do. I thought it was just me who could really feel the soul of a lightsaber.”

“It’s a lot like my brother’s, but his lacks that fighting edge. His is a weapon of last resort, of holding back until there’s no other choice but to strike. But when it does—”

“It strikes hard.” Kira smiled. “I never knew someone could blast me so hard outside of Master Luke.”

Kylo chuckled. “You know Ben knocked Uncle Luke’s ass out with that blast once.”

Kira’s eyes lit up, and she turned off his saber. “Really? Oh, I have to hear this.” She handed him the hilt.

He clicked off and returned hers before sitting. “So Ben was on the mission to defeat Palpatine, and he had to get his saber back from Luke. Everyone kept making fun of Ben because he was terrible with his saber—and believe me, I’ve seen his early fighting skills, it was true—all except Rey who was getting angrier and angrier over how they were treating him…”

~*~

As Kylo suspected, once they were on civil terms, they had a bit in common, certainly as warriors. Both were the first to leap up into battle, the first to shield others, and were dedicated to the way of the blade.

He wanted to keep his guard up, even at least still be angry at her, but with the whole debacle aside, he found himself feeling rather fond of her. She had a toughness he admired, a sense of dedication he once knew all too well, yet she had a friendliness about her once her masks were off.

In fact, she seemed less chatty than she was with Ben and a little deeper, focused. Oh, he would have done anything to have grown up beside her in the Sith Temple. The whole damn galaxy would have bowed to their feet, if so.

_You mean Palpatine’s feet._ Kylo shook his head. Old desires, old memories. No relevance today. Still, just the idea of her beside him in black C-leather. Damn…

He found himself staring at her again, mesmerized by her form and that incredible hair. Every movement made it change color. When a cloud passed overhead, the colors would mute into the underlying sky blue. Then a sunbeam would strike and colors would dance across her strands.

“Kylo?”

He shook his head. “Hm?”

“You’re staring again.” She smiled, didn’t seem adversarial, but that serious demeanor never left her. “Not sure if I was clear before, but I’m not interested in getting into any kind of relationship. With anyone. Don’t take offense.”

“I’m not.”

“I just have a goal in life and I want to see it through. No distractions.”

“I can understand that.”

“Well then you should probably get any ideas you have about dating me out of your head. It can’t happen.”

Kylo sighed. “I’m not. Why are you assuming that?”

“Because you keep staring at me. You have been since we met.”

Kylo shook himself, that internal itchiness grating at his bones. He didn’t realize he had been behaving in a manner that was bothering her. “I’m sorry. It’s your hair. That’s what I’ve been staring at.”

Her eyebrow lifted. “My hair?”

“It reminds me of the _canaba_ butterfly.”

“Hm, yeah, I suppose it does.” She smiled again and gave a soft huff of a laugh. “Never pegged you for a butterfly person. Figured you’d be more into Mustafar fire bats or something.”

Kylo narrowed his eyes in confusion. “I can like beautiful things. Why not?”

Kira sighed. “Guess I…am putting you in a box of my own creation again, making assumptions about what your kind is supposed to like.”

That word irritated him. “I’m not of a kind. I’m just human. Well, trying to be.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’m a clone, remember? Spent my entire life being told I’m at best an experiment, a creature, human-like but definitely not human.” He kicked at a clump of dirt. “Was told I could earn the right to be human, only I was never good enough. I would always fail, no matter how hard I tried.” He closed his eyes. “But that’s supposed to be behind me now. My family says I’m as human as they are, and since they love me and treat me with dignity, I have to believe them. But sometimes it’s hard to shake off those old feelings.”

Kira moved into a slow and silent practice form with her ignited lightsaber. “You seem human to me, more I get to know you especially. Guess I really didn’t consider your humanity when I came at you. I only saw your designation.” She sighed. “That was wrong of me. I don’t want to be like the previous generation, judging solely on powers and not on the person themselves. I really am sorry for my actions. The more I get to know you, the more I realize what I would have missed out on had I succeeded.”

Kylo nodded. “I feel the same way about my brother. I get it.”

She scrunched her nose and smirked. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

He scraped his boot across the grass. “I guess if I don’t I’d be a hypocrite.” He smiled, and when she snickered, he broke into a chuckle. Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all, and maybe she learned something about her own prejudices thanks to him. “So yeah, guess I do.”

Kira straightened, bowed her head in thanks, and returned to her forms. “I appreciate it. So what is it about this butterfly you like so much?”

“When I first came home, Mom took me into her garden and showed me all of her beautiful plants. I’d never seen anything like them before. There was nothing like that on Exegol. Then she showed me the butterfly, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. But what really struck me was when she taught me how to get it on my finger. This beautiful creature trusted me, someone who was born an abomination and raised to be a monster. It made me so happy, like this was the start of a whole new life, one where I could have family, friends, a girlfriend, actually be happy. Every time I see a blue butterfly, even just a drawing, I feel a sense of hope and smile.”

He realized she had paused in her forms and was staring at him as he had done to her. A soft smile broke out on her sharp face. “You’re…not at all what I thought you were. I’m really glad you let me get to know you.”

Kylo felt a flutter in his heart he immediately had to tamp down. This was a Jedi after all, so dedicated to her path she claimed to be married to it. And he was too easily attracted to women in general, but especially when they paid attention to him, smiled at him.

But she wasn’t smiling like that, couldn’t be, because she was dedicated to her path. So he let it go. “I didn’t know people from Alderaan could have hair like that. My mother never mentioned it.”

She stopped her forms again. “Your mother…” Her blue eyes met his again. “So you really are a prince, huh? My prince.”

Kylo shrugged. “Not an official title anymore, I don’t think. Besides, Ben is older. If anyone would get the position, it would be him first.” He sighed and looked toward the Temple. “I don’t even think he cares about it. Titles don’t mean anything. I thought they did, but I get more meaning in a night home with my family than I ever did as Supreme Leader.”

Kira deactivated her lightsaber. “I miss those. The nights at home, family together. I do miss it.”

“Why not go back and visit? Spend time with them? Ben told me Mom took him home every weekend while he was here, even if Uncle Luke thought it was stupid.”

Kira shoved a hand through her blue hair and ignited her saber again for another form. “Some things you can’t go back to.”

“Why?”

She twirled and swept into a faster form. “Mom’s constant ranting over the Empire and the Dark Side started taking over her life. She joined some groups aiming to root out anyone suspected of Darksidery as she called it. Harassed people, got them fired from jobs, and no real proof any of them had anything to do with the Dark Side of the Force. Drove her and my dad apart, and he went back to his home planet, Durania. He is where I got my hair from, very watery place. But anyway, with him gone, I was left alone with her. And alone I was.” She twirled and slashed down with a diagonal strike.

“How so?”

“Well, she was so busy chasing after shadows of the Empire, she left me alone to fend for myself.” She shrugged. “When the opportunity came to join the Temple here, I jumped on it. I wanted to be a part of something. Wanted to _be_ someone. Wanted to…show my mom just how worthy I was, how I could help her in her fight.” Kira huffed with a mirthless smile and shook her head. “I’ve spent all this time committing myself to destroying people like you just to please _her_ , and she never once visited me here. Not once. Calls on the comm, yeah, but less and less over the years.” She shook her head. “But I haven’t hugged her since I was ten.”

Kylo wanted to offer a hug, but he thought maybe she’d take it as him trying to date her again. It seemed like a boundary he shouldn’t cross. “If you met my mom, she’d hug you. She always has a hug for someone who needs it, especially me.”

Kira smiled at him, but her eyes seemed so sad. “She must be someone very special, especially if she can turn a Supreme Leader around.” She slipped again into her forms. “Your mother is our princess. Ha, my mother is going to flip when I tell her.”

Kylo wished he could see it, see the person who hates Darksiders so much learn her princess bears the Dark Side of the Force as well. Maybe that would finally teach her a lesson. “Do you still hate people like me? Those of us slanted toward the Dark Side? Knowing what you know now?”

“I don’t want to. It will take time to…unwind all the tendrils of hate and fear that’s been wrapped around me for so long. But Kylo?” She stopped for a moment.

“Yeah?”

“You’re the first person who’s made me want to try. Thank you for that.”

Kylo smiled and nodded, tamping down that flutter yet again. Wow, did he just make a difference in someone’s life? A good one? So weird…

Kylo watched as her body moved with such perfect precision, every strike, every stance, even the bend of her elbows, all absolute perfection. No wonder she almost killed him. He never would have measured up to her if she had been raised beside him on Exegol. Was hard to measure up without competition, to feel like he was worth the ground he walked on, which prompted a question. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Why did you heal me after everything that went down? After how you felt about me just minutes before? Why did you go from trying to kill me to wanting to heal me so fast? Was it because Ben reminded you I was a prince?” He snorted and lowered his voice. “Already hard enough to feel like my life is worth anything. If it’s only the title that saved me…” He sighed and kicked a rock. “Feels kind of shitty.”

Kira stopped and lowered her saber as well as her head. “I didn’t save you because you’re our prince. Yes, I was on a rampage. Yes, I felt like I was fully justified in what I was doing at the time, clouded by my own self-righteousness. The prince thing? It forced me to take a hard look at what I was doing. So blinded by my own narrow views, I didn’t even think about who I was fighting. In realizing I was fighting the royal lineage of my lost homeworld, I was aghast at what I allowed myself to do, how I allowed myself to think. I had to ask myself, ‘What the hell am I doing? How is this right? What have I just done? Is this who I really want to be?’”

Kylo smirked. “Were you afraid you broke some royal laws?”

Kira chuckled. “Yeah that…kind of kicked me out of my own rage. My anxiety is nothing to be trifled with.”

Kylo snickered. “Yeah, I get that.”

“In any case, with a few minutes to get a hold of myself, question myself, I began to look at my actions in horror, in contradiction to everything I ever wanted to be. When I overheard you were hurt, and you wouldn’t have been if not for my awful behavior, I knew I had to take at least one step to make it right. Looking back now, after we’ve had some time to actually get to know one another, I feel horrible for what I did. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

Kylo nodded. “I…totally get that.” He shrugged. “I like the person I see now a lot better than the one I saw before.” He stuck his hands up. “And I don’t mean that in a dating way.” Kira smiled, and fuck, she had such a pretty smile. “I just mean I like the real you. I hope you continue being that person.”

She nodded. “I’m going to try. I’ll…do better. Every day.”

Kylo smiled. “Yeah, me too.”

Uncle Luke stepped out ahead of the rest of the group. “Ah, the two of you are still alive out here, I see.”

Kira bowed. “I made good on my word, Master. Kylo is…something special.” She turned to him and there was a sparkle in her eye Kylo didn’t quite understand, but it started that damn flutter again.

Ben threw an arm around him and hugged him tightly. “He certainly is. Got what we need, buddy. I’ll show you on the ship.”

Luke spread his arms. “Well, surely you’ll all stay for dinner at least.”

Behind him, Finn and Jannah flagged them with waving hands and shaking heads, wrapped their hands around their throats and stuck their thumbs down with their noses pinched closed.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Seriously, I can sense the two of you doing that back there. The food is not that bad!”

Ben put his hand on his uncle’s shoulder. “It is, Uncle Luke. It is.”

“Oh no one can go by you, your royal highness. I’m surprised you didn’t starve to death when you were here.”

Han huffed. “Because Mommy sent him back with care packages every week.”

“Oh by the stars, the pancakes with the chocolate chip smilies? The sandwiches cut into hearts?”

“And muffins with a note that said, ‘For my sweet little muffin.’”

Ben nodded with a biting smile amongst the giggles (all except Rey, and Kylo himself was about to lash out.) “Well she wouldn’t have to go through all of that work if any of you knew how to cook.”

Rey burst into laughter. “Burn!”

Luke shook his head. “There’s nothing wrong with our culinary droids—damnit I know the two of you are still doing that!” Finn and Jannah stood looking innocent, their lips quirking ever so slightly. Luke shook his head and continued. “You’re welcome to stay.”

“Why not?” Han said. “Beats having Ben criticize _my_ cooking.”

“I’ll eat anything,” Kylo said. “After living off of a protein cube, fat cube, and tasteless slop my entire life, nothing could be bad in comparison.” He caught Kira’s gaze. She seemed…sad? For him, maybe? That was hardly his worst story.

Luke turned to the last two holdouts. “Ben? Rey?”

Rey shrugged. “Wouldn’t mind spending a few more hours with the friends I don’t get to see. I’m in.”

“Ben?”

Ben just shrugged. “Whatever. It’s fine. Go on ahead, I’ll be right there. I just…gotta grab something from the ship.”

Han sighed. “Leia sent you with a care package, didn’t she?”

Ben pointed his finger. “That’s none of your damn business!”

Luke huffed. “Is the sandwich cut into hearts?”

“Well I haven’t _opened_ it yet, I don’t really—shut up!”

~*~

Dinner wasn’t bad at all, though Mom’s cooking was better. In all fairness, Ben performed a few upgrades and applied patches to the culinary droid, the results of which left Finn and Jannah hugging Ben as if he’d saved them from a planetary disaster.

Ben’s care package did in fact contain sandwiches cut into hearts, including those muffins with a little sign stuck in that said, “For my sweet muffin.”

Dad told no lies.

It was actually nice to sit and eat with the group, with family and friends. They even convinced Kylo to go inside the building to the cafeteria. Ben was right. Kylo didn’t turn into ash or even a fluffy pile of porgs. He didn’t feel different at all.

Like Kira, Kylo had been fed more than his share of falsehoods regarding the other half of the Force.

Speaking of, she wasn’t going to join them, still feeling bad about what she had done and not wanting to ruin their camaraderie. Kylo had told her it was okay, he wanted her to stay, but it was Ben who finally convinced her.

“Come on,” he had told her, “I’m the Prince of Alderaan. Legally you _have_ to have dinner with us if I command it.”

With a laugh, Kira relented and Kylo smiled. Like Mom, Ben had a way of reaching out with his Light to those that needed it the most. She slowly joined in the conversations, then she and Ben did nothing but yap with one another on so many topics Kylo’s brain started melting.

But what he got to see, and he hoped she got to see, was that at the end of the day, whether they came from Dark or Light, they were all just people trying to live their lives. The two of them had to stop thinking of the other side as enemies.

As the day ended, Kira walked beside him as his family made their way back to the Falcon. “You really should join us,” she said. “You’re so strong and talented, and what better way to atone for the past than fighting for the lives and freedom of others.”

Kylo shrugged. “I have my life to live now. I have to learn and know what that is. I spent twenty years being taught that life, including my own, was expendable and meaningless in order to hone me into being a killer. The more I live and learn about life, the more I see there are so many others with lives worth living, that they have worth. Maybe even I do, too.” He heaved in a breath and glanced up at the first specs of stars in the twilight. “I don’t know. Maybe one day. I mean, being a warrior _is_ in my nature. But there’s a lot of my nature I don’t yet know, and I don’t think I could really be of any good service to anyone until I find out who the real me is.”

She was quiet a moment, contemplative. “Well, I can tell you that you’re rather wise.”

Kylo chuckled. “I am _so_ not wise.”

“You are, though. I can see it in your words and actions. I don’t know. Sometimes those who have been through the worst see the galaxy with deeper insight. Perhaps…in the depth of darkness, your eyes are quicker to find the light that others would miss.”

That struck him in a way he did not expect. Could his past misery allow him to be a beacon of light for someone else one day?

Kira took in a deep breath and smiled. “Maybe I need to find the real me before I go traipsing across the galaxy thinking I know best. Maybe it will allow me to lead with the compassion I once felt, not a skewed sense of justice bordering on vengeance.” She turned her blue eyes toward him. “Perhaps we were meant to meet, maybe even meant to battle. I don’t know about you, but it gave me a sense of clarity and a serious wake-up call I desperately needed.”

Kylo chuckled softly. “Some of the most life-changing moments are found at the blade of a saber. I should know. Ben saved me by raising my own lightsaber up to protect me from a deathblow, the day that changed my life for the better, when Kylo Ren died and Kylo Organa Solo was born.”

“Organa…” Kira laughed and shook her head. “I’m walking beside an Organa prince, I seriously don’t believe it.” They stopped just outside the ramp of the Falcon. Kira bowed low, hands spread outward in supplication. “I bid you farewell, my liege.”

Kylo snorted and laughed. “Please don’t feed my ego. I’m still trying to get Supreme Leader out of my head.”

She bore that bright smile again. “Well I for one am glad you’re just Kylo now.”

He nodded. “So am I.”

“Prince Kylo.”

He groaned and turned away while she laughed, patting him on the shoulder. Oh shit, her hand felt good. Must he be attracted to every woman he sees?

Then again, maybe it was something more with this one. But whatever it was, he had to forget it. She already made it clear she was off limits, and Mom always told him to respect others’ boundaries, so that’s what he was going to do.

Hugs and goodbyes, Kylo even let Uncle Luke hug him, having forgiven the Jedi for trying to mind probe him earlier. The final goodbye was for Kira. He had expected her to just give another bow, even a serious Jedi one. Instead, she opened her arms and shrugged as if to say, “Why not?”

Well, if she was offering, then it was okay. Kylo opened his arms, tentative and unsure, until she wrapped her tough, muscular arms around him. He drew in his own, curling around her trim, tall frame, hands landing in the softness of her back.

Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit this felt good. Too good. Her chin on his shoulder, her blue hair tickling his cheek, her scent, a sweet array of musk and battle that stirred way too much in him, and her long body pressed against his, fitting with perfection like a puzzle piece. He hoped she’d let go soon, or he was going to lose his breath in complete overwhelm.

No other woman had hugged him like this since Rey, and he couldn’t have either of them, so he had to break out of it as soon as possible.

Thankfully she let go, leaving him cold and aching, though he hid that profusely from the woman married to the Jedi Order.

Back on the ship, once they hit hyperspace, Kylo thrust himself into a flurry of exercises to shake off the warmth of that hug still lingering in his chest and arms. It wasn’t until Ben set a container before him that he finally stopped overworking his body.

“What’s this?”

Ben grinned. “I wasn’t the only one Mom gave a care package to.”

Intrigued, Kylo opened it up. His sandwiches were cut into butterfly shapes (with a note that Mom could never use that cutter for Ben and was finally happy to put it into service,) and instead of a muffin, he received a brownie with, “My Sweet Brownie” drawn with icing.

Kylo’s smile took over his entire face, and he couldn’t wait to hug the best woman in the galaxy in thanks for such a thoughtful treat.

Besides, he needed to tell her another one of her sons was chased at the Jedi Temple with a lightsaber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, Ky's favorite woman in the galaxy is his Mommy. She does take care of her boys, directly and indirectly. I wonder what she'll do when she finds out her littlest prince got chased this time?
> 
> At least Kira and Kylo finally met on common ground, even friendly ground. Will this be the last we see of her? Hmm... I do hope her temporary amnesia over Ben and Kylo's lineage came off as believable LOL! I feel she was so enraptured first by Ben's wealth of knowledge, then blinded by her own hatred, that such a thing didn't take priority in her mind. But if there's a massive, glaring plothole in that regard, let me know. Holidays last week left my mind a pile of mush so I basically hoped for the best.
> 
> Did Luke just try to mansplain the concept of true power to Rey? That was a bad idea. PS I really didn't have a spot to put it, but for future reference Mara Jade IS real and is not Luke's left hand LOL!
> 
> Anyone else get sexy jollies from a regal, powerful, big-daddy Prince Ben? He doesn't turn it on often, but when he does *panting*
> 
> I couldn't get a definitive answer whether one could fracture their own ribs from striking alone, but let's just say between the slam on the ground, his weakened bones, and his own strength, stuff happened. Because yeah.
> 
> So next week, we're going to hop on the Ow Train once more. In fact, the chapter is titled, "Ow." Remember, no matter how much I break your heart, I promise to put it back together again. Plus we'll get to see an arguing pair that ISN'T Ben and Han for once. Stay tuned!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	9. Ow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I’ll fight for you, Kylo, with everything I have.”_  
>  An emergency thrusts everyone into a panic, and two bickering souls from the past will be needed to intervene.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, if you choose to read this, you agree to 1. not charge me for your depleted tissue supply, 2. not demand I replenish your tissue supply, 3. not sue for a replenished tissue supply. 
> 
> I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to hand your hearts over right now. Promise you'll get them back by the end.
> 
> First off, as the tags will attest to, no one dies in this except some needless bad guys (remember, everyone is alive and well at the end of Galaxy, so seriously, NO ONE [important] DIES!) However, we are going to be taking some seriously close brushes here. There are major stakes that are being faced by our Solo family, and this is a stark reminder of what they're up against. We'll also delve into one of poor Ky's bad memories. Look, the name of the chapter is Ow. I deliver on that promise. But as usual, I will patch you back up.
> 
> TW for temporary character death, grief, life/death emergencies, talking about death, blood
> 
> But first, we'll take a ride on the Falcon and see what Han and the crew do when Ben and Leia aren't looking...

Han Solo, his hands up, smirked and shrugged. “Come on, guys. Shormag really wants his delivery. You wouldn’t want to deny him his goods, now would you?”

The Howler space pirate crew, having infiltrated the Millennium Falcon, kept their guns aimed on him and Chewbacca. Their lead merely blinked. “That hardly seems like _our_ problem, now does it?”

“Look, we don’t want any trouble, and we know you don’t either. So let’s just go our separate ways and forget this ever happened, huh?”

The pirate grinned. “Trouble? From you two? You won’t live long enough to cause us any.”

Han flashed his eyes toward Chewbacca and back again. A little more loudly than normal, he asked, “Are you planning to kill us?”

“Planning? I’m counting on it.”

The pirate fired his gun toward Han’s chest, the grin never leaving his face.

Until…

The red laser blast froze in mid-air, humming and vibrating. The pirate, expression dropping, leaned in closer when ominous red filled the darkened corridor to the left, red cross-guard lightsaber as its source.

Kylo, his hand controlling the blast, growled, “No one kills my father but me!”

The pirates shifted back. “They have a Jedi!”

Kylo smirked. “I’m no Jedi.”

One fool in the back decided to speak. “There are eight of us and only three of you. Don’t do anything stupid.”

The other darkened corridor lit in yellow, Rey’s sinister laughter filling the ship. The yellow of her lightsaber glinted off her gun. “Four of us, boys. And even twenty of you could never stop us.”

The tallest pirate gasped. “The Rock Hound witch! She lives!”

Kylo reversed the laser shot he was holding still, taking out the lead pirate in one strike. With a twirl of his lightsaber, he and Rey charged after the rest.

Ahhh, this was just what he needed. Deflecting blasts, slashing his enemies apart, it drew him back to everything he was bred for, everything that still sang in his blood.

He didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore, he really didn’t. But they were going to kill his father and uncle, and therefore, they had to die. And if they had to die, then he might as well savor the process.

When the entire crew of the Howlers lay in a pile, Han stood with his hands on his hips, reviewing the carnage. His eyes flicked up to his youngest son. “No one kills my father but me? What the hell was that?!”

Kylo groaned and pressed his palm against his head. “I didn’t mean it like I was going to kill you in the future, just—I mean I almost did—like what I meant—it sounded good after what he said! And I did almost kill you, so I wasn’t lying.”

Rey couldn’t stop laughing. “No one kills my father but me, oh my stars, that’s going in the record books.”

Han waggled his finger. “No record books! Don’t need Ben or your mother knowing about anything that goes on in here.”

Chewbacca tipped his head up. “Ben will just whine. Be scared.”

“True, but Leia will rip me in half for dragging these two into this.”

Rey kicked one of the dead pirates. “Oh yeah, like you kidnapped us kicking and screaming into your sordid little affairs. Kylo and I _need_ this. Now, let’s go rob the ship!”

“No robbing!” Kylo said. “Ben will get us everything we need and want, you don’t need to go robbing on top of it.”

“Oh my stars, you are such a little old lady! Half of their ship is stuff _they_ robbed from others!”

Kylo braced his hands on his hips. “Rey, it’s one thing to kill those who attack us, who are trying to kill us, trying to kill Dad and Uncle Chewy. But we can’t just go around being criminals!”

Han groaned. “All those smoochies and hugs and butterfly sandwiches are making you soft. Do you not realize we’re _smuggling_ right now?”

Kylo pointed his finger. “ _You_ are smuggling. I’m just here to protect you.”

Chewbacca waved his hand. “All a moral gray area. Move on.”

“Fine.” He nudged a pirate with his boot. “What do we do with them? Toss them back on their ship?”

Han shrugged. “Toss them out Airlock Two.”

“NO! Ben has his batch of Tor-flex brewing in there. We promised we’d keep it safe!”

“Just for once I’d like all my airlocks to myself. Let’s just get their ship detached and shove them out that airlock.”

“Detached?” Rey whined. “But…but…”

Kylo patted her on the shoulder. “We may need to kill, but we don’t need to rob anymore. We’re with Ben now. We have to be better. Do better. Remember?”

“But it’s just going to rot out there in space! Someone should at least…” Her eyes brightened. “Alright Ky, maybe you have a point. I’ve spent my whole life needing to rob ships to survive, but I don’t now. However, I do know someone that does.” She tapped at her comm. “Shirac?”

“AH GAHHH!” came the response. “How’s my girl doing out there?”

“Just fine. Listen, we just slaughtered the Howlers.”

“AH GAHHH! Good riddance. Those assholes give good pirates a bad name. Good on you, girl.”

“Well, we’re leaving their ship intact for you to enjoy at your disposal.”

Shirac laughed. “With what little you left for us, I imagine. I know you, girl. You always claim the best.”

Rey clenched her fist and teeth, then sighed. “No…not this time. Not anymore. I’m…part of Ben’s crew now.” She shared a smile with Kylo. “And he gives me everything I could ever need or want. The ship is full. All yours.”

Silence, then. “What did they do to you, girl?”

Rey sighed with a smile. “Filled all the empty spots in me. I don’t need it anymore.”

“Wellll, tis a mighty gift you give. What would you have in return?”

“Nothing. Like I said, I don’t need anything anymore. I have all I want.”

“Hm. Favor it is then. Thank you, girl. May your journeys onward be long and sweet.”

Rey nodded, a bittersweet smile on her lips. That whole ‘long’ part was still an issue. “You too, Shirac.”

After detaching the ship and booting the enemies out of Airlock One, Kylo collapsed on the couch in the common area. “Whew, that was fun, but damn, I could use a nap.”

Rey snorted, examining her gun. “Since when? You out of practice or something?”

Kylo shrugged. “Maybe. Been so focused on school and translating the Sith stuff, we don’t really get to train anymore. Maybe I am out of practice.”

Rey shrugged. “So let’s train more. It’s always fun. Remember when the two of us used to train every day? Morning sessions, afternoon, sometimes evening.”

Kylo smiled. “Those were the best days of my life, until now of course. We learned together while kicking each other’s asses. It was perfect.”

“Those were good times. So, we should get back into it. Since I can’t rob anymore, and we can only attack if someone attacks first, we need to do stuff that’s more our speed, meant for us. We’re warriors, Kylo. It’s in our blood, always will be, no matter how many math classes you take.”

Kylo nodded. “You’re right. Alright, let’s do it, make it part of the daily routine. I need to work out constantly or I go nuts anyway, and after Kira nearly cut me in half, I could probably stand to get my skills back up.” He yawned. “And my stamina. Fuck this, gonna go catch a nap. Wake me for dinner.”

“You want Han’s cooking or Leia’s care package?”

“Both.”

~*~

“Hey!” Rey waggled her eyebrows with a huge grin. “Training?”

Oh stars, yes! A few days after the trip on the Falcon, Kylo had almost forgotten their conversation. Her offer was like dangling a steak before a starving Loth wolf. The siren song of battle always called to him.

But honestly, Kylo felt kind of tired. Off. Not himself. He had been that way all week, especially with all the stress recently. His head constantly hurt and radiated to his neck and shoulder along the fusion lines. Sure, he had spent most of his life in a state of constant stress under Palpatine and Snoke, but that had at least grown familiar over time. This new life of his, it was such an adjustment, heavy in its depth that he had to learn at a breakneck pace. And that whole mess with Kira just added to it, even if they left on good terms. Despite her healing, he never felt like he fully recovered, and the recent battle on the Falcon just added to it all.

Regardless, he had to push past it, like he always did growing up. There was no room for exhaustion, pain, or illness. You fought, or you suffered the consequences. It made sense, really. A warrior had to be able to fight, no matter the circumstance. There was no patience for absurd notions such as illness, fatigue, or broken limbs.

And so he would keep pushing on. “Sure, let’s go!”

Kylo jogged into the basement ahead of Rey and started with his stretches. Rey followed suit, and this moment made him smile. It had been so long since they trained together like this, just the two of them. He recalled when she stayed on Exegol with him as they were trying to form the dyad. Training was a daily experience, and adding Rey to the mix gave it so much more excitement and challenge.

She was so damn good. It only took one battle to earn his respect. From then on he learned from her, for she didn’t fight like the Praetorian Guard. Quicker and more agile, he learned how to strike fast and scramble in close combat situations. He was already a pretty good shot, but she taught him even better accuracy and how to use the Force when he fired. She even trusted him to fire one of her three guns.

He liked to think she even learned a bit from him. Her movements were accurate and quick but lacked power, and he showed her how to leverage more even amidst short strikes.

They had been an incredible team. A long time ago…

Kylo ignited his lightsaber and swung it in circles and arcs, warming up muscles that didn’t seem to want to wake up. At the other end of the room, Rey spun her saber, adding twirls and slides, exercising the extent of her agility.

This was going to be fun.

“Ready?” Rey asked, bending into her starting stance, wide and flexible.

Kylo turned off his lightsaber to stand straight with a cocky nod. Then he pulled the hilt behind him and stepped out with his right leg, igniting as he landed with a stomp. “Always.”

A glint in her eye—she always had a tell—and he readied himself for defense against her oncoming attack. Fighting a phenom like Rey required keeping tight defense and striking hard between moves. Their sabers clashing together, gold and red, filled him with an intoxicating fire, his blood singing to their dance. In her eyes and her devilish grin, he knew she felt it, too.

Maybe they weren’t made for each other romantically, but as warriors they were cut of the same cloth.

Kylo missed a block and had to hold her lightsaber back with the Force. He ducked under and dove right back into battle, shaking off the hint of numbness in his hand. After he swung in hard, she had to block using a blast of Force. Hand out, he countered to keep himself from flattening against the far wall, always in awe of the strength of her powers.

A faint lapse in directing his Force had him sliding backwards. He thrust harder and pushed back until finally she let up, flipped backwards high in the air, and landed with a hunter’s gleam in her eyes.

Kylo charged forward and stumbled as his knee weakened. Rey came in fast and hard, forcing him to block in quick procession. During this, his arms grew heavy and numb. Her high strike came at him, and he couldn’t muster his strength to haul his saber up to block in time.

Her eyes widened, and she shoved him back on the Force, unable to stop her momentum before it would strike. He stumbled backwards, his weakened knees making it so he couldn’t catch himself before he hit the back wall, whacking his head. Still, he pushed himself forward, staggering on legs he could no longer feel.

“What the fuck, Ky?! I nearly decapitated you!”

Kylo found just enough strength and sense to click off his lightsaber. It dangled at the end of his hanging arm and dropped to the ground, clattering once, then twice. What the hell was going on? Why was his body suddenly not obeying a damn command in his head?

And then it built, like jagged knives sawing into his skin, his very bones. With every heartbeat, pain spiked through his head along the fusion scar, all the way down its length to his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut as it spread all throughout his body.

“Kylo?” Rey clicked off her lightsaber and hooked it before running to him. “Ky, what’s wrong?”

He tried to tell her something was wrong, but it just came out a sputtering mess as throbs of agony permeated every cell in his body. Kylo opened his eyes and could barely see her, his vision fogging, her voice a muffled mess.

He now realized what this was, only it had never come on so fast. The closest he came was when he gave all of his Force to heal Rey, and even then it never hit so hard and fast like this. The pain was relentless, worse than being hit with Force-lightning. He screamed, or at least he thought he was screaming, because he couldn’t really feel or hear it.

Panic filled Rey’s blurry face, and she shouted, possibly for Ben, he really couldn’t tell. His vision was suddenly hampered in his right eye. He blinked against the stickiness and couldn’t do much else to help himself, but he could see the bright red along the outskirts of his cheek Blood seeped from his scar line down his face, neck, and body.

The final moments of his genetic condition.

Kylo’s knees crumpled, sense faltering as his entire body shut down at once. Halfway to the ground, his body was caught mid air and lowered to where he lay as everything faded—sound, vision, finally, even the pain. That’s all he wanted, for just the excruciating pain to stop.

The last thing he could make out was Ben’s panicked face and a bright flash of light before he softened into darkness.

~*~

Kylo stood amongst endless stars, feeling expansive and free, like gravity didn’t matter and never did. Lines and symbols made of light surrounded him. He wasn’t sure what this place was. It felt neutral and quiet.

Curious, he floated toward an area where the beams took a sharp angle. He stuck his hand out and felt hardness. A wall of some kind. Spreading from where his hand lay came a visual. It looked like the basement but viewed from above. Ben and Rey were hunched over, two hands linked, the other two pressing against a prone body that was fading. The red shirt and black pants looked almost as if they were being propped open by some barely visible force.

Poor Mom was sobbing. He hated to see her cry. He wanted to reach out and hug her, make her feel better, because she was always making him feel better. But that strange, invisible wall held him back.

Dad was holding her, and Uncle Chewy reached out as if he’d do anything to help if he could.

_Come on, Kylo_ , he felt in Dad’s gruff voice. _Stay with us, huh son?_

_Kylo, baby, please!_ Mom said. She closed her eyes, breathing hard. _Obi Wan, if you can hear me, if you can feel me, please, I’m begging you. Don’t let him cross. Don’t let him cross!_

_Ky, hold on!_ That was Ben, and the pain in his voice hurt so much. _Please hold on! It’s coming, I promise, the energy is coming!_

_Fight!_ Of course that was Rey. _You are a warrior, you fight to stay here! Don’t you dare go anywhere, you hear me?_

Mom again, still looking like she was praying. _Anakin, you listen to me, you asshole. You’ve never given me anything except hell, but I know you’re out there, I know you can hear me. Do one damn thing for me if you do nothing else. Save your grandson! Don’t let him cross!_

His family was so worried about him, and he was stuck here, wherever here was. He pressed his hand against that invisible hardness to reach out, to reach them, tell them he was okay, he was there, he just didn’t know where he was.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”

Kylo turned to see a figure in dark Jedi robes. He seemed familiar. “Day Havvens?”

The man rolled his eyes. “What is it with you Solo kids and your Day Havvens shit? I’m Anakin Skywalker, your grandfather!”

“Ohhhh, okay. Um, my mom is kind of pissed at you and doesn’t want you to let me cross or something.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

Another voice joined the conversation. “You only heard because I alerted you.”

“Oh so what? So she called on you first, so what?”

“Well, you never did have a pleasant moment with your daughter in your past life, you can’t be surprised.”

“Yeah yeah, I get it. Can we please focus here?”

Kylo looked back and forth between the two of them. “I do _not_ know what’s going on.”

Anakin flung his hand toward the other man. “This is Obi Wan Kenobi, my old master.”

The man in the lighter Jedi robes grinned. “Yes, before he ran off like a drunk groupie to served the Dark Side with Darth Sidious. Chosen one indeed.”

“Must you start?”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “My…mom called to you first. Why?”

Obi Wan crossed his arms. “She trusts me. I’ve helped her before, helped your Uncle Luke, guided him in the ways of the Force. Prior to me teaching him, he knew me as Ben Kenobi.”

Kylo perked. “Ben? Like my brother?”

“I’m who he’s named after, yes.”

Kylo nodded, taking in that information. Then he looked around. “Where am I, anyway?”

“World Between Worlds, the waystation between dimensions, and the last stop before uniting as one with the Force or, conversely, fading into oblivion depending on which path you took in life. The two of us are making sure you leave only from where you came.”

“Oh. Okay.” His attention was pulled back to the vision wall by Dad’s voice.

_Leia!_ Dad cried.

Kylo saw his mother placing her hands upon him, her head bowed, eyes closed.

_Mom!_ Ben cried. _No!_

_I won’t let my baby boy die,_ Mom said. _I won’t let any of my children die. I’ll give everything before I let that happen!_

_Mom, please! Just trust in me, trust in us!_

_Just give us a little more time,_ Rey said. _He needs you right here when he wakes up. Please let us do what we were made to do._

Anakin shook his head. “There goes that little girl of mine, just like her mother. Better do something before she goes too far.” He stuck his hand out, and Mom was suddenly being pulled back from Kylo’s fading body.

Kylo pawed at the vision, his fingertips streaking down the flat nothingness. “Poor Mom. She’s so sad. I don’t want to keep making her sad. I should really get back. Do you know how I get out of here?”

Obi Wan nodded toward the vision wall. “That depends more on my namesake than anything you can do. Your mother is worried, for more than the obvious reasons. Of course she doesn’t want to lose you, but she knows the stakes beyond this world and doesn’t want to lose you in two ways.”

“What does that mean?”

“You were raised as a Sith. You wield mostly Dark power. Once you exit the World Between Worlds, it’s possible your outlook could be rather grim. Sith don’t become one with the Force.”

Anakin stuck his hand up. “Now just hold on, this was a kid who had no choice in the matter, and he’s done nothing but give of himself since Ben saved him, including giving all of his energy and life force to save Rey. _This_ right here is just one of the things that always pissed me off about the Jedi Order. If even a hint of the Dark Side is involved in anything, you get all, ‘It’s my way or it’s wrong.’”

“I’m not sure you’re one to talk.”

“Hey, I’m here, aren’t I? One selfless act, that’s what I did, and he’s done far more. Tell me I’m wrong. Go ahead! Tell me I’m wrong. You won’t ‘cause you can’t.”

Obi Wan rolled his eyes. “Can’t tell you anything without you getting your undergarments in a knot. Then it’s all, ‘Look at me with my yellow eyes! It’s all Obi Wan’s fault!’”

“Keep it up and I’m gonna go Mustafar on your ass again.”

“Yes, because that worked out well for you the last time.”

Kylo looked back and forth between the two of them. “I am _so_ confused.”

Anakin gave Obi Wan a dirty look (and received more rolling eyes in response) and grasped Kylo’s shoulders. “I know a bit or two about balance in the Force. I’ve been on the side of Light, and definitely been on the side of Dark, but truthfully, I was always the bearer of both. Your Uncle Luke recognized the Darkness would always be a part of him, and I think your Mom recognizes it in herself as well, even if she doesn’t use the Force to the extent the rest of you do. Oh—” He snickered and looked at Obi Wan. “—remember when she kicked Han’s ass?”

Obi Wan snorted into laughter. “That was a good one. He did deserve it though.”

“That’s my little girl.” Anakin turned back to Kylo. “All I want to say to you is that yes, you were raised by the worst of all the Sith. You were hurt in ways…” He shook his head. “…you were only a child, and you deserved so much better.”

Kylo could only shrug.

“The Dark is a part of your nature, part of your lineage. It will always be a part of you, just like with Ben and Rey, and it flows much stronger in you than either of them. But in joining with Ben, there was a big change in you, wasn’t there?”

Kylo nodded. “Kylo Ren died on Kef Bir, but Ben made it so Kylo Organa Solo could live. He’s everything to me. I feel like I can’t exist without him, like my anger and the pure darkness will just…take me over, swallow me, claim me forever without his Light.” He shrugged. “I know now why Rey fell for him instead of me. I can’t give her any of that.”

“Ben may keep your energies in check, but that just allows the real you to shine through, understand? Much as I hate the fact that Luke suppressed Ben’s powers, it let him embrace and develop his own character without Palpatine’s influence. You weren’t so lucky, so now that you’re not overwhelmed with the Dark, you can learn and develop who you truly are. In that way, you develop your own Light which will help balance out your Dark.” He tipped his head to the side. “Of course it doesn’t hurt to have someone be your counterweight, like Ben is. The two of you are like one man separated into two, and I guess in some ways you are, but you both have your own individual lives to live. Keep working toward your balance, Kylo. The Light isn’t always about the Force, but about the love inside our hearts. Let your love guide you to only use your Dark power when you need it, to be a warrior that serves love, peace, and freedom.”

Kylo shrugged and nodded. “Okay.”

Anakin smiled. “You’re so strong, Kylo. You were tortured, denigrated, and manipulated by Palpatine all your life, and you still found a depth in your heart to learn to love, to fight for what you love, and to care so much for others. I’m very proud of you, Kylo.”

Kylo blinked in surprise. “Wow. Um, thank you.”

Obi Wan stepped closer. “You truly have come a long way, but you also have a long way to go. When your time comes to pass through this space again, may it be after having lived a long and good life, that you will have no concern when you leave these walls that you will be one with the Force. Whether that happens is entirely up to you and your choices.” He put a hand on Kylo’s shoulder. “You’re doing well so far. Keep up the hard work.”

Kylo nodded. “Okay.”

Anakin patted his back. “You are a LOT easier to talk to than your brother. Oh boy…”

“There’s a reason I haven’t tried to get involved with him,” Obi Wan said. “The boy would drive me insane.”

“And then he starts with that math?”

“Forget the math, what about those ones and zeroes? What is that about?”

“Hey!” Kylo said, feeling that anger rising in him. Probably a bad idea before two Force ghosts that could kick his ass with a mere thought, but he didn’t care. They were talking about Ben and it didn’t sound nice. “Ben is brilliant. He’s not like you or others. He thinks differently. And I like it. And I wish I could be just like him, so don’t talk bad about him. He’s the best thing this universe ever had.”

Anakin smiled. “That right there. That is what I meant for you. A warrior guided by pure love. Hold on to that. Always let love guide your way.”

Kylo suddenly felt very soft, as if he had turned into a whisper. The two waving, smiling men grew dim. The stars disappeared, everything faded into darkness.

Kylo hoped this wasn’t oblivion.

Instead, he felt rather solid. Voices surrounded him, sniffling. The scent of the basement was instantly familiar; Mom’s perfume, Dad’s cologne, and Ben could stand a shower.

This wasn’t oblivion.

~*~

Kylo blinked his eyes open to see Mom with her fist to her mouth and tears in her eyes. Ben’s tears fell onto Kylo, his mouth open, chin quivering, before it broke into a smile.

“Hey buddy,” Ben said and sucked in a sob. “You’re okay now. You’re okay.”

Mom brushed her hands over Kylo’s face and sniffled. “I’m so glad my baby boy’s okay.”

Han smoothed a hand over his head. “Good to see you again, son…”

Kylo looked around and blinked again. “Did I just die?”

He heard a sound that broke his heart and sprung him into high alert—a keening sob from behind him.

Rey.

She backed up against the wall, hands to her mouth, tears streaming down her face. He had never seen her like this, so scared and heartbroken, and he felt the overwhelming urge to help her.

Ben smiled, and he was trying to act like everything was fine, but things clearly weren’t. “You’re okay now. That’s all that matters.” He swallowed. “I wasn’t fast enough—” He pressed his hand to his face, trying to control his tears and failing.

Mom rubbed Ben’s back. “Honey, you _were_. It’s okay now. Go to Rey. She needs you. I’ll take care of him.”

Ben placed his hand on Kylo’s cheek, trying to smile again as he nodded. He leaned down and kissed Kylo’s head before turning to Rey. Good, she really needed it. Ben always made people feel better, and she was so upset it hurt.

Kylo tried to sit up, but Mom gently pushed him back down. “Honey, you need to rest. Don’t try to get up.”

“I feel fine now. My energy’s normal. Hungry though.”

Mom chuckled and sniffled, wiping the remaining tears from her face. “I’ll bring you anything you want. Uncle Chewy’s going to carry you to your room so you can rest.”

“But really, I feel better now. Ben’s power boosted me back up, I’m fine—”

“Mom’s orders. Chewy?”

The Wookiee gave a soft murmur of agreement and gathered Kylo into his arms. From this new vantage point, he could see Rey sobbing into Ben’s chest while his shoulders shook.

“Ben,” Rey said and sucked in a breath, “it was just like Shirac said. That’s how my dad—oh Ben it’s happening already!”

“I promised you I’d fix it,” Ben said, his voice so broken and in pain, “and I will. Just keep holding on. Both of you just keep holding on. I won’t let this go. I won’t let either of you go.”

As Uncle Chewy carried him toward the stairs, Kylo called out, “Ben!” His brother was in so much pain, and Kylo didn’t want to leave him like that. Ben would _never_ leave Kylo like that. 

Ben put on that huge smile that still could not hide the agony he was in. “I’ll be up soon, Ky. I promise.”

Up in his room, Dad pulled off his boots before Uncle Chewy set him into bed. It did feel nice and cozy, but honestly he didn’t really feel tired anymore. Ben’s boost did the trick.

With a wet cloth, Mom wiped at his face. The fabric was bright red after. Damn. He bled more than he thought. After rinsing and returning, she said, “A nice shower will be better for this, but I just want my boy to rest for now. I can’t stand to see your handsome face like this.”

He wondered how bad it really looked, but she didn’t say anything. A few more rinses and she patted him dry. “There, much better.”

Mom pulled the blanket up to his chin and sat next to him, stroking his hair. He closed his eyes and purred in delight over the sensation, so soothing, so comforting. Dad sat on the other side, not quite so close, that wasn’t his style. He remained stoic, quiet, but present. That’s how Dad told you he cared when he was in a lot of pain too.

Kylo’s brief brush with death really upset everyone.

“RP-47 is going to bring up a can of supplements and a nice nutritious soup,” Mom said. “Then maybe we’ll have some ice cream, how does that sound?”

Kylo nodded. “Perfect.” He wasn’t sure why they were still making such a fuss over him. He really was fine. “Hey Mom, I saw your father, Anakin Skywalker.”

She tensed but returned to that ever-sweet face. “Did you?”

“Yeah. And I also saw some guy called Ober Ben One or something.

She seemed much happier at that name. “I’m glad Obi Wan heard my call. Was he able to help you?”

“I guess. He was supposed to keep me there until Ben and Rey brought me back, to make sure I didn’t pass into the Force, or oblivion. Either one.”

Mom swallowed and pressed her lips together. She looked so worried, but then she smiled again. “I’m so glad Obi Wan kept you safe for us. And what did Anakin say?”

Kylo thought it was weird she didn’t call him Father or Dad. “He told me I wasn’t supposed to be there, in the World Between Worlds. Then he was pissed I asked if he was Day Havvens for some reason. But mostly, he told me it was okay to wield Dark Force since it’s my primary power.”

That had her tensing again. “Oh?”

“He said it was okay as long as I was balanced and was a warrior for peace, love, and freedom. That Ben’s Light keeps it in check and lets me discover who I really am. And he said when I really know myself and develop good character, I would only wield it to protect others and I wouldn’t need Ben to keep me in balance.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I know everyone gets scared of my power, but I’m not like how I was before. I don’t _want_ to hurt anyone. I know I can, but I only use it if I need it. He said that was good, that I was very strong. I thought that was nice.”

“That does sound like a very nice thing to say. And I’m glad you understand yourself enough to know that just because you can use something, doesn’t always mean you should, only when you have to. So proud of you, my sweet boy.”

Kylo smiled beneath Mom’s soothing brush across his forehead, then swallowed as the reality of what just happened finally settled in. “I didn’t want to die. For the first time in my life, I had something to live for, something I didn’t want to give up. All of you made such a happy life for me, even when it’s hard.” He swallowed again. “Mom…I think I’m scared. I’m almost twenty-one…I’ve already lived longer than Rey’s father. This…it came on so fast, I didn’t even know what was happening.” Tears filled his eyes as he looked up at Leia. “Mom, I don’t want to die.”

Tears streamed down her face, and she gathered his cheeks in her hands. “And we don’t want you to go.”

“That’s right, kid,” Han said, his voice so gruff and strained. Uncle Chewy agreed.

Leia straightened. “So, you are going to have to take better care of yourself. You let Ben know if you’re feeling tired, make sure you eat right, and no hurting yourself, understand?”

Kylo nodded. “Okay.”

“Ben’s strong in his powers now, he’ll keep you going just like he did today, you know he will. And he’ll find a cure for you. I know he won’t rest until he does.” She gave a sigh of worry. “I’m going to have to keep an eye on him. I know how he gets. Don’t need him making himself sick either.”

Kylo widened his eyes in concern. “I don’t want that! I don’t ever want Ben to be hurt or sick.”

Leia grasped his hand. “All the more reason to take good care of yourself. Ah, look, soup’s here.”

Kylo sat up while RP-47 set everything down, but as Mom prepared to take care of him, he had one question lingering on his mind. “Mom, what were you doing when Ben and Rey were trying to save me? Why was everyone yelling at you?”

Surprise crossed her face. “You saw that?”

“I could see you all but I couldn’t get to you, otherwise I would have hugged you and made you feel better.” This brought a fresh set of tears to his mother’s face. Oh how he hated when she cried. No one as special as Mom should ever be hurting.

“Oh honey,” she whispered, brushing the hair from his forehead. “You are my precious little boy, even if you’re not so little.” She smiled but tears coursed down her cheeks.

“But what were you doing that got Ben so upset?”

She continued stroking his forehead. “I was willing to give everything I could of myself to bring you back.”

He sat up straighter, concerned. “What do you mean?”

“I love my children. All of you. Ben, you, and Rey, a child of my heart if not my genes. And I’d give anything for you, anything. I would trade my life a thousand times for any of yours.”

Kylo didn’t quite grasp it at first until he remembered something—passing his life force into Rey on Kef Bir. The panic that seized him had him springing up straight in the bed. “Mom! No!”

“Shhhhh…” She stroked his head again. “Honey, you need to rest.”

“Mom! Don’t you ever give your life for me! You’re too special!”

“Honey—”

“NO! I don’t ever want you to go! I DON’T EVER WANT YOU TO GO!” His face crumpled, shoulders heaving as he broke into tears at the realization of what almost happened. “Mommy, don’t ever go…”

“Ohhh baby.” Leia pulled him into her arms. “I don’t plan to go anywhere anytime soon, now that we got you back safe and sound.” She stroked his hair. “That pain and fear you’re feeling right now? Imagine that times a hundred, and that’s how it feels for a mother to see her child so close to death.”

He understood now, damn he understood.

“So that’s why we need to take care of you, and you need to take care of yourself, too.”

Kylo nodded and sat up to look her directly in the eyes. “I will, Mom. I promise. Because I don’t want you to ever have to do that. I _need_ you.” He sniffled. “It’s not home without you.”

Leia melted, bearing the sweetest smile, and kissed him on the head. “Nor is it home without you either. So come, sit back.” She adjusted his pillows, and he lay back into them, willing to do whatever it took to get better so his mother never had to try to do that again. She picked up the bowl of soup and the spoon and brought it to his mouth.

He gladly ate with a smile, happy she was still here with him, and he realized just how happy she was that he was with her, too.

He definitely couldn’t let himself get sick like that again.

~*~

Kylo was just finishing the last of his ice cream when Ben came into his room. He was smiling, but he looked so worn and tired. Odd because that dyad thing usually energizes everyone.

“Heyyy,” Ben said as he stepped in. Han stood and let Ben have the space beside his brother. “How are you doing?”

Kylo shrugged as Leia took his bowl. “Fine. I said the dyad thing energizes me, I’m really okay, but Mom won’t let me do anything.”

Ben smoothed his hand over Kylo’s head. There was always such warmth and love in his brother’s gestures, but this time there was an added air of authority, like Mom. “She’s just looking out for you. We’re all worried about you. Today was too close…way too close.”

“But you saved me, so it’s okay.”

Ben’s chin quivered. “I wish I had gotten to you sooner. It just happened so fast…” He closed his eyes, swallowed, and opened them again with a smile. “But don’t you worry, because I’m going to figure out this problem soon. I promise, I won’t let you go. I’ll fight for you, Kylo, with everything I have.”

Kylo’s heart warmed. No one ever wanted to fight _for_ him before. And fighting was one thing Kylo understood well. If the situations were reversed, Kylo would give everything he had to save Ben. He’d done it before on Exegol, without a thought.

“Thank you.” With a smile, Kylo bumped his head against Ben’s shoulder, then tipped it forward in concern as Ben would always do to him. “But you can’t make yourself sick doing it. You can’t hurt yourself either.”

Ben smiled and pulled him into a hug. Ben’s hugs were the best. “Don’t worry about me. I’m strong. Stars, I never thought I’d hear that phrase come out of my mouth, but…I am. And I will be, just like I was before. This is…just another enemy to fight, another Palpatine, and if we can win that, we can win this. And we’ll all be together at the end of it, just like last time.”

Kylo sighed into Ben’s shoulder. “I like this life you’ve given me. I don’t want to let it go.”

“And we don’t want to let you go. Believe me.”

Kylo still held onto Ben. “I like knowing I’m loved. I don’t want to die, but if it happened, if you couldn’t save me in time, I would have gone into the Force happy because you all gave me everything I ever needed or wanted.”

Ben’s body just shook, crying so hard. Kylo didn’t want to make his brother sad. That was the last thing he wanted. Ben was always making him so happy, and all Kylo did was cause problems with his nightmares and chasing them with lightsabers and dying out of nowhere. “Don’t cry, Ben. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

Ben whispered back into his hair, “I don’t want you to hurt anymore, either.”

Kylo pulled back so he could look into Ben’s eyes. “I’ll take better care of myself and won’t hurt myself anymore, and…if I’m not feeling good, I’ll let you know.”

Ben nodded and smiled. “Okay buddy. That sounds really good.”

Kylo tilted his head down. “I guess it was pretty scary seeing me like that. I saw a little from where I was, like looking down from above in the World Between Worlds. When I think about it, it could have been just like seeing the same thing happen to you. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw that, you fading like I did. I’d just…lose every piece of my mind. I’d just go insane and never come back.” He looked up. “I don’t ever want to know a galaxy without you in it.”

Ben smiled and clasped him behind the head. “I feel the same way, buddy.”

Kylo smiled and sat back against the headboard. “I saw our grandfather there, in the World Between Worlds.”

Ben sat back next to him. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I thought he was Day Havvens at first.”

“Oh yeah? Me too!”

“He got really pissed when I asked if it was him.”

“Same here!”

“I also met Obi…Ben—Wan Keboni Ben or something, I don’t know, you’re named after him.”

“Oh, what’s he like?”

“Nice guy. Argues with Anakin a lot. Reminds me of you and Dad.”

~*~

Later, Ben and Kylo were watching _Galaxy Wars 4_ together since no one would let Kylo get out of bed, but Ben was preoccupied with his comm. Screen after screen was filled with chemical chains and -omerases and something nucleic acids.

Then Rey appeared in the doorway with a smile. Kylo was relieved. She looked so much better than she did before.

“Like some company?” she asked.

“Of course. Come on in.”

Rey looked at Ben and nodded toward the doorway. “If you want to get some work done, I can stay with him.”

Ben looked from Kylo to Rey and nodded. He hugged her tightly, pressed his forehead against hers, and whispered how everything was going to be okay. She nodded, patted him on the chest, and forced a smile before plopping down next to Kylo on the bed.

Ben patted Kylo’s leg. “I’ll come check on you later, buddy. You call me the moment you need me.”

Kylo nodded. “I will. Thanks Ben, for everything.”

Once Ben had smiled and left, Rey let out a long held breath and tipped back against the headboard. “How you feeling now?”

“I’m fine, really. I know everyone keeps wanting me to stay in bed, but I feel much better than I have in over a week. I just needed the dyad boost.”

“ _Don’t_ ever let it get that far again. That was too close Ky, too close.”

“I did die for a little while. Went to the World Between Worlds, saw Anakin Skywalker and Oh-Ben-Ken—whatever the hell his name was. They were there to make sure I didn’t cross over. Mom asked them to help me.”

“Good thing to have Force ghosts on your side.”

“Yeah. They said I could have either crossed into the Force or faded into oblivion because of all the Dark Side stuff. But Anakin said I did selfless stuff and was able to love, so I would have gone into the Force. I don’t know, it’s all confusing. Kind of scary when you think about it.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

“But I like what Anakin had to say. He thinks Ben balances out my Darkness, and that will give me a chance to be the real me, to be a warrior of love and peace and stuff. Light will rise in me to keep my Darkness in check. Do you think that’s true?”

Rey nodded. “I do. I feel it in me, maybe even feel it in you too.”

Kylo studied her face. “You were really upset. I’ve never seen you so upset.”

“I just watched you die in front of me. How would you think I’d react?”

“But why? You’ve seen me like this before. Remember when Palpatine drained us that time? And on Kef Bir—”

“This was different. Those had a reason. This…it came out of nowhere, and that scared me. When I saw what was happening to you, it sounded just like Shirac described happened to my father right before he died. That moment when I watched you fade…I thought we lost you. And I knew I was next. At one time it didn’t scare me so much, but now…with everything we have…with Ben…I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to break his heart. We have so much now to lose, and it really hit hard.”

Kylo nodded. “I get it. We’re at that age. It can happen any time.”

Her chin quivered. “Yeah.”

Kylo sighed and hunkered down into his pillows. “Kind of sucks to be us sometimes, huh?”

“Yeah,” she whispered.

He looked up at her and hugged one of his pillows. “If it ever happens to you, I won’t hesitate. I’ll give you everything I have, just like last time. I won’t let you die of this.”

Her sharp, fiery eyes snapped in his direction. “You can’t do that! You’ll be just as dead as me.”

“It’s worth it to keep you alive—”

“Stop it!”

“I mean it—”

“Just stop!”

Kylo turned onto his side, his back to her. “Well I don’t care what you say. I won’t let this happen to you, so just don’t worry about it, okay?” Rey shoved him hard in the back. “What the fuck?!”

“Stupid asshole! I don’t want you to die either! Did you ever think of that? That I might actually care about you?”

He rolled back over, surprised. “I guess…I just don’t think of it. After we broke up, after everything that happened, after you were with Ben, figured I was just someone that came along with the package.”

Rey shoved his forehead, making him grunt in annoyance. “I don’t know what category to put you in, okay? Friend? Family? Some kind of brother-in-law? I don’t know. But I love you.” That admission made his heart skip, and he really wished it didn’t. “I love you for who you are, who you always have been beneath the mess, for being the noble warrior that you are, for just…being a part of what we are here.” She finally smiled. “And for everything you’ve done for me, and would do. So…quit being stupid. Don’t fuck this up.” She shook her head. “I don’t ever want to see again what I saw today. I can’t take it, okay? I can’t. We’re both on borrowed time, and it scares me. Of everything I’ve ever endured, this scares me. So don’t do dumb shit, and I never have to look at it again, got it?”

Kylo nodded. “Okay.” He smiled. “I’m glad you care about me.”

“Yeah yeah. Which Galaxy Wars is this?”

~*~

As Kylo lay with Melanie that night, he tried to force a sleep that would not come. No one would let him work out or do anything, and it left him antsy.

No one wanted him to sleep alone either, but thankfully he convinced them Melanie would be just fine to look after him. Ben did some quick programming changes to watch for any dip in his health stats. Honestly, he loved when an actual person slept beside him, but they were all so tired and he was anything _but._ He needed to have his room empty in case he had to finally break down and do a hundred pushups or so.

As he held Melanie in his arms, his mind drifted over everything that happened, a stark reminder of the first time. He and Rey had been doing so well in building their dyad connection, Palpatine sensed it was time to try it out…

Kylo stood beside Rey before Palpatine, feeling a mix of anxious and excited. He and Rey had worked so hard for this, training constantly, performing Sith rituals, some of which were bloody and painful (though she never let out a squawk and neither did he, so well trained were they both.) They could project to each other across distances and speak telepathically. There were more things they were supposed to be able to do, but perhaps those would come in time.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye even though he should have been keeping his focus on Palpatine. At least he was in full attention stance. Surely the master wouldn’t notice Kylo watching the girl he loved through his peripheral vision. She did not stand at attention like he did. She didn’t have to, nor did she want to. Palpatine let her get away with so many things Kylo could never do, but that was okay. It was his granddaughter, and she was human, not a lab-grown abomination like himself, so she deserved special treatment.

Palpatine was looking worse than ever, smelled it too. He was rotting right off the machine at this rate, hands and forearms skeletal, face sunken and dry like leather. He smiled, but it only came across as a baring of teeth when his flesh was so sticky and dry. “The day has come. I sense the strength between the two of you, a bond like no other.”

Kylo beamed. “We have worked hard, Master, to serve your glory.”

Rey gave a quick raise of her brow but was otherwise disinterested as usual in any formality. “What he said.”

Palpatine bared his teeth again. “Goooood. Then let us begin. When I have been returned to my full state, you shall both be rewarded greatly for your dedication and service.”

“I just want to _not_ die. I don’t give a shit about the rest.”

“My girl, the glory of ruling the galaxy is at your fingertips. You’ll serve under me, of course, but you can have any star systems you choose to lord over.”

While Rey rolled her eyes, Kylo couldn’t contain his excitement. His own star system? Multiple star systems?! Finally he would be served instead of having to serve. He could have his own throne, his own guards to command, maybe even get a real bed and room like Rey had! “It is an honor to serve you, my lord, and a privilege to reign under you.” He was so excited he almost smiled but instead just licked his lips. “Rey can choose first from the star systems. I want her to have first pick before I do.”

Palpatine’s dry, milky eyes drifted to him. “You? You still have to earn your place and make yourself worthy of ruling anything.”

Kylo’s heart sunk. Every time he was so close to having anything, he was still never good enough.

“But…”

Kylo perked.

“…perhaps you can serve as leader of the military force she will need to conquer the worlds she chooses.”

That wasn’t so bad.

“Show your worth, and you can command my fleet as Supreme Leader. Prove yourself there, and then you may rule.”

Supreme Leader…he liked the sound of that! “Yes, Master. Anything to serve your glory.”

Rey groaned. She never understood how important it was to present properly and praise the master that gave Kylo everything and continued to let him live.

Palpatine lifted his bony arms. “Then it is time to begin. You will feel tired by the end of it. Rest and you will be restored to continue another day. This will take sessions and time, so be prepared to be off your feet for a while.”

Kylo wasn’t crazy about that. He needed to work out every day or he’d go crazy.

“Take each other’s hand and draw forth the life-giving power of your dyad.”

Kylo removed his glove and looked at Rey as he reached out. He met her lovely hazel eyes and knew this moment would seal their future together. With Palpatine restored, they would be cured, she could rule, and he’d serve her until he could be worthy enough to rule on his own.

Or…even better…by her side. Yes! They could rule star system together, side by side, living their full lives. This would be a dream come true.

He grasped her much smaller hand in his and felt that soft heaven wash over him. Any time she touched him was a miracle. And with their dyad so strong, he felt it surging between them.

Before long, they’d be together forever. Oh he loved her so much. She gave every moment of his life meaning with just a touch.

He was forced to return his attention to Palpatine. The old man’s fingers didn’t move, all the joints were dried. But his arms rose until the gray, bony tips pointed in their direction.

The sucking feeling, pouring through his chest, sickened him immediately. His life force streamed out of him in a line of light right to Palpatine’s twiglike appendages. This was far worse than he had expected, but maybe he was just being weak and pathetic yet again. He turned and found Rey with her eyes clamped closed, grimacing. She must have sensed him because she turned and opened her eyes. Suffering. That was what he saw. His Rey was suffering.

He had to stop this.

Kylo tried to wrench away, but a moment later his body was frozen. He couldn’t move a finger, anything, no matter how hard he pushed, shoved, and strained. It was no use, and his body just continued to deteriorate, feeling as sick and weak as when he had gotten ill and they let him fester in his cold dungeon of a room for a week. He was sure he had been close to death then, and this didn’t feel much better.

And then it got worse.

It started along his scar line—searing, striking pain stabbing from his head, across his face, down his neck, and into his chest. He wasn’t supposed to react to pain, but it grew so immense and spread so fast. Swallowing, he tried to hold it in, tried so hard not to let it overcome him, but trying to force it turned into a grunt, into a growl, into a roaring scream. And beside him, Rey broke into her own screams.

At once they were dropped from the hold and collapsed to the ground. The force of hitting the hard tile smashed his skin, flesh, muscle, possibly even bone, as if nothing was there to hold him firm. He roared again in agony and could feel himself coming apart, his vision blurring, hearing muffled. Beside him Rey sobbed in utter misery, and he wanted to help her, wanted to save her so badly, but he was just doomed. His body would not obey him, and the pain was endless.

He was dying, and honestly, it could just come because anything had to be better than this. They’d never heal him, anyway.

“Noooo!” Palpatine growled. He had been somewhat restored, at least had fleshy arms and face, but he was still confined to the machine. “That’s it? That’s all I can get out of you? Waste of time and resources, you pathetic cell culture! You are no more useful as a dyad than you are a warrior!”

Kylo could only lie there and take it, just as always. They had created him for one purpose—and he failed. He might as well die, because Palpatine was going to kill him.

Kylo just wanted to live. And be with Rey. Now he’d have neither.

“This shouldn’t be happening,” said Targ, one of the senior cultists. “They should be weak but not in pain like this.”

“I don’t care about their pain!” Palpatine spat. “Fix the girl! She needs to return to me with her true dyad.”

Another cultist, Cort, said, “We have to bring her Force levels back up in order to correct for the genetic anomaly.” He shoved Targ. “I told you this would happen!”

“Guards!” Palpatine called. “Fetch two with the highest Force capability. Bring them here. I need the girl to live.”

Screams and shouts as the guards tackled a cultist and one of their own ranks. Kylo had read about this ritual, could hear the drawing of the Lifebender knife, a powerful tool in the Sith arsenal, the clatter of armor as the guard tried to fight, to preserve his own life, while the cultist bleated and squealed. Then came the strangled cries as the knife was jabbed into their necks, their life force and all their Force capacity drained and directed into Rey.

Palpatine’s voice snarled, “Get the creature out of here. I’m sick of looking at it.”

So Kylo had been reduced to “it.” Not even “him” anymore.

A hand grasped his forearm, and he screamed as his flesh just mashed. The guard let go of him. Maybe he took pity. If so it was probably Eterg who was always the most patient in training him. Kylo was lifted into the air on the Force instead, which was much kinder, even if he was still in utter agony.

With his body now facing in a different direction, he could finally see a blurry Rey. He couldn’t make out her features well, but he could feel her gazing back at him.

_Kylo…_

_Be strong Rey. I love you._

_Kylo don’t let go. Don’t let go._

The halls were a blur, everything was a blur. He kept waiting for the inevitable, the pain growing even more intense. It wouldn’t be long now. It couldn’t, because he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. And yet there was no mercy, no fainting, no shock, no death. Just pain. That seemed to be a theme in his life.

Eterg deposited him on his sleeping mat, gave a quick, “Be strong, soldier,” and left him there to die cold and alone in his cell.

The misery was endless, and he could do nothing, not move, barely breathe, blood pumping slower and slower but not stopping enough to free him from this hell. He had no idea how long he spent like that.

Then footsteps, a tender touch on his arm, and a sweet, worried, muffled voice. “Kylo?”

_Rey?_

“They didn’t even try to help you!” she bit, her voice shaking. “You’re bleeding. All along your scar line, it’s just bleeding. Oh my stars, Kylo…”

Moments later, he felt her other hand about his stomach, and then a surge of softness flooded him. It lessened the horrendous pain, but scared him more than anything.

_Rey! No! What are you doing?_

“They killed two people just to feed me their Force. I’m functional, and I’m going to heal you as much as I can with what I can spare, which isn’t a lot.”

_Don’t! I’m not worth it!_

“Well too bad, I’m doing it.”

The healing gift didn’t end all the pain, but his heart started beating correctly again, his breathing returned to normal, and his vision started clearing. _Rey, I’m just an experiment, an abomination. Don’t sacrifice yourself for me!_

“Kylo, you are a person. A human being. And you deserve to live just as much as I do.” She sighed and flopped beside him. “That’s all I can do. If I go any more, all of that horror will come back.” She swallowed. “I can’t move.”

His body was still a throbbing ache, but at least he could speak now. “You shouldn’t have saved me. You should have kept it for yourself. What did you do, anyway? You don’t have a Lifebender dagger.”

“I learned to heal, by trial and error, but I can transfer my life force to another. I don’t need a dagger.” She sucked in a breath. “But it takes a lot out of me. I…I can’t even move my arm. I can’t get back to my room.”

“I can’t move either,” he muttered. “If I could, I’d carry you back so you wouldn’t have to suffer down here.”

“If I could, I’d take you out of here. Off of Exegol. Run the hell away and never look back.” She sighed. “I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. I don’t care where.”

Kylo swallowed. “Me too.”

Moments later, he heard her struggling, straining, then warmth and softness touched the back of his hand. He instantly felt better, in terms of morale anyway. As usual, her touch was magic. And whatever there was of the dyad, still he could feel her along the Force.

He could sleep through the pain now. As long as he was with her, misery found no home.

Kylo blinked in the darkness of his warm bedroom, lying in his soft bed, holding his Melanie. That day was horrific to say the least, but Rey’s loving kindness made it so he could survive and also wanted to. It took days for them to recover. On the second day, the cultists found her sleeping next to him and removed her back to her room, citing that she had to heal and couldn’t do it in such miserable conditions.

They left him there with nothing. He sustained his thirst by pawing at the drips on the wall and licking his fingers.

The morning of the third day, Rey returned, stronger, healthier. She gave him another quick healing dose that got him to move the rest of his body, albeit not far, but at least now he could roll over. She fed him and gave him water, taking care of him like no one ever would.

But every day she grew more and more distant, quiet, as if she was already separating herself from their dyad. A cold hardening took over her, and when he could finally walk on his own, she disappeared for two months, even shutting him out of their bond. He never knew what he did wrong.

And when she returned, it was only to tell him she’d never be coming back.

Kylo did not need to relive that memory right now. It was hard enough to sleep. But maybe there was a solution.

“Melanie?” he whispered and kissed the side of her head.

~*~

Kylo stood out on the patio outside his room, letting the low-lying sun warm his skin, breathing deep the cool, humid air. He woke to another morning. In a few hours the gardens would be full of life, bees and butterflies dancing from flower to flower. The pool would sparkle in the little amount of light Ben let hit it. The sky would turn a deep azure blue just like his brother’s spirit.

For twenty years he woke to darkness, dankness, putrid air, and an entire planet of people who didn’t care whether he lived or died. In his darkest hour, only Rey had been there to help with what little she could give. Had he died that day of the failed dyad, he never would have known any of this.

Being that he almost died the day before, he was grateful for the morning and everything it contained.

Downstairs, Mom had a breakfast buffet spread like it was a holiday. She kissed his cheek and told him he could have all he wanted. Ben was arguing with Dad, and Uncle Chewy bounced a grape off his brother’s head. But when Kylo arrived, there was nothing but a sea of smiles for him.

He went from a planet that hated him and left him to die to a home with a family who was willing to give all of themselves to let him live.

And that right there was why he wanted to keep this life.

Then his eyes met Rey’s, and in them was all the understanding in the world. They loved each other then, they loved each other now, even if it wasn’t the same. The Solo family saved them, and now they had everything to live for.

The clock was ticking for both, but Kylo decided it could go to hell. He was going to enjoy everything with the time he had.

And he would start with a hug for each and every one of them that made it all possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please form a line to get your hearts back. One at a time please. Hey! You did not come in with two, put that back!
> 
> Oh why do I hurt you readers so? I'm sorry. I bawled my eyes out especially at the part when Kylo realized what Leia was about to sacrifice for him. I lost my mom in 2005 and believe me, that was hard to write. 
> 
> I also wrote this about the time when the discourse was going around about how Leia didn't pass into the Force immediately because she was waiting to "ferry" Ben into the Force or something like that. Basically, she hung around waiting for her son to die so she could cart him along. As a mom, this pissed me off to all royal high hell and back. Our Galaxy Leia was going to do everything in her power to make sure her boy stayed alive, any of her children. So yeah, at least that part was a response to that misguided statement finding its way into yet another book written by someone who just doesn't get it.
> 
> One thing I love about Ky's demeanor is how everything is in really bad shape for him, and all he could do was think about comforting his loved ones. And there he is, faced with two famous Force ghosts at the cusp of life and death, and he's all, *shrug* "Okay."
> 
> PS I know I could have used the infamous image of Ben's death on the moodboard, but...I...can't. I still get physically ill every time I see it and couldn't even consider pasting it up there, even if it fit. 
> 
> Alrighty, now that you hate me, next week's episode will be much lighter (after one bad memory.) Someone has a birthday coming up! Wait until he finds out what that's like!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	10. Happy Birthday Hijinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Kylo blinked. “I wasn’t born. I don’t get a birthday.”_
> 
> _Leia grasped his cheeks and pulled him down to kiss his forehead. “Well in this house, in this family, you have a birthday, and I’m going to make you your very favorite breakfast.”_
> 
> _Now this was just nuts. Why was she doing that for him?_
> 
> Kylo is going to celebrate his twenty-first birthday. Wait until he finds out what a birthday is like!
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much less ouchie than our last chapter, we're still going to have one memory that will be violent and painful, as it's when he recalls having to kill Snoke. So TW for graphic violence and imagery, child soldier memories, brief suicidal thoughts, and talking about death. 
> 
> If you want to avoid it and stick to our lighter fare, the memory starts with "The source of those voices wanted Kylo" and ends with "Kylo heaved in a breath as he slipped out of that memory."
> 
> But first, we know Ben must be working hard since last chapter, maybe a little TOO hard...

Kylo stared at his digital calendar. In a few weeks, he would turn twenty-one. He almost didn’t make it to see an age so many took for granted.

There was something else he didn’t see much of lately—Ben.

The light in the lab was almost constantly on, and it was rare to see his brother for breakfast, usually only on weekends when Mom would cook (with Kylo’s help, he was getting pretty good at it, Ben didn’t even complain!) But even then, Ben ate quickly, poking at his comm most of the time, and rushed off to his lab while still chewing.

Kylo knew why. His brush with death scared the hell out of everyone, and Ben was relentless in trying to find a cure before it struck again.

Especially if Rey was next. Neither brother was going to let that happen.

As he passed through the house, he overheard Mom and Rey in the kitchen.

“I _have_ been checking on him,” Rey said. “He assured me he’s fine, and he looked it too.”

Leia sighed and put a hand on her hip. “He’s sneaky like that. If he even senses you coming through the Force, he’ll start guzzling that junk, put on his best face, and lie through his teeth. He thinks I don’t feel him lying, let alone know him far better than that, but still he’ll do it and even start to sound convincing.”

Rey sighed. “But I know why he’s doing it. After Kylo…we’re all scared.”

“We are…but we can’t do this without Ben. He can’t do a thing if he makes himself sick.”

That was all Kylo needed to hear. He zipped through the house and down the corridor to the lab.

Alright, so if Ben sensed the others coming and tried to hide things, then Kylo would have to turn on his stealth maneuvers. Designed to slip in and out of enemy compounds without a Force-sensitive picking up a thing, it was a combination of locking down one’s Force signature, melding any external Force energies with the surrounding environment, and walking on the edge of the foot in pure silence. It couldn’t fool a truly adept Force-sensitive, Snoke and Palpatine never fell for it, but the guards certainly did. Ben had incredible power, but if he was too focused on his work, Kylo might just slip in and see if Ben was trying to hide his exhaustion.

Kylo reached the entry without sensing anything amiss. The doors slid apart and Kylo slipped in. Ben wasn’t in his office, but then he heard a sound that was entirely too familiar. He raced over to the bathroom to see Ben hunched over, vomiting, one hand gripping the bowl while the other held his long hair back.

Ben’s eyes caught him and widened, but another round had him back to his original task. Ben tried to wave him away, but Kylo wasn’t having that. He took charge of Ben’s hair, gathering it in one hand, and used the other to rub his brother’s back.

This sort of thing was never pleasant, but he had smelled worse all his life drifting from the prison cells down the hall from his room.

Ben coughed after the last bout. “Ky, what are you doing here?”

“Checking on you.”

“I didn’t sense you coming.”

“I know.”

Ben heaved in a few breaths before flushing. “Sink.”

As Kylo kept Ben’s hair back, his shaking brother made it to the faucet and cleaned himself up. Ben whispered that he was okay as he dried himself off, and Kylo finally let go of his hair. Damn, did his elder clone look like shit: dark circles, pale skin, almost looked like himself.

“Ben, what’s going on?”

Ben drank a glass of water and shook his head, faking a smile. “Nothing, buddy. Probably just ate something bad this morning.”

“You didn’t come to breakfast.”

Ben looked at him, confused, then glanced at his comm. His widened eyes said it all.

Kylo leaned in closer. “Ben, what’s really going on? You can’t lie to me, so don’t.”

Ben just shrugged and smiled, trying to brush it off. “Just lost track of time. Maybe I ate an expired emergency bar, who knows—”

“When was the last time you slept?”

Ben scoffed. “I sleep all the time. I have a bed right there, I—”

“No.” Kylo lifted his hand. “Tell me the truth or I dig for it.”

“Well then, I’ll just show you all my favorite math formulas.”

“I’m not afraid of math now that the attention meds are working. Talk.”

Ben slunk. “My migraines are kicking up.”

“What about the medtech?”

Ben shook his head and winced. “Doesn’t work on it anymore. Not when it’s bad like this. I need my medication, but I don’t have time to get it.”

“The droids can get it—”

“No!” Ben clenched his fist and struck the countertop. “Then Mom will know. She can’t know. She’s going to barge in here and make me stop working—Kylo, she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get how my mind works, how I can’t sleep if I’ve got something weighing on me like this project, how there’s just not enough time in the day—”

“Again, when was the last time you got any sleep?”

Ben shook his head. “No idea, to be honest. But please don’t tell Mom, not even Rey, if she asks. I’ve been telling her I’ve been sleeping in the side room so I could be closer to the work.”

“You’re going to bed.”

“Kylo, I have to work—”

“You are _going_ to _bed._ ” Kylo’s glare gave no room for negotiation.

Tears filled Ben’s eyes. “I have to save you.”

He squeezed Ben’s shoulder. “And I have to save you, from yourself.” He shook his head. “You’d do the same for me.”

Ben closed his eyes, forcing down the tears, and pressed his palm against his forehead. It was like looking in a mirror. “Kylo my head is killing me. I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to. The Hyper-Fuel will take off the edge—”

“And will keep you up even longer and make you sicker. Ben, you can’t do this.” He clasped his hand behind his brother’s neck. “You have to get better.”

“I have to save you!”

“Well we’re doomed without you anyway! Fuck, Ben, we lose you, we’re just as fucked as before, only then we’ll have no chance.” Kylo leaned in. “You are our last hope, so you _have_ to take care of yourself. It’s just as important as the work. But most important is that you’re my brother, and I love you, and I hate seeing you like this. So you have to get better, or I’m gonna make you!”

Ben gave him a crumpled smile and hung his head.

“Um…look, I’ll go get the meds for you, that way Mom doesn’t have to know if you really don’t want her to. I don’t get it, but if that’s what you want, I’ll abide by it. Then you’re going to sleep, and then you’re going to start eating real food and working real hours again.”

Ben sighed. “Ky—”

“No!” Kylo stuck his finger in Ben’s face and glared on the verge of violence. “You are going to take better care of yourself or I’m going to _make_ you.”

Ben inched back, one eyebrow up. “You’rrrrrre…starting to creep me out.”

Kylo bared his teeth for a brief moment to land his point. “Good. Go lie down, and I’ll be right back with your meds.”

Ben slid away toward the side room while Kylo loomed over him, making sure his brother got in that damn bed. Ben slipped under the blanket and grinned with his thumb up. Good. Very good. He didn’t want to have to scare Ben, but it was for his own well-being.

He’d be gentle later.

Kylo ran toward the pharmacy as to not arouse suspicion by using the house transport and caught a public one the rest of the way. Ben’s order was waiting, and Kylo returned as quickly as he could. Hopefully Ben would be already asleep by the time he returned.

But just in case…

Kylo cloaked himself once again, and like a shadow he crept to the doors of the office. When they slid open, he caught Ben at his desk with a bottle of Hyper-Fuel to his lips, eyes huge in surprise.

“BEN!”

His brother quietly set the bottle down and sported a sheepish grin.

Kylo wasn’t having any of it. He pointed toward the side room and spoke through clenched teeth. “Bed. _Now_.” Ben held his hands up, acquiescing, and slid out of his chair. When he came close, Kylo held out his hand. “Comm.”

The look of horror that flooded Ben’s face would be comical on another day, but not when his health was in danger. “Noooo!”

Kylo’s only response was a tilt of his head and a flicking eyebrow. Ben growled and slapped his comm into Kylo’s hand.

Kylo cocked his head toward the room. “Now get over there, and I’ll bring your meds.”

Once Kylo returned with a cup of water and the necessary pills, Ben took what he needed, heavy disappointment in his face.

Kylo didn’t care. If he had to die, it would be with a healthy Ben, not someone puking his guts out that couldn’t remember the last time he had a decent meal or slept.

Ben sighed. “Thanks for getting this, buddy. I’ll sleep now, I promise.”

“Yes, you will.” Kylo knew because he wasn’t taking any chances this time. He climbed into bed next to Ben, pulled his brother against his chest, and sunk down into the pillows while Ben kept saying, “Oh, okay…okay…okay…”

With his brother’s head now resting against his chest, Kylo stroked his hair just like Mom did for him. That always made him feel better. Ben sighed, finally relaxing his muscles.

“Just promise me you won’t tell Mom about this,” Ben murmured.

“But she would help you if she knew. I know she’d help me.”

“It’s different. She’ll be upset with me because I know better, because I’ve done it before, a lot. I just hate when she’s mad at me. I can’t take it.”

Kylo nodded in understanding. “I know what you mean. I feel the same way about you.”

“Huh?”

“I can’t handle it if I think you’re going to be mad at me. You’re my comfort place, Ben. You’re where I go when the galaxy gets to be too much. If you’re mad at me, where can I go?”

Ben gave a soft laugh as he sighed again. “Just like me and Mom. I love you, buddy.”

“Love you too, Ben, and I won’t tell Mom.”

“Thank you. Getting tired now.” Ben nestled in and exhaled once more. In only a few short minutes he grew heavy, light snores pouring from his open mouth.

Kylo was really worried about his brother and hoped he’d get better soon. Without Ben, life would just flatten and go cold. Kylo had to take better care of him if Ben wasn’t able to take care of himself.

But he had one more concern.

Kylo looked down at his chest where Ben’s head rested. _I really hope he doesn’t drool on me again._

~*~

A few weeks later (that saw Ben’s full recovery, which improved his work,) Kylo reviewed his checklist. So many things to do to prepare for his emergence day, and it was a lot harder this year. Usually he only had to give Palpatine and Snoke a gift, and once Snoke was out of the way, he only had to give the one gift to Palpatine. A service, an honor to his greatness, something that would make the Master proud.

Because on your emergence day, you honored those who allowed you to keep living.

Snoke’s gifts were easier than Palpatine’s. He just had to show how much he learned in the past year, show how capable he was. Through his demonstrations and actions, he would show he’d learned well from Snoke. Palpatine? For the Great Master, you had to make a big impression or he would just destroy you and make another in your place. Snoke was a lot more forgiving, but that wasn’t saying a lot.

He loved Snoke as much as he hated him, because Snoke was all he had. But even at Kylo’s most loyal and loving, he was constantly plagued with voices and thoughts that told him how evil and cruel Snoke was and didn’t care about him. Told him everything Kylo did was wrong, his body was wrong, his entire existence was wrong. All to push him into a state of frenzy, anger, and fear, but also detachment.

The source of those voices wanted Kylo to be able to kill without question or sentiment. Apparently, he showed too much hesitation when told to finish off his training partners.

By the age of ten, he would spend days without food (but not without keeping up his vigorous physical training regimen) because he could fight but didn’t want to kill. Master Palpatine’s orders, Snoke told him, for the only father Kylo had ever known would _never_ be so cruel, but they both had to obey and please the Great Master. Snoke assured him that his destiny lay in being the most powerful and feared warrior in the galaxy, and it would honor him if Kylo shed his lingering sense of compassion and caring for others. Assurance turned to brutality when Kylo still hesitated. And when beatings and shocks weren’t forcing his hand, the desperation of hunger certainly would.

Kylo, just a child, would look down into a man’s eyes he had just defeated with his practice lightsaber.

“FINISH HIM!” Snoke would scream.

“Do it,” Palpatine would hiss.

And Kylo would just hover above, lightsaber pointed at the man’s chest while he looked into those fearful eyes that begged him to stop. Kylo never wanted to hurt anyone. There was a gentleness inside of him he wasn’t allowed to show, but it always floated within, staying his hand and making him far more merciful than was acceptable.

The beatings and shocks, that pain could be overcome, useful even if he could transform it into power. It was the hunger that drove him, that destroyed his compassion, because not only was it a desperation, a cry for help from his body, but the lack of energy and nutrients made it so he couldn’t think straight. Compassion didn’t linger much when hunger drove him to dissociate from his own being, enough that when he finally drove his saber down, it was like someone else was doing the killing for him, keeping that soft compassionate Kylo safe—and fed.

Snoke said that other lives didn’t matter, anyway. Just like Kylo himself, everyone was expendable.

Maybe if Kylo let someone else take over, maybe that person could kill and Kylo could eat. Maybe Ren, the master from which he was made, could take over. Ren could kill, and Kylo could eat.

Kylo let Ren squeeze the hilt of the saber. Ren stepped forward while Kylo just sat back, detached, letting it all happen because it would happen anyway no matter what he did. Either he killed or died. Death was inevitable.

Ren swung the saber in Kylo’s hand. Ren jammed it into the chest of the expendable man. Ren pulled it back out and sliced through the neck.

Ren looked down at the body because Kylo couldn’t look. He felt too sick. Ren was the one that decided it was good.

So did Snoke. Kylo got two more cubes than usual, a feast! And it would be okay because Ren did it for him.

The more he killed, the more Snoke praised him. And that felt good, to have his father’s favor, to be treated with respect and kindness (lack of violence was the extent of such kindness.) That drove him to kill more, even if it was this other part of himself doing it and keeping little Kah-wo inside of him safe.

Snoke beamed with pride as he showed how well he had raised and groomed such a proud warrior to serve Master Sidious.

All of it would be Snoke’s undoing. He never realized Palpatine would sacrifice him to create the Sith Warrior Kylo Ren.

Lost in his memories, Kylo drifted to that pivotal moment, where little Kah-wo finally died and the cold killer Kylo Ren was born…

At the ripe age of fourteen, Kylo decimated the warriors that had been summoned, prepared, or captured to serve as fodder for his training. His red cross-guard saber, that had been so dim and useless until he cracked and fed the kyber crystal his blood, soared with crackling fury through hardened, well-trained, armored warriors. They stood no chance against his strength and power.

His fiery red blade sliced through the neck of the last warrior, felling the massive man in a spray of sparks. After surveying his handiwork, the ground littered with corpses, he turned and knelt before Palpatine.

“For your honor, my Great Master!” Kylo cried, head bowed in supplication. “I, Kylo of the mighty Master Ren, serve you with death and blood upon my fourteenth year of existence!”

“Gooood,” Palpatine crooned with a smile. “It is a great gift you give to me on the day commemorating your emergence from the lab. But there is one more gift you must give me before you can learn the most powerful secrets of the Sith.”

“Anything, Master. I was created for and live only to serve your greatness.”

“Then you will pass your final test without question, won’t you?”

“I will, Master. Anything. I am at your command.” Kylo was not looking up at him, so when he heard the next words, he had not expected it in the slightest.

“Kill Snoke.”

Though he was not supposed to look upon the Great Master unless asked to, he couldn’t help but flash his eyes up to the withered creature on a machine. “What?”

Snoke shared the same alarm. “Master?”

Palpatine did not look at Snoke, only held Kylo’s gaze. “Do as you are commanded, Kylo Ren. This is the gift I require from you.” His dry and milky eyes narrowed. “Kill him.”

Kylo’s heart pounded in his chest. It seemed so unreal, all of it unreal.

“You promised me!” Snoke cried to Palpatine. “You promised me glory and to reign by your side!”

Palpatine still didn’t look at Snoke, as if the tall master of the Dark was already dead, let alone expendable. “See how weak your master has become? But you are not weak, are you Kylo?”

Kylo tried to hide the terror and heartbreak that quickened his breaths. Was this a test? To see if he _would_ kill if asked to? Or was he really expected to kill the only father he had ever known? “No…I am not weak. I am NOT WEAK!”

“Kylo!” Snoke cried. “I raised you! I gave you everything! Don’t you dare turn on me now!”

Kylo gripped his saber, torn, so very torn by it all.

“Do it,” Palpatine said. “Do as every Sith apprentice has done before you. Slay your master and take your place as _my_ apprentice.”

Snoke bared his crooked teeth. “That spot by your side belongs to me! I won’t let some growth from a lab take it from me now!”

Snoke may as well have put a lightsaber in his heart. So that’s all Kylo was to him? Some growth from a lab? When Kylo had loved him, thought of him as a father, let himself be brutalized to win his favor, and in the end he was just a growth to this man?

Kylo fingered the switch of his lightsaber. How could any of this be real? It _had_ to be a test.

“Kylo…” Palpatine’s voice took on a warning tone. “…do not assume this task is optional. You kill him and take his place as my apprentice—” He pointed his finger. “—or you will be the one rotting with these corpses.” A glow in his eyes added to the piercingly ominous tone. “And I will not offer the mercy you have shown them.”

Kylo had stabbed chests, lopped off limbs and heads, and split some of his enemies in two. That was mercy?

A flash of lightning caught his attention, sparking him into his fighting stance, but the direction was not toward him. Snoke’s hands were pointed at Palpatine, white sparking lines of light coursing toward the rotting Sith Master. With a mere wave of Sidious’ hand, the lightning coursed backwards and struck Snoke. The giant monster of a man convulsed once before falling to the ground.

“Now is your chance,” Palpatine said as Snoke writhed on the ground. “Strike him down before he rises again.”

Kylo forced himself to walk those few steps forward, but still he didn’t turn on his lightsaber.

Groaning, Snoke hissed, “I taught you. I took care of you. Everything you are is because of ME!” He narrowed his eyes and pushed his next words into Kylo’s head. _Strike down Sidious. Together we can take over and rule this galaxy—_

Palpatine flung Snoke high in the air and slammed him back down onto the onyx tiles. Snoke moaned in pain, blood trickling from his mouth.

“Kyyylo,” Palpatine said in such a tone a chill wriggled up Kylo’s spine, “do not hesitate any longer or you will be next to feel my wrath.”

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut, finger pressed against the trigger, but still he didn’t flick it on. He opened his eyes once more to gaze down upon Snoke. Mouth quivering, his entire body following suit, he shoved out, “I can’t. He’s my father.”

Kylo didn’t understand the look in Snoke’s eyes. It should have been loving, grateful, for Kylo knew he would suffer for his choice. Instead, it seemed…sinister.

Palpatine spat, “Weak filth you raised!”

Lightning seared through Kylo’s body, his limbs frozen as he fell to the tile, convulsing. He scrambled, trying to make his arms work, channeling the agony into a surge of Dark power. His hand finally slammed onto his lightsaber, and though he was still on the ground, through sheer will of the Force he switched it on and held it over himself to deflect any further attacks.

“Get up!” Palpatine hissed. “Finish him!”

Kylo forced himself to his feet even as his body still screamed with the internal burn. His lightsaber hung heavy in his hands as he tried to step closer to Snoke.

He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t do it. Even if the man only thought of him as nothing more than a growth from a lab, Kylo had looked into those eyes most of his life for everything—knowledge, praise, direction, even a sense of comfort, however little that would be. How could he cut him down now?

“Guards!” Palpatine called. “Give Kylo a reason to obey.”

The red-clad Praetorian Guard clamored around him in a semicircle, its opening toward Snoke who was just finally getting to his knees. Kylo swung his lightsaber to defend himself against glowing stabs and slashes from kyber-infused weaponry. His body barely obeyed him, but at least transforming the pain into power helped. Still, they were driving him back, driving him toward Snoke.

“Guards!” Palpatine said. “If the walking experiment won’t kill Snoke, then kill _him!_ ”

Snoke growled. “I won’t be done in by some creature!” He thrust his hands out, sparks gathering along his fingertips.

Oh damnit. Kylo was surrounded, everyone planning to kill him. The thought occurred to finally just let them, put him out of the misery of a perpetual no-win situation that was his life.

Just as he was about to tip fully into the pit of despair, pure rage rose within him, Master Ren calling from deep within the well of his power. _Do not give them what they want. Show them your power. Show them all your power. I will help you. You bear the blood of mighty Master Ren. Show them who they’re dealing with!_

Lightning struck out once more, but Kylo just dodged out of the way, letting half the guard take the brunt of it. He fought off another attacking guard and with a thrust of the Force shoved him toward Snoke. Kylo’s master growled and blasted at the guard, letting Kylo slide under and swing upwards with his saber.

Snoke roared as his strong arm flung away from his body, nothing but a cauterized stump left behind. Kylo used the moment of distraction to swing again, taking out Snoke’s opposite leg.

His father/adversary on the ground, Kylo stood over him with his lightsaber held high.

“FINISH HIM!” Palpatine cried.

Kylo knew there was no choice, not with the guards still at his back, Palpatine at his front, and Snoke bearing a death scowl. And yet he hesitated.

Snoke’s voice bore into his head. _Don’t do this, Kylo! He’s weak on a machine. You can take him out and we can rule! I can hold back the guard. All you have to do is strike the blow, and we’ll be free to rule in his stead!_

Kylo wavered, wondering if he should just turn on the Great Master and keep Snoke. Maybe it could work. Maybe they could—

Snoke thrust out his good hand and flung him backwards, right into a guard’s spear. It pierced the farthest reach of the left side of his back and poked out the front, horrendous in its pain, but unlikely to have hit any vital organs. Still, it did its job—knocking him off his guard in the most excruciating way possible.

Snoke squeezed his hand and gripped Kylo in a choke far worse than any he’d endured before, cutting off his air supply in seconds, perhaps even his blood supply, crushing his entire body in one squeeze. Kylo gripped his lightsaber, even as his body fell numb.

Palpatine wasn’t helping him out of this. No, of course not. If Kylo died, he’d just be replaced with another clone. Kylo’s only chance of survival was himself.

_He doesn’t deserve your mercy_ , Master Ren told him. _No one does. Show him your power, your true power. Show him what he’s created, for what he’s created shall be his undoing. Prove to all that you have earned the name of Ren. Kill him. Kill Snoke and claim your seat beside Darth Sidious._

Just on the verge of unconsciousness, Kylo drew up every time Snoke hit him, struck him with Force-lightning, berated him, tortured and tormented him, destroyed his hope, his life, and his heart and soul. Deep-seated rage boiled with the Dark Side of the Force until he forced just as hard of a squeeze on his assailant. Snoke gasped, surprised, and Kylo just let it all flow out of him, raw and untamed, vicious and brutal. With a strangled roar against the still-tight hold on his throat, he used every ounce of his power to squeeze Snoke in return, until finally, he heard an ominous snap.

The hold on him dropped immediately, and both fell to the ground. Kylo gasped for air while Snoke gurgled on his own blood.

“Finish him!” Palpatine hissed.

Barely conscious, scarcely able to move, still Kylo forced himself to his feet, lightsaber held tightly in his hand, never would his only companion leave his hand. Two staggering, lumbering steps are all it took to breach the gap between the two.

Kylo looked down into blue eyes that had the Force-fucking nerve to beg him for mercy.

_Kylo…don’t…I’m all you have…_

Kylo bit back. _Master Ren is all I have._

Giving in to the cold, the dead, the empty side of himself that no longer wanted to ever feel again, he swung his red lightsaber and lopped off Snoke’s head. It rolled beneath Palpatine and remained staring back at him, no longer begging for mercy, just angry to be done in by a growth from a lab.

Kylo collapsed, his lightsaber extinguished, gasping for breath as he tried to hold himself up on his shaking arms.

“Gooood.” Palpatine smiled, a gruesome skull grin. “Keep up the good work and perhaps you’ll earn the right to be considered human one day.”

Kylo could barely breathe, let alone speak. “Thank you, Master,” he muttered.

“Only a real human is worthy to serve by my side. You have a lot of work to do before you will ever be considered more than a creature from a jar.” That grin was back. “But this was a fine first step, my boy. Go now. Tell Tardisius to give you the Elder Three books. Memorize them. And droids! Make sure Kylo gets an extra cube tonight.”

The droids did set an extra protein cube on his tray, but for the longest time, his dinner (usually consumed in seconds) sat untouched. Instead, Kylo remained hunched over the toilet, vomiting the nothing he had eaten in the four days before this battle, all while bracing the cauterized wound in his side that throbbed with every heave. All he could see was Snoke staring up at him, begging him for mercy. All he could feel was the stark coldness and emptiness around him. Snoke was horrible, but at least he was _there_. Now Kylo had nothing. No one.

Trying so hard not to give in to the pain inside of him, terrified the Master would find out, he clenched his eyes shut and shook with dry sobs, doing everything in his power to silence them before anyone could report his failure to keep his weaknesses in check.

He had to kill all these feelings inside of him. There was no room for them anymore. Little boy Kah-wo, the toddling baby that still smiled and had hope, had died in that battle. Snoke had been merciful, even in his cruelty. Now Darth Sidious was his master, and there would be no mercy ever again.

So Kylo had to be just as ruthless, and the only one strong enough to endure that was Master Ren inside of him.

On his fourteenth emergence day, Kylo gave Palpatine the gift of Snoke’s life, and paid for it with his soul.

Kylo heaved in a breath as he slipped out of that memory. Maybe the little boy inside of him didn’t die after all. Maybe he just had to sleep while Master Ren took over, the only one capable of protecting Kylo through the brutality that was to come.

But Kylo Ren died on Kef Bir, and that gave little Kah-wo the chance to emerge, to try again, try to live a real life with his soul and heart intact.

Ben and his family were helping to nurture and grow that boy, and so they needed special gifts to show how much Kylo grew because of them. This emergence day was going to be the best ever!

It was also in some ways more difficult. He had Ben, Mom, Dad, Uncle Chewy, and Rey to give to, and cutting down enemies like he used to wouldn’t be something that would make them proud.

Mom was easy. Kylo was going to make her pancakes and put berries in a smiley face on top. That would make her happy and proud to know she had taught him how to cook.

Rey was also easy. They would go to the shooting range together, and he’d beat his top score to show her how she helped him up his skills.

For Dad, Kylo was thinking of taking him up in the Silencer. Kylo knew of a planet with some serious canyons, some of which went underground, wickedly dangerous for flying and so much fun. Dad would really appreciate knowing how much of his skills as a pilot were passed on to Kylo.

Uncle Chewy? That was hard. Kylo was thinking to either fire off the bowcaster at a target or perhaps lift something in a show of strength.

As for Ben, that was _really_ hard because Ben had done so much for him and shown him everything. He kept a calculus problem handy in case he couldn’t come up with anything else, but he really wanted to pick something special.

Kylo dug and dug through his comm until he came upon something that sparked an idea, only it was stupid and childish. Ben would probably hate it. Well, he’d never say that, but it still was stupid.

Yet as Kylo gazed at the picture of Ben, one arm around Rey, the other around Kylo, the idea wouldn’t leave his mind.

~*~

Kylo worked his crayons in stark concentration when he knew Ben would be busy. He wanted this to be a surprise and hoped he could finish by the date of his emergence from the jar. It was one thing to scribble, draw random shapes, or rub crayon deep into the grooves of the dura-paper, quite another to copy the visuals before him. Thankfully most of life looked like shapes anyway, and those he was good at.

This whole idea was inspired by something that happened a few weeks earlier and taught him that people valued pictures and memories…

“Oh, look at this one!” Leia was biting her lip and smiling as she projected the next image from her comm. Ben hid in his shirt and groaned while Rey giggled onto his lap. It was a baby Ben in nothing but a diaper covered from head to toe in blue pudding. “I was making that for a pool party until a hungry little Benny-bear got into it.”

“Mooo-o-ooo-o-om!” Ben groaned from beneath the shirt.

“Benny-bear,” Rey cackled, kicking her feet in the air. “You are just so adorable!”

“Leave me alone.”

“But you’re so stinking cute!” She tickled his bare ribs to his high-pitched giggles.

Leia put her hand to her mouth. “Ohhhh, now this one’s precious.” Another projection showed Ben asleep on his back, floppy waves of hair spread around his head, his hand clutching a microscope. “He was only five, and he took that everywhere he went.”

“Awwww,” Rey teased, tickling her fingers at his jaw as he emerged red-faced from the inside of his shirt.

“By the Force, Mom,” Ben said, “you’re murdering me here.”

Leia pinched his cheek. “Oh, but you look so cute!” She tossed up another projection. “Ah, here’s when we arrived on Ossus to put Ben in the Jedi Temple.”

Kylo leaned closer. “I don’t see him.”

Leia pointed. “Right there, one eye peeking out from beneath my overcoat. Oh, and here’s where we finally got him settled. Look!” A tiny Ben stood with a huge smile and matching ears while wearing cream and brown Jedi robes.

“Awwwwww.” Rey grabbed Ben’s face in her hands and smooched him all over. “You were just the cutest widdle boy I’ve ever seen.”

Kylo examined each picture closely, not quite understanding Rey’s reactions but having a few feelings of his own. “Does everyone keep pictures of each other?”

“Most do,” Leia said. “Memories are precious.” She stood next to him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Do you have pictures from when you were a little boy?”

Kylo shook his head. “I only saw some video that wasn’t deleted by the droids that took care of me as a baby.”

Ben leaned forward. “Why would they delete them?”

Kylo shrugged. “They needed the space on their storage, oldest video gets purged first. Some stuff remained though. I was really active, climbing and running.”

Ben smiled. “Sounds about right.”

“Then I would hug the droids, especially when I was crying, but they didn’t hug me back.” A collective, sad, “Awww,” erupted from his family. Crap, did he make them unhappy? Maybe he had something else to talk about. “I couldn’t say the name they called me, the Skywalker-Solo Experiment, so I just kept saying my name was Kah-wo.” He received the same “Awwww,” but in a brighter, sweeter tone. Fascinating.

Rey draped herself over Ben’s lap. “I’m totally calling you Kah-wo from now on. That’s adorable.” Kylo growled at her. “Well it fits better. Your name is a tongue twister now.” She enunciated with a floppy tongue, “Ky-lo So-lo.”

“Well I am a Solo now. And I’m proud to be.” _Ky-lo So-lo._ Why did she have to stick him with that thought?

Leia kissed him on the head. “Of course you are, honey. And we’re proud to have you in our family.”

He smiled, and then it turned wistful. “I wish I could have baby and family pictures like Ben. But I guess it doesn’t matter since we look alike.”

Leia rubbed his shoulders. “It does matter. You matter. But the only thing we _can_ do about it now is take lots of family pictures together. Like this one, my new favorite.” She projected an image of Ben with one arm around Rey and one around Kylo taken at the Boardwalk. “Would you like to have this one on your comm?”

Kylo’s eyes brightened. “Yes, please.” _Ky-lo So-lo, damnit!_

Leia swiped the picture over toward his comm. He projected a smaller version for himself and studied it. Ben was smiling, wide and proud and happy. Rey was smiling, devilish but sweet, like she was really having fun. And Kylo? Also smiling, happy, loved and included. And in that moment he was glad he had no pictures from his time on Exegol. There would be no happiness in that child’s eyes. No smile. This right here, this was his real life.

Ben tipped his head forward. “You okay, Ky?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I like this picture. This is how I want to be. Smiling. With you guys.” _Ky-lo So-lo…or maybe Ky Solo. Hm, that sounds smooth, and Rey can’t do that annoying thing with her mouth when she says it._ “I want lots of pictures like this.”

Leia patted his arms. “Well we are going to make lots of memories and take lots of pictures. Rey, do you have any from when you were a little girl?”

Rey sat up, excited. “I do! Here.” She projected the first one. “Look! My first gun.”

Ben leaned his chin on her shoulder. “Awww, it’s a mini Rock Hound piece!”

“Oh and look, here’s me holding a gun on this ship we robbed blind!”

Ben licked his lips. “That’s…both terrifying and extremely adorable.” He nuzzled into her neck. “My piratey little robber, you.”

“Oh look, and here’s me with my lightsaber when it was still red.”

“Still red?”

“Yeah, it was my father’s, but when I found it hidden in storage and held it for the first time, a voice on the Force said I had to make it my own. I remember taking time every day to hold my kyber crystal and connect with the Force. Half the time I was just frustrated and angry, but other times I would get this swell of energy that just settled me, connected me with the universe, planets and rock, plants and trees, fresh air and seas, insects and animals, just life at its more pure, wild, and raw. One day it really hit me, really centered me in all things, and when I looked into my hand, the crystal had turned yellow, balanced between the Dark and the Light. The lightsaber was now my own.”

Ben wrapped his arms around her from behind. “That’s so beautiful.”

“How’d you get your kyber crystal?”

“Oh Luke dragged me to a cave and told me to connect with one. Damn place was dark and spooky and things kept moving in the shadows—I don’t care what Uncle Luke said about me seeing things! So I just grabbed the one screaming as loud as I was and got out of there as soon as I could.”

Rey nodded toward Kylo. “What about you? Did you have to make your own crystal like my Dad did?”

Kylo nodded. “Yeah, and it was dim and a piece of shit until I grabbed it one day…”

Kylo smiled as he continued his drawing, siphoning from that memory of pictures and kyber crystals, picking blue for Ben, yellow for Rey, and red for himself. He really wasn’t good at this whole drawing thing yet, but he needed to give Ben something that would make him proud.

~*~

The day of his emergence finally arrived. Kylo woke up early to make Leia’s pancakes, only to find her already in the kitchen.

“Oh, Kylo! You’re up so early.”

Damn, so much for a surprise. “Yeah, I uh, wanted to…make something.”

Leia smiled. “Not today my fudgy brownie. I’m making breakfast for my birthday boy.”

Kylo leaned in, intrigued. “Who’s your birthday boy?”

“Well you are, honey. Isn’t today your birthday?”

Kylo blinked. “I wasn’t born. I don’t get a birthday.”

Leia grasped his cheeks and pulled him down to kiss his forehead. “Well in this house, in this family, you have a birthday, and I’m going to make you your very favorite breakfast.”

Now this was just nuts. Why was she doing that for _him?_ “Uhhh…okay.” Mom’s special emergence pancakes would have to wait until later when he could get the kitchen to himself.

Leia tapped at her comm. “The rest of the family is going to be very busy today, so you and I will have breakfast together, and then maybe we’ll go for a walk on the beach, how’s that sound?”

Kylo nodded. “It’s perfect.” Maybe those pancakes would have to wait until dinner then.

Kylo loved spending time with Mom. She always made him feel special and had so many wise and kind words for him. He thought about the baby pictures with a pang of longing. He would have given anything to have been raised by Leia and Han and have Ben as a big brother. Then he wouldn’t be a mess plagued with nightmares and sudden spurts of rage and violence.

When they got home, Leia told him to go rest for a bit while she did something in the kitchen. He hid his frustration because this was _Mom_ , but how was he going to make her pancakes if she kept taking over the kitchen? And where was everyone else? He needed to get Rey to the shooting range, Dad up in the Silencer, and show Uncle Chewy how good of a shot he was.

After fifteen minutes and 150 pushups, Ben called him on his comm and told him to come to the lab. Kylo sprung up in excitement. Whenever Ben summoned him to the lab, something fun was going on! Maybe they’d make some candy again or glowing drinks.

But first…

Kylo grabbed the dura-paper drawing. Might as well give Ben his emergence gift.

~*~

Kylo signaled the lab door to open and stepped—

“SURPRISE!”

His assailants barely got to the -ise before he whipped out his lightsaber and roared into his war cry. Moments later he was frozen on the Force, and just before he fought to break out of it, he realized it was Rey and Ben holding him.

In fact, his whole family was there.

“Buddy!” Ben said, eyebrows turned upward, half of a smile on his lips. “It’s just us!”

Han rolled his eyes. “I told you a surprise party was a bad idea! Kid’s primed for war and you want to scare the hell out of him for fun.”

Kylo looked back and forth to each family member and felt the hold release. He clicked off his lightsaber but didn’t yet stow it. “What’s going on?”

“It’s a surprise party!” Ben said. “For your birthday.”

Kylo traced his eyes across them again. “I don’t know what that means.”

Leia smiled that ever patient smile of hers. “Honey, it’s a party to celebrate you on your birthday. We have all your favorite foods and cake and gifts.”

Kylo lowered and hooked his lightsaber but was still completely confused. “Whaaaaat?”

Rey was ever impatient. “Guh, dummy! It’s your twenty-first birthday, and we’re throwing you a party. It’s a fun time because we’re happy you get to live another year. And for people like us, that’s a hell of a thing to celebrate.”

He heard fun, and happy and party sounded kind of nice, especially because it was small, not like that huge bash on Ajan Kloss. But he was still so confused. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because we love you,” Leia said. “And here on Chandrila and many other places, we celebrate when someone we love gets to be a year older.” She took his hand. “Oh honey, you really never celebrated your birthday before? Or had anyone acknowledge it?”

“Oh yes, my emergence day was acknowledged. I worked hard all year for it.”

Ben blinked. “What?”

“Yeah, I worked really hard so that when the emergence day came, I could show my master how much I learned and could do. If I did really well, my master would be proud of me. That was my gift to him for letting me live another year.”

Faces fell all around him, and he felt terrible. What did he say wrong?

“Oh Ky…”

Leia tilted her head. “So you never got one gift? No one celebrated _you_ or even had a nice thing to say to you?”

“Well yeah, if I did well. My fourteenth year was probably my best. I slaughtered a bunch of enemies Master Sidious put before me, and I knelt before him to show him how well I had done under his and Snoke’s teachings. But…” They all seemed too dumbfounded to prompt him so he just continued on his own. “…that was the day I had to kill Snoke. That’s the gift the Master wanted from me. I really didn’t want to, but I didn’t have a choice.” He brightened. “But at least I got to be the Master’s apprentice, and that was the greatest gift. I had made him proud enough to show favor towards me!” He smiled, so excited to share this information.

But they just stared.

It was Rey who broke the silence. She stepped over and patted him on the shoulder in her usual warrior swagger and fashion. “Ky, that’s just awful.”

Kylo’s brightness dropped. “Well I didn’t have a choice.”

“Not talking about that, talking about…that you don’t even know what a fucking birthday is and you think you have to give others gifts for letting you live another year. Shit, even the pirate ship celebrated our birthdays. Usually the gifts were guns, ammo, or booze, but we had a big party and celebrated until we were shitfaced and unconscious.”

Ben stepped over and put his arm around Kylo’s shoulders. “A birthday is about you, celebrating you, making you happy, giving _you_ the gifts, and not…making you give us bloody ones.”

Han huffed. “I wouldn’t mind a Hutt-head at my feet, just saying.”

Kylo flinched and looked around. “Waaaait. You’re saying this is a day to make me happy and give me gifts? For no reason?”

Ben squeezed him. “Because we love you, that’s the reason.”

Kylo pointed to himself. “And I don’t give you guys gifts, you give them to me?”

He heard Chewbacca say, “Now you understand.”

With that in mind, he finally took in the lab. It was decorated in black and red with dangling toy lightsabers and TIE fighters. There were even Caverns and Rancors posters on the walls. His favorite foods were all laid out, and in the center was a huge cake. Written in red gel icing were the words, “Happy Birthday Kylo. We love you.”

His trembling lips pressed together as tears stung his eyes. They did this for him! They did all this for him, just because they loved him. He didn’t have to perform or prove himself. They were just happy he was with them another year.

He broke into a laugh even as tears rolled down his cheeks. Who knew that this was a thing? That once a year people would celebrate you because they loved you?

The first thing he did was bury his laughter and tears in a tight hug with Ben. “Thank you,” he whispered before taking in a shuddering breath.

Ben rubbed his back. “Oh, you’re welcome, buddy. Dad was probably right for once, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to surprise you like that, huh?”

Kylo laughed and sniffled. “I’m sorry I launched into attack mode.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Bad judgment call on my part.”

Han put his hands on his hips. “What do you mean, right for once?”

Kylo parted from Ben and wiped his eyes before taking his hugs to everyone in the room. First Mom, and he had to hunch down to rock her in his arms and kiss her head. Rey and Uncle Chewy who could take the rough stuff with ease. And finally Dad who waited with open arms and a smile.

And he didn’t have to kill this one on his emergence day—no, _birthday_.

Between copious mouthfuls of fried cheese, crab meat, and juicy _belba_ fruits, Kylo told them what he had planned to prove his worthiness. Uncle Chewy told him they could go shoot the bowcaster later that day. Dad still wanted to go up in the Silencer, so they planned a day for it that week. Rey was always up for shooting and they set a date for that. And Mom welcomed pancakes the next morning.

As for Ben?

Kylo pulled the dura-paper drawing out of his pocket and handed it over. “I was thinking of maybe doing a math problem for you, but then I thought of what would really make you proud, and I realized it’s us. All of us, but especially us three together. The trio. We were each a disaster, but when we came together and loved one another, we were strong enough to defeat Palpatine. And now here we are, still learning and growing, but still together. Forever.”

It was Ben’s turn to press his trembling lips together and nod, moisture sparkling at the rims of his eyes. “This is incredible, Ky. It’s not even my birthday and I get the best gift ever.”

Kylo smiled. “You really like it? I’m not so good at drawing yet. It’s not pretty, but it means something.”

Ben squeezed his shoulder. “It means everything to me. And it is really good, especially for someone who just started drawing. I like how you made each of us in our lightsaber colors.” He smiled and held it to his chest. “I know the perfect place. Right in my office, so I can look at it every day and truly be proud, just like you said.”

Kylo smiled. This was the best emergence gift he had ever given anyone.

After wolfing down a giant piece of cake and getting icing all over himself like a toddler, it was time to open gifts (for him! What a concept!)

He wasn’t surprised at Rey’s gift, but loved it nonetheless: a brand new laser blaster worthy of a Rock-Hound ship with plasma grenade cartridges, perfect for those little trips they took with Dad and Uncle Chewy. He couldn’t wait to try it out, hopefully in the chest of a bounty hunter.

“Here honey,” Mom said, handing him a sack, “I have two gifts for you. This one may seem a little silly, but your story about hugging the droids when you were a baby—well, here.”

Kylo pulled the ribbon, dug into the sack, and pulled out a big, fluffy, furry, toy creature.

Ben’s eyes lit up. “A stuffed Ewok! I had one of those when I was a kid! Remember, Mom? I used to carry it everywhere and stuff my face in it when I got scared.”

“Of course I do, muffin. That’s where I got the idea.” 

“I probably shouldn’t have used him to test that prototype mini ship, but I’m sure he’s somewhere in space enjoying the view.”

“A stuffy?” Han snorted. “Really, Leia?”

Leia stuck one finger up at him and turned back to Kylo to rub his arm. “I know it’s not quite a gift for a twenty-one-year-old man, but you never had a nice stuffed toy to hug when you were a child, and I thought maybe you might like to have one. You can keep it in the sack if you think it’s embarrassing, but—” She shrugged. “—sometimes we need to hug something soft when things get a little rough.”

Kylo dug his fingers into the fur. It was so fluffy, just like the carpet on his toes. He wrapped his arms around it and gave it a good squeeze. His eyes closed, and in that moment, it wasn’t his twenty-first birthday. He was a little boy, cold and scared, wanting so bad to hold on to something and finding only his own arms. Now that little boy, little Kah-wo, had something soft and comforting to nuzzle his nose into. With a sigh and a sparkle of tears along his eyelashes, he opened his eyes and smiled as he regarded the toy. “I love it, Mom. And it’s not embarrassing at all. I would have done anything to have something like this back then. It will always be special to me.” He turned to her and kissed her on the head.

Leia rubbed her hands up and down his arm. “Oh you’re welcome, honey. But that’s not all. Look what else I got you.” She slid over a large, flat box across the table.

Kylo gave the Ewok another squeeze and set it down to open the box. He gasped as a spread of colors, tools, and materials appeared before his eyes. He didn’t know what any of it was besides some blocks of dura-paper in different sizes, but the colors were mesmerizing.

Leia squeezed his arm. “Thought maybe you’d want to go beyond crayons and try some other art supplies since you’re so wonderfully creative. It has all kinds of things: chalk pastel, oil pastel, paints, colored pencils, and it has all these erasers and blenders—honestly, I don’t know much about it, the droid at the shop explained it all, but there are instruction booklets, or you can just explore and experiment, be creative.”

_Explore…experiment…be creative…_ His heart lit up like the sun at the prospects. “Mom…I love it. I love it so much.” The broadest smile spread from cheek to cheek. “I can’t wait to try it, all of it.” He ran his fingers over the rainbow of supplies. “So many colors. I’ve never seen so many colors in one place.” He turned to Leia and gripped her in the biggest hug. “Thank you, Mommy.”

“Ohhh my sweet brownie, you’re very welcome. You enjoy it, dear.”

This day was incredible. And the gifts still weren’t done!

Ben danced on his toes waiting for Kylo to open his gift. When the contents were revealed, Kylo already couldn’t wait for their next gaming night: a Caverns and Rancors full warrior set, with a figurine made to look just like Kylo in a furious stance. It came with a set of gleaming, crystal clear red dice, expansion cards, props and tools, and an orc mold with clay so Kylo could create and smash them over and over. Plus it came with a really cool T-shirt in black with his warrior tearing ass amongst fire and red slash marks.

“Ben!” Kylo cried, huge smile on a wide open mouth. “This is so cool! I love this!”

Ben grinned. “It’s all custom so there will never be anything else like it. It’s all you.”

Kylo chuckled as he played with the figurine. “It’s awesome. I’m so happy. I’m going to have so much _fun!_ ”

“I got one more gift for you.” Ben tapped at his comm. “I hope you don’t think it’s weird, but the photo editor did a really good job.” He swiped toward Kylo. “Go ahead, take a look.”

Kylo opened his images folder and tapped at the file. A slideshow of photos projected from his comm, and he didn’t quite understand it at first, but when he finally saw the scar, he gasped. Ben had a photo artist combine pictures of himself at ten and also as a baby but bearing a scar. The result looked like Kylo had been a part of the family from the beginning. On and on through the years, images showed Kylo growing up beside Ben.

“I know it’s not reality,” Ben said, “but sometimes reality sucks. I like imagining a world where this really happened. Oh, and I made sure they didn’t pick any of the anxious pictures to represent you. There…weren’t a lot like that, so they really had their work cut out for them.”

Kylo thought about the picture Mom had sent him, of the three of them smiling together. Somehow, it all seemed more real, that the person in that picture had smiled just like that his entire life. And he liked it.

Overwhelmed, he could barely speak past the lump in his throat. “Ben…it’s incredible.” He flicked through the pictures. “My family. I’m really part of a family.” Without shutting down the projection, he threw his arms around Ben and just held him. His brother was the reason he was even celebrating another emergence—no, birthday, and the reason for his happiness. “Thank you…for everything…for my life.”

“Thank _you_ for giving mine so much more depth and meaning. I love you, buddy.”

“Love you, too,” Kylo squeaked out.

Wiping her own tears, Leia hugged her boys, and even Rey had to snort and pretend she wasn’t trying to suppress hers as she joined in the hug.

Kylo wrapped his arms around the bunch. “Thank you, everyone. I feel so special. Never felt special before. I like it.”

Han grinned from the doorway. “Day ain’t over yet, kid. Me and your Uncle here got one more gift for you.”

Kylo smiled wide, his eyebrows high. “Really? Where?”

Han cocked his head toward the exit. “Come on outside.”

Kylo followed his father and uncle while Ben, Rey, and Leia trailed in curiosity. Apparently they weren’t in on this gift that required the outdoors. Han pointed around the corner of the house and let Kylo find it on his own.

If his jaw could hit the floor, it would have cracked open from the impact. Before him, in black and sparkling metallic crimson, with red LED light trim was his very own Skybike, matching helmet perched on top.

“WHAAAAT?!” Kylo cried, his fists clenched in his excitement.

Rey screamed and jumped up and down while Leia sighed and put her hands on her hips. “Han!”

Dad gave that Solo shrug. “ _Wha-at?!_ Had a few good jobs lately, Kylo was a big help. Felt he needed a big gift, a _man’s_ gift.”

“He liked the Ewok!” she hissed back.

Rey stuck her finger up. “For the record, that is also a woman’s gift, and I do believe I have a birthday coming up, too.” She grinned. “White and gold would fit me just right.”

Kylo approached the Skybike as if he wasn’t entirely sure it was real, but once his hand touched the cool, glossy surface, he cried out in glee. “Dad!” He ran to his father (who put his hands up in terror for some reason) and gripped him in the biggest hug. “Thank you, Dad!” He dropped Han, who heaved out a breath and nearly collapsed. Kylo then gave his uncle the same treatment. “Thank you, Uncle Chewy!” The Wookiee took his hug just fine.

“Dad!” Ben cried. “Why’d you have to one-up us?”

“Shhhh…” Rey rubbed his arm. “He didn’t one-up—so Han—Dad, thinking all white with shiny gold trim…”

Leia was back to her usual smacking of Han’s arm. “Those things are so dangerous, why’d you have to give our baby boy one?”

Han snorted. “Because the big boy won’t even be seen near one.”

“ _Dad!_ ” Ben growled.

“Ah come on, where’s the harm?”

Leia lowered her voice. “We just nearly lost him and you want to stick him on something so dangerous?”

Han pointed toward Kylo. “He can fly the Silencer at full 150 Megalight within a five unit pass of sheer rock-face. I’m not worried.”

Leia had nothing to say to that besides lips pressed in a line, so Ben continued his protests. “But Dad! Now our gifts look like crap in comparison! You could have at least _told_ us you were planning this!”

Han thumbed toward Leia. “And hear it from this one? Nooo thank you.”

Kylo shook his head, huge grin on his face. “Guys, I love all the gifts. Every single one.” He laughed in delight, just so happy to the point he couldn’t believe he could ever be so happy. “I’ve never received a gift before in my life. Or a birthday, or a party. I love everything. And I love you all…” He sniffled and swiped at his eyes. “Thank you all so much,” he whispered.

Kylo opened his arms and just gathered his family into them, the best gift he had been given above all.

Finally, Han patted him hard on the arm. “Come on, quit this mushy crap and give that sucker a ride.”

Kylo’s eyes went right to his mother’s. “Can I?”

She sighed with her lips still pressed in disapproval that slowly melted into a smile. “Go, have fun, but be careful! I want my baby boy to come home safe and sound.”

Kylo kissed her on the head. “I will, Mom.” With a giggle of glee, he backed up and ran to his new Skybike. Oh man, it was a badass beauty, like the Silencer, but with a lot more red. He pulled the helmet on, lifted his leg high to straddle the machine, then fired it up.

The ground lit in bright red all around him, the engines whirring into a growling hum. He revved the handles and took one more look at his family—Han and Chewy’s pride, Rey’s excitement and unabashed envy, Ben smiling, glad he wasn’t on it while he held their worried mother.

His family, the best thing that ever happened to him, and all because of that man over there who brought him home.

Kylo gave them all a wave and expanded his senses all around him. With a hard tilt forward, he blasted across the ground, then took to the sky at full speed.

Ohhhh yes, the adrenaline rush once again! It flooded from his head to his toes and just about made him hard like last time. Fuck yes. _FUCK YES!_

~*~

That night, with his comm projecting all of his new family pictures, Kylo finished off the rest of the birthday cake while he experimented with his painting set. He learned quickly that if he waited too long, the paint would dry before he could mix other colors into it. But it did tip him off to a new concept, that he could paint _on_ the dried paint.

And so the original idea, big blasts of red, blue, yellow, green, and brown, became the background while he painted himself wearing his new shirt, dangling set of red dice around his neck, new blaster on his belt, and a stuffed Ewok in the back as he rode his new Skybike (in a month, he’d be drawing Rey’s white and gold one next to his.) It wasn’t great, not like a professional could make, but it meant something—no, meant _everything_ to him.

At the age of twenty-one, he had his first real birthday with his first real family. And no one could take that joy away from him.

_Image by land_a_joy on Twitter. Feel free to share as long as logo/watermark stay intact or credit given._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhh, Ky got his own Skybike!! 
> 
> It's a strange day when Han is the sensible one, exactly what was Ben thinking throwing a surprise party??
> 
> It's funny, in our house we still randomly say "Ky-lo So-lo" after I mentioned that line to my son. And what about Benny-bear in the pudding? LMAO!
> 
> So it's been a year since TROS came out and broke our hearts. I'll be honest, it was that broken heart that sparked all this creativity that spurred these stories this year, all this time trying to make right an injustice we fans felt to the depth of our souls. While some of my works are a little darker, I hope Galaxy and the little one shots have helped you through the pain this crazy year. I can't fix what the $$$ mouse did, but maybe we can all pretend Galaxy happened instead!
> 
> This chapter fell into perfect timing in that regard. Last year we were destroyed, but in its place, we have a Ben, Rey, and Kylo who saved the galaxy and continue to save each other in every way possible. Despite all the wonderful gifts, Kylo knows the greatest gift of all was being at the end of it with his family. So let the misery of TROS fall away to the smiles of Ky and the Solo family!
> 
> Next two weeks I will be posting on Wednesdays because of the holidays, so you get to see the next chapter sooner than later! What's coming up? Well, seems our sweet Ky is finally going to get a girlfriend! Melanie may not take that well, neither will someone else in the Solo house...
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	11. Kylo's Girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I have a girlfriend,” Kylo told Ben and Rey. He scratched his head. “Or at least I think I do.”  
>   
>  Rey sighed. “Despite what Ben has told you, Melanie doesn’t count.”_
> 
> When Kylo starts dating, Melanie doesn't take the news too well. But there's someone else in the house who may take it even worse.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for side-character abusive relationships, a suicidal reference towards the end, and a situation during a memory I wasn't sure how to tag properly. In the memory, Rey asks Kylo to stop and he doesn't, not to be a toxic prick, but because he doesn't understand what's going on. Since it's Rey, we know the situation will be dealt with in split seconds, but if that's uncomfortable, you may want to skip the memory at the beginning of the chapter. It starts with "Kissing Rey was everything" and ends with "Kylo drew lines with his finger in the pile of the carpet."
> 
> If you want to avoid the abusive section (it's mostly verbal with a wrist grab) it starts with "But there were some emotions and conversations" and ends with "Kylo dropped him and took a moment"

“What’s it like to be twenty-one?” Dr. Lo asked.

Kylo sat up from his stretch on the floor and shrugged. “At least I get to see it. I almost didn’t. Would have died not even knowing what a birthday is.” He smiled. “I’m so glad I found out. It was one of the best days of my life. I felt so special, like I really mattered. My family’s the best.”

“It’s so heartening to hear that. You truly deserve to have joyful experiences and to feel so good about yourself. What’s it like to have a family that cares so much about you?”

Kylo sighed in his broad smile. “It’s everything. They _are_ life to me. I don’t know what I’d do without them. My birthday, and when they cared so much about me when I almost died, how they cried so hard for me. I really mean a lot to them too, and that also makes me feel special, like I matter. I mean, that day was awful in comparison to my birthday, but the lesson was the same: my family loves me, no matter how broken or damaged I am.”

“How often do you think about what happened that day when you nearly passed?”

Kylo sighed as he flattened himself against one leg. “I try not to, but when the stress from school creeps up, I get nervous. It was one thing to think I had an early expiration date when life was miserable. Now when I sit at breakfast, laughing with my family, I sometimes just zone out wondering if it’s going to be my last. It’s only then I feel like I haven’t done anything in my life, that it was just wasted for twenty years. Now every second counts.” He sat up, sinking his fingers into the pile of the carpet. “I want to do so many things still, before it happens, and I know I can’t.”

“Are you afraid your brother won’t be able to help you?”

Kylo hung his head. “He’s working so hard, making himself sick. We’ve all had to keep an eye on him. I promised I wouldn’t tell Mom that he wasn’t sleeping and was getting migraines, and I won’t ever break a promise to Ben, but I guess she figured it out when I wouldn’t answer her. I hate that he’s working himself like that. Rey said not to get our hopes up too high, but if he could at least save _her_ …”

“What about you?”

“Of course I want to be saved, but she has to come first. She’s precious. The galaxy would just…grow cold and gray and ugly if I lost her— _we_ lost her.”

“It sounds like you still care very deeply for her.”

“Of _course_. I…I love her.”

Dr. Lo shifted and rested her chin on her hand. “What does this love for Rey look like? How do you love her?”

He drew circles in the pile of the carpet. “I don’t know. She was…everything in a time of my life when it was at its most bleak. She was my first experience of what it was to be human, not just a killing machine. Just about every relationship first was with her: first hug, first hand holding, first kiss, but not…we never…”

“You didn’t have a sexual relationship?”

“No, she said we weren’t ready for that. And I was just an inhuman, faulty monster anyway back then, it’s better for her we never…”

“Kylo, we talked about you feeling inhuman. Do you remember reframing? What other ways can you describe yourself back then that includes the fact that you are indeed a fully human man?”

Kylo sighed. “You don’t understand. I was…it was my behavior back then, too. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to _be_ with another person, especially a girl, a girl I…really loved and…wanted…”

Kylo stroked the pile with his fingertips, his mind drifting back to Exegol when he was just about to turn seventeen…

Kissing Rey was everything. Being with her, touching her, it made the pain go away. It made his past disappear, his present, his harsh training, all of it departed and was replaced with pure bliss.

While he kissed her, he could touch her soft cheek, silky brown hair in fluffy waves, the skin of her back, her neck, her arms and hands.

And she touched him. Soft warm hands on his cheeks, sifting through his hair, sending delightful tingles down his skin. Arms around his body, hands on his back, on his chest. Rey always had kind, loving touches and never hurt him unless they were training. Then it was expected and made sense.

Whenever she kissed him, his body just wanted more. Only he didn’t know what that more was, only that it _wanted_ and was never satisfied. When she left to her room at night, he felt her still all over him, driving him to want to touch himself. He hated that so much, but never hated her. It was his weakness, and he’d never be worthy of being treated as a human being until he controlled those stupid weaknesses.

The _want_ he had for her felt like that, but none of it made sense. Why would kissing her make him need to touch himself, which was such a wrong thing to do? At least kissing her felt right. It was always right.

The want grew into a need as he drove his kiss deeper. The urge to press against her increased and became more insistent. Kylo shifted closer, leaning into her, pressing his hard body against her much softer one. She made a soft, high pitched sound that spurred an intoxicating heat. He drove up against her until she fell backwards onto the platform they were sitting on, him right on top, his kiss never leaving her lips.

Oh this position just made him _burn_ and ache for that unknown thing that made no sense. What was it about her that caused his body to act like this?

Rey wriggled out of his kiss. “Alright, enough, take it down a notch.”

This position just exposed her neck to him, which he kissed and nipped with his lips, adoring the sensation of her silken skin. “Take what down?”

“Kylo, stop. We aren’t ready for this!”

That just left him more confused, and he buried it along with his nose in the hair at the nape of her neck. “Ready for what?”

Rey slid one leg up, brushing against him, the sensation forcing a shuddering breath from his lips. Her hands slid onto his chest, and just as he was ready to take her mouth again, melt into that delirium of rapture once more, she shifted and flung him off of her.

“Don’t you FUCKING play stupid with me!” she snapped.

He hit the wall, getting a good whack on his head, and fell to the platform. He sat up quickly, confused and irritated to go along with his head injury. “What the FUCK Rey?”

“When I tell you stop the first time, I MEAN IT THE FIRST TIME! You’re lucky that’s all I did to you!”

“I thought you liked kissing me!”

“This is more than kissing. I said we weren’t ready for that, and I meant it!”

Kylo just frowned and shook his head. “Ready for _what?_ ”

Rey bared her teeth, her eyes taking on a dangerous edge. “Stop playing games with me RIGHT NOW or you’re going to be having a conversation with my fist.”

Kylo gripped his hair in frustration. “I don’t know what you’re TALKING ABOUT!”

“SEX, you idiot!”

Kylo was just as confused as before. “What is sex?!”

“Stop acting like you don’t know just to get out of me being mad at you. I’m not falling for it.”

He just continued to stare at her, not sure what he should do. She told him to stop because they weren’t ready for this sex thing, whatever it was, but he wasn’t sure what he was doing that he needed to stop.

Then she turned slightly, baffled. “Wait…are you serious? Were you really never told what sex was?”

Kylo narrowed his eyes. “Should I have been?”

Rey groaned and hung her head in her hands. Kylo still didn’t know what he did wrong. Rey shoved her hair out of her face and sighed. “We have to have a long talk.”

Kylo drew lines with his finger in the pile of the carpet. “I was in shock. I didn’t know that’s what was happening, what my body wanted. She apologized for yelling at me and making me crack my head on the wall, but said I had to learn to stop the first time I was told.”

“I don’t condone her use of violence towards you, but it sounds like she shared a lot of important things with you, including some of your first lessons on boundaries.”

“How was I to know? No one ever stopped when I wanted them to.” He pulled his fingers up his arms and had to shove his hand back down. He had promised to stop hurting himself. “If you asked to stop being hurt, you just got hurt more.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Kylo. No child, no _person_ should ever have to go through what you went through.”

Kylo just nodded and dug his fingers into the carpet instead of himself.

“Why do you consider your behavior to be monstrous and inhuman in that situation?”

Kylo shrugged. “Because I upset her. I had no self control, I didn’t stop when she said stop. She said I was lucky she was so strong, that I could have hurt someone, and I didn’t want to hurt someone that was making me so happy. But that’s how I was raised, to be a monster, and that’s what I was to her in that moment.”

“But you also had a significant lack of social understanding and knowledge of how to have a healthy relationship. These were things you were never taught prior to the incident. Did you act that way again towards her?”

“No! She helped me understand. I _wanted_ to understand, I wanted to be better. I never wanted to hurt her. And I…except for when she left me…” He shook himself. “That’s…I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

“What feelings come up for you when you think about that moment?”

Feelings? Currently a significant spike of pain through his fusion scar. He pressed his palm against his head and growled. “Not now. I can’t go there now.”

“Sounds like there’s a lot of hurt buried there.”

Kylo could only nod and hoped she’d change the subject.

“Kylo, have you considered trying a new relationship?”

He shrugged. “I have Melanie.”

“Would you like to be with another human? Or someone else that isn’t a droid?”

“Well…yeah, but…”

“But what?”

He shrugged again. “It would probably be just like with Rey again, me not knowing what to do, doing something wrong. Then there’s my anger and my messed up head. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” He took in a long breath. “I know I’m large and I’m strong and powerful, and I don’t really know the right thing to do a lot of the time. I… _want_ to fall in love. Have what Ben has. I want that. I…I really do.” An ache formed in his chest, as if his heart remembered what it was like to be held and touched and cherished just like it once was with Rey. “But I’m so afraid I’m going to mess it up, or worse…”

“Okay. We can work on all these things. I’ll send you some ebooks and videos on relationship boundaries and social interaction, and we can practice them in sessions. How does that sound?”

He nodded, still digging into the carpet. “Okay.”

“What would it be like to know all these things? How would you feel if you could go out and meet someone new without the constant fear that you’d do something wrong?”

Kylo sighed and slowly blinked. “Wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, I love Melanie, but…”

“But what, Kylo?”

“I want to be with a real girl again, but…better this time. Do it right. Just be able to love her like any normal, healthy person would. To know what that feels like…” He closed his eyes. “I miss that connection, that feeling that once meant everything to me. I want to know what it’s like to be in love again like that.”

And maybe, just maybe, it would replace that constant pain in his soul, the one that screamed every time he looked at Rey, knowing he would never have her again.

~*~

Every single day at school was hard, but Kylo was getting the hang of it. He had to be especially observant, to learn by watching, because there was just so much to being a social creature that could never be fully taught in such a short time. And the only one in the family that seemed to get it right was Mom. Ben was clueless, Rey didn’t care, and Dad came from some other century according to his brother. Only Mom knew the true power of social interaction.

The rest he’d have to learn on his own, by watching, doing, and probably failing.

But there were some emotions and conversations he understood better than any.

“Let me go!” It was a high-pitched voice, laced with fear. A quieter, bitter, deep voiced rumbling followed, and she cried out again. “I told you to leave me alone!”

Kylo didn’t need to think. Instinct sprung him out of his seat, abandoning his drink, as the sounds of distress led him where he needed to go.

The man was big with a blond, tall flat-top. The woman was tiny, Mom’s size maybe, a sweet, delicate little lovely who had a giant meaty hand clamped around her wrist.

“You don’t get to decide when this relationship is over!” the man bit through clenched teeth. “I decide, and it will NEVER be over between us!”

Kylo couldn’t deny the thrill it gave him to close the gap between himself and the couple. Hoping to control the surge of Darkness in his blood, he stopped right outside the two of them, restraining himself from just plunging his saber right into the man’s chest. He had to do the correct thing, the socially appropriate thing. So he turned and looked down at the woman. “Is he frightening you?”

“No!” the man snapped, but Kylo ignored that waste of flesh.

The woman’s big eyes alighted on him, the fear palpable. “Yes. He’s hurting me.”

“Stupid bitch, I’m not hurting—”

Kylo grasped the man’s wrist and stuck his thumb right into a pressure point, making his adversary squawk and immediately let her go. She reared back and pressed herself against the wall.

The man was big, huge hulking shoulders, neck like a barrel, jaw jutting forward in his fury. “You fuck—”

A fist swung out, so pathetically slow. Kylo still fought the urge to just snap his neck with a flick of his hand. Instead, he caught the strike, spun the man into a defensive maneuver, and tossed him on the ground. He looked at the wide-eyed woman and gave a shrug with both hands out, the type his father was famous for.

The man roared as he sprung to his feet and lunged at Kylo. So boring. This guy clearly never learned how to fight. Kylo stepped aside, pushed and tripped him at the same time, and admired the jumbled splat of his adversary. Kylo yawned and smirked at the woman, who broke into a shy smile.

The man was up again, fists bobbing, bouncing on his heels with straight knees just waiting to be taken out with one kick. Pathetic. Kylo dodged his swings just for fun, parried a few to toy with him, and when the guy started turning red, really losing his shit, Kylo used the momentum of the next swing to fling the man into the wall with a satisfying thunk. His enemy fell onto the ground, holding his nose.

Well, that was fun while it lasted. He stepped over to the woman. “Are you okay?”

She looked up at him with enormous eyes and the tiniest smile, then nodded.

The man crouched and pointed, stupid enough to continue this battle. “Oh, you think you saved her? Bitch, you think you’re safe from me? He can’t watch you forever! The minute he walks away, I will find you, and I will—”

Kylo flung him up on the Force and gripped tight around the man’s neck, deep in his fury, no longer interested in societal rules or laws. The bastard turned purple, gasping for breath. Kylo couldn’t keep the growl out of his voice. “ _What?!_ You will _what?!_ ”

Obviously, the man could only gasp and tremble in fear, his eyes huge balloons.

Kylo couldn’t tame the Darkness pumping through his blood. This man, clearly a threat to the poor woman, had the nerve to admit he would hurt her the second Kylo turned his back. That wasn’t going to happen. “So help me, if you go near her again—EVER—I will slaughter you right in front of EVERYONE you hold dear, just so they can watch your blood drain to the pavement.” He flung the man onto the ground, closed the space in two giant strides, gripped the man by his shirt, and hauled the gasping prick to his face. “Do I make myself fucking clear?”

The man, sucking in breaths, nodded.

Kylo dropped him and took a moment to still himself with a few breaths. The anger and the Darkness had built with nowhere left to go, so he had to just pull it back, deep inside his well.

With the rush subsiding, he turned again, sure the woman would have run for her life. Instead she just stood there, surprised. He softened completely for his butterfly, stepped forward, and tipped his head down. “You sure you’re okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I think so.” She glanced at the coward on the ground. “Finally.”

“Does your wrist hurt?”

She turned her forearm, and he delicately traced the reddened skin with his fingertips. “It’s nothing.”

“Not to me.”

Her big eyes turned up to him, and she gave the shiest of smiles. “I’ll be fine.”

Kylo looked around. “I’ll walk you wherever you need to go. I want you to get where you’re going safe.” He turned and glared at the heap on the ground. “ _Always._ ”

“I, um, don’t want to say out loud.” She glanced at the man. “But yeah, you can walk with me.”

Kylo smiled and followed close beside her as she turned back down the alley. As they rounded the corner, he gave one last glare of warning to the man.

After walking a full block, the woman tipped her head down. “You’re really strong.”

“I’m a warrior.” He had to think of something better than that. “Soldier. Former. Trained for combat.”

“I can tell.” She folded her hands in front of her and seemed like she was shrinking into herself. “I’m Dayn.”

“Kylo.”

“That’s a nice name. I like it.”

Kylo felt warmth spread through his chest. No one had ever said they liked his name before. “I like yours.” He wondered if that was the right thing to say and felt like shrinking into himself as well. She responded with a soft giggle that put happy little bubbles in his chest. He really didn’t know what else to say and hadn’t prepared for this. “Why does that piece of garbage want to hurt you?”

Her mood dropped. Shit. He said the wrong thing. He pressed his palm against a spike of pain through his head. _Stupid. Idiot. Moron._

“My ex-boyfriend. He became too possessive and pushy, tried to cut me off from family and friends, making me feel like crap. I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.” She rubbed her arms. “I really started getting scared. You saw him. He’s huge. It’s getting so I’m afraid to sleep at night, thinking he might break in.”

Kylo didn’t know her, but he knew he’d do anything to protect her. “I can give you my comm link. If you’re ever scared and need someone to protect you, I’ll be there. I promise.”

“I…I don’t want you getting hurt for something that’s my problem. What if he brings a blaster?”

Kylo snorted into a giggle. “I’m not afraid of blaster shots. Don’t worry about me. I doubt there’s anything he can do that can hurt me.” He heaved in a breath, still smiling. “Whatever he tries, I’ve dealt with worse. I’m not afraid of him.” He tipped his head toward her. “So you call me if you need me, no hesitation. I promise I won’t get hurt.”

A shy smile revealed her teeth. “You’re a Jedi, aren’t you?”

Kylo chuckled softly. “Noooo, but I am a Force user.”

“I saw what you did back there. It was…kind of scary but at the same time kind of exhilarating.”

“I only use it when I have to. When he said he would hurt you when I left…” Kylo shook his head. “I wasn’t going to let that happen. He had to know that I would come for him. He had to be afraid of me. It was the only way to keep you safe.”

“You really are a soldier.”

He didn’t dare tell her what kind. “Yeah. It’s in my blood.”

“I’m glad you were there for me. I was so scared. I didn’t think anyone would help me. No one usually does. He’s done this before, grabbing me and hurting me like that, and everyone just turns away.”

He looked down at her. “I would never turn away from you.” She lifted her head toward him, and when their eyes met, his heart fluttered. Was he falling in love? Oh, he better do something. He didn’t want to let her go if he was falling in love. “Um, you like food?” It already sounded stupid. ARGH! Why didn’t he learn how to do this before now?! “I mean, can I buy you lunch?”

Dayn clasped her hands together. “I already ate.”

Damnit. He must have already driven her off. “Oh. Okay.”

“But maybe we can sit and have some tea or caf?”

Wait, she still wanted to spend time with him? Oh goody! “Uh, yeah, sure.”

Her smile broadened. “This way.”

~*~

Kylo wasn’t used to cafes. Either Dad or Rey took him to bars, Mom took him to eateries, or Ben took him to electronics shops that had different flavors of Hyper-Fuel. He ordered what Dayn ordered, felt proud of himself for paying on his own (even if it was just a wave of his comm,) and while he did enjoy the tea, he enjoyed the company even more. A year younger than him, she was so cute, so sweet, a delicate and beautiful butterfly just like Mom had shown him. And he would be gentle with her and never ever cross her boundaries unless she told him to.

It was hard to hold conversations. A few times they drifted into awkward silences, neither knowing where to start up again. Maybe she was just as nervous as he was. Maybe she never dated much, even if she had an ex-boyfriend.

Who, if he touched or hurt her again, would be a pile of ash if Kylo had anything to do about it.

But even in their awkward moments, she still smiled, still looked happy. A woman was happy with him! A real woman he just met was just enjoying sipping tea with him. There were no sexual overtones. This wasn’t someone after his body or looks. She just wanted to get to know him.

Oh, that felt so good. Anyone could have a body, but she was interested in his own unique personality. For whatever reason he didn’t yet understand, that made him happier than all the girls who had ever rubbed their hands over his chest.

Though that felt good, too.

Kylo rode the transport with her and walked her the rest of the way to her apartment, just to make sure that sleaze didn’t show up and try to hurt her again. As time went on, conversation got easier, even if he had to be careful about how much he revealed. His altercation with Kira taught him that one.

Just outside her building, she stopped, her hands clasped, shoulders up. “Can I ask you something?”

Kylo nodded. “Anything.”

“If you can use the Force, do you…have one of those lightsabers?”

He always kept it tucked in his waistband in the back, leaving his shirt loose to cover it. The school wasn’t fond of it, but he wouldn’t be caught anywhere without it. “Yeah.” He slid it out and grasped the hilt before her. “You want to see it lit?”

She shrunk even deeper into her shoulders, big scrunchy-nosed smile to bear, and nodded.

Kylo turned aside, held it so it wouldn’t point anywhere near her, and flicked the switch. She gasped and jumped back as the crackling red hummed into life, the cross-guard vents spewing plasma and sparks to the sides.

Fear turned to curiosity as she stepped forward. “That’s amazing. I once thought they were a myth.” She reached her hand out, and he expected that she would touch the hilt. Instead her tiny hand caressed his, up his wrist and to his forearm. “You’re so strong.”

He gave her a soft smile. “I train every day.”

“Still?”

“Always. You want to see a demonstration?”

She bit her lip as she smiled and backed away. Kylo kept it simple, twirling with a few stomps and one or two power strikes through the air. Then he just had to show off because why the hell not and leapt into the air, flipping backwards, and landed striking downward.

After he clicked off the saber and flipped his hair back out of his face, he turned to see her staring in awe with her hands over her mouth. Once he put his weapon away, he couldn’t help but step to her with a light swagger. “Did you like it?”

Her cheeks were pink as she nodded. Then she dropped her hands and rocked from side to side. “I really should go though. Maybe…we can see each other again?”

Kylo’s heart skipped. “Yeah. I’d…I’d like that.”

“Let’s share comms.”

Kylo pressed his to hers and tapped the projection asking if he wanted to exchange contact information. Once it was complete, he reluctantly took his hand away. Now he really didn’t know what to do. Did he kiss her? Was that okay? Was that a boundary? Was it too soon? He wondered if she would give him time to check with Ben.

“Thank you again for today,” Dayn said. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“My pleasure.” And he meant that.

“Talk to you soon.”

“Okay.”

She looked around, back to awkwardness, and he was waist-deep in it. Then she waved him down as if she wanted to tell him a secret. When he leaned forward, curious what she wanted to say, she planted a petal-soft kiss on his cheek. He hoped she didn’t hear him gasp, but knew he couldn’t erase the redness that filled his cheeks at an alarming rate.

With that, she turned and bounded up the steps. “Call you soon, Kylo.”

Kylo nodded and waved, his heart pounding. “Okay.”

Yep. He was in love.

~*~

“I have a girlfriend,” Kylo told Ben and Rey. He scratched his head. “Or at least I think I do.”

Rey sighed. “Despite what Ben has told you, Melanie doesn’t count.”

“Not Melanie! A human. I met her at school. We’re going on a date on Zhellday.”

Ben brightened. “A date? A real date? Kylo, that’s great! I never went on an actual date at your age, or, you know, ever until I met Rey. So proud of you, buddy!”

Rey crossed her arms. “Ky, I don’t know. I don’t think you’re ready for dating.”

Kylo’s bright mood dropped immediately. “Why would you say that?”

“Because I know how you are.”

Kylo felt old and new anger rise in him. “I’m _trying_ to be better. I’m learning—I’m doing better than I ever was back then. That’s not fucking fair to say that.”

Ben, in his meekest of voices, added, “Yeah, I mean, Kylo’s been working really hard at therapy and learning from us. I think this would be good for him, let him experience what normal human interactions are like. And then maybe he can come back and tell me because I’m so damn bad at them.” He lightly chuckled.

Rey leaned against the wall. “Yeah, okay, you have been trying. I see that, I know that. But you’re nowhere near where you need to be in order to deal with women. It’s not a good idea.”

Kylo paced in circles, trying to channel his thoughts and feelings but just getting angrier with every step that turned into a stomp. Finally, he stopped and threw his arms wide. “I almost died! Don’t you think I should at least one real relationship before that happens?”

“Oh, so I wasn’t real to you?”

“Not with the way you left me, no!”

Rey pointed her finger. “That situation has nothing to do with this one! No one knows you better than me, and you need to face some facts about yourself. You don’t know how to have a relationship. You’re a danger to yourself and others, and if you can’t see that, then you _really_ shouldn’t be getting some innocent woman involved who won’t be able to handle you when you lose your shit.”

Kylo threw his arms up. “Oh, this is such fucking bullshit. So I can’t have you, but I can’t have anyone else, is that it? What the fuck, Rey?!”

Ben’s eyes widened as if he didn’t like where this conversation was going or Kylo’s volume. Rey, on the other hand, took on that furious bite to her piercing gaze. “This isn’t about you and me, but I know how you are. You don’t know what you’re doing and you have no self control—”

Kylo thrust his pointed finger toward the ground. “I am not the same FUCKING PERSON I was back then! And who are you to say I am?!”

Rey stomped forward, teeth clenched. “Someone who cares about you and knows very well how easily you can hurt someone. This is a bad idea, and if you don’t see that, then you’re in worse shape than I thought.”

Kylo circled and stopped with his hands on his hips. “So what am I supposed to do, huh? Just sit around forever wanting so fucking much to be loved but denying myself because _you_ don’t think I’m ready? That’s some fucking gall from someone who turned their back on me when I needed them the most!”

Rey counted on her fingers. “You were obsessive, possessive, overbearing, and didn’t know how to take no for an answer! You have no business dating!”

“Oh, well you beat the shit out of me to teach me that lesson, didn’t you?!”

Rey’s voice turned to a growl. “You deserved to get the shit kicked out of you!”

Ben stood, his hands out, alongside them but not between them, which was smart. “Guys, please don’t yell at each other. Can we just sit and talk this out?”

Kylo continued, still hot on Rey’s accusations. “I’m working hard every day, no matter how stressful or painful it is, just to have a normal fucking life—why the FUCK can’t you let me live a normal life?!”

Ben swallowed. “Kylo, please, no more yelling. I can’t deal with this.”

Rey paid about as much attention to Ben’s pleading as Kylo did. “Because you are not fucking normal! You are dangerous, and you are clueless, and that is a BAD FUCKING COMBINATION!”

Ben sucked in a breath. “Rey, please—”

Kylo’s voice lowered to a growl as he pointed at her. “Know what, you are so full of shit. You are not over me, and that’s why you can’t let me go!”

Rey scoffed. “Oh you are so fucking full of yourself—”

“Then don’t give me some other bullshit explanation—”

“—explanation is I don’t need you to lose your fucking mind and kill someone—”

“Oh, now you’re so concerned about everyone else in the galaxy when you were just going to sell them off to Palpatine—”

“Oh fuck you! That is long over with and fuck you for bringing it up!”

“Well fuck you for bringing up what I did with you!”

“STOOOOP!” Ben screamed and broke into heaving breaths of panic, hand gripping his hair. “Stop fighting,” he wheezed and couldn’t catch his breath.

The argument died right there. Kylo watched in horror as his brother gasped for breath. “Ben? BEN!”

“Okay, Ben,” Rey whispered, the venom from moments ago completely gone. Kylo both loved and hated that she could do that, loved that she did it for Ben, but hated that she could never do it for him. “Okay, just relax. Just breathe.”

“Rey, what’s happening to him?!”

“It’s a kind of panic attack, he’s hyperventilating—we need a storage bag—get a storage bag.”

On the cusp of panic himself, Kylo bolted from the room and into the kitchen where he screeched, “I NEED A STORAGE BAG!” Tears filled his eyes, but he had no time to deal with those.

Leia jogged into the room. “Is it Ben? Hyperventilating?”

Kylo just nodded and sobbed once before gripping his hair in sheer terror. Ben couldn’t breathe. He scared Ben so much his beloved brother couldn’t breathe.

What would Kylo do without him?!

Kylo let out a cry of anguish when Leia pressed the bag into his hands. “Kylo honey, he’ll be okay. Open it, put it over his nose and mouth and let him breathe into it. He’ll be fine. Go.”

Maybe she thought he’d be fine, but Kylo couldn’t take that chance. His feet pounded the floors, running with every muscle available. Upon seeing his pale brother, Rey stroking his scalp, Kylo whipped his wrist to open the bag and pressed it up to Ben’s nose and mouth.

Rey coaxed Ben down to the floor. “Come on, sit, okay? Just sit and relax.” Ben gave the tiniest nod and slid down. Kylo sat on one side of him, Rey on the other. Their eyes caught each other, and while he saw anger in hers, it died when she saw he had none in his.

All that mattered now was Ben.

“Please be okay,” Kylo sobbed and pressed his forehead into his brother’s shoulder. “I can’t live without you. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.”

A big arm wrapped around him, and in between gasps he heard Ben. “I’ll…be okay, buddy.”

Kylo grasped him around his chest and just held him tightly, willing the Force to take anything from him if Ben needed it. He just needed his brother/best friend/savior to be okay. Nothing else mattered.

After a few more inflations, Ben pulled the bag from his face and inhaled nice and slow, tipping his head back against the wall. Kylo held his hand, which was cold and clammy. He couldn’t believe the fight with Rey scared Ben so badly. That was…sort of normal between the two of them.

He figured he better keep that bag with him at all times in case it ever happened again.

Kylo swallowed as he looked at his brother. “Are you okay now?”

Ben’s color was returning. “I am buddy. I’m okay.”

Kylo nodded, smiled, but broke into tears again. He pressed his forehead to the side of Ben’s head and just held him, so glad he could still do so. “I’m sorry, Ben. I’m so sorry. I was so scared, I thought you were going to die.”

“Ohhh just a little panic, I’m okay.”

Kylo’s body trembled as he squeezed onto his brother, and Ben petted his hair in return.

“Ky, it’s okay. I’m okay. This happens sometimes, but I’m okay.” He gave Kylo a reassuring smile.

Kylo nodded and backed up, giving Ben plenty of space to breathe, giving _himself_ space to breathe after that horror.

Once Ben calmed, he flicked his eyes between the two. “Please don’t fight. I can’t take it. It’s like having my heart ripped in half.”

“Okay,” Rey whispered, having so much more patience for Ben than she ever did for him. “We’ll…” She glanced at Kylo. “We’ll try…discussing it, right Ky?”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Ben whispered and smiled.

Kylo felt terrible. He never meant to hurt Ben in any of this. He just wanted to tell his family the exciting news. Now Rey was shitting all over it. He sighed. “Rey, I know what I did with you was wrong. I know that now, I didn’t know it then.”

Ben couldn’t look at either of them, just swallowed. “What did you do to her?”

Kylo sighed and told Ben about the kissing incident, among a few other similar occurrences (of which he still bore scars,) but that wasn’t all they were yelling about. Rey was also referring to how he acted when she left for the last time, but that was a story he could not handle at the moment. The emotions were still too raw, even four years later.

Kylo hung his head before looking at her with pleading eyes. “Rey, I never meant to hurt you or upset you. You have to know that. You know what I came from—you know I didn’t know what I was doing!”

Rey sighed. “I know. That’s the problem.”

“But I _do_ know now. You’ve been teaching me, and Ben and Mom and…Dad’s not really a big help in that department, but you all have been helping, so’s my therapist…” This hurt. It really hurt.

“Kylo, I know. But I still don’t think you’re ready.”

He heaved a breath of frustration and shoved his hand through his hair. “Do you know what it’s like? To see the two of you so happy together while I can only have Melanie, a relationship I can only have at home? I’ve been holding myself back all this time, knowing I wasn’t ready, but damnit Rey! It hurts! And now I have a chance, with someone who likes me, not my body or my powers, just me, and you want to stop me! How can I learn if you won’t even let me try?”

“Rey,” Ben said so softly, “he’s right.”

She did not look pleased to hear that, so Kylo tried to argue his case some more. “Mom told me, from the beginning, that I have to respect people’s boundaries, that I have to be gentle and treat women like delicate butterflies and let them tell me how to touch them and be with them. And I’ve been doing that. I’ve never touched a woman that didn’t ask me to do so, I’ve always been mindful of everyone’s boundaries—I even asked Ben if it was okay to sit next to him!”

Ben smiled. “He did.”

Kylo closed his fist and pressed it to his lips. “Rey, I was sixteen-seventeen when I fucked up with you. Sixteen being tortured by Palpatine for the slightest failure. I’m not perfect, I’m nowhere close. But I’m so much better than I was then, aren’t I?”

Rey leaned forward. “And what happens when you lose your fucking mind over something and pull out your lightsaber? What then?”

Kylo hung his head and flopped back against the wall. This was useless. The whole thing was pointless. She was probably right. He’d just do something to fuck it up, so why bother? Maybe he wasn’t meant for this kind of relationship. Maybe Melanie was all he could have.

But the way Dayn smiled at him, and asked him questions, wanting to get to know him, how she kissed him on the cheek. He wanted that so badly, to have that relationship, find out where it would go.

He wanted his Rey.

Ben’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, and Kylo tipped into his embrace. At least his brother still believed in him.

Ben smiled and said, “We’ll be with him.”

Kylo looked up. “Huh?”

“Why don’t we double date? Let Kylo get the hang of things, where we can help him out if he needs it.”

Kylo perked, feeling hope in what almost fizzled into nothingness. “You’d do that?”

“Of course. Rey?”

She still didn’t look happy. “Probably a good idea.” With that, she stood and left.

Kylo swallowed. “I can’t fix what I did to her.”

Ben continued to watch her, concern in his eyes. “Some things are…really hard to fix, I guess.”

Kylo thought about when she left him, a pain in his heart that still felt so raw he had to tamp it down and bury it every time it came up. “I guess so. I just don’t get it, though. She forgave me back then. When she realized that I didn’t know what I was doing—fuck, Ben, I didn’t know what sex _was_ at that point! But she stopped being so angry and forgave me and, well, taught me what was going on. Why is she still so upset now?”

Kylo could feel Ben’s discomfort pulsing through the Force. “Maybe…something else is upsetting her.” Ben smiled and patted his shoulder. “Go ahead and call your girl, see if she’s okay with a double date. I’m sure once Rey sees you’re doing just fine, she’ll relax a bit. I’m gonna go see if I can talk to her.” He stood and gripped Kylo’s wrist to help him up. “Congratulations, buddy! I can’t wait to meet your new girl.”

~*~

Kylo didn’t know what was going on, but Rey was angrier than usual and stomped into the training room. Ben was more upset than usual and wound up with his head on Mom’s lap. Then Mom asked Rey to go knock a few back at a bar, and when they returned much later, Rey’s mood had improved, even if alcohol induced. From what Kylo could tell, she happily plopped into bed after saying she wished Leia had been on her pirate ship.

Kylo looked out the window and saw the light on in Ben’s lab. It was so late, Kylo had school the next day, and there was Ben pulling an all-nighter yet again.

After brushing his teeth, Kylo decided he couldn’t sleep unless he checked on Ben.

The doors to the lab office slid open at Kylo’s signal. His brother’s back was turned as his fingers manipulated a projected 3D image of…something.

Ben downed half a bottle of Hyper-Fuel before speaking. “What’s up, buddy? Isn’t it a bit late for you to be up?”

Kylo plopped into one of the office chairs. “You’re up.”

“I’m always up. You know me.”

“I’m…sorry I made everything bad today.”

Ben finally spun around with a soft smile on his face. “Kylo, you did nothing wrong, though honestly, the two of you yelling at each other—please don’t do that again.”

“Ben, we always yelled at each other. She’s always smacking me in the head or kicking me. We…that’s how our relationship goes. You’re the only one she’s nice to. You and Mom.”

Ben grinned as he poked at his model. “Finn told me all the things she called him while with the Resistance. Said they all got a dose of her fury. It’s just…I love you both. I know if I saw my mother and father yelling at each other like that, I would have lost it too.”

Kylo grinned. “Remember when Mom kicked Dad’s ass on Ajan Kloss?”

Ben chuckled. “I didn’t know _what_ to do, stars.”

Kylo ran his finger along the stitching on the chair. “Are you and Rey okay? You don’t seem okay.”

Ben sighed and took another swig of his Hyper-Fuel. “We will be. You know, we’re all getting used to things, getting used to each other, this new family dynamic we have. Everything, our relationship, both mine and Rey’s and mine and yours, it happened so fast. In a few short weeks all our worlds changed, for the better, of course, but I guess…there are some changes we didn’t all get to really process and deal with, and some things that were hard to let go of.”

Kylo nodded. He understood that well. Although he was going on a date this Zhellday, he still hadn’t gotten over Rey. One moment they had a relationship, the next she was in love with Ben, her back turned on Kylo forever. That hurt. It still hurt.

But what was affecting Ben and Rey? The last thing he wanted to do was get in the way of them, hurt either of them. “I didn’t mean for this all to happen. I was just happy a girl wanted to go on a date with me.”

Ben turned and smiled. “And that’s wonderful, Kylo. This is a part of life, and you deserve to get out there and find a love of your own. I’m proud of you, buddy. Whatever’s going on between me and Rey, we’ll work it out. Mom really helped me through it, and I’m sure she helped Rey through her part. Love isn’t going to always be cuddles and kisses. Sometimes it’s conflict and hurt feelings. Just another part of life, and one a droid can’t really prepare you for, so I’m glad you’re getting out there. You’re a hell of a lot braver than I am on that front. So, how’d you meet?” He took a giant swig of his Hyper-Fuel.

“Her ex-boyfriend was hurting her so I beat the shit out of him and Force-choked him.”

Ben spit out his drink, and Kylo blinked as saliva-infused Hyper-Fuel dripped down his face.

“Shit! Sorry!” Ben grabbed a towel and tossed it to him. “Kylo, what the fuck?!”

Kylo sighed as he wiped the sticky concoction off of his face and neck. “He was grabbing her, hurting her, she was scared, I pried his hand off of her, and he attacked me. I let him hurt himself by directing his punches and attacks into walls, and then he said the moment I leave her alone, he was going to find her and hurt her.” He shrugged and wiped down the desk. “I decided to put the fear of death into his fucking bones so he’d never forget and would stay away from her.”

Ben massaged his brow. “Okay, I get it. Just hope the cops don’t show up at our door.”

“I couldn’t let her be afraid. She’s so tiny and sweet like Mom, a delicate little butterfly. Someone had to protect her.” He shrugged. “Maybe I was meant for her. Maybe she needs a warrior at her side.” He smiled. “And maybe I found exactly who I’ve been looking for, the one girl that’s meant for me.”

His smile broadened. He really couldn’t wait for their date. Hopefully Ben and Rey would make up by then.

~*~

Ben and Rey didn’t come to breakfast the next morning, which worried Kylo. But when he found out it was because they were making up all morning, he felt like he could finally ease his soul again.

He didn’t want the two people he loved so much to be hurt or fight each other, especially over him and his dumb antics.

Dayn agreed to the double date, and by Zhellday Kylo was trembling, both in anticipation and abject terror. He picked his favorite red shirt. Mom called in her stylist to help him with his hair because it was an unruly disaster that wouldn’t obey a fucking thing he did to it. The stylist got his hair curled and shaped to perfection, but that just offset his other disastrous features.

“BEN!” Kylo cried through the mansion. “I need your makeup kit!”

Ben leaned out of his room with a crooked eyebrow. “Explain.”

“Explain what? I need it!”

“Yeah, but why?”

“Because I’m fucking ugly, I need help!”

Ben stared at him with a draped jaw, pointing back and forth between the two of them. “We’re clones. What are you trying to say?”

Kylo thrust his hand toward his brother, infuriatingly frustrated. “ _You_ look perfect! _I’m_ the one that’s ugly.”

Ben continued to stare at him, his face growing more crooked as time went on. “ _We’re clones._ ”

Kylo yanked him before a mirror and pointed to his brother’s face. “Look at you and look at me. I’m a fucking mess! The scar, the dark circles, the…permanent fucking bruising and marks on my face that never go away—Ben, she’s going to look at you then look at me and realize she’s made a mistake! I need your help!”

Ben pulled him away from the mirror and gripped his arms. “Kylo, you are _not_ ugly, no matter how many scars or marks you have. There is nothing wrong with you. And plenty of women find you attractive, it’s never been a problem before. They like you exactly as you are, and you should too.” He gripped Kylo behind the neck. “There’s nothing wrong with you, only different, and that’s okay. She already likes you. Just roll with it.”

Kylo hung his head. “I’m nervous. This isn’t like with Rey. We were the only teens on Exegol. There wasn’t much by way of choice.”

“But Rey chose you, anyway.”

Kylo smiled. “She actually said I was cute.” His mirth dipped. “I spent my entire life hearing everyone call me ugly because of my skin and scars. She was the first person to ever say I looked good.”

Ben patted his chest. “And not the last, okay? You will be fine, come on. Your hair looks great, by the way. I didn’t know our hair could look like that.”

Kylo nodded toward the hall. “Mom. Called in a stylist for me.” He perked. “Maybe she can call a makeup stylist or something!”

Ben tipped his head toward him, taking on that kind but firm face that said he meant business. “Kylo?”

His shoulders slunk. “Okay. Okay. I’ll go as is.”

“If she’s going to love you, it will be for all of you, okay?”

Kylo nodded, but he didn’t feel terribly optimistic.

~*~

Kylo ran through a mental checklist of everything he should say and do as he waited outside Dayn’s apartment building. Mom helped him with a bunch of possible boundaries but warned him that others could exist and it was best to ask before he did anything. Dad taught him a bunch of smooth maneuvers he said, “Drives women wild.” He swore it got him all kinds of girls back in the day, but all Mom did lately was yell at him, so Kylo had no idea how much of Dad’s ideas were useful.

Dayn finally stepped out of the sliding door and Kylo’s heart skipped. She looked sooo pretty, and she was wearing makeup, so why wouldn’t Ben let him wear any?

She clasped her hands together, arms pinned so tightly to her sides, but she was smiling. “Hi Kylo.”

He wanted to kiss her already. “Hi.” Honestly he didn’t know what else to say or do. He could only stare at her, admiring her soft curves, the exposed skin at her neck, the way her hair swirled around her ear. He wanted to kiss all of it, just soft, adoring little kisses to show her how much he already loved her.

“I like your hair. It looks really nice like that.”

Then he’d have the stylist over every day to make sure it stayed just like that. “You too. You’re so pretty.” He hoped that was okay to say. Damn, he felt so awkward.

“Thank you.”

The two of them just stared at each other, looking away with shy faces and returning, neither able to say another word, apparently.

Rey shoved herself forward, yanking Ben behind her. “I’m Rey. This is Ben, Kylo’s brother.”

Ben was pressed so hard into Rey it looked like he wanted to crawl inside her clothes and hide. He sported a tight smile and waved. “Hi. Ben. Solo. Ben Solo.”

Dayn nodded. “From SOLO Corp! I remember you!”

Ben quirked his head. “You do?”

“That commercial, it’s incredible! ‘When you’re serious about survival, only SOLO-Gear will do. It stood up against the Emperor, and it will stand up for you!’ I love it!”

Ben chuckled, relaxing as he put his hand behind his head. “Wow, thanks, I’m so glad. I’ve been wondering how that commercial’s been doing, but I’ve been too busy to go over the numbers.”

Dayn turned her sweet smile back to Kylo. “I like how Kylo’s the big hero in it. He was for me, too.” Kylo’s cheeks lit on fire. He could only smile and just stare at her, so deeply in love it rattled him.

Rey cocked her head toward the street. “Shall we catch a transport already or are we picnicking here?”

Kylo didn’t think he’d be at first, but he was glad Rey was there to keep things moving. They hopped onto the next transport, Ben and Rey sitting in the seat across from them, Kylo planted right next to Dayn, their legs and sides pressed up against one another.

His heart was racing, and he didn’t know what to do with his hand. Was it too soon to hold hers? Should he touch her at all? He sure wished she would touch _him,_ but feeling her against his side was pretty nice too. His left leg bounced in place because he had to direct his overabundance of energy somewhere and couldn’t start doing pushups in the transport. Beyond that, he could only stare at the ceiling, so terribly unsure of what to do.

“Kylo?”

His eyes flicked down toward Dayn.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded. What else could he say but the truth? “I don’t know how to be on a date.” Judging by the clearing throat and quirked looks hurled at him from across the way, that may have been the wrong thing to say. Crap.

“It’s okay.” Her little hand clasped over his, and he thought he would die from the sheer elation, even more so when she leaned her head against his arm. “Just relax and be you. It’s just two people getting together. Nothing to be afraid of.”

Kylo couldn’t quell the increased pace of his breaths. He smiled down at her and then took it to his brother and Rey. Ben raised his brow and smiled back in excitement. Rey nodded and turned her attention out the window. Kylo took that as a good sign. Rey was often hard to read.

He recalled the first time Rey held his hand, a magical moment in his life. A sustained touch of kindness, of connection, it started a heart he never knew he had that kept beating for her since. But she was with Ben, and now he was with Dayn, who was also holding his hand in such pure sweetness.

For most of his life he had considered himself an unlovable sub-human who could only pretend to be an actual person and definitely didn’t deserve to be treated like one, not unless he earned it through pain and harsh discipline. But now, for the second time, a woman wanted to hold his hand, to stay connected to him. Not because she had to, but she _chose_ to do so. Chose him.

He was worthy of being loved. Damn, that felt so good.

~*~

Kylo watched the table next to him as the serving droid laid out every separate bit of Ben’s dinner on tiny plates.

When his brother was satisfied nothing fell on anything else, he smiled and thanked the droid, only to catch everyone staring at him. “What? They didn’t have divider plates, and I forgot mine.”

Meanwhile, the droid set Kylo’s two dinners before him. He couldn’t decide between the crab and the steak and decided to get both. Besides, he’d easily taken down two dinners before. That was the norm.

Dayn’s dinner looked so tiny Kylo decided in advance to put aside some of his meal in case she needed extra. As they ate, she asked him a lot of questions to which he nodded or shook his head, answering whenever his mouth wasn’t full (because Ben said it was rude, and Kylo never forgot it.) It was fine because he didn’t know how to make conversation or ask questions, and he was _really_ enjoying this dinner.

Occasionally Ben would start going on and on about propulsion components or a new programming language being used for artificial intelligence, but Rey was great at keeping him from dominating the conversations. Whatever she was doing, it was happening beneath the table and made Ben all wide-eyed, followed by a sly grin.

Next was an immersion movie, and Ben went in disappointed he lost the vote to watch the re-release of Galaxy Wars 6. Honestly, Kylo would have voted Ben’s way, but Rey kept glaring at him and flicking her eyes to Dayn. He figured that meant to vote as his date voted, and based on Rey’s nod, he did the right thing.

This thing was freaky.

It was like being inside of the movie, and during the battle scenes, he jumped out of his seat twice to block against an oncoming attack. Rey kept barking at him to sit down, but Dayn leaned her head on his shoulder again, delighted he was so protective. That certainly eased the tension. He really wanted to kiss her, even just on the head, but he wasn’t sure what kind of boundary that was and didn’t want to interrupt the movie to ask. No matter. Toward the end, Dayn pulled his arm around her and sunk into his embrace. He never found out what happened at the end of the story. All he could see or feel was this tiny, soft, sweet-scented woman who chose to be in his arms.

Nothing else mattered.

The night ended way too soon. For Kylo it was all a blur with his heart pounding and his entire focus on Dayn. And now he was already walking her to her front steps, wondering where the night went after waiting for it all week. Just a blink and his bliss was gone.

A beautifully normal human interaction, something so many took for granted but meant everything to him.

Dayn climbed a few of the steps and turned around, which left her face nearly level with his. Thank the stars because she was as small as Mom and barely came halfway up his chest.

“I had a really good time tonight,” she said with the sweetest smile.

“Me too. It was perfect.” He hoped that didn’t sound stupid.

“I guess this is goodnight.”

“Yeah…”

She stood there. He stood there. Oh would someone just tell him what to do?! He licked his lips, eyeing her up and down, wanting so badly to hug or kiss her or _something_ , but he just didn’t know what was appropriate! Dad said he should yank her into his arms and plant a heavy one on her, but she was too delicate a butterfly to be so bold and, well, rude to.

She smiled and lowered her eyelids. “Do you want to kiss me?”

Kylo nodded. “I do. I really do. I just don’t know if I should—” Her lips were on his and everything fell away. The sky, the ground, the planet, everything disappeared. All that remained were her lips, her incredibly soft lips and her sweet taste. All so different from Melanie and transporting him back to that moment of his first kiss with Rey. But this was its own elation. This was something new. He wasn’t trapped in hell with only one balm. He was living his life. Kylo Organa Solo was living his life and kissing a girl and holy shit did he love her so ever fucking much he could scream and explode at the same time.

Kylo cupped her face in his hands, deepening his kiss and praying it was still okay. She didn’t fight him off, so that was good, right? He slid his arms around her, pulling her against him, eliciting a squeak from his own body he didn’t recall allowing to escape.

Dayn parted from their kiss and regarded him with hazy eyes and a smile. He was lost in pure intoxication, drunk on everything that she was and that they shared in the night.

“Goodnight,” she whispered, and he instinctively knew to let her go. She seemed so happy as she hopped up the stairs and entered her building. He had to have done something right if she was happy.

Kylo tapped her a quick message on his comm: [Are you safe inside now?]

[Yes, thank you for a wonderful night. Call you soon.] And she ended it with a little heart icon.

A heart icon!

Kylo ran away from her apartment building, way past Rey and Ben, and when he was finally far enough away, he leapt into the air and shouted in glee for the entire planet to hear.

~*~

“MOM!” Kylo screamed, leaping up and down in the living room. “I’m in love! I’m in love I’m in love I’m in love!”

Leia clasped her hands together and gave him that special smile of hers. “Oh Kylo, I’m so happy for you.”

Han grabbed his sloshing drink off the end table. “What you are is a giant walking earthquake!”

“Shut up, Dad!” Kylo pointed to himself while leaning in close. “ _This_ is what you call happiness, and I am happier than any man that has ever lived and will ever live.”

“I take it you got laid?”

“Han!” Leia smacked him on the arm.

“What? Do you know how many women I had on first dates—”

“No, and I don’t want to know for the thousandth time.”

Kylo twitched in confusion. “Was I supposed to do that?”

“No!” Leia said at the same time Han said yes. She sighed and shook her head. “Don’t listen to him. You go at the pace she _and_ you are ready for.”

Kylo smiled, warmth flooding his cheeks. “She kissed me. It was magic.”

Han pointed at Ben. “See that? Twenty-one and he knows how to do things right. What took you so damn long?”

Ben leaned in with his teeth clenched. “This is not a fucking race!”

“Good! Because you weren’t good at sports—”

“Oh my stars, I know how to run!”

Leia was back to smacking Han. “You leave your son alone for once—how many of those have you had?”

Han took another sip. “I’m celebrating Kylo’s success.”

Rey counted on her fingers. “His success, his struggles, the laundry being clean, the sky being blue—”

“Nothing from you, missy. I saw you stumbling in here the other night.”

“That wasn’t stumbling. It’s a pirate’s midnight swagger, thank you very much.”

“Right.” He knocked back a gulp and pointed to Kylo with his pinky. “Speaking of getting laid, know what we gotta get you? A Fert-Stop device.”

Leia sighed in exasperation. “Han, not here, that’s a private discussion—”

“Never needed to get one for Ben because—”

Ben clenched his fists. “Oh my stars—SHUT UP, DAD!”

Kylo frowned in confusion. “What’s a Fert-Stop device?”

Han kept pointing with his pinky. “Keep you from becoming a dad three seconds after you lose your virginity.” He looked at Rey. “I’m gonna hope you’re locked and loaded.”

Rey cocked her head back. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I am indeed a well-stocked machine so we’re free and clear.”

Ben leaned toward her and muttered something about it being a good thing with all he had been delivering or something. Kylo was lost. On the entire conversation. “I’m not following.”

“Zaps your sperm so you don’t get anyone pregnant. Mine works a little differently, but same concept.”

He frowned again. “But I thought my sperm made beautiful children, that’s what Ben said. I don’t understand why I have to zap them.”

Rey snorted and chuckled into Ben’s chest. “Oh my stars, the conversations the two of you have.”

Ben dropped his jaw and squawked. “I meant it!”

Thankfully, Leia took up the helm on this discussion. “Kylo, honey, one day, if you want to, you can have all the beautiful children you want. But right now, it’s better to learn and grow. Having children is a big responsibility and can…” She took a breath. “…take a lot out of you if you’re not prepared. And even if you are.”

“Yeah,” Ben said, “and you might have to do novel things like PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KID!” His flaming eyes went right to Han.

Dad was so hammered as he tipped his head in Ben’s direction. “I would have if I knew what the hell you were saying the entire time.”

“You didn’t have to know what I was saying! You could have just nodded and smiled like Mom does all the time. It’s not that hard!”

“This coming from someone who hasn’t had to listen to himself go on and on for hours about bits and borps or whatever it is you’re saying—”

“That is such bullshit, I talk to myself all day! I know exactly what I sound like!”

Kylo had enough of their banter and plopped himself on the couch, head near Leia’s lap. He smiled up at her. “Mom, I’m so happy. I’ve never been so happy before.” He thought for a moment. “Do you think I should ask her to marry me?”

Mom chuckled and brushed the hair from his forehead. “Not after one date, my sweet brownie. You need time to get to know one another before making a lifetime commitment.”

“But I love her. Isn’t that enough?”

“It takes more than love to build a lasting relationship. You need patience, communication, compromise. You’ve got to be compatible in how you deal with conflict—”

Han muttered, “Now she tells me.”

“Oh shut up, you!”

Kylo tilted his head up. “Mom, how come you and Dad are always fighting like that and you’re still married?”

“Oh honey, I love your father. I’m just tired of his crap after thirty years.”

Han knocked back the rest of his drink. “You love it, princess.”

Maybe Mom was right. Marriage seemed way more complicated than he realized. Maybe he should wait for the second date to ask Dayn.

~*~

Kylo floated into his bedroom and decided to keep his shirt on overnight so he could still smell her and feel her essence until morning. Just as he was about to pull off his boots, Melanie thrust her metal arms around him and giggled.

“You’re home! I’m so happy you’re home. Shall we lay together?”

Kylo stared at her with his mouth open. Oh no. This wasn’t right, not if he was with Dayn now. But he had to keep Melanie in his room in case he had a nightmare. “Uhhh…”

Melanie quirked her head. “I sense something wrong. You’re tense. Do you want me to relieve your tension?”

Actually, he could only think of one person he wanted relieving his tension. Oh this was bad. Did droids have hurt feelings? Or jealousy? Would he be able to sleep without Melanie in his arms like he’s done for months now? What would Dayn say if she found out he had a droid girlfriend, present or past?

Kylo sat her down and gripped her arms, not sure of how to articulate it. How did one break up with a droid? He’d never broken up with a human, let alone a droid.

Rey clearly broke up with him, but he’d never use that method on another being, droid or not.

“Melanie…I don’t want to hurt you.”

She smiled. “Any damage can be repaired. What would you like to do tonight, Kylo? Shall I download a BDSM scenario? You can tie me up and whack me with your belt if I don’t do as you command.”

Kylo wanted to kick himself for the fact his dick just got hard. “Uh, no, Melanie, I…” Oh it hurt so much to do this to her. “I have something to tell you. I…”

Her luminous blue eyes just looked back at him, her soft smile endless.

“I am…with another woman now. A human. She’s my girlfriend now.”

Melanie just tipped her head slightly. “Okay.”

“That, um, means I can’t sleep with you anymore. Or have sex. Or kiss you. We have to just be…friends? I guess?”

Melanie’s eyes closed into cute crescents as she smiled. “Okay Kylo. I will watch your vitals from somewhere else in the room.”

Kylo’s shoulders slunk. “That’s it? You’re not devastated?”

“I’m not programmed to be. When Ben formed a relationship with Rey, he told me the same thing. It’s an expected part of being a droid companion.”

Kylo sucked in his lips. “I thought our relationship meant more to you. I thought you’d be hurt. I guess I should be glad I didn’t hurt you, but I…” He blinked at her. “…always thought of you as more than a droid. I had hoped you felt the way I feel, but I guess it’s better that you didn’t.”

She smiled ever so sweetly again. “Ben is very easily hurt and didn’t want to hurt himself in programming me to respond in such a way. But I will always care about you, Kylo, and will certainly miss our intimate time together, even if my programming keeps me from feeling pain over it.”

Kylo nodded. “Maybe it’s just better this way. I wouldn’t want you to feel hurt, though it would have been good to learn how to respond.”

“If you would like to practice, I can download a response pack to help you deal with your emotions on the matter. It would be a lifelike simulation of breaking up with a human.”

He was having too good of a night. This was probably a bad idea. And yet, he wanted to learn, just for the sake of exploring normal human experiences. He would never break up with Dayn, so perhaps this was his only chance to understand the complex emotions he was expected to already comprehend. “Okay, yeah. Why don’t we try that out?”

Melanie smiled. “As you wish.” She closed her eyes and opened them again. “We must repeat what we just did to get the full effect.”

Kylo scratched his head. “Uh, okay, let’s stand up.” After leading her steps from the bed, he turned to her again. “Melanie, there’s something I have to tell you.”

Where before she did nothing but smile, now she looked so concerned he already knew this was a bad idea. “Kylo, what is it?”

“Sit down.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Melanie, I…I met someone new. She’s my girlfriend, and…I guess I have to break up with you. But I know I need you and I want us to still be friends—”

“Still be _friends_?! You’ve met someone NEW?! You’re breaking UP WITH ME?!”

Oh shit. “Melanie—”

“How could you do this to me?! I love you, Kylo! I love you so much. I gave you every part of myself, and now you’re just going to throw me away because you found someone new?!”

Oh shit, this hurt. A lot. “Melanie! I’m sorry!”

“SORRY?!” She stood, her face so full of pain, and he was sure she’d be in tears if she could. “That’s all you can say? My heart and soul are ripped in half and all you can say is SORRY?!”

“I don’t know what else to say! I don’t know what to do! Melanie please, I still love you, but I have to be with a human and I love her too!”

“Oh, so I wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?! Not HUMAN ENOUGH FOR YOU?!”

Fuck this! “Melanie, can we end this? I don’t want to do this simulation anymore—”

“End this? You want me to end this?! I’LL END IT ALRIGHT! AND YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO BOTHER WITH ME AGAIN!” Sobbing, she ran for the door and shoved herself through it before it fully opened.

“MELANIE! COME BACK!” Oh shit shit shit, what did he do to her? Damn this was a bad idea. He figured he’d hold her while she cried, they’d talk, just like on TV. Kylo raced down the hallway, chasing after her while she wept and just kept running. He finally caught up and grabbed her wrist, but she flung him hard and he had to catch himself on the Force before smacking into a wall. “MELANIE!”

Ben came running out, completely baffled. “What the hell’s going on?”

Melanie spun around and thrust her arms down, sobbing and in so much pain Kylo wanted to punch himself repeatedly. “What’s going on? WHAT’S GOING ON?! Kylo Solo is an ASSHOLE who ripped my heart into shreds, and I can’t take it! I can’t live without him!” She turned and ran for the front door.

Ben pointed. “I did _not_ program her to do that.”

Kylo gripped his hair. Ben was going to be so pissed. “I had her download a breakup simulation pack, just so I could learn. I had no idea it would turn into _this!_ ”

“Oh shit, must have been a bad one. She wouldn’t have been able to distinguish. Come on, let’s get her before she does something awful.”

Ben and Kylo chased her into the streets. Damn she was fast for a droid. Ahead of them she cried, “Nearest body of water detected! Rerouting for ocean destination!”

“Craaaaap!” Ben pounded the pavement and left him behind. Kylo had to say one thing about his brother: perhaps he wasn’t a warrior, but he sure as hell was fast. Ben thrust his hand up and lifted Melanie into the air while she squealed and cried as if the galaxy was ending in a cataclysm of horror. “Melanie! I love spiders and I wish I could hug them all!”

What. The. Fuck.

But Melanie instantly stopped struggling. “Back door passphrase and voice signature authenticated. Hello, Dr. Solo.”

“Hi Melanie. I need you to uninstall and delete your newest acquired download.”

“Thank you, Dr. Solo. Please verify command with final back door passphrase.”

Ben sighed and dropped his head. “Yay, I finally had sex with a real woman.”

Kylo cocked one eyebrow at his brother. “What in the fuck is even going on?”

Melanie blinked and smiled. “Pass code and voice signature confirmed. Last acquired download removed and deleted. Hello, Kylo. You look tense. Did the simulation not perform to expectation?”

Kylo let out a breath of exasperation combined with relief as he turned to his brother. “Ben, I’m so sorry for this. I had no idea that was going to happen.”

Ben smiled and patted him on the back. “It’s okay, Ky. Next time, just check with me so I can verify the file first. Most of the sexual simulations are okay, but I never really went through all the emotional ones.”

“You’re saying you went through all the sexual ones?”

Ben blinked. “Look, all I’m saying is just let me check the details on the file first, okay buddy?”

Kylo nodded. “I will. Again, I’m sorry. If I can fix it—”

“It’s already fixed, don’t worry.” Ben put an arm around him, guiding him home. “I guess you were talking to Melanie about needing to be with Dayn now, huh?”

“Yeah. Thing is, I thought…” Kylo shook himself, feeling itchy again.

“What, buddy?”

“Ben, I…I loved her. Love her. Not like I don’t anymore, if I think about it. But I just can’t be with her. I’m supposed to be with another human, right?”

“Of course, and Melanie knows that.”

“Yeah, I just…thought she loved me too. But when I told her, she was fine with it.”

“Of course she was. You think I wanted to have a horrifying breakup with her if I ever got a girlfriend? Like _that_ insanity we just witnessed?”

Kylo shrugged. “I guess I thought if she wasn’t hurt, she didn’t love me, when I know I love her.” A spike of pain thrust through his heart as he recalled the last time he experienced a similar feeling.

“Our relationships with droids are a little different from people. Even I still love Melanie, just not in the same way. She was there for me through a lot of my pain, and I’ll always treasure her for that.”

Kylo nodded. “So it’s not wrong to still love her? But I should save myself for Dayn now, right?”

“Exactly. And um, please don’t tell Rey that I still care about Melanie. I think only someone who’s been with a droid can understand.”

Kylo nodded again. “I get it. And there’s that droid kink, too.”

Ben closed his eyes and groaned. “Ohhhh I miss that.” He smiled and hugged Kylo closer. “But some things are worth giving up for the right person.”

On that, Kylo could agree. He couldn’t wait to see Dayn again. “Um, by the way, what was with those passcodes?”

“Oh, I probably need to update them, at least the second one, anyway. They were supposed to be things I’d…” He lowered his voice. “…never say in normal conversation.”

Kylo thought about the spiders. That made sense. Then about having sex with a human. That one was just sad.

He hoped he didn’t wind up a thirty-year-old virgin like Ben had been. His brother was perfect in every way, but Kylo really didn’t want to wait that long, especially if he couldn’t have Melanie anymore.

Luckily, he’d already found his forever with Dayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So note to all, when breaking up with a droid, take the default response!
> 
> I couldn't resist that pic for the moodboard of Melanie, chuckling the entire time knowing it wasn't her original reaction but one Kylo asked for (and was very sorry for later!) 
> 
> Hm, what's up with Rey? Awfully moody with Kylo dating. Hmmm... I wanted to showcase more of what they're like together during this fic, and why it may have never worked even if Ben wasn't involved. Kylo and Rey are so much alike that when they clash, they clash HARD! They fight well together, even have fun together, but sometimes they bring out the worst in each other.
> 
> And poor Kylo when Ben started hyperventilating. For the readers, it was so comedic in Galaxy, but for poor Kylo it was a nightmare. 
> 
> Next week, our sweet Ky is going to hop on the steam train! (Finally, some steam again, am I right?) But when passion rises, Darkness rises to meet it...stay tuned!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	12. The Fire of Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Turning a golden color? That’s okay. They do that when my power’s rising.”  
>  “Your power?”  
> He dipped low to whisper in her ear. “It’s drawn to you, just like me.”  
> _  
> A passionate encounter with his new girlfriend leads Kylo to a new source of his dark power, but is he “too much”?
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot steamy NSFW woohoo coming through!
> 
> While there's no specific content warnings this time, perceptions about how the night is going may be differing. I'm not sure if that warrants any kind of tag, but just be aware if you're sensitive to this type of thing.

Having a girlfriend was the best thing ever! Besides waking up to sweet messages on his comm and talking to her projection late into the night, he got to do wonderful things like hold her hand in the halls at school, sit across from her at their favorite lunch spots, and wait for her at the end of her classes so he’d be the first thing she’d see when she exited the classroom. There he would give her soft kisses and touch her cheek for all to see.

These were surely the happiest days of his life. He truly had it all—a nice home, a wonderful family, a normal human life, and now the best girlfriend in the galaxy. Kylo never thought he could ever be happy like this, especially after his breakup with Rey.

But now he had a Rey of his own, and one day soon he would marry her and live out the rest of his days in endless bliss. Hopefully Ben would figure out the genetic problem soon so that life of bliss could be long and fruitful.

Mom had talked him out of asking Dayn to marry him so soon, but if things kept up, he’d have to do it. The only thing better than what he had now was to have her all the time, in his room, in his bed, waking up to sweet kisses, laying down with her in his arms. Perfection.

They continued to go on dates with Ben and Rey, though Kylo didn’t see the point anymore. He was learning how to have a girlfriend, and things were so much less awkward than their first date. Relaxed and content, he would reach out to touch her cheek at random moments to her delicate smile. He’d put his arm around her as they walked and hold her close, especially if any man looked at her. To this she smiled up at him, and it melted his heart.

He could order dinner without getting confused and was learning how to listen closely without his rambling mind getting distracted. And he was starting to understand her cues, like when was a good time to kiss or hold her or snarl at someone if she was feeling anxious or frightened.

Tiny, delicate thing, she was always so scared. Thankfully, she’d never have to be afraid when she was with him. He’d slaughter anyone that tried to hurt her.

The hard part was finding private time together. After more arguments with Rey (and subsequently more panic from Ben) it was agreed he and Dayn could have their space in the living area of Kylo’s and Chewy’s wing, and no one would supervise or interfere unless they heard or felt something off.

Outside of school, the public, and the hovering of others, he could finally just enjoy being solely focused on her. Sitting with her on the couch, the rest of the galaxy fell away. All he could see were those sparkling eyes, that cute rounded face, and that tiny body that didn’t match him at all but was still utter perfection.

Her delicate fingers brushed from his brow into his hair, a sensation that bore instant delight into his soul. He closed his eyes in sheer joy just from that small touch alone.

“You like that?” she whispered.

“Yeah.” His voice was soft, so lost in already overwhelming delight. Her fingers were like warm pads of silk. “No one ever touched me with kindness when I was growing up.”

“Not even a hug or pat on the back?”

Her fingers trailed through once again, and he shivered. “No. I was sixteen before I learned touch could also be kind.” And he really didn’t want to explain how. “And I’m learning all over again now. With my family. With you.” He sighed at another stroke. “It makes me so happy.”

Eyes still closed, he felt her lips upon his and just melted into the heaven of her kiss. He spent most of his life wanting what he was told to want, and only when meeting Rey did he want anything else for himself—to love and be loved in return, to be touched and held, cherished like he mattered in the universe. All Dayn had to do was kiss him, and he felt all of it at once.

Her fingers threaded into his hair, and the sudden surge of delight made him suck in air through his nose, but he didn’t dare break that kiss. It was too powerful, too sacred to sever from. He reached out and traced tentative fingers along her back, then with his palms, then his arms, testing and watching for any adverse reaction. He had to be careful, so careful that he didn’t hurt or upset his little butterfly.

Kylo wouldn’t push, not like when he was with Rey, knowing far better now. But when Dayn pressed against him and gave a gentle shove, he let her lead him flat onto the couch. His nose alone could never funnel enough air at the sudden change in sensation, but still he didn’t want to break that kiss. Eh, he could breathe later. Until then, he would let nothing sever this perfection.

Her body on top of his, her fingers in his hair, he didn’t know where he was anymore except in ecstasy. Of course, he had to angle his hips away from her because he was hard as a rock and didn’t want her to come upon that embarrassment or be scared off by it.

She slipped from his kiss and he jolted, afraid she felt it. But she was smiling as she rose, straddling his stomach. Her hands slid up his chest, firm yet gentle, fingers seeping into every crevice of his musculature. It was almost too much, but so, sooo good he never wanted her to stop.

“You’re shaking,” she whispered.

His teeth chattered as he swallowed. “It just feels so good. I wish you could do this forever.”

Her giggle and smile made his heart skip. “Did you ever have a massage?”

“I don’t kn-n-now what that is.” He wished his body would stop all this stupid trembling already!

“It’s where I rub your back muscles to help you relax.”

That sounded divine! “I’d like one. I have a hard time relaxing.” He giggled, his mouth still quivering.

She smiled as she climbed off of him. “Take off your shirt and lie on your stomach.”

Shirt? Ehhhh… “I…have a lot of scars. I was a soldier.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Kylo sat up and licked his lips. She may mind soon enough. Hesitating, then resolving himself, he grasped the end of his shirt and pulled it over his head.

Her eyes trailed over him, stopping at each one, then finally landing on the worst of all. She touched her finger ever so lightly to it. “Does this hurt?”

“Only if I hit it—it gets hit. Hard.” He shook himself, that internal itchiness gnawing at him. “It’s not like the other scars. This is a wea—” He couldn’t bring himself to finish it. “My body didn’t fully form there.”

“Poor baby,” she said, running her finger along it. He was back to shivering, and melting. She called him ‘baby,’ a sweet, innocent being. He was far from innocent, but she saw him in a different light.

Damn he loved her.

“Lie down,” she said, and he was quick to plop onto his stomach. She straddled him again, seating herself over his rear, and for a moment he tensed, for this was a vulnerable position strategically. “Shhhhh.” She must have seen his muscles bunch. Moments later, warm, petal-soft hands slid over his back.

The sensation…

The rapture…

He’d never felt anything like it. Long beautiful strokes that branched in every direction, just soft and loving, as if she truly loved his body, loved his very skin. For as inhuman as he was, she loved him as if he was just like any other man.

Then her palms pressed in deep and a new sensation rocked him right into the depths of wild space. The deepest relaxation came over him as his muscles purred beneath her expert strokes. He didn’t even realize he was moaning softly until she brushed a lock of hair from his face and asked if he was okay.

“Uh huh,” he responded, his voice higher than he’d ever heard in himself. He weirdly felt like he was going to cry, yet was so damn happy at the same time.

Who knew touch could be like this? Who knew his body could feel like this? What he did know was that he loved her more than he could ever love anyone else ever again. She made magic for him with just her hands.

Dayn held him in pure ecstasy forever, or so it seemed, before she finally gave him a gentle pat and climbed off. But he didn’t want to ever be separated from her. He sat up and looked up at her. “That was the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life. You really love me.”

She slid a finger down his nose. “You are so cute. I have to go soon though.”

Oh, if he could just marry her already she’d never have to go. “Can I just hold you a while? Before I take you home? I just need so bad to hold you.”

She was a little hesitant in a way he didn’t understand, then smiled and climbed into his lap. He lay back on the end of the couch and just held her to his chest, his nose buried in her hair. Her body so warm and soft, her breath matching his, hearts beating as one. He felt like he could just shatter he loved her so much. His body ached like he could never hold her close enough, but just having his massive arms around her was perfect.

Happiness. He was holding happiness in his arms.

And no one was going to take that away from him.

~*~

“I just don’t see why we have to do everything at your house or with your brother.” Dayn tightened her steps as she walked beside Kylo, her tiny hand dwarfed in his. “You’re a grown man.”

“We don’t do everything with my brother. We see each other all the time at school, and after, and we have the common area in my wing of the house. We’re together all the time there.”

“Where anyone can walk in.” She pulled him to a stop and faced him. “I want quiet time with you, just us.” She trailed her fingertips up his arm. “Personal time.”

Kylo shuddered in delight at her touch. If only she knew the absolute joy he experienced every time she felt his skin. “You know I want that too. It’s just safer this way.”

“For who? I feel safe with you. You would never hurt me, would you?”

“No!” He cupped her face with his free hand. “You are my beautiful butterfly. I will always be gentle with you.” She tilted her head down, a sweet blush echoing across her cheeks. She was so precious. “But you know I don’t always know the right thing to do. There’s a lot I still don’t understand. I don’t want to hurt you by accident because of my past or something I should know but don’t. They’re just there to keep you safe in case that happens.”

Dr. Lo and everyone else had been showing him what appropriate behavior looked like, how to properly recognize cues, including ones that showed someone could be frightened or hurt, and how to ask if he wasn’t sure he should be doing something. That had to count for something. Maybe Ben and Rey were being overly cautious.

Actually, not so much Ben, but definitely Rey. She was the one that kept Kylo under scrutiny, but it was understandable because Rey was the one he crossed a boundary with, so she knew his failures better than anyone else.

“Well I’m tired of having to live my love life according to their rules. And you’ve been nothing but gentle and sweet with me. I’ve been with some awful men, I know one when I see one.” She licked her lips. “Come to my apartment today.”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “Should I call Ben and Rey and have them meet us—”

“No! No Ben and Rey! Just us. Just you and me. In my place, where we can be alone.” She slid her hands from his arms up his chest, and ohhhh was he having trouble resisting.

“I…don’t know if I should.”

She looked up at him, the huge eyes on her tiny face melting him from head to toe. “Do you _want_ to? Huh, Kylo? Do you want to be alone with me?” She pressed her body against his, finger tips caressing his lips. “Just us, in our own private space?”

He knew what he should say, but the trembling in his body and the ache in his pants spoke for him. “Yes,” he whispered, and damnit he meant it. Just this once he wanted to be with a woman without Rey popping in to fuck it all up like she usually did.

Dayn took his hand and pulled him in the direction of her apartment. “Then let’s go.”

He shouldn’t. He couldn’t.

But his legs followed her, and he couldn’t convince them to do otherwise.

Entering her apartment felt all kinds of wrong, and Kylo almost sent a quick message to Ben to tell him what he was doing, to make sure it was okay, but he resisted. He didn’t want Ben to be mad at him for doing this in the first place and also didn’t want anyone to stop him.

Except for kissing in the common room and massages, they had spent very little personal time together, and the more he was with her, the more he wanted to keep kissing her until it led further and further.

These past few weeks had been a constant buildup from all the kissing and touching, and he was about to explode. He would keep control, of course he would, until she was ready, but he had sensed her readiness for a while. He may have trouble understanding emotions and social cues, but physical cues he could sense a parsec away. Her scent had changed, body heat higher than normal, and her hands roved more than his did.

“Do you want something to drink?”

Kylo shook his head. He could have stood to down a quick Hyper-Fuel, but she had already assured him she was never touching the stuff, citing terrible insomnia. Weird because it usually calmed his brain down and sharpened it, helped him focus. There were many study sessions he couldn’t do without it.

Dayn took both of his hands. “You’re so nervous.”

Of course he was. They were alone in her apartment. Either she wanted what he did, or he was going to be very confused trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with no help from Ben or Rey.

All he could do was nod.

She giggled in that chirping little way of hers and pulled him to the couch. After sitting, she drew him down next to her, and he already started trembling. He knew what he wanted, but he wasn’t sure she did or how to do anything right.

His jaw quivering, making it hard to talk, he said, “Tell me what you want me to do. Please.”

She tilted her head, bearing that feather-soft neck of hers. “I want you to kiss me.”

That was easy. Kylo leaned in and caught her mouth with more gusto than he probably should have, but she didn’t object or back away. Instead, her hands sunk into his hair, tender fingertips caressing his scalp and sifting through his long locks. He pulled her close to him, his giant hands taking over and caressing her back. One hand slid into her hair, fluffy swirls sliding through his fingers in a cascade of delight. He deepened his kiss, overpowering her mouth as he leaned forward, pressing himself against her.

And had to stop. This is what got him in trouble last time. He broke the kiss and just breathed, trying to cool himself down.

“What’s wrong?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, not knowing how to articulate the fact that he had gotten overly physical with someone before and regretted it since. “I’m too much.”

Dayn shrugged in that coy way of hers. “I liked it.”

He had liked it too. Stars, he wanted her. “Please tell me to stop if I go too far. I won’t know if I’m going too far, so you _have_ to tell me, please.”

“I will.”

He lifted his hand, hesitated for a moment, then cupped her cheek and kissed her again. Softly, then passionately. That surge of passion flooded him again, and he slid his tongue in deep, arching himself to come at her from above, overpowering her once again.

_Just tell me to stop. Just tell me to stop. Just tell me to stop._

But she didn’t. Instead, her hands slid over his chest, softer than a massage and calling to his deepest desires. Tiny fingers slid over his nipples and now his pants were way too tight.

Shit, he was hard. Very much so. He tried to pull his shirt down to hide it, but she grabbed the hem and pulled up. Oh wow. He broke from the kiss to let her pull his shirt off and closed his eyes as her hands caressed his skin. Such pure overload, exquisite magic, to be touched like his body was okay, was human and worthy. Her fingers skated over his scars, and he wanted to pull away, but she didn’t say anything, didn’t mock or question them, so he let her explore.

Dayn pulled off her own shirt, then unhooked her bra. Damn he wanted to feel his body against her bare skin, to mouth those pillowy breasts.

She did say she would tell him to stop if he went too far.

It was such a demeaning feeling, to want something so much but to be so scared of being wrong about it, of being rejected because of his own inadequate knowledge of what he was supposed to do and when. He knew what he wanted, and if he didn’t have to abide by any unspoken rules he had yet to understand, he would just dive in there and lick that body of hers from head to toe, grip her skin beneath his hands, sink into her and thrust like mad while she begged for more.

At least he could start simple.

Kylo engulfed her in a kiss once more and pulled her body against his. Ohhhh yes, this was magic, her petal soft skin, warm and supple connected in tandem with his. Her arms, her hands, her form, all of it at once both soothed his soul and made him scream for her.

All his life he spent hating his body, hating its failures, its ugliness, its weaknesses, hiding it beneath cloth and C-leather, knowing only pain and disgust.

Now it was heaven, wrapped in a delicate embrace, loved and honored and treated not just with care but with a pleasure he never imagined.

Okay, since he had come this far, perhaps it was worth the risk to keep going. He slid his hands from her back up the front of her chest and grasped her breasts, thumbs brushing against her nipples. Dayn gasped and let out a soft squeak that nearly burst him out of his pants.

_Just tell me to stop and I will. Just tell me to stop and I will._

Again, she didn’t. He left her kiss and trailed tasting little pecks down her luscious neck, over her bare shoulder and down her chest, until he took just about her entire breast into his mouth at once. While his tongue explored the incredible softness and intriguing landscape of her nipple, she held his head, stroking his hair, breathing into his scalp which sent tingles of delight down his skin.

If a body could feel like this, maybe there was nothing wrong with his. Maybe he could even honor and love it.

He finally left her breast to give the other one attention, but looked up at her just to check in, make sure she was still okay with everything. She answered by capturing him in a kiss, just as forceful and powerful as his had been. Her hands slid over his pecs, his shoulders and arms, including his giant fusion scar, embracing every muscle. She really liked those, so they must be okay. Women seemed to enjoy them for some reason.

Those hands returned to his chest, down his stomach, teased over his line of hairs leading down…down…

Kylo yanked from her kiss to suck in a waft of air as she gripped his achingly hard manhood. He could only heave breaths as he watched her stroke it up and down over his pants, and there was never a time he wanted to rip off his clothing more than that moment.

Dayn unbuckled his belt and unfastened his pants. He arched up as she pulled his pants and underwear down at once, so glad to be free of such restrictions, yet feeling the residual horror of being naked in front of others. But she wasn’t judging or mocking. She only examined his manhood as she gripped it in two hands.

“You’re so much bigger than I expected,” she said. And then she stroked him into absolute heaven.

Through his panting and swallows he asked, “Is that okay?”

“It’s wonderful. Just…might take a little adjusting to.”

Kylo nodded and couldn’t stop watching her pleasure him. Faint whispers of, “Fuck” fell from his lips, his entire body wanting and screaming to bury himself inside her. This ache, back to this ache, the endless overwhelming desire he remembered from way back when.

Only he never got this far with Rey. Not even close. If he had, he probably wouldn’t have lasted a minute.

This was nice on its own, but damn he wanted more, enough that it pumped through his veins, invaded his muscles, vibrated in his very bones.

He’d never felt like this before, so ravenous, so overwhelmed with this need to seek pleasure that it possessed him like a demon. He wanted her, every bit of her, to fall into heaven with someone that wanted to be there right with him.

Attacking her mouth again, he drove his kiss so deep he almost pushed her off of himself and had to pull back a little. Her hands were so busy, so he did his part by exploring her body, finding all the places that made her pitch, gasp, or moan, until his fingers trailed down that incredibly soft stomach of hers.

He left her mouth to whisper against her lips, “Can I touch you?”

“Yes.”

That response was like wildfire in his soul. He slid down between her legs, over her thin pants, and felt nothing but heat, dampness, and softness.

Ohhh stars. If he wasn’t on fire before, he was now.

He slid his hand inside of her pants this time, tracing curls, feeling for the source of that incredible moisture and heat.

And found it.

Dayn gasped, and now nothing else would do. He needed to have her, all of her, and now!

“Do you want to go to my bedroom?”

He nodded, and when she stood, he grabbed her and hoisted her about his waist to a resounding yelp of surprise. He shook himself out of his pants and carried her to the only other room in the place. Her bed was tiny, but he’d make do, even if he had to stand up.

Kylo tipped her down onto the bed, nearly flattening her as he landed with two arms beside her, and dove down to inhale her scent. In her hair he sucked in a deep breath, growling as he raked his teeth down her neck, her panting cries driving him onward. Giant suckling kisses he plastered down her chest, over her breasts, and as he reached her stomach, he grasped her pants and underwear and was not terribly delicate in yanking them off.

More giant kisses, lower and lower he went, going by the information Ben had provided in pleasuring a woman (which he was assured contained factual and anecdotal data from at least 284 different sources.) When he reached the curls upon her sacred mound, that’s when it hit him.

Her scent—sweet and musky and stirring something within him he did not expect. This wasn’t a pheromone replacement on a replica. This was real, and animalistic, and feral. The hunger that awoke in him flooded him with the Darkness.

He had to keep that contained. Damnit, why the hell did it have to show up?!

Kylo kept it out of his mind and flicked his tongue against her crease, testing and tasting. Ohhh yes, this was good, so very good. Again he explored, both with his tongue and his long fingers. Every little coo and gasp from his delicate lovely drove him onward. But it was her undulating cry of delight that let him know he hit the right spot.

And he kept at it, flicking and suckling, licking and teasing, all the while his fingers dipped in and out until they found yet another spot that made her cry out, writhe, and call his name.

More and more the heat built, and he lifted his eyes to watch her fall apart beneath the gift of his tongue and fingers. He was pleasuring a woman, making her feel good, imbued with the power to give gratification in its most ultimate form. Such power in so very little action, but something else was stirring.

The fiery Darkness snaked through him once again, fueling his passion and drive like never before. An intoxicating cocktail of raw power, it not only consumed him but _empowered_ him. Kylo had to give into it, because there was no other way. Power flooded him in a torrent, and hazy, wanting eyes begged for more.

He left her lower lips and crept up, a predatory hunter’s heat in his gaze, targeting his prey—not to hurt, not to kill, but to devour in an explosion of ecstasy that would unlock every source of power within himself.

Kylo slid his hand to her throat, very gentle, but just enough to dominate, and whispered in her ear. “How bad do you want me?”

“Very bad,” she whimpered.

“Tell me. Tell me how bad you want me.”

Dayn moaned. “I want you so bad, Kylo. Please!”

He lifted his face so he could look into her eyes, to let her see the darkness in him, to let her feel the fires of passion pulsing out of him.

She swallowed. “Kylo, your eyes!”

“Turning a golden color? That’s okay. They do that when my power’s rising.”

“Your power?”

He dipped low to whisper in her ear. “It’s drawn to you, just like me.” With that he rolled his hips, seeking, searching, until he found that sweet heat once more, and pressed in.

She was so incredibly slippery, but he was meeting a lot of resistance. She said she wasn’t a virgin. Shit, maybe he _was_ too big!

“Just go slow,” she whispered, “in and out. Keep trying.”

He tamed his heat and took tender care, just as she asked for, slipping a little deeper each time while she shifted and adjusted. Slow or not, this was already incredible.

“I think that’s all. That’s all I can take.”

Whoa. He was maybe two thirds or three quarters in and reached the limit. Damn, now he knew he was a giant. Still, as he carefully rolled in and out, her tightness squeezing him into oblivion, it was perfect.

Fuck that. It was absolute fucking heaven!

The heat, that fire, the swirling Darkness built up once more as he panted, driving into her but not too deep. Her cries were a mix of pleasure and surprise, and he loved to watch her body writhe beneath him, her eyes not sure what to do with him, to be in love or unnerved.

Well, he never wanted to scare her, but damn his friggin Darkness fed off of it, growing stronger, pulsing out and infusing the room with its seductive power.

“Do you like that?” he asked, driving into her.

She nodded. “Uh huh! You’re just so…so big!”

“And you’re…so fucking tight! GRRR!” By the fucking stars it felt so good, and this sudden surge of energy blasted through him, and endless delight he never felt before. Somehow his darkness was feeding off of being with an actual human, responding to her scent and energy, her lifeblood, her essence.

He slid his hand up to her throat again, never to hurt, never to squeeze, just to possess and feel her vital essence pulsing beneath his hand. Ohhh yes, this deep, carnal drive, pulsing right into the heart of what it meant to be alive and floating at the razor’s edge of life and death.

The bloody path of the warrior of the Dark Side.

“KYLO?! Are we _floating?!_ ”

He looked around and well shit, look at that, they were! He’d never reached levels like this before. Sure he could leap and land assisted by the Force, but to float in place? Never. Not even once in all his training. That took such mastery and concentration.

Or passion.

And he knew he had to make her feel as good as he felt at that moment. He reached down with the Force and rubbed against her clitoris, nice and fast. Dayn sucked in a squeal and arched backwards, her body a crescent in the air while they floated high above her bed.

“Ohhhh you like that,” he crooned. “You like that, don’t you?”

She gave some kind of moaning response, but it sounded positive.

“I wanna make you scream.”

“I…I’m so close.”

“Go all the way. All the way in. I want to see you. I want to see you succumb to my power.”

Her chest rose and fell with heavier gasps, and then he felt the spasm that pushed him over the edge. She screamed out, tender body bucking beneath him, and the intoxicating high that signaled his own finish rose to an intensity he never felt before in his life, enough that he experienced something new and shocking.

Static. Sparkling along his finger tips.

He clenched his fists so he wouldn’t accidentally shoot Force lightning across her room and rode the most intense orgasm of his life that ripped through him, clenching every muscle as he growled into a roar the erupted from the depths of space, all the while the Force vibrated around him like a living entity existing in tandem with himself.

And finally it softened. All of it.

The heat, the fire, the darkness, all of it softened and left him as the most incredible joy flooded his entire being. Their bodies lowered back to the bed, and he hung over her, sweat droplets trickling from the ends of his hair.

In that moment, he knew he loved her forever.

“I love you,” he spoke against her lips. “I love you so much.”

“Oh Ky…”

He rolled to the side and gathered her in his arms. That’s how he wanted her, from that moment forward, for eternity, in his arms.

He rode a tide of elation unlike any other, the first he’d ever had. The misery of his past disappeared, Exegol disappeared. His failures, his sudden bouts of rage, the time limit on his life, the constant pain of his cloned body—all of it was gone and replaced by the most beautiful and pure love he ever felt.

Maybe it was better that he never had sex with Rey. If he would have had this, in the midst of the hell he was enduring, he would have never survived her leaving him.

Kylo nestled deep into Dayn’s hair. “I love you so much. I’ve never loved anyone like this, and I never will. You’re my forever, Dayn. And I’m going to marry you, and take you home, and keep you forever, because you’re perfect and I never want anyone else.”

Oh, he was so tired now, and she must have been too because she didn’t respond. Probably fell asleep, just like he was about to.

~*~

Kylo sprung from a dreamless sleep at the shaking of the bed.

“Kylo? It’s getting late. You should probably head home.”

He checked his comm. Shit! And there were a few messages from Ben and Mom wondering where he was. Damn, he missed dinner. He fired off a couple quick messages to them and smiled at Dayn. “Sorry about that. I don’t usually fall asleep so easily.” He plopped back on the pillow and just admired her. She was dressed already, in soft pajama pants and a shirt, making him want to scoop her up and cuddle her for a few more hours. “You’re so beautiful.”

She gave him a half smile. She must have been so tired. “I gotta get to bed soon. School tomorrow.”

Kylo sighed. “Right.” He chased down his clothes and took a little longer to get dressed than usual, his body feeling so slow and relaxed.

Sex with a real woman was incredible. He couldn’t wait to tell Ben! And Dad, who would really appreciate it.

Dressed, lightsaber back on his belt, he headed toward the door. Dayn saw him toward it, but stayed a few paces back. No problem. He spun and scooped her into his arms with a huge hug and devoured her with one more kiss. “Don’t worry. Soon we’ll never have to be apart like this. I love you so much.” He kissed her again. “I love you.”

He set her down, and she smiled. “Goodnight Kylo.”

He stepped outside the door and waited as she closed it. Once her footsteps faded, he raced down the hall out of the building, and considered running all the way home he was in such a fabulous mood. Then halfway home he realized that was a stupid idea and caught a transport the rest of the way. He promised he wouldn’t overexert himself, and after the evening he had…

~*~

Kylo burst into the living room, thrust his hands into the air, chest puffed out in pride, and declared, “I have had sex for the first time!”

Silence.

Rey stared at him with a crooked face, as if she wasn’t sure whether to laugh or interrogate him. Mom chuckled with her fingers to her forehead. Uncle Chewy just sat there as if this wasn’t news to anyone. Ben bore an aghast face of shock, jealousy, and awe. And Dad just stared with that usual grumpy face of his.

Then he struck his whiskey glass hard against the table. “Get this kid a drink! RP47! Cup! Whiskey! Now!”

Kylo whipped his head back and forth. “No-no-no alcohol!”

“Kid, you gotta celebrate. Beer?”

“I can’t!”

“Well what the hell can you drink?”

Kylo looked to Ben. “Hyper-Fuel?”

Ben nodded. “Hyper-Fuel.”

“Fuel up?”

“Fuel up!”

Han rolled his eyes. “Whatever—47! Bring the whiskey and a bottle of sludge—”

“ _Hyper-Fuel!_ Damnit Dad! Last time you did that, 47 brought me some foul-smelling yech I think he dug out of the sink!”

“What’s the difference?”

Ben leaned forward, his teeth clenched. “What’s the difference between your crap and battery acid?”

Leia stood, waving them off. “Alright, enough you two already.” She stepped over to Kylo and took his hands. “I’m…happy you’re happy, Kylo. She seems like a very nice girl.”

Kylo couldn’t contain his excitement. “I’m going to marry her for sure now, Mom!”

Leia gave a soft but wise smile. “Honey, maybe it’s a little too soon for that just yet.”

“But she’s the love of my life, I know it! I met the one, Mom. Now and forever, she’ll be the only one for me.”

Leia licked her lips, but before she could say anything, Han called, “Come on! Drink up and celebrate, if you can call this drinking.”

Leia swung Kylo’s hands back and forth. “Go ahead and celebrate with your father or he won’t shut up about it. We’ll talk more about it in the morning.”

Kylo smiled and kissed her head. He couldn’t wait to work with Mom to help redesign his room and other parts of the wing so Dayn could move in.

~*~

Before long, Chewbacca carried Han off to his room to sleep off the celebration, leaving a whiskey-softened Rey and a wired Ben and Kylo to revel some more.

And now that Dad was gone, who never understood these things, Kylo could ask the question that had been burning at him since it happened. “Guys, can I ask you something about your sex lives?”

Rey said no and Ben said yes at the same time. They looked at one another and had a discussion through their bond. Damnit. He hated being cut off from them. There was a certain sense of belonging he had with them when they all shared one mind. Now he was an “other.”

Ben turned. “Well what kind of question? Some things are private for a reason.”

“Why?”

Rey barked, “They just are! Now what the hell do you want to know?”

Kylo ran his fingertips along his pants, the physical sensation helping to hone his scattered mind. “Does your Dark power ever creep up during it? Like you’re not asking for it, but it shows up anyway?”

“Oh yeah,” Ben said, matter-of-factly.

“Definitely,” Rey added.

Kylo let out a breath of relief. “It’s the passion part, right? I mean I’ve felt it before with Melanie, but not like this. It’s the one thing Palpatine made sure I didn’t know about. He cut me off from it, made me focus on the pain and anger. That’s probably why no one ever explained what sex was. But it was so powerful tonight, just flowing through me, and fuck it felt so good—we were actually floating, and I didn’t even try to do that! It just happened!”

Rey leaned forward. Was that concern on her face? “How did Dayn react?”

Kylo thought about it. “I don’t know. She mentioned my eyes were changing colors, and I just told her they do that sometimes because of the Force.” He shrugged. “She was having fun, just like me. And I told her from the beginning if I was doing anything wrong to make sure she told me, and she said she would. It surprised her, the floating, but otherwise, I was just making her feel good and I think she was focused on that.” He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Guys, lightning started sparking on my fingertips, when it was feeling really good, like right at the end. I had to close my hands to keep from doing anything.” He smiled, so damn excited. “I was never able to do that before! Imagine what else I could do I don’t even know about!”

Ben and Rey were looking at each other again, then back at him. Ben took on that smile that said he was about to dole out some brotherly advice. “Maybe it’s a better idea to practice that at home. Remember, Dayn isn’t Force-sensitive. You don’t want to scare her.”

Oh that’s the last thing he’d ever want to do. “But she knows what I can do. She’s seen me with my lightsaber, it’s not a surprise to her.”

Rey flopped back on the couch. “Darkside shit scares people, even the Force-sensitive. Trust me, I know. Had half of the Resistance was ready to run for their lives when I turned it on.”

Kylo nodded. “Okay. I don’t want to scare her. I love her too much.”

“Ky, you barely know her.”

That sparked an instant flash of tension through him. “You barely knew Ben and fell in love with him.”

“That’s true,” Ben said, giving Rey little nibbling kisses along her cheek. “And I loved her with all my soul in no time.”

Rey sighed as Ben continued to maul her with little kisses. “That was different, we—”

Kylo stood. “I feel how I feel. And I love her. I knew it without a doubt that moment I held her in my arms after.”

“Called afterglow—”

“Rey, I know this! And you can’t take that from me, so…don’t.” He turned and charged for his room, not interested in an argument after having the best night of his life.

He and Dayn were meant to last forever, and no one was going to take that from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Ky boo, those feelings of yours are so big and overwhelming, maybe even a little "too much" for you to see clearly. 
> 
> Not for nothing, but I personally would LOVE to succumb to Kylo's power *waggling eyebrows*
> 
> Well that's our last chapter of 2020. While it's been a craptastic year, it's also been my most creative. I also met you wonderful readers who have boosted me when I felt like my writing was nothing but pure crap. So if I have to leave 2020 on any end note, it's with gratitude for you all who have made me smile so much this past year and the friends I've made along the way, so thank you thank you thank you!!!
> 
> Next week we're going back to the Friday schedule (plus I need some time to do more edits on the next chapter and some other stuff.) How will Ky start this new year? Well, buckle up and get the hug troops ready...
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	13. Train of Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He could see Ben’s shoulders rise and fall from his breaths increasing. “Okay Kylo, first, is anyone hurt?”  
>  Kylo shook his head. “No. Just scared.”  
> _
> 
> When Kylo's relationship takes a turn, old wounds fuel a fire that have unplanned consequences.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: With the chaos going on around the world right now, including in my home country of the US, I do hope you are all staying safe. Hang in there, and hold onto the goodness and beauty in this world. It's there, even if we don't get to see it as often as we should. I've posted this for those who need a break from reality for a little while, but understand if you'd prefer to save reading for better times.
> 
> This one is definitely the pain train episode. It's also the one that earns the "sometimes Kylo is not always nice" tag and "relationship issues" tag. I hope you'll forgive him, because this won't be one of his best moments. But for someone raised like he was, trying to fit into his new world, there are some hard lessons he has to learn. Sooo...
> 
> CW for possessive/obsessive behavior, mild false imprisonment, altered mental states. Possessive/obsessive parts are peppered in the beginning toward the middle but most prominent near the false imprisonment section, which starts (noted by ****) with "She tried again" and ends at "He dropped his jaw". 
> 
> And yes, since you asked, the title is based on a Megadeth Song.

Kylo messaged Dayn the first thing in the morning, not wanting to wake her with a call. [Hi! Can’t wait to see you today. I love you so much. See you soon.] He couldn’t wait for her response. Seeing a notification from her always sparked him into instant joy.

Morning classes ended, and still she hadn’t gotten back to him. She would be heading to lunch, so he tried to call.

No answer. That was odd.

He tried to contain the nerves in his stomach as he dashed to all her favorite lunch spots. Still she was nowhere to be found, not answering, and not returning his messages.

Kylo couldn’t eat, not with his nerves putting a stranglehold on his stomach. What happened to her? Did that ex-boyfriend come back? Did he hurt her?! Oh, Kylo would kill him then—no! Torture the son of a bitch, slice his limbs off one by one with his lightsaber if that bastard touched a hair on his beautiful Dayn.

Anger flaring and pumping through his veins, he stormed the halls of the university looking for the bastard, seeing as he couldn’t find her. His comm signaled that the next class had started, but he didn’t give a fuck about math at a time like this. The halls quieted, people filing into their respective rooms, leaving him alone to hunt in peace.

He stopped at one door, recalling this was a class he had walked Dayn to one afternoon. He pressed his face to the window and scanned, so damn scared he wouldn’t find her there.

Yet there she was. Just sitting, paying attention, as if nothing was happening.

Okay…okay…the fire calmed down. She was safe. Clearly her comm was broken. He’d just wait until after class and talk to her.

He sat outside the door for the hour, holding a knee to his chest and ignoring his rumbling stomach. When class let out, he sprung to his feet and waited just beyond the stream of students until her tiny frame appeared.

“Dayn!” He took one giant step to walk beside her. “Hi.”

She gave him a brief smile and continued walking ahead.

Kylo kept pace, just so damn excited to see her, and he wished she would stop a moment so he could kiss her and make the terror of that morning float away. “I’ve been trying to message you all morning. And call you. I think your comm is broken.”

“Oh, okay.”

“You weren’t at our lunch spots either.”

“I brought today.”

“Oh, that’s good. I’m hungry. I missed lunch looking for you.”

She sped up. “I have to get to class.”

“Okay, make sure you get your comm looked at. I can have my brother fix it; he’s really good at that stuff.”

She gave him a quick smile and hurried off.

Good. That was good. She was safe, and he was hungry. But he had more classes.

Ones he’d never get through if he didn’t eat something. He skipped the next period and wolfed down a sandwich.

He could barely concentrate through his last class, and when it let out, he sped around campus trying to catch her to no avail. And she clearly didn’t get her comm fixed because he didn’t hear from her all night. Damn, he ached to talk to her, just _ached_ , like nothing else would ever be right if he couldn’t connect with her.

Oh to be Ben and Rey who were only a thought away from one another.

The next morning, after his messages were still ignored, he burst out of his first class early despite the barking from his professor. He had to be at the exit of her class so he could talk to her, let her know her comm wasn’t yet fixed. But as he approached the class, he saw security standing outside of it.

Oh no. What happened?!

Kylo raced forward and was stopped by a palm. “What’s going on?”

“Please return to your class or continue to your next one.”

His heart pounded in his chest. “Is Dayn okay? Did someone hurt her?” He pushed past the security guards to look inside the window, only to have a hand grab his arm to still him. Magma replaced his bloodstream, and it took every amount of strength he had not to Force-choke the living shit out of the guy.

“You must be Kylo Solo.”

Kylo licked his lips, not removing his glare from the sweating security guard. “Yeah.”

“We are asking you politely not to stand outside Dayn Erjen’s classrooms or follow or approach her.”

Kylo breathed. Just breathed. What was going on? Clearly a mistake. “You don’t understand, it’s her ex-boyfriend that wanted to hurt her. He said he would the moment I left her side, so I had to set him straight. He’s the one you have to watch out for.”

“We were instructed to deliver this request specifically to you. For now it’s polite, but if you choose to ignore it, we will no longer be polite about it. Dayn Erjen no longer wishes to have your company, and it is our duty to ensure the safety of our students—”

“Safety?!” Kylo clenched his fist, ready to punch the man across the room. “I would never hurt her. Never!”

The security guard sighed. “Look, we have to do our jobs. If a student feels unsafe, we have to protect them. Do yourself a favor and keep yourself out of trouble. Just give her the space she asks for.”

A soul crushing ache found its way into his chest. “But I don’t understand this. We’re in love. She loves me, and I love her. She never said she was scared of me! I don’t get this—”

The doors slid open and the security guards pushed him back, letting the stream of students file out. All eyes were on him and the guards, and the burning sting of humiliation crept across him, infuriating him even more.

Then Dayn slid out. Excitement flooded him, and surely once she saw what was happening she’d clear it all up. “Dayn! DAYN!” She didn’t even look at him, as if she couldn’t hear him, but he knew he was loud enough. Oh no…maybe it wasn’t a mistake after all. “Dayn, what’s wrong? Why is this happening?! Please TALK TO ME!”

She just kept walking.

Panic. Pain. Confusion. He didn’t know what to do with any of it. He could only breathe and try to find something to do with his hand that went to his hair, clawed at the wall, waved in the air.

The security guards were way too close, in his space, past his boundaries, and very soon he was going to obliterate them in one swing of his lightsaber if they didn’t BACK THE FUCK OFF.

“Kylo, listen,” the second one said, his voice lower and softer. “Whatever happened, we can’t change it. All we can do is our jobs. Please just make this easier on yourself and us and keep away from her.”

He was on the verge of tears and hated himself so much for it. “But I love her. I don’t know why this is happening.”

The first was speaking again. The bastard. “That isn’t for us to figure out, only to keep her safe from you. If you’re caught approaching her on campus, we will have no choice but to bar you from entry. Don’t make us have to do that.”

Kylo flicked his furious eyes in the man’s direction. _You couldn’t stop me. None of you could stop me. I could crush you with a thought and slaughter you where you stand before you could lift a finger._ He sucked in breath after breath. Ben wouldn’t want him to do that. Ben would be so disappointed after working so hard to get Kylo into this school with all his specialized needs. And Mom would be heartbroken.

He had to walk away. The hardest thing to do.

Lowering his eyes, as he had done countless times when faced with a superior officer or entity, he backed away and forced himself to walk in the opposite direction Dayn had gone in.

And kept going. All the way home.

He didn’t enter the house, only went straight for his rage room. Once inside, once locked away somewhere safe from a galaxy that confused and hurt him, he screamed into a fury and slammed his lightsaber into everything in sight, flinging junk parts across the room into the walls, testing the strength of the V-8-R polymer, just tearing and destroying until with a summoning of all the fury in him, he struck out with Force-lightning, reveling as some of the junk sizzled and exploded, some burst into flames. Fire and destruction and still it did nothing to quell the pain and confusion.

But it did tire him out, and maybe sleep was the best thing right now. Maybe if he just slept a few days, she’d calm down and he could talk to her.

Kylo left the rage room and set it to snuff out the flames with the press of a button. Then he holed himself up in his room and just lay on his bed, staring into space.

She loved him. Why was this happening? Did he really scare her off? Was it the Dark Side power that came up? Damnit! But she didn’t seem afraid, didn’t say she was afraid. Surprised, yes, but not afraid. It didn’t make sense! Okay, well if it was that the issue, then no problem. He’d just assure her he’d never ever do that again, that she was safe with him and he’d never hurt her.

He just had to talk to her, and everything would be alright.

Eventually Kylo called for RP47 to bring him a snack. He didn’t want to go out there and face his family. Luckily Ben was swamped with work, Leia was at the Senate late, and Rey was off doing who knew what when she got bored.

Rey…

He did not want to tell her she may have been right. Perhaps about all of this.

_Please let her be wrong. Please…_

~*~

Kylo went to his classes the next day and was sure to avoid Dayn’s path or spots. If she wanted space, he would give it to her, because then she’d relax and finally talk to him, let him know what he did wrong. If he did everything right, surely she’d come back to him.

That day passed with no communication. Okay.

The next day was the same story. She just needed a little more time.

By the third he was coming apart. Not once did he concentrate in any of his classes, and he barked at a teacher when she questioned why he didn’t know an answer. He canceled his therapy appointment because he couldn’t handle his old problems on top of this new one, claiming he was sick (which was partly true.) He’d barely eaten and spent so much energy in the rage room that he had to stop as to not drop his energy too low. Kylo lied to his family and said he was too busy studying to make it down for dinner or breakfast.

How could he tell them he’d scared off Dayn? How could he face Rey’s smug face in knowing she was right all along?

And how could he look at her without exploding when the pain she stabbed into his heart four years ago felt just as fresh alongside this new agony?

On day four he had a plan.

Dayn was notorious for using one of the private study rooms after her chemistry class. He watched and waited until she gathered her things and zipped through the doorway before she could leave.

She looked up at him with a gasp and huge eyes.

Kylo could barely breathe. She was so pretty. All he wanted to do was kiss her, but he needed to know what he did wrong. “Hi.”

She licked her lips, eyes flicking to the doorway behind him. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Dayn, what did I do wrong? Please just tell me. Please let me fix it.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.” She tried to dart to his side out the door, but he stepped in front of the space, hoping she’d finally just talk to him. All she did was shrink back.

“Please, _please_ tell me what I did. I honestly don’t know. I thought we were having such a good time together, and now you won’t see me or look at me. Please, I can’t take it! You know I don’t know how to have relationships, please tell me so I know what I did wrong!” He angled himself a little lower to appear less threatening. “Did I scare you? When we were having sex? With my powers?”

Her head was tilted down, and her small shoulders shrugged slightly. “A little.”

Kylo shook his head. “I won’t ever do it again. I didn’t know what was happening—that was my first time with a woman—I didn’t know all that was going to happen, I’m so sorry.” He held out his hand. “Please let me fix it? Somehow?”

She shook her head. “It’s not just that. That wasn’t even…it was a little unnerving, maybe a little exciting, I don’t know, but it didn’t bother me that much until after when you…”

Kylo sighed. “Please tell me. All of it. I can’t change if I don’t know what I did wrong!”

She finally picked her head up, defiant. “You were right, okay? You are too much. And I can’t handle it.”

Kylo shook his head ever so slightly. “But how? Tell me how.”

“It’s everything! I thought it was sweet and protective at first, I felt safe with you because I knew you wouldn’t let anything hurt me, but you’re the one I’m starting to be afraid of! It’s just like Goren all over again, and I can’t do it! First your eyes changing, then you started looking so dangerous—”

“I promise I won’t ever do any of that again. I wish you had told me! I would have stopped, you know that!”

“And then after? Telling me how much you love me and you’re going to marry me and take me home with you, keep me forever—we hardly know each other! And it’s like you’re possessing me, like I’m some object to be kept, with no care about how I feel!”

Wait…telling her he loved her was wrong? “But I do love you, and I know you’re the one for me. How is that wrong?”

“It’s too much! And it’s too creepy, and I’ve been hurt too many times and I can’t handle it. I’m sorry, I should have just told you, but I’m so bad with conflict. I hate it and I was scared, and I hoped you would just take the hint and leave me alone and instead you’re here looking at me like that and I can’t HANDLE IT!”

He was so confused, confused and in utter pain, because nothing made sense. No, it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that she took him back. “I’m sorry. For everything, I’m sorry. Please just give me a chance to do better. I need that chance—I told you, I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m learning and I learned so please, let’s just go back to how we were and you can tell me how you want me to act and I’ll do it, I promise.”

“No, it’s too late for any of it. I need to go.”

She tried to break for it again, but he stepped in front of her, not sure what he was officially hearing. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“I wasn’t ready to get back into a relationship, and you need too much. I have to go.”

****She tried again, but this time he purposely thrust his hands over the doorframe and blocked it. A searing, vicious stab wound opened up in his heart, and the walls felt like they were crashing in on him. The _galaxy_ felt like it was crashing in on him. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Kylo, let me go! I have to get to class!” She tried to dash again, but he pushed himself against the frame.

“I will do anything. Dayn…” Air funneled in and out of his chest as he tried to still a well of agony about to burst out of him. “Please just—promise you won’t leave me!”

She just looked up at him, her eyes widening. “Kylo…let me go.”

He clasped his hand to his mouth for a moment, trying to understand, trying to figure this all out, trying to contain a rushing tide of crushing pain. She couldn’t leave him. She had to let him fix it! Why wouldn’t she let him fix it?! “I can’t let you go! You haven’t given me a chance! I can fix this—please just tell me how, I will do anything just don’t leave me— _do not_ leave me, Dayn, I can’t take it, I can’t handle it. Just promise me we’ll still be together and I’ll let you go to class, I promise.”

Dayn stepped back, her eyes wider. She was so adorably precious. He just wanted to hold her, comfort her, tell her it would all be better, and he would if she would just give him a chance. “Kylo let me out of here.”

“When you promise me you’ll stay with me.”

The pain must have been clogging his vision, because suddenly he was seeing things he should have noticed before. The way she was standing, the way her hands clutched to her chest, tears forming at the rims of her eyes as she backed away from him. Not toward him, not toward the safety of his arms, but away.

****He dropped his jaw as realization hit. “Am I frightening you?”

A tear coursed down her cheek. “Yes.”

And that’s when it struck, like a starship right to his body. He was doing the one thing he promised he’d never do to her. He was supposed to be her protector, to save her from her crazy ex-boyfriend and anyone else that wanted to hurt her. Now _he_ was the monster she was afraid of.

The violent beast from Exegol was right there, terrorizing this poor woman. 

Kylo sprung back from the door, hands to his mouth as tears rimmed his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, Dayn, I never meant—oh my stars.”

Timidly she crept around the perimeter of the room, heading for the doorway, and upon seeing that he wouldn’t stop her anymore, she dashed through.

That was it. If he didn’t scare her enough before, he sure did it now, and as her footsteps echoed into the distance, he knew it was over.

She left him.

And he deserved it.

Full and utter panic gripped him to the point he couldn’t breathe. He felt so cold and alone, just like when Rey had left him to rot on Exegol, the best thing that ever happened to him just gone, leaving him in hell.

And now Dayn was gone too.

No, he couldn’t handle this again, not this pain, not this kind of pain. She could have beaten him to a pulp and it would have been far more tolerable than this.

Because he didn’t know what to do with it. It was overwhelming and devastating. How could this be? She was the one! She was going to be his Rey! They were so perfect together, and she made him feel so good, and then just like that, she was gone. All her loving touches, her sweet words, her tender looks and soft hands. The way she made his heart flutter and he couldn’t stop thinking about her all day and night, how holding her in his arms was the epitome of perfection, and making love to her made him comprehend joy for the first time.

Gone.

Shaking, gasping for breath, he smacked at his comm to call Ben. He needed his lifeline. Only Ben could save him now. He waited for the contact to patch through. Waited. And waited.

Ben wasn’t answering.

Kylo tried again. Still no answer.

Ben _ALWAYS_ answered him. Whether Ben was asleep or in an experiment or the bathroom, he always answered.

Unless…

Dayn got to him first. Told Ben what happened. Sure, and then Ben would know Kylo was back to his old ways. Kylo Ren was back, frightening young women and holding them captive.

Desperate, he tried Mom. And waited. And waited.

No…

They both must have found out what he had done. His family had given him everything, all kinds of chances to start acting like a human being instead of a faulty experiment, a creature, a monster, and look what he had done!

They’d clearly had enough of him. And if they abandoned him, surely Rey and Dad and Uncle Chewy would too. They had no allegiance to him. It was Ben who dragged Kylo onto the Falcon that day. Rey was going to kill him. Dad didn’t want him, and Uncle Chewy probably felt the same. Therefore, if Ben didn’t want him, no one did.

They all had abandoned him.

He was alone.

Panic…his heart pounded.

Fear…it was over. All of it over.

Hurt…no one loved him. Everything good was always taken away.

Anger…everyone always took everything good away from him. Everyone caused him pain.

Rage…

It burned through his veins like the plasma of a thousand lightsabers. He growled into his fury as the landscape turned gray, all color draining into shades of black and white with an ominous red tone, edges blurry. Tunnel vision, and in the center of that tunnel, stark sharpness. The pure focus of the hunter.

Kylo grasped the hilt of his lightsaber, his old friend, his only friend, feeling perfect and good in his hands. He flicked the switch and felt the crackling hum, red being the only color he could see. The lightsaber sung with the intoxicating heat of battle, drawing him into its maelstrom. He needed to destroy everything around him. It was all he was designed for, all he had been driven toward.

He roared as fire ignited inside of him when his comm flashed, Ben’s face popping up. Kylo must have left it on auto-answer with video when he tapped at his comm in a frenzy.

“Hey buddy!”

Kylo stopped. Ben hadn’t abandoned him. Ben hadn’t taken his love away. The tunnel vision faded. Colors started returning.

“Sorry I couldn’t get to my comm fast enough, I was in the clean room in the suit and…Kylo, what’s wrong?”

Ben could see him. Ben could see his face. Ben could see his lightsaber ignited. Oh no…

“Kylo?” It was slow and gentle, concerned yet firm.

Kylo sucked in breath after breath. He turned off his lightsaber. If Ben hadn’t abandoned him before, surely he would now after he found out what Kylo had done.

“Kylo, please talk to me. Look at me, Ky.”

Kylo flitted his eyes over to his brother’s. He only saw gentleness, worry, and yes, still love, but it wouldn’t be there long once he knew what happened. “Ben…” His face crumpled. “I did a bad thing.”

He could see Ben’s shoulders rise and fall from his breaths increasing. “Okay Kylo, first, is anyone hurt?”

Kylo shook his head. “No. Just scared.”

“Did you use your lightsaber?”

“No…I just had it on. I got…when you didn’t answer…I…”

“Okay.” Ben’s relief was evident. “That’s good.”

“But I scared her.”

“Okay, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out. Where are you?”

Kylo looked around, trying to orient himself, remember where the hell he was. “Campus. Science campus. Study rooms.”

“Okay, stay right there, I’m going to come get you and we’ll talk about it.”

Kylo turned at the sound of storming footsteps. The entire team of security guards was coming for him. He hooked his lightsaber. “Ben…it’s too late.”

“ _Nothing_ is too late, what’s happening? Is that security?”

“Yeah…they told me I had to stay away from her. And I didn’t.”

“Whoa, wait, what—how did this happen? Kylo, what’s been going on—”

“Kylo Solo?” the lead guard said.

He swallowed. “Yeah.”

“We’ll be escorting you to the main office.”

Panic gripped him once again. He didn’t want to go anywhere with them. He wanted to run, or beat the fuck out of them all, he hadn’t yet decided.

“Ky,” Ben said, “just do as they ask, whatever they ask, understand? I am coming. I am heading to you now. Just keep me on projection so I can be with you, okay? For now, just go with them.”

Kylo nodded. “Okay.” He stepped forward down the long halls with security surrounding him. So many eyes watched it all go by, and the sting of humiliation made him clench his fists.

“Guards? This is Ben Organa Solo. My brother is under the care of therapist Dr. Lo. You should have an info sheet in his records. Please be gentle and kind with him, and he’ll be the same in return. He’s probably scared and may not fully understand what’s happening. Please get in touch with Dr. Lo or the Hanna City Mental Health Center and let them advise you. I will be there shortly and anything further you can discuss with me.”

The bastard guard from days prior answered. “I’m afraid it’s beyond simple discussion now. Kylo was warned to stay away from the young woman and disobeyed a direct security order.”

Kylo’s stomach boiled in tension and fury. If this was Exegol, they’d all be corpses by now. He wasn’t fully sure that was off the table.

Ben thankfully answered. “I get that. I’m asking _you_ to understand he may not fully grasp proper reactions in situations like this, and I am asking you to please be gentle and refrain from any further actions until I get there or you hear from Dr. Lo or the Center.” Ben was panting, and Kylo could hear the shuttering doors of a transport.

The bastard guard had the gall to open his mouth again as they entered the main office. “This is now a matter for the Hanna City Police Department.”

Kylo froze in place once he saw the officers waiting for him. Oh no. No no no no no. He couldn’t get in trouble. The Galactic Republic may have freed him from prosecution related to the Final Order, but it was clear he had to stay out of trouble or could wind up with serious consequences.

He couldn’t let them arrest him.

Ben’s reaction was loud and direct. “I told you he is under the care of Dr. Lo and you cannot have him taken anywhere without her authorization or that of the Center.”

“That is not for you to decide—”

“THAT IS THE LAW!”

“No, _they_ are the law.”

Muffled, he could hear Ben scream, “Fucking _assholes_.” Then clear again. “Ky, listen to me. Do exactly as you are told. Do not react. Please, I am begging you, just let them take you in if they’re taking you in.”

“I can’t get in trouble!” Kylo spat in a panic as the officers stepped toward him, wrist binders in their hands. No…absolutely not…he could _not_ handle that! It was one thing to be beaten by the Praetorian guards, quite another to be bound and beaten, unable to defend himself.

They were not binding him. They were not touching him!

“Kylo.” It was that firm Ben voice. “Just do as you’re told. I mean it. I will meet you at the police station. Let them do what they need to do. I am with you and you are not alone, understand? I’ll be there soon, I promise. Officers! This is Ben Organa Solo. Kylo is the son of Senator Leia Organa Solo and he is under the care of therapist Dr. Lo…”

Ben went on to explain a bunch of things, but Kylo lost connection with all of it. He felt hands on his wrists and gave in, just like he had to back on Exegol. As they brought his arms behind his back, the landscape turned black, onyx stone and endless rows of cultists chanting. University then temple. Police officers locked the binders onto his wrists, red clad guards did the same. Panic and defeat crippling him, his knees gave out.

Hands gripped his arms to catch his falling body, officers then guards. They pulled his lightsaber from his belt, leaving him defenseless. It didn’t matter that the binders weren’t the Force-blocking type. In his mind, that was the only type it could be.

Dragged through the halls of the university, eyes all over him. Dragged through the halls of the temple into the prison, cultists sneering.

Locked in a police transport, Ben’s voice on the outskirts calling for him, but it was fading. Exegol was the only reality, and he was waiting for the beating to begin.

~*~

“…he’s not answering any questions.”

“Well did you get in touch with Dr. Lo? I specifically said…”

“…not entirely sure he hears us…”

“…this is what I was explaining to you—oh thank the stars, Mom! Kylo is…”

“…Madame Senator, we just have…”

“…of course, but you have to understand about my son…”

“…I’ll pay whatever fines—is that Dr. Lo on the comm?”

“…of course we do, and I’m sure he understands that too now, but my son…”

“…oh thank the stars they’re here—yes, you’re damn right I brought a whole team of lawyers. I don’t pack lightly…”

“…and I’m sure you’re aware that by transporting and detaining my son who is under the care of a mental health professional without her authorization is in direct opposition to Chandrilian statute number…”

“…we’re prepared to file a motion against the Hanna City police department and Chandrila University right now, Madame Senator, unless of course…”

So many murmurings, so many voices. Kylo didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. The guards didn’t beat him, only left him bound in his cell. Oh no, this was far worse. He would rather they beat him. Who knows how many days they’ll leave him bound like this?!

He already wanted water, but no one would come to help him. Maybe he could squirm to the wall and suck off the moisture.

“Kylo? Buddy, it’s me, Ben.”

Kylo looked up at a blurry face. Was the room dark or light? Seemed like light. Was this still Exegol?

Ben rubbed his cheeks, smiling. “Buddy, come on, come back to me. It’s Ben, I’m here.”

Kylo blinked a few times, his vision finally clearing. That really was his brother. “Ben?” Arms wrapped around him instantly. Kylo inhaled and recognized his brother’s scent. His mind cleared, Exegol left behind once again.

Ben’s hand cupped below Kylo’s ear and brought their foreheads together. “We’ll get you out of here soon, okay? I promise.” Ben sat next to him on the bench.

“Mom’s here? She’s really here?”

“Yeah buddy, as soon as I heard they got the police involved, I patched through an emergency message.”

Kylo swallowed. “I don’t want to go to prison forever because of my past.”

“That’s what the lawyers are for. Just let them do what they do best. They’re getting paid enough to do it, believe me.”

“Mom’s going to hate me for this.”

“Hey, Mom is _never_ going to hate you, and neither will I. She won’t be mad at you either. We just…wish you had told us something was wrong before it ended up here. Buddy, what’s going on?”

Kylo’s eyes filled with tears, and maybe he just didn’t care anymore. He ruined his life in one day. What did tears matter? “She left me, Ben. Said I scared her. Said I was too much. My love was too much. She wouldn’t let me fix it, Ben. She wouldn’t let me fix it…” His soft sobs he buried in Ben’s chest.

Through his tears he told Ben what happened, and by that time, the police finally unlocked his wrists and let him go under strict orders to stay away from Dayn and avoid any further contact, by comm or in person. He was officially banned from university property but allowed to attend classes remotely. And his lightsaber was returned in a sealed bag with instructions not to open it until he was off station property.

Once all the official work was done, documents digitally signed and stamped, and the three were finally outside the building, Mom stopped a few steps above them.

“Kylo?”

He didn’t want to turn. He didn’t want to see her terribly disappointed face. Or perhaps she was angry. Ben did drag her off the senate floor for Kylo’s stupid actions. But Ben nudged him, and he had to force himself to turn, to look up at her.

Her arms were open.

Kylo’s face crumpled as he buried his tears into her chest. She held him in only the way Mom could, tiny arms that felt like a mountainous wall protecting him from the angry universe that wanted to hurt him, her hands stroking his hair and reminding him he was an adored child whom she would never abandon, no matter what stupid things he had done.

“I’m sorry, Mommy.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” She kissed his head. “Come, let’s get into Ben’s transport and you can tell me all about it.”

~*~

Kylo told her everything on the ride and finished on the couch, pillow on her lap while she stroked his hair. He wanted to forget about everything and just never leave this spot. No wonder Ben stayed holed up in a basement most of his life. Dealing with other people was just too hard.

He at least counted himself fortunate that his mother was a respected senator and his brother could afford that team of lawyers. If it had been just him, alone and with no one to help him, he would be rotting in a cell at best, emerging from a bloodbath at worst, assuming they didn’t just execute Force-sensitives. Kylo didn’t want to think about any of it.

“Honey,” Mom said, “we are here for you always, no matter what. Don’t ever feel you can’t come to us, any one of us.”

Kylo sniffled. “Everyone kept telling me I wasn’t ready, I was going too fast, too far. I didn’t want everyone to be right. I wanted to fix it before…anyone had to know…how bad I screwed up.”

“Sounds like a bit of pride got on your way, and maybe some fear too, huh?”

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut and let out a soft whimper. “It felt so good. I just wanted it. To keep it. So it wouldn’t leave me…” He curled his fists to his face. “…and that’s exactly what happened. I couldn’t fix it…”

“All the more reason to come to us, dear. You don’t have to navigate this space alone, and you shouldn’t, not when it’s so new to you. You _need_ us to help guide you. That’s why we’re here. Always come to us with even the slightest worry or doubt, okay?”

“But why wouldn’t she let me fix it? I said I was sorry. I said I’d fix it.”

“Oh honey, I know it hurts. That’s just life, my sweet brownie. Not everyone will be willing to let you fix things, and you can’t make them. We may not always like their choices and decisions, especially if it hurts, but we have to respect them. You can’t make others do something they don’t want to do.”

“Snoke and the others made me do what they wanted all the time. How come everyone gets to do that to me?”

“Not everyone, just some really bad people who didn’t know how to love someone as special as you. Do you remember how that made you feel? When they did that to you?”

“Yes.” He sniffled. “I hated it. I was scared, and I felt bad, felt like I didn’t matter.”

“You wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way they made you feel, right?”

“No! Of course not! I’d never want anyone to go through…” He sunk, tears spilling onto the pillow once more. “That’s what I did…oh stars…”

“You understand now, honey?”

He closed his eyes and nodded. “My past will never stop haunting me, will it? It will never stop hurting me, ruining everything.”

Mom brushed her hand over his forehead, into his hair, over and over, and it felt so good. “Your past had a big hand in shaping you, and you’ve been doing so well to overcome it, but it won’t be perfect, not now, not for a long time. Some lessons will be hard. Some will hurt. But we’re here to help you through them. Always.”

Kylo nodded. “I won’t hide my problems like that again. And I’ll listen. I’ll…I’ll try to listen. Everything just felt so strong, so _big_. I just loved her so much it hurt.”

“Ohhh honey.” Mom leaned down and kissed his forehead. “You have a very big heart, and you feel so deeply. That’s why we all have to protect that special heart of yours, help guide and keep you on the right path. All of us. Together, okay?”

Kylo nodded. So much could have been avoided if he had just relied on them, trusted in them, or at least hadn’t been ashamed or afraid of how they’d react. Maybe Dayn would have left him regardless. Maybe there was nothing anyone could have fixed. But he certainly wouldn’t have made it worse, so much worse.

When the rest of the family came in, Ben explained what happened, which was good. Kylo couldn’t imagine going through it yet again. He wanted to cut it out of his memory, make it disappear forever, because the pain was just too much.

Dad came in and Kylo shut his eyes, hiding himself in the pillow. Bad enough Mom had to see him in binders at a police station, what would Dad say? Probably realize taking him on the Falcon that day was a bad decision, once a monster always a monster.

He heard Dad sigh and plop into his favorite chair, a clunk on the table signaling the never-ending whiskey cup. “Hey kid, sorry about your girl. Many more where that came from.”

How could he say that?! “She was the one! The only one! I could never love anyone as much as I loved her!” Mom gave him a gentle and soothing, “Shhh” while brushing against his forehead. He nestled deeper into her embrace.

“Eh!” Han waved his hand. “We’ve all thought that about girls at some time, especially after sex.”

Leia sighed. “Han, really?”

Han leaned toward her. “Oh honey, you know how many ‘She’s the one’ girls I went through before I got to you?”

“No, and I don’t want to!”

Han sat back. “Kid, you ride, you fall, you get hurt, you climb back on. That’s the Solo way. You’ll be alright, kid, you’ll see.”

Kylo didn’t want to see. Maybe he would have been better off a thirty-year-old virgin like Ben. “I got arrested. Aren’t you pissed about that?”

Han shrugged. “Just more proof you’re a Solo. If you _didn’t_ get arrested at some point, then I’d be wondering about you.”

Ben threw his arms out. “Ex _cuse_ me, but _I’ve_ never been arrested. What are you trying to say?”

“I swear to the stars if you bring up that paternity test again—”

“You’re the one trying to say I’m not—”

“—didn’t say that at all, you’re just—”

“—like I didn’t do enough, and now you have to start—”

“—I didn’t even say anything! You’re the one going off—”

“It’s the implication.”

“Oh, the impli _cation_ —”

Leia groaned. “Would you two _stop_ already? We’re focused on Kylo’s needs right now.”

His whole family was focusing on him when it was his stupidity that caused all the problems. Ben having to rush to his rescue from the lab, Leia running off the senate floor, expensive lawyers, and now Kylo couldn’t go back to Ben’s alma mater, the prestigious school he fought so hard to get Kylo into despite the severe lack of education required. Nevertheless, despite all the trouble he caused, they still rallied around him.

What did he ever do to deserve this kindness?

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and closed his eyes. “I never meant to be such a problem.”

“Oh honey,” Leia said, rubbing his arm, “you’re not a problem. We all know you’re still healing and learning and growing.”

“I dragged you from work, right in the middle of something important, I bet, more important than me.”

“Ohhh Kylo.” She nudged his face so he would look up at her. “ _You_ are important to me, all you kids are.” That made him smile. “I’ll be back to give them hell tomorrow, they know that. You needed me today. Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time I ran off the senate floor. Once a bat got in the house and Ben was just not having it.”

Han snorted. “Kid went catatonic.”

Ben scoffed. “I did not!”

“Your eyes bugged out of your head and you didn’t respond to anything for an entire twenty-four hours!”

“That doesn’t mean I was catatonic!”

“I called your mother to the hospital! _That’s_ why she ran off the senate floor!”

“You are so full of crap!”

Han leaned toward Kylo. “See, he thinks I’m lying. He actually doesn’t remember because he came to the next day asking what happened—”

“I was NOT cataTONIC!” Ben wrapped his arms around himself. “I just needed a break…at the hospital…until the bat and any trace of it were gone…”

Mom rubbed Kylo’s arm. “So see? Sometimes you kids are going to need me, and when you do, I’ll be there. You just have to keep in mind that we need _time_ to respond to you, it doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned you.”

Kylo sighed. “I know. I _know_. I should have known better, should have just waited. It’s just so hard sometimes…when everything gets bad…to believe…there’s still people that will be there for me.”

“Awww, I know it’s so hard for you to trust sometimes. You’ve had a really rough start, and it’s going to take time to learn how to navigate in this world. And you’re already doing so well, much better than I think any of us could have imagined.”

“Not to mention,” Ben said, sitting on the floor in front of him, “you went through all that and didn’t attack anyone. You did exactly what I said, even though I know you were scared and ready to fight. You controlled yourself so well. If that doesn’t show you how much you’ve grown since being here, I don’t know what does.”

“Doubt I would have been so controlled.” It was Rey, standing in the doorway to the living room. And honestly, she was the last person he wanted to see. She shrugged. “I probably would have shot some shit, stolen their weapons, kicked their asses, and be hiding right now from the warrant for my arrest.” She narrowed one eye in thought. “I think I still have a few open ones in some of the star systems.”

Ben’s mouth crumpled into a concerned squiggle. “Have the feeling I need to call my lawyers again, just in case.”

Kylo sighed as he looked at her. He couldn’t read her face. She always hid her feelings well. What he couldn’t hide was his own. “You must be happy now,” he bit out, equal parts anger and misery, “knowing you were right about me.”

Her eyes darkened, and he waited for the sense of the familiar in this storm of confusion. “I am not happy about any of this, you little shit, and I didn’t want to be right.”

A fight with Rey would get his blood pumping, fire going, make him feel alive again. And just as he felt the spark, it died. No amount of fighting would heal his heart or erase the humiliation or fear or incessant guilt. He just sunk into the pillow and stared off into nothing. “But you were. I should have listened. Maybe some of us are just meant to be alone.”

“Hey,” Ben said, tipping his head toward Kylo, “I resolved to thinking that about myself, too, at one time. I know it feels that way now, but that doesn’t make it true.” He patted Kylo’s arm. “Listen, I set up an appointment with Dr. Lo first thing tomorrow morning, okay? I think you need it as soon as possible. This was a hard day, I guess it’s been a few hard days, and I know you could really use it.”

Kylo sighed and closed his eyes. He said okay, but he didn’t really mean it. How was he going to tell Dr. Lo what he had done? And how was he supposed to face life now without his one true love?

Why did his Rey always have to leave him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Ky :( Being ghosted must have been devastating, especially when he doesn't understand a lot of what's going on (it's one of my pet peeves, I once did a beta read exchange for original work, read an entire novel, critiqued it as gently and supportively as possible, as well as fixing spelling and grammatical errors, and never heard from the other person again who was supposed to do mine.) 
> 
> In a dash of irony, it was Adam's character in Girls who ghosted a woman he was dating, and when confronted said something to the effect of "I can't deal with conflict." The concept of getting scared off when someone talks about marriage too soon was based on a real life story of someone I know. 
> 
> I hate that Dayn broke his heart, but I imagine she had her own set of traumas in past relationships that put her on perpetual defensive mode, and all she knew to do was run as fast as she could. 
> 
> And poor Kylo, resorting to complete mistrust when he couldn't get in touch with anyone right away. It's awful what your brain can tell you sometimes in the midst of overwhelming emotions.
> 
> So did Ben actually go catatonic or was he just "resting" like he said? And how many warrants do you think Rey has out on her in the galaxy??
> 
> Well, our bby boi's pain isn't over just yet. He will still have to face the root of the problem, the trauma that got unearthed when Dayn left him, for someone else left him at one time with barely a word or explanation, and it's been simmering ever since...
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	14. Remnants of a Broken Dyad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"You took my broken soul and showed it that love and kindness existed. You actually made me feel like a real human being for the first time in my life.”_
> 
> Kylo must confront the most painful memory of his past in order to move on.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both Rey and Kylo are NOT going to be in their best form here, especially during Kylo's memory. Our poor boy is going to go through some rough stuff, facing some of the pain of his past, so get your hugging arms ready, dust them off, polish them up, and hold them out wide!
> 
> CW for mild self-harm, relationship violence (between two warriors), manhandling 
> 
> PS I'm stupid tired and can't do the final readthrough so forgive any errors because I derp derp *snore*

Kylo dug his fingertips into his arm, hating to have to tell his therapist what happened. He was so deeply ashamed of himself. She probably wouldn’t want to even help him anymore after she found out.

“Kylo?” Dr. Lo said. He glanced at her but didn’t speak, just returned his eyes to the floor. “I know sometimes it’s hard for you to get started, but it seems a little harder today. Would you like to tell me about it?”

He dug his fingertips deeper. “I’m afraid.”

“Okay. Let’s explore that. But first, here.”

Kylo looked at the oddly shaped ball she had handed him. “What do I do with this?”

“Why don’t you try squeezing this instead of your arm. You have a lot of energy to work off, but we’re trying to work past you hurting yourself, right?”

Kylo nodded and took it. “Yeah.” He dug his fingers into the ball. It was firm but had give, his fingertips pressing deep into it. Satisfying. He squeezed in as if to destroy it, but it just changed shape. He couldn’t break it. Good. He needed something he couldn’t break.

The therapist sat again. “Tell me why you’re afraid to talk today.”

Kylo squeezed a few more times in silence. He really could not break that ball. Not everything would be destroyed by his hands. That was good. He finally relented and told her what happened. “I didn’t ever want to scare her. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But the pain was just too much. It took over everything. I was screaming inside, and I just couldn’t have her leave me again. I didn’t want to be alone again.” He pulled and dug at the ball that still would not break despite his strength and inherent violence. How did it stand up to his abuse? He turned it over and saw the company name raised just slightly from the surface: SOLO-Relax. Ah. That explained a lot.

The therapist remained silent. Surely she thought he was a monster now. She tilted her head. “You said again, that you couldn’t have her leave again. Did she try to leave you before?”

Kylo frowned. “I said again? Oh…no. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Let’s go back a bit and start where things were working out well.”

Kylo pressed his palm to his forehead as he thought about it. His head was hurting already. “Everything was fine, great. We were dating, always with Ben and Rey so they could make sure I was doing the right thing, and Dayn was starting to get sick of it, feeling like we didn’t have any alone time. We decided to break from the rules and go to her apartment after school. It was my first time…being with a woman, sex, you know? And it was incredible, only during it, my Force powers started getting stirred up. I was held back from learning that passion could also be used to drive the Dark energy of the Force. I didn’t hurt her, but my eyes were changing, we were floating at one point, even felt sparks across my fingertips. I’d never been so strong with my powers before.”

“What did that feel like?”

Kylo thought a moment. “Exhilarating.”

“What an excellent choice of words to describe your feelings. Go on.”

“There was so much I never felt or understood before, and it was happening right then alongside the greatest pleasure I’d ever had.” He sighed and almost smiled. “It was magic. I’d never been happier. And once we were done, I knew I loved her so much, and I needed to be with her, and I couldn’t be without her. It was like a switch. Suddenly I was feeling so good and I knew I could never be without that feeling again. It would hurt too much, so much it would drive me insane.”

He continued to tell her what had happened, admitted he lied when he said he canceled the appointment because he was sick, admitted he avoided his family so he wouldn’t have to tell them, all the mistakes he made as the pain got worse and worse.

Telling her about confronting Dayn was the hardest. Dr. Lo had to keep prompting him to continue, and he refused to look at her even once, keeping his focus on the stress ball he was trying to mutilate. “And that’s when I knew I had gone too far. I just wanted her to stay. I couldn’t let her break my heart again, not when she was the best thing I’ve had in such a long time. And no warning, no real reason, not even a chance to fix it or change. Just done. Just like that, she was done with me. I didn’t mean to scare her, I didn’t! I was just in so much pain and I just needed to…KEEP her, not let her go like last time.

“But when I saw she was so scared, and I realized I did that to her…” He shook his head. “I knew I was the monster again, the one thing I’ve been trying so hard not to be. And I let her go, even though it was the hardest thing, knowing how much it hurt the last time. And then when Ben and Mom weren’t answering…” He clenched the stress ball. “I knew better! I should have known better. It just…it hit me like the last time, and it was like everyone who ever loved me or cared for me would always one day abandon me to my hell and I just got so ANGRY! I wanted to just TEAR EVERYTHING APART.”

Dr. Lo was silent for a bit, observing him. She did that sometimes. “What do you feel you could have done better that would have kept things from escalating?”

Kylo shook his head. “I don’t know. That was just it. These things were happening, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I…” He sighed, hanging his head. “I should have asked for help. I was just so embarrassed. Rey, she…made such a big deal about me not being ready and I didn’t want her to be right. I just wanted a normal life! I just wanted to… _live_ like other people, just for once have my past not matter, be beyond it, better than it.” He shook his head and sniffled. “And all it did was come back with a vengeance.”

He sucked in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “I guess I could have done that. Tried breathing, especially when it got intense. I just forgot. When it all got so intense, I just forgot everything but what I’ve known all my life. But most of all, I should have…not been so scared of being humiliated and asked for help.” He shook his head again. “Everything I tried to avoid happened anyway.” He swallowed. “I won’t make that mistake again. I know now that I have to rely on the people around me to help me. I can’t do it on my own. Not yet. I still have a lot to learn.”

“That’s so very observant and insightful of you. Sometimes it’s hard to see where we’ve made our mistakes or to admit we need help, and you’ve done both. I’m deeply proud of you once again.”

He tried to smile but couldn’t. “Wish I could be proud of myself.”

“I think you should be.”

Kylo gave her a vague stare of exasperation. “After what I just did? Scaring Dayn, not respecting her requests, getting arrested, getting kicked off campus? How can I be proud of that?”

“All very powerful lessons on the consequences of our choices and actions. But what about the choices you made that you did well?”

“Like what?”

“You wanted to go on a rampage, but you didn’t.”

“Only because Ben stopped me.”

“And who could stop you by words alone back when you were still Kylo Ren?” To that he had no answer. “Ben told you to go along with the security and police, and you did. He told you not to resist, and you didn’t. Even when it scared you to be touched or bound, even when you could have broken out any time, you chose not to. You had all the power in that situation, but you knew the consequences if you exercised it. Instead, you chose the right thing.”

“And still lost.”

“But how much would you have lost if you gave in to your initial reaction?”

Kylo licked his lips. That would have been bad. Forget getting kicked off campus. The police, the military, they’d all be after him constantly. The Galactic Senate would vote to condemn him, and he’d either have to stay in prison, fight, or run and hide, possibly for life. Everything he gained with Ben would be gone. Sure, his family would probably still love him, still take care of him, visit him in prison or find somewhere he could hide in the outer rim, maybe even stay with him. They would give up their good lives just to be with him, and the guilt would be endless.

Maybe he did make some good choices after all. “I would have lost everything that means something to me.”

“So what do you think? Can you be proud of what you did manage to accomplish and accept that the other consequences are a lesson well learned?”

He gave the slightest nod. “Maybe.” He began to feel a little better.

“Then that’s a great start.” Dr. Lo was silent again, contemplating. “You spoke a lot about ‘the last time’ and using the word ‘again’ often. Was your heart broken in a similar fashion before?”

Kylo dug his fingers into the stress ball until it hurt. So much for starting to feel better. “Yes.”

“Would you feel comfortable sharing it?”

Kylo closed his eyes. “I hate going back there.”

“We can try piece by piece. If it gets too intense, we can stop any time. Would you like to try?”

He didn’t, but the story came out of its own accord.

Exegol. Kylo stood at the top of the temple, the spot he usually escaped to with Rey to have their private time together. Now it was just him. Ever since the failed attempt to revive Palpatine, Rey had been distant, on and off planet, going who knew where with her pirate crew.

While he stayed staring at the same landscape that never changed, day in, day out. Dark, stormy, dry and electric with a heavy stench of oil. Only inside the temple did the scent change, especially in the basement where it was dank and musty, or near the kitchens where heavenly scents arose that he could not partake in because he wasn’t human. Nor did he try hard enough to be one, apparently.

But she would be arriving soon, she said. Two months he waited this time, two months of hugging himself, kissing his hand, whispering words to the wall he couldn’t even bring himself to say to Rey in person.

Soon she would be here and he could feel alive again, like life was worth living as long as he got to be with her. He couldn’t wait to throw his arms around her, feel her soft body against his and sink his nose into her wild waves of hair, inhale her sweet scent. He would take his gloves off and touch her delicate cheek with the backs of his fingers and delight in the incredible sensation. Then he would kiss her and feel Exegol melt away.

He was always happiest when Rey was around.

But ever since that dyad failure, she had been around far less, and he was besotted by terrible pangs of loneliness, aching for her, aching for connection and to feel human again. Rey soothed his pain, his heartache, and the terrible coldness of being a subhuman creature in a world full of people who would always treat him as beneath them.

Now she was back, and maybe they would try again, and he could cement his place beside her. He would try really hard this time, work himself to the cusp of death if he had to, because they had created him for that one purpose, and when she needed him most, he failed her. Never again. He would show her how human he could be, and how he could be her one true dyad.

The Rock Hound ship popped in high above the atmosphere and coursed down to the surface. Kylo leapt down from level to level, softening his landings with the Force, until he finally stomped onto the metal plate surface of Exegol’s ground.

He ran with everything in him toward the ramp of the ship and stopped with a smile warm on his face. It kind of hurt after a short time because he almost never smiled, but he didn’t care because he was _so_ happy to see her.

Rey stomped down the ramp, more cold and distant than usual, but he didn’t care. No matter her mood, she was always perfectly beautiful to him, and his heart was already soaring just looking at her.

“Rey!” He couldn’t contain his excitement. He reached for her, but she thrust her hand up, stopping him. She didn’t even look at him.

Once off the ramp, she turned and looked at the crew back in the ship. With a deep breath, chin up, she thrust her fist up and cried, “AH GAHHH!” Her crew responded in kind and the ramp rose. The ship fired up and then it was gone just as quickly as it came.

Kylo sucked in a wad of air as excitement flooded his thin frame. “Are you staying? Are you here for good?”

She still didn’t look at him. “No.” She turned and stormed toward the temple.

Kylo followed close behind. “Then can I go with you next time you leave? I can help you, you know how strong I am.” She said nothing. “Can you just stop a minute? Can I hold your hand? Can I have a kiss—”

“BACK OFF!” The venom in her eyes gave him pause.

He stopped and watched as she walked toward the inner sanctum. The guards let her pass, and then he charged after her, only to find his path blocked. Glaring, he growled, “Let me pass or I will kill you with my bare fucking hands!”

The doors slammed shut and the heavy lock was thrown across the door. Didn’t matter. Kylo could rip it off with just a shove of the Force.

“Do yourself a favor,” Gorbet said. “Save your energy.”

He was tempted to tear them apart just for the thrill of it, but they had a point. He’d want to save his energy for Rey after she was done with the Master.

Kylo couldn’t wait to hold and kiss her, to nip at her warm, soft neck at her pulse point that screamed with her vital energy. Maybe they could try that sex thing she told him about months back.

Yes, he would reserve his energy. He would wait for Rey.

And wait.

Hours passed. He roamed the halls, anything to keep his mind busy. The more he thought about her, the more that aching need clawed at him, making him want to do things to himself that were disgusting because he was an inhuman subcreature that had everything wrong with him. No, he had to resist that, but damn if it didn’t kick right up the moment she arrived.

It was the way she walked, the sway of her hips, the bounce of her hair, her sweet scent that filled the air with an intoxicating cocktail that made him _ache_ for her.

He couldn’t wait to finally be alone with her, but she was still busy with the Master.

Or so he thought.

Passing by a window, his eyes always keen to sense things out of place, he saw a ship with a figure that moved just like her. What was that all about? He darted through the halls, shoving everyone out of his way with the Force and charged toward her.

Rey nodded toward a man while a droid hobbled up the ramp onto the ship. Just as she set foot on it, he screamed for her.

“REY! REYYYYY!”

A huff and a sigh before she turned, just as cold and distant as before. His feet thundered against the metal ground until he stood before her, panting. “Rey, are you leaving again?”

She closed her eyes and sighed once more. “Yes.”

“When are you coming back?”

She licked her lips, then stared into his eyes with pure determination. “I’m not. Not until I have my true dyad with me.”

He didn’t like the sound of that. Did that mean she was going to kiss and hug and touch this Ben Solo, too? No, that better not happen. “I want to go with you.”

“No. Our time is done.”

Kylo’s stomach disappeared into a cold, hollow chasm. “What do you mean, done?”

“It didn’t work, Kylo. The dyad, the bond, it’s not happening. And we’re dead without my real dyad, so I’m going to get him, and you need to stay out of our way.”

No. No no no no no. “Stay out of your way? Rey, what about us? What about you and me together? Rey, I NEED you! I can’t live without you!”

“And I can’t be with you, so you better find a way.” She tried to turn, but he grasped her arm.

“But I love you!” She looked down at his hand and up at him as if to say he better move it and fast, but she needed to hear him. “Rey, I love you. And I need you. You’re my only happiness. You’re the only thing in the universe that matters to me!”

She leaned in toward him. “You don’t know what love is.” She shoved off his hand.

“Yes I do! It’s when you need someone and you can’t ever be without them or you die inside!”

“That’s not love! That’s obsession! And I don’t have time for it.” She turned and started up the ramp.

Just what was she trying to say? He didn’t know what love was? That’s all he had for her! Was it because he was subhuman? Did that mean he wasn’t supposed to know what love was? He would die for her a thousand times, cut off his own limbs for her, he’d give her EVERYTHING, and she thought he didn’t know what love was?

“Rey, don’t you love me?” She stopped, and he waited for her to turn around, to give him that soft look that made his heart skip, to run and jump into his arms and say ‘Yes, of course I do, I’ll love you forever just like you love me.’

Instead, she said, “Love is a lie,” and continued up the ramp.

What? What the hell did that mean? “It’s not a lie! I love you! And you love me! GET BACK HERE!” He was not going to let her walk out of his life, leave him behind in hell to suffer every single day without the hope of her sweet balm to look forward to. Kylo ran up, grabbed her by the waist, and hauled her back down. He just touched ground when she elbowed him in the mouth and swung her heel right into his groin. He dropped her with a cough as sharp agony spread across his mouth and crotch, and he fell to his knees, not knowing whether to hold his bleeding mouth or shattered nuts.

Rey kicked him in the stomach for good measure and pointed. “Don’t you EVER, EVER fucking grab me like that again!” She spun and charged up once more.

He transformed his pain into the power he needed to recover fast. She was not going to abandon him on this mechanical rock from hell. She had been his savior and now, without reason, was just turning her back on him. No. He wasn’t letting that happen.

Ignoring the agony between his legs, he raced up again, grabbed her this time around her arms, and shifted his thighs to protect his groin. “You are not leaving! You are not leaving me! I won’t let you go, you hear me? You are not going to leave me on this—”

His body spasmed in excruciating pain, his arms going numb, letting her wriggle out of his grasp. Only Snoke and Palpatine could strike him with Force-lightning—and now Rey?!

A blast of Force flung him through the sky to land him hard across the field. As he lay gasping from the humming agony in his body combined with a few possible fractures from the fall, he heard her scream, “TOUCH ME AGAIN AND YOU’RE DEAD!”

Kylo forced himself to his knees. It couldn’t end this way. She didn’t even tell him _why_! How could she just turn and leave him forever without even a damn reason? Did he do something wrong? Did he say something wrong? Hurt her? WHAT?!

No, there was only one lesson he had learned in his life above all others: if you want something, you had better fight with every inch of yourself to get it or you weren’t worthy of it in the first place, whether that was food, respect, or an ounce of dignity.

Channeling the pain, as he was so well trained to do, he thrust himself through the air with the Force and landed behind her once more. This time she swung out with her yellow lightsaber, ignoring all pretense. Kylo whipped his out to block her strikes, and right away he knew this was more than their training sessions. She was out to hurt him.

Rey fought with vicious fury, so fast and agile, Kylo barely able to keep up while trying to block and parry. Perhaps it would be more evenly matched if he was trying to kill her as much as she was him, but he couldn’t. He loved her, really loved her, despite her thinking he didn’t know what it was.

But with every strike, with the bloodlust in her glowing yellow-orange eyes, he finally saw the truth—she didn’t love him anymore.

That pain was worse than all the damage she inflicted so far, including a gash to his thigh and one on his arm. She was everything to him. She was all that was right in a universe that caused him nothing but endless agony. She showed him true happiness, comfort, caring, and real love, and now? She just took it away.

“WHYYYY?!” he screamed, trying not to cry. “WHAT DID I DO? TELL ME WHAT I DID!”

She didn’t answer, only continued to slam at him until she backed him in a corner. A few good bashes and his lightsaber fell out of his hands, skidding across the ground. She pushed her weapon to his throat, its heat already singeing his skin.

Rey leaned in close, eyes so vicious and cold, teeth bared. “I am dead inside!” she growled. “There is no such thing as love! What you think is love is just some instinctual physical reaction to wanting to mate, nothing else! Once your little hormonal cocktail wears off, you’ll forget about me just like everyone else! Now I’m going to warn you one last time. Stay away from me, stay out of my head, and never let me see you again or THIS goes right in your throat!” She deactivated her saber, turned, and walked away.

Kylo just sat there, gasping for breath as she stormed away. She was leaving. She was really leaving him for good. She wasn’t even going to say goodbye. She _wasn’t_ saying goodbye. No last kiss, last hug, last touch. Nothing. Just leaving him barren and in insufferable pain.

No more sitting holding hands on top of the temple. No more soft lips and sweet kisses. No lasting hugs, healing him in his pain, teaching him how to be a real human, laughing and smiling, showing him things he’d never experienced before like music and TV shows, no holding each other with his nose buried in her hair, feeling like the softest, safest place in the universe.

All of it. Gone. In one instant, with no warning, just gone.

Kylo screamed out with all the pain in his heart and soul, and just when he ran out of breath, he inhaled and screamed again, over and over as he watched her board the ship, as he watched the ramp rise, as he watched the propulsion units grow bright blue, as he watched the love of his life leave him behind in hell.

“Kylo?”

He snapped back and gasped for breath amidst mournful keening while he dug all of his fingernails into the stress ball.

Dr. Lo smiled. “That was intense. So very brave of you to share that with me. I’m very proud of you.”

Kylo nodded. Dr. Lo’s praise always lifted his spirits, but he just felt so raw and on edge.

“This was a very traumatic experience for you, compounded on so many. Only this time it was a little different, wasn’t it? This was the first good thing you’d ever experienced and then it was gone, with no warning or reason. That’s left a lasting impact on you.”

He nodded again, and when he spoke, his voice was so strained. “I…I know Ben loves me, and Mom. Dad and Uncle Chewy of course too, but Ben and Mom, they’re very special to me. They know how to comfort and soothe me, they know how to love me in the way I need it the most. I know they love me and I trust them, but…”

“You’re afraid one day they’ll leave you too, with no warning or reason.”

Kylo nodded, his mouth quivering. “That’s why I got so angry and pulled out my lightsaber. I thought they abandoned me. I want to trust so bad that they won’t, that they’ll always be there for me, that they won’t lie to me and change their minds, but no matter how hard I try, I’m always afraid it’s going to happen again. And if I lose them…” He sucked in a breath and screeched at just the mere thought of how much it would hurt. “That’s why I wanted to destroy everything, because it’s the only way I knew to deal with that kind of pain. That’s what I did after she left. Just rampaged and killed whoever I came across, destroyed everything I saw, and only when I faced Palpatine and the Praetorian guard did they finally take me down.” He swallowed but reveled in what he was about to say. “I would have killed them all in that building, on that planet, and destroyed it all if they hadn’t stopped me.”

“That’s some truly deep and understandable anger. And in a place like Exegol, I suppose it was an expected course of action. Do you think there might be other ways to deal with that pain? Especially in a place like Chandrila where there are many innocent lives and people who have never hurt you?”

Kylo sighed and hung his head. She was right. This wasn’t Exegol anymore, run by people who cared nothing for others. There were so many on Chandrila who had never even spoken to him, let alone hurt him. It wouldn’t be fair to make them pay for his pain. “Yeah. But I don’t know what. I want to learn though. I want to be better than Exegol.”

Dr. Lo smiled. “Okay. We will work on that. Tell me, have you ever confronted Rey about the breakup? Now that the two of you live in the same house and she’s dating your brother?” Kylo shook his head. “Why not?”

He shrugged. “What’s the point? It won’t change anything. Can’t change what happened, she’ll never love me that way again, and she’s with Ben, so why bother stirring up all that pain?”

“It seems that pain is being stirred up anyway, but because you never full processed and confronted it, it acts out in other unhealthy ways. Would you like to clear the air with her? Settle the matter once and for all? Do you think that would help you heal?”

To stop thinking of Rey as the woman who broke his heart? To stop hurting every time he saw her kiss Ben or lie in his arms or smile at him in that way she only smiled at Kylo long ago? “Maybe. But I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”

“I’ll be here with you, help you through it. She came with your brother today, would you like me to ask her to come in?”

Kylo inhaled and swallowed. When an eternity had passed, he gave Dr. Lo a single nod.

~*~

Rey sat with her arms crossed and a glare toward Dr. Lo.

“Just to reiterate,” Dr. Lo said, “this isn’t about picking sides or pointing out villains and victims. It’s not about fault or blame. It’s solely about healing. We want to help Kylo process a painful moment in his life so he can step forward and make better choices in the future. Can we all agree on that?”

Rey sucked in a breath. “Yeah.” Kylo just nodded, unable to look at her.

“Excellent! Kylo, would you like to tell Rey why we’ve asked her to join us?”

He tried. He kept trying to try. But he couldn’t. All he could do was squish and mash that stress ball.

“Why is it hard to talk to Rey about how you feel?”

“Because it doesn’t matter. Bringing it up won’t change the past. It’s meaningless.” And despite the fights he picked, or that it was her actions that really hurt him, he still didn’t want to hurt or upset her.

“Would it be meaningful if the situation no longer hurt? Or at least didn’t hurt as much?”

Kylo sighed. “It would mean everything if it stopped hurting. If I stopped hurting.”

“Okay. So why don’t we take this first step toward that goal? Kylo, would it help if I start the conversation?” Upon his nod, Dr. Lo continued. “Kylo’s recent breakup and his subsequent reactions have brought up a painful period in his past that includes you, and he would like to speak to you regarding his feelings on it.”

Rey sighed. “Oh fuck, here it comes.”

“Do you know which incident he’s talking about?”

“You mean when I left Exegol for good? Yeah, I get it.” She sighed again and braced her forehead on her fingertips. “Ky, I…it was three going on four years ago. I was a different person then, a messed up teen who had already given up on life with Palpatine in my head every fucking second. I’m sorry if I hurt you—”

His reaction was immediate. “Oh _now_ you’re sorry?!”

She stuck her finger out and clenched her teeth. “If you’re going to turn this into a war—”

“Let’s pause,” Dr. Lo said. “Just to understand, is your relationship commonly confrontational, or are your emotions running higher than usual?”

Rey waved it off. “This is normal between us.”

Kylo shrugged. “We’re always arguing. Just the way we are. A lot alike. Two warriors.”

Dr. Lo nodded. “Okay, good to know. Kylo, I’d like you to try to tell Rey how the incident made you feel, no blaming. Do you remember ‘I’ statements? See if you can give it a try.”

Kylo exhaled until there was nothing left in his lungs and sucked in a slow followup breath. “I…felt…very hurt…when you left.”

“That’s a great start.”

Rey sighed. “And I said I was sorry. Kylo, what do you want me to do? I can’t change the past.”

Dr. Lo smiled. “Let’s give Kylo a chance to go through the rest of his feelings on it.”

Kylo had no idea what the point of this was, but she wanted him to learn and grow, so he had to try it. “I felt…” He swallowed as those very real feelings made themselves known just as strong and overwhelming as they had back then. “…lost, alone. Rey, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You took my broken soul and showed it that love and kindness existed. You actually made me feel like a real human being for the first time in my life.” Now he could finally look at her, but she had a hard time looking at him. “When you touched me? I never knew the touch of another person could feel good. Your hugs? That was the most incredible thing I had ever experienced. When you held my hand that first time, when I felt connected to another human being for the first time ever, you don’t know the happiness I felt. It was so overwhelming, all of it, because I’d never felt anything but misery before.

“And I loved you, Rey. I know you said I didn’t know how to love, that all I was feeling was obsession, but I knew what love was, and I knew I loved you. How could I not? You gave me everything. Everything Rey. I could have had riches and star systems under my command, and it would have been nothing compared to that love and affection you gave me. Maybe it’s hard to imagine what it’s like if you haven’t lived the way I did, but just a simple thing like holding my hand was the most magnificent time in my life.”

His eyes filled with tears. “And then you were gone. I waited all that time to see you again, just to find out you were leaving me forever.” He sniffled. “For no…FUCKING REASON!” He clasped his hand over his face as it all flooded back at once.

Rey sighed. “Kylo, I was messed up back then. And I am sorry! I had nearly died after trying so hard with that dyad thing, and my own fucking grandfather couldn’t give two shits about my life, only what I could give him. He bombarded me day and night to the point I wasn’t sure what my own thoughts were anymore. I just watched half my crew get slaughtered in a raid gone bad, and Palpatine fucking with my head probably had something to do with it, the whole damn galaxy was crashing in on me, I was at the edge of life and death and so…fucking depressed—damnit Kylo, I didn’t mean to take it out on you, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. And I did. I get that. And my…stupid pirate pride wouldn’t let me just be the bigger person and apologize—fuck Kylo, if I knew it was still weighing on you like this? That it was causing you to lose your shit like you did, I would have said sorry earlier, alright? I’m sorry. And I mean it. But I can’t change it. Nothing can.” She looked around. “Just don’t fucking get why I’m here. I could have just said sorry at home.”

Kylo clenched his eyes shut as a blast of agonizing fury ripped through him. “Sorry doesn’t fucking fix it!”

“Kylo,” Dr. Lo said, “let’s pause so we can return to how you felt, your ‘I’ statements.”

But Kylo didn’t want to pause. If it was all going to come out, then it needed to all come out exactly as he felt it. “Do you have any idea what it feels like, Rey? To have your soul ripped out of you? To have absolutely nothing left but the memory and the pain that went along with it? You left me, and I couldn’t take the pain! Nothing would make it go away! I couldn’t beat it out of myself. No matter how hard I fought or trained, it just wouldn’t leave, and it hurt so fucking much!”

Kylo could still feel it, exactly as it felt that day. The raw, tearing, jagged cut deep into his heart and soul, his body aching, scre _aming_ for her in a way he couldn’t understand. Her ship left the atmosphere, and that was it, she was gone and never coming back. He would never feel that touch, that softness that warmed his soul, that felt so GOOD, so incredibly GOOD that he craved it with every piece of himself. Her hand, her hug, the soft lips upon his. There was such good and happiness with her, and then…

She was gone.

And the loss, the pain, the agony chewed him to pieces, and he didn’t understand any of it. _What do I do?_ he had begged his master in a bid of complete desperation. _I’m being torn apart! I want to be free of this pain!_ He knew better than to beg for help, but it was all so overwhelming, all-consuming, and he didn’t know how to shut it off like he could physical pain or hunger. _Help me…_

**My boy, you’ve gotten exactly what you deserve for indulging yourself in your weaknesses. You indulge yourself in pleasure, then cry when it’s taken away. Weak, pathetic fool, how dare you ask me for help? You, who are a failure in every way. You who was created to be the second half of a dyad and failed that too. You are a worthless waste of flesh and resources. No wonder she left you.**

And just when he thought the pain couldn’t get any worse, it had tripled, ripping him apart, leaving him screaming until his throat grew raw, but he couldn’t cry! No, he was not allowed to cry, to show weakness, even in this immense pain that would not and could not stop.

Even now, in the therapist’s office, he screamed as if the moment was happening, doubled over with his fists to his chest, shaking and bleeding raw as a pain that made no sense and had no balm and would never leave him ripped out of him once more.

Dr. Lo was trying to reach him, and he could hear Rey calling his name, still apologizing, but even if she was in the same room with him, she was already gone, left him behind, left him in this horrible pain because she gave him a beautiful gift no one had ever given him before and then took it away.

And just like that he was back on Exegol, still burning, still in agony. Pain, so much pain. He had to transform it, like a proper Sith warrior. Transform it into anger. Show his power. Show his fury. Make others feel the pain so he wouldn’t have to.

The night she left, he had stormed down the cold dark halls and clicked on his lightsaber, sparking red lighting the ominous space. He tore into anyone that came into view, not caring who they were, what they did, or how important they were. He would kill them all until the pain would stop.

They ran, but sometimes not fast enough, and he would catch them. Meaningless, all of them. No one had ever come to him. No one had ever given him what Rey had given him. They treated him like he was nothing, and now he would return the favor.

He was screaming in a mix of rage and pain, and realized he was back in the therapist’s office. He could vaguely hear Dr. Lo gently calling his name and counting, trying to draw him back to the present, just like they practiced. Sure, he was present again, but so was the pain.

“Kylo please!” Rey cried, and he realized she was holding him in place on the couch for everyone’s safety, including his own. “Snap out of it!”

But he couldn’t. And she couldn’t help him. No one could help him because he was all alone and would forever be alone. No one would touch him or love him or show him kindness…

No. That wasn’t right.

But Rey couldn’t help him through this. She was the one that had left the open wound. He didn’t hate her, no, he understood, really, at the end of it all. He understood, but yet he couldn’t put his balm and his trust in the one at the center of it all.

But he wasn’t alone. And he was loved. And he needed, desperately needed to feel it, to know it was true, because it was all too much, all of it just too much.

“BEEEEEEEN!” Kylo screamed. Over and over he screamed for his brother, the one whose light never left him, would never leave him, and had healed so much already. “BEEEEEN!”

The door thrust open, and Ben charged in, a vision of solace in blue, already mending the fire in Kylo’s veins. The therapist jumped up in surprise and Ben whipped his head toward her. “I’m so sorry! I’ll pay for the door if I broke it, I just—” He turned back to Kylo, his soft demeanor and gentle strength always permanently etched on his face. “Kylo, buddy, I’m here.” Ben rushed to the couch and sat right next to him. “I’m here, buddy. Come here, come on.”

Kylo immediately thrust his arms around Ben’s chest and wailed into it, all of it, all the pain that still lived inside of him just as alive as it had been all those years ago. He cried out into arms that held him, that loved him, that told the shattered teen that the world of pain he remembered was long gone.

Someone was there to hold him and heal him through the agony. Someone was there to be his strength when he fell weak. Someone was there to say it was okay to be weak, to fall, to hurt and need to be healed. Maybe it wasn’t a romantic interest, but someone loved him enough to carry him through the worst of it.

Teen Kylo didn’t know if he’d ever be loved again, if he’d ever feel good again. And for three years that was true. For three years he chased Rey, hassled her, pushed himself into her psyche to wrangle her into bringing that goodness back to him. But she wouldn’t and no one else would either. Kylo was destined to know a brief moment of happiness for the first time in his life and mourn the loss of it forever.

Until Ben. A man who accepted him despite Kylo’s many faults, despite the harm and venom Kylo had spewed toward him. A man who saw Kylo’s core and decided something good must be there and gave him a home instead of a death sentence. A man who held him now, despite all the trouble Kylo caused, and still whispered how much he was loved and how everything would be okay.

A wash of calm fell over him. The tension in his shoulders eased. Teen Kylo was adult Kylo, and both were loved and worthy of it.

He sniffled and closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation of being rocked in Ben’s arms. He remembered seeing Ben with Leia for the first time, how they hugged, how she touched him and held his hands. Kylo didn’t understand it, but he knew he wanted it. Touch-starved is what the therapist had said he was in the beginning. Love-starved and touch-starved.

When Ben had him checked out by the doctor, he said Kylo had been malnourished, starved. Physically, affectionately, Kylo was in a perpetual state of hunger.

The nutrition regimen the doctor had prescribed made Kylo feel better than he had all his life, and now his family fed him the love and affection he ached for.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea yet to seek it anywhere else. Like he had frightened Ben when he tasted real food for the first time, he had frightened Dayn.

Ben kissed his head and rubbed his back. Kylo always felt like a child in these interactions, and in some ways he hated himself for it, ashamed of this absurd behavior he exhibited. But in other ways, and thankfully was stronger than the other, he felt it was okay to just enjoy it, embrace something he had not been given when he _was_ a child. He let himself enjoy being cared for.

“What are you feeling now, Kylo?” Dr. Lo asked.

“Tired,” he whispered.

“A lot came up for you today.”

Kylo nodded against Ben’s chest. “I don’t like going back there.”

“What do you think you brought from back there?”

“The pain. The…heartbreak? I think. The rage. The rage because of the heartbreak? Because it hurt so much?”

“You’ve given great words to those feelings.”

Kylo sat up and thanked Ben, but remained pressed to his side. He pushed the tears off his cheeks with his palms.

“I’m so sorry,” Rey said and sucked in a sob. It hurt to look at her, because he didn’t want to see her hurting. Even though she had hurt him, he never wanted to see her in pain. “Kylo, I was not…I’m not that person anymore. I was angry and messed up and didn’t care about anyone, barely cared about myself. I never knew I hurt you so bad like that, and I…” She shook her head. “That Rey wouldn’t have even cared. I was so dead inside, Kylo. I couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved. I couldn’t love myself. And I didn’t think you were capable of it, didn’t know what it was, because it just came off as obsession. What the hell did I even know about love back then? Neither one of us was able to give each other anything. We didn’t have anything in us to give.”

Kylo felt so tired. His head throbbed. “That’s not true. You gave me everything.” His lip quivered. “You held my hand, and it was the best moment of my life. You touched my cheek and it was the best moment of my life. You kissed me, and it was magic. Maybe it wasn’t much for you, but it was everything for me.”

Rey’s shoulders shook as she buried her tears in her hands. “I’m so sorry, Kylo. I know it’s just words. I know it doesn’t mean anything, and I know I can’t do a damn thing about it now, but I mean it. I never wanted to hurt you like I did, and I feel like shit knowing how much I did.”

Ben squeezed Kylo’s shoulder. “I’m still here for you, buddy,” he whispered. “I’ll be right back.” He stood and embraced Rey, letting her bury her tears in his chest as his brother did for him.

Tears spilled over Kylo’s cheeks. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want her to hurt like this, not for him especially. “Please stop, Rey. Please don’t hurt anymore.”

Rey threw her arm out. “Dummy! I hurt _you!_ ”

“But I never want to see you in pain!”

She pressed her hand to her head. “I deserve it for how I hurt you.”

Kylo shook his head. “That’s not what I want! That’s not at all what I want! I just wanted _my_ pain to stop, not create more!” He hung his arm over his eyes and growled. He didn’t know how to fix this. Every time he loved someone, there was just pain. Maybe he wasn’t meant to have a Rey of his own. Maybe he was supposed to be like Kira, dedicating himself to a path and leaving the relationship thing to men like Ben who could love without fear.

“Kylo,” Dr. Lo said, “what’s it like to hear Rey apologize now for what happened as opposed to before she knew your true feelings?”

Kylo dropped his arm from his eyes and rubbed his forehead. Damn it ached. “I don’t know. It still hurts, but…I feel like maybe it won’t hurt so much anymore. Like there’s a bridge now. Like maybe she really sees my truth now. I just wish I knew what I did wrong that made you go away. I don’t want to keep making women leave me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

Rey stepped forward and took his hand. “Kylo…it was never about you. You didn’t do anything wrong. When the dyad failed, and we nearly died, I became even more bitter than before. I wanted to get out of there and find my true dyad so I could fix what was wrong with me. And with my grandfather constantly in my head, driving at me day and night, even in my sleep…I just wanted it to all be over. I just wanted the pain and madness to stop.” She shook her head. “I didn’t even think of you or how you felt. I wasn’t sure you felt anything. I didn’t even bother considering it.”

Kylo closed his eyes, her words daggers of truth. But her hand felt nice in his. It reminded him of the first time. Her softness, her kindness. She was the first to show him that people could be kind, maybe even be trusted. Until she destroyed it when she left.

Yet he understood. Palpatine had been in his head from the beginning, even while Snoke was taking residence in there, both of them competing for his powers, pitting themselves against each other. If Rey had to suffer with anything like that, he could understand how bitter and furious she had become.

“Kylo, you didn’t do anything wrong. Until you got possessive and tried to prevent me from leaving, you hadn’t done anything wrong. Only I wasn’t wise enough or capable of letting you know that at the time. I’ve grown up a lot too over the past few years. And I’m also trying really hard to be better. If I had known how bad I hurt you back then, I would have apologized a lot sooner. I’m sorry, Kylo. You deserved better than I gave you.”

Kylo squeezed her hand. It hurt so much, even this healing kindness just hurt so much. Holding her hand like this, remembering, going back to that time, those feelings were still as alive and real as they were back then. Her hand in his, reminding him of that period, of how it felt, the utter joy of loving human touch, her warm hazel eyes and bright smile.

He loved her so much.

He never stopped loving her.

And he had to. He had to stop aching for someone he could never have.

He looked up at Ben standing right next to her. Ben with his sympathetic, kind eyes, who saved his life, gave him a family and a home and endless love and affection, jumping to Kylo’s rescue whenever he needed it, always so supportive and gentle. Kylo had wanted to kill this person, his big brother, for taking his Rey away, the only happiness he had ever had.

Only Rey wasn’t his, only for a brief moment in time.

He had to let go, and damn it hurt so much to do so.

Dr. Lo leaned forward. “What’s coming up for you, Kylo?”

Kylo shook his head and looked down. He couldn’t say it. Not in front of Ben and Rey.

Ben sat next to him again, taking his free hand. “It’s okay, Kylo. Do you want me to help you find the right words?”

What were the right words for telling your brother you were still in love with his woman? Ben would surely hate him then, and it would all be over. Damn his head throbbed.

He pulled his hands out of theirs and gripped his hair. This was too much, all of it just too much. He needed it to end, to all be over, or every person he’d meet would just be a rehash of his love and loss as a teen.

“Kylo,” Dr. Lo said, “would it be easier to say it if Ben and Rey left the room?”

Yes, it would, it really would, but Kylo had to face this, face the question—could Ben still love him even if he knew the truth?

Knowing he could lose it all, lose everything he gained once again, be even more broken and shattered than before, he screwed his face up tight as he clenched his hair, pulling and holding to the searing pain that helped take the edge off the one in his heart. “I don’t know how to stop loving Rey. I can’t make my heart stop even when I want it to. I don’t know how to fix it!”

That was it. Now it would explode. Everything he had would disintegrate. Maybe he was better in a cell, locked away where he couldn’t hurt anyone and no one could hurt him, just like where he was raised. This whole world Ben pulled him into was a fallacy about to crash around him.

“Oh Kylo,” Ben said, and Kylo waited to be told he couldn’t come home. Instead, a big strong arm wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. “It must have been really painful to see us together all the time.”

This didn’t go in any direction Kylo expected. He looked up at his big brother. “Why aren’t you mad?”

“I have no reason to be. I’m just sad that you’re hurting like this. And if I were in your shoes, I’d be hurting too, and I’d be having a damn of a time trying to let go.” He looked over at Rey and smiled. “She’s a very special woman.”

Kylo dropped his head back onto Ben’s chest and sighed in relief. Ben didn’t hate him. Kylo didn’t lose everything. He was still loved. There would still be kindness and hugs and smiles tomorrow. Truth wasn’t always safe. Truth could hurt. But Ben loved him enough to accept that confession and still want him around.

Maybe it would be okay. Maybe it all could be fixed.

Rey slid in on the other side, wrapping her arm around him and laying her head on his back. Kylo took her hand and basked in just being loved. It wasn’t romantic, and for the first time, Kylo thought that was okay. Maybe he wasn’t yet ready for romantic love. Maybe he just had to work on accepting being loved at all. With Ben resting his chin on Kylo’s head, and Rey at his back, Kylo smiled. He liked this.

“What are you feeling right now?” Dr. Lo asked.

Kylo searched his brain for all those new words for feelings to see if he could match them up. “Like a peaceful happy. Safe. Like no one will leave me and I won’t be alone. Like I’m loved even though I cause problems.”

“How do you feel about Rey right now, being so close to you like that?”

Kylo heaved in a breath. “That…maybe we can love each other and it doesn’t have to be like a relationship. That maybe I can just enjoy this love and let the other one go quiet. I want it to be quiet. I’d rather have this with them than anything else.”

~*~

Kylo could barely keep his head up on the transport ride home. He stared out the window, his eyes drifting shut every so often. So tired. The headache had dulled to a mild discomfort after using the medtech, but his energy was sapped. Maybe Ben would do a dyad session with them tomorrow. Things got scary when he got tired and drained like this. He knew he was on borrowed time and wasn’t ready to give any of it up, especially now that life had gotten so beautiful, even with its challenges.

Now, he just wanted to eat and sleep.

Mom cooked one of Kylo’s favorites. She was so kind to him, presenting his plate with a smile, telling him about all the things she decided to cook because of how much he liked them. Mom listened and remembered things that made him happy. She wanted to make him happy. Mom really loved him.

Would she still love him if Ben had cast him aside? Would she choose Ben’s side? Dump Kylo out to fend for himself in a land full of strange people who acted in ways he still didn’t understand?

Mom grasped his hand and gave him such a smile that assured him, no, she would never do that. Even if Ben hated him after that revelation, Mom would still take care of him. That’s how she was.

Kylo was a lot more loved than he realized.

~*~

Ben sat with him on the patio outside his bedroom for a long time, just talking over things. Kylo told him everything that had happened between him and Rey in the past to help his brother understand why Kylo felt the way he did. And Ben admitted his insecurity, always questioning whether he deserved to be with someone like her, always scared she’d tire of his nonsense and ridiculousness and want something better.

But no matter what, he and Kylo would always be together. Kylo never had to be alone again. There would always be a safe place for his heart to land. He’d always have his home and family.

As the evening drew late, Rey came out and told Ben the shower was free. They had one of their private conversations, ones Kylo really did miss, and then Ben said he’d be back soon.

Rey plopped onto the lounge chair and knocked back a shot of Corellian whiskey. “Fuck all.”

Kylo sighed, echoing the sentiment. “Fuck all.”

“Hell of a week, huh?”

“To say the least. Damnit Rey, how could I have screwed this up this fast and this bad? In one day I ruined everything.”

“Fuck’s sake, it’s not everything.”

“My relationship. I got kicked out of school, or at least the building. I got arrested and had to let them… _touch_ me and haul me in when I just wanted to—”

“Rip their heads off?”

Kylo sighed. “At least you get it.”

“I’m impressed you didn’t. Proud of you. You really are becoming a changed man.”

Kylo shook his head. “I don’t think it’s making a difference. Maybe I deserve this misery, for all the bad things I did in the past. Maybe I don’t deserve happiness.”

“Don’t be stupid. Then I’d have to say the same thing for myself, and I don’t want that.” Rey sighed. “Shit happens, bad shit, whether you deserve it or you don’t. Just the way it is.”

The pain bubbled up again, filling his eyes with tears. Damnit he was tired of crying. “It was so much easier when I could just turn the pain into violence. Now I don’t know what to do with it—fuck!” He shoved the flowing stream of tears off his face. “All my life I train to be strong, and in a few short months I just cave to my weaknesses, bawling like a pathetic child at the slightest fucking thing.” He sniffled. “I wish you didn’t see me this way. I wish no one had to see me like this. So fucking humiliating.”

Rey sighed and tipped her head back. “I’ve learned there’s strength in tears.”

He looked at her. “In caving to your most humiliating of reactions? How?”

“Not caving. It’s…giving a voice to your heart, to let it know that it matters, that it has a right to its pain. In a galaxy that tries to tell you your feelings are wrong, it’s a hell of a lot of strength to tell it, ‘No, _you’re_ wrong.’ Think about it. Ben does so many things the rest of the galaxy says is foolish or wrong, and he does it anyway, because that’s who he is. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is. So I don’t know, being who you are, crying when everyone says it’s wrong, it takes a lot of strength to spit in the face of others and give preference for your own heart.”

Kylo nodded and let the rest of the tears fall. “I like that. Honoring my emotions as a sign of strength. Honoring myself.” He grinned. “Beats feeling shitty about it.”

“Doesn’t it?”

He chuckled and finally looked at her. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been lately, bitching at you and dragging you into this. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel bad.” He turned back up to the stars. “I just loved you so much and…I guess still do. It’s going to take time. I’m working on it. I know I have to let you go. We’re a family now, all of us, and what I have for you—it just doesn’t fit anymore. Just give me time, but I’ll fix it.”

Rey sighed and rubbed her brow. “You’re…not the only one who has to learn how to let go.”

Kylo frowned and turned toward her. “Huh?”

“It took a few arguments and a…drunken confession, but I finally had to admit it to myself. I wasn’t over you either. I wasn’t ready to give you up. You were mine, and pirates don’t let go of what’s theirs until they’re damn ready to do so.” She looked at him. “I know I said I didn’t want to be with you, and I don’t. I love and want Ben. But…I liked knowing you were there, exactly as I had you, exactly as I left you, so you’d be there when…”

“He left you?” Damn, they really were a lot alike.

“Do you feel like you deserve him?”

Kylo rolled onto his back. “No.”

“Neither do I. I’m always waiting for the saber to drop. It always does.”

He turned back to her. “He’d never let that happen. He’s more afraid you’d leave him than the other way around.” Kylo flopped back to look up at the stars. “He’d never leave you. And he’d never find another if you ever left him. He’d build himself another girlfriend before he’d ever find anyone else.”

Rey chuckled. “I’m pretty sure you’re right.” She turned to him. “Kylo, I’m setting you free.”

“Thank you?”

“I mean it. I won’t question what you do. You have to learn, even if you fuck up. I want to protect you, of course, because I will always love you as the one friend who I know would always understand what was going on inside of me. But you need to live your life, all the good and all the bad, and it’s not my place to hold you back anymore. I set you free of my control and set myself free of needing to do so.”

Kylo took a breath and nodded. “Okay. I love you too.” He smiled. “I know I’m miserable right now, but I’m glad at least to know I can move on from what we had, that I can have another girlfriend, another relationship. I thought you were endgame for me, and maybe for a long time you were. But the path’s open now. I can go forward. I can really leave Exegol behind.”

“You should. That place was a shithole.”

Kylo chuckled. “Yes it was.” He sighed as he wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m going to miss her, Rey. Before it all went bad, she made me feel so good. She showed me what it’s like to love as a regular, normal human, and that felt so damn good.”

“You deserve better, someone who can see all of you, your darkness and your light, your present and your past, and still love you for all of it. Someone strong enough to handle you, to be your match, be a warrior beside you, not some frail thing who squeals and hides behind you.”

“But doesn’t Ben—”

“Shoosh. The point is…Kylo, you’re a prince, a warrior prince, and you deserve someone worthy of royalty. Don’t settle for anything less.”

Kylo smiled. “Thank you. You know that…really means a lot coming from you.”

“Well, I mean it.” She smiled, and he was able to return it without that incessant longing he always felt.

“I often forget about the whole prince thing.”

“Kind of weird to think about, huh? Supreme Leader of the Final Order, Kylo Ren, was really Kylo Organa Solo, prince and second heir to the throne of Alderaan.”

“Fuck, that’s a name to live up to.” They both shared a laugh.

Rey snorted. “Hell, I marry Ben and I’ll be a princess. Can you believe that shit?”

The two of them broke into laughter again and Kylo could feel it, the rift between them mending. Maybe they were too much alike in all the wrong ways. Maybe their relationship never would have worked out. But it was time to let all of that go, embrace what he had with her, and cherish the history they once shared without being haunted by it.

~*~

“You sure you don’t need me to sit with you?” Ben asked at Kylo’s bedroom door.

Kylo smiled and shook his head. “Nah, I’m really tired. I’ll be fine tonight.”

Ben smiled. “Okay, but if you need me, you just call, no matter the time of night, okay?”

Kylo nodded. “I will. Ben, I’m…sorry I said that about Rey. About…still loving her. I know she’s yours. It wasn’t right.”

Ben stepped back into the room and squeezed his shoulder. “Hey, you were there to heal, and if revealing that helped you heal, then that’s all that matters.” He smiled. “I know you loved her, and…damn, I know the feeling. I would have felt the same way.” He massaged Kylo’s shoulder. “And I know you respect our relationship and have never tried to interfere in it, despite how much it must have hurt you. You have so much courage for facing that every day.”

Kylo swallowed and nodded, his head hung. “I’ll fix it one day, Ben. Maybe the more I fill my heart with other things, the less room there will be for that kind of love. I prefer the one I already have with you guys.”

Ben clasped him behind the head. “Kylo, I am so proud of you. Look at how far you’ve come! You have so much insight into your feelings now, doing so much hard work to untangle them and name them and really understand them and yourself.”

Kylo blinked. “You’re proud of me? Even after everything I said and did?”

“You are growing and you are working so hard at it. I couldn’t be more proud.”

Kylo smiled, his heart lighting up again. “Thank you, Ben. Thanks for being my big brother.”

Ben pulled him in for a hug. “I love you, buddy.”

Kylo patted Ben’s back. “Love you, too.”

Once his brother left, Kylo changed into flannel pajama pants and a soft shirt, just like the set Ben had. Then he sat at the edge of his bed, elbows resting on his knees. He was afraid to sleep. With all this stress and pain, he was sure a nightmare would be waiting for him.

Just a short while ago, he was sure his bed would never be empty again. And now the dream was over. Only nightmares remained.

“Goodnight Kylo.” Melanie’s sweet face glimmered as she smiled from across the room, on the couch where she had been during his relationship with Dayn.

Kylo sighed and motioned with his finger. “Melanie, come here. Sit down.” Melanie bounced over, always so enthusiastic, and sat beside him. Kylo grasped her arms and looked deeply into her slightly luminous eyes. “Melanie, I should have never left you. I’m so sorry.”

She tilted her head and smiled in a way that made her eyes into sweet crescents. “You don’t have to be sorry, Kylo. I still love you. I’ll always love you.”

Kylo smiled. “Will you join me again? Be with me once more?”

“Of course! I’ll always be with you, my sexy beast.”

Kylo chuckled. Well, this would do. He pulled Melanie down to lie in his arms. She snuggled in just how he liked, deep into his chest where he could bury his nose in her berry-scented hair. His bed didn’t need to be empty after all.

He would have to finally give up Rey, but at least he never had to give up Melanie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Ky-bear, sometimes you have to dig the bad stuff out of a wound before it can heal properly. Our poor boy has been through a lot lately. He needs 1000% hugs and cuddles.
> 
> I know Rey probably came off super mean in this chapter. She did always tell Ben that she was not a good person before meeting him. But teen years can be tumultuous, on top of space pirating and having a douchebag Palpatine as your grandpa in your head. At least she and Kylo made peace with their past together, and both can truly move on.
> 
> Things will start to look up next chapter. We will have one more ouchy moment (which is a new addition which makes what happens after even more powerful,) but then Ky is going to start on a new path in his life, maybe find some soothing and kindness for his tattered heart. Oh yeah, there will finally be some Caverns and Rancors! Stay tuned!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	15. Let the Past Die, or At Least Try To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings are new beginnings, and Kylo branches out toward a new path in life. But a brief relationship makes him face another part of his past.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I promised some lightness and sweetness this chapter. Well, we'll finally have some levity after all that pain, but a scene I didn't expect to run as long as it did took over and made me split this chapter. So while there will be sweetness and fun, there will be a painful spot because there's a lesson Kylo needs to face before he can step forward. 
> 
> Also, while I've had the multi/other relationship tags up from the beginning, I've also added the M/M specifically for this chapter. It was a relationship I had been thinking about from the beginning, but I wasn't sure whether I was going to add it because I didn't know where to put it. But I finally found the right sweet spot that works perfectly. I'm also totally going to be using the name Tai, but the character and look will be different in this story than in The Rise of Kylo Ren. Just riding on the headcanon relationship between canon Ben and Tai ;) 
> 
> Very light steam ahead, and no real CW except possibly on portion in the relationship when Tai holds Kylo's wrists in a playful manner, but Ky experiences it far differently. It's in the section on the grass surrounded by floral bushes and trees.

Though Kylo felt like he ruined his life in one day, he soon learned an even greater lesson—endings could also mean new beginnings. And sometimes the old had to be destroyed to make room for the new.

He even came up with a new saying: let the past die, kill it if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you’re meant to be.

Well, he wasn’t sure he could destroy his entire past so he could free himself to live the life he wanted, but shedding it piece by piece, or in some cases simply making peace with it, was a good start.

Ben gave Kylo some time to figure things out before moving to the next school option. He continued classes remotely, working in Ben’s office even though he could have worked from his own desk in his room.

It was only in being alone that he realized he missed being around other people, even if he didn’t know them well. This option was even better. This setup had Ben! And all his awesome collectibles like action figures and comic books. Sometimes after lunch, they would take some of the figures that weren’t sealed in their boxes and have a mock battle.

Of course, Ben never let him play Darth Vader, because that was _Ben’s_ character, but Kylo got to be anyone else he wanted. He even played Leia and had her kick Palpatine in the crotch over and over and yell, “That’s what you get for touching my sons!” Then she and Vader threw him down a pit, AKA the garbage can and laughed and laughed.

Ben made Luke curl up in a corner sucking his thumb, whining, “I’m scared of everybody, especially my future nephew! Wah! Wah!”

Then Ben made a diaper out of a tissue for him, and Kylo laughed so hard he fell out of his chair.

Kylo never had real toys before, and it was so much fun! Nor did he have a brother to play with until now.

Let the past die. Make up for what he missed now.

When the chaos of the breakup settled, Ben sat with him to look through other schools. This time it was up to Kylo to pick what he wanted, with classes that called out to him rather than trying to be just like Ben.

That was hard.

Especially since he really wanted to _be_ like Ben. It was just so damn hard. He kept getting lost in the math and science classes, even if he did very well on tests. But it was a struggle. He just wanted Ben to be proud of him, and show everyone that he wasn’t messed up, that his fusion scars and tortured past didn’t mean he was any less intelligent than he was supposed to be. They were clones, after all.

Ben kept telling him to be patient with himself, but Ben was already had his first PhD by Kylo’s age. How could he catch up to that?

At least he did well in the language arts classes. His professor was sad to see him go and gave him a long speech on how incredible he was with such insight into story and the written word. Kylo wasn’t sure about that, but it was nice to hear he was good at something besides killing for a change.

The school he was eyeing was on the other side of Hanna City from Ben’s alma mater, which gave him some space from Dayn. That was one good feature. But mostly what drew him was the focus on expressive arts. The language arts program was top notch on Chandrila, and since his old professor suggested it and would send a letter of recommendation, he was sure to get into the top class for that. Plus, they had a great art program. It was something Snoke and Palpatine never would have let him pay an ounce of attention to, and this was like shoving it in their ugly, dead faces.

It also had a theater program which intrigued him. After speaking with his therapist, he found the worst thing about the whole Dayn situation was that he didn’t know how to act properly. If he had only known the right things to say and do, maybe it wouldn’t have blown up like it did. Dr. Lo mentioned perhaps Dayn had some trauma of her own that guided her actions, that not all people were as easily scared or would leave him without notice. That made him feel a little better, nevertheless, until he learned how to act properly and control his rage issues, he couldn’t enter another relationship.

So Dr. Lo suggested drama therapy, and he liked it a lot. Through roles and scripts, he could better understand what he had to do in social interactions and how to respond. It was great because if he got it wrong, they could just try again, and if the emotions involved got overwhelming, the therapists knew how to help him manage it. No pressure, and it was fun.

And for the first time, he actually made a friend.

Sooven Korv also had trouble understanding social situations, cues, and prompts. He had trouble in large crowds, got overwhelmed by too much stimuli, and preferred staying in the quietude of his home. Kylo found a lot of common ground with him, as did Ben.

Best of all? He played Caverns and Rancors!

Granted, he would only holo-project into their game room, not yet ready to interact socially, though he said he must be making progress because Kylo was his first friend after twenty-three years of being alone. Even so, it was great to add someone to their game, especially since Finn and Jannah could barely make it due to their Jedi training.

“WE NEED TO GO FOR THE ORCS!” Kylo cried and leapt out of his seat, pacing around. “I don’t care! We have to get rid of them first!”

Rey sighed and flopped back in her seat. “They’re nowhere near us. Why must we go in the absolute wrong direction just to kill the orcs?”

Kylo stuck his finger in her face. “They will LIE to us like they ALWAYS do!” He tossed his hands up, back to pacing. “I don’t care. I’ll go there myself and kill them.”

“Their army is large, Deathkill,” Sooven’s projection said. “It isn’t wise to go in there alone.”

Kylo hung at the edge of his seat to plead his case. “You don’t understand these guys. They lie and lead you in bad directions—the most important thing you have to do in any campaign is kill the orcs.” He saw Rey and Ben flash each other a look, but ignored it. Sooven would understand, or more precisely, his Force-wizard Zorbok the Deadly would.

“What say you, Slashy McStabface?” Sooven asked. “Does Deathkill speak true? Have you been plagued by the scourge of orcs in the past?” Kylo loved how Sooven took the game as seriously as he did.

Rey groaned and shrunk in her seat. “Yeah, I guess.”

Kylo leapt out of his chair again. “KILL THE ORCS!”

“Roll for paces,” Ben said. Rey haphazardly tossed a 20-sided die into the projection chamber so Sooven could see the amount. “Perfect. Your team arrives outside the orcs’ chamber. Roll for initiative.”

Kylo tossed his die into the chamber. “YES! So I rush right in there and stab the EVERLOVING SHIT out of the orcs.”

“Rollll please, thank you.”

Kylo tossed in his 20-sided die and got a three. He leapt out of his seat again, fists clenched. “STARS FUCKING DAMNIT! Slashy?!”

Rey shook her head. “Ohhh no, Slashy’s not going in there. I didn’t want to bother with the orcs in the first place.”

“COME OOOOON! If you don’t jump in there, they’ll get initiative and kick my ass—I AM NOT GETTING MY ASS KICKED BY AN ORC!”

Rey covered her face, but it did not hide her laughter.

“Be still my friend,” Sooven said. “You still have Zorbok the Deadly at your side.”

“You can’t fight all those orcs at once, you don’t have a weapon that powerful!” Kylo plopped into his seat. “Fuck, we’re gonna get slaughtered!”

“Not necessarily. Zorbok wishes to cast his spell of Swoon.”

“Roll for success,” Ben said. Sooven’s projection came up with a six. “Success rate is high, roll for damage.” His 20 sided die reported a 15. Ben rolled his own dice. “All orcs fall to the ground, instantly asleep, all except one who is staggering but definitely on his way out.”

“My turn!” Rey says. “So Slashy pulls out her gun—”

Kylo spread his arms across the table and shook his head. “Nonono, nononono. I wanna do it. I have to kill an orc—you have to let me kill an orc.”

Rey sighed and waved her fingers. “Kill away, Deathkill.”

Kylo rolled his die and finally got a thirteen. “YES! FUCK YES! DIE YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

“The question is,” Sooven said, “precisely what do we do with them? The spell shall only last for so long. It would be unwise to leave ourselves with angry enemies lurking about.”

“We slaughter them all! Lemme roll for it—”

“Wait, Deathkill, tis no honor using lightsabers against those who cannot defend themselves. There must be another way. Ah, I have a solution to our lack of credits. We shall bring them back outside the cavern and sell them to the Hutts!”

Rey brightened. “I like how he thinks!”

Ben rolled. “Search your inventory for ropes or binders…”

After a few minutes of dice rolls and paces, Ben said, “And now your party is 3000 credits richer, and you solved that pesky orc problem.”

“YES!” Kylo cried and smacked a high five onto Sooven’s projection.

Ben sighed. “ _Now_ can we please get back to the rest of the game? Swear I’m not going to add one more damn orc in any of our campaigns from now on…”

Rey tossed her six-sided die. “I roll to rob the Hutts.”

Kylo roared at the ceiling. “Oh my stars, every time, every fucking time we deal with the Hutts, you have to rob them. That’s how half our hit points get wiped before a cavern, because _you_ have to rob the Hutts every time.”

“Damn straight! In real life or play, that’s the life of a pirate, and nothing more fun than robbing those Hutts.”

Ben turned to Sooven’s projection. “This is why we rarely actually explore any caverns in our games.”

“It’s just as well,” Sooven said. He moved his arm and his gamepiece projection disappeared from the grid. “I have to go, anyway. I enjoyed this. I hope you’ll let me play in your game again.”

“Oh absolutely, we game every week at this time, sometimes twice in a really intense campaign. You’re welcome any time.”

“I appreciate your kindness. Kylo, I will see you at our next therapy appointment.”

Kylo remembered his lines. They had practiced this just yesterday, and he knew his friend was trying to put it into action as was he. “I’m looking forward to it. Thank you for coming. We had a great time together.”

“Thank you for inviting me. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Sooven.”

The projection disappeared and Ben pointed at it. “I like that guy. That’s a guy who knows how to play Caverns and Rancors.”

Kylo gathered his pieces and dice. “I told Sooven I don’t know how to have a friend, and he said he didn’t either, so we agreed we’d figure it out together. Do you think we did well?”

“Absolutely, Rey said. “Think that drama therapy’s really paying off for you.”

“Yeah,” Kylo said, nodding, “I like it.” He didn’t yet want to mention he’d been curious about the school theater program ever since he saw a short play performed there. He knew drama therapy differed from actual theater, but the concept intrigued him, regardless. It was so hard being Kylo, especially with the mess in his head. It might be fun to try being other people for a change, see what it’s like in their heads.

~*~

The new school was working out great, much better than the last. There was even a chance he might be making more friends. There was a nonbinary person in his art class that loved to show him all different kinds of art supplies and suggested they go shopping after school one day so he could have something to work with at home. And there was a conjoined twin species in his language arts class that had as much of a fascination with the writings of Tar’dek as he did.

He even had a brief relationship, hoping once again to get things right, even if the concept scared him after what happened with Dayn. It started off innocently enough. One of his art classes had a model come in. The young man was the same height as himself, not nearly as muscular but certainly fit, and he had the most incredible dark indigo skin. Kylo couldn’t wait to get to the coloring portion of the project. It was so intriguing how the lights would bring out the beautifully intense blue.

What surprised him was when the man disrobed. He wasn’t shy or hiding himself, didn’t even seem the least bit embarrassed. He just showed his body as if acknowledging his own exquisite form.

Kylo wished he could have that kind of confidence one day. Then again, the man wasn’t covered in scars.

The two of them always talked after class ended, and it was nice to have someone interested in what he had to say, though he kept his mouth shut about a lot of more personal things, like his powers, his lightsaber, the significant details about his past, even reducing his fusion scar to a birth defect (he wasn’t lying, but wasn’t telling the whole truth either.) He never knew when he was going to scare someone off by saying the wrong thing.

In fact, Ben had convinced him that maybe it was better to keep his lightsaber home when he was at school. Kylo was horrified at first, but Ben reminded him how powerful he was without it, much more than anyone at the school or probably even Hanna City could wield. That was true. He felt naked without it, but he grew used to it over time.

Thankfully, the man, Tai, said he hadn’t seen Ben’s SOLO commercial (didn’t watch TV at all and was only interested in art-house movies) and didn’t bother reading news or historical stuff on the holonet. Tai preferred art, theater, poetry, and other forms of entertainment that were for a “sophisticated and delightfully abstract mind” as he put it. Kylo liked all those things too, thankfully, but he wasn’t about to give up TV, especially _Battleship Blasters_ where they crashed old junk spaceships into each other to see who would come out the winner. No one was taking that away from him.

Point being, Tai knew nothing about him, and for once Kylo was glad. For once he had a clean slate with someone.

One day after classes had ended, Tai invited him to go for a walk. It was during that expedition Kylo was asked a question he never expected.

“You ever kiss a man?”

Kylo raised one eyebrow. “No.” He leaned in, intrigued. “Should I have?”

Tai chuckled and shrugged. “Only if you want to. If you feel it. Thought maybe you did by the way you looked at me in class.”

Kylo flinched. “Huh?”

Tai smiled. “I used to watch those gorgeous dark eyes of yours lift above your canvas, roving over me, studying me far deeper than anyone else did. I liked it. Thought maybe you were attracted to me.”

Was he? He didn’t really know. “I thought you were beautiful. You have a really sculpted body and fascinating color. I liked painting you.”

Tai smiled, tipping his face skyward, chest puffing out. “Well, you’re certainly making it hard not to be attracted to you. You ever been attracted to men?”

“I honestly never thought about it. Usually the…men in my life were cruel. I’ve…been trying to work past a lot of mistrust there. My brother’s been helping me. My father and uncle, too. I just met them this year, so they’re the first men that were ever really kind to me.”

Tai brushed a finger across Kylo’s cheek and into his hair. The gesture felt different from female fingers, a little thicker, rougher, but kind. Nice. “Who could ever be cruel to you?”

Kylo shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I had a hard life. I’m…trying to learn a normal life, outside of…the bad things.”

“Poor thing. Stars, you have such beautiful hair.”

Kylo found himself blushing and smiled. “Um, thank you.” That’s what he was supposed to say when someone complimented him. That drama therapy really was helping. “I like the color of your skin. It’s like midnight. I liked painting it.”

“I’m from Torwi, in the Centauri Twelve system. All of our skin is dark, but the underlying color depends on which region you come from.”

It all sounded vaguely familiar, like he should know the place but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Which made him all the more intrigued. “Wow, I’d love to see more of your people.”

Tai shrugged. “Maybe we can visit one day, now that it’s stable again after the war.” Tai stepped closer, and it was beyond Kylo’s preferred boundary level, but for once he didn’t mind. “Would you like to try it?”

“Visiting your people?”

“No, silly, kissing a man.”

The question never came up before, and he wasn’t sure how to answer. He briefly wondered if he should ask Ben, but then figured he’d look ridiculous calling in to check. Well, it was a kiss, what was the harm? “Okay.”

Big hands gently braced his cheeks, but he almost jerked back. It was one thing when Ben did it, because he trusted Ben fully. But to have some other man do it, his first reaction was to think of Snoke, whose false tenderness often ended in pain. Kylo found himself shivering, his nerves not knowing exactly what to be so hyped up about, the excitement of the present or the horror of the past.

“So scared,” Tai whispered just outside his lips.

“It’s n-not you.” At least he hoped it wasn’t. “Past stuff.”

“You want me to stop?”

“N-no. I’ll be okay.”

Kylo closed his eyes, breathing through the anxiety, and felt warmth envelop his lips. Bigger, thicker, not like the smaller mouths he was used to: Rey, Dayn, or even Melanie. But nice. This was nice. It didn’t feel strange, just different.

Tai parted but remained just outside his lips. “How was that?”

Kylo opened his eyes to meet Tai’s amber ones. “Nice. I liked it.”

“Good. I was hoping you weren’t going to hit me.”

Kylo flinched. “Why would I hit you?”

“You wouldn’t be the first. Some men don’t like kisses from other men.”

Kylo narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Why would anyone hit someone over love? Love is beautiful.”

Tai smiled. “Now I really like you. Want to try again?”

Kylo nodded, and the kiss came stronger, deeper. Long arms reached around him, pulling him close, and he had to admit it was nice not to have to slouch down in such a tender moment. Tai’s tongue was thicker, rougher, but Kylo decided he didn’t mind this at all. A warm body pressed against his, being held, being loved, kissed: he enjoyed the soft delight that enveloped him that really wasn’t so different than what he felt with a woman.

If anything, the oddest part was telling his family.

“I think I have a boyfriend,” Kylo said when he met them in the living room.

“Oh,” Ben said, “okay, cool, bro. I didn’t realize you liked men, too.”

Kylo shrugged. “I didn’t either. But he kissed me and I liked it. So I guess I’ll try this.”

“Sounds good, can’t wait to meet him!”

Dad looked at him, shrugged, and returned to his datapad. “Long as he breathes and didn’t start out life as a pile of wires.”

Ben clenched his teeth. “I know that was a dig at me, so just shut UP Dad!”

Han thumbed toward Kylo. “He’s the one dating your ex-bot.” Chewbacca made a sound, and the two snickered and fist-bumped one another.

Ben waved his finger and Dad’s datapad smacked him in the face. After a grunt and a rub on his nose, Dad said no more.

Mom patted the couch next to her. “Well come sit and tell me all about him.”

Kylo plopped down and opened his mouth to speak when out of the corner of his eye he saw Rey staring at him, eyes wide and sparkling, a stupid grin on her face while she rested her chin in her hands. He couldn’t stop being irritated by her goofy expression while he told Mom about how he and Tai met, but when he got to the kissing part…

“Wait, slow down,” Rey said. “I think we need more details. Walk us through it, moment by moment.”

Kylo was about to, frowning as he wondered why it mattered to her, when Mom patted his leg and said, “Honey, you share only what you’re comfortable sharing. The details should remain as private as you want them to be.”

Rey groaned and rolled onto Ben, disappointed for some reason, and Kylo really could not figure out what the hell was going on. But then she and Ben started having one of their private conversations that turned into giggles, wide eyes, surprise, then more giggles, and Kylo was tired of it already.

Honestly, he just wanted to get back to talking to Tai. It was nice to be in a relationship again, even if it was a bit terrifying after what happened with Dayn.

~*~

For a couple weeks the two of them met after school, took walks, sat in cafes, visited art museums and installations, went to poetry readings, and in between had makeout sessions that grew warmer and warmer. That was where it was a little different. Tai was broader and harder, definitely bigger, and he seemed to like to take some sort of control, to set the pace.

Kylo wasn’t too sure about that part yet. He’d spent too much of his past having his life directed for him, and it was starting to nudge a boundary he didn’t realize he had.

When they walked, Tai always had his arm over Kylo’s shoulders, and Kylo had his around Tai’s waist. And in the rare times Kylo tried to switch it up, Tai always wriggled his way back to the original. At some point Tai said something about being a bit of a dom, whatever that meant, but Kylo guessed he just liked having his arm on shoulders instead of the middle.

When they cuddled, Tai always held Kylo’s head to his chest. That was actually really nice. Being held, feeling embraced and protected from the galaxy (at least his heart anyway, he doubted Tai could fight like he could,) it was nice to nestle into a feeling of letting go, let himself be cherished and cared for. It was unusual, because he was a warrior and used to being the one on guard, but he decided to let himself experience it, enjoy it for what it was. Maybe he didn’t always have to be on guard. Maybe he also deserved to be vulnerable, held, and protected.

But at one point Tai pressed up against a boundary Kylo didn’t realize he’d had for himself until that moment. They had been fooling around in a private grassy patch in the park, encircled by floral bushes and tall trees. Both were shirtless, and Kylo was smiling while lying in the grass as Tai trailed kisses over his chest. He still didn’t quite understand how they were supposed to get intimate, but he figured Tai would explain it when the time came.

Tai lay on top of him and devoured him with a kiss so deep Kylo’s toes curled. Then hands slid along the length of his arms and gently yet firmly encircled his wrists. Tai drew them up high above Kylo’s head, and that’s when the first twinge of discomfort hit.

Kylo suddenly saw Exegol and immediately broke from the kiss. He opened his eyes and stared at the greenery, the blue sky, everything to center him here and now, just like Dr. Lo and the drama therapist had been teaching him. “What are you doing?”

“Just playing,” Tai said, kissing his jawline. He then tipped his head back, surveying Kylo, and smiled. “You look precious like this, so adorably helpless. I have a thing for muscle-bound men all tied up.”

Anxiety boiled in Kylo’s stomach, so he breathed. _Go to the center of it. Breathe. What’s around me? Bushes, leaves, grass, trees…_

Tai nudged his ear with his nose and kissed it. “We can try it if you want. I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

_Don’t react. Breathe. Center. Be assertive, not aggressive. Ask for what you need._ “Tai, please let my hands go.”

Tai nuzzled his neck. “I’m just playing. I won’t hurt you.”

_But I might hurt you if you don’t…if you don’t…_ “Let go of my hands.”

Tai obliged and sat up, confused. Kylo sat up as well, arms around himself as he breathed through it. He wouldn’t dig his fingertips into his arm. _Maybe the dirt, okay, maybe that was okay, and just breathe._ He dug his fingers into the roots, into the sod, gripping while breathing.

“Ky, what’s wrong?”

He wasn’t really sure, not at first. Then it came to him, being bound by the police, the memories of being bound in Exegol. The anxiety welled up, filling him at an alarming rate. _Breathe, find the center of the anxiety and breathe. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. One, two, three, four…_

“Ky?”

His jaw quivered, but he felt like he was gaining a grip on himself. “I have a bad past. They bound me and hurt me. I can’t do that.”

“Oh…oh shit, Ky, I didn’t know. Hey, heyyy…”

Kylo felt arms wrap around him from behind. They were warm, strong, gentle. He was on Chandrila, it was warm, and he was being held. He wasn’t on Exegol. He wasn’t going there. He was here. He was safe.

The shaking finally stopped.

“Ky, I’m sorry,” Tai said into his neck. “You don’t talk much about your past, I didn’t know that was like, a trigger for you.”

Kylo sucked in a breath. “Guess I didn’t know either.” He smiled, trying to wrangle himself out of that lingering chill. “It wasn’t until I felt it…I’m sorry if I, I didn’t mean—”

“Hey, don’t apologize. You got to protect yourself. Believe me, I understand. There’s some bad moments in my past too, scary shit I don’t even like to think about. I mean, the likelihood of that being triggered now is like, unheard of, but I get it.” Tai sighed and held him closer. “I wish you would let me in more, tell me what happened to you.”

And have it be too much? Have him be too needy? Too many “normal” people acted like they wanted the truth, then attacked when they received it. “Maybe one day, Tai. I was just…abused constantly from childhood until I was an adult. Feeling…helpless like that, it’s…terrifying, and when I get afraid I lash out, and I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“The burden of being a soldier, huh?”

Kylo sighed. “Something like that.”

“Well, I’m glad you told me instead of beating the crap out of me. Had too much of _that_ in my life, too.”

Kylo settled into that feeling. Tai was right. Kylo used his new tools, his words, his breathing, his centering, and stood up for what he needed, all without reacting with violence. He did the right thing. For once, he did the right thing.

Kylo sighed with a smile and tipped back into Tai’s embrace. He was starting to actually feel good about himself. Maybe he had hope for a normal life yet.

~*~

But “normal” was only a dream. What finally ended their brief relationship was something Kylo never saw coming.

Perhaps he should have, at least the first part. But what came after almost put him over the edge again, spiraling back into the self-hatred he had been working so hard to overcome.

Kylo brought him home to meet everyone and have some privacy somewhere safe where Kylo could have a rescue team if he fucked up again.

Tai eyed the red, black, and light gray bedroom and raised his brow. “I have never seen a room more perfectly reflect someone. You have a hell of a sense of style.”

Kylo grinned as he waved for the door to close. “I couldn’t have figured this out on my own. My mom and Ben decorated it for me. Ben knows what I like, and Mom has a sense of style that comes from being royalty. Plus, she said my grandmother was huge into fashion. I don’t know. It skipped me.”

Tai raised one eyebrow as he looked across the room. “Interesting droid.”

“Oh, that’s Melanie. She’s my emotional support sssss…” Kylo licked his lips, remembering what Mom said about people not understanding droid relationships. “She helps me if I have nightmares.”

“She looks almost human. Like, eerily so.”

Kylo smiled. “I know. She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

Tai stared at him. Kylo shrugged. Tai lifted one eyebrow once again. Kylo shrugged again.

Tai let out a breath. “Oooookay, well, does she need to be…watching us?”

Kylo scratched his head. Melanie was mostly needed at night for his nightmares, yet he wasn’t sure he felt safe having her leave. Some sort of gut feeling made him want to keep her around. “If my, um…anxiety goes up too high, she alerts my brother so he can help me through it.”

“Well, can she maybe…hang out in the bathroom or the closet or something? I don’t want to be rude, but…”

The closet would be pretty rude, even the bathroom was a bit pushing it. “Um, Melanie, can you perhaps wait on the patio while we’re together in here? So we can have some privacy?”

Melanie smiled that sweet, crescent-eyed smile of hers. “Of course Kylo, anything for you, my sexy beast.”

Tai tipped his head down, staring at Kylo in exasperation. Kylo bit his lip and shrugged. What could he say?

Melanie bounced outside and shut the sliding door behind her. Tai shook his head and chuckled. “I’m not even going to ask. I mean, I know you’ve been with women before, but…” He waved his hands. “Never mind. Come here.”

Kylo relaxed as Tai took his hands and pulled him in close for a kiss. Kissing led to exploration, and Tai’s exploring hands reached all the way down to Kylo’s rear. He squeezed while pressing his hips against him. Kylo felt a surge of delight reach right into his hardening manhood.

Tai left his lips and whispered into his neck, “I’ve been wanting to feel _those_ muscles for a looong time.” He kissed Kylo’s neck. “You’re so beautiful. So strong. Like a fucking god.”

Kylo let out a breath of desire and ground his hips against Tai’s equally eager set. He really didn’t know how this was going to work. Tai kept saying how they should go somewhere private so they could make each other feel good, and Kylo had been baffled and curious ever since. And right now he was just plain horny.

Tai pulled off Kylo’s shirt and his own, then nodded toward the bed. “Shall we?”

Kylo licked his lips. “Tai…how are we going to…I don’t get this.”

Tai sat and waved him down. Once Kylo was seated next to him, Tai nudged himself into Kylo’s neck again and spoke between kisses and suckles. “For now, I figure we just play with each other’s cocks a little bit. I know you’re a virgin—”

“No I’m not. I had sex with my last girlfriend.”

“Was it in your ass?”

Kylo flinched. “No, why would it be?”

Tai sat up. “Kylo…you have no idea how this works, do you?”

“No.” He lowered his head and looked up with innocent eyes. “Should I?”

Tai let out a breath. “Oh boy…we need to have a little talk.”

After that tale, Kylo felt just as confused and in shock as he did when Rey explained sex to him the first time. “So it hits a spot that feels good?”

“Yes, but I want to be gentle with you, make sure you’re ready. So maybe next time I come, I can bring some toys, help stretch you out a little.”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “You mean like…action figures?”

Tai stared at him, then burst into laughter. “Ky, what the fuck? Why would I shove action figures in your ass?”

“You said toys!”

“I mean sex toys! By the stars…”

Kylo blinked, his eye twitching again. “What are sex toys?”

Tai’s shoulders dropped. “Are you kidding me?” Kylo only blinked. “Oh fuck…we’re gonna need my comm for this explanation.”

Kylo thought he was confused and in shock before. But what he saw in that shop on Tai’s comm left him both mystified and even more horny than before. Still, he wasn’t really sure about Tai’s offer to bring something for next time. Maybe it would be best to test such things with Melanie first. It was one thing if it was just plain pleasure, but the thought of stretching anything, or something that may feel uncomfortable at first, it was too much of a risk. Kylo was already working past a lot of trust issues with male hands to begin with and didn’t want to make a snap reaction if things got too intense. Trying this out with Melanie would just be safer for everyone involved.

How he was going to explain that to Tai was an entirely different matter.

“You okay?” Tai asked.

Kylo shook himself and nodded. “I think so. I…I’m not sure how ready I am for…toys. Maybe…maybe we can work up to that later.”

“Okay.” Tai brushed his thumb over Kylo’s cheeks. “You get so pink and warm when you’re flustered. So cute.”

Kylo smiled. He liked being called cute. “So…what do we do now?”

“Now I’m going to kiss you again, and we’ll just see how far we want to go. If you get uncomfortable, you just tell me, okay? I know you have a bad past, so anything I do, if it makes you uncomfortable, just say the word, got it?”

Kylo nodded. “I will.” And he would. Dayn said she would tell him if things became a problem and didn’t, and he wouldn’t do that to someone else.

Tai leaned in and kissed him, slow, soft lips that tasted and tested, caressed and loved. Then Tai slid his fingers into Kylo’s hair and deepened the kiss, his thick tongue sliding in and taking command.

Tai held him closer while dominating Kylo’s mouth. Dark blue hands roved his back, then his chest, strong, rougher than female hands, but kind, loving. Tai wanted him to feel good, cared about him, cared about his feelings. And that thought made Kylo deepen his own kiss.

To be loved was magic and delight. To be honored, to have one’s body loved and embraced, cherished just as much as their mind, heart, and soul, it was everything. Kylo didn’t care what parts came with someone that wanted to love him this much. He just wanted to feel it, enjoy it, and share it back in return.

Love was beautiful.

Tai pressed his chest against Kylo’s, nudging him backwards onto the bed. He lay back flat and Tai’s body completely covered him, fingers sinking into Kylo’s hair, hips pressing, grinding, seeking, and every single one sent a surge that made Kylo moan and grunt into Tai’s overpowering mouth.

Fuck, Kylo was getting so horny. He wasn’t sure what he should do about it, though, and left it up to Tai. One of his boyfriend’s hands left his hair and trailed down his body, down his chest, over his abs, and reached right down to rub his aching manhood.

The surge that followed the successive strokes awoke something deep within him. Heat spilled through his body, and he wanted, desperately wanted. Kylo smoothed his hand over Tai’s blue-black skin, reached down over his pants and gripped the equally hard appendage.

Tai gasped. “Oh fuck, Ky…”

Pleasuring Tai, receiving it himself, the heat, the scent in the air, the incessant desire, the vital energy running through them both, hearts beating faster, blood pumping.

“You’re so fucking sexy like this,” Tai said. “The way you’re looking at me now, like you want to devour me.”

Kylo curled in his bottom lip while Tai stroked him faster. “Maybe I do.”

Tai smiled. “Not if I devour you first.” He came down hard with a kiss that thrust deep inside. Kylo remembered how much Tai enjoyed taking charge and supposed he was enjoying himself.

But Kylo felt too restrained, not true to himself, as he also enjoyed a more dominant role. He needed more. Kylo broke from the kiss and panted into growls.

“Ohhh,” Tai said, “you are so fucking eager for me, aren’t you?” His hand left Kylo’s hardness to unclasp his belt.

Kylo felt the fasteners of his pants loosen, and a hand slid inside. He growled, “Fuck!” into Tai’s neck and planted his mouth on it, wanting to bite, wanting so badly to sink his teeth into that beautiful skin. Then he nudged his mouth down, right over to the pulse point, where all that vital energy pumped and beckoned to him.

His body flooded with a surge of Darkness. He wanted way more than to be trapped on the bottom.

Kylo shifted his knee up and with a thrust of his hands and hips, flipped Tai with a yelp flat onto the bed.

“Oh shit,” Tai whispered as Kylo dove in, raking his teeth down his boyfriend’s neck, panting and breathing and nipping, growling with the primal heat fed by both his hormones and the Darkness that craved passion and vitality, the living heartbeat and blood of life.

Kylo raked his fingertips across Tai’s chest, then gripped his boyfriend’s face and shoved a kiss so deep Tai gave a high-pitched cry right into his throat and arched his hips up.

Kylo left his lips to whisper hot into his ear, “You like that?”

“Fuck yes.”

“You like when I have you? Possess you? Claim you as my very own?”

Tai chuckled and purred. “Fuck, Ky, I’m not normally a switch, but I like this side of you.”

Kylo clasped him just about the neck, right below his ear, to hold Tai in place while he slid his tongue from the center of his chest, up that deep blue neck, right across the pulse point, and then looked him right in the eyes. “Do you?”

The response was not what he expected.

Tai’s eyes widened, and he shoved himself out from under Kylo. “Ky?! What the FUCK?!” Tai’s head whipped back and forth. “Oh no. No no no no no, you didn’t tell me about this shit!”

Kylo turned to see objects in his room floating. Oh no. He clamped his eyes shut and breathed, trying to still the flood of Darkness while the objects clattered back down into place.

Tai jumped off the bed and shook his head. “You’re one of _them?_ You didn’t tell me you were one of them!”

Kylo tried to breathe through it, but his heart was clamped inside a vice. “I’m sorry I…I didn’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“Well it’s a hell of a time to find out! Your fucking eyes started glowing! I know what that means! You’re a Sith!”

Kylo looked up at him, hoping his eyes quieted. “Not by choice!”

“It doesn’t matter! Ky…” Tai covered his face with his hand. “This…you shouldn’t have sprung this on me.”

Kylo braced his hands on the bed and hung his head, shoving out a breath. “I didn’t mean to. I’m…still learning to control it, the Darkness. It rises when I’m passionate. And I’m not really a Sith anymore. Just a Darksider. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Tai thrust his arms out. “This is more than just scaring me! You hit the one damn thing I can’t handle! My one fucking weakness! Damnit, Ky!”

Kylo gripped the blanket and tried to breathe through it, tried…so…hard… “I won’t do it again. I promise. I’ll control it. I swear to you…”

“No, Ky, that’s not enough! Fuck, maybe I should have just been upfront with you too, but I can’t deal with this! This is a dealbreaker for me, I’m sorry.”

Kylo didn’t like where this was going, but knew to the bottom of his breaking heart what was coming. He shoved his pants closed and sat at the edge of the bed. “Are you leaving me?” He couldn’t even look at Tai, just kept squeezing the edge of the bed. _Breathe through it, go to the center of the pain and breathe._

“I’m sorry, Ky. You don’t understand what this does to me. I can’t be with you if this is what you are.”

_Breathe…breathe…go to the center of the pain…fuck I can’t do this…fuck it’s happening again…_

Kylo swallowed and whispered, “I can’t help who I am, any more than you can.”

Tai sighed and pressed his fist against his head. “Oh Ky, fuck! That’s not fair! And at least I was upfront about who I was from the beginning.”

_Breathe…breathe…ten, nine, eight…_ “You said yourself you didn’t always feel safe to do so.”

“This is different! What I am doesn’t kill people!”

And there it was. Let the past die, but why did it keep following him? Kill it if you have to, but kill it how when it kept coming back?

_Breathe…breathe…_ But it wasn’t helping. It was keeping him still, keeping him sitting instead of doing anything crazy like he did with Dayn, but it wasn’t easing his shattered heart in the least. The pain rose until it had nowhere else to go but fall as tears. Damnit, did he need to be humiliated on top of it?

_There is strength in tears._ Maybe Rey was right. Maybe he had to just let his heart say what it needed to say, and right now it just wanted to cry.

His tears dripped down his cheeks and splashed against his bare abdomen.

Tai sighed. “Fuck, Ky…” With another sigh, he sat next to Kylo and put his arm around him. “I’m sorry, Ky. I never wanted to hurt you, but you have to understand this is just something I can’t do.”

Kylo swallowed and whispered, “I get it. I…thought maybe it would be different this time, but all I do is…scare everyone with everything that I am.” He sniffled.

“Kyyy…” Tai held him closer, held his head to that deep blue chest, the place where Kylo once felt safe, and knew this was the last time he’d ever feel it again. “Listen, I…you’re a good person, Ky. You’re…sweet and adorable and loving, and…you are going to make someone very happy one day, someone who hasn’t been through what I went through.”

Kylo tried to ask him about it, but only sniffled and shook into tiny sobs. To his credit, Tai just held him, let him cry and held him, soothing him even if Tai was afraid of him, for whatever reason beyond the simple and obvious.

When Kylo calmed a little, Tai said, “It’s like…remember when I held your wrists and you got triggered? It’s like that, okay? It’s not…it’s not personal. I…never said why I’m here on Chandrila instead of my home planet. Up until a few years ago I lived on Torwi with my family, that was, until the Final Order decided to come in and take over.”

Kylo’s heart stopped for a moment before pounding.

“Our people tried to fight them off, and almost got the upper hand, but they got through our air force, took the battle on land, went straight for our elected leaders, led by their Supreme Leader—”

Kylo’s heart completely stopped, his body turning to ice.

_Oh no…oh fuck…_

It came back to him. It finally came back to him, why the planet and star system sounded familiar, why Tai’s beautiful skin looked so familiar, even if he saw very little of it back then amidst the soldiers’ armor.

“He was a Sith, hiding his face behind a helmet, who could just stop blaster shots right in midair and send them back to those who shot them. He carried this red lightsaber that had three points—”

Kylo clamped his hand to his mouth, tears pouring once again. _Oh stars…oh fucking stars…_

“No one stood a chance against him. There were others, these creepy knights with glowing weapons—I don’t even want to think about it. No one could stop them. No one could protect our elected leaders. They just came, took what they want, killed who they wanted. I was only lucky our family escaped the siege on our capitol. We had to sneak off Torwi in a shipping vessel to find somewhere safe. We had to leave our entire lives behind, those who lived, anyway. But those images? Of our people getting slaughtered left and right, so callous, no regard for their humanity, it will never leave my head or my heart. And I will never forgive those sons of bitches as long as I live.”

Kylo wanted to scream. Throw up, scream, run forever and never stop. What did he _do_? By the fucking stars, what did he _do_? It wasn’t a real question. He knew what he did. He remembered. He fucking remembered right as he sat there being held by the person who hated him for decimating his homeland.

He needed Ben. He needed Ben immediately, but how the hell would he call him? Tell him? Get him without Tai finding out who he really was, who he wished he could leave behind.

_Let the past die, kill it if you have to._

Why wouldn’t it fucking die?!

“And that’s why,” Tai continued, “it bothers me so much. Like I said, it’s not…you, per se, but what you represent. What you remind me of, what—Ky, what the fuck’s going on? Why’s the house rumbling?”

Kylo lifted himself from Tai’s chest and finally noticed. Everything in the room was shaking, probably the entire house as he tried to contain his power that was about to explode out of him from the pain and fear screeching inside of him.

He had to retract it, control it, get himself back to the center of it all. _Breathe…breathe…find the center of the pain, the center of the fear. Ten nine eight seven…_ With a breath, he said, “Probably my father screwing around with his ship.” The building quieted, his comm flashing like crazy. He hated lying, but it seemed “normal” people couldn’t handle some truths, and in this case, he himself couldn’t handle it.

He shot off a quick message to his family saying everything was okay, even if it wasn’t, and hung his head once again. “I um…guess this is goodbye then.”

Tai stood and put his shirt back on. “I’m sorry, Ky. I hope you understand.”

“I do.” And he did. He really did. Honestly, he was tempted to tell Tai the truth, just to let him get all of that anger and frustration out on him. But something stayed his mouth and hand, whether fear, self-preservation, or something else. “Um…do you want me to walk you, or—”

“No, I know the way out. I’ll call a transport. I…hate leaving you like this. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Kylo forced a smile onto his tear-soaked face. “I liked what we had while we had it.”

Tai gave a soft smile in return. “Me too. You are a great person, Ky. You’ll make someone really happy one day. And I won’t tell anyone about this. I guess I can understand why you keep it hidden. Sometimes we have to consider our own safety, whatever form that may take. I get that you’re trying to live a life beyond whatever happened in your past. I’m sorry I can’t be a part of it, but I won’t out you. I promise you that.”

Kylo nodded. “Thank you.”

After a soft goodbye, Kylo waited for Tai to make his way out of the mansion, along the drive and toward the transport he hailed. He counted, over and over he counted, partly to center himself and partly to ascertain when it was safe to finally let it all loose.

Hopefully Tai was long gone by the time it all hit him, all completely fell in on him.

Into his hands, he screamed with everything in him. He gripped his hair against the pain of what he had done, of facing the truth of his horrible past, of seeing the aftermath of his bloody hands. He sucked in a breath and screamed again, felt the house shake and didn’t care.

Melanie ran in, assured him that Ben and Rey would be there soon. But all he could do was scream and hate himself so fucking much, hate who he was, hate the people who made him into a monster, and hate a past that just would not die.

He screamed again until he felt strong arms wrap around him, heard his brother’s gentle, soothing voice, felt Rey press up beside him.

Through his shaking and tears, he told them what happened. The breakup hurt, yes, but that wasn’t at all the full depth of it. The full depth was his guilt that stabbed him without mercy, mocking him with his bloodstained hands that would never come clean.

For a brief moment in time, he loved a man he once nearly killed who would hate him if he knew the truth.

~*~

At the emergency appointment, the next morning, Dr. Lo smiled. “The last time you were here together, there was a lot of pain but also a lot of healing. What brings you both here today?”

Kylo looked at Rey, and she took his hand and gave him a smile. Kylo nodded and looked at this therapist. “She’s here to support me. Because she knows. She understands what it’s like.”

He told Dr. Lo what happened, right up to his breakdown at the end. “By that point, the breakup itself didn’t even hurt so much anymore. The horror of what I’d done had replaced it. Still does. I liked Tai, I really did, maybe even loved him, I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel about love anymore, when what I’m feeling is too much and when it isn’t. But that moment…when I realized he was talking about me, hating me, and I’m right there being held in his arms. He liked me, cared about me, and I was his monster all along.” He shook himself out of that itchiness.

Dr. Lo was quiet a moment, either contemplating or giving him time to contemplate. “That’s quite a revelation, and quite a challenge put before you, to face the darkness of your past right in the arms of someone you loved and could have harmed. Do you still feel like a monster? Even now?”

Kylo shrugged. “How could I not? Not only did I nearly kill someone I wound up loving later, I messed up his life, messed up his mind. I know how it feels to have reminders of your worst moments, and I did that to him. I was his worst moment. I just feel like…maybe I’ll never stop being that monster, no matter how hard I try to work past it.”

“Kylo, do you remember the times we talked about forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness?”

Kylo shifted. “Yeah.”

“What do you think about forgiving yourself for this incident in your past?”

Kylo stared up at the ceiling and shook his head. “I was moving forward. It was like another world, another life. I almost started to actually believe it for a while there, that I was just Ky Solo, and Kylo Ren was nothing more than a nightmare. But it’s real again. And I hate it. I just want it to disappear, just let me… _live_ for once.” He shook his head. “What fucking right do I have to live when I took it from so many others?”

“Under Palpatine’s and Snoke’s command,” Rey said.

“But it was still my choice! Just like Kira said. In the end, I chose to do what I did.”

“Oh what the fuck does Kira know about any of this? So she had a zealot mother. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have some fucking villain in your head all your damn life. She doesn’t know what it was like to grow up on Exegol or as a space pirate. Fuck, everything I knew of the galaxy was forged with people who robbed for a living. We killed when we had to, to survive, but we did it. A lot. You? Your head was bashed in from day one, from the inside and the outside. What fucking hope did you have of _choice_ in any of it? It was all you knew.”

“Kylo,” Dr. Lo said, “Rey is correct in how your viewpoint was skewed during that time. Think about this, did you do what you could with what you knew at the time?”

Kylo sighed. “All I knew was combat. Subjugation. Conquering. I knew nothing about the galaxy except what I was supposed to know in order to be a weapon.” He shook his head. “At that time, I would have thought nothing of what Tai told me. I wouldn’t have even cared. Fuck, I would have told him it was what his people deserved for daring to go against us…”

The reality of who he was, how he thought, the doctrine he lived by, it struck him right in the gut once again.

“What’s coming up for you, Kylo?”

“What a horrible person I was,” he said, jaw quivering, as tears raced down his cheeks. “I look back now and I see it. I see it so clearly, where I couldn’t before, back then. I thought I was doing right. And now? That I’ve learned so much, learned how to love and be loved…I hate it! I hate seeing who I was! Knowing what I did! I just want to let the past die already! Just fucking kill it, and it does nothing but come back to haunt me!”

“What would it be like to kill the past?”

“It would be…freedom. Real freedom for the first time in my life. I want to…know myself, and know the galaxy, and…and…just have friends and relationships and not have it all come crashing the fuck down on me every twelve seconds.” He sniffled. “And what’s worse is feeling like I deserve exactly that! To suffer for every fucking life I’ve taken! To be punished instead of rewarded with this life and all the good things that can be found in it!” He felt Rey squeeze his hand and grip his bicep. He was glad she was there. She got it. Her hands were bloodstained, too.

“Kylo, do you believe that punishment and suffering will somehow ease the pain of what you’ve done?”

“It’s what I deserve!”

“Why? Tell me.”

“Because…because…I’ve hurt so many! I deserve to be hurt too!”

“Will your pain bring them back? Will it solve anything?”

“It’s what I _deserve!_ ”

“But what does it _solve?_ What does it fix?”

He had no answer, just pressed his fingers into his tear-soaked eyes. “I just want the pain to go away. Maybe if I got what I deserve…maybe then it could all be over, and I can be free. I just want to be free of this pain. The guilt, everything else. I’m so tired of hurting, Dr. Lo. I spent so much of my life hurting, I just want to know the good things for once. To feel it without it carrying such a…heavy fucking price. That’s why I wish I could just kill it, kill the past. Let who I was die and everything that happened. Every time I think I can, it comes rushing back up again.”

Dr. Lo paused, regarding him while Rey gently stroked his arm, her head hung. She was feeling it too.

With a breath, Dr. Lo said, “With a past as painful as yours, it’s so deeply understandable that you would want to erase it, start fresh, be free of it. At the same time, the past can have its uses. Pain tells us something is wrong, something that needs to be expressed or fixed. But it’s the lingering pain, the one that no longer serves us, no longer teaches us or helps us find our wounds that we need to work to relinquish, the overwhelming pain and sorrow that holds us back. Perhaps we can think of it differently. What if we honor the past as a factual document but focus on releasing the pain and any other strong emotions that are stopping you from living your life to its fullest?”

Kylo shook his head. “The more I try to cut myself off from it, the more it lashes right back at me. It’s like a monster I can’t slay. Like I’m cutting it with my lightsaber and it just won’t die.”

“So if you can’t kill the pain of the past with your lightsaber, or by any sort of force, how do you destroy it? How do you destroy an enemy that is only out to hurt you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Think of it strategically. In fact, this is a moment where what you have learned in the past might actually serve you.”

“What do you mean?”

“How were you taught to handle an insurmountable enemy?

Kylo thought a few moments. “If a planet wouldn’t submit, and their military force was actually stronger than ours, where we couldn’t just force our way into victory, then the next strategic solution would be to cut them off from their supply lines. Stop feeding the enemy, and they wither from within.” He shook himself again. “Thinking of it now, it sounds so cold and disgusting, where I remember first hearing it and thinking it made so much sense.”

“Of course, you weren’t allowed to feel back then, were you?”

Kylo shook his head. “No. Not at all. It’s all these feelings that are making everything so hard. Everything’s so _big_.”

“Your feelings are very strong, very deep. It’s overwhelming sometimes, isn’t it?

“Definitely.”

“So how can we defeat that enemy? That pain of your past that no longer serves you? Make it not so overwhelming. Can we starve it? Cut off its resources?”

“I…guess, but I don’t know how.”

“It needs power to survive. How can you give those feelings less power?”

Kylo shrugged. “I wish I knew.”

“Let’s explore it. Did you, as Kylo Ren, know what you were doing was wrong?”

Kylo sighed. “No. I thought it was what we were supposed to do.”

“Did you think about the pain you caused others?”

“No. Pain was normal. Expected. Life was expendable. There would always be new life to replace it, just like I could always be replaced with a new growth from a jar.”

“The person you were back then, there were a lot of things he didn’t know. And the man you are now is someone who knows a lot more. Do you think it’s fair to compare the two? Who you were and who you are now?”

Kylo thought about it. “Kylo Ren…was someone who was starving for everything, truly starving, in every way. Physically, for knowledge, for comfort, for…life. He lived his life inches away from death.”

“Knowing that, can you forgive this starving young man for the things he’s done?”

Kylo sighed, thinking about it. “I feel like, if it was someone I met and I knew all this about him, I could forgive him.”

“And what about you? Can you forgive yourself? Can you look at yourself and say, ‘This is who I was, and I did not know any better, and this is who I am now, a person who knows so much more, cares so much more, and does good with his hands instead of harms?’”

He thought about it. “Maybe.”

Dr. Lo smiled. “Our feelings are beautiful, Kylo, but sometimes they don’t know all the facts. So we have to remind them. Kylo Ren was a starving, abused, tortured, indoctrinated, and coerced young man who only knew one way of being and was not allowed to know any other. You will have to remind yourself of that when this guilt comes up. That is the way you starve the pain, take away its power. It won’t happen just once. It won’t happen right away. You may have to do it over and over and over until you no longer have to do it. But this is the truth. Your choices were not choices at all. And now that you are growing in so many ways, you realize the difference between right and wrong. You have empathy and compassion and you love and care. This is the man you are now. You need to remind yourself of that. Every day. Look yourself in the mirror and say it. Reread your journal. These are some of the ways you can take power away from those painful feelings.”

“I’m glad you sat with me,” Kylo said as he, Rey, and Ben rode the transport home. “I know Dr. Lo would understand me, but it just felt better to…”

“Know someone was there that would never judge you for your past?” Rey said. “Believe me, I get it.” She shrugged. “Maybe even learned a little for myself too. And honestly Ky, even if you did make those choices with full knowledge and intent, I like to believe that if you truly are sorry and you truly want to change and do better, you should be given the opportunity to do it.” She licked her lips and stared out the window. “My hand wasn’t forced like yours was, and I didn’t always act in defense. Far from it.”

“How do you cope with the guilt?”

Rey gave a soft huff of a laugh. “Not always well, but…” She squeezed Ben’s hand. “It helps to have someone believe in the best in you, and helps to know that I’ve done better, I’m doing better. I put my life on the line to help a galaxy full of strangers. I realized that life was precious, was good and fragile, so easily destroyed and irreplaceable, so it had to be treasured. There’s so much good in life, and everyone should get to experience it. The more I learn that, the more I embrace it, the more I’m able to stay away from the path I once led. And I can’t erase what I did, to anyone, but at least in getting rid of ugly grandpa and his bullshit team of idiots, I know I created a space for people to live. I hold on to that when the guilt creeps up, when it really hurts.” She smiled and kissed Ben’s cheek. “He helps with the rest.”

Ben kissed her head. “Well, I believe in you, the both of you. I always knew you were good people deep in your hearts. You just needed help seeing it.”

Kylo leaned his head against the window. It was true. Ben saw the good in him and allowed it to grow. If Kylo was ever going to put Ren to rest, he had to continue to believe in that good in himself too.

~*~

That night, Kylo sat with his journal. He flipped through the entries dating back months. There were so few good things to say back when he started it, but as time went on, so much more filled the spaces. He was watching himself grow through his own words, and when he finally reached the last entry, he felt he knew himself a little more.

But mostly, he felt empowered.

Kylo Ren did awful things, but he wasn’t an awful person. He just knew only one way to be.

If Kylo had met his old self now, he realized he’d feel pity for him. He’d want to take him home, take care of him, teach him the right way of living, feed him in all the ways the starving boy needed to be fed.

He’d take care of him, just like Ben had taken care of him.

Kylo opened his journal to a fresh entry and wrote:

“Let the lingering, pointless pain of the past die, take away its power if you have to. It’s the only way to forgive yourself and be who you were meant to be.”

A week later, when the massive pain of his breakup and revelation had eased, he ordered a box full of sex toys for himself with downloadable instructions for Melanie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I know I made poor Ky go through ow again, but it's not so much the ow but how he responds to it that's showing how much he's growing. That's what I wanted to showcase here, that even after last chapter's massive ouchie, he's learning, growing, becoming stronger in self regulating and facing the crazy "normal" world from a center of growing strength. Our giant man is growing up!
> 
> Okay, next chapter I promise some sweetness for Ky! We're actually going to start off in a familiar spot from Galaxy, the day Kylo punched the wall in Ben's office then gave him a painting to stick over it. If you recall this is the day Ben finally finds the preliminary data for the cure, and Kylo realizes he has real hope for the first time. He will also have to face some truths as he decides where his life will go, and runs across someone who will change everything. Stay tuned!
> 
> PS you've officially caught up to my un/partially written chapters! I will do my best to stay on the weekly schedule, but with a project coming up and so much more to explore, forgive me if chapters come out a little late!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	16. The Strangest Stroll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Kylo broke into a smile, his fullest, deepest smile that Mom always said made his cute little dimples stand out._
> 
> While Kylo assesses his next steps in life, hope comes in many forms, including someone special.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is our poor Ky finally going to catch a break? Well, there should be no CW's this time (unless you count Ky reviewing all the ways in which he screwed up in the past.) Just a small bowl of angst and all the tooth-rotting fluff you can stand!

The situation with Tai continued to weigh on Kylo weeks later, even after multiple appointments and hard work at self-forgiveness. On top of that, other problems were piling up.

Thanks to his stupid math with letters class, he’d spent the past week stressed out as fuck, not fully grasping the concept. Ben, dark circles under his eyes from all the late nights on the genetics problem, kept working with him every day. His brother was patient as always, but Kylo?

He. Was. Not.

That compounded with a secret of his—wanting to drop some of the science or math classes in order to enter the theater program—was wearing him thin. And piled on top of that was the continuous dread of whether he’d live to see graduation.

All these new directions, new friends, a new outlook on life, finally experiencing what it was to just be human—all of it could be gone in minutes. Sometimes he had to force himself to believe in his dreams, believe that he could make it to see them to their fruition.

So when he punched yet another hole in the wall of Ben’s office, it was a long time coming. But he should have taken it to his rage room.

And Ben was so used to it by now, on Kylo’s offer to fix it, he responded, “I think we’re all out of patching material. We’ll whip some up tomorrow.”

After a well-needed cookie, Kylo told Ben why he was so upset—getting a 95 on a test after studying so damn hard for it. Ben reminded him he didn’t have to be perfect, but it was so hard when your options growing up were perfection or failure, and failure equaled pain.

As usual, Ben held nothing but praise and eased his nerves, and that gave Kylo the opening he needed to test the waters. “Maybe I’ll even take up acting at school, I don’t know. Is that okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”

Kylo shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not science or math or anything.”

“Kylo, this is _your_ life. You do what _you_ want with it.”

“Just thought maybe…you wouldn’t want me to do that.”

“What I want is for you to be happy. You spent most of your life miserable. This is your time to make a life that’s yours. If it excites you, do it. We don’t always have to be into the same things. It’s okay.”

Kylo was back to smiling. “Okay.” That went well so far. If he got into the program, he could tell Ben about having to drop either the science or the math classes then. Maybe he wouldn’t take it as bad as Kylo thought.

After chatting about his newest painting from art therapy and gifting it to Ben, he sat back and chatted with his brother. It was hard to explain, but these moments were special to him, when he was in Ben’s world, just sharing the space, engaged with one another even as Ben worked. It reminded him of when he was doing remote school, how he felt so important to be in Ben’s office, and how much _fun_ they had together.

Then Ben stood, his eyes widening, light glimmering from the very depth of his soul.

Kylo tilted his head. “Ben?”

Ben’s mouth opened and closed a few times. “We…we found it.”

Excitement infused with adrenaline sprung Kylo to his feet. “The cure?”

Ben was still trying to get his lips to work. “P-preliminary, it’s preliminary, but this is the scenario. This it, this one, right here!” After an excited call to Torbin, Ben pointed to him. “Kylo! Pack your boredom bag. We’re going to the office.”

~*~

Kylo jammed his art supplies, plenty of dura-paper, his journal, and some resistance bands into his bag before racing down to the transport. He loved heading to SOLO Corp’s headquarters, especially because Ben let him roam the warehouse and pick whatever he wanted. The parachutes were his favorite, the flavor not only exquisite but also reminding him of victory.

He had given everything to ensure Rey and Ben could defeat Palpatine, and then all he could do was wait. Nibbling on that parachute that saved his life down the pit, when Ben and Rey told him they had won, it was the greatest moment he’d ever had until that point. His old life was over, his torment was over, the war was over, and he would get to go home to a family, a real family.

Every parachute he ate from then on always drew him back to that glorious time.

On the ride to the headquarters, Ben chattered on and on about his findings and how everything was supposed to work. Kylo couldn’t grasp half of it, and Rey just kept smiling and nodding, though she probably understood just as much as he did. Regardless, his thoughts were elsewhere.

This was it. If this worked, if this really was a cure, then that changed everything. Kylo could have a real life without a specific expiration date. He could finish school and graduate, take on what the next decades held for him, not sit around waiting for the condition to strike yet again.

He and Rey would be saved. After saving the galaxy, they would finally be saved from their own mortal enemy. And Ben would be saved too. This project took so much out of him, on top of keeping Kylo from perpetual disaster.

The trio could finally rest. Kylo wasn’t sure what that looked like, but he was excited to find out.

Later, as he peered through the observation glass at Ben down below in the clean room, he couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of finality about things. Whether it was a lack of a proper education, the endless blows he’d taken in his life, or his malformation affecting his brain, he had to come to terms with the fact that he would never be beside his hero, down there, in that place, performing the scientific magic that his brother made look so easy. The pressure from the previous school was off, but even at the lighter-paced school, he still struggled to grasp the math and science needed to be just like Ben.

Maybe it really was time to look elsewhere, find out what he was supposed to do in this life of his, one that may be long after all.

If the theater program took him in, maybe he’d focus there. He really enjoyed being on stage. At one time he was in the center of hundreds glaring at him, mocking him, taunting him before his cruel masters. Now the hundreds would want him to succeed instead of taunting him to fail. The mere idea of it sparked something in his heart.

The night grew long, and there was only so much working out, drawing, and journaling he could do before he just needed some space. After seeing what Ben could do with his scientific knowledge, little things like take down a Star Destroyer and defeat the most dangerous Sith in the galaxy, the fact that Kylo could never measure up started to grate on him. He needed some fresh air and a change of scenery.

SOLO Corp was in the middle of nowhere, so he took a transport into the nearest town. Maybe he could grab a pizza and a soda, or just roam around and think.

Kylo stuffed two slices into his mouth and chased it with his favorite fruity fizzy before wandering, taking in the sights, the shops, the cafes. He spent twenty years seeing the same thing over and over. The only change in pace would be the Star Destroyer and some rare battles that took place on the ground, but he never really got to explore. This freedom, to go at his own pace and find all these wonderful new things, it filled him in ways he never thought possible.

And if this genetics thing worked, he could do this all the time, for years, across the galaxy. Just explore, see what’s out there, really get a feel for what he liked, what called to him, find out who he was.

Because now there would be time, something he was only borrowing before.

He stopped outside a building with large windows and peered inside. Looked like some sort of martial arts school, similar to the classes Rey taught but without the lightsabers or Force sensitivity. A group of students sat watching a woman at the front while she talked, hands gripping a man’s uniform. Moments later, she shifted and tumbled him to the ground. The students lit up, impressed.

Kylo smiled. He remembered how thrilled he was when he received demonstrations from the guards, his eyes lighting with glee to see such simple maneuvers overpower an adversary. Not much in his miserable life excited him, but when he got to learn something new by way of combat, the light inside of him switched on.

Lost in that memory, he was yanked out by a fluttering of movement in the school. The woman, perhaps the teacher, was waving his way. He looked around and behind him and saw no one. His eyes back on her, she waved her arm wildly toward herself. Was she…beckoning him?

Kylo pointed to himself, and she nodded, huge smile, even more vigorously flagging him forward. What the hell? Why? Did he do something wrong?

Apprehensive, he opened the door and leaned in.

“Come on in!” the teacher called. “You can try out a class for free or just observe.”

He stepped inside but wasn’t at all interested in what they had to offer. “I…I wasn’t looking to join.”

“Well, I’m a firm believer that martial arts are a skill everyone should learn. Why not give us a try? Did I mention freeeee?”

He gave a quick laugh but edged his foot toward the door. “I’m a…former soldier. I kind of know all this stuff already.” That was the easiest explanation for what he was.

The teacher got even happier. “Perfect! You can help me demonstrate!”

Kylo blinked. “What?”

“My student here is incredible as a demo partner, but I think the class would be even more impressed to see me show them how to take a guy as big as you down.” She turned to her class. “What do I always say? It’s not your size, strength, or stature that counts, it’s—”

The class finished. “—how you apply the technique.”

Kylo looked around and gave another quick laugh. This was not at all how he expected this night to go. “Uh, seriously?”

“Absolutely!” the teacher said. She was so enthusiastic. “Please, if you wouldn’t mind helping me out. A former soldier could really add a lot to this class.”

Kylo really wasn’t sure what to do, but he stepped forward. What a weird turn of events. The woman waved him over and he stood across from her, sweeping his eyes over the students. It wasn’t unlike when he helped Rey with her pop-up Force classes; it just wasn’t anything he expected when he aimed to take a walk.

“What’s your name?” the teacher asked.

“Kyl—um, Ky. Ky Solo.”

Eyes lit up around the rooms, hands raised, and one young man just plain called out, “Are you the guy from the SOLO commercials? The one who faced Palpatine?”

Huge smiles, enamored eyes, and he felt so damn nervous he was ready to just run out of there. He never expected them to recognize him like that. That sort of thing always made him nervous. How long would it be before he was tied to his former life as Supreme Leader and hated and attacked for it, not unlike the first time he met Kira or his close encounter with Tai?

The teacher kept that same enthusiasm as before, no more, no less. “Well alright, we have a celebrity soldier helping us today, perfect! I’m Arbun, and if we could all just focus once again, I’m sure Ky wouldn’t mind letting me demonstrate that move on him. But first, are you injured? Do you have any residual injuries from the time you served?” Her eyes went to his scar.

Ugh, that fucking deformity. “No, that’s…don’t worry about that. I can take pretty much anything.”

“Perfect. Ready to help a simple martial arts teacher out with a demo?”

“Um, sure, but I’m ah…little big though, not sure what you just did would work on someone like me.”

Arbun clasped her hands together. “I’m so glad you brought that up! Now, Biin was my size and was a little girthy, similar to me. Ky here is clearly a giant—in a good way!” She smiled, and Ky couldn’t help but chuckle. “So what do I have to leverage when applying the same move?”

A hand went up. “His center of gravity.”

“Exactly! Every person has a center of gravity in their stance, and as you can see…”

Kylo listened as she spoke, wondering what was going to come next. She grabbed his shirt and kept talking while her warm, soft leg slipped against his. That’s about when he lost track of what she was saying, but he had other concerns. He didn’t want to embarrass her, but he was well trained enough to know how to get out of pretty much any move she was about to put on—

A push and a twist had him on the floor, her body pinning him down. Well, he wasn’t expecting _that_. Not without being quick enough to counter. He shouldn’t have let himself get distracted.

“See?” Arbun said. “We applied the same principles, and even though he’s far bigger and stronger, I can still take him down.”

“Only one problem,” Kylo said, because he could see it, and it was only fair to speak the truth. Students learning combat should always know the truth. “You left yourself open.”

Kylo shifted his hips, pushed off from the ground, and tangled Arbun into a grappling move that had her pinned on the floor. The gasp from the students had him instantly regretting that choice. She was so nice, too. Why did he have to ruin her class?

Panting beneath him, she chuckled. “Well, he does have a point! This is a bit more advanced, we were really only going to focus on the first maneuver tonight, but he is right. If your assailant knows combat maneuvers also, he could slip out of that if you’re not watching—”

Arbun leveraged a leg, a hip thrust, and a slip under his arm, then shifted again until he fell flat to the floor. She pinned him with his head turned aside.

Shit. He couldn’t get up.

Arbun leaned down. “I hate doing this to you, but can you get out of this?”

Kylo strained, and well fuck, she had him. She fucking had him. Add that to the list of his incessant failures as a warrior. “No,” he bit out and resisted drawing up the Force to shove her off. This was embarrassing enough.

She let him go, and he looked up to an extended hand and a smiling, warm face. He didn’t want to take it at first, but she seemed so sweet, no malice or laughter or smugness in her eyes. Relenting, he grasped it, and she pulled him to his feet before turning to her class.

“That was of course a far more advanced move, which we will learn once we master some of the basics first, but again, you see how it’s a matter of leveraging what you have against your opponent’s weakest points.

His fists clenched, and he wanted to scream that he wasn’t weak, but the eyes of the class were on him and they…weren’t mocking him. At all. They were so _thrilled._

Arbun dusted herself off. “So let’s go back to the first move and get a good mastery of that. Ky? Do you mind letting me show them one more time, this time in slow motion?”

Getting thrown on the floor brought back too many terrible memories, but she seemed so genuine and the class so excited to learn. Fuck. Suppressing a sigh, he smiled. “Sure.”

This time slower, and he expected it. Once he was on the ground, she had her hand out to lift him up. She was impressively strong yet curvy and soft. Probably about Rey’s height, maybe an inch or two bigger but not more. Basically just about the opposite of Dayn.

But Arbun didn’t look like she’d be hiding beneath anyone’s arm.

“So class,” she said, “partner up, and Ky and I will go around and help you round out your technique, that okay with you Ky?”

Why not? He did it all the time in Rey’s classes. “Yeah, sure.”

Her attention was finally off of him and on her class, but the students were still in awe. He had to tell them to show him what they could do so he could keep their focus on the actual training.

How the hell he wound up teaching a class after only planning to go for a walk, that he would never understand. But here he was.

Finally, the class started clearing out, leaving him with the opportunity to head back to SOLO Corp. He tried not to interrupt the goodbyes between Arbun and her students (while fielding tons of his own) but eventually squeezed in. “Um, that was fun, but I’m gonna get going.”

Arbun pointed and shook her head. “ _You_ have to let me repay you for working for me tonight. There’s a tea shop across the street. Anything you want, it’s on me.”

Kylo waved her off. He really didn’t need to be paid and could buy whatever he wanted with his credit account. “I’m fine, really.”

“Nope! I always repay a good deed. Just wait here, I have to change and close up shop.”

Kylo opened his mouth to protest, but she ran off to the locker rooms. He didn’t want to be rude and just leave her, so he waited.

Thankfully, she was quick and led him outside. With a wave of her comm, the gates closed over her school. Big smile and a deep breath, she pointed toward the tea shop. “Shall we?”

He knew he should protest and just go back. But…fuck it. “Yeah, okay.”

They darted across the street and entered the soothing little cafe. Filled with exotic plants and playing a sweet flute tune, their menu was an extensive array of teas he’d never heard of before. Arbun suggested a Yavin IV blend, and they ordered a tray of biscuits with some type of jam.

While they waited at the counter, she looked up at him. “I’m sorry if you felt I went a little too far when I pinned you. I just couldn’t let the class think I wasn’t capable of getting out of it. My reputation pays the bills, know what I mean?”

He could understand that. His reputation was once a matter of life and death. “It’s fine. Just caught me off guard. I didn’t think you could get out of that.”

Arbun smiled. “I’ve been training in Joustava Kasi since I was a kid. It’s a street fighter derivative of Teras Kasi. I’d be impressed to see a hold I can’t get out of. But you were right, I was leaving myself open. If I wasn’t addressing the class, I would have been a little tighter on the hold. I can tell you must have done a lot of grappling in your training.”

Kylo nodded. “Oh yeah, all kinds of moves, from every spectrum. Learned some Teras Kasi too, actually.”

Her smile grew wide. “You should help me teach my class more often, then. The students clearly like you.”

Kylo shrugged, blushing as he scraped his boot along the tile below. “They like me from the commercial.”

“Or from saving the galaxy. You know, there’s that.”

He grinned, and just as he was about to respond, their tray came out. Arbun sought a table amidst twirling vines and strange, dangling flowers. A single candle lit the little cove made by the greenery.

“You ever have _dorva_ before?” Her smile brought out her rounded cheeks.

Damn, sitting and finally getting a look at her without all the expectations of the class, he couldn’t help thinking she was pretty damn cute. He wondered what it would be like to hug someone with such soft curves. “No. Just looks like cookies and jam.”

“There’s a whole ceremony involved. It traces back to the Camorbrian northern tribes of the Chim’ii System who used the ceremony as an offering of peace between the different groups.” She slid the long handle of a tiny spoon along the length of her hand and dipped it into the green jam. Every move she made as she spread it upon the biscuit was a work of slow and delicate art, a dance with just hands and utensils. She followed in the same manner with a long stick that dusted a green powder onto the jam, then she rolled the edge of the biscuit in a white dust. This she presented on a tiny plate with a bow of her head.

Kylo grasped the plate and smiled. “That was…incredible. I’ve never seen anyone serve food like that before.”

Arbun blushed with another one of those sweet smiles. “The Camorbrian tribes are typically at war. A lot of what we know about combat has its start in their teachings. They fight hard, but when they are making peace, it is rare enough and important enough to require ceremony, even the simple serving of biscuits.” She bit into her own.

“I never knew that. There’s…a lot of what I don’t know. I didn’t really get a very good education growing up.” And he knew he had to stop there. His altercation with Kira taught him to be cautious about his past. “I’m in school now though, university, learning a lot. My first year.”

“Really? You seem kind of older.”

“I’m twenty-one, but uh, just starting school now. It’s complicated.”

Arbun nodded. “Did you grow up a soldier?”

“…You could say that.”

“So now that you’re out, you’re making up for what you missed in the past, right?”

Kylo smiled. “Something like that.” She smiled at him again, and fuck was it warming something in him. Damnit. He didn’t need this so close to his debacle with Dayn and fallout with Tai.

Why? Every time someone smiled at him like that, he turned into pathetic mush. And he only wound up getting hurt in the end.

“I hope you didn’t mind helping me with the class.” Arbun took a sip of her Yavin tea. “I really appreciate it.”

“Not…quite what I had in mind tonight, but no, it’s fine. The warrior ways are in my blood. I train just about every day.”

“Even now?”

“Yeah. I love it. It’s a part of who I am.”

“I could sense that about you.” Arbun scrunched her nose with a big, toothy smile. “Can I be honest about something?”

Crap. “Sure, what?”

“I don’t usually pull random strangers into my class and force them to stay.”

“You didn’t force me.” Really, she couldn’t have, but he didn’t let that on. “I wanted to help.”

“And you were incredible, really. But the truth is, IIIII…just didn’t want to let you go.”

Kylo quirked his head. “Huh?”

“I saw you looking in, and if I didn’t have a class, I would have run out there and asked for your comm link.” She shrugged. “Making you stay was the only way I could hang onto you long enough to actually talk to you.”

In a world where everyone was so damn subtle, was she stating outright that she was attracted to him or was she alluding to something else he didn’t yet understand? Damnit! “Ummmm…”

Arbun laughed softly and shook her head. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I’d rather you just come out and say it now, spare us both any awkwardness. I’ll still buy your tea for helping me tonight.”

Kylo was still not entirely sure where this was going. “I’m confused.”

She patted his hand, still smiling, and damn her touch was soft and warm. “It’s okay, really. I won’t take offense.”

He briefly shook his head. “I don’t follow.”

“I’m no Galaxy Films starlet, believe me, I get it. Hey, it was worth a shot.”

This. Just. Kept. Getting. More. Confusing. He let out a short growl and shook off that itchiness inside his bones.

Her brow rose, smile growing huge. “Okay, that was not a reaction I’ve ever seen before. You know you look adorable when you do that?”

Whoa, park the Skybike. She said he was adorable? He stuck his hands up, needing to get clear on this conversation. “Arbun, please, just listen to me a moment.”

Her expressions dropped. She already seemed defeated before he even said anything. “Ky, you don’t have to explain, I get it.”

“Arbun, I don’t. I don’t get it. I’m…” He growled and shook again. “I’m not good with social things yet. I’m learning, I’m trying, really hard, all the time, but where I came from…” He sighed. How much did he reveal? He always seemed to do everything wrong. He was punished for revealing too much and not enough at the same time.

Maybe it was just better to weed out anyone that couldn’t handle him, even if that meant everyone. “I was never taught how to be with other people. Only combat. I’m being completely honest when I say I have no idea what we’re talking about. I’m not even sure why you suddenly seem upset.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m…not good at…people.” He met her eyes, hoping she could see the sincerity in them. “I really want to know what you’re talking about. Please be clear, just…let it all out. Say it direct.”

Stars, she had to think he was a friggin weirdo by now. His therapy sessions prepared him to at least talk on his behalf, but he was still having so much trouble understanding all these subtleties in communication.

But she wasn’t looking at him like he was weird at all. She frowned softly, as if reading, understanding, things he couldn’t do in return. Then that smile came back. “Okay, I’ll lay it all out. Ky, I think you’re really attractive—and I swear it has nothing to do with the commercial—and I’d love to get to know you more. Go on a date. Besides this, which technically I dragged you to.” She sighed. “I really just want to get to know you.”

Ohhhh he finally understood, and he felt his cheeks warm. He let out a soft laugh of relief and surprise. “Oh, okay. Think I got it now.” He tried to hide his incessant blushing beneath his swirls of hair. Ah shit, he was going on full giddy.

Arbun ducked her head to see him under his mop. “I just want to know if you feel the same way. If you want to get to know me, too.”

He lifted his head up, mouth open, feeling the heat of his cheeks burn. “Yeah, I mean yeah, I…” And he did. He really did. Only after Dayn and Tai… He receded, slouching in his chair. “I, um…just don’t know if I should.”

She paused, then said, “Well I have it on good authority that everyone loves me—parents, kids, grouchy sisters, senile grandmothers, the works! You have nothing to worry about.” She was grinning to hide a certain level of disappointment he could sense.

“It’s not you. I…I like you, I’m…having fun here, back there too. I just…” He forced out a breath. How did he explain this? Maybe truth was best. He would love to get to know her, but she had to know what a fuckup he was. “I just got out of two relationships that I screwed up. They were both special in their own way, but the first…it really hurt. I just don’t know if I can be a good boyfriend. I don’t know how. I don’t want to scare you off too.”

Arbun laughed. “Oh holy hell, it takes a lot to scare me. What happened?”

Kylo didn’t know why he felt so comfortable doing so, but he spilled everything about Dayn, enunciating the parts he knew he screwed up on. Then he talked about how he hid things from Tai until it was too late.

And Arbun? She just listened. She asked questions, prompted him when he didn’t know how to continue, and just took an interest in all of it.

Kylo sighed at the end. “So now you see, I’m really not good at this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be good at it. I don’t want to hurt you, too.” At that moment, he really wanted to leave. He already screwed up his chances with Arbun by being honest. There was no sense sticking around someone who was probably terrified of him now.

A warm hand clasped over his, and his eyes sprung up to hers. He didn’t see fear or loathing, just a woman concerned for him, remaining just as steadfast as before. And her hand felt so good. It wasn’t delicate and tiny like Dayn’s, or large and rough like Tai’s. There was strength, but there was softness.

“I’m not afraid,” was all she said, and in that moment it meant everything.

But he had to be honest. “I am. I can’t hurt someone else.”

Arbun ducked her head and kept smiling. “Kylo, I tangled your ass on the ground and you couldn’t get back up. Believe me, I’m not afraid.”

Maybe she should be. And maybe he had to lay out even more truth. That was where he fucked up with Tai, and it was just better to get it all out from the beginning. If she had to leave because of it, let her leave now before things got in too deep. “I’m Force sensitive.”

Arbun shrugged. “I figured. I saw the commercial. I’m not, but it doesn’t bother me.” She grinned. “Actually, it’s really exciting!”

She was just not getting it. He was too dangerous for her. “Dark Side. Dark Side of the Force.”

What the fuck, she looked even more intrigued! She leaned in closer. “You mean Force-choking and shooting lightning from your fingertips like Galaxy Wars 6?”

“Exactly. Well, I don’t really know how to shoot lightning yet, I just kind of started feeling that across my fingertips, but yeah. Bad stuff. Dangerous stuff.”

“You have _got_ to show me! Maybe not the Force-choke, unless someone’s being a real prick, but you have to show me the other stuff.”

Kylo sighed. “Arbun, I’m dangerous! Don’t you get it? I’ll only hurt you.”

Her soft fingertip slid up and down his finger. Damnit! Damnit damnit damnit it wasn’t fair! Why couldn’t he just date like any normal person? Why couldn’t he just take her hand and walk with her and talk with her and just be a _human being_ for once?!

Her eyes rose to meet his. “Do you want to hurt me?”

What the fuck? “No! Never! I don’t want to hurt anyone, not unless I’m trying to protect someone. I don’t—I would never—no!”

“Thennnn don’t. Problem solved.”

Kylo sighed in utter exasperation. She was making this too simplistic. “What if I do so by accident? Without meaning to?”

“What, do you sneeze lightning out of your nose?”

He stared at her, mouth open, then burst into giggles just as she did. And just like that, the tension was broken.

Arbun gathered his hand in both of hers, and his heart leapt. “Ky, you’re so worried about what could go wrong. There’s also a really big chance things can go right.”

He wished. “I’m…not always so lucky.”

She gathered his fingers in one hand and placed her soft palm on top. “It’s not luck. It’s work. A lot of listening and understanding, trial and error, even screwing up and forgiveness. Look, whatever happened between you and your exes, that’s not going to be every one of your relationships. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. It all depends on what you put into it. Would you like to at least try? Can we give it a try?”

Kylo just breathed, stared at her and breathed. He wanted that, more than anything he wanted that. He finally drew up his other hand and joined it with the others. “I’d like that.”

The warm smile that spread across her face brightened his heart. “Good!” She pulled her hands from his but held one, examining it. “Because I have got to get a feel from these suckers at some point—you are _huge!_ ”

Kylo chuckled, then broke into a laugh, his heart loosening and freeing itself from the chains clamped around it after the incidents with Dayn and Tai.

~*~

He sent a message apologizing to Ben for not staying, saying he’d take the public transport home. Once he mentioned Arbun, Ben told him to say no more, that it was a wonderful day all around.

Kylo was starting to agree as he walked down the strip alongside Arbun.

“I practice every day,” she said. “I know I don’t look it, but—” She shrugged. “—I love martial arts, but I also love food. And well hell, I think you have to enjoy life while you can. Only a few months ago we all almost got taken over by Emperor Palpatine again if not for you and your family, so the way I see it, you have to just live life and enjoy it.”

“I love food too. I like crab. Do you like crab?”

“Love crab.”

“When my brother saved me, we got into a fight over dinner, because I had never tasted anything good before and kind of wanted his dinner, too. And he felt bad after and gave me half of his can of crab. It was soooo good.”

“You ever try _durvish_ crab?”

“No, what’s that?”

“Huge legs, big as your arm.”

Kylo spun toward her. “Nooo!”

“Yep! Come from Durania, that mostly ocean planet?”

Durania…he briefly thought of Kira and her incredible hair, but it was Arbun that was currently stealing his heart.

“Well,” she said, “when we go on a date, I will take you to my favorite crab place.”

Alright, he already couldn’t wait for this date. His cheeks warmed, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Um…when do you want to go? On a date?”

Her smile made his heart flutter. “You free this Zhellday?”

He was now. “Sure.” But there was one more consideration. “Um, I have to check with my brother though. He usually double dates with me so I don’t do something stupid.” Like say that. Damnit!

Arbun grasped a pole and swung around on it until she met up with him again. “You haven’t done anything stupid so far.”

“I’m just really good at it.”

She stared at him for a moment and burst into laughter, dragging him along with it. When they calmed, she touched his cheek. “I don’t believe that for one second.”

He didn’t mean to audibly gasp, but that sensation, that warmth, the spark of delight, it just grasped his soul. He closed his eyes, trying to still the sudden well of excitement.

She didn’t remove her fingers. “Ky, you okay? You’re trembling.”

Ugh, how did he answer? “Um, being touched like this…in kindness…it’s overwhelming for someone like me.” He swallowed. “But please don’t stop.”

In response, she touched her other hand to his cheek, and he couldn’t still his shaking breaths. Damnit, how could he still feel so overwhelmed like this, still so touch-starved after everything he’d done with his exes?

Arbun’s eyes were nothing but soft concern. “What do you mean, someone like you? A soldier?”

There was only so much he could say. And that’s why he needed Ben, because he didn’t know when to shut up. “Someone raised to kill—to fight!” FUCK! Why did he have to say that?! He frowned and started to pull away, but Arbun just held him a little tighter and gently shushed him.

“Ky, it’s okay.” She brushed her fingertips across his forehead, and oh if she knew how that made him feel. “It sounds like…you had a really rough start in life.”

Kylo swallowed. “Yeah,” he whispered.

To her credit, she didn’t withdraw, didn’t rear back or bear a look that said she needed to escape this craziness. She just remained steadfast and gentle. “Then you tell me what you need. If you ever need me to stop, or start—” She smiled, bringing the same to his lips. “—you tell me. Don’t be afraid. I won’t be afraid of you, and you don’t be afraid of me. Always tell me what you need.”

Kylo’s mouth opened, and he didn’t know why he said it, or if he could have stopped it, but it came and he couldn’t erase or take it back. “I just need to be loved.”

He felt so stupid, damnit! Again why Ben needed to be with him! Now he’d scare her away for sure. His feelings were too intense for anyone to deal with, especially himself.

And what did she do? She pulled him down, and with a smile nudged her nose against his. “Well it’s a good thing I like you so much already.”

She…wasn’t intimidated by all his stupid faults. She was confident and solid, and oh so incredibly gentle with him. How was any of this possible? Or real?

Kylo broke into a smile, his fullest, deepest smile that Mom always said made his cute little dimples stand out. With a soft laugh, he just…fell for her.

He walked her all the way home after touring the strip, transport be damned. She didn’t mind, and he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could. She made him laugh, oh damn did she make him laugh. And when they passed by dark alleys, both their eyes alerted to scan for potential danger. Rey did say he needed a warrior beside him. Maybe this was a good sign.

At the entrance to her building, they scanned each other’s comms to exchange info. Finally, as the two moons shone above them, Kylo shuffled and stuffed his fingertips in his pockets. “Guess this is goodnight.”

“Stupid time,” she said, “sticking its nose in where it doesn’t belong and getting in the way of our conversation.”

Kylo chuckled and rocked on his heels a bit. Would he always be so awkward around dates? “I’ll call you. I can’t wait to talk to you again.”

“Same here, cutie pie. So let it be known for the record that I’m a hugger, but if that’s too much for you right now, just say the word and we’ll…hand-hug. Or thumb-hug, I’m not picky. Hair hug?”

Kylo burst into giggles, loving her humor, and finally calmed. “I wouldn’t mind a hug.” He really, REALLY wouldn’t mind a hug.

“Hug for the win!” She spread her arms, he spread his, and she closed the distance in two quick steps.

Ohhhhhh fuck, she was so soft, her hair so sweetly scented, fluffy against his nose. Dayn had been so tiny, Tai hard and rocky, Kira and Rey so warrior-trim, but Arbun was just endless comfort.

Fuck, this felt so good! Fuck fuck fuck!

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

“Don’t ever let go.” And it was yet one more of his stupid responses, but it was the only one that was the truth. After losing Dayn and Tai so suddenly and finally having to make peace with his loss of Rey, Arbun’s comfort was his life-raft in a Kef Bir sea of emotion.

And so she held him. He didn’t know for how long, nor did he care. Her presence, her warmth, her touch, it was redemption in a simple gesture. It was proof that he wasn’t nearly as damaged or a failure as he thought. It was a statement that he had a right to be happy, a right to feel comfort, to be wanted and adored.

Sure, he had only just met her. And he knew better than to expect all of that out of one person, especially the first day. But that hug spoke to him, touched all the aching spots on him screaming to be soothed.

When an eternity passed, he was the one to let her go, because she stayed true to what he asked and wouldn’t let him loose when he so desperately needed her. Tipping his face down, feeling so warm and delightfully dazed, he had only one thing to say. “I liked that hug.”

Arbun smiled. “I did too.”

They said their goodnights, and Kylo stood beneath the glow of the two moons while still staring at her building, feeling good for the first time in a while.

He could finally be with someone again. And Ben was close to giving him a chance to possibly make a real life with that someone.

That night, he wrote in his journal: Who is Kylo? Kylo is someone who has hope.

~*~

Kylo stood outside Arbun’s building with his hands stuffed in his pockets, trying so hard to contain his excitement. They had chatted all week by comm, and he fell deeper for her with every conversation. She was so different from Dayn, not at all awkward or shy. Nor was she aloof and abstract like Tai. Arbun had an exuberance that coaxed him out of his shell.

Now, as he stood with his hair styled to perfection yet again (and no makeup to hide his scars after another argument with Ben over it,) he couldn’t wait to be in her presence, feel her essence and aura that radiated around her like a summer day.

Ben and Rey waited behind him by the transport. Kylo wasn’t sure he needed them with him for his first date with Arbun, but he wanted them there. After everything that happened with his exes, his confidence in himself was so damn low, and he really didn’t want to screw up this relationship, too.

Arbun popped out of her building with a huge smile, arms wide. She said she was a hugger, and for that he was glad. Still a bit awkward, he stretched his arms out, hoping that was the right response, and she leapt right into them.

Ohhhh how did this feel so nice? He had only hugged her once, but it was already like coming home. He tried hard not to linger, to hold her for longer than was appropriate, but damn, he didn’t want to let her go. And she didn’t let him go. Still, even from the night they met, she was making good on never letting him go.

It was Rey’s cough that broke the hold, but it was Kylo that initiated it, because Arbun wouldn’t, and for that alone he liked her even more.

Arbun tilted her head back to gaze at him. “So glad to see this face of yours in person for a change. Missed you.”

She missed him! Oh, she was so sweet. “I missed you too.” Then he remembered his drama therapy. “Um, let me introduce you to my brother and…Rey. Guys, this is Arbun.”

Ben was nearly behind Rey as he gave a scrunchy-eyed smile with a wave. Rey gave her usual cock of her head and half smile with a hand on her hip.

Arbun stomped over in a manner Kylo didn’t understand, stopped, and thrust out her hands. “I am _fangirling_ something terrible right now! You’re Rey! You’re really Rey!”

Rey raised one eyebrow, flashed her eyes toward Kylo in confusion, then back to Arbun. “Yyyyyyeah, that’s me.”

Arbun crossed her arms. “That’s you? Are you kidding me? You are an inspiration for all us warrior women everywhere! That commercial? Watching you kick those guards’ asses? I mean, you just tore ass! Like a professional. A professional ass-tearer.” Arbun laughed like she couldn’t believe her luck. “It was incredible! I can’t believe I’m actually getting to meet you!”

Rey glanced from Kylo to Ben and back to Arbun, not entirely sure what to do with all this. “Um…thank you, I didn’t know I was so popular.”

“You have no idea how many girls come to my school telling me they want to learn to fight like Rey on TV. Kylo tells me you teach popup Force classes, too?”

“Yeah, um, not all the time. I’ve done a few.”

Arbun kept talking with her hands. “You _have_ to come by my school one day. You should have seen my students with Kylo. They would absolutely _love_ you.”

Rey’s cheeks were turning pink, and she was starting to smile. “Yeah, um, maybe.”

“And please tell me when you plan to do another popup. I would just _love_ to see what you teach.”

The smile dropped, but she tried to stay friendly. “It’s…really for Force sensitives.”

“I know, but I always say, combat is combat, and honestly, I think it would be really helpful to learn what can happen in combat with Force sensitives, so I have a broader scope to teach my students. Not to mention I hear you and Kylo put on demos that just wow your audience.”

Rey turned an eyebrow toward Kylo, who just shrugged in response. What could he say? He told Arbun just about everything in that week.

Well, everything safe to talk about, anyway.

With a shrug, Rey said, “Yeah, maybe. I’ll let you know.” She thumbed behind her. “This is Ben, by the way. He’s…” Rey looked up. Ben still had the same scrunchy-eyed smile he had before. “…a bit shy.”

Arbun clasped her hands together and shook them toward him. “Dr. Ben Solo, you have no reason to be shy around me. That commercial? Stellar! I can’t believe you thought in advance to record that final battle. I mean, a fight for the very fate of the galaxy and you captured it on video! And that Darth Vader suit? Genius, pure genius!”

Ben’s wide eyes shifted back into a smile as he stuck his hand behind his head. “Oh, well, thank you. You know that was made with my patented Vader polymer—which now has been superseded by V-8-R polymer, get it? Because it sounds like Vader?”

Rey sighed. “Ben, sweetie, we get it.”

Arbun clapped and pointed. “V-8-R! I love it! So what’s so special about this new version? Wait, tell me in the transport.”

Kylo had almost started to feel abandoned for a moment while Arbun gushed with his family, but then she turned and waved him forward with just as much enthusiasm, and he realized that this was just who she was. As he stepped closer, she stuck her hand out, and he’d never been so driven to take someone’s hand as he was then.

Again, that soft warm connection of human touch, from someone that cared about him. His heart lit on fire as she led him onto the transport and sat with her softness pressed against his side, their clasped hands on her thigh.

All through the ride she engaged them in conversation. Ben of course could be counted on to yap endlessly about his projects, but Arbun had a special ability to turn what he said into a question she’d ask of Kylo or Rey. By the time they reached the restaurant, the four of them were chatting and laughing as if they had known each other forever.

~*~

Kylo eyed the massive crab legs before him. They had been cracked out of their shells as it required special tooling, but Arbun wasn’t kidding. Logs the thickness of his forearms sat screaming for a fork.

Ben let out a soft cry of delight to see his. “Why am I only now learning of this?!” The serving droid set down every side dish on different small plates, just like the last time.

Arbun pointed at the array. “ _That_ is brilliant, so nothing messes up the flavor of anything else, right?”

Ben nodded at her in awe. “Yeah.”

Arbun’s attention was back on Kylo. She giggled and hunched her shoulders. “Well? Dig in! Tell me what you think.”

Kylo cut into the mass of flaky, white meat and stuffed a huge wad in his mouth. His toes curled in absolute bliss. “It’s incredible.”

“Here, try this.”

Arbun gave him a sample of everything she had, so free and giving of herself. And he decided to do the same in return. Everything seemed so much easier with her, so free and fun, as they shared their dinners and laughed. Honestly, he kind of forgot Ben and Rey were there.

And seeing as he didn’t get any kicks, death glares, or Force-flung spoons in the face, he must have been behaving properly. Maybe he didn’t need them with him after all.

After dinner, they headed to the Boardwalk. Arbun held his hand as they strode along, and he walked in pure glee. She told him all about her favorite rides and stories to go with them, pointed out which games were total scams and which you had an actual chance of winning, and showed him the best crane machines where you could actually win stuff rather than watch that stupid fucking claw drop your prize at the last second.

“How do you even score that much?” Arbun asked at the end of their TIE Fighters head-to-head video game. “That’s like triple the high score!”

Kylo shrugged. “I _am_ a fighter pilot. Sharpened senses, that kind of thing.”

Arbun leaned into his arm, giggling. “I keep forgetting. It’s like soldier you and you-you are two separate people.”

That was kind of the plan. “I can take you up sometime. In my ship.”

She spun and faced him, excitement in her eyes. “Ohhhh, what kind of ship?”

Kylo froze, his stomach seizing. He made a vow to be honest about himself when it came to any other girlfriend/boyfriend, but there was still plenty he hadn’t told her, the real truth about his past, about being Supreme Leader, a murderer and conqueror.

Arbun leaned in closer. “Kylo?” She waved her hand in front of his face. “Everything okay?”

He didn’t want to ruin the date. _Really_ didn’t want to ruin the date. He was having so much fun and getting along so well with her. How much did he tell? What was right?

“It’s a TIE Silencer,” Ben said. “Kind of like the ones from the game, but sexier, wayyy sexier.”

Kylo’s heart pounded.

“Ky and my dad got a special collector’s registration for it, so it doesn’t register as a combat ship anymore. We’re totally bringing it to Galacticon.”

Arbun’s eyes widened, her smile huge. “Galacticon?! You guys go to that too?”

Ben patted Kylo on the back. “It will be Ky and Rey’s first time, but we’re going to _destroy_ that cosplay contest. With my Vader cosplay, the Silencer, Ky going as me, and Rey going as a Rock Hound space pirate AKA herself, we’re totally winning first prize this year. You should see my cosplay, authentic right down to the tiniest module from Galaxy Wars 6 _and_ I wore it in the final battle against Palpatine. In fact, we wore all our outfits during that battle!”

Rey lifted her finger. “Well, technically you added to the Vader cosplay for the battle and I had the added Tor-flex so gramps couldn’t shock us.”

“Oh crap, I hope they don’t hold that against us.”

Arbun’s jaw fell open. “That…is…the coolest cosplay origin story ever. You are totally going to win, hands down!”

Kylo changed his mind. He had never been gladder Ben came with him than at that moment. The sudden blast of nausea subsided, and as they continued down the boardwalk, Ben rubbed his back.

His best friend always came through for him.

~*~

Kylo groaned as he pried himself out of the tiny seat of the roller coaster. As he stretched out to his full height, Arbun laughed and grabbed his arm.

“How could you not think that was fun?” she asked.

“It was okay.”

“Okay? What about that first dip? You _have_ to have gotten your jollies off on that first dip.”

Kylo shrugged. “It’s too safe, too confined. Not like being on a Skybike.”

She stopped him with both hands up. “You ride a Skybike?”

Kylo grinned. “I _own_ a Skybike.”

Arbun jumped up and down while holding his hands. “You have to take me for a ride! I love Skybikes!”

Kylo couldn’t help but chuckle, watching her infectious enthusiasm, watching those ample breasts bounce along with her. He’d never been with a woman who had so much in that department, and he tried not to let his eyes linger. “I’ll take you for a ride anytime.”

She leaned in. “Will I be _riding Solo?_ ” She gave him a wink.

He merely blinked. “I…what?”

She chuckled into his chest and hugged him. “Stars, you are so cute.”

Well, he didn’t know what she was talking about, but she called him cute and hugged him, and that was good enough for him. He held her comforting body and buried his lips in her hair. He really wanted to give her a kiss on the head, but that was probably wrong, like everything else he wanted to do so soon. But at least holding her felt right.

A few minutes further down the boardwalk and she squealed. “Look at the giant porg! It’s so fluffy and squishy! Aw damnit, it’s at the scammiest of games. No fair.”

Kylo groaned. “They all know our faces by now or I’d win one for you.”

“Can’t you do that—” She waved her hand. “—mind trick thingie like Obi Wan did in Galaxy Wars 4?”

Kylo narrowed one eye. “Ehhh, probably, but I may have overdone that one too. Didn’t work the last few times I tried on that guy.” He gave her an awkward grin. “Never said I was a saint.”

Arbun’s smile made his unease disappear. “Never said I needed you to be.”

That was good, because when she found out the whole truth…fuck…

She rubbed her chin. “But I do have an idea. Besides, with the amount of money they scam out of people every week, they can afford to lose a porg. How far does that moving stuff with your hands thing work?”

Kylo waited for Arbun to fail three times at the scam game. After roaring in frustration and declaring she wasn’t leaving that stand without a porg, she paid one more time. This time, he directed the shoddy bean bag at the immovable bottles himself and blasted all three of them off the stand. The worker gaped in awe, then scanned the crowd, looking for either him, Ben, or Rey. And since they were all hiding at the side of the building across the way with an added Force-stealth shield, he gave up and had to hand over the giant porg.

Arbun came running over with her arms around the fluffy stuffy and immediately shoved it into his arms. “Squish it! It’s so squishy! Do it!”

Overwhelmed and chuckling at her joy, he had to oblige. Ohh, that sucker was soft heaven in his arms, but nothing like the woman behind it.

She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, feeling better than any stuffy ever could. “Thank you, Ky!”

“Anything for you,” he said softly into her ear.

She tipped her head back, smiling, and he just loved this moment, loved this feeling, possibly loved her, but that was probably wrong yet again. Well, he’d keep it to himself for now, but there was something about her that allowed him to be himself, to be free.

Now he just had to not fuck it up.

~*~

Arbun yanked him over to the Ferris Wheel to the point he almost had a hard time keeping up. Not that he minded the ride, but she was insistent they get on it at a certain time. When they finally got on, she sat the giant porg on the opposite seat, took his hand, and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Just wait till we get to the top. You’ll see.”

It was slow going as each gondola was filled, but once they got to the top, she pointed and he could do nothing but gasp. The sun glowed orange, half eaten by the horizon, while the most incredible yellows and oranges painted the clouds. The intensity of the colors sang right into his soul. Sure, he had seen sunsets since living on Chandrila, and loved every one of them, but from this height, with nothing to block the view, he could see colors that went on forever.

But that wasn’t the entirety of it.

It was the feeling he got with her, and the sunset reflected it. Warmth, hope, joy, freedom, all things he never knew he needed when he lived in Exegol and all things he craved in every moment now. Because it was precious, and you couldn’t always hold onto it. Sometimes it was taken away—by circumstances, by his past or someone else’s. So when he had it, when it was in his hands, he had to savor it.

The ride continued into its actual rotations, and as the sunset ducked down behind the boardwalk, he turned to look at her. Her eyes and smile met his, and as the gondola rose up high again, the orange glow cast across her lovely face.

Warmth, hope, joy, freedom.

He should have been watching the sunset, but he only wanted to watch her, see how the light warmed her face, reflected in her joyous eyes. At the top again, he turned to catch the sunset, now growing varying shades of pink with only a sliver of sun left.

And yet it paled in comparison to the woman beside him.

He turned to her once more and knew what he had to do. Maybe it was wrong. He was good at that, making wrong decisions in relationships. But he couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Kylo leaned down, eyes locked on hers, mouth parting slightly to signal his intent. Her smile softened, eyes lowering, face canting toward him.

If this was the wrong thing to do, he’d take the heat later.

He gathered her lips in a kiss he felt right into his toes, and by her sharp intake of breath, he thought she felt it, too. Her hand braced his cheek, and that simple joy made him deepen his kiss. Arms around his neck, his hands around her back, tongue exploring, tasting, loving every sensation. The ride rose and fell and didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was her and every vibrant echo of delight that sang through his soul. She had become the sun in his dark and stormy soul.

The ride halted, letting people off, and that’s the only thing that broke the kiss. But Arbun’s eyes remained on his, as if seeing into his soul. No words, just two people absorbed in each other’s essences.

He wasn’t supposed to love her already, but what was this then? What was this magical feeling if not love?

Arbun slid her soft fingertips over his brow, and he just melted, closing his eyes and basking in that gentle touch. So she did it again, and again, while he sat there at her mercy.

“Hey,” she whispered.

His eyes fluttered open.

She pointed across from them and glanced over once. “He’s _staring_ at us.”

Kylo looked over to see two giant porg eyes and one gaping mouth. He immediately burst into laughter along with her and just had to hug her.

This was the start of something special.

~*~

They spent the next day together, and any free time he had during the week was spent on the comm or visiting her school. He would help with the more advanced classes, but mostly he made himself available for when she closed up. She didn’t need him to escort her home, but he wanted to. Any time he could spend with her was a treasure.

Besides, that place across the street had excellent tea!

But by next weekend, he figured enough time had passed for him to fuck it all up like he usually did. It was weighing on him that he hadn’t been entirely forthcoming about his past. He said there was a lot more she needed to know, but even though she was gently curious, he couldn’t bring himself to tell her yet.

Arbun knew at least some of his history, since she was aware of the final battle with Palpatine and was up to date on the published data about him. He told her he was a clone of Ben and some of the history behind that. She just nodded as if she knew, and he wondered if she really _did_ know or if she was just being her usual “Okay and?” self.

Like nothing about him ever bothered her.

And what if she learned the whole truth? Tai only learned he had Darkside powers and was once a Sith. Kylo didn’t have the guts to tell him he had been Supreme Leader, THE Supreme Leader that terrorized his planet.

Everyone had their limits. What was Arbun’s?

Well, the happier he got with her, the worse he felt, waiting for that sweet sunset to go dark for good.

On Zhellday, they headed out to a quiet patch of beach Arbun said had the most incredible shells. She didn’t need to convince him, but he would have to try to remember to call them by their proper name.

Bare feet, the small low-tide waves faintly whooshing, bathing their feet in its cool foamy waters, his bag hung heavy already. Every minute Arbun would squeal and pluck some beauty out of the wet surf. This one in particular was a rainbow of blue shifting to greens and violets—just like the _canaba_ butterfly, just like Kira’s hair (though why he was thinking of Kira when he had Arbun right there made him question himself. Maybe it was just the fascination with the hair.)

Kylo and Arbun admired the wet shell in the sunlight as the dazzling array of colors skated across its surface. “This is happiness,” he said, and it was one of those things that made him want to punch himself because it always sounded stupid leaving his mouth.

But instead of snickering at him, she turned to him with a smile. “It _is_ happiness, isn’t it?” He wasn’t sure if she meant the shell or their time together, but both answers worked. “Why does it bring you happiness?”

“When I first came home to Chandrila, my mom took me out to her garden. I’d never seen so much green, or blue in the sky, or all the colors and scents of the flowers. The sun was warm on my skin after I spent my life so cold. And she was there. I’d never had a mom before, and she was so gentle and kind with me, loved me even when…” He couldn’t go there, not yet, but he knew that wave of hell was coming soon. “…I was a mess. And she showed me the _canaba_ butterfly, with its beautiful blue wings that changed color in the light. She showed me how to get it on my finger, and it was so beautiful. This delicate creature trusted me, showed me its most beautiful self, and…I didn’t think I had done anything to deserve that, but there it was.” He smiled. “It gave me hope, that I could finally have a happy life.”

“Do you?”

He shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, it hasn’t always been happy. There’s been some bad spots since I got here, some really painful lessons, things I had to…change or let go of, things I had to face about my past, things I had to learn. But in comparison? Well, there is no comparison.” He turned the shell in the light. “Whenever I see something blue and rainbow-like, I always think of that hope and happiness on that first day.”

“Awww.” Arbun slipped an arm around his waist and drew his face in for a kiss with her fingertips. “You are the most adorable man I’ve ever met.”

His cheeks burned pink, and he shrunk into his shoulders, grinning. “I’m not always so adorable.”

“Yes you are.” She brushed his black locks out of his face, and the sensation of her fingertips never stopped melting his soul. “You’re this…huge, strong, powerful, gorgeous man with the most innocent, big, and pure heart. It never stops being adorable.”

His grinning turned into giggles, his cheeks on fire. He loved it when she praised him like that, loved _her_ even if he knew he shouldn’t yet. “You’re so special to me. You don’t know how good you make me feel.”

Arbun slipped her arms around his chest again, and he held her there. “Well, you deserve it, all of it.”

He wasn’t so sure about that, and his mood sank again. Being with her in this way was like being a condemned man enjoying his last meal before his death sentence. But he didn’t want to ruin the mood and decided to try a method from Ben’s book whenever he was feeling anxious. “Fun fact, shells are the exoskeleton of the sea creature that lived in it.”

“Fun fact: that is an adorable fun fact!”

Kylo giggled. “I called shells sea skeletons and sea bones when I first learned about them. It sounded kind of badass that way.”

Arbun burst into laughter, and he wasn’t sure if he should feel offended or laugh along with her. But then she touched his face again, and the discomfort disappeared. “I love it! That’s it, from now on, we’re calling them sea bones. Or do you prefer skeletons?”

Kylo shrugged. “Either one.”

“Perfect! Well you stick this in your bag of sea bones since it brings you so much happiness.”

She slipped it into his bag, landing with a clink, but shells were the last thing on his mind. “ _You_ bring me so much happiness.”

Arbun smiled against the late-morning sun. “Do I?”

How could she ask such a question? “Of course! You’re so much fun, and you’re beautiful, and you…get me and I always feel good around you, and I like your smile and I…” And here was the truth as it dawned on him. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy with anyone I’ve dated.” Which could only mean he’d ruin it soon. “You’re so special.”

She tilted her head, gave him a crumpled smile and spread her arms. “Oh Ky.”

He wrapped his arms around her, sinking into endless comfort. He wished he could just stay there forever, in her arms, where the demons of his past couldn’t reach him.

But she had a right to know. Everything.

Kylo pulled away from her and rubbed his hand over his face. “I need to tell you something.”

Her eyes remained curious as he leaned against the rocky outcrop. He braced both of his hands on his thighs, not meeting her gaze. “Arbun I’m…not a good person to be with.”

To her credit, she didn’t draw up her hand to her chest or look nervous, just curious, warm even. “Why do you think that?”

“Arbun, I was raised for war. Raised to kill on command. To be a weapon. I was made from my brother’s DNA to serve as a dyad in the Force alongside Rey, but we couldn’t make it work. Had we succeeded, Palpatine would already be ruling this galaxy.”

“Oh wow.”

“He and his crony Snoke raised me, brutally, abused the living shit out of me in order to make me a killer. I spent twenty years of my life having my body, mind, soul, and heart shattered over and over until I was just a shell of a person. And because of it, I don’t act right. My first girlfriend, when I was sixteen, I had no self control, and I didn’t listen when she said stop the first time.”

Arbun tilted her head, still just curious, not afraid like she should be. “So what happened? What did she do? What did _you_ do?”

“We were kissing and…it got too passionate— _I_ got too passionate. I just didn’t understand—I didn’t know what I was feeling or doing, and she said stop and I kept kissing her, not understanding what I was supposed to stop. She had to _make_ me stop.”

“Make you how?”

“Oh, she used her massive Force powers and slammed me against the wall.”

“Oh shit, Ky…”

“And I _deserved_ it. I mean, she thought I was trying to have sex with her and I didn’t know what that was at the time, but still, I had every bump and bruise coming to me. And when she tried to leave me for good, I wouldn’t let her go. I kept grabbing her and hauling her away from her ship, even after she told me to stop and elbowed me in the mouth and kicked me in the crotch, I still went after her. She had to hunt me down with her lightsaber, kick the shit out of me, and hold it to my throat to make me stop. That’s the type of person I am, Arbun. I have no self control, I get violent. I punch holes in the walls at home when I lose my shit. My brother had to make a rage room for me to hack apart with my lightsaber because I get so _fucking_ angry I can’t take it anymore. And I’m trying, I’m really trying, with therapy and art therapy and everything fucking therapy because I’m so FUCKED up.”

Kylo shook his head. “The second girl I dated, the one I told you about, I scared the hell out of her. Everything was going fine—I loved her. FUCK I loved her, so fucking much. Too much. My heart—it doesn’t understand what it’s doing sometimes, and it sees love and it just grabs it like it’s so afraid it’s going to be taken away, and it’s huge, these…huge, monstrous feelings that just overwhelm the fuck out of me. I loved her too much, and we made love and my powers erupted stronger than before, my eyes turned—I scared her then, and I scared her when I wanted to be with her forever.”

“Ky…”

“And then I go and make the biggest fuckup of them all. She tried to leave me. She avoided all my calls after that first time we made love, tried to avoid me, got security to keep me away, and instead of listening like a smart person, like my brother would have, I cornered her in a study room. Because I’m a FUCKUP! And I wouldn’t let her leave until she promised she wouldn’t leave me. I was so hurt from when Rey left me, I refused to let it happen again, and I terrified her.” He shook his head. “I only realized it too late, that what I was doing was wrong, that I was scaring her. I got kicked out of school. Got arrested. Fuck…”

“Kylo—”

“And do you think I’ve learned? No matter how many classes on social interaction I take, how to control my anger, all this shit, I still go and punch my brother’s wall. And he’s so used to it he just shrugs and says we’ll just make more patching cement. That’s how much of a fuckup I am! He’s _used_ to me destroying things! That’s what I do. That’s what they bred me to do. And I’m trying, I’m trying…so _fucking_ hard to overcome everything that was done to me in my early years. But I’m still too fucked. Way too fucked.”

He shook his head. “My last boyfriend, everything was going fine, but I didn’t tell him about my past, like I am now. I didn’t tell him who I was or what I could do. I hid my powers, my lightsaber, everything. Just wanted a normal relationship. For _once,_ I just wanted to date and kiss and just love. Only my powers erupted while we were making out, and I scared him off too.” He licked his lips. “This is the part where you’re gonna hate me, Arbun.”

“Ky, I don’t—”

He looked up at her. “I was Supreme Leader! I led the fucking Final Order! Under Palpatine, trying to take over the galaxy. I did that, Arbun. And Tai…I nearly killed him long before we met. I attacked his planet. He saw me, saw me in my uniform and helmet decimating his world. He hated me without knowing he was holding me in his arms. I was _that_ fucking monster. I was everyone’s worst nightmare. Palpatine and Snoke _made_ me into the hell everyone had to endure, but it was my hands that held the weapon, that cast the Force.” He swallowed and hung his head again.

“But you faced off against Palpatine in the end. What changed your mind?”

There was only one answer. “Ben. He…I was trying to kill him, for taking Rey away from me. I tried to kill my own father, before I knew he was my father. And yet, after attacking Ben over and over, he spared my life when Rey was finally going to end it once and for all.”

“Oh my stars, Ky…”

“Ben decided there was good in me worth saving.” He shook his head. “But I don’t know anymore. I try, damnit do I try, but I keep reverting to what I was. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to _hurt_ anyone anymore. I left that…hell of a life behind.” He thrust the side of his fist against the rock, not caring how it stung. “But I just keep fucking up and hurting everyone around me.”

He finally met her eyes and shook his head. “I’m no good for you, Arbun. No matter how much I like you, I know I’ll just ruin things like I always do.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I hate saying that, because I like what we have. I really like you. And I don’t want to give any of it up. But it’s the truth.”

And now he waited for it all to fall apart like it usually did. He gave her every opportunity and reason to walk away. She only had to turn around, walk away, and it would be okay. It would be the right thing for her.

Her eyes roved his face, and then a warm, soft hand cupped his cheek. “Ky, all I see is a very hurt person who has been through way too much, and despite it all, still has a very good heart. Your choices now mean more to me than anything that happened back then.” She smiled, that warm, comforting, heavenly smile. “And I’m not giving up.”

That was it.

He broke into tears, the truth of it cracking open a dam that held in so much. And instead of running away, Arbun pulled him closer, into her arms, until he buried his heaving sobs on her shoulder, holding onto her soft body, a cuddly oasis in a desert of his own self hatred. And she just held him and stroked his head. How she knew he liked that, he had no clue, but it made him cry harder, love her harder, and hold her never wanting to let her go.

Did he believe he had a good heart? Yes. Of all things, one thing he did know was how to love. Even in the worst of what he went through in Exegol, perhaps even during those cold years when he was Kylo Ren, he still knew love. But his good heart was surrounded by razor wire and landmines in his fucked up head, and he hated to see anyone trying to cross knowing how badly they could get hurt.

His family had done it, and now here Arbun was trying, and he was so scared for her, but he loved her even more for it.

“Ky, I’ve been around fucked up people before. You’re not the first. I’m not exactly stellar myself.”

“Banthashit,” he said through his tears and laughed a little before sniffling.

“No, no, I assure you, it’s true. I grew up in the slums of Coruscant, literally fighting to survive. You don’t come out of that as the poster child for mental health. But I’ve seen some really fucked up folks before, and none of them admitted it like you. And the way I view it, if you can see that you’re going wrong, even if you can’t yet get it right, then you’re a hell of a lot better than those who refuse to see how they fuck up others’ lives and continue to leave a path of destruction.” She drew him back and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I’ve been through some shit. It left me a little hard, but it made me strong. I’m not walking away, Ky.” She brushed the tendrils of his waves out of his face. “You’re too good to walk away from, and personally, I think you need to start giving yourself a lot more credit than you do.”

He pressed his lips together and swallowed. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

She smiled and sifted her fingers through his hair, gathering it behind his head. “Why don’t we focus on all the things that can go right with us and worry about the wrong later? Besides, I’ve already proven I can kick your ass if need be.”

Kylo laughed and nodded. “Okay, you got me there.”

She grasped his face in her cozy hands. “I’ve got you here. Right here. In this moment and no other. And I really like this person I have here.”

Kylo, his heart melting and soaring and begging the Force to just please let this be a good thing for once, sunk his fingers into her hair and held her head. “I like you, too.”

In tandem, he pulled, she pulled. He drew closer, she drew closer. Wrapped in sea breezes, their lips met, and Kylo never felt so right, so perfect. His little warrior, ready to stand beside him, stand up to him if she had to, and stand with him as he tried to break through that minefield.

Damn, he really hoped he didn’t fuck this one up, but for now? Maybe he should do exactly as she said, just enjoy this moment, enjoy each other.

Maybe it was too soon, but he didn’t care. He was already falling in love. Maybe she felt it, too.

Arbun leaned back with a little sigh and a soft smile. “Since we’re baring all, can I show you something?”

Kylo nodded. “Of course.”

Arbun stepped back and loosened the overshirt that was covering her shoulders. She turned around and dropped the shirt, revealing a tank top beneath and…

Kylo gasped.

Spread across her back and shoulders were iridescent blue scales whose colors shifted in the light as she moved. She tied the shirt around her waist and spread her arms.

Like a butterfly. Arbun was his _canaba_ butterfly.

“I hope it doesn’t bother you,” she said.

Kylo’s jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?! It’s beautiful! It’s…” He gave a soft laugh and smiled. “Happiness.”

Arbun smiled and gave a sigh of relief. “I’ve run into too many purists. They want an entirely human body, no…special adaptations or species blends. Bad enough to be rejected for my size, then add this and well…” She turned to him. “You don’t know what it means to me that you accept me as I am.”

Kylo let out an incredulous laugh. “Are you kidding me? After everything I just told you?” He sighed, shook his head, and opened his arms. “Come here.”

Moments later, she was in his arms again, right where she belonged. Her skin was so incredibly soft beneath his hands, and he slid them over her scales. They were smooth with an entrancing, repetitive pattern in the bumps and valleys.

“You are beautiful,” he said, “in every way.”

“And so are you,” she whispered into his neck.

Kylo smiled and held her closer. One person’s disgust was someone else’s butterfly work of art. And maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t so bad either. Maybe his complex facets and flaws made him just as beautiful in her eyes as her lovely body and scale pattern was to him.

Maybe imperfection was just as beautiful as perfection, and maybe, finally, he could embrace the true essence of hope for the first time.

After all, he was holding it in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww, Ky has finally had some well-deserved sweetness in his love life. He really needed not only the happy/fluffy/sweetness but definitely some confidence, especially from someone who sees him for all he is and accepts him anyway. 
> 
> So I would say we're about halfway through Ky's journey, and I can't believe how long this has gotten, but we still have quite a ways to go. A big thank you to all my loyal readers in this "just like real life but with lightsabers and Force-chokes" tale! I'm just a bit in shock at how long this story actually got! But darnit, Ky's so stinking cute! Look at that moodie!
> 
> Next week we're going to keep it sweet. Kylo's world is opening up, and hope for a future is close at hand with the cure only a few months away. Stay tuned!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	17. Must Love Ben, and Darksiders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo experiences the joys of being with someone who is everything he dreamed. Intimate exploration leads to a deeper source of his Dark Side powers.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In time for Valentine's weekend, a rare treat for our boy, full of love, giggles, and steamy, steamy fun. 
> 
> CW for a body shaming comment in the bar scene
> 
> If you want the full multimedia effect, the opening scene references and was written to "You Could Be Mine" by Guns n Roses if you want to queue it up. I got the idea when the song came on my playlist and I was just imagining Ky flying his Skybike to the tune.

“You ready?” Kylo asked as he turned on the Skybike.

Arbun grinned and slipped on her helmet. “Always.”

Kylo set one of his favorite songs to play, _You Could Be Mine_.

Arbun moaned in delight. “I _love_ Blasters ‘N Bloodflowers.”

“That’s why you’re my girl.” Kylo slipped on his helmet and roared the Skybike into life. Strong arms slipped around his waist while the belting system strapped them in. “Do you trust me?”

“Always.”

Kylo smiled and thrust the controls forward. The wheels skid on the ground before catching, propelling them forward along the drive until he twisted the handles and blasted them into the air. He took them up high, then coursed into a sharp, deep curving dive that shot them in and out of the paths of public transports. Official warnings flashed all over the viewport in his helmet, but he merely chuckled. Arbun laughed in delight behind him and squeezed his middle even tighter.

He zipped in and out of air traffic, his senses expanded around him, sharp and accurate. With another blast of speed he took them up again, high toward the clouds.

In the blinding white, he could only rely on his senses and the Force to guide him. Arbun’s lightly nervous but excited fingers gripped along his muscles. She loved this shit, just as much as he did. Roller coasters had nothing on Skybikes.

He blasted them high above the clouds, and they flew that way for a while, enjoying the beauty of a sky world that was solely theirs for the moment.

Then back down, a hard dive that burned adrenaline through his fiery body, into the mountainous valleys of the south, zipping past sheer rockfaces with inches to spare. Arbun screamed and laughed behind him, equal shares terrified and thrilled, but still fully trusting in him.

And he would never break that trust.

One more hard dive, right toward the river at the bottom. And just as it seemed they would dunk right into their graves, he pulled up, the force of air from that maneuver shoving at the water and casting a spraying wave in all directions. Laughing and screaming, Arbun gripped him from behind and writhed her entire body against him.

Time to pull over.

On a mountain peak no one could easily access without a ship, Kylo kissed her into oblivion. Any time adrenaline started pumping, his desire followed. And Arbun knew exactly how to fuel him. Simple really, all she had to do was touch him, smooth her hands over his body, anywhere, didn’t matter. Even just his cheek, arms, or shoulders, and he was immediately hers.

And she did it all the time, always touching him in some way simply because she knew how much it meant to him. Whether it was holding hands, a leg entwined with his at the dinner table, or holding him against her soft chest while they watched a movie, her fingers stroking his hair. His exes had kissed, hugged, and touched him, but no one was ever this attentive to his deep-set needs—to feel human, enjoy and love his body instead of finding it a source of constant pain and repulsion.

Kylo laid back, hand behind his head. Arbun straddled his hips, softness hitting all the right spots, and descended on him for another kiss.

“Am I squishing you?” she asked.

“Not at all,” he responded, enjoying her lovely features with the blue sky behind her. He closed his eyes as she sunk her kiss deep into his mouth, her body soft against his chest. It was perfect, so incredibly perfect.

Until…

Dark. Cold stone floor. The guards holding him down.

Kylo’s eyes sprung open, and he pulled from her kiss. “I need to sit up!”

As if in a choreographed maneuver, Arbun sprung off of him and let him rise. While he fought to still his breath, calm his pounding heart, she embraced him from behind.

“Breathe with me,” she whispered.

He could feel the rise and swell of her breaths. One hand brushed his forehead, smoothing his hair back, while the other softly circled his chest. Kylo fought to match her breathing pattern and soon fell into her rhythm. The adrenaline and shaking calmed, and he felt like he could breathe again.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t ever be sorry,” she said into his neck.

“I think the stone set me off. It felt like the guards were on me, pinning me to the floor.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered and coaxed his head back onto her shoulder.

Kylo let himself fall into her comfort. He didn’t have the flashbacks often, but it seemed the happier he was, the more they popped out of nowhere, as if trying to convince him he didn’t deserve that joy.

But Arbun always knew what to do. Sometimes she just knew, like Mom, and sometimes she asked him to tell her what he needed. Sometimes he didn’t know, and she just tried stuff, whether it was holding his hand if he felt confined and needed space, hugging him when he felt isolated, or talking softly to him if he wound up confused and disoriented.

She did all that for him, and only once did he ever get to comfort her in return. But even then she turned it around. It was two days after he told her everything that could scare her off and she still accepted him. Perhaps he should have told her this last part sooner, but basking in newfound love of a kind he had been dreaming of, he had honestly forgotten he could die at any moment.

_Two days after Kylo’s confession._

“And that’s…yet one more reason I’m probably no good for you.” Kylo picked his head up, finally having the courage to look into Arbun’s eyes after telling her about his painful and deadly genetic condition. He sucked in a sharp breath and tried to still his tears as he saw the utter pain, fear, and heartbreak in her eyes. He hated seeing such a bright person hurting, especially for him. So he did what Mom or Ben would do and pulled her into his arms, held her head against his chest.

She tried to speak through a trembling mouth. “So…we could be walking down the street and…that’s it? You’re just gone?”

“It’s…not instant. I can feel it coming on, but by then it’s already too late to do much about it unless Ben and Rey are there to generate the Force energy I need to keep me alive. I mean, there’s time…some, but it’s entirely excruciating. Everything just…everything breaks down, and it’s painful—”

“Oh my stars, Ky!” She sucked in a quick sob and squeezed his chest as if something was already trying to take him away from her. Then she sat back, sniffled, opened her eyes, and took on a strong, hard edge as she put her hand to his cheek. “What do we have to do? I mean, is it that random or is there a way to prevent it, watch for it, get some kind of early warning so we can get your brother and Rey in time?”

Kylo rubbed his hand along his pants. “Um, mostly I have to keep my energy up, take care of myself, make sure I’m eating and resting enough, not getting too stressed or overexerting myself. And I can’t use the Force endlessly, like I can’t drain myself of it. That’s key really.” He ran his fingertips along the fabric to center himself. It was so hard telling her this, seeing the pain in her eyes. And to finally meet someone who was willing to accept him for everything he was and then have to drop this heartbreaking bomb on her. He pressed his palm to a spike of pain in his head.

Arbun jolted. “Oh no, is it happening?”

Kylo shook his head as it throbbed. “No, this…is normal. When I get stressed my head hurts, along the scar lines, my fusion lines. It’s all…part of this fucked up body of mine. Almost never a day when I’m not in some kind of pain.”

“Can I do something? Should I get Ben or your mom?”

Kylo reached into his belt pouch and pulled out the medtech. “I got this. It takes most of the edge off.”

Before he could lift it to his head, she took it from his hands. “Lie down, get comfortable. I’ll take care of you.”

“I-I can do…it…” But she was already fluffing his pillows and urging him backwards. He let himself lie down and Arbun curled in beside him, waving the mechanism over his head along the fusion line. All the while he stared into her eyes, admired her face, her full attention on him as if he was the only thing that mattered in the universe. He had already forgotten the pain long before the medtech truly took effect.

“That better?” she asked.

Kylo smiled. “Yeah. Thank you.”

Arbun handed the medtech back but didn’t move from her spot. Hovering above his scar line, she traced her fingertip along the length. “Does it hurt if I touch it?”

“No. Not at all. You’d have to really hit it hard to do that.”

Those soft fingertips landed so lightly on his scar and slid from his forehead down over the line that continued along his cheek. “You were born like this, huh?”

“Made, but yeah. I’m an experiment gone wrong.”

Arbun shook her head. “No, not wrong. Not at all. And to me, you’ll always have been born. I’ll never think of you as something someone made. To me you’re no different than any other man, and you’re perfect just the way you are.”

Kylo felt so warm as a smile blossomed on his lips. He wished he had words for just how good she made him feel. “I spent most of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough because I was disfigured. My first date, I wanted Ben to use his cosplay makeup kit to cover the scars. Actually, on my first date with _you_ I asked him for it, but he convinced me not to again.”

Her fingers continued down his neck. “Good, because I don’t want you to do that.” She stroked his hair. “I like you exactly as you are. You’re a beautiful man, scars and all. I just wish I could take away your pain.” She leaned down and kissed his topmost scar. “I wish every kiss…” She moved down to his cheek. “…could magically heal your pain…” Next to his jaw, then his neck. “…so you never have to hurt again.”

Kylo couldn’t speak. This beautiful, loving tenderness was unlike any he had ever experienced. He had no words, and when he tried to make a sound, his throat was too tight. But what he couldn’t say rose to a welling in his eyes. “Arbun,” he whispered and sucked in a shuddering breath.

When she reached his shirt, she gently pulled at the collar. “How far does this go?”

Kylo cleared his throat and sniffled. “To my chest, down halfway.”

“Can I take off your shirt?”

He tensed. “I…have a lot more scars. A lot.”

“Can I see?”

With a light sigh, Kylo sat up and pulled off his shirt. Her hand nudged him back down, and she took a moment to look over his body. He could already feel himself trembling.

Her eyes trailed down the fusion scar to the one on his shoulder, another on his upper arm, an old stab wound to his left shoulder, the huge ugly mess of his lower left stomach where he had been impaled. Having her look, having her assess them like she was, and combined with just his lingering discomfort about his body, his trembling rose to pure shaking.

“Shhhhh,” Arbun said and smoothed a hand over his brow, down his cheek, along his neck, and over his bare chest. Her hands were so warm, so soft, making his breaths pick up in rate and depth.

Down she went and kissed along his fusion scar right where she left off, every peck like a surgical stitch made of pure love, binding him together as if he’d always been gaping apart. And when she left that, she moved to his shoulder. “What happened here?”

“Stabbed by a training partner I was forced to fight to the death.”

Her fingers moved so delicately over it. “I wish I could kiss away every bit of pain you ever had. But maybe…” She kissed every edge and center of the scar. “…I can fill this space with love to chase away those bad memories.”

On she kissed, and with the next scar, asked for its story, then filled it with her kisses. The more painful the story, the more attention she spent.

He didn’t know how long it went on, only that he was paralyzed by the amount of pure love pouring into him. She listened, and she cared, and she loved his damaged body and soul, loving it as if it were perfect no matter how many marks or terrible memories were embedded in there.

It was only when she finally made it back up to his face did he realize how wet his temples felt as well as the pillow on either side of his head. He had no idea he’d been crying, but his jaw quivered and he couldn’t say a word without breaking down.

Arbun nestled beside him and pulled him into her arms, letting him cry all he needed into her chest while she stroked his hair and whispered how beautiful he was. And he clung to her, terrified of ever letting her go, because she showed him a love he never thought he’d feel in his lifetime.

And acceptance—of his past, of his flaws, and of the broken vessel she’d been handed when she met him. But her love was filling the cracks, cementing him together.

“I’m going to take care of you,” she whispered into his hair. “So I can keep you as long as I can.”

He smiled even through his tears. “You want to keep me?”

“Of course I do. You’re precious.”

Him. Kylo Solo, formerly Kylo Ren. He was precious. Not flawed, not a growth from a jar, not a broken mess, but precious. Valuable.

Kylo held her tighter and nestled into her softness as deep as he could go, burying himself in the pure heaven of her embrace.

Arbun was always holding, healing, and comforting him, in the sweetest of times, and even now, in those brief dark moments he couldn’t seem to keep out of his psyche.

On the mountaintop, nestled in her arms, he looked up at her. “Thank you.”

She smiled. “You don’t have to thank me. I love you.”

Kylo basked in pure, giddy joy. Finally, FINALLY he could say it without it being a problem. “I love you too.” She leaned down, he tilted up, and he kissed the source of his happiness.

Arbun’s hand slid over the mountainous ridges of his chest, then under the shirt where she savored his abs. He regaled her with a moaning purr in their kiss, loving every single touch as if it was the first. Her hand then slid over his belt, unclasped it, and reached for the fasteners of his pants.

Kylo popped off the kiss to give her an incredulous smile. “Arbun, we’re in public.”

She looked around at the vast expanse surrounding them, the splotches of dark green marking the forests in the distance, the spreads of plains grasses, the distant blue of the Silver Sea, and nothing but mountain summits and rocky outcroppings in their closest vicinity. “HEY! QUIT STARING AT MY BOYFRIEND!”

Kylo broke into giggles. “Alright, alright, you made your point.”

Arbun kissed his forehead while working his pants open. “After all that sexy zipping around, I know how hard you get.” Her hands slid into his underpants and grasped his—indeed—very hard shaft. “And I wanna make my sweet man feel good.”

Kylo shifted to slide his pants and underwear down just enough to let her work unimpeded. Then he settled back into the crook of her arm and stared into her eyes while panting. “That does feel good.”

“Oh yeah?”

Kylo swallowed and moaned as she picked up speed. “Mm, yeah.”

Her voice lowered. “I love to watch you when I do this to you. I love that soft, hazy look in your eyes, how that precious mouth of yours stays open while you breathe. Then you lick your lips and swallow, your throat bobbing up and down along that beautiful neck. I just love to see you feel so good, to be so happy.”

Kylo arched himself into her hand a little more, licked his lips, and swallowed just like she said. “You make me so happy.”

“You deserve to be happy, my sweet Ky-bear,” she whispered against his lips before kissing them. Stars he loved it when she called him those precious names, Ky-bear and sweet man. She always focused on the best side of him instead of drawing up his ugly past.

Kylo drove his kiss in deep, tongue possessing her mouth while she continued to pleasure him. They hadn’t yet had sex, but they were working up to it. Maybe she was working up to it right now.

Kylo slipped from the kiss and cupped one of her pillowy breasts while breathing into her neck. “Can I make you feel good, too?”

Arbun kissed his forehead. “This one’s all for you.”

He was honestly starting to get a little close. “You sure?” he asked while peppering her neck with little kisses. “I can make you feel good. I know how. Ben made me a detailed instruction booklet with references. It even has an index.”

She sunk her face into his hair and giggled, her warm breath sending delightfully luscious tingles all down his body. “I’m sure you can, but this one is allll for you for giving me such a fun ride.”

Kylo nuzzled into her cleavage, slid his tongue over her soft skin, then was drawn like mad to her pulse point at her neck. With a growl, he planted his mouth over the spot and suckled, drawing upon her vital energy, letting it tempt and draw the Darkness.

But he kept his eyes closed. She promised she’d accept him exactly as he was, but he just wasn’t ready for that yet. Too much wrong happened the last time he let himself be…himself.

With that surge of Darkness came a blast of utmost pleasure, and while buried in the warmth of her neck, he growled into his heavenly release. That hazy, happy softness flooded him where the Darkness had just crept, and kisses rained on his head.

Bliss. And he didn’t have to stop being himself or hide who he was to enjoy it.

~*~

Kylo pulled up to the Sky-Bar feeling light and calm. Having Arbun in his life had eased so many pressures on his heart.

Which was good, because soon he was going to audition for the theater program and needed all the good vibes he could gather.

He strolled in with his arm around Arbun and felt like a king. It was hard to explain why he felt so together and powerful since he started dating her. He supposed in some ways it was confirmation he wasn’t unlovable or as much of a mess as he thought. Someone who had no compelling reason to do so still loved him, touched him, and made him feel good—always going out of her way to make him feel good.

Confidence. It was the first time he felt it in this social world.

Arbun clicked her bottle of Coruscant Steel against his bottle of Hyper-Fuel, and the two guzzled at once. Then she plopped her bottle down and cried out, “Done!”

Kylo swallowed down a giant mouthful. “No way!” He snatched her bottle before she could grab it and found it half full. “Heyyy! You cheated!” He couldn’t help but feel a deep-seated offense. Lying _and_ cheating?! That was entirely too close to those orcs.

But then Arbun laughed into his chest and gave him a tickle. Playing, that’s what she was doing, and he was starting to understand it. Sometimes there were meaningless jokes meant for a laugh, a teasing tickle, feigned sobbing that never sounded real and wasn’t, followed by laughter. All these relationship things were so confusing, but she walked him through every one when he stared at her with his head tilted.

Kylo broke into laughter too once he realized it was just silly joking and held her close, kissing her on the head. Ah, it felt so good to be in a public place and just hug someone he loved, to share an experience with someone who really got him. The broken young man from Exegol could never have imagined living the way he was now.

They got another order of drinks and sat, played a few games of hyper-dimensional pool, then Kylo won a few arm wrestling matches while Arbun held his jacket. When he had finished, she was absolutely giddy.

She slid her hand along the muscles of his upper arm. “Ky, I’m going to tell you right now, when I stood there, watching these boulders of yours just bunch out while your face got all full of concentration and fury, I’m not sure how I didn’t have twelve orgasms in a row, but my inner conclave was definitely voting in favor of it.”

Kylo ran his hand through his thick, long locks and grinned. “Isn’t that _my_ job?”

Arbun brought his coat up to her nose and inhaled. “Mmmm, could be.”

Well that was it. When they got home, he was going to pay her back in droves for her little touch on the mountaintop. He took his coat and slung it over his shoulder before leaning in close to her face. “Maybe we should get out of here soon.”

She popped up and kissed his nose. “We can.”

He loved her sudden spurts of affection. If hearts could actually bubble out of him like a cartoon, he could float on the perpetual supply. “Let me just run to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

Kylo fastened his pants, washed, and ran his fingers through his hair as he looked in the mirror. Hyper-Fuel always went right through him, but left him with a calm clarity in his head. Most of the time his brain was a confusing array of constant thoughts barging in and out of their own accord. He had medication to help him concentrate during school, when he couldn’t work out or take on a high-adrenaline task, but they left him without an appetite and he didn’t want to take them constantly. He had to eat healthy and consistently as to keep his energy from dropping too low.

So on days he didn’t need the full effect of the medication, an occasional bottle of Hyper-Fuel mellowed him out in the same way alcohol seemed to do for others (Dad was a whole other story.)

As he slipped on his jacket and exited the bathroom, mellow was the last thing he felt.

“Say that to my fucking face!” Arbun yelled as she pushed a guy way bigger than she was. Kylo didn’t doubt she could take the guy on, but his adrenaline was already on kill level three.

The guy turned around and got way too close to her. Kylo shoved people out of his way with a mere thought and closed the gap in a few monstrous steps. Arbun already had her fists up, and the guy was about to say something to her until a shadow loomed from above. The guy tipped his head up to find Kylo glaring at him.

The man pointed at Arbun. “You better control your girl.”

Kylo could feel Arbun’s tension ramping up. He gently grasped her upper arms and caressed them before grinning. “You better control your mouth before my girl tears you apart.”

The man snorted. “You wish.”

He started to turn away, but Arbun barked at him. “Hey! We’re not done here! You think you’re gonna run your fucking mouth and walk away?”

The man pointed again. “You better keep your mouth shut or your boyfriend is going to pay the price.”

Kylo was about to burst out laughing, but he got the sense Arbun had been insulted. “Love, what did he say to you?”

Arbun crossed her arms. “Oh, I think it was something along the lines of, ‘Move your fat fucking ass, bitch.’”

Kylo didn’t quite understand all the different forms of body-shaming yet. He had thought the only shameful body was one covered in scars like his, but his exes didn’t care, his family didn’t care, random strangers often thought he was attractive with his shirt off, and Arbun loved every one of them. So he didn’t fully get the depth of what happened, but he knew Arbun sometimes felt she was being judged for her size, which Kylo thought was absurd. He could never understand why anyone would think that size mattered. He thought all women (and lately men) were beautiful, in whatever shape, color or size they were, and Arbun was the most beautiful one. The only ugly women he’d ever seen were those with cruel hearts that reminded him of those who tormented him in Exegol.

Arbun was usually comfortable with her body, but when someone used it as an insult, it upset her.

And if this man upset her—Kylo’s absolute love and utter perfection—then he was going to pay.

The man huffed and turned. “Well, I wasn’t wrong.”

Magma boiled in Kylo’s veins, especially as he felt Arbun’s fury rise. “APOLOGIZE!” he barked in a manner that silenced the room.

The guy looked around, chuckled along with a good handful of his buddies spread through the crowd, and flipped Kylo off. “Fuck you.”

He could feel Arbun about to spring from her spot, but she didn’t need to. Kylo thrust out his hand, wrapped the Force around the bastard, and yanked him closer, applying just enough choking pressure to make his point clear but allow the fucker to speak. “Apologize,” Kylo growled.

The man pawed at his throat but still didn’t say a word. Meanwhile, his buddies started coming in from the crowd.

Arbun put her hands on her hips and sneered. “I suggest you do it before your buddies get hurt.”

“…fffuck you!” the man spat, his eyes darting toward the oncoming men.

Kylo turned the pressure on, and still the man wouldn’t budge, even as his eyes bugged, his skin flushing. With a charging group, it was going to be a bit of a pain in the ass to hold the bastard still and fight, but thankfully, he had an edge.

He looked down at Arbun, who winked in return. She swung around to his back. He bent low to dodge a flying bottle and shoved the perpetrator across the room with his power. Arbun used the momentum of his downward lurch and grasped his thigh, using him to boost herself up to kick another attacker in the face. Then she leapt off and charged into the crowd while Kylo simultaneously held the initial fucker and punched his friend in the face.

As much as he knew Arbun didn’t need his protection, he still felt the overwhelming urge to do just that. He dodged a fist to the face and answered that move with a kick to the guy’s stomach and an added one to his ribs. The entire floor of the bar erupted into one huge melee, some coming to Arbun’s defense, some coming to stop Kylo, and others just…wailing on each other.

Fuck, this was fun! Kylo punched another guy and hoped Arbun would return soon so he could make the purple guy beside him apologize already. He really didn’t want to drain too much of his power, not without Ben and Rey around.

A table came hurtling at him. Kylo whipped out his lightsaber, flashing red and crackling into the dim interior, and sliced the table in half to fall on both sides of him. The room froze, all eyes on the weapon.

Arbun wiggled out from between burly bodies to stand beside her man. She spread her arms out. “Who wants some of this shit now?”

Kylo figured since he had already come this far, he might as well keep on going. He raised the lightsaber to the first fucker’s throat and snarled. “Now you will apologize.”

Huge eyes reflecting the red, the guy finally squeaked, “I’m sorry.”

Kylo immediately let him drop and turned off his lightsaber. A split second later, the crowd returned to a warzone, bottles flying, pool hoverballs shooting across the room, a chair went airborne, and a table flattened a group.

And here came those crowd control droids, spraying that mist. Kylo took one look at Arbun, grinned, and flung his hand out. The droids smashed against the wall, and the two warriors swung back into battle.

Kylo skidded out of the bar with Arbun’s hand in his, both giggling and racing for the Skybike. In the distance, the flashing lights of police were drawing closer, so it was time to make haste out of there. Kylo leapt onto his bike with Arbun right in tow, her hands wrapping around his waist. Helmets on, belts on, he fired the Skybike into action, sped across the ramp, and took off at a speed no other rider could match.

Arbun squeezed him from behind and spoke through the helmet sound system. “Oh my stars Ky, you did it. You actually showed me the Force-choke! And you picked the perfect prick to demonstrate on.”

“You liked that?”

“Fucking love it! When we get home, I am going to just _destroy_ you.” She wiggled her body against his back.

Kylo grinned and punched them forward even faster.

~*~

Kylo and Arbun barged into the house, still laughing their heads off about the fight. Ben and Rey were snacking at the kitchen bar while Han perused the liquor cabinet for his endless Corellian whiskey supply.

Ben lifted his eyebrows. “You two seem like you had a lot of fun out there.”

Arbun clung to Kylo’s shoulders as she fought to contain herself. “If the cops call, tell them we were here all night!” She laughed into his chest once more, and Kylo kept right along with her. He paused to kiss her head, loving every bit of her. In her he had someone who knew his deep-seated urge for battle, who could fight beside him and come home and just love him after.

All the things he had once wanted with Rey. But that was in the past, and now he had what he was looking for.

Ben’s face twisted in confusion. “Where did you _go?_ ”

“Sky-Bar,” Kylo said.

Rey squawked in offense. “You went to a bar? Without me?”

Arbun waved her off. “Don’t even worry about it. It ended in this huge fight—”

Rey let out a full-blown cry. “You went to drunken bar fight without me?!”

“Well, in our defense, it wasn’t planned until some asshole had to start shit.”

Kylo wrapped his arms around her from behind. “No one ever insults my girl.” He kissed the side of her head and nuzzled the side of her face.

“Yeah, we kind of had to show him and his cronies who’s boss.” She turned and spoke against Kylo’s lips. “It was so sexy.” Then she kissed him. Again. And again.

Rey turned and shoved Ben’s arm. “How come you never take me to drunken bar fights?”

Ben tipped his head toward her, eyebrows high. “Rey, do you _really_ want me at a drunken bar fight?”

After thinking it over, Rey turned back to Kylo. “Don’t go to any more bars without me!”

“Promise,” Arbun said, “next bar fight, you get first invitation.”

Han huffed. “You better not bring Ben, Rey. I’m not sure there’s enough room inside your shirt for him to hide in.”

Ben growled, “Shut up, Dad!”

“Honestly, could you imagine him at a bar fight?”

As Rey opened her mouth to answer, Ben snapped, “What the hell do you need to go to a bar for, anyway? You got enough liquor in that cabinet to stock the entire star system!”

“Well, maybe if you drank a fine spirit like your old man instead of that gut-rotting crap in the other cabinet—”

“Oh, _my_ stuff rots your gut? At least I’ll still have a liver by the end of it!”

“You won’t need it since you’re going to give yourself a heart attack with that garbage long before my liver goes out—”

“Oh your liver probably looks like a colander—”

Arbun nodded. “Wow Ky, you were right. They really don’t ever stop going at it.”

Kylo chuckled and kissed her temple. “Nope.”

Han kept on. “And what the hell would you do at a bar fight? Throw math at them?”

Ben growled and stuck out his finger. “I’ll have you know—”

Arbun patted Han’s arm. “Oh come on, Papa Solo. You’re talking about the guy who took down an entire Star Destroyer with the gear on his belts. And the entire system controlling the ships on Exegol too, right?”

Ben blinked, surprised. “Uh, yeah.”

“So if you had your gear at a drunken bar fight, what would you do? I want to imagine it.”

Ben perked. “Oh, well I guess it depends on the strategy. Am I just getting myself to safety while Rey has fun? Am I getting us all out of there? I guess the first thing would be to throw a slippery surface pellet. Fun fact…”

Kylo did nothing but watch Arbun as she listened, loving her even more than he thought was possible. She defended Ben. From Dad, no less. Kylo always said any woman that loved him had to love Ben, and she did.

She was perfect.

~*~

They finally made their way up to Kylo’s room. He waved for the door to shut and slid off his leather jacket. It only took seconds for Arbun’s hands to be on him, stroking his bare arms from shoulder to elbow.

She looked up at him, eyes glittering. “Thank you for standing up for me, taking care of that jerk.”

“Of _course_. I love you. I won’t let anyone hurt you, or get away with it.”

She drew his locks of hair over his shoulders and let the strands sift through her fingers. “You know you’re always beautiful and sexy to me, but tonight? Arm wrestling, seeing you wail on those guys, seeing you Force-choke that asshole.” She nuzzled into his neck and inhaled. “You were the sexiest I’ve ever seen you.”

Kylo buried his lips in her hair. “Oh yeah? How about you? Out there fighting, my little warrior, guarding my back.” He smiled. “I liked it when you grabbed my thigh.”

“ _I_ liked it when I grabbed your thigh.” She kissed his neck, warm tingling pecks he felt right into his groin. Then she whispered into his ear, “I’d like to grab something else now.”

He hoped she meant what he thought she meant—oh, she slid her leg up around his hip and pressed up against him. Yep, he got it right. “Oh yeah? What’s stopping you?”

Her hand slid down his stomach, over his belt, and right onto his already bulging manhood. “These pants of yours are stopping me, but I do like that leather leaving nothing to the imagination.”

She gave him a good squeeze, and he groaned into her neck with a chuckle. “I could always take them off.”

Arbun bit her lip and bounced onto his bed. “Striptease! Striptease!” She plopped down and propped her head up with her fist.

Kylo blinked at her. “Uh…what?”

“A striptease is when you take your clothes off in a slow and sexy manner that makes me slick enough to go down a waterslide without any water.”

Kylo’s eyes widened. “Holy shit.”

Arbun wiggled her hips. “Come on, let’s see that sexy body of yours.”

_Striptease equals ‘Let me see that sexy body of yours.’ Got it._ He grinned. “Okay.” Kylo grasped the hem of his shirt and pulled it up slowly over his head. He shook his hair out that fell in midnight waves against his shoulders.

“Ohhh, nice. Let’s see the gun show.”

Kylo blinked and narrowed one eye. “You…want me to get my blaster?”

“You are so cute I could eat you. Not actual guns, just flex so I can see all those big muscles of yours.”

_Gun show equals muscles. Fuck, this is a lot to learn. Normal people are weird._ Kylo hoisted his arms up and tightened.

“Ohhhhh I love you.” Arbun draped onto the bed. “How did I get such a beautiful man like you?”

Kylo blushed and smiled. He wished he could tell her how much those little words meant to him. “I love you too. So…so damn much. You’re so beautiful, everything…everything about you is so beautiful. You make me so happy, Arbun.”

She grinned. “I’m about to make you even happier. Come on, keep stripping. Let me see all the pretties.”

Kylo tipped his head back and worked his belt open, then his pants. Something about this made a sense of power snake through his body. “You like what you see?”

Arbun nodded with her lip between her teeth. “And I can’t wait to see more.”

He couldn’t wait to show her. Having her nearly worship him, it touched so many spaces that made the Darkness flow in him, lightly, softly, but it was there. He had to keep it under control, though. Between Tai and Dayn, even while Arbun promised to accept him, those two rejections to this real and deep part of him kept stabbing him with fear.

Kylo pulled off each boot, maintaining his excellent balance on one foot, then let his pants fall to his ankles. He stepped out of them and arched his hips toward her, still clad in his black underwear. “What do you think of me now?”

Her grin of desire melted into something else as she squinted and leaned forward. “Is…is that…Ky, you have Darth Vader on your doodle.”

What the fuck? Kylo leaned over and pulled his underwear up to find an image of Darth Vader’s mask right on his bulge. “Oh shit, the droids must have mixed up my underpants with Ben’s!” What a fucking moment to find out you had your grandfather painted on your drawers.

Arbun broke into a wheezing, cackling laugh that she buried into the bed. Well, he ruined that moment. How the hell did he not notice that this morning?

“I swear I didn’t see that earlier,” she cried, barely able to breathe through her laughter. “It must have been the angle…oh my stars…oh this is the best ever!”

The shame of it burned as hot splotches down his chest, but then he had to seriously think about it. _Arbun would never make fun of me or humiliate me. If she’s laughing, maybe it’s okay to laugh at this too._ And he imagined it had to have been funny from her point of view, expecting this sexy stripdown and seeing Darth Vader staring at her from between his legs.

He broke into giggles before rolling into full laughter.

Arbun was still barely able to catch her breath. “Oh…Oh Dark Lord, come wave your lightsaber at me!”

He really, really hoped he understood the joke. “I have a lightsaber for you alright.” He pulled off the underpants and gave his hardened appendage a quick swing with his hips.

“Yes!” she cried, wiping her eyes. “Oh come subdue me, my Dark Lord.”

If she kept saying that, she was going to get exactly that person, as he felt it creeping through him once more. Feeling an unusual sense of power, he slowly strode over, then stopped with his head cocked back. Compelled by the heat in his body combined with the climbing Darkness, he didn’t fully think through what came out of his mouth next. “Kneel before your Dark Lord.” A shuddering breath followed.

He was about to apologize for running his mouth in such a manner when Arbun climbed down from the bed and crawled over to him with a grin on her face. Just when he thought his dick couldn’t get any harder, this little move of hers stirred something deep, maybe things he should keep suppressed, shuttered, buried in the grave of Exegol where it was born.

But then she stopped before him, on her knees, and slid her hands up his legs. His breaths nearly outpaced his shaking body as she rose up just high enough…just…high…enough.

Her hand grasped his hardened, needy appendage while the other cupped his scrotum in a loving caress. “With pleasure, your worshipfulness.” Her tongue slid along the entire length of his shaft.

With a hefty and sudden breath, he only had one thing to say. “Oh shit…” When her mouth slid over him, hot, wet, slippery, and with a tongue that teased him in every direction, he realized he was the one at her mercy, never the other way around. “Oh my stars…”

He tipped his head back and groaned. Fuck! This felt so good, beyond what Melanie could do for him. The sensation was so different, so much softer, wetter, and real, oh so real, where it wasn’t just about release but the journey to get there. He looked back down to see her eyes on his, loving him, physically and emotionally. And it was so, sooo good!

She popped off with an extra lick. “Ky-bear?”

“Uh huh?” he squeaked.

“This whole worship thing is fun, but you’re a giant tree and my back is killing me. Can we move to the bed?”

“What? Oh! Yeah, sure, of course. A-anything for you!”

Well, that whole ‘Get on your knees for the Dark Lord’ thing lasted for about two seconds before he would do anything she told him and thank her for the privilege. He helped her to her feet and buried a kiss so deep into her he had to brace her back before she plain fell over.

Arbun shifted against him, and suddenly he flew onto the bed, bouncing onto his back with surprise. Never underestimate a professional grappler. She crawled up between his legs once more and wet her lips.

“Love,” he said, panting in anticipation, “don’t you want me to take your clothes off too?”

She grasped him once again and planted sweet little kisses up his shaft. “This one’s all for you, sweet man.”

“But don’t you—” He crashed into a long groan as she slipped down on him once again while caressing his sack in gentle, loving circles. He never felt anything like this, nothing like this, and he kept turning from side to side on the pillow, writhing in such absolute pleasure he wasn’t sure if he could stay sane by the end of it.

“Fuck!” fell in light whispers from his lips. He tilted his head down to watch her, and she kept her eyes on his. So good. So…so fucking good. The pleasure and so much more.

His body burned with fire, but he could feel her heat, too. On some deep animalistic level, he could feel her pulse, her heart beating with her sacred vitality. Passion…so much passion.

He wished he could lean down and suckle at her pulse point, to taste the life force pumping through her, to crave it and want it, to want to bite down and drink it for himself, fuel his passion, fuel his power.

Their hearts beat in a rhythmic drum hearkening back to the earliest of all Force users, dancing to the pulsing hum of the energy that flowed through the universe. His pleasure heightened even more as raw power snaked through him, fueling the darkest parts of himself.

“Do you like sucking my cock?” he asked in a manner that seemed almost unlike him. This was a part of himself come alive through passion, passion that fueled his power, power that lifted him above the frail weaknesses of humanity and elevated him so much higher.

Arbun slipped off with an extra lick. “I _love_ sucking your cock.”

Yes, that’s what he wanted to hear. _Worship me. Fucking worship me._ He closed his eyes and sunk into this feeling of full body pleasure that was building and building from the Darkness feeding off his passion.

He tipped his head back down, ready to tell her how much he wanted to fuck her right into oblivion, and caught her eyes once again.

They widened, and she startled, looking confused and wary. His eyes! Shit!

Kylo immediately clamped them shut and covered them with his hand, his heart pounding, fear clamping a vice around his stomach. “Fuck!”

Arbun slipped off of him, “Ky—”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Just—I’ll control it, I promise—”

“Ky—”

He slammed his other hand to his face. “Please don’t leave me. Oh stars, please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry!”

“Shhhhh, Ky, hey…” While he heaved breaths of panic, he felt her hand smooth over his stomach in warm, loving circles. “It’s okay, Ky. It’s okay. I was just surprised to see your eyes like that, that’s all.”

“I’ll make it stop!” And he tried, he really tried to just suck the Darkness back into himself. Stars, he was so scared, and that just fueled it instead of calming it.

“No-no, Ky, hey, listen, shhhhhh.” She didn’t let go of his manhood, but she adjusted and reached out to grab his arm, pulling. “Ky, it’s okay, I mean it. Let me see you.”

He shook his head, one hand still covering his face.

Arbun reached for that one too. “Ky, I _want_ to see you. Exactly as you are. Ky, I’m not afraid of who you are.” Even gentler now. “You can show me. I’m not afraid.”

But he was, because this was the point where everything always went wrong. When Arbun left his quickly softening manhood, he knew it was over. Just like always.

“Hey,” she whispered outside his ear and followed with soft kisses along his cheek.

Surprised, Kylo finally uncovered his face and blinked his eyes open. “You’re still here?”

She stroked his hair. “Like I said I would be.” She looked him over. “Your eyes are almost back to normal. Still a little light, like amber.” She smiled. “You’re so beautiful.”

Kylo swallowed against a dry throat. “Why aren’t you afraid?”

“I told you I wouldn’t be, I was just surprised because I’d never seen your eyes that color, or like, glowing.” She gathered him in her arms, and he nuzzled into her cleavage. “I’m sorry if I made it seem like I was scared, but I wasn’t, just intrigued. You can be yourself around me, I promise.”

“I just don’t want you to leave me. I…I love you so much and I’m so scared.”

“Shhhh, it’s okay. We’re okay. This is not grounds for leaving you. So your eyes turned colors, big whoop. I know you have Dark Side powers. You told me from the start. I promise, Ky, I’m not afraid of you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Kylo could only hold her tighter and nestle deeper into her embrace, as if trying to merge with her in case she did try to escape, so he’d never be left cold and alone.

Arbun stroked his hair while he clung to her. “So what made your power rise up? I wasn’t like, pissing you off or anything, was I?”

Kylo finally popped out of her cleavage. “No! Not at all, I loved it, I…” He finally smiled. “You made me feel so good. I never felt so good before like that. It’s…passion that makes it rise up, just like anger, fear, hatred. All different avenues, but this was just passion. It’s happened before, with my exes.”

“So you were okay with what I was doing?”

“Yeah, of course! I loved it! But the rising of the power, it’s not just about feeling good. It’s not the same like when I’m eating or having fun, like riding Skybikes or something. It’s something very…base, primitive, instinctual. The Darkness gets really attracted to the deepest of desires, and it hungers for vitality, this…life or death balance, like a hunter capturing its prey. I…I can’t explain it. I don’t know, it’s like everything about me is primed for those very raw, animal-like things: my heightened sense of smell, my hunger, my physicality and aggression. I’m made for the Darkness, and it just…pours through me.” He shook his head. “I’m not the only one. Ben and Rey say it happens to them too. But for them it’s more balanced, they have greater control because they can wield the Light with just as much ease. But me? It goes right to the Dark, and I just started learning the passion part of it. I don’t yet have full control of when it comes or when it goes.”

Arbun nodded. “Would practicing help? Practice mastering it through passionate encounters?”

“Well, yeah, but without someone with me, like a real, live, breathing person, it doesn’t come up as strong, so I haven’t had a chance to really work on it.”

She stroked his face with the backs of her fingers. “So let’s work on it.”

He met her eyes, confused. “Huh?”

“I know you know how to use your powers, to control and direct them. You just need practice in this area. So let’s practice.”

He sat up. “You mean it?”

She smiled. “Yeah. You know, as long as you don’t like, set me on fire or anything.”

“Oh no-no, I would never do that.”

“Because that would kind of suck.”

“Yeah it…” He broke into a smile. “Would definitely suck. No, I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

Arbun smiled and kissed him, and in her kiss he found acceptance, ease, comfort and release. Could she really tolerate the full extent of his Darkness as she said she would? He wasn’t sure, but he got the sense that she’d at least try. And that was a lot more than his exes had been willing to do for him.

Her kisses left his lips and trailed down his neck, so entrancing and tingling, making him sprout back up once more as she made her way down his chest.

“Arbun,” he said as she was about to his line of hairs at the bottom of his stomach, “don’t you want me to pleasure you too?”

“All you today,” she said as she grasped his hardness again. “Besides, you need the practice, right?”

“Well yeah, but—” And his words were drowned out in a sigh once more by the utmost pleasure slipping over and over again along his aching shaft. Fuck she felt so good, fuck fuck fuck! He moaned again, followed by whispers of her name and, “So good,” over and over.

The heat built once more, fire racing through his skin, his heart pulsing to fuel it. Then came that curling sense of desire that went beyond physical need—a want, a lust, a deep insistence on all that could be had. Power: to be anything, to do anything, to have everything. Coupled with the most intense pleasure he’s ever felt in his life, it flooded, built, and expanded.

He felt it. In waves, he felt it emanating off of him. He looked down at Arbun to see if she could feel it too. Her eyes were on his, and she released his sack to point to her eyes.

Breath pouring from his lips, he asked the question he already knew the answer to. “Are my eyes glowing?”

She answered with a thumbs-up, eyes smiling. Then her hand slid over his skin, skating along the muscles of his stomach, over his thigh, to his inner thigh, and back right again to their original position, full of loving massages.

She was okay. And she still loved him, still touched him. She was accepting him.

But would she accept more? How much could she really tolerate? It was an honest question laced with a faintly sinister tone. He wanted to know how much she could truly accept him, and the Darkness wanted to know how much she could take.

His voice off cadence, fueled by the intoxicating air of the Darkness, he asked, “Do you like it?”

She nodded, thumbs up once again.

His breaths increased, and he could feel the air vibrating around him in fiery pulses. She was accepting, and both parts of him were pleased. Writhing in the throes of such deep passionate tension, the energy started pouring out of him. The objects in his room rose of their own accord. Or was he doing it? Consciously, unconsciously, he didn’t even know anymore.

“Look around,” he commanded in a voice deeper than he expected.

Arbun slid off of him with an extra lick and gave a quick survey with a jump. “Whoa! Now that is cool!”

Panting, on fire, he gazed at her with power-infused intensity. “Tell me how much you like it.”

She gave him another long lick up his entire shaft with a flick at the tip. “It’s sexy as hell, my Dark Fucking Lord.” And she was on him again in full suckles.

His eyes blazed in excitement, edges of his mouth curling in delight. The Darkness within him nearly became its own entity, and the energy in the room took on a strange sensation he had only vaguely felt once.

And he was close. Really…really close.

He could feel the bed vibrating beneath him, perhaps the house even. Something hummed at a high pitch he couldn’t ascertain. And he loved it! He loved all of it, that feeling of power swirling all around him, unbidden and raw, pure Darkness with no direction or control or command.

Kylo looked down at Arbun as he felt that incredible overwhelming high that was a level of pleasure beyond belief and gasped to see her hair standing on end. His hands sparked, crackling with red-tinged static, and as he crested into the most intense orgasm he had ever experienced, he flung his hands out and away from her.

He roared into his release, and she kept going and going to the point he was about to go insane and enjoy the trip. A flash lit up the room, and he opened his eyes just in time to see red lightning burst from his hands and strike the walls. A thunderous cracking scared the shit out of him, and apparently Arbun, too. Before she could swallow or do a thing, she spit everything he just released in a spray all over his stomach.

The objects in the room dropped, and both just sat there, staring with their mouths open, while smoke filled the room. The fire alarm bleated, and the fire suppressant mist started pouring from the ceiling.

Kylo looked at Arbun. Arbun looked at Kylo.

She was the first to laugh, break the tension, her eyes wide, chest heaving. That gave him permission to do the same, hefty panting finally breaking into huge huffs of laughter.

“I gave you a blow job,” she cried, cackling, “not a blow up the house job!”

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut as he laughed his ass off. Oh, he hoped he didn’t destroy anything important. The V-8-R panels—old and new ones from more recent fury that didn’t make their way to the rage room—held up well, but the high cabinets were smoking.

“Kylo?!” Ben cried on the outside of the door. “Buddy? What’s going on? The fire alarm’s going off. You guys okay?”

The fire suppressant system was already sucking out the smoke. Kylo had absolutely no idea how to explain this. “Uh…yeah bro, we’re fine.”

Arbun called, “Nothing to see here!”

Kylo burst into laughter and fell face-first onto the bed.

Now Rey was yelling from the other side. “What the hell’s happening? We felt a shitload of Dark energy come plowing through here. Open up!”

Kylo looked down at himself, naked as hell and covered in semen. “I-I can’t! You gotta give me a few minutes.”

“Open the fucking door, dumbass, or I’m breaking it in!”

Then Ben murmured, “I have the master lock system on my comm, we don’t have to—”

“OPEN UP!”

Kylo sprung off the bed to find something to cover himself with, hoping to grab a towel in time, but all he could find was the Darth Vader underwear. He didn’t even have time to put it on before the door whizzed open, and so he just held it over his most expressive parts.

“See?” Ben said, pointing at his comm. “You don’t need to break down doors, because then I have to fix them—”

Rey stormed in and frowned at the mess and smoke. “What the hell did you do in here?” She turned to Arbun, who had her fist in her mouth. “Are you okay? Are you hurt or anything?”

Arbun shook her head and could not contain her laughter, turning red and falling over onto the bed.

“Force fucking hell!” Kylo said. “Why do you just assume I hurt her?”

Rey planted her hands on her hips. “That surge of Darkness was like _my_ level of Force energy—are those Darth Vader underpants?”

Ben tossed his hands up. “ _There_ those are! I’ve been looking everywhere for those!”

“Why do you have Ben’s underpants?”

Kylo leaned forward, baring his teeth. “Why are you _staring_ at my underpants area?”

Rey’s eyes sprung up and turned to Ben, who questioned the same with his raised eyebrows. Rey immediately averted her gaze to anything else in the room while Arbun struggled to breathe through her laughter. “Forget all that, what the hell happened in here?”

Kylo sighed. “We were…doing sexual things, and it was intense. Really…” He looked at Arbun and smiled. “ _Really_ intense. So fucking good—”

“Yeah yeah, got it. Now explain the fire.”

“Force-lightning shot out of my hands, in every direction. It just came out.”

Arbun sucked in a breath. “It came when you came!” And she was back to heaving and snorting into the blankets.

Ben tried to hide his chuckling and failed. “O-okay, we get it, got it. As long as everyone’s safe.”

“Exactly,” Rey said, finding no amusement. “Kylo, you know Arbun doesn’t have Force capability. If you can’t control something like Force-lightning of all things—”

Kylo scoffed. “I will _learn_ , okay? Fuck, it’s the first time it happened like that. Give me a break.”

“You nearly set the house on fire!”

“Oh like you never set anything on fire!”

Rey opened her mouth and just as quickly closed it. “That is not the point! And we’re not talking about me, here.”

“He’ll learn,” Arbun said, sitting up. She grinned. “Just needs lots and lots of practice.”

Kylo smiled and tried to keep his dick from getting hard already, especially when the only thing holding it at bay from Rey and his brother was a pair of Darth Vader underpants.

Ben nodded. “Look, it’s fine, as long as everyone’s safe. Maybe you should get dressed and—” He cleared his throat. “—clean up, let me have Ap’lek take a look and make sure there’s no hidden fires inside the boards or panels or anything.”

Arbun tipped her head up. “Ap’lek?”

“Oh yeah, one of the Knights of Ben.”

A moment passed. “The Knights of Ben?”

Rey sighed. “His team of droids. Fine, whatever, just maybe you ought to _practice_ in the rage room from now on before you blow the place up.”

Arbun burst into laughter again, and Kylo joined her, their inside joke totally lost on the other two.

Ben flashed them with a questioning look, then shrugged. “We can always get a bed put in there if you want, until you, well, you know, get more control of your power during…yeahhhh…” He gathered Rey’s hand. “Come on, let’s give them back their privacy.” He turned and pointed. “And I want those underpants back!” He turned back, took two steps, and turned again. “After they’re washed!”

Once they left and the doors were closed, both Kylo and Arbun screamed into laughter. “I can’t believe it!” she cried. “You standing there covered in cum and hiding your dangles behind Darth Vader drawers! I can’t!”

Through his chuckles, Kylo said, “This is the craziest sexual experience I think I ever had.” He stepped over to Arbun and held her cheek with his free hand. “And the best. Stars, I fucking love you, Arbun.”

She leaned into his hand and smiled. “I love you too.” She rubbed the drying fluids on his stomach. “Mr. Messy.”

He chuckled and sighed. “Let me get cleaned up real quick and then we’ll let Ap’lek in here. Fuck, baby…” He leaned down and nuzzled her neck, pecking her with kisses. “What about you? You made me feel so good today, and I haven’t done anything for you.”

She purred and sighed. “I told you, today was all about you.”

He warmed from pecking to wet, mouthy kisses along her skin. “I can make you feel good, I promise.”

“Soon, Ky-bear.”

Why didn’t she want him to touch her? It was getting strange. He leaned in to look her in the eyes, nose to nose. “Why not now? I…know I’m inexperienced, but—”

“Ky, no, it’s nothing to do with you, not at all. I’m…on my period.”

He paused, what was that again? He had a vague memory of Ben silently flagging him down behind Rey and mouthing the word on occasions when Kylo was ready to get an attitude with her.

“Woman’s time of the month? Do you know about that?”

Then it hit him, he did learn about that when he first started taking those catch-up courses before starting school for the first time. “Ohhhhh, right.”

“Yeah, messy. Verrry messy. Do not recommend.” She kissed his nose. “Right now anyway.” She smiled and kissed his lips. “But by next week, maybe we can try the bed in the rage room, blow that sucker up too.”

He liked that idea! “Okay. Let me just get cleaned up and dressed. Maybe we can sit on the patio while Ap’lek checks everything out.”

~*~

Curled up on the big lounge chair outside his room, they watched the starships streak in and out of the atmosphere against the night sky. He loved these moments, where they just basked in each other’s presence, warm and cuddly in each other’s arms. Sometimes he wondered what his old self would say if he went back in time to tell him what awaited. Would Kylo Ren even believe it? That anyone could love him? That he could be happy?

He kissed Arbun’s head and stroked her arm. Despite all the fun they had, he felt bad that he came twice and she got nothing. Working his jaw, he had an idea. “Love, can you still feel good even when you’re on your period?”

“Well, yeah, it’s just an unholy mess. I mean, if you have sheets and blankets you hate and wish death on your mattress, I can still have a good time.”

Whoa, he loved his bed, better not go there. But maybe there was something else. “What if…I could make you feel good…without even taking your clothes off?”

Arbun raised an eyebrow. “Go oooon.”

“Is it okay to touch you?”

“Suuure, though I’m curious how…”

Kylo lowered his hand and kept it a few inches from her pants. He reached out with the Force and felt along beyond the fabric and other layers, sensing her delicate folds beneath.

Arbun gasped and looked up at him in surprise with a soft smile on her lips.

Kylo closed his eyes, sensing, trying to imagine while also feeling along. Up through the folds, searching for that elusive little—

“Oh!” she said in a breathy voice.

“Did I hit the right spot?”

“Mm hm.”

Good, then all he had to do was rub it over and over—

Arbun gasped again. “Oh shit…oh Ky…oh my stars…” She closed her eyes, her mouth open to direct her breaths, chest rising and falling.

“You like that?” he purred with a smile.

“Ah hah. Stars, Ky…oh wow…”

He leaned forward and caught her in a kiss, burying it deep within her while he amped up his speed. She wrapped her leg around his hips, and he was trying not to get himself hard once more. Then again, he could probably get the both of them going this way if he was crafty enough.

Arbun writhed against him, and he took his kiss to her neck, turning it into pecks and nips, followed by a flicking tongue that told her what he’d do with it if he was down below. She moaned his name over and over, and fuck, he was getting horny! But she spent so much time working on him, it was her turn.

He whispered against her lips, “Do you think I can pleasure you inside too? Just like this?”

“Please,” she whispered.

So he reached in, with Force-fingers as if they were the ones on his hands, and sought her sweet spot. He knew he reached it when she let out the most beautiful cry that got his dick straight up like a damn skyscraper.

“Oh my stars…Oh my Ky…oh stars, yes!”

Fuuuck it was like a siren song, and all he wanted to do was bury himself in her. Maybe it was too much for him, but fuck it, he was going to do it anyway. He reached out with the Force once more, grabbed hold of himself, and with three simultaneous extensions, pleasured her two most sensitive spots and his own.

Well hell, this would do just nicely. He moaned against her soft, sweet cries, and then she shoved her tongue right into his throat, wrapping her body around his and rocking against him. He felt her pressure against him, his own Force massage, and still kept her going while her kisses devoured him and her warm, soft body cradled him in pure delight.

Her cries built up, amplifying in volume and pitch while still her mouth was firmly planted on his, and he loved it, every second of it. Loved her squealing cries of the orgasm that ripped through her, loved the way she squeezed his body against hers as if she’d never let him go, loved how she thrust her hips against his and helped him to his own explosion, loved how their pleasure-filled bliss wrapped them both in pure ecstasy at once.

But most of all, he loved her.

And even better, she loved him.

Beneath the stars of the galaxy, twinkling outside Chandrila’s atmosphere, he stared into her eyes full of hazy smiles and satiated desires.

Love. All he ever wanted. And now it was his.

And after a much needed shower from bathing in his own reproductive juices multiple times that day, he sought Ben and Rey for a dyad boost of his Force energy.

Because if he had love in his hands, he was going to keep it as long as he could, and no genetic condition was going to take that away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhh Ky has had one hell of a fun day, huh? It's a nice change of pace to see his happiness, allowing himself to relax into joy for the first time. And Arbun has to be something special to be in the midst of a Force-lightning strike and still laugh it off. 
> 
> And why WAS Rey so interested in Ky's underpants area??? ;) 
> 
> Next week we're going to continue the smile trend. Kylo explores a little more of what it's like to have a "normal" relationship, plus he has an audition coming up! Stay tuned!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	18. Darksiders Do it Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo learns to channel his newest powers through a wildly passionate encounter. Then it's time to audition for the theater program.
> 
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>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like smut? Because this is LOADED with it! No real CW, but there will be some nipping and nibbling if you get my drift.
> 
> Also, it's been years since I was in an acting class in high school, so if the audition section is not up to modern standards, I'm just going to lie and say that's how they do it in a galaxy far far away. Yeah.

Kylo jammed the controls of the Silencer and flew it into a corkscrew maneuver, firing the green photon lasers at the asteroid field and darting between resulting debris. Arbun squealed in delight behind him, fluffing up his pride and making him grin.

A hand snaked around his chest from behind. “You are _so_ good at this, Ky. And you’re right, it beats the hell out of the TIE Fighters game.”

“When you’re on the edge of life and death, there’s no greater place to feel more alive.” He slowed the ship to a stop. Moments later, warm kisses greeted his ear.

“I love it when you get poetic.” She slid her tongue along the outer edge.

He was already getting hard from the flight, and this just made his pants two sizes too small. “Nah, I could never be poetic. I’m not like those writers who turn words into art.”

She cupped his cheek and drew his face toward her. “Maybe you should listen to yourself sometime. The way you talk about things, it’s like a dream for the ears.”

That almost seemed impossible. When he first arrived in Chandrila, he could hardly form decent sentences unless he was talking about cutting someone’s head off or destroying an enemy armada, or his beloved Silencer. That he could sound poetic took him by surprise.

Maybe it was just the company. He certainly had inspiration. Arbun leaned in and kissed him, and he drew up his gloved hand to grasp her cheek.

She turned and kissed his palm. “Mmm, leather. Are you trying to set my vagina on fire?”

He hoped that was a good thing and considering the source, it usually was. “Whatever it takes.”

“It doesn’t take much, sexy thing.” Her kiss plunged in ever deeper, and her hand roved his leather-jacketed chest.

Kylo almost thought to just take her right there, in the cockpit, but maybe some other time. He wanted their first time to be special, for the both of them. Dayn had been exciting but, looking back, he realized so much had gone wrong, and only with wiser eyes did he realize it. Forget that he could barely fit in her to begin with, but she couldn’t accept his Darkness or his exhuberant love, and he hated that it took him this long to realize what all those cues meant.

Arbun accepted all of him, and since the Dark was going to come up with absolute certainty, he wanted to concentrate fully on it, explore it, and not blow up a ship in the middle of space if things got too crazy. So when her hand found its way to his aching hardness, it took all his strength to resist.

“Damn, sweet man, you really _do_ get all fired up every time you fly something.”

Kylo purred as he smiled. “Yeah, I do. But maybe we should save that for later, not that I really want you to stop.”

“Lightning plus electronics equals bad?”

“Something like that.”

She gave him one last squeeze that made his toes curl, added a gentle pat, and drew her hand back up to sink into his hair. “Okay fine, but tell your little buddy he has a date later.”

He smiled against her lips, then had to ask. “You mean my dick, right?”

“Yes Ky-bear.”

“Okay, got it. Hey, you want to shoot something?”

She jolted, surprised. “You’re going to let me fire your ship? For real?”

He smiled. “Yeah. Come on, sit on my lap.”

Arbun raised her eyebrow. “Pants on or off?”

Kylo giggled and kissed her once more. “Don’t tempt me. Come on. Nothing sexier than blowing some piece of junk out of the sky.”

Arbun unbuckled herself and nestled over his lap in a very obvious and titillating way. “I could think of sexier things that include blowing.”

Kylo groaned and nibbled her shoulder, making her giggle. “You keep that up and I’m going to ruin another pair of pants.”

“And Darth Vader undies?”

“I gave those _all_ back to Ben!”

“Awww, then maybe you should get yourself a Yoda set. Nothing hotter than a gritty green old Jedi full of weirdly spoken wisdom holding back that giant cock of yours.”

Kylo got a visual of Yoda’s face spreading over the contours of his underparts and burst into laughter. Then he hugged her, so fulfilled every day in every way now that he was with her. His family was wonderful, but Arbun had been teaching him how to just be human in so many more ways than they could. And also teaching him about his heart, his joys, what made him laugh, really, what made him a person like any other. It was rare now that he thought about being a creature from a jar, an abomination as some would have called him. While he was with Arbun, he was just human, and he liked feeling that way.

With one last kiss to the side of her head, he gently grasped her hands and placed them on the controls. “You can see the targeting system on the viewport. Just pull these riiiight into place, and when the target lines up with the asteroid, you press this button. Go ahead, give it a try.”

She turned quickly to him. “Hey, do or do not, there is no try. Remember the mighty words of Cock-Yoda.”

It took a moment to register the quote from Galaxy Wars 5, then he burst into laughter and gave her a squeeze. “Stars, I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She gave him the softest, sweetest kiss, then turned back to the viewport. “Now let me show you how much by blasting the shit out of this rock.”

“You do know what I like.”

After a few moments of aiming, she shoved in the button. Two blasts of bright green coursed forward, the asteroid bursting into dust. Arbun squealed and clapped, then stood and turned, climbing onto him face-first and wrapping her legs around the pilot’s seat. “How was that?”

Kylo slid his hands over her back, then around to her stomach with a coursing over her breasts. “Perfect, just like you.”

“Awww.” She leaned in for a kiss, her arms around his neck. “Does that mean I get to be a Darksider too, now?”

He peppered kisses along the soft, bare spot of her chest. “I’d be honored if you’d join me.”

She rained kisses on his forehead. “Only if you beg.”

Kylo suckled at her pulse point, dragging his tongue along the path of her heartbeat. “Join me. Please?”

Arbun sunk her fingers into his hair and growled. “How can you continue to be so stinking cute and sexy at the same time?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer, plunging her tongue into his mouth.

Kylo held her against him, trying not to dig his fingers into her skin. Especially when she started grinding on him, his hardness never having a moment to quiet down this entire trip.

Kylo pulled her hair back to expose her neck to him, and through a soft, hazy smile she said, “I honestly would let you do anything and everything to me, but I can see your eyes already getting lighter.”

He nuzzled into her neck and growled just below her ear. “I can’t help it. You call right to the Darkness in me.” His voice turned to a whisper right outside her ear. “It wants you as much as I do.”

“And your ship wants to stay alive, and I’m kind of agreeing. So until we get those awesome powers of yours under control…”

Kylo tipped his head back with a sigh and a soft smile. “Agree with you, the council does.”

“That’s it, I’m totally getting you Yoda underpants.”

He laughed and patted her on the rear. “Come on, let’s head back. Then maybe we can continue this conversation somewhere safer.”

~*~

The moment they climbed out of the ship, Arbun tackled him onto the hull with a kiss and one leg wrapped around his hip. Well that was it. He had been riding incessant desire for hours, not even sure his erection ever went down. It was time to rectify that situation.

It was time to hit the rage room.

Ben had the bed installed, and while Kylo got used to his new powers, that’s where they were going to go, even if he would have preferred the comfort of his room. Finally, their first time together. He couldn’t wait to inhale her scent, feel her heat, relish in the primordial fire that would curl through his veins—

“Ky!” Ben called from the house. “We’re almost set up, come on!”

His dick was going to throat-punch someone soon. “For _what?_ ”

Ben gave him the most incredulous stare as if Kylo suggested they watch forty hours of endless sports coverage. “Caverns and Rancors! What else?”

“Aw fuck, what day is it?” He checked his comm. “Shit!” Kylo turned to Arbun in complete frustration and a questioning look.

She gave him a quick hug and pecked him on the nose. “The rage room will still be there when we’re done.”

Perhaps, but his dick was probably going to explode.

“I want to sweep for orcs,” Kylo said, playing with his figurine.

Rey growled through her teeth. “Force-fucking-damnit Kylo, no more with this orc shit!”

Kylo thrust his fist onto the table. “What have I told you? The first thing, the _first_ thing you do in any campaign—”

“No, that’s the first thing _you_ do. _Sane_ people JUST PLAY THE GAME!”

Kylo pointed his finger at her when Ben groaned. “Ky, there are no orcs in the game this time.”

Well that just didn’t register. “What the hell does that mean?”

“I didn’t put any orcs in the game! Every game gets slowed down because you have to kill the damn orcs, so no, no more orcs.”

Kylo looked across the table, from a crossed-arms Rey, to a tired looking Ben, to Sooven’s reserved projection, and finally at Arbun’s sweet face. This was her first time gaming with them (but definitely not her first time gaming as she came with characters bearing high experience points.) How was he supposed to show what a good warrior he was if he didn’t have any orcs to kill? He gave a smile of disbelief. “No seriously, we should head right to the orcs.”

“Kylo, I said it the last time we played, remember? I’m not putting any more orcs in the game.”

Well he didn’t believe him. “But you _have_ to put in orcs! Ben! I need orcs!” He grabbed the clay and metal implements next to him. “I have the orc molding kit! How am I supposed to smash orcs if there are no orcs?!”

“Kylo,” Rey said, her eyes flitting between him and Arbun, “enough about the _orcs_.” She winked in Arbun’s direction, but Kylo really didn’t understand what Rey was trying to convey.

Ben put his hand up. “Ky, I know you love smashing the orcs, but every game we spend the whole time with orcs and no time doing anything else—”

Sooven rolled his dice. “Zorbok the Deadly wishes to cast a spell of orc generation. And my success roll says I can do exactly that.”

“Oh no, no no no no no, no orc generation spells. No way.”

“I’m afraid it’s inevitable.”

“Nope, I’m not allowing that.”

“On the contrary, my intrepid Game Master, rule 12 of section 42 of the Caverns and Rancors official rulebook says that I can cast one enemy generation once every twelve games per campaign regardless of GM approval.”

Ben scoffed. “Which rulebook version?”

“In 142.53 it was enacted and has been in place since.”

Rey shoved her hand through her hair. “Kill me…”

Ben’s hands started flitting about as he spoke. “But in version 145.18 it was adjusted to GM’s explicit approval, which you don’t have.”

“Actually,” Arbun said, her finger up, “that adjustment to the rule was contested, and the writer himself said it was open to interpretation.”

“What?! When?”

“Caverns and Rancors magazine, issue number 6011, article three, there was an interview…”

Rey chucked a die at Kylo’s head. “You see what you started? Just what we need, _three_ rules lawyers now, all arguing over your stupid orc obsession.”

Kylo squished the clay into his mold to make a fifth orc for his collection. “I just don’t understand how you can sit there and let these creatures get away with their lies and cheating—”

“Ky, it’s been _months_ since we played that first time! Let it go!”

“I don’t like liars!”

“IT’S MAKE BELIEVE!”

Now Arbun, Ben, and Sooven had projections up from their comms. “You see?” Arbun said. “Right there. Dodek claims that the passage can be interpreted differently based on the dynamics of the campaign itself.”

Ben tossed his hands up. “Oh, so if I ever let one orc into my game, I have to let all orcs in?”

“Well, the official decisions team are the ones that ruled…”

Rey glared at Kylo. “I hope you’re happy. I really hope you’re happy.”

Kylo pulled his orc from the mold and set it beside the others. “Not yet I’m not.”

Ben sighed. “Alright. Fine. Orc generation spell is allowed. The fucking orcs are now in chamber twelve—”

Kylo sprung out of his seat. “KILL THE ORCS!” And with that, he slammed down his fist over and over onto this clay figurines. “DIE! DIE! DIE!”

“Kylo!” Rey spat and made a very purposeful glance toward Arbun.

He kind of understood that one. Oh crap, he was probably making Arbun uncomfortable on their first game night together. He slid back down into his seat and sheepishly squished the clay back into his hand before turning to her, wondering how he’d handle her horrified face.

Oh crap, she had her head buried in her arms. Did he make her cry?

Arbun arched back, laughing so hard tears were tickling at her lashes. Kylo didn’t know if that was a good, fun thing or if she was laughing at his stupid antics.

“Ky…” She caught her breath and turned to him, her hands out. “Come here.” He leaned forward, and she grasped his cheeks and rubbed noses with him. “You are just the cutest thing ever.”

He smiled and gave a soft chuckle. “I am? You’re not horrified?”

“Noooo.” She kissed him once, then twice. “You just get more adorable every time I see you.”

Kylo softened and kissed her some more, starting to forget about the game and the chunk of clay in his hands.

“ _Ahem!_ ” Rey said with no attempt to disguise it as a cough.

Ugh, didn’t she know how it felt to finally be with someone who loved you for everything that you were? And to be horny as fuck on top of it? He pressed his forehead against Arbun’s and sighed. “Hold that thought for after the game.”

Arbun giggled. “Then I get to hold something else.”

Their arduous chortles were interrupted by Sooven this time. “Are we not going to kill the orcs, Deathkill? This generation spell won’t last forever.”

Kylo broke from his nuzzling with Arbun and extended his hand, still full of clay. She placed her hand upon it, and the two grasped, squishing the substance into their clasp. Then, as one, they shouted, “KILL THE ORCS!”

Rey groaned, halfheartedly threw her dice into the projection chamber, and buried her head in her arms.

~*~

The game was a lot more fun than Kylo had in ages. Arbun really knew how to make it come alive, treating it with the seriousness Sooven showed but adding a fun and creative edge that made it more like a true adventure.

Arbun made everything better.

After cleanup and a snack, Kylo waved to open the giant doors of the rage room. Arbun stepped in, tilting her head in all directions to take it all in. She patted an old ship engine to a metallic thunk and ran her fingers along a molten scar his lightsaber had gouged into it.

Kylo signaled the doors to close and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “It’s…not really romantic.”

“Hey, for all you know I get off on junk metal.”

He smiled and drifted over to the bed in the corner. He had yet to try it out. It wasn’t as pretty as his bed, but as he pressed his hands into it, a comforting softness welcomed him.

Arbun pointed at it. “Is this part of the rage and sleep package? ‘Take your rage out on society then sleep it off for one low low price, only on Chandrila, reserve now!’”

Kylo chuckled as he sat, but even her joking nature didn’t salve his nerves. Why was he even nervous? It wasn’t like this was _his_ first time, only _their_ first time together. And yet, as Arbun sat next to him, he stiffened and started to tremble.

“Hey,” she said, grasping one of the hands he kept running up and down his pants, “you okay?”

He nodded and gave her a brief smile, but the trembling reached his lips. Arbun brought her fingers up to touch them, and he pecked little kisses onto the tips.

“You’re so nervous, sweet man.” She brushed the dangling locks off of his forehead.

“I-I don’t know why.” He sucked in a shuddering breath as his teeth chattered. “Maybe it’s a mix of things. Excitement included.” A quick huff of a chuckle left his lips.

Arbun climbed onto the bed behind him and wrapped her arms around his body. He loved when she did this, as it gave him space to express himself while also being a place to fall into comfort. “Tell me about them, no matter what it is.”

“Um, well, it’s weird doing it in here. This is normally where I lose my fucking mind.” They shared a brief expression of levity. “But no, it’s…not all that. It’s our first time, and with my powers all kinds of crazy, I don’t want to fuck it up. Nor do I want the Darkness to take me so far, too far—I don’t want you getting hurt. And honestly, the last time I actually got to make love, it turned into a disaster. I feel like I got everything wrong, even when I thought it was right. I missed cues I didn’t understand, and then I lost her and was devastated.”

Arbun nuzzled into his hair. “Well, how about we establish a safe word? If things get too uncomfortable, I’ll just say…porg. It’s silly, it will lighten the mood, and you’ll know right away that I need you to take it down a bit. Would that help you feel a little more comfortable?”

That seemed reasonable. “Yeah, maybe. I like that.”

She kissed up the side of his head. “What else, sweet man? You’re still so tense.”

Kylo shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s just weird. For all we’ve done together already, _this_ one thing feels so important, almost too important. And then I don’t know, sometimes it’s…maybe it’s anticipation. It’s like no matter how much you touch me all the time, I still hunger for it. It…lingers from when I was really touch-starved, how every little thing, every gesture, it was so much, sometimes too much, but it was so good I didn’t ever want it to stop either.” He smiled and hung his head. “I’m a mess.”

Arbun buried her face in the joint of his neck and shoulder and held him even tighter. “You’re not a mess. You just have scars I haven’t kissed yet.” And so she planted some on his bare skin. “Every time you find a new one, you tell me its story and I kiss it and fill it with love. And maybe one day they’ll all be filled in, and your past won’t hurt you anymore.”

He sunk into her comfort once more, his trembling softening. “You’ve filled in so much already.”

“Luckily, love never runs out, so I can keep on as long as I need to.”

Kylo smiled. “You do love me.”

“Of course I do, Ky-bear. You are lovable and worthy of all the love in the universe.”

Maybe he was starting to believe it. “I love you too. With everything. Everything I have.”

“Then we’ll let love carry us through. You don’t have to be afraid with me. I don’t run from a challenge, and I’m tougher than I look. We’ll use our safe word, and you just let yourself feel free, be yourself. Okay?”

He nodded. “Okay.” After a few moments more to bask in her healing comfort, he shifted and turned to kiss her. Soft and sweet, it bridged the weird nervousness he felt. What was going on? He was ready to thrust into her in the Silencer, outside the Silencer, on the mountaintop after the Skybike ride, after the bar fight. Now he was back to that nervous teen sitting on the roof of the Sith Temple being kissed for the first time.

Arbun took her kisses in deeper and straddled his lap. Heavy breaths already sucked in and out of his nose, his heart a rapid fire. Her hands roamed his back then over his chest, every single sensation amped to levels he hadn’t felt since Dayn first touched him. When Arbun’s hands slid down his stomach, toward his belt, he let out a cry and had to break from the kiss just to breathe.

“Ky-bear? Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he squeaked and cleared his throat. “Just overwhelmed. Everything’s so much.”

“Did you want to stop—”

Kylo whipped his head back and forth. “No, I want it so bad. Just…hasn’t felt so… _much_ in a long time. I’m okay. I’ll be okay.”

She smoothed her hands over his cheeks and into his hair. “You let me know if you need to pause or slow down, okay?” He nodded. “You okay to continue?”

“Yeah.” More sure this time.

“Can I take off your shirt? You’re so damn gorgeous, I just want to look at you.”

He nodded, and she pulled his shirt over his head. This wasn’t a new sensation or experience, but when her hands trailed up and over his muscles once again, he let out a cry and felt the urge to bury himself in her arms, to both hide from the overwhelming sensation and to never let it stop.

As if sensing him, Arbun pulled him into her arms, settling her chin over his head. In her softness he found the comfort he was seeking, nestled just in the nook of her cleavage.

“The fuck’s wrong with me?” He clung to her as if terrified and couldn’t understand why.

“Nothing, Ky. Nothing is wrong with you. You have a lot of trauma, but that doesn’t make you wrong.” She stroked his hair, and it was exactly what he needed to settle down. “Sometimes I feel like there’s two Kys in there, the fiery warrior able to face anything and the sweet boy who still feels so scared and alone. Who was ever there for that sweet boy?”

“No one,” he whispered.

“I don’t know. Maybe that warrior Ky was with him all the time, doing his best to protect that poor boy.”

Kylo nodded. “I like that.”

“I guess it’s one thing to play with dicks and boobs, but to really be intimate is to be vulnerable, to let your guard down and open yourself up. Maybe that’s why you’re feeling a little overwhelmed. That sweet boy is exposed and trying so hard to be safe on his own.”

He nestled deeper into her cleavage. “Fuck, it’s like you know me. Everything about me. But I don’t want to be like this. I want to be like we were in the Silencer or after the bar fight, when we were ready to just devour each other.”

“We’ll get there. We will. Just relax for now. Just…feel safe. Let that scared inner self of yours just rest and relax knowing I won’t hurt him like he’s been hurt so many times before.”

So he stayed in her arms, clinging to her, nestled and aching as shivers still ran through his half naked body. And in time, in her warmth, he finally eased, his muscles releasing that tension that held them hostage. Trust—it was so hard for him when so many had broken it. Building bridges of trust was the most frightening thing he had ever done. The pain that would occur if they were knocked down once more was too much for his already fragile heart to handle. He had direct experience in that agony.

It was hard enough to build it with Ben and Mom, with every little mis-perception stomping on it in an instant. Building it with Dayn ended in disaster, and Tai was no better.

He loved Arbun, and he knew she loved him. But to trust? That required so much more than just love. It was that quiet, vulnerable part of himself reaching out with shaking hands and begging, pleading for the other person not to let go. And it left him shaken, afraid, overwhelmed.

But Arbun had passed every test so far. He exposed his wounds, and she accepted. He showed his darkest desires, and she accepted. He showed his violence, his fury, his quirkiness, his not-so-great grasp of social concepts, his childish excitement and his terrible fears, as well as his horrendous past. And she accepted all of it.

She trusted him, and now it was time he truly trusted her with the most intimate parts of himself.

“I have an idea,” she said. “I was just thinking about how horny you get when we do exciting and dangerous stuff. Maybe sweet Ky just needs to know that everything is going to be okay, and the only one who’s ever been there to make it so has been badass Ky. So, maybe you should show me some badassery.”

He sat up and looked at her. “Like?”

“Well, this is your rage room, and I see some heavy slashes all over the place. Maybe you should let yourself go nuts, just…destroy shit. Work up some fire.”

The only person he had ever let see him at his full fury in the rage room had been Ben. To let himself be completely off guard, to show her the worst parts of himself, that required…

…trust.

He licked his lips. “I don’t want to scare you.”

“That’s what ‘porg’ is for. Come on. Show me full Kylo.”

He jolted. That was the first time she ever really used his full name. She wanted to see him, all of him, even at his darkest. She trusted him with her safety, even in the face of a weapon bred for war.

And now he had to reach out in return, trust her to accept it.

Kylo nodded once and stood. After a few steps away from the bed, he reached behind his back and grasped his lightsaber. With a stomp of his right foot, he ignited and slid into his starting position, red crackling fury lighting his bare skin and hers.

With a gleam in her eyes, Arbun said, “Show me everything that you are.”

Okay.

If that’s what she wanted.

It didn’t take much to draw up his deepest wells of rage. With a roar, he swung into the old engine, slashing it in a spray of molten metal. Over and over, with cries of fury, he slammed, slashed, and occasionally drew up his Force to fling heavy objects against the walls.

For a few moments, he had almost forgotten she was there. When he turned with a growl, hunched and ready to attack, his hair dangling in damp threads, he found her sitting there with her fists up to her chin. Fear shot through him. Fuck! He _had_ scared her! But what about the safe word? What about—

Wait. She was smiling, biting her lip. Her eyes weren’t wide with fear, but sharp and hungry.

So he asked the question. “You still want me?”

Arbun ran toward him, and he dropped and deactivated his lightsaber at the last second before she leapt into his arms, flattening him against the junk engine. Her kiss was ravenous, and as he held her against his body, he could finally feel it—the fire that blazed him into passion.

He felt safe. And because he felt safe, he could give her all of himself.

Kylo spun her and pressed her up against the engine, grinding against her as he raked his teeth across her cleavage with a growl. “Grrrr, I want to FUCK you into oblivion!”

“Fuck yes!” she cooed, gripping his hair. “Take me, Ky!”

He whipped her around again and carried her to the bed, where he tossed her but softened her landing with his power. While she knelt there, he worked his belt open.

“Bare yourself before me,” he commanded and wondered why the hell he said it that way. But as the Darkness rose in him once again at an accelerated rate, he already knew the answer.

And Arbun just spurred it on, biting her lip and yanking her shirt off. He had his pants halfway off when she paused at her bra. With a waggle of her eyebrows, she leapt off the bed. “You’ll NEVER catch me! I’ll never submit to you, Dark Lord!”

What the fuck? But as she ran from him with a giggle, he felt the hunter’s instinct blaze through him, his body priming to catch his prey.

Oh, is this what she wanted? Well then he was going to give it to her.

After shaking out of his pants, he charged after her, hungry and singing with the thrill of the chase. He darted between the giant engine parts, his body pure fire and physical prowess, muscles tight and springing as he bounded after his prey.

At the other end of the room, he saw her slow down, panting. “Fuckshit fuckshit fuckshit I hate running, why did I run?”

She better run, because he wasn’t sure what he would do to her if he caught her.

Kylo rounded on her, and with a squeal she tried to dart away. But that primal heat was pumping in his veins, and he would not be stopped. He grabbed her, hoisted her up, and took only a few giant steps to leap onto the bed with her.

Still grabbing her from behind, he growled, “You’re mine!” and sunk his teeth into her joint of her shoulder and neck. Not too hard, just enough to make her gasp and let out a soft cry.

He let go of her skin and licked at the light indents before snarling his way up to her ear. “You belong to me and only me.” He grasped her ever so gently but possessively about the neck.

“Uh huh,” she breathed.

“Say it,” he whispered, panting right outside the shell of her ear. “I want to hear you say it.”

“I belong to you and only you.” She swallowed, and he could feel her muscles in his grasp, her rapid heartbeat. “My Dark Fucking Lord.”

Ohhhh his fire roared into an inferno! Panting, he knelt on the bed and pulled her up, just to grip her hair and pull her head back, exposing her neck. Eye locked on hers, his probably already golden and glowing, he growled, “I am going to devour every bit of you, until every last inch of you is mine.”

“Yes,” she crooned. “Yes, my Dark Lord.”

Oh she just kept feeding him and feeding him. “Do you worship me? Do you worship everything that I am?”

“Yes!” She reached out, raking her fingertips along his chest. “I worship you. I want you. All of you.”

Kylo planted his mouth at her pulse point, his tongue slipping over her hot skin, tasting her vital energy flowing through her amidst the beating of her heart, the soft moans trickling from her throat. One hand on her neck, the other gripping her hair, he held her still while he got drunk off the flowing Darkness that was lapping at her vitality.

With every breath he could feel himself getting stronger, more powerful, a being that would have put Snoke to shame. Good riddance. Kylo was always the more worthy of the two, and now that he was tapping the sources of Darkness he never explored before, he might have even been a challenge for the Great Master himself.

Good riddance to that fucker, too.

Neither one of them knew the power that laced through him now, because it wasn’t just passion, this he realized. The true depths of Darkness ached in longing for what it didn’t have, for what made it whole.

He could only be this way, only be this powerful because she loved him, and he loved her.

The Darkness drank it like the finest wine and became ever greater. He understood it so much more now.

Kylo planted sweetly loving kisses up her neck, over her cheek, and engaged her mouth. The purest expression of love, and he, the Dark Shadow, needed it to be whole. Arbun pulled his body against hers in their kiss. Her nails raked across his back, and fuck did that feel so good, a marking burn as she claimed him, just as his bite had claimed her.

He worked open her bra and let it fall loose before cupping her breasts. There was so much softness and joy to be found there, an endless delight. He kissed back down and mouthed over her peak, so full and lush, his tongue tracing the silky smoothness over tantalizing ridges.

“Oh Ky,” she said, kissing his head and breathing into his hair. “Oh you’re so good.”

He chuckled in a deep baritone, loving to hear how good he was after a lifetime of being so bad.

Her other nipple called to him, so he blessed it with his love while roving his hand over the soft expanse of her stomach, to her hip, to her thigh, then sliding between parted legs waiting for him.

Up he reached until dampness and heat called right to his cock like a siren’s song. Her soft breathy moans guided him, picking up in pitch when he rubbed just the right spot. Kiss upon kiss, he made his way down to the pillowed mound waiting for him.

There, her scent sang for him, sinking him into carnal bliss as he couldn’t wait to taste what lay beneath the fabric.

“Let me help you take those off,” she said, stroking his hair.

Kylo looked up at her as if she was mad. “You’re so good to me.” He kissed her mound once, then twice, and looked back up at her. “You just relax and let me devour my feast.”

Her face contorted to ask a question when he flicked his two fingers. With a yelp, she rose into the air, leaving him with easy access to unwrap his gift. While he peeled down the fabric of her pants and underwear, he sent a wave of energy up her body to excite every sensitive spot he knew she owned. She let out a soft cry of delight, and he cast the last of her clothes away.

He tilted her and lifted until her honeyed center met his lips, then grabbed her hips and plunged right in, lapping his way along in seeking her most coveted spot.

“Oh fuck, Kyyyy!” She gripped his hair as he found her bud and bathed it in the most heavenly suckles and flicks. Beautiful sounds poured from her lips in rapture for his gift. Pride and possessiveness flowed through him. _He_ was making her feel this. He, the flawed creature from a jar, was making a woman squeal and cry out his name.

And she belonged to him, for they had marked one another, declaring it so.

Oh, he ached to just put her down and fuck her into madness, but only when she was ready for him, ready to take all of him in.

Shit, he _hoped_ she could take him, and was reminded of Dayn. Only one way to find out.

Kylo sunk his fingers in deep, one and then two. Fuck, she felt so good, so hot and wet, slippery and waiting for him already. He growled against her mound in aching anticipation, wanting so badly to just bury himself in her already.

“Oh my stars, Ky!” she intoned between audible breaths.

He left his treat, heaving with the breaths of a beast that wanted his prey. “I am going to make you come so fucking hard you will worship me until the ends of time.”

“AHHHH!” He felt her spasming over his fingers already.

Holy shit.

“I’m sorry,” she said, in between her breaths. “It’s just…when you said that…you’re just so fucking sexy I can’t take it!”

He really hoped that was a compliment. Sure felt like one, making him smile. He lowered her down lay next to her, elbow propping up his head.

Arbun leaned up to kiss him, and he wondered how it felt to taste herself on his lips. “We can still have sex. I’m good to keep going, even if I finished already.”

Kylo lifted an eyebrow. “Finished?” He drew a finger down her cheek. “We’re just getting started.”

“I know, I just came already, a little too fast, and—”

He put a finger to her lips. “I’ll make you come again.” He kissed her. “And again.” Another kiss. “And again if I have to.”

“Oh fuck, Ky,” she whispered.

“I’m not done with you.” He lifted his hand, and she gasped as he caressed her sensitive spots once again through the Force. “I hunted you and caught you and now you belong to me. And I will make you come as many times as it takes to satisfy my hunger.”

“Oh my stars.” She giggled. “Boy am I glad I let you go all apeshit with the lightsaber before!” She nibbled at his neck. “I like this side of you.”

“Am I your Dark Lord?”

She nibbled at his chest and flicked her tongue against his nipple. “You are the darkest fucking lord.”

That shadow inside fueled him with power once more, and his voice deepened, shifted cadence. “Worship me then.”

Her hands caressed his chest. “I do worship you. You’re so beautiful. So hot and sexy.” She grabbed his aching manhood. “So fucking big and hard.”

“Yes.” His breathing picked up. “How big and hard am I?”

She reached inside his underpants. “The absolute biggest and hardest.” She shoved at the fabric, and he yanked them off with a flick of his finger. “You are a fucking god.”

The sudden influx of Darkness was instant and overwhelming, and felt so _good_ he just wanted to ride it until the end of time. With a growl, he raked his teeth up her neck, biting, panting, and licking like he could never get enough of her while her hand got him started. He shoved a kiss deep into her throat and gripped her hip, wanting to thrust into her more than ever.

He rolled his hips toward her, aching, seeking, but she slipped out of his kiss. Funneling breaths through clenched teeth, he wondered why she was pulling away from him when all he wanted was to be inside of her. Then her free hand smoothed over his hair, sweet strokes against his scalp, taming him, soothing the beast.

“Let me worship you,” she whispered and kissed her way down…down…

Her tongue flicked at the tip of his needy appendage followed by slippery heat that possessed his body and soul. With a groan of heavenly delight, he flopped onto his back and let her have her way with him, worship him as she chose.

“Fuck you’re so good!” he crooned, and with all the Dark energy building up in him, it wasn’t long before he felt it, the static tickling along his fingertips. “Fuck, it’s happening again.”

Arbun looked up as he whipped his arms away from her, wondering if or when it would explode out of him. But he didn’t want to orgasm like this (well, he _did,_ but he wanted to merge with her before the night was over.) Still, the way it felt, it might just shoot out of him long before that finale.

“You work that,” she said, and gave him a few more licks, “I’ll work you.”

He closed his fists and groaned to the point of a whine. He didn’t want to fiddle with powers when he was enraptured by one of the most ultimate pleasures he’d ever felt.

But this was the point of doing it in the rage room. Practice. Control.

Kylo felt along the lines of energy flowing through him, sensing exactly what this particular expression looked and felt like. He watched his fingers as the red sparks danced higher and higher. It was so strange. Snoke and Palpatine always had the typical bluish lightning. Why was his red?

He traced the flow of energy to its source (at least all this focusing kept him from exploding into her mouth in two seconds.) In the deepest wells of his power, where Darkness flowed like a cauldron full of circling eels, he felt all the lines of emotion attached to his red lightning. It was a little different from the other lines of power snaking through him, and in that moment he realized everything had its own emotional signature. He’d just been doing it so long, he didn’t notice anymore.

Perfect. If he knew what was in it, he could manipulate it to his will.

After writhing to her ultimate pleasure once more, he slowly increased the power flowing to his fingers. The sparks grew into dancing forms sparkling a few inches off his fingers. But when Arbun cupped his balls and suckled deep, the flow went too fast and he thrust his hands out. A brilliant flash of red and a thunderous boom erupted as his lightning blasted into the V-8-R walls.

Arbun jumped and slipped off of him, surveying the resulting brown streaks and tendrils of smoke. “Popped out fast, huh?”

“Well you made me feel so damn good, I couldn’t help it!”

She winked. “Guess you’re going to have to try again.” And down she went on him.

Kylo thrust his head back. This felt too good. All the more reason to concentrate.

After another few practice runs of drawing up the energy, he pulled the sparks back in, aimed his hands, and let go. More flashing red, but less of a boom this time, because he didn’t let it all out at once. Finally, he was controlling it.

And he was getting to the point where Arbun needed to stop.

Allowing his energy to flow at his will once more, he lifted her on the Force and floated her back up toward him.

He sat up, whipped his hair back, and grinned at her as he lay her back down. “Time for the beast to feast once more.”

Arbun ran a hand over his muscular leg. “You can devour me all you want.”

Kylo snarled and nibbled his way down her body, finding her sensitive core once more and working her back to meet him at the same level. He needed the break, because once he got inside her, he wanted to be there for as long as possible. For as much pleasure as their mouths had been giving one another, it was that intimacy he was seeking, a merging and becoming one, to stare into her eyes and love her while embraced in the ultimate of ecstasy.

To truly make love.

And when he couldn’t take it anymore, when the intoxication with her scent, her heat, her vitality was too much for his body and the hungry Darkness to contain, he finally crept up to her. Slowly, pacing each step like a hungry Loth cat hunting its prey, his eyes locked on hers to possess her and hold her only to him. A deep, rumbling growl erupted from his depths, and she looked up at him with an equal mixture of anticipation and trepidation.

For now he had become feral, less a man and more a beast. That is where the pure Darkness took him. The Sith liked to manipulate and control that primal power with their rituals and codes, but without all that human-inflicted constraints, the purest expression of Darkness was that razor’s edge between life and death, the most basic of instincts unbidden by societal rules.

And now Arbun had seen him. The beast. Too late to run now, because she was his to consume.

Kylo darted in and snapped his teeth onto her neck again, never to hurt, just to balance on that razor’s edge between pain and pleasure. She gasped at the sudden strike then just as quickly moaned in utter delight as he clamped his lips over her skin, suckling and tasting while her wanting body arched against him.

He dipped his hips down, his limb of pure desire hunting now, seeking the heat, stalking through the curls, thirsty for that silken flood to lead him home. Arbun arched again, and he finally nudged right into place.

This was it. This was the doorway that would lead the beast into his sanctuary.

With a roll of his hips, he breached the gate, a hefty breath erupting from his chest.

“Ohhh fuck, Ky. You’re so big.”

“Is it too much?” he whispered against her ear and nibbled at her lobe.

“No, it’s perfect. I want it. I want it so bad.”

Then he was going to give it to her.

He rolled again, sinking deeper, and again, and oh holy fuck she took him in, all of him, a welcome for all that he was. Buried deep inside her, he slipped out and thrust again, each plunge eliciting a soft cry from her luscious lips. He was in ecstatic fucking heaven, and he was pleasing her, too. His male pride, something he honestly didn’t have much of, blossomed and preened at the intoxicating response he was getting from her.

And he had to speed it up, really thrust into her, feel the force of his muscles and power bang into her, dominate her desire. And just when he thought it would be too much, she cried out and begged for more.

“Faster!” “Harder!”

She wanted things he was afraid at first to give her, but he did it at her command and sweet fucking hell this was incredible. To be embraced by her body, her heart, her soul, taking in his everything, everything he ever feared or hated about himself, she took and begged for more, just to have him.

She accepted and took everything just so she could have him.

And that made him drop all the walls he’d held up.

_Let go. Let her love you. Let yourself love her. Trust. Trust in her as she trusts in you. Be everything with her, to her, and within her._

He couldn’t think or do anything but stare in her eyes while he merged as one with her in perfect union. But her eyes drifted all around while the throbbing pulse point in her neck held him spellbound.

“Ky,” she whispered, “this is amazing.”

He finally looked away from her to find the bed way below them. They were floating, and unlike Dayn, Arbun wasn’t frozen in fear. She was smiling, delighted.

With a mere thought and shift, he upright the both of them while still pounding into her with ease. Weightless, unencumbered, he could give her everything while basking in pure elation.

“I didn’t know you could do this, Ky.”

“It’s only happened once. I’ve never floated on my own.” He leaned in, still so focused on just her, not the fact that he had achieved a use of Force that usually required a shitload of concentration.

“So Force sex makes you float?”

He felt along his lines of Force energy once again. “It’s…a combination. It’s passion and it’s joy. It’s the desire to fuck you into the next galaxy and the complete and utter love I feel for you. It’s life and death as one. Somewhere, in between, where they all meet, that’s where this comes from.” He smiled. “I feel it now. I understand it. I…I bet I could even use it now that I know how to achieve it.”

“Or, you know, we could just keep fucking.”

He nodded. “I like that one even better!” Kylo wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, holding her close against him, burying his kiss deep into her. He wanted to be with all of her, as close as they could be, never being two lonely creatures again now that they found their perfect embrace.

Reaching down with his power, he strummed her bud once again and felt her arms tighten around him, her high-pitched cries vibrating into their devouring kiss. How was this so perfect? And how could anything be this perfect ever again?

Kylo broke from the kiss just to breathe, because it felt so good he thought he’d break apart if he didn’t try to wrest some sort of control over himself. It felt so good. It felt so fucking good that—

“Oh Ky, you’re tingly.”

He immediately flung his hands off of her, finding those red sparks yet again. “Sorry!”

Arbun grinned. “It’s okay if you want to play with it. It’s part of the fun.”

Kylo gave a soft laugh and smiled. She got him. She really got him. And so, while buried deep inside her and flooding with ecstasy and power, he expanded the sparks. Not to strike the walls this time, but just to make it rise and retract. And all the while he felt along the flow of power, to learn, to replicate outside of this interaction.

The sparks grew, spreading beyond his fingers, beyond his hands. He felt his hairs stand on end and saw Arbun’s do the same. Testing, he pushed it out a little more, and the sparks spread, almost as if forming a bubble around them.

It was incredible. He’d never been this powerful before, this controlled. And it was all because of her, because of her love and trust that allowed him to be fully himself and explore what he could do.

And he loved her. Loved her so fucking much—

“Ky, I’m coming again.”

“Come, baby. I want to see you. I want to feel you.”

Her breasts heaved with her heavy breaths, eyes closed, and broke into the most beautiful cry on the verge of sobbing.

She squeezed around him, over and over in her beautiful climax and that just pushed him right over the edge he’d been screaming for since they kissed on the Silencer.

The pleasure rose into something expansive and holy, as if he had merged with the universe. He moaned as it began its crest and couldn’t pay attention to the fact that the red sparking semi-bubble surrounding them intensified into a bright, nearly blinding red. As the full explosion of the most furious and muscle tensing orgasm he’d ever encountered in his life rocked his entire being, the red sparks flashed and blasted out toward the walls.

But the resulting crack of thunder wasn’t what jolted them. It was the subsequent flash of fire that raced up the walls and just as quickly disappeared.

Both were staring in awe as their sweaty, entwined bodies slowly floated back down, finally landing in softness. Kylo let out a breath of utter relief and just embraced her, nestling himself on her body for just a moment. Just to catch his breath, his energy.

“Did you see that?” she asked.

Kylo swallowed with a dry mouth from all the panting. “Probably because of the lightning. Must have…I don’t know…caught something on fire.”

“Can Force guys make fire? Is that a thing?”

“Uhhhhh…” He tried to dig into his Sith knowledge but was so damn tired. “…yeah, but it’s not common. It’s actually easier to make lightning than fire. That’s like…you have to really train in that for years to make that happen.”

Arbun shook her head. “So cool.”

Kylo kissed her one more time, soft, loving, then fell beside her, completely spent. “That was…” He couldn’t even find the words.

“Miraculous.”

A smile crept on his exhausted lips. “Yes. That’s perfect. I love you so much, Arbun. You’ve…you’ve awakened me, all the best parts of me.”

She nestled into his side and traced the scant hairs on his chest. “I love you too, Ky-bear. You’re…like a dream come true.”

“I didn’t scare you or hurt you or anything, did I?”

“Not at all. It was so much fun. And besides, I liked getting those tremors from Beast-Ky. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. That’s what made me relax and enjoy the fun of it.”

“I didn’t bite you too hard, did I?”

“Nah. I didn’t claw you too hard, did _I?_ ”

“No, that felt good. Hell, I would have told you to draw blood, but I’m not supposed to get injured on account of my condition. Ben gets all kinds of worried.”

She kissed his pectoral muscle. “I can understand that. We all love you and want to keep you around for as long as we can.”

Kylo smiled and let that bliss, of being loved so much, carry him into a much needed rest.

~*~

Kylo gasped awake and didn’t see his familiar walls, ceiling, or windows. He cried out in a panic and immediately felt something heavy and warm in his arms.

“Ky?” Arbun’s sleep-dusted eyes looked up at him ever so sweetly. “What’s wrong?”

He settled back down, nuzzling into her hair. At the realization he had slept with a real woman in his arms, he fully relaxed and allowed himself to sink into that heaven. “I just didn’t recognize where I was. Thought I was in a nightmare.” He inhaled, drawing in her delicate essence. “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep out here without Melanie.”

Arbun traced her finger down his cheek. “Kind of hard _not_ to fall asleep after all that fun.”

He laughed softly. “It was fun, wasn’t it?”

“The best.”

He breathed into her hair and kissed her head. “I hope I didn’t scare you, go to far, get too…demanding.”

“I was fine, Ky. If it bothered me, I would have used the word. It’s all just play.”

“Mmmm. I don’t know, something comes over me when the Darkness really comes on strong. This…sense of power. It scares me sometimes, but it feels so good. I don’t know if it’s because I was forced to be a warlord, tempted with ruling star systems, or if it’s the Darkness itself.”

“Why does it scare you?”

“I just don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I love the life I live now, love my family, love you. I just want to love. That’s all I’ve ever wanted my entire life, and it was denied me for twenty years.” A lump formed in his throat. “I hated what they made me become. I hate who I was back then. I don’t ever want to go back. And that’s why it scares me, because I’m afraid it will make me into that person I never want to be again.”

Arbun kissed his bare chest. “That’s why you have us, everyone who loves you, to remind you where you belong.”

Kylo let out a long breath of relief into her hair. “I’m so glad I have you.”

“I’m so glad I have you too, Ky-bear. Um, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What exactly does Melanie… _do?_ ”

“She watches me and alerts Ben if I have a nightmare.”

“Is that… _all_ she does?”

“Ummm…she also helps Ben in his lab.”

“She doesn’t exactly look like the other Knights of Ben.”

“Well no because she’s a ssssuhhhh…” Kylo clamped his mouth shut.

“She’s a sexbot, isn’t she?”

Kylo stammered. “An emotional support sexbot!”

Arbun wheezed into a laugh, right into the nook of his chest. “A _what?_ ”

“Like I said, she watches my vitals and alerts Ben if I need help. That’s why I can’t just fall asleep out here. I need her by me.”

Arbun planted a warm little peck on his skin. “You have me.”

Kylo held her closer. “I do. But I still need her. Sometimes I get caught in nightmares and I can’t get back out, like I don’t even know where I am. I could wander the house flipping out thinking I’m in Exegol. I’ve done it before, and my family got scared. I did too. I really could have hurt someone.” He shrugged. “Melanie’s alerted Ben a few times since then so he and Rey can get me out, hold me still.” He kissed her head. “It’s for everyone’s safety.”

“Sexbots for safety, got it.”

Kylo chuckled and closed his eyes. Damn, he was so tired, but he really couldn’t sleep out here.

“Night’s still young. You want to go over your lines for the audition?”

“I know I should, but…” He sighed. “I’m so tired. Think I just want to get inside and lay down.”

“Took a lot out of ya, huh?”

“Yeah.” He kissed her head with a smile. “But worth every moment.”

Arbun kissed his chest one more time, then his chin, finally his lips before she squirmed out of his grasp. “Better get dressed then. Don’t need to run naked through the yard.”

He chuckled. “No, probably shouldn’t.” Fuck, he was tired. He watched as she picked up his hand and kissed it.

Only he didn’t feel any of that happen. And when she dropped his hand, he couldn’t pick it up again.

Shit.

“Arbun, call Ben and Rey right now. It’s an emergency.”

She frowned. “Ky? What’s wrong?”

“My condition. I can’t move my arms. I used too much…” A wave of dizziness washed over him, and he tried to remain still and quiet. He heard little of what happened next, nor could he see very well. All he could do was let whatever happened happen and try to remain calm, not use up any more energy.

All that playing with the Force and physical exertion had a price he should have seen coming.

He didn’t want to die, not after gaining the best girl he could ever imagine, but if it had to happen, at least he had the most mindblowing sex beforehand.

In time, before the horrendous pain started, his energy picked back up. The blurriness cleared, and he saw Rey and Ben on either side of him, holding his hands. Arbun was smoothing back his hair, breathing as if she was trying her hardest not to cry.

“You okay now, buddy?” Ben asked.

Kylo nodded. “Much better. Thank you.”

“Went a little overboard, huh?”

Kylo grinned. “Worth it.”

Arbun grasped his face. “But not worth losing you. Fuck Ky, I was so scared.”

With an upturn of his eyebrows, he put on a little smile. “I’m sorry.”

She kissed his head, his cheeks, his nose, every open spot. “Don’t be sorry. Just be here. With me. Always. Don’t ever let go.”

Kylo drew his hand up, thankful to be able to do so again, and touched her cheek. “ _We’ll_ never let go.”

~*~

Three days later, Kylo heaved out a breath before stepping into the school.

Arbun squeezed his hand. “You got this. I know you do.”

He nodded, but wasn’t so sure. “Wish I was trying out for the Ass-kicking Awards instead. I’d feel a lot more confident.”

She stood up on her toes and kissed his cheek. “I’ve seen you practice. You can do this, and I’ll be right in the audience with you. Suck all the strength out of me if you need to.”

He smiled and gave her a soft kiss. “Just knowing you’re there is enough.”

Arbun took his hand and swung it. “Well come on, Galaxy Films’ Leading Man. Show them what you got.”

Kylo walked onto the stage and assessed what was there. The script, honestly, was bland, and he didn’t get how the reactions he was supposed to exhibit made sense. There was the door that would close in his face. There was the table where he would sit after the altercation in the play and the soft prop bottle he would pretend to drink from. But seriously, it made no sense.

After being dumped by a girlfriend, who would react in such a mediocre way? Where was the pain? The agony? The piece of your soul ripped out of your body?

So, with a breath, he knew he had to be honest and true to the character. Truth got him in trouble a lot, but sometimes it was the only thing that made sense.

“Go ahead!” the teacher/theater director called as Kylo stood at the fake door.

He flinched from pretending it was slammed in his face. And he had to put himself in those places he hated to go, but he had to display his truth. It was Dayn who left him. Or it was Rey. Or even worse, it could be Arbun.

Oh hell no. He wasn’t going there. No audition was worth thinking about that.

Whoever it was, only one thing was certain—the balm in his soul was gone and never coming back.

Kylo stepped toward the table, then staggered, his mouth quivering. He grasped the bottle, just like the script said, but the script was a lie. Sitting and drinking could never follow such a wound, such a betrayal.

With a roar from the depth of his soul, he flung the soft prop bottle against the wall, throwing his whole body into the maneuver. And even that wasn’t enough. So he flung the table and flung the chair. Yet again not enough. He took his roar of agony and just threw himself against the wall where he slid down, sobbing into a heap on the floor. His hand drew up just once, reaching for strength, but he knew he’d find none, because in this play, there was no Ben or Mom to carry him through the pain, so he just sunk into his misery, sobbing.

Silence.

The teacher stood up. “Ky, are you okay?”

Kylo picked himself up off the floor and wiped his face. “Was that good?”

From the audience, the other students just stared at him with their mouths draped open, the teacher matching them. Crap, they didn’t look as if they liked it. Maybe he didn’t act miserable enough. He should have channeled more of the pain he felt from his past.

At least Arbun was bouncing in her seat in the back with her thumbs up.

Finally, the teacher found her words. “That was…a lot more intense than I was expecting for this scene.”

Damnit. Of course he fucked it up. “Sorry.”

The teacher stepped forward. “No no no no, no, don’t be sorry. It…it was incredible.” To that he brightened. “Of course, the character is more stoic in the rest of the play, so you would have to play to the character itself, understand his emotions, reactions, and motivations. But on its own, this display was…magnificent.”

Oh did Kylo’s heart burst into fire, brightness warming his face into a wide-eyed smile.

She called him magnificent!

“You bring some very intense feelings with you. Please, show us what else you prepared. I want to see your range.”

Kylo nodded, enthusiastic. “Okay!”

There were four more scenes he had prepared for. One was at the end of the character’s father’s funeral, and he had to rein in his bodily response but show deep emotion. So he took himself deep into imagining what that might feel like one day. He resisted crying for a while as he spoke, but tears rose upon his eyes regardless through his monologue. Then at the end, he just stood still with his hand on the pretend casket and broke into tears that trickled down his cheeks, neck, and into his shirt. Apparently his ability to cry like that on demand was an asset.

Crying was an asset. It was incredible how flipped in utter reverse his life has become since Exegol.

The next was jubilation, and he channeled his birthday party and all the presents into that one, bringing forth the absolute joy he felt. Another required a lot of comedic, physical movement. Well, he wasn’t much into comedy, his life didn’t offer a lot of laughter, but he did know how to move his body.

And the final was a love scene he enacted with another student, his body nudged against hers, giant hand lazing beside her throat while his long fingers danced across her cheek and into her hair, his mouth just a whisper from hers as he poured the deepest of his love and passion into his words. When he finished, his partner was left with the pinkest cheeks he’d ever seen.

Normally students would find out if they got into the program within a week. When he received a notification on his comm the next day from the director, his heart sunk. There was no way this was good news.

[Kylo Organa Solo, based on your performance and attitude at your audition—]

His stomach turned. The mere mention of his attitude was a dead giveaway for failure.

[—you absolutely, and without reservation, have been accepted into Chand-Art University’s theater program.]

Kylo leapt off his bed and screamed with his fists clenched. And the first person he would tell, he called on his comm.

“I’M IN!” he cried with Arbun on visuals.

“YES!” She laughed and jumped up and down for him. “You did it! I knew you would. I’m so happy for you!”

“I just can’t believe it. When they contacted me right away, I thought I was doomed. But they were just that excited. Arbun, I…have a path now. A path into the future.” He smiled and shook his head. “When I first came to Chandrila, I didn’t know what to do with myself, or what I would do with my life. Now I finally have something, and it means something to me. The whole warlord thing, that was just forced on me whether I wanted it or not, but this! This is my choice, what _I_ want! And it’s like…I can’t describe it, to actually be working toward what I want in life. My own future. Fuck, Arbun, I’m making my own future!”

“Awww Ky, I’m so proud of you! And to see you so happy. I mean you do, you really look happy. There’s such joy and light in your eyes. I’m so happy for you. And your family must be ecstatic!”

Kylo scratched behind his head. “I…uh…haven’t told them yet.”

She gasped with such brightness. “You told _me_ first! Ky! I’m so honored, sweet man! I thought for sure Ben would have been the first one you told.”

Kylo licked his lips.

“Ky, what’s wrong?”

“I’m…kind of scared to.”

“Of Ben? Why would anyone be scared of Ben? He’s a giant stuffed Ewok and wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“That’s because he’s afraid of them, at least that’s what he told me.”

“See? So why are you scared to tell Ben of all people?”

“Well, I um…” He pressed his palm against the spike of pain in his head. “…I have to drop some classes to fit in the program, and it’s probably going to be the science classes. I…don’t have the heart to tell him. He’s going to be so disappointed in me. I can’t…I don’t want to see that in his eyes. It would hurt too much.”

“Ky, Ben loves you so much and only wants your happiness. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Kylo sat and massaged his forehead. “We’re clones. I’m supposed to be like him. If I drop the classes he’s the best in…”

“Ky, you’re supposed to be like you. Only you. This is _your_ life and _your_ future. And Ben knows that. He loves you so much and he’s so sweet. I know you think you’re going to disappoint him, but I personally think he’s just going to be so happy for you. Trust him. And if it goes awry, I’ll be right over to hold you through it.”

He nodded. “Okay…I’ll try.”

~*~

Kylo paced around Ben’s office, occasionally pressing his hand against the pain in his head. Ben watched him with a questioning frown, patient as always.

“Really Ky, you can tell me. What’s going on?”

Kylo stopped, growled up at the sky and flapped his hands while bouncing on his heels. How was he going to say this? How could he even start?

“Buddy, whatever’s going on, you can tell me, you know that. I’m here for you. Always.”

Kylo was back to pacing. “You won’t like it. And maybe you won’t like me, I don’t know.”

Ben stood and walked from behind his desk to grasp Kylo’s arms. “Buddy, I’ll always like and love you. What’s going on?”

Kylo breathed out until he was deflated. “I…I got into the theater program.”

Ben threw his hands up in excitement. “YES! That’s amazing! Congratulations, buddy! I’m so happy for you! Why were you so afraid to tell me that? I’ve been rooting for you ever since you mentioned you wanted to try out. Why did you think I wouldn’t like—”

“I want to drop the science classes.” He paused. “I have to. I have no room, so I have to.” He hung his head. “I _do_ like science. But I think I like it best when it’s with you. When it’s at school, it’s…confusing and hard. But when it’s with you, when you show me stuff like the fluorescent minerals or we do chemistry experiments together or program droids, that’s when it’s fun, and exciting, and I learn so much more. I…want to do that. Just with you.”

“Ky, of course. I’d love to keep doing that with you. Any time you want.”

Kylo sat at the edge of Ben’s desk and looked up at the ceiling in thought. “The thing is, Ben, I…I like theater. I like being up on stage, and I like expressing myself and being other people and expressing myself through them. And I like reading stories and poetry, and I like art. Ben, I…wanted to be like you so bad. But I’m not. I’m not like you, all technical and analytical and…ultra smart. I wanted to be, and I thought I could be, but…this is who I am, Ben, and I’m only finally starting to realize it.”

He felt like hell saying all that and didn’t want to look his brother in the eyes.

That was until Ben’s gentle hand grasped his shoulder. “Is that why you were afraid to tell me? You thought I’d be upset?”

“Aren’t you?”

Ben sighed and smiled. “Kylo, I always said from day one, this is _your_ life, and you’ve got to make it the way you see fit. I set you up with all that because that’s what _I_ knew, and we really didn’t know what you liked or wanted yet. But if that’s not your path, then that’s not your path, and that’s okay.” He clasped Kylo behind his neck. “Kylo, it’s okay. And you don’t have to be like me in order for me to like you.”

That one statement put such an ease into his stressed and burdened heart. “Really?”

“Really. Ky, you are your own man. All I ever wanted was for you to grow and be happy. If this is that path, then you take it. I _want_ you to take it.”

Relief, such damn relief. Kylo smiled, followed by a short laugh.

“But you are wrong about something.”

Uh oh.

“You said you’re not ultra-smart like me. That’s not true. Just because we don’t share the same intellectual areas doesn’t mean you aren’t intelligent. I’ve seen what you paint, and what you write, and how you analyze literature, how you have this incredible understanding and fascination, how your eyes light up when you ponder poetry, how you come alive when you do your acting. Being smart isn’t about test scores and math and science. You have intellect in areas I’ll never reach. Look at all those combat skills and strategy, your knowledge of ships and how to handle them. And you’re such a good cook too, just like Mom!”

Ben gripped his shoulder. “Kylo, you are brilliant. You just shine in a different color than I do, and that’s okay.”

Kylo smiled. “You’re blue and I’m red.”

Ben chuckled. “Yeah, exactly. And Rey’s that golden color with all her space-smarts, how to deal with things, how to get out of a jam, knowing just what to do when everything starts going to hell. There’s so many different kinds of intelligence, each in their own color. You just have to make yours as bright as it can be.” He patted Kylo’s shoulder. “You do what you got to do, and I’ll support you all the way, okay bro?”

Kylo smiled and nodded. “Okay.” And then he hugged his big brother, feeling his own bright red glow permeate his soul, joined by Ben’s soothing and brilliant blue.

The next day, Kylo dropped his science classes but kept one of the math classes. Even if it did piss him off, he was still pretty good at it, and in some ways it was like a puzzle that was frustrating to solve but filled him with excitement and accomplishment when he got it right.

Plus, Ben would always be glad to help him if it got too confusing.

And on the first day of his new theater courses, Kylo stood in the classroom's doorway and heaved in a deep breath with a smile.

This was his new path, and these are the people he would walk it with.

Kylo Organa Solo, aka Ky Solo, would officially become an actor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feral/hunter/predator/sexy/bedroom Ky is a whole other creature *swoon* I like to think that the more he becomes comfortable with himself through Arbun's acceptance and love for him, the more he integrates all these different parts of himself into one whole being. I hadn't initially intended to show a fragile-state Ky in the sex scene, but the story had other ideas and I though it worked out better as it shows him facing these different aspects he's developed over time.
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> Imagine Ky dancing and singing in a musical! Even I might have trouble picturing that one, but maybe he'll surprise us all.
> 
> Since I had to cut this chapter short yet again (short?) next week we're going to explore some more new experiences, and then finally, in a moment from Galaxy, the cure module will become available for the first time. Stay tuned!
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	19. Get Into the Groove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo needs to work on his dance moves for an upcoming musical. His growing power comes under scrutiny.
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More steamships riding through in this chapter!
> 
> Mild CW for body discomfort in the beach scene.
> 
> PS Carrie Fisher's "Stay afraid but do it anyway" quote will make another appearance!

Kylo tilted the pan over the heating element to toss the frying ingredients. “Mom, how’s this?”

Leia leaned in. “Looks beautiful, my sweet brownie. Go ahead and add the eggs in there now.”

He poured the scrambled mixture and broke it up with the spatula. As he worked, he flashed his eyes over to Arbun sitting at the breakfast bar. Still hazy with sleep, she smiled over with that heavenly charm of hers.

He was going to make the best breakfast ever for her. With Mom’s help, of course.

“Just like this?” he asked when the mixture was soft yet crumbly.

“Perfect! Take it off the heat and add the cheese, and you can finish off these pancakes.”

Kylo loved helping Mom cook, and as he got better, she was grateful for the assistance. She could have asked a droid, of course, but Ben would screech and demand otherwise.

If Kylo’s cooking passed Ben’s distinctive palate, it had to have been good!

He served up the scramble and pancakes onto the waiting plates and garnished with chive flowers from Leia’s garden.

Arbun clapped her hands. “Ohh looks so good! And so pretty too!”

“Just like you.” Kylo winked, and she giggled.

“Ugh,” Han said, shuffling into the kitchen, “I’m liable to slip and fall on all the gooey mush the two of you keep spewing.”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “Dad, there’s nothing on the floor.” Was he losing it? Probably too much of that Corellian whiskey.

Arbun laughed and booped her finger on his nose. “Stars, I just love you!”

As usual, Kylo was left confused, but grabbed his own plate and sat next to Arbun. “I hope you like it.”

She took a bite and moaned. “Oh, it’s phenomenal! It’s like the best breakfast thing I’ve ever tasted.”

Kylo smiled and blushed. Waking up with her in the morning was a treat beyond his dreams. He really hoped Melanie didn’t mind being relegated to the couch in his room, but to sleep with and wake up next to a real woman was the definition of heaven.

And that she liked his cooking was even better. Hands that once only served death and destruction now sustained life.

Han took a bite of the scramble and tipped his head back. “Ahhh Leia, you really outdid yourself this time. Honestly, every time you make this, I cringe, but this time you got it perfect, and without those damn mushrooms I hate.”

Leia stood glaring with her fists on her hips, and Kylo knew he was in trouble. “Mom! I’m so sorry! I forgot the mushrooms!” How could he forget such an important ingredient?! “Please don’t be mad at me.”

Leia patted his arm before returning that fist to her hip. “It’s okay, my brownie. I’m not mad at you at all. It was your first time cooking that all by yourself, which apparently your father likes more than the other times he’s had to cringe over it, isn’t that right, Han?”

It was weird how Dad kept shrinking into his plate.

Rey cackled and fell against Ben. “Oh, you’re in it now, Han!”

Ben chewed his food and snickered. “Hey Dad, you want one of my patented shovels to help you dig yourself out of that grave there?”

Han grunted. “Shut up, boy!”

Kylo was even more confused than before. “Did I really mess it up, Mom?”

She kissed his head. “No, of course not honey. It’s excellent. I’m sure everyone agrees.” And they did. Leia leaned closer to Han. “Especially your father.”

A sheepish, red Han shrugged, not even daring to look at her. “I like everything else you cook.”

Ben waved his hand. “Don’t go by him, Mom. He serves cardboard covered in gravy and calls it food.”

Han pointed at him. “You keep your trap shut. No one complained but you. Your brother loved it.”

“That’s after twenty years of eating flavorless slop—”

“I’ll give you flavorless slop—”

“You already did!”

Arbun laughed right into Kylo’s chest. “They really, _really_ don’t ever stop!”

Leia patted her hand. “Imagine it for thirty years. Now, you kids have fun at the beach today. I hear it’s going to be beautiful.”

Kylo quickly chewed his mouthful. “Are sure you can’t come with us?”

“Oh, you kids have fun. I have a few things I’d like to do today.”

“But who’s going to hold my towel for me when I come out of the water and put sun lotion on my face?”

Arbun hugged him around the ribs. “Awww, I’ll wrap you in a towel and put lotion on that cute nosie of yours.”

Whew. He smiled. “Okay.”

Leia shook her head and chuckled. “It’s a good thing you boys have such great women to help you in these little life trials.”

Ben stuck his finger up and opened his mouth, but Rey cut in. “Put it on at home before we go while looking in a mirror.”

“But—”

“At home. In the mirror.”

Kylo watched Ben sink, his mouth a crumpled squiggle. He leaned over to Arbun and lowered his voice. “I think I better put it on at home too with him. Show some solidarity.”

She was clearly trying not to laugh. “That’s a noble thing to do, Ky-bear.”

Awww, she called him noble! This morning was off to a great start!

~*~

Kylo inhaled as the salty shore wind blew through his long, jet black locks. He immediately pulled his shirt off and enjoyed the warmth of the morning sun seeping into his skin. The waves crashed onto the shore, and he couldn’t wait to take in one of his favorite pastimes.

This time with the woman he loved.

Arbun peeled off her beach coverup and was already wearing a long-sleeved, sun protective shirt and matching short pants. “Woo! Can’t wait to hit the waves!”

“I can put sun lotion on you if you want. It’s really good. I never get burned. Mom always buys the best for me because she says I’m entirely too pale, but not as bad as Ben.”

Behind him, Ben stretched his flipper socks onto his feet. “That’s why I have my gear, thank you very much.”

Kylo shrugged. “I don’t get the big deal. The lotion works just fine.”

“I don’t need a fish, a crab, or even seaweed to touch my skin. Besides, this is the best sun-protective outfit on the market, way superior to any lotion, and never needs to be reapplied.”

“Yep!” Arbun said, stretching the fabric on her sleeve. “Mine’s SOLO-Protect too!”

Ben pointed. “Smart girl! And thank you for your purchase. Anything else you ever need from SOLO-Corp, you just let me know. Free of charge.”

“Aw, you’re the best!”

Rey sauntered over and kissed his cheek. “That he is.”

Kylo smiled. This time he wouldn’t be the odd man out. He’d have a girl to kiss and enjoy at the beach for once. He turned back to Arbun. “But if you want to go shirtless like me, well, um, almost like me, I can put lotion on you.” He smirked. “I wouldn’t mind getting a free rub of your body.”

Arbun giggled. “Well, I can’t wait to reapply to you, either! But honestly, I’m…I’m okay.”

“You sure?” He smoothed his hands over her shoulders. “You don’t want these hands all over you? All slippery and warm…”

She hummed and kissed his hand. “Well I _do_ , but…” She shrugged. “…rather have less people looking with their judgy-ass faces and those whispers where they talk to their friend but stare at you. I don’t want to have to punch anyone today.”

Kylo remembered the mean girls from his first day at the beach, how they mocked Ben for his full coverage outfit, webbed gloves, flipper socks, and all. If any of them said a thing to his Arbun because of her clothing or looked at her wrong, he’d have to send Rey in his place on rabid-mode. “But why would they judge what you’re wearing? You’re not even nearly as dressed as Ben.”

The namesake pulled his hood over his head, leaving just a round circle for his eyes, nose, and mouth. “Huh?”

Arbun bore a vague look of discomfort as she smiled. “Not because of my outfit, sweet man. Let’s just say I don’t exactly look like Rey over here, not to mention my scales.”

Kylo’s eye twitched. He knew she felt funny about showing off her beautiful scales, but was she feeling uncomfortable about her size, too? That happened sometimes, even if she tried to hide it. He couldn’t understand it for the life of him, but he supposed it was similar to how he felt about his fusion scars. All that mattered was that she was uncomfortable, and that had to be rectified.

Kylo cupped her cheeks in his hands and tilted her face up toward him. “I don’t need or want you to look like Rey. I love you just as you are. You’re beautiful.” He kissed her lips. “You’re always beautiful to me. And you know how much I love your scales.”

Arbun wrinkled her nose. “I don’t want to embarrass you or anything.”

Kylo crinkled his face in incredulous confusion. “How could you ever embarrass me? I’m the one who gets to be proud walking beside someone as beautiful as you.” He ran his hand down her arm, then over to her stomach and finally to her back. “This body of yours is lovely, precious, and always makes me happy. Just like you.”

She tried to smile, but her lip quivered, and she sunk her face into his chest with a hug. “You always make me feel so special.”

“That’s because you _are_. You’re the most special person I’ve ever met.” He kissed her head. “And I love you.” Kiss. “Every bit of you.” Kiss. “And you’re always beautiful exactly as you are.”

Arbun squeezed him tighter, and he held her against his chest. Behind her, Ben smiled with pride and hugged Rey to him.

Kylo guessed he did something good, but he was only telling the truth.

Arbun leaned back and wiped her eyes. “Know what? I’ll do it. I’ll take the top off. Not the pants because I’ll get the worst rash on my thighs, but…” She shrugged and smiled. “If you’re okay with it, maybe I’ll try to be too.” She grasped the hem of her shirt and lifted it over her head. Her bathing suit top still had plenty of coverage but left her upper chest, shoulders, and the fantastical array of scales on her back bare.

Ben stuck his finger up. “For the record, no lotion has the staying power of SOLO-Protect—hey!” He rubbed his arm after Rey tapped it with the back of her hand.

Rey rolled her eyes. “Oh Ben, really? I barely touched you!”

“You know how sensitive I am!”

Kylo squeezed lotion onto his palm and rubbed his hands together. Arbun tilted her head forward, and Kylo spread the lotion in wide, soothing arcs. To his delight, the oils reacted with her scales, making them look glassy, the iridescent colors shifting beneath the glossy top.

“Ohhh Arbun, your scales are so beautiful like this!”

“You really like them?”

“I love them! They’re like jewels.” He spread the lotion over them once again and smiled. “You’re my _canaba_ butterfly.”

“Aww, I’m your butterfly?”

“My most favorite butterfly in the galaxy.” He wrapped his arms around her and spread the lotion across her chest.

Arbun sighed. “How can you be perfect in every way?”

Kylo chuckled. “I’m really not. I’m a walking mess.”

“Never to me.”

Kylo smiled and held her from behind, taking a moment to just breathe and bask in the pure comfort and sweetness of the moment.

The first rush of cold water against his feet made Kylo sigh in delight. Water was the ultimate soother, when Arbun wasn’t available, of course. There were times when even the rage room wasn’t enough, or he had to pull back because his energy was getting too low, and those were moments when all he could do to calm the fury inside of him was to immerse himself in water. Something about it put out the flames.

He and Arbun dashed past the breaker zone into the deeper waters to join Ben and Rey. All outfitted with breathers and goggles, they dove into the depths to explore.

Kylo showed Arbun his favorite blue fish that reminded him of her scales, and she coaxed the cutest little sea turtle to swim with them. Both were fascinated by a giant, translucent crab which sent Ben scrambling out to deeper waters, Rey on his tail.

That left the two of them to explore on their own or simply float there. These were moments Kylo enjoyed the most. Surrounded by water, there was a soft silence amidst gentle whooshing. The lights were muted but there, dancing and sparkling on the sandy bottom. Here he found a meditative peace, something Ben told him Jedi were supposed to aspire to but neither could muster. Ben’s mind was too busy and Kylo’s body was the same. Rey was the only one who could do it.

Except in the water, where Kylo found a sense of balance. Here the sensory overload was reduced, leaving his mind to embrace stillness.

And when he and Arbun popped up back to the surface to talk about what they had seen and done, he knew he had his moment to enact what was once a dream. In the coolness and weightlessness of the water, in the warming sun, before all the beachgoers, he kissed his girl. Salty but sweet, they held each other and embraced in sheer love until a wave pummeled them.

The cabana Ben rented gave them a dry, shady place to scarf down sandwiches (two for himself, of course, Mom packed plenty.) Eventually Rey made her way over, floating an unconscious Ben on the Force.

Kylo sat up, concerned. “What the hell happened?!”

Rey sighed and shook her head. “He’s fine. He panicked so damn hard after another giant crab incident, he started hyperventilating with the breather and nearly broke it. I had to knock him out for his own safety. He should be up soon.”

Arbun raised one eyebrow. “How did you knock him out in the water? Even with heads above the surface, it’s hard to get a good socking blow in.”

Kylo raised his brow. “Did you get into a fight in the water at one time?”

“One time? Ha!”

He shook his head and smiled. His little warrior.

Rey gently laid Ben down. “It’s a Force thing. You have to be careful, but if you know where to look, you can snip someone’s consciousness for a short period—”

“CRABS!” Ben shrieked, sitting up.

Rey pulled his swimming hood off. “Just relax, we’re on shore. No more crabs.” She sunk her fingers into his hair, stroking his scalp, and he immediately softened.

Arbun pointed. “Hey, she does that thing I do to you! And he has the same reaction.”

Kylo smiled. “We are clones. Damn, wouldn’t that crab have been great to eat today though?”

Arbun tried to answer, but Ben sat up in a panic again, head whipping back and forth. “NO! NO! NO! No giant crabs! NO! NO!”

“Shhhhh,” Rey said, pulling his head to her chest.

Kylo was so used to Ben flipping out, it didn’t much register anymore. He thumbed in his brother’s direction. “You know, this is the second time he almost died because of a crab. Remember that fight we told you about in Kef Bir?”

“Right!” Arbun said. “The day he saved you.”

He paused, introspective. “The turning point in my life. The best one. I wouldn’t have known all this…utter joy if he didn’t show me mercy that day.” He shook his head. “I would have either been dead or miserable, not here so happy with people I love so much in a world I love, with a life I love.” Kylo smiled and sat back in his lounge chair. “I owe everything to him.”

Ben peeked out from between Rey’s breasts. “You owe me nothing, brother. Your happiness is mine too.” He reached out a hand, and Kylo grasped it.

How did a creature like him get to be so fortunate?

~*~

The group hit the waterpark after, Kylo, Arbun, and Rey enjoying the rides, taking turns on the double tubes, while Ben sat beneath a parasol in the lazy river, pondering math.

After, Kylo stuffed his face at the shaved-steak place and inhaled a mountain of fried root curls. Arbun’s friends joined them for dinner, and Kylo was starting to get used to them. They were good, fun people, Kylo was just still working on understanding all the social nuances that came naturally to others.

Except Ben. When he wasn’t frozen in anxiety, he would blurt out things like, “Fun fact, did you know that bromine and mercury are the only two elements on the periodic table that are liquid at room temperature?”

Luckily for Kylo, when the conversation started missing him completely, Arbun would chime in. “I’m just excited that Kylo is going to be in his first musical soon! He’s been working so hard at it.”

Kylo smiled and tried to hide his bashfulness. “It’s…not a big deal.”

“Buddy, it’s huge!” Ben said. “It’s one of the first steps toward your dreams, and a big one! I can’t wait for opening night.”

Kylo felt his cheeks getting ultra hot and rosy. “Yeah, I’m, um, pretty excited. But I have to get more practice in. The choreographer says I have to open my hips more, my dancing is too stiff.” He shook off that frustration, and only afterward worried Arbun’s friends may find that weird. “It’s like I can do everything with my body except dance. Kind of frustrating.”

Arbun clapped her hands together once. “Guys, I got it! Let’s go dancing tonight after the boardwalk!”

Rey lit up, Ben turned forty shades of white, and Kylo nearly ran out the door. “B-b-but I just told you, I can’t dance. It’s going to be hard enough to do the musical, I don’t want to be humiliated in public, too.”

Arbun took his hands. “But that’s why we have to go, so we can get your body moving that way. It will be so much fun, I promise, and I’ll teach you everything you need to know.”

Ben raised his hand. “I second Kylo’s terror.”

To which Kylo scoffed. “I never said it was terror!” It was, but they didn’t need to know that.

Rey shook her head in exasperation. “Ben, you do nothing but gloat over Holo-dancer, beat everyone and anyone who tries to challenge you, and now you’re terrified?”

“Excuse me, that’s different. First of all, it’s a game with points and no one is ever beating me. Second, I have direction from the screen to tell me where to move my body. Without that? I’m lost!”

Arbun leaned toward Rey. “We’ll teach the two of them.”

Rey shook her head and clucked her tongue. “I don’t know, Arbun. I don’t think they’re up for the challenge. Ben clearly doesn’t want to learn anything new, and Kylo just admitted he’s failing at moving his body. It’s almost as if the two things they are so good at—” She shrugged. “—they just can’t do.”

Kylo, along with Ben, glowered.

~*~

Kylo only realized he and Ben had been tricked into dancing once they were already at the club. Too late to turn back now.

Arbun and her friends tried to loosen them up with drinks, but even Rey agreed that only Hyper-Fuel was allowed for the two guys. Arbun had a hard time believing Kylo would have spent the entire night crying, but she definitely believed Ben would spend it making bad science jokes no one understood.

On the dance floor, Ben and Kylo stayed closer to each other than their girls, both swaying in tandem to the beat.

Rey grunted. “You look like two trees flapping in a pathetic excuse for a storm.”

“I don’t get this!” Kylo growled from between his teeth. “I don’t get it at school and I don’t here!”

“And I’m just following him,” Ben said. “At least he has _some_ experience. We’re too tall for this!”

Kylo nodded vehemently. “Yeah, definitely too tall!”

Arbun grasped his hands and pulled him closer. “You’re not too tall. You just have to learn to feel the music. Feel it until you have no choice but to move.”

Ben pointed at the speakers while talking to Rey. “I can see colors in mathematical formulas, but I can’t feel music. I’m not sure what to do here.”

Arbun put her hands on Kylo’s hips. “Lower your stance a little and feel it here. Move from here.”

Now Ben pointed at them. “I can’t feel this in my hips—”

Rey pressed her fingers to her head and growled. “Ben, please, just try? You know I always go to the electronics stores with you and sit through those lectures, and I’m always holding your coat while you play Holo-dancer—”

“That’s it!” Ben tapped at his comm, detached a mechanism from it, and stuck it in Rey’s top bun. “Here, wear this.”

“Wear what, what are you doing?”

Ben swiped at his comm toward her, and above her head projected a mini Holo-dancer screen. “I forgot the software has song recognition and can pick up anything that’s played and set up a dance scheme!”

“NO!” Rey shrieked. “You’re not making me wear a Holo-dancer projection on my head!”

Kylo didn’t know if he had this power like his clone, but Ben turned on the saddest, most begging eyes that instantly turned Rey into mush.

No wonder she left him to be with Ben. Who could resist that?

Rey’s fingers moved to her temples. “Know what, fine. If it gets you dancing with me, then fine.”

Kylo wondered if that would work on Arbun, as in getting him out of this whole dancing thing. But when he caught her eyes again, she looked up at him like he was the greatest thing to ever exist, and he realized that if he looked like a swaying tree in a storm, then it was worth it to make her happy.

The song changed, and she smiled. “You remember this one? From my collection? You said you liked it once.”

“Yeah. It doesn’t fill me with pure aggression like Heavy Durasteel does, but I like its rhythm.”

“So feel it, feel it in your hips, in your legs, your shoulders, but especially your heart. Just feel it and let it move you.”

He was used to feeling things. It was part of being a Force user. Well, if he could project Force-lightning at will, maybe dancing wouldn’t be so hard.

“I have an idea.” Arbun turned around and nestled herself against his body. “Just follow me, follow along with my movements. Feel me and let it move you.”

“Okay.”

He had to admit, this actually was a little easier. It was no longer just about the music, but the connection. And he supposed that being in a room full of people moving with the same rhythm, basking in the same joy he could feel through the Force, it did have an intoxicating effect.

Maybe it was the worry that was holding him back, the fear of humiliation. After all, he knew how to move his body. That was one thing he never had to question. And he could feel. Music was still new for him, but it was designed to make people feel.

Sense, feel, and move.

He put aside the worry. Humiliation didn’t seem likely with everyone focused on their own fun, and Rey was dancing with a projected holo-screen on her head and she didn’t shoot anyone, so maybe it wasn’t a big deal. He let himself loosen, enjoy the song like he usually did, let it move him.

It almost felt natural.

He observed others, how their hands moved, where they placed their feet, how they tipped their heads or twisted their upper bodies. He even caught Ben, who had a full instruction in front of him beaming off of Rey’s head. Actually, Ben didn’t look too bad over there. He was quite good, even if it differed from everyone else’s moves.

But so what? Wasn’t the point to have fun?

Arbun spun around and lit up in joy. “You’re doing it!”

“I am?”

“Yes!”

Kylo smiled and mimicked some of her moves too. His body learned fast, his mind getting the idea, and his feelings finally got him on the right path. Arbun took his hands and moved them in tandem with her own.

Well shit, he was actually having fun!

Then the music shifted to something much slower, and he was disappointed. That was until Arbun pressed up against him, her hands behind his neck. He naturally reached for her lower back and held her to him. It was an odd time for a hug or kiss, but he realized quickly this was neither. Her body moved, but much slower.

“Just feel it, Ky.”

He looked around and saw others doing the same. It was a slow dance, a close one, just another form of affection but set to music.

Ben and Rey were similarly positioned, but she kept having to redirect his gaze from the projection on her head to her face. Eventually, even he got the hang of it and smiled, dancing with his lady.

Time to focus on his own.

There was something special about moving like this while looking into her eyes. To feel music like this and match it to what was already in your heart, it was a new and special kind of magic. Could a slow dance make you fall even deeper in love?

He wasn’t sure about anyone else, but he felt it.

The rest of the room faded away, and nothing else existed but her with her sweet face, her soft body, and her strong heart that soothed his inner beast and welcomed it.

She nestled under his chin then, and holding her to him like this, they swayed and moved, but it felt like something else, something ethereal.

It was official. He liked dancing.

And just when his perfect moment was over, the song switched to something fast again. A thrilled Arbun let him go with a squeal and bounced to the new beat, this being another of her favorites, and Kylo had no problem joining her in her revelry.

By the end of the night, he was tired in a good way, sated by movement, feeling, and love. Ben got challenged to a few games of Holo-dancer off of Rey’s head, to which he of course won. Rey downed so many glowing, fruity drinks in order to tolerate being a walking projector that Ben had to carry her to the transport after.

On the ride back, Kylo felt tired but so incredibly happy. He smiled over at his brother who held a drooling, unconscious Rey in his arms. Then, after a kiss to Arbun’s head, he nestled down on her shoulder to embark on his favorite end of beach day pastime: falling asleep on the one you love.

~*~

“Ready?” Kylo asked. “And go.”

He kept pace with Arbun as she struck out with the cane training saber according to the choreographed movement he had shown her. He blocked each one, then they switched offensive and defensive positions, the clacking strikes echoing in the training room.

“Good, now let’s pick up the pace.”

He loved teaching Arbun swordsmanship, even if she would more than likely never bear a real lightsaber of her own. She was an excellent student, leagues better than Ben, who still drove Kylo nuts any time they practiced. He was sure his brother would eventually stop whining after months of training, but…no. He didn’t. He definitely didn’t.

“One more time, full speed.”

Her determined eyes stayed on his and she nodded once. This was the toughest maneuver because this is where he didn’t hold back in his speed, strength, or ferocity. If she wanted to learn the deadly art of the blade, he would show her the raw truth of it.

Pride beamed in his chest as she kept up, even against his fury. At the last strike they paused, weapons locked onto one another as well as their eyes. Here was not his soft and gentle love of his heart. This was a warrior with her blood on fire.

He softened and stepped back, withdrawing. “Excellent. Ready for some free-sparring?”

Arbun stepped into her stance and readied her weapon. “Always.”

Kylo took a breath, readied himself, and charged at her. He kept it simple, only amping up his ability when she showed she was ready for it and taking it down a little when he sensed she was getting a bit outmatched. The one guard who had shown the most kindness to him (and that wasn’t saying much) had taught him in this manner, while the others just destroyed him until he could stop being destroyed. He felt he learned the most from the former method, and it was the one Rey used in her popup classes.

With the heat of battle getting under his skin, he smirked as he caught her in a hold and backed her up against the wall, hovering over her as their weapons strained against one another.

“Hey,” she said, “no fair. You didn’t teach me that, you big sneak.”

“I know,” he said, leaning down. He kissed at her bare shoulder, then up her neck. “It’s my secret maneuver for getting you in a corner.”

She giggled in such a seductive manner and kissed at his dewy chest. “And what will you do with me now that you’ve caught me?”

He puffed a hot breath near her ear and kissed the downy lobe. “Everything,” he whispered.

“Stars, I love you in a tank top.” Arbun tossed her weapon and leapt onto him, legs clinging around his waist. Kylo dropped his and pushed her up against the wall, grinding against her as he dominated her mouth with a kiss. She frantically ran her hands over his hair, then attacked his neck with licks, nips and kisses.

Kylo raked his teeth up into her hair. “What is it about combat that makes me so fucking horny?”

“Oh, I don’t know, the close physicality? The precipice between life and death? Sweaty bodies and musky hormones floating around?”

“Yes!” He licked at her pulse point and ground up hard against her.

“Which one?” She raked her fingernails over his tank top.

“All of it!”

Just as she started pulling his shirt up, the doors to the training room slid open.

Rey grunted as she stomped down the stairs. “Oh go blow up some other room, would you two?”

“Yeah,” Ben said, tossing a towel over his shoulder, “I’ve got Holo-dancer down here!”

Rey snickered. “I had this dream once—know what, never mind.”

Kylo dipped his head down onto Arbun’s shoulder and sighed. “Pick this up later?”

Arbun kissed the side of his head. “You better.”

“Kylo?” Ben called, pointing to the system. “Workout?”

How could he work out with his dick hard enough to slay the entire population of Mustafar? He waved off his brother. “In a few minutes.”

Arbun nipped his pec and slid out. “I’ll do a few with you while Kylo…takes a breather. Unless Rey—”

“Noooo,” Rey responded. “I have no use for that thing.” She ignited her lightsaber and stepped into a few practice forms.

Arbun watched her with starts in her eyes. “Sooo cool!”

Ben started the Holo-dancer system. “Know what’s even cooler? Wait until you see this new mod I installed!”

Kylo chuckled. All four of them were from different worlds, yet fit together.

After three songs on Holo-dancer, Arbun stumbled away from the system. “Need break! I’m pooped!”

Since Kylo’s underpants were back to their normally deflated state of being, he stepped up. And since Ben was already a few songs in, Kylo was sure to beat his brother.

Yeah…

“Fucking damnit!” Kylo roared after three songs. “How are you not fucking tired yet?”

Ben dabbed at his sweat with such an arrogant air, Kylo could see the Prince of Alderaan come to the fore, and he honestly wanted to pummel his brother for it. “It’s a gift.”

“Gift my ass—START A NEW ONE!”

He didn’t know why Ben had to constantly piss him off with this game. It was the ONLY time he ever had any animosity toward his beloved brother, and it was also the only time Ben ever acted like an ungodly prick.

Worse, he could hear the whispers starting behind them yet again.

“Just watch, you’ll see,” Rey’s voice hinted on the wind toward Arbun. “Go ahead, trust me.”

“GO GET’IM KY!” Arbun called, prompting him to prove himself.

So this time he tried even harder. He couldn’t look like a fool in front of his girl.

And when he finally won that round, Ben spun off, pissed. “You used the fucking Force on me!”

Damnit, he hated when Ben pulled this shit. “I did not! You lost fair and square!”

“Here it comes,” Rey whispered.

Ben was annoying him enough, and Rey was adding to it. Kylo yanked his tank top off and thrust it across the room. Arbun rushed over to get it. She was so sweet, not wanting his shirt to get dirty.

“Smell,” Rey whispered.

Arbun inhaled like someone had baked a fresh tray of cupcakes. “Oh my stars…”

“Right?”

“Let’s go!” Ben growled when he was back on the platform. Boy, was he pissed.

After another round, Kylo won again, and that sense of victory had him howling toward the ceiling and flexing his muscles in fury.

“Oh my stars…oh my…” Arbun whispered.

“It gets better,” Rey giggled.

“You’re fucking with me!” Ben shouted. “You’re throwing off my game somehow!”

Why the fuck did Ben have to blame him when _he_ was the one losing? “Maybe you’re just _tired._ You are ten years older than me.”

“Oh bullshit—START IT AGAIN!”

Yet another round, and Ben kept glaring at him, so he kept glaring back. Kylo swore he heard a growl, so he did it back. And if anyone had to teach Ben a lesson in humility with this fucking game, then Kylo was going to do it.

Except he lost.

“IN YOUR FACE!” Ben cried, actually in his face.

Kylo didn’t like _anyone_ getting in his face without permission. Wasn’t that a boundary violation? So he shoved Ben back, just enough to get him out of his space.

“Don’t shove me!” Ben said while actually doing it in return.

“Here it comes!” Rey squealed.

Whatever the hell Ben became when he played this, it pissed Kylo off. And no one got away with shoving him. So he grabbed Ben’s midsection and hurled him to the ground.

Arbun gasped. “Oh shit—”

“Nah nah, it’s fine,” Rey said. “Trust me.”

“But Ky’s really strong—”

“Just watch.”

And Ben, instead of being his usual screaming, jumpy ass, turned on Kylo with equal aggression, trying to roll on top of him. But Kylo knew how to counter anything Ben tried, so his brother would always play dirty, shoving at his face and pulling his hair.

This time it was his ear.

“Ow!” Kylo cried. “What are you, five?”

“Well get off me!”

“No, you’re being a dick!”

More shoves, tumbles, and rolls, Ben always trying to be the tough, dominant one for some inexplicable reason he never showed in any other aspect of his life. And Kylo wasn’t about to submit. Ever.

Grunts, growling, and the entire time, he could hear Rey and Arbun going back and forth.

“Oh shit, that is so hot.”

“And all that hair whipping around?”

“They’re so sweaty and slippery!”

“Smell that? Like raw testosterone. They’re fucking loaded with it!”

They sounded like they were enjoying it. But why? If Mom came down and caught them, they’d be in big trouble. Why were those two okay with it? Craving it even?

Ben sighed and plopped down. “Okay, I give. I am too old for this shit.”

“Hey!” Rey called. “Don’t let Kylo make you feel old! Show him who’s boss!”

Kylo’s eye twitched. “Why does Rey always get us to fight each other? I know she loves you and wants to protect you all the time. Is she hoping _I_ get hurt?”

Ben lifted his brow and looked over. “Uh, I don’t think either of them want us to get hurt, but the fighting is definitely doing something for them.”

“Like what?”

“Like you should probably head straight to the rage room so you can blow it up all you like.”

“Why would I need to—oh. _Ohhhh_.” Kylo released Ben from the hold and sat up. Arbun was indeed over there, rubbing her legs together and inhaling his shirt.

He rose to his feet, and since he was already full of power and fury, he stomped over as if he was master and lord of the universe. But he really didn’t need the rage room anymore. He’d gotten quite good at mastering his newfound powers. Looming tall above her, he merely pointed with a flick of his fingers. “Bedroom.”

Arbun heaved in breaths as if she had just run a marathon and raced up the stairs with his shirt cradled in his arms.

When he turned, he saw Rey, so much smaller than Ben in every way, run a commanding finger down the bare section of his brother’s chest. “You will wait for me in the bedroom with none of this on.”

Ben lit up like a blast of sunshine. “Okay!” He flew up the stairs even faster than Arbun.

Kylo and Rey looked at one another and shared a moment of understanding.

It was just in their nature.

~*~

Kylo sat on the couch in his room, one leg up, pants on, shirt still missing. “Get on all fours.”

Arbun, down to her bra and underwear, complied with her lip between her teeth. Kylo felt so rude having her present herself from the floor, but this is what she _asked_ for, and he would gladly oblige. Plus, he couldn’t help but enjoy the shot of Darkness it fed in him.

With two fingers of his leather-gloved hand, he motioned toward himself, filling with a sense of power from imagining being the emperor of the galaxy stretched upon his throne.

She made her way forward, body swaying and angling with each movement of arm and leg, worshipful eyes locked onto his. When she reached his leg, she slid her hands from bottom to top and hugged it to her body, leaning her head on his knee.

He petted her hair. “Such a good girl, coming to your emperor on your hands and knees.”

“You are more than an emperor.”

“Oh? What am I then?”

She looked up at him. “A god.”

Kylo smirked, his manhood hardening while his body filled with the sensuous magma of Darkness. He stood, causing her to rise as well. “I’ll show you a god.”

With a raise of his hands, her body lifted into the air. He paced around her with a sharp, watchful eye as he manipulated the Force to undress the rest of her. He needed her completely naked for this next part.

When she was bare and luscious before him, he clasped his hand around her throat, no pressure, just possession. He drew her body toward him, his massive height and width overpowering like a wave crashing from overhead. He held her there a moment, to let her bask in his power, before his next words fell just outside her ear.

“Do you give yourself unto your Dark Lord?”

“Yes,” she whispered, trembling, but he knew it was in anticipation, or she would have used her safe word.

“Do you trust your Dark Lord?”

“Yes.”

He put his gloved finger to her lips. “Bite.”

She nipped the tip, and he pulled his hand out of the glove. After he flung it across the room, he slid his still-gloved hand from her neck, down and over her body, up to the back of her head, and shoved his kiss onto her lips, seeking deep with his tongue to absorb everything that she was. With his free, bare hand, he let the tiniest dance of red sparks form on his fingertips. Starting at her hip, he drew his finger along, her gasp and high-pitched cry making him press himself against her. They had played with this before, practiced over and over, until he learned just how much felt kinky and erotic and how much was too much.

Up her skin his sparks tingled while carving a path of ominous red light, and she responded by wrapping her leg around his hip and grinding against him.

He spread his fingers when he reached her breast, and her cries, grunts, and arching against him was becoming too much to bear with his pants on. So he floated her over to his bed and stalked her with a hunter’s eye, pacing at the foot, pulling off his remaining glove.

Arbun waggled her finger at him. “Not too much with the powers, remember? I can walk to the bed.”

A deep rumble formed in his chest. “My prey doesn’t walk or run from me.”

She was back to smiling and writhing. “What will you do with me, big beast man?”

With a huff of air, he growled, “I’ll show you a beast.” He leapt onto her and snarled into her neck, just lingering there, letting his hot breath make the little hairs on her body rise in response. Simultaneously he gripped at her waiting heat while biting down onto her neck, not enough to hurt, but just enough to make her wonder how far he would actually go, all the while rubbing at her sensuous region.

He kissed his little indents, then sniffed his way down her shoulder and latched on there while sinking his fingers deep into her. Thumb rubbing her outer pleasure, fingers coaxing her inner, he kissed at more indents and nipped at the top of her breast. One of her hands stroked his hair, taming her beast, while the other clawed at his back, spurring him onward.

Kylo took her peak into a deep suckle with a flicking tongue before trailing down to her mound. Buried deep in her sweet musk, his tongue replaced his thumb, and he drove his fingers in and out of her at a rapid pace.

He felt like he had barely gotten her started when she began calling to him. “Oh Ky…oh Ky, I want you…I want you inside me.”

Thank the stars, because that’s exactly what he wanted. He licked one last, huge stripe from entrance to tip, then stood on the bed.

Arbun pushed herself back to watch him, and he was prepared to put on a show, or the gun show, or the gun tease, whatever the hell she liked. Staring down at her, daring her to escape his capture, he flexed every muscle to show her his physical prowess. Her approving smile fluffed his pride, and he gripped at his belt, yanking it open, yanking his pants open, then curled his fingers and flicked outward, shoving his pants down with the Force.

After he kicked those away, she said, “Free the real beast now.” But as soon as he gripped his underwear, she said, “Stop! Turn around. I want to see that ass at work.”

Though he hated turning his back toward anyone (it left his warrior self on guard,) he knew he could do it with her. Trust. To him it was its own aphrodisiac.

He flexed his back muscles to her delighted purr, then pulled off the rest of his trappings. Not yet turned around, he looked back at her. “How do you want me to fuck you tonight?”

She crawled up on all fours again. “Like a beast.”

He turned, and she was on his hungry manhood instantly, and it took all his strength not to crumple to his knees at the sudden wall of pleasure. She was sucking and flicking and devouring him like the world was about to explode and the only thing that would save it was their orgasms. He sunk his fingers into her hair and gripped, not wanting to control her pace but just drunk on the desire to thrust into her.

And then he knew how he wanted to take her. “Back on the bed, now.” She inched herself backwards, onto her rear. “No, not like that.” With a twist of his fingers, he flipped her with a yelp onto her stomach.

He knelt between her legs and took a moment to appreciate the expanse of her body. With his giant fingers spread, he wrapped them around each cheek of her rear and stroked deep and strong, enjoying the endless softness.

Arbun purred. “Oh Ky, that feels so good.”

He slid his hands up her back and peppered little kisses behind them. “Aren’t you afraid? To have a beast at your back?”

“You’re the only beast who can devour me.”

His growl rumbled from deep in his chest before he clamped down once again at the crook of her neck. Her gasp and high-pitched moan stirred his darkest desires, and he flattened his body against hers, claiming her as his own. “Good,” he breathed into her ear, “because I’ve captured you, and you are mine.”

“Fuck Ky, your words alone are going to make me come.”

Shit! He better get in there. Kylo gripped her hips and pulled her to her hands and knees again. His needy hunter sought her wetness and heat, and the way she arched to drive him home stirred something primal in him. He slid into her without a hint of resistance, burying himself deep, and thrust while gripping her hips in a possessive hold.

Kylo tossed his head back and growled, this position letting him just fire into her with abandon. And her soft, pillowy back end welcomed every thrust.

“Smack my ass!” she cried.

Kylo flinched. “What?”

“Do it!”

He kind of felt terrible raising a hand against her. Even when they trained hand to hand combat, he always took the defensive. But she wanted him to…

With a breath, he patted her rounded cheek.

“Better than that.”

Kylo sighed and gave a gentle swat.

“Harder!”

Feeling like a monster rather than a beast, he gave a good cracking smack with very little power behind it.

“Yes! Do it again!”

He gave her a couple more cracks of the same magnitude, then rubbed the reddened spot.

“Stars, Ky, you’re so good! This feels so good!”

He had something to make her feel good. With the Force he rubbed at her bud once more, and she let out this grunting cry.

“Oh fuck, Ky! This is so good!”

Maybe he’d make it better. He had to be judicious in how much power he used, but this much would be worth it. He slid his hands up and down her back while pounding into her, then ignited the red sparks at his fingertips before drawing them down and over her rear.

Her guttural cry surprised him, and he almost thought he did something wrong until she cried out over and over, spasming hard against him.

It was by far the most powerful orgasm he had ever given her, and it instantly sparked his own. He hammered hard into her, barely holding onto reality as that intense, overwhelming pleasure took over his entire being, culminating in a roar from the depths of his center. A sudden flash of darkness raced through him, but he caught it and directed it toward a safe space, allowing himself to enjoy the last throes of his rapture.

He thrust his head back, slowing his pace but ramming hard into her, finishing while the fire of the predator ebbed out of him, softening his demeanor, returning him to that soft center of love.

He pulled her body up and embraced her from behind, not yet pulling out, wanting to just have as much contact with her as possible. While he kissed up and down her shoulder and neck, she held the arms that wrapped around her.

“Mmmm, so good,” she whispered, turning her face toward him. He kissed her and pressed up into her just a little more, one last shot of being one with the person he loved. He left her lips and stared into her eyes, into her soul, basking in that joy of union.

Then she nodded toward his nightstands, a glow dancing on her skin. “You did it.”

Kylo looked over to find the collection of candles on either side all lit, their flickering flames dancing along the walls. He smiled with a sense of shadowy pride.

Arbun pulled his hand up, kissed it, then reached for the pillows. He finally had to let her go, but just as quickly nuzzled up under her arm and onto her chest. Usually he held her, but sometimes he just needed that sense of deep comfort, to nestle into her softness.

“You didn’t use too much power again, did you?” she asked.

“No, I’m fine.” He sighed and smiled. “Tired, but fine in that way. I can’t believe I actually lit the candles this time instead of obliterating them.”

“You’re getting so strong in your powers. It’s so hot.”

“All thanks to you.” He kissed her bare breast. “Because you believe in me. You trust me.” He smiled. “You treat me like a man but play with me like I’m a god. It lets me embrace all these powerful parts of myself but makes me come back down, back what really matters.”

“And what’s that?”

“Love. Companionship. You. I love you, Arbun. With everything I have, I love you.”

“I love you too, Ky-bear.”

He smiled and settled into that calling, soft darkness while Arbun stroked his hair.

~*~

“So I’ve got some exciting news,” Arbun said as she sat with Kylo in the living room. “I met up with an old friend from Coruscant, Shior Tam. We grew up together in that shithole slum, and my uncle trained the both of us since we basically had to fight to survive. Well, he went on to form his own martial arts school teaching the same methods, and we got to talking and we decided it would benefit both our businesses to merge and expand.”

Kylo was entirely lost the moment she said businesses. “Oh, that’s…what?”

She giggled and kissed his cheek. “We want to form one big business where we can share our resources and open a chain of schools, over there and over here, maybe even on other planets.”

“Oh wow, that’s great!” He thought a moment. “Right?”

“It sure is, sweet man. I was kind of hoping to talk to your brother about it. I know he has a corporation, not a small business, but I know he had to start somewhere before he expanded.”

“Yeah, sure, he’d love to help. You know him. Ask him a question and it’s like his birthday.”

Speak of the nerd, Ben came swooping into the house. “Hey! Big news. We’re in testing phases of the DNA rewriting module. In a few weeks we can actually start the clinical trials!”

As usual, Kylo was lost, but thank the stars Arbun took the helm. “Ben, that’s great! You hear that, Kylo?” She shook his arm in excitement. “Ben could have your cure soon!”

He sat there, stunned. Was this a reality? Was this finally becoming a reality?

Was he going to live?

“Ky-bear? You okay?”

Maybe. He huffed out a breath. “I, um…” He briefly smiled. “I’m almost…scared. To think of it.”

“Why, sweet man? Isn’t this what you’ve been wanting all this time?”

“That’s exactly why I’m scared. Good things…” He swallowed. “…always went away. I’m almost afraid to believe in it in case it doesn’t work out.”

Arbun took his hand. “I’m not going away. Aren’t I a good thing?”

What kind of question was that?! “You’re the _best_ thing!” He smiled and brushed his fingers through her hair. “You’re my everything.”

“Then let’s think positive about it. If it works…” She smiled and shrugged so sweetly. “…we’d have a whole lifetime to be together. No time limits.”

A whole lifetime! With Arbun! Mom kept telling him he shouldn’t try to marry her so soon, and got tired of him asking week after week, but was Arbun saying what he thought she was saying?

Mom told him to at least wait until Ben went first, saying it was only fair. He supposed it was. Ben had been with Rey a few months longer than Kylo had been with Arbun.

Well then Ben better hurry up with the proposal so Kylo could get his done too!

“Hey Ben,” Arbun said, sitting up, “do you have a few minutes? I have some business questions I want to ask of you.”

Ben sprung to attention. “Questions, eh? I _loooove_ questions.” He slid onto the couch. “What’s going on?”

The two of them went on and Kylo’s attention dwindled into dust. Thankfully, Rey came in and tipped her head toward the other two. “What’s going on there?”

“Business and merging and chains.”

“Huh, chains sound fun. The rest, not so much. Hey, wanna train while they’re yapping?”

“Fuck yes!” He leapt to his feet.

Arbun looked up. “Ky, where are you going?”

“Me and Rey are gonna train while you two talk.” He clenched his fists and thrust them out. “I gotta work off some energy, anyway.”

She smiled and winked. “Don’t work off too much. Save some for me.”

He grinned. “Always.”

Kylo loved that he could fight with abandon when it came to practicing with Rey. When he was teaching Arbun, he’d have to take such careful control, even in their free sparring with practice canes. But with Rey? His relative equal, he could let loose and feel safe doing so.

Red and yellow lightsabers crashed into one another, whether hard overhead strikes or twirling swipes. He would charge at her with full, muscular fury, and she would counter with speed, agility, and vicious bite.

“You’ve been throwing around a lot of power lately,” Rey said rather out of the blue.

“Yeah, I’m getting stronger. Ever since I’ve been with Arbun, my powers have just been expanding like crazy.” He smiled even as he shoved off her strikes. “She helps bring it out in me. Not just passion, but…she likes it. She actually likes it in me.”

“Well I’m starting to think maybe you’re taking it too far. Especially with her.”

Kylo slowed his strikes to concentrate on the sudden turn in conversation. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to see her get hurt.”

Kylo rolled his eyes and spun out of an attempt to corner him. “She’s fine. She’s safe with me. I’ve always pulled back. I’ve never hurt her with it.” He ducked under a swing. “Not to mention I’ve gotten control over everything that was coming up. We don’t even have to go in the rage room anymore.”

“Okay, let’s talk about you then. You’re pushing to levels that are too strong. You’re nearing my levels, and it’s dangerous.”

Kylo scoffed. “What, don’t like the competition?”

“That’s not what I’m saying—”

“How is it my powers on your level are dangerous, but yours aren’t?” His anger over where this discussion was going fueled faster strikes.

“Because you don’t have the same capacity for control that I do!”

He shoved off her strike. Hard. “What the fuck’s that supposed to mean? We’re the same damn age, first of all, and if anyone’s had formal training, it’s me!”

“That doesn’t mean anything!”

“Well what the fuck do you mean? What is it you actually want to say?”

“Kylo—”

“That I’m stupider than you?” His strikes picked up in intensity. “I’m just some brain damaged crazy person who can’t control himself?”

“You KNOW full well you have self-control problems!”

“That I’m working on! All the fucking time! And I’m a hell of a lot better than I was—why the fuck do you treat me like I’m seventeen all the time?! I’ve grown, Rey. I’m not the little fucking toy you played with while at Exegol that you threw on the ground—”

Rey’s strikes picked up _way_ higher in intensity. “Oh would you cut it out with that shit already? Let it go, would you?”

“Why don’t you let _me_ go?! I thought that’s what you were trying to do!”

“Oh please, I got over you months ago, before you even started dating Arbun.”

“Oh yeah right.”

“Excuse me?”

“I see the way you look at me! I hear you, sense you. And here you are again trying to control me—”

“For the safety of everyone involved! You’re getting too strong!”

A level of rage even he didn’t understand flashed through his veins. “Who the fuck are you to tell me how strong I’m supposed to get?!”

Her face was turning levels of vicious as well. “How the fuck are we supposed to get you under control when you—”

“See? There you are, trying to control me yet again—”

“You need to be controlled!”

“I’m not a fucking child or incompetent! Stop treating me like I am!”

Her voice took on a growl. “I will treat you exactly as you need to be treated before you turn into some wild, out of control—”

“Monster?! Is that what you’re going to fucking say?” His fury was squeezing out of his pores.

Rey gave him a Force-shove. “You and I both know what you’re capable of, and if you don’t stop expanding your powers, you’ll become exactly that!”

Glowering, he Force-shoved her back. Surprise lit her face as she tumbled back a few steps, and he just stared at her in amusement. He knew she would try to block his power, and it failed against his newfound expansion.

She must have seen him as a real threat now, because her lips pulled back, teeth bared, eyes flashing into a golden glow.

Rey thrust her hand out, gripping him in a full-body squeeze. “Is this what you want? To prove me right? You want to overpower me when you know you need me to control you when you lose your shit?!”

She was restricting his breathing, not putting on a full choke, but making a very stark statement of where this was going to go unless he acquiesced.

And maybe he should have. But he was so tired of her treating him like he was inferior to her, and then having the audacity to try to stop him from his fucking _right_ to gain strength in his powers, especially when he wasn’t hurting anyone with it, that just pushed him over the edge.

He pushed against her lines of energy, struggled hard against it, and soon breathed a little easier. The surprise in her eyes fed that predatory nature in him, and he gripped her in just as strong of a hold as she had him in. He had no doubt his eyes were shining and yellow, and hers flared in intensity as surprise turned to rage.

“Kylo,” she spit out, “let go right now or I’ll make you sorry you ever raised your Force to me.”

Still struggling, he ground out, “ _You_ let _me_ go! You threw Force first!”

Well, she wasn’t backing down, and a deadly flood of Darkness filled the room. Her fingertips crackled with blue-white sparks, and he only had a second to react.

Her arc of Force-lightning froze mid-air, and it was taking a heavy toll out of him to do that. But if she was going to pull that card, then he had every right to return fire.

His fingertips sparking with red, he thrust out toward her. Their arcs of energy met and neither would back down, or gain ground.

When Rey saw they were equally matched, she grew desperate for only a second before her face softened.

If she was doing what Kylo thought she was doing, he was in big trouble.

Rey had a secondary power source, and she was about to draw on that dyad to use it.

The doors to the training room slid open, and Ben rushed down half the stairs before stopping with his eyes wide. “Guys?!”

Arbun was right behind him, and her eyes lit with both excitement and trepidation. “Is this part of training?”

Ben answered. “No. Arbun, go back upstairs right now. This is dangerous.”

She quickly nodded and zipped back up. All Kylo could feel was shame that the woman he loved was witnessing this, having to see him become his most dangerous self. But as she still peeked from behind the doorway, he did not see fear or disgust in her eyes.

Just concern. Worried for him.

Ben held his hand up. “Guys, whatever is happening, however this happened, let’s just stop and talk about it.”

Rey growled, “I’m not stopping until he learns a harsh lesson about trying to overpower me!”

Oh did she just reduce everything to this being his fault?! “Are you fucking kidding me?” he eeked out. The toll of using all this power and her continuous hold on him was really straining his entire body. “You started this shit! And I’m not backing down until you stop treating me like I’m a child!”

Ben looked so worried, his eyes so sad. Kylo really considered giving up at that point. If it was upsetting Ben, it wasn’t worth it.

But he was just so _sick_ of Rey pretending like she was older and wiser while he was just some dumb kid. Or worse.

He couldn’t help that his brain condition made it harder for him to function at the same level as everyone else, but she still had no right to treat him like he was lesser because of it. And maybe that’s where a bulk of this rage was coming from, that she was basically pointing right at his fusion scar and calling him a problem.

Rey must have drawn on her dyad power, because the hold on him increased to the point he couldn’t fight her off anymore.

But he was going to try. Damn, he was going to try.

Then Ben closed his eyes and lifted his hand. A soft, wavering light spread from his heart, out and around him, tinged in sky blue at the ends but pure soft white at its center. It was just like the light that poured from him on Kef Bir, when he broke through the suppression and saved them both.

An energetic embodiment of his profound love for both of them.

The circle of light expanded, and Kylo could feel the Darkness recede, scrambling away from this sudden influx of light. And when it touched him, enveloped him, he felt the pure softness of Ben’s hugs, his love, his kindness and supportive energy. The rage, the hurt, the Darkness-driven desire for battle, it all softened and eased away.

Kylo withdrew all his energy against Rey, not even caring if she suddenly unleashed all of hers on him. He wanted to stay in this soft, sudden peace, no matter the cost.

But she must have been feeling it too, because her power pulled back, her eyes softened, and she diminished to her knees as if regretting what she had just done.

He knew. He felt it too.

Kylo dropped to his knees also, rather spent, but took one more moment to look up at his brother. Like a glimmering, holy being, like a god manifest on Chandrila, he stood exhibiting the most loving and gentle peace. Kylo wanted to remember that look forever, as well as the feeling he got in that expansive power.

The light finally calmed, and Ben was back to being a man, his big brother. And Kylo felt like the biggest asshole.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to both of them, all three of them with Arbun still peeking from up the stairs.

“Yeah, me too,” Rey said from the other side of the room.

Ben knelt next to Rey, then extended his hand for Kylo. “Come.”

He wanted to get up, obey his beloved brother, but the energy was just gone. He lifted an arm and dropped it. Ben picked up the cue and lifted Kylo over to him, just as he had done on Kef Bir. He grasped both of their hands and used the Force to put Rey’s and Kylo’s together as well. There, Ben started the dyad cycle that flooded them with energy, returning them to their strong, healthy state.

When all was done, Kylo still couldn’t look at Rey, and she was the same. Both let their Darkness get the best of them.

And both said some hurtful things.

Ben sighed and braced his hands on his thighs. “So, how about we talk about whatever’s eating the two of you instead of trying to kill each other?”

“I’m sorry about before,” Kylo said later as he held Arbun in his arms. “I wish you hadn’t seen me and Rey at our worst.” He sighed. “We’re too much alike in some ways, and when it explodes…”

Arbun stroked his chest. “I was just worried you were using too much power. I guess you did, kinda.”

“Yeah. We both went too far.” He smiled. “Both so damn hardheaded sometimes.”

“It was sweet to see you both apologize and hug. I don’t think I could ever imagine that kind of battle scene ending in such a sweet embrace.”

“Heh, that’s what it’s like in a house full of Force-sensitives. Especially Darksiders.”

“She really upset you, huh?”

Kylo sighed. “I get what she’s saying, well, now that Ben made us talk more calmly about it. And I know it’s because she cares. But I don’t think she gets how it makes me feel, when she just…”

“Acts like an angry mom yelling at her kid?”

“Yes! We’re both the same age, and it’s insulting. She always thinks she’s better than me, like she has it all figured out and I’m just some idiot, a child in a man’s body. Do you know how that feels? Especially with…” He hissed out a breath. “With my fucking head the way it is?” He inhaled. “I don’t like being made to feel like I’m inferior, and that’s how she makes me feel. Even Mom, my actual mom, talks to me with respect and kindness. She doesn’t launch into telling me what to do, as if I’m too stupid to learn on my own.”

Arbun traced the lines of his scar on his head. “I could only imagine how it feels, but I know how much it hurts you. You work so hard at trying to fit into a world you weren’t raised in. It must be so frustrating when you hear that.”

“Yes!” He sighed with a smile and looked at her. “I love how much you get me.”

“And I just love _you_. You know…” She stroked his chest with her finger. “I have to kind of admit, seeing you in full battle mode, that was really hot.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I know Ben wanted me to get away so I didn’t get caught in anything, but I couldn’t stop watching you.”

“Yeah? You couldn’t look away from your Dark Lord?”

She kissed his neck. “My sexy…” Kiss, kiss. “…sexy Dark Lord.”

Kylo chuckled and flashed his eyes toward the other end of his bedroom. “Hey Melanie, can you give us a bit of privacy? Come back later?”

“Or like, hang out with your droid buddies all night, you know, whatever.”

Kylo cuddled her and kissed her head. “You know she has to come back.”

Arbun walked her fingers down his stomach. “Orrr…”

“Or nothing—” He growled and rolled on top to Arbun’s giggling squeal while Melanie happily bounced out of the room.

~*~

At least learning to dance had its benefits besides something new and fun to do with Arbun. As he became more comfortable with that form of movement, he loosened up in rehearsals for the musical. There had been several things holding him back, but one was definitely a fear of humiliation.

But after dancing and not getting insulted, and doing it beside Rey who tolerated having a projection shining from her head in order to appease Ben, he realized too much of his past was hindering his present.

And what better “fuck you” to Palpatine and Snoke than to be cheered, praised, and rewarded for singing and dancing onstage!

But when opening night rolled around, Kylo finally understood why Ben had those hyperventilation fits.

The entire transport ride he spent staring at the floor, one hand in Arbun’s, the other in Ben’s, while Mom sat across from him.

“Stay afraid, but do it anyway,” she said. “That’s what I always tell Ben when he has to speak before a symposium.”

Ben smiled. “What's important is the action. You don't have to wait to be confident.”

Leia patted Kylo’s knee. “Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”

Arbun kissed his cheek. “You got this, Ky. I’ve seen you rehearse. You’re going to be so wonderful out there!”

“I hope so,” he said and tried to smile. Somehow walking right into the middle of a war was less intimidating than singing and dancing before a paying audience.

What if his voice cracked? Or he fell? Or he forgot his lines?

He tried to breathe, and he tried not to throw up. Through costuming and makeup, he just focused on those two things—breathe and don’t puke.

And when the curtain was about to open, he was sure his heart would explode from pounding so fast. For a second, he realized there really wasn’t anything keeping him from running away and never coming back.

He could do it. He really could.

But as the rest of the cast ran out onto the stage, his body somehow followed. And once the lights, music, and the expanse of excited faces hit him, he found an adrenaline rush he never expected and filled with energy and excitement.

The two hour show went by in minutes, or so it felt. And Kylo didn’t trip or falter once. It was as if something else lived through him, and he didn’t have time to be his broody self, not when so many people were counting on him to entertain them.

There was a time when he had soldiers counting on his leadership in battle. This was so much better.

The end came so fast, he thought he dreamed the entire production. But there he was, holding hands with the rest of the cast in line across the stage, his eyes finally able to fix on his family and his girl clapping and cheering him on. And as each cast member bowed to their name, his heart raced as it got closer and closer.

“Ky Solo!”

He bowed to his name and basked in the erupting cheer (his family in the lead for that one, and he swore Mom was the loudest.) As his chest heaved with breaths, his face endlessly smiling, he felt something he never knew could exist: an exalting sense of accomplishment and pride.

The curtain closed, and he wanted to just scale the walls in excitement. He hugged and congratulated the other cast members, feeling such a sense of community as they all pitched in to make something greater than themselves. This new world blew Exegol away, and he knew this was to be his path in life.

Nothing else could compare. Ruling a star system seemed like a bad joke compared to this.

After changing and cleaning up, he sprung out of the theater to meet his family outside. He spun Arbun in his arms, then leapt onto Ben for his well-deserved hug.

After all, if not for his brother sparing his life and saving him, he never would have felt this wonderful thing that just happened.

They went out to dinner, and Kylo felt like Ben for once, yapping endlessly about the musical and trying not to talk with his mouth full, but damn, he was just so excited!

“You were great up there, kid,” Han said with a wave of his whiskey cup. “I didn’t even need any of these to get through it. Unlike Ben’s snorefest assemblies.”

Ben squawked. “Ex _cuse_ me, it’s called a symposium! And when the hell did you ever come to anything I’ve ever done?”

“I watched it on TV.” He downed his cup. “And needed a few of these.”

Ben smirked. “I guess you’d have to, huh? All that intelligence just flies right over your head. It’s understandable you’d be unable to keep up.”

Han leaned over toward Chewbacca. “Did he just insult me?”

Ben held his hand out toward his father. “He just keeps making my case. I don’t even have to try.”

Leia waved them off. “No more, you two. This is Kylo’s night. Oh honey, you look so happy. You really do.”

Kylo didn’t realize he was still smiling. “I am, Mom. It was the best thing ever. I’m so glad I followed my heart on this. I want to do this forever. All the time. For the rest of my life…”

For a moment, he remembered how short that might actually be, and his smile faded.

To suddenly have so much and to know it could be taken away at any time? It wasn’t fair.

But just as the feeling arose, he let it pass and broke into a smile once more. He had today, and that was enough. He had a mother and father, a family, a home, a burgeoning career that he enjoyed so damn much, a woman he loved endlessly.

And most of all, he had Ben, who was so damn proud of him

Today, he had a life he loved, and with Ben’s cure nearly ready for testing, he would not let the fear of his condition take that away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww, imagine our sweet Ky up on stage, then bouncing around after! 
> 
> Anyone else feel bad for poor Rey on the dance floor? What she does for her Ben...
> 
> The cure module will have to be pushed off until next time. PS as much as I'd love to adhere to a weekly schedule, things are getting a bit busy (and winter doldrums do a number on my fatigue levels...) So I may not have posts always going out on Ky-day Friday, but I will do my best to stick to the schedule as best as I can! 
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


	20. Side Effects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finally receives the module for the cure and spends some time in bed. Then Kylo feels conflicted, especially about conflict.
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another blast of fiery steam toward the end!
> 
> CW for mild self harm, illness memories of Exegol, mention of blood, and talks about having children
> 
> We start with a moment from Galaxy, this time viewed through the eyes of Ky...

It was here.

Kylo eyed the small mechanism in Ben’s hands and listened while he talked. “So the device stays on your body for the entire duration of treatment and essentially cuts the incorrect DNA out of cells and stitches it back up, like surgery for cells. So far the tests have been viable with no known side effects, but we haven’t gone into full clinical trials yet—”

Kylo didn’t need him to go any further. “I’ll do it.”

Ben sighed. “Kylo, I’m just showing it to you for now, I’d rather wait until the clinical trials—”

“Then I’ll be a clinical trial.” The damn cure was finally in their hands. There was no way he was going to wait for someone else to try it out.

Ben shook his head. “No, Kylo—look, I said the tests have been viable and there are no _known_ side effects, but Kylo—you’re my brother, I can’t risk you, if anything goes wrong—”

“Ben, I’m already wrong!” And that was the truth. Even if he accepted his fusion scars, the headaches, the mental problems, the blanking out of reality, and the nightmares, he still was one false move away from a painful death. To be presented with a chance to live, a chance to make a life with Arbun, have a family, have a career, and then have to wait? No. Not happening.

“No you’re not! Not—not—damnit Kylo, I can’t let you be the first human test of this!”

Rey shrugged. “Then I’ll do it—”

“NO!” Kylo shouted. “If anyone’s going to be at risk, it will be me. End of story!” He would never put her in harm’s way, even the faintest potential of it. They may argue, fight, get snippy, or throw stuff at each other, but he would lie down and die for her without a second thought.

He loved her. Not in the same way, no. The romance had faded, replaced by Arbun who now held his heart. But he still loved Rey in whatever capacity they held each other now.

No, he was a warrior, and he would go on the front lines for his family.

Ben put his hand up to calm him. “I totally get how you feel, Kylo. This is just groundbreaking medical technology, and we don’t yet know all the factors.” He gripped Kylo’s shoulder. “I don’t want anyone to be hurt by something I made, and I especially couldn’t live with myself if I saw it happen to you.”

Kylo wanted to smile at his brother, for his kindness and endless love. But this was a battle, and he had to win it for everyone’s sake. He crossed his arms. “Are all the calculations correct?”

Ben scoffed. “Uh, yeah!”

“Is your team the best credits can pay for?”

“Considering how loudly Torbin screamed at me when she saw the company financials last month, yes.”

“If you had a deadly genetic problem, would you use this?”

“Of course! The amount of expertise and design that went into this—hey wait a minute!”

Kylo grinned. It was rare he outsmarted his brother. “Then it’s settled. Ben, I want this.”

“Kylo—”

“I know you can keep me going, keep us going.” Kylo shook his head. “But Ben, I don’t want to live with a question mark hanging over my life all the time. I hate wondering _if_ I have a future. And I don’t want to have to rely on you just to survive. Ben, please. I want this more than anything.” He glanced at Rey. “Work out the problems with me, so when it’s her turn, neither of you have to worry.” He shrugged. “I’m sure whatever happens, it can’t be worse than what I’ve already been through in my life.”

Ben let out a breath, hung his head, then clasped Kylo behind the neck with a smile. “Okay. We’ll go before the team tomorrow and if they agree, we’ll start.” He pulled his brother into a hug. “You’ll always be the biggest hero, you know that?”

Kylo smiled, always loving the idea that someone as broken and flawed as him could be a hero. And it was because of one person. He gripped his brother in a tight hug. “I leaned from the best.”

~*~

“Kylo!” Arbun thrust her hands down and then pressed her fingers to her forehead.

Of all the things he could have upset her with in their relationship, he never guessed it would be this. “What?”

“You didn’t even think to talk to me about it first?”

“Arbun, it’s the cure. What’s there to talk about?”

“It’s not even tested! Stars, Ky, what if—what if it makes you worse! What if it does something to you that can’t be fixed—you’re talking about DNA!”

“I know. And mine’s already fucked up.”

“But you should have let your brother put it through the clinical trials first. At least to see if there could be any problems.”

“Arbun…” Kylo stood and paced, needing movement to help center himself. She was upset with him, and that was shooting his anxiety through the roof. It was almost as bad as upsetting Ben. “You don’t understand what this means to me. I…finally have a life I love and at any moment it can be taken from me. I need this.”

“But your brother can keep you safe in meantime until the thing is tested and you know for sure.”

He pressed his palm against a spike of pain in his head. Damn. It was so rare to get these anymore, and he couldn’t believe he got it while with Arbun. “I trust my brother, and I trust his team. They’ve worked hard on this, and maybe there might be side effects, but I’m willing to risk it. I’m a warrior. My entire life has been about taking risks. I’m not afraid, and you shouldn’t be either.”

“Well I am!” She sat at the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around herself. “I don’t want to lose you, Ky, and I don’t want to see you hurting. What if it makes everything worse or…changes who you are?” She looked up at him. “I don’t want to look into your eyes and not see my Ky-bear in there anymore.”

Kylo knelt in front of her and took her hands. “I’ll still be here, Arbun. I promise.” He sighed. “But I can only make that promise if I get this module put in. Otherwise?” He shrugged. “It could be the beach, a Skybike ride, the park, even just shopping. One bad fluctuation and it’s all over. That fast. And side effects? Arbun, I know you saw me once get close to what my condition can do, but you only saw the absolute minimum of what I go through. Ask Rey. She’s been through it. She’s seen me go through it. It’s horrible.” He couldn’t keep the shudder out of his voice. “I can’t even describe the pain. Whatever this module might do, it can’t come close to that.”

He leaned in closer and nudged her arms with his nose. “Please don’t be mad at me anymore.” This was a perfect chance to test out Ben’s patented puppy dog eyes that seemed to win Rey every time. He kept himself low and looked up at her, begging, pleading, because damnit he really couldn’t handle her being upset with him.

Arbun’s shoulders slumped as she broke and opened her arms for him. Kylo nestled into her cleavage, his favorite spot, and basked in the returned joy of being held by her.

“I’m scared,” she said into his hair, “but I’ll support you in every way.”

He squeezed her middle and smiled. “Thank you.”

~*~

It took a few days before Kylo experienced anything resembling a side effect. It was a little harder to wake up in the morning, and when he stood, his muscles felt weak, fuzzy.

Vicrul, the medic droid of the Knights of Ben, performed all kinds of tests on him and asked him about a thousand questions, but otherwise cleared him of any medical problems. Ben recorded the effects and his medical team told him it was probably just a result of the body adjusting to being repaired.

At least the musical was over and he could just concentrate on his studies instead of having to exhibit high energy for weeks on end.

When he told Arbun he just wanted to chill in bed for the day instead of going to the beach, she showed up at his door like she needed to save him from an inferno, panting and everything as she clung to his doorway.

Kylo lifted his brow and chuckled. “Love, what’s going on?”

She pointed, heaving breaths. “I _knew_ something would go wrong!”

He smiled and shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong. They checked me all over. Just a little fatigue from my body repairing itself. _That’s all_.”

Arbun placed her hand on her chest as she tried to catch her breath. “I hate running. I mean I really hate running.”

“You ran all the way here for me?”

“Always for you.” She swallowed and took a few deep breaths. “I also took a transport, but I ran from the transport to your door.”

Kylo chuckled and opened his arms. “Come here.” She was damp but toasty warm once in his arms, and he couldn’t help but feel content. “I know the beach is my favorite place to go, but maybe it won’t be so bad here, just you and me, relaxing and being with one another.”

“I’m just so used to you bouncing off the walls.”

He smiled. “Yeah, it’s a bit odd for me, too. Maybe we can catch up on some TV. Ben says there’s a new show out with our grandfather in it called The Clone Battles. Or we could just watch any of the Galaxy Wars if you want to catch up on my family’s history.”

“I’m surprised they haven’t made one about yours and Ben’s adventure yet.”

The idea mesmerized him. “Wow, you think they’d make one?”

“Maybe. You know who should play you and Ben? That Atom Dor-vair. He’s pretty good, and he’s built like you two.”

Kylo shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I should play us since I want to be an actor and all.”

“YES! You would look so hot on a big screen.” She stroked his lips with her finger, and he gave it a kiss.

He leaned in, a soft smile playing at his lips. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeahhh.” She met him with a kiss of soft delight. So what if they didn’t go anywhere? Sometimes the best moments were had when it was just the two of them cut off from the rest of the galaxy.

Arbun nestled back into his shoulder and brushed his black tendrils of hair from his forehead. “You’re going to be so huge one day, Ky. The galaxy is going to love you.”

That was an odd feeling after being hated for so long. But he liked it. To think that the Supreme Leader, the Monster of Exegol, could be beloved by all, it gave him a shiver of excitement. “I just hope this module really works. I want to see that future.”

She made little circles with her finger on his chest. “What else do you want to see in your future?”

That answer was easy. “You.”

Arbun giggled and kissed his chest. “I was hoping you’d say that. But what else? What does a future look like for you?”

Kylo narrowed his eyes in thought. “Honestly, I never spent much time thinking about it. It seemed so impossible. I just kept living for the day and keeping my head out of the future. It didn’t make sense to make plans or even dream. Now?” He breathed as he tried to imagine. “Maybe I…go out across the galaxy making movies. And you’re there with me.”

“Am I?” She smiled.

“Of course! I don’t want anyone but you.”

After another sweet kiss, she nestled back into the crook of his arm. “I feel the same way, Ky. Though it might be hard to chase you around the galaxy while running the school, or _schools_.”

Kylo nodded. “We’ll figure it out somehow. I’m sure actors do it all the time.”

Another span of silence, more circles on his chest. “You ever think about starting a family? Having kids?”

He heaved a breath through puffed cheeks. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about kids. I don’t know how to be a father.”

“I don’t think anyone knows how to be a parent. You just learn and try and screw up and learn and try again. Also good to have help from parents that have a clue.”

“My mom would be _wonderful._ She’d show us everything.”

Arbun giggled. “Us?”

“Well, who else but you and me?”

“Awww.” She nibbled on his skin through his shirt.

As sweet as the idea sounded, reality wasn’t always a fan of what he wanted. “I don’t know if it’s such a good idea, though.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how bad my genes are. I couldn’t imagine…I’d never want a child of mine to go through…” He couldn’t even finish, imagining someone he loved so dearly suffering like he did with this damn condition.

“Well, isn’t that the point of the module? To fix all that.”

“Yeah…so I guess as long as it works, maybe it would be okay. No…that’s not true.”

“Why?”

He swallowed and grew cold as his mind drifted into his past. “As much as I’ve been working on myself, the truth is my past is…sometimes too much to grow away from. The things they said to me…things they _did_ to me…how would I ever know how to raise a child?”

“That’s why we learn.”

“But what if I get frustrated? Angry? Lose my patience when you know I have so little of it. Explode…fuck, almost all my walls in here have been replaced with V-8-R panels because of losing my fucking mind and destroying everything in sight—no, I can’t bring an innocent child into that. I’m no good for that, Arbun. I’m no good—”

“Shhhhh…” She stroked his hair, instantly soothing him. “It’s okay, Ky. If the time comes, we’ll figure it out then.”

He was almost afraid to ask the next question. “Do you want children?”

She smiled. “Yeah, someday. I want to give someone a childhood I didn’t get to have, something I can do here on Chandrila that I could never have done if I’d stayed in the slums of Coruscant. I want to do beaches and boardwalks, family meals and playtime, never having to fight for or steal food or be a part of crime rings just to survive. I don’t want my kids to even know what that is like. I want them to believe the galaxy is a good and right place that occasionally has some bad shit, rather than a bad, shitty place that you occasionally find good things in.”

Kylo nodded. He understood that sentiment well.

Melanie popped in with a tray of food. “Lunch time, Kylo!”

Arbun sprung up and snatched the tray from Melanie, who stood there a few moments bearing the same smile while she tried to decipher whether her task was completed. Registering it so, she turned and bounced away. 

Kylo always wondered if Arbun had a touch of jealousy toward the most human-like member of the Knights of Ben. But he wasn’t about to broach that topic, not when Arbun was already setting everything up for him. She fluffed his pillows and coaxed him to sit up. Just as he reached for the bowl of soup, she made a biting motion at him.

“No sir! You are to rest while in my presence!” Kylo rolled his eyes and tried to use the Force to get his food, but she snatched the spoon mid-air. “No Force! Rest. Nice, quiet, peaceful rest so your body can heal. _I_ will take care of you.”

She sat next to him on the bed and brought the spoon to his mouth. For a moment he almost felt ridiculous, but then he realized it wasn’t about his competence or ability to use a spoon. She was doing this because she loved him, because she felt good taking care of him.

Something that Mom usually did, but he found he liked it just as much when Arbun did it.

To be loved and cared for was still a gift he could never get enough of.

There were so many times in his past where he was just left to fester in misery. He had to hide being ill as much as he could, because once the guards or anyone else sensed weakness, they attacked with abandon, knowing he couldn’t defend himself as well as before. That was why when he got that horrific hangover headache on the Falcon, and Ben tried to reach out for him, Kylo snapped back. Pain could always be made worse and often was, and the most self-protective thing he could do was pretend he was in full health even when racked with fever and desperate to cough.

How many nights did he lay on the cold floor with that putrid draft burning his nose while coughing so hard he spit blood? How many days were spent with his throat so sore he couldn’t swallow water, and only sheer rage and fear over his situation allowed the Force to help him fight off his illness? How many times did he lay shivering, his fever so high he kept hallucinating droids coming in to help him, only to have them disappear before his eyes?

Compare that to the first time the family fell ill from a passing cold. Kylo had just kept curled up in bed, watching TV, staying quiet while the house droids brought him healthy teas and drinks Mom swore by. And even though she felt miserable herself, she still came in and checked on him, brushed a hand over his fevered head, rubbed an ointment on his chest to open his nasal passages, and made sure he got all the right medicine doses.

All he had to do was lay there and rest. It was a weird moment of being both miserable and happy at the same time. She sat with him and stroked his forehead while he fell asleep, even while she sniffled and coughed.

To give the gift of yourself even in your worst of moments was a miraculous concept, and when he felt better, he came home with a dozen new and exotic plants for her garden to thank her for a simple act of kindness he had never known until then.

Ben on the other hand…

“MOMMYYYYY! I need ointment!”

“MOMMYYYYY! My nose is still runny!”

“MOMMYYYYY! I sneezed again!”

“MOMMYYYYY! My foot’s itchy and I’m too weak to scratch it!”

That was the first time Kylo ever heard his mother say, “Oh for fuck’s sake” as she passed by his bedroom en route to his whiny brother. And apparently Rey, for all the wonders she brought into Ben’s life, wasn’t good enough when illness came around, as he assured Leia, “It feels better when _you_ do it.”

Having been under the care of their mother, Kylo admitted he could understand that sentiment.

This time it was Arbun, and even though he felt weak and tired, he could still smile the entire time.

~*~

Kylo was physically out of sorts, but that didn’t stop them from creating their own oasis of fun right at home.

He and Arbun walked around Leia’s gardens, snagging berries and letting _canaba_ butterflies ride on their fingers. On warmer days they sat poolside or went for a splash. Kylo wasn’t up to getting tossed ten feet in the air by Chewbacca, but he enjoyed seeing Arbun enjoy it, and Ben not enjoy it at all, nor ask for it.

Nights were perfect for stargazing, and sometimes they even sat around the fire pit toasting melty-puffs. He wanted to light the fire himself, but was admonished not to use his powers during treatment.

At least he could eat all he wanted, and oh did he have an appetite! Breakfast buffets and multiple sandwich lunches, massive dinners with three desserts and all the prescribed health drinks he wanted to guzzle.

This module wasn’t so bad after all.

And when communal fun was done for the day, he still had his room and Arbun. She stayed as often as she could except on nights when she taught later classes. It was almost like having a life with her, as if they were already married.

Ah, if only…

Until then, he had the next best thing.

And on tonight’s menu in their personal oasis, they were watching a raunchy comedy while soaking in his steamy bathtub. The open window blew cool air across his sweaty forehead, and his body just melted into the water. Arbun’s soft skin on his was a new and slippery sensation, and with all the dicks and boobs slinging around in the movie, he found himself more interested in her than anything else.

Arbun burst out laughing, and he missed it yet again. Picking up on his silence and blinking stare, she called out, “Pause!” to the media system controls. “Okay, so when he said the prick is armed and dangerous, the joke centers on the fact that they’re treating the penis like some kind of rogue criminal out on his own. Now imagine your doodle running around with a gun terrorizing a city.”

He was so glad when she explained these things. “Oh!” And after she rewinded, he got to laugh at the joke along with her.

Damn, she had so much patience for him, and he honestly didn’t know how he would have learned as much as he did without her. He wished he could truly tell her how much it meant to him, how much he grew because he was with her, and how much of a normal, human life she had shown him when just a short time ago, he was anything but.

Maybe he couldn’t yet explain it, but he could show it. Steam rising from his hand, he lifted it to her face and pressed soft, hot kisses along her cheek.

She chuckled and bore her neck to him. “All these naked bodies having an effect on you, sweet man?”

“No.” He licked a stripe up her neck. “Just you.”

Arbun turned to him with a smile and a kiss. “You are just insatiable, aren’t you?”

“I can’t help it. I love you so much.” He drew a dripping hand along her chin. “You’re all I think about at night, in the morning when I wake up, during the day. I owe so much of who I am right now to you. And you, you just give and give to me, without ever asking for anything.”

“Oh, you already give me plenty.”

“Like what?”

She grabbed his floating appendage and gave it a long, loving squeeze. “Like this.”

A grin curled at his lips. “But I get something out of that, too.”

“Good. Mutual gifts are even better.”

He agreed with that and pressed his dewy lips against hers. She was so easy to access here in the tub, and it didn’t take much to slide his fingers in deep and stroke her with his thumb.

Honestly, he wasn’t sure he could endure much more. Much as he wouldn’t mind shooting off a round, he hated to admit he really didn’t have the strength for sex, especially the kind they had, with lightning and fire.

He pressed his forehead against hers. “Fuck, I don’t know if I should be doing this. I don’t know if I have the energy.”

She continued stroking him, so he did the same back. “Hmmm…you think you have the energy to come?”

He groaned and throbbed in her hand. “I _want_ to, I just don’t know if I can get us there. I can probably still lick you though, as long as I can keep my head up long enough.”

“Well it’s no fun reaching the finish line without you.”

He grinned softly and sunk back on his bath pillow. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” Arbun shifted and straddled his hips.

He sat up, curious where she was going with this when she grabbed his hardness and lined it up with her entrance. “Arbun, what are—ffffff…” He ended with a groan as she slipped over him. The water made it a little tougher to slide in so easily, but she worked herself onto him in no time. He must have really got her going.

“How’s this?” She rolled her hips over him, sliding him in and out. “You don’t even have to move if you don’t want to.”

Kylo tried to speak but only nodded. Damn, she felt so good. Sweat dripped down his forehead, the open window doing nothing to cool him now. That’s about when his comm flashed. Ben.

Kylo kept the video off. “Yeah?”

“Hey buddy, I just got warned from your stats monitoring that your temperature is rising pretty high. You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just—um—taking a hot bath.” Arbun grinned and moved faster on him, making him drop his head back. “Ohhh ffffuck…yeah.”

Silence, then from his comm: “Kylo?”

Arbun squeezed her internals and made Kylo whimper. “Yeah Ben?” he asked in a voice much higher than intended.

A chuckle on the other end. “Okay, look, buddy, I get it. But maybe move to the bed now so your temperature doesn’t get too high. We don’t want to have to register fever as a side effect.”

Kylo nodded, even if his brother couldn’t see him. “Okay.” The call dropped out and Kylo looked up at Arbun. “Ben says I’m too hot.”

“Well he’s right, but I guess you have to get out of the tub.” She leaned down for a kiss. “Yeah, you are pretty toasty. Come on, Ky-bear.” She slid off of him and he already missed her. “Let’s get you dried off.”

He stood but nearly tipped over from an unexpected dizzy spell. Arbun grabbed him just as he was swiping for something to hold on to.

“Ky? What’s wrong?”

“Little dizzy. Can’t stand right.”

“Crap, here, sit. You’re definitely overheated, not sure how that’s meshing with your DNA module.”

Arbun supported him while he sat at the edge of the tub. The cold air from the window made vapor puff from his skin and felt so refreshing.

After running a quick towel over herself, Arbun took meticulous care in drying him. He could only smile as he watched her, still wondering after all this time what he did to deserve such a wonderful woman. Especially when she moved to his feet and took a few moments to massage them. Who knew levels of heaven could be reached by having such loving care shown to one’s feet, of all things?

To him they were ugly and wretched, not shapely and soft like hers. And still she loved them like they were precious.

Maybe he should stop looking at them so badly, after all the hard work they did for him every day. He couldn’t believe how Arbun’s love was not only transforming his mind and heart but also the view of his body. She had loved all the worst parts of him as if they were the best, prompting him to learn to appreciate them.

Damn she was so perfect.

Arbun gripped him and helped him to his feet, then over to the bed. He wasn’t as dizzy but appreciated the support. Better than being dragged and dumped in a corner like in Exegol. This care she gave him, he had no words for how transformative it was considering what he came from. But he felt it so deeply in his heart.

“These are the times I wish _I_ had the Force,” she said right before she got him situated on the bed. “Well, I wish that all the time, but I love how you and Ben and Rey just float everyone around when you need to.”

“I could have floated myself.”

She poked him in the belly. “ _No_ Force right now, remember?” She climbed in next to him, and her hot skin was a sensual delight against his rapidly cooling body.

“You’re so good to me. I wish I could be as good to you as you are to me.”

She worked her kisses up to his lips. “You are. All the time.”

He couldn’t imagine it compared. “Lay down. I want to make you feel good.”

“Oh no you don’t. Your job is to stay there, relax, and let me do all the work for you.”

He drew a finger down her cheek. “I should at least warm you back up.” He gave her lips a flicking lick to let her know what she was missing.

Arbun growled. “You beast!”

Kylo giggled and tried to work his way down her body.

“No!” Arbun flattened him once again. “You stay put!”

With a growl, he said, “That pussy of yours will be devoured before the night is over.”

Arbun sighed, then stuck up a finger. She clambered up, tossing his pillows around until said feminine space was hovering above his lips. “Okay, you have until I can’t hold this position anymore.”

Kylo’s eye twitched, and he smiled incredulously. “What the hell are we doing?”

Arbun gathered her fingers behind his head and gently shoved it until his mouth hit the right spot. He no longer needed an explanation, and she was kind enough to stick a pillow under him.

Well, he hadn’t expected this, but he was always up for something new! While he warmed her back up, he stroked her skin with one hand, himself with the other. And when he had her wet, slippery, and moaning for him, she climbed back down and set herself over his very insistent manhood once more. He slipped in so deep he had to give her hips a good squeeze in the pure carnal pleasure of it.

Arbun rode him good and hard, though he felt a bit selfish she was having to do all the work. But well, shit, it felt so damn good, and with his body feeling off, this was about the only way it was going to happen. Not to mention he loved the view. Her breasts bounced with her rhythm, so round and full he just wanted to chomp on them.

Wanted to chomp on a lot of things. Yep, here came the Darkness, sneaking in, and weak or not, he was ready to flip her over and pound into her, dominate and possess, show her his power—

“No Dark stuff!” she said, booping him on the nose.

“How did—”

“Your eyes, silly. No powers, remember? You have to sit back, rest, and be passively fucked.”

Kylo groaned. “It’s not my fault it’s coming up! You know it follows the passion.”

“Well, this will be an even better practice in control for you, keeping the Darkness at bay. Just good old fashioned, vanilla sex, no lightning or glowy stuff.”

Kylo growled and snapped his teeth at her, playfully and…somewhat less so.

“Behave, beastie.” She pressed her hand to his chest to settle him back down. “Focus on the pleasure, just the physical pleasure. Don’t eye my vital energy anything or pulse points or all that yummy stuff that feeds the Dark.”

Kylo gave her a whiny grunt. “Not that easy, you know.”

“Exactly why you should practice it. You’ve mastered control of your Dark powers while having sex, now master keeping them at bay. We have your entire module healing to practice and get it right.”

Now he was up to full whining. “What good is it to learn that?”

“You never know when it will come in handy. Now, focus on me, focus on the sex, the pleasure, but when the Darkness comes up, disengage from it. Don’t let it get what it wants. Let it crawl back in its hole and go to sleep.”

He was glad she provided the visual because this was going to be hard. He had gotten so used to playing with his powers during sex that to _not_ do it seemed unnatural.

So he tried to focus on her and brought his thumb to her waiting bud. Watching her eyes close, the hazy smile that spread across her lips, enticed by her sweet sounds, the Darkness shot right back into his veins just when it had started to calm down.

_Just focus on her. Focus on this. Just our bodies. Just us._

But if he watched her body move and writhe, then it rose again. If he closed his eyes, the intensity of the sensation made it rise. The Darkness loved all that shit—the visuals, the heat, the sounds, the feel, the scent.

Hm, what did the Darkness not care so much for?

Well, he knew it only really rose with her when they were having sex or he felt the need to protect her. Otherwise their love and relationship was soft, light, full of adoration and simple joys, laughter and play, new experiences and shared favorites.

And as he watched her riding him in a sexy, feral manner, he tried to focus on them, their love, yes, of which pleasure was a part, but only one part. They were so much more.

As he smiled up at her, loving her for everything that she was, for everything she did for him and continued to do, he felt the Darkness abate in a cool release. He took in a slow breath and let it out while allowing himself to bask in the wholeness of it.

They were just two people in love, making love, like any other normal human beings.

And as he brought her to her completion and neared his own, the thought occurred to him that this was his first time having sex with her as just a plain, normal human. That simple wonder carried him through the exalted, immeasurable dance through heaven as he crested along with her.

No lightning. No fire. Just two humans engaging in something beautiful together.

Kylo’s orgasm wasn’t as intense as when he let the Darkness fly out at will, but an orgasm was still an orgasm and therefore fucking wonderful.

And as she lay on his body, her softness a blanket against demons that saw little action with him lately, he thought for just a moment that if he had no powers, if he had to be relegated to just being a plain ordinary human, he would still be okay. As long as he had Arbun, he’d be happy.

The heat, the sex, and just his general fatigue brought sleep on before she fully settled in next to him.

~*~

Kylo opened his eyes to darkness. He made a quick search of the room and didn’t see Melanie’s luminous eyes or LEDs.

_Where the fuck am I?_

He tried to sit up but felt so weak, not to mention something was holding him down. Oh fuck, was he in binders? Did they lock him to the wall? Where even the fuck was he?!

He cried out in sheer panic and felt the pressure on him move.

“Ky? You okay?”

His eyes flicked in every direction, still trying to ascertain his surroundings. “Where is this?”

“Night light!”

A soft, orange light filled the room, and Kylo immediately realized it wasn’t Exegol. He turned and saw Arbun still in his arms. Finally able to breathe again, he tipped his head back onto the pillow.

“Sweet man, did you have a nightmare or something?”

Kylo shook his head. “Just didn’t know where I was. Where’s Melanie?”

“It’s still early, I guess she didn’t come.”

“I need my comm.”

She lifted to let him pry his arm out from beneath her and wiped the cold sweat off his forehead while he signaled for his special droid. “Ky, what—”

“I fell asleep too quick. I should just have her automatically come into my room at a certain time every night.”

Arbun sighed. “And what if we’re busy? Having just you and me time?”

He shook his head, the trembling from the sudden panic still racing in waves down his body. “Doesn’t matter. She has to be here.”

Arbun sat up and leaned back against the headboard. “Ky…I know she does stuff for you, helps with the nightmares, but…I don’t know…don’t you think you’ve grown beyond her by now?”

He looked at her, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Ky, I’m here. I can be your emotional support.”

He shook his head. “You can’t do what she does.”

“Well…why can’t your comm keep an eye on your stats, or however she detects you’re having a nightmare. Why can’t any other droid do it besides her?”

Kylo frowned, the question sounding almost ridiculous. “Her artificial intelligence is far beyond any droid out there. The sophisticated design and programming—you can’t just stick that in another droid.” He narrowed his eyes. “Do you not like Melanie?”

Arbun tipped her head back and didn’t answer right away, which made him anxious. “It’s not personal, I don’t dislike _her_. I just…”

Now his stomach ground with anxiety.

“It’s what she represents. I know what you used her for, prior to being with me—”

“And I’ve never touched her in that way since. I promise you that.”

“I know, but it’s…kind of like having your ex-girlfriend share a room with us and smile at us all night. It’s just rubbing me the wrong way, especially the more time I spend here with you.”

“But Arbun, I _need_ her.”

“But that’s it too. Do you really need her anymore?”

Kylo tried to sit up. “Of _course!_ I almost flipped out a few minutes ago.”

“But that wasn’t even a nightmare. You just got disoriented.”

“Because she wasn’t here to remind me of where I was!”

“But _I_ did, remember? I turned the light on and talked to you. And we can even leave a nightlight on if need be. Ky…I’ve been staying with you a lot, and I know you keep saying you need her for all these things, but except for now, I haven’t seen you need her for anything. And this was easily solved with a light.”

Kylo sighed. “Arbun, I _have_ needed Melanie. Just because my nightmares haven’t happened when you’ve stayed, doesn’t mean they haven’t happened.”

She seemed surprised and stroked his shoulder with her finger. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged. “I’m used to it by now, so’s my family. Didn’t seem worth telling…” He licked his lips.

“And? Come on, I can tell you’re not finished. What else?”

He sighed again. “I just…hate having you know how messed up I still am.”

“Ky, you’re not messed up.” She paused. “How often does it happen?”

“I don’t know, nowadays? Maybe once a month, twice if that. Not as bad as when I first came here. And honestly nothing since I had this module put in.”

“And never when I’m here. And I’m here a lot.” She nestled down back into his arms. “Maybe you’re looking at it all wrong. Maybe you just need me by your side to keep the bad stuff away. Maybe you don’t need Melanie here all the time after all.”

She had a point. He never wound up in one of his “disconnected from reality” nightmares when Arbun was around, and lately she stayed over three to four times a week. Still…

Kylo sighed. “It’s just safer this way.”

Arbun said nothing more, but when Melanie bounced into the room with her perpetually happy self, he could feel his girlfriend’s discomfort.

It had taken him a long time to learn these subtle cues, facial expressions, bodily expressions, and now that he was understanding them, he almost wished he didn’t.

Arbun was so good to him, asking nothing of him, until now. And it was the one thing he couldn’t grant her, for everyone’s safety.

She eventually fell back to sleep, but he had a much harder time joining her.

~*~

Once three weeks passed, Kylo felt his strength returning. He still had to be judicious about how much energy he spent working out and was still admonished not to use the Force unless necessary. But getting back on his feet, going out with Arbun again, and swinging his lightsaber, damn, he didn’t realize how much he missed the little things until he was laid up in bed.

Though he accomplished plenty in his bed too, like keeping the Darkness at bay while Arbun fucked him over and over. And schoolwork. That was important.

But getting outside, walking with a spring in his step once more, hitting the park and boardwalk, even physically going to school, they were all joys he was so glad to get back to.

Medical tests were all looking promising so far. Ben was a perpetual ball of excited energy. Honestly, Kylo really didn’t understand half of what they discussed when he went to SOLO-Corp for his tests, but at one point Ben howled and leapt into the air while the top genetic scientists in the galaxy stared at Kylo’s results with mouths agape.

That sounded good.

Everything was actually going pretty well. All except the growing tension between Arbun and Melanie.

It came to a head one night, when Melanie actually did barge in on them during sex because it was her pre-programmed time to come in.

“Fuck!” Arbun cried and almost fell off Kylo right in the middle of a ride.

“Hello Kylo,” Melanie said. “Hello Arbun, isn’t it a lovely evening? Temperatures will stay cool but mild, lows in the fifties overnight—”

“WHO CARES?!”

Kylo jumped, never having seen Arbun angry at anyone in his house before.

Melanie just tipped her head and smiled. “You seem tense, Arbun. Would you like me to relieve your tension?”

Arbun pointed at the door. “OUT!”

Melanie clasped her hands together and smiled, her eyes luminous blue crescents. “My apologies. During observation hours, I can only accept commands from Kylo or Dr. Solo.”

Arbun glared at Kylo to do something, and in that moment he learned he did not like that look being directed at him. His heart raced, and he didn’t feel very well. Especially while he was still inside her. “Ummm…Melanie, why don’t you wait out on the patio until I start falling asleep.”

“If you wish, Kylo, but I must remind you I can only sense your stats from within a certain boundary, and the patio is beyond that boundary.”

Arbun crossed her arms, and Kylo knew he had to do something before she jumped off him unfinished. “I promise I’ll call you in if I start getting sleepy.”

“As you command!” Melanie’s pink hair swung from side to side as she sauntered onto the patio.

When the doors closed, Arbun sighed. “Ky, we were right in the middle of it. We can’t do this, have her come in whenever.”

Kylo swallowed. “Just lost track of time. As long as we’re done before—”

“Ky, that’s not what I want. That’s not how I want to do things. I want us to feel…free to just enjoy, take however long we want.”

He didn’t know what to do. Or what to say. So he went with the first thought he could grasp onto. “You know I could be making you come right now, right?”

That glare was back. Shit.

But then Arbun sighed and went back to riding him. “You better make it good.”

Judging by how loud she cried out, he supposed he did well enough. Sated and sleepy, he called Melanie back in and drifted off.

Only to be awakened some time later by movement on the bed. The lights were dim, and Arbun wasn’t in his arms. He sat up quickly and found her sitting at the edge of the bed—getting dressed. “Arbun?”

She sighed. “Hey Ky.”

“Why are you getting dressed now? Are you cold? I can turn up the temperature.”

“No, I’m just…I need to clear my head for the night.”

“I don’t know what that means.” But it scared him.

Arbun sighed again. “I’m feeling bothered about what happened tonight, and I can’t resolve it. So I’m just going to go home and try to work it out while I’m not so close to the problem.”

She was leaving. And it wasn’t the good kind where she went to work and promised to see him later. She was leaving because she was unhappy with him. His entire body seized with a panic he hadn’t felt in a long time. “Please don’t go.”

“Ky, just…let me figure this out on my own, okay?”

No. Not okay. It would never be okay. Her tone, her anger earlier in the evening, now she was leaving, who knew if she’d ever return. Didn’t she understand? He relied on her to be his soft place. And his soft place was upset with him.

It was just as bad as disappointing Ben.

What was he supposed to do? If he kept Melanie around, Arbun would always be upset with him. But Melanie protected his family from…him.

It all boiled down to his failures, yet again. If he wasn’t such a broken fuckup, he wouldn’t need Melanie and Arbun wouldn’t be mad at him.

Fuck, he couldn’t take this!

As she slipped her shoe on, it felt so final, and he just could not breathe. He needed her. Didn’t she understand that he _needed_ her? But most of all he needed her to be okay with him, because she was the only one outside his family who was, and if she took that away, then he’d be back to being a broken mess again.

Again. Ha! He never stopped being one. It was just hidden beneath her blind kindness toward him.

Filled with self-loathing and trying to suck a breath into lungs that wouldn’t open, his mind slipped right back into old habits. He gripped his bicep and dug his nails in deep, which was necessary to drag up the pain that he needed to center/punish himself.

Melanie suddenly lit up, eyes and LED’s brightening the room. “Kylo, you are upset and need assistance. Shall I contact Ben? Default to yes if no response in ten seconds.”

Through the tears that rushed down his cheeks as he struggled to breathe properly, he saw Arbun spin toward him. “Ky?”

But he couldn’t look at her because she was upset with him. He needed help. He needed Ben.

Arbun gasped. “Ky! What are you doing?” She gripped his hand, but he wasn’t done hurting himself yet.

“I have to do this!” he said through his teeth as his lungs finally kicked into gear, shoving him into gasping sobs.

Her demeanor shifted instantly, and she climbed back onto the bed, kneeling before him. “Ky, no-no-no, please don’t do that.” She pressed her body against him while gently but firmly pulling his hand from his arm. “I’m sorry,” she whispered as she pulled his head against her chest. “I’m sorry, sweet man. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please stop.”

“Please let me fix it!” he cried as he thrust his arms around her, afraid if he let go, she’d disappear. “I don’t know how to fix it, but I will. Please please please don’t go!”

The doors opened, and Ben ran in, only taking a split second to reach Kylo’s side. “Buddy, buddy, what’s going on?” He reached out and rubbed Kylo’s back. It was only then that Melanie’s bright lights toned back down to normal.

Kylo didn’t know how to explain and didn’t want to. He didn’t want Ben upset with Arbun. He was Melanie’s builder after all, and set up her miraculous AI that allowed her to sense that Kylo was in emotional distress.

It was Arbun who answered while holding him to her chest, stroking his hair. “It’s…my fault, really. Melanie walked in on us while we were…predisposed. I’ve been in a mood since and was going to go home to clear my head. Ky got really upset and started grabbing his arm—”

“NO!” Kylo actually hid his face in her cleavage. Fuck! Not only was she upset with him, but now Ben would find out he was hurting himself again after all this time and be so disappointed.

“Buddy…” Ben leaned in closer, trying to coax Kylo out of his hiding place. “…you’ve been working so hard at that, what’s going on? Come on, talk to me.”

“No!”

“Kylo?”

Oh no. Not the commanding voice. Ben meant business and Kylo could not take any of it, any of his safe harbors feeling upset with him. He let out a cry of anguish and tried to bury himself deeper into Arbun, but there was only so much of her to hide in. Maybe he should just bury himself in the blankets and pillows, but then Ben might catch him trying to escape from Arbun, and—

“Okay, okay,” Ben whispered. “Kylo, it’s okay. No one’s upset with you. We’re just trying to help.”

“We’re here for you, Ky,” Arbun said. “Okay? I promise, I’m not upset anymore. I don’t even care about what happened, I’m just so worried about you and want you to be okay.”

The panic softened, and he felt like he could breathe again. Now he was just too embarrassed to show his face after all this. She’d been there for all of his sudden flashbacks, temper flares, and moments of overwhelm, but she’d never seen him like this. His raw truth, of what it was to walk through the tangled, thorny thicket of his jumbled emotions.

So he just stayed there, face stuffed in her cleavage, the space in between providing a channel of fresh air. He released the tight hold and just let himself breathe through it. Yes, he remembered doing that. Those were the new habits he was supposed to use, not the old ones. Just breathe. Find his center and breathe.

The hefty aftershocks of panic subsided. Eventually, even the embarrassment resigned itself. Arbun held him in her perpetual softness. She was still there, still with him. Ben kept him braced in on the other side, his big hand another source of comfort and strength rubbing soothing circles into his back.

Okay, he slipped. He wasn’t happy about it, but it happened. He could work through it. He could do this.

Kylo finally pulled his face out of hiding, but wasn’t yet ready to look at anyone. The cool air was a soothing caress on his sweaty face, and his space was protected on all sides by his loved ones.

_Back to center, Kylo, come on. Pull yourself together._

He let out a hefty breath and shoved his hand through his damp locks. Arbun sat next to him, giving him some space, and Ben did the same on the other side.

With his face much cooler and reality back in its normal pace, he finally felt like he could speak. “I’m sorry.”

“No…” Arbun brushed the wet tendrils of his hair out of his face. “I’m sorry. Whatever I was feeling, it’s not worth this.”

“Everyone’s entitled to their feelings.” It felt robotic coming out of his mouth, and he twisted the blanket in his fingers.

“You’re right, but I shouldn’t have tried to leave.” She threaded his hair behind his ear. “I was too busy ruminating over the situation, I didn’t think about how much that sort of thing hurts you. I’m sorry, Ky-bear.”

He sucked in a shuddering breath and tried to smile. At least he was still her Ky-bear.

“None of this was worth the cost to you. I’ll let it go, I promise.”

He didn’t want her to stuff her feelings down. He just didn’t want her to leave because of it. The main problem still wasn’t solved, but at least she was still there.

Ben brushed a hand over his head. “You okay now, buddy?”

Kylo nodded. “Yeah.”

“You want me to make an emergency appointment with Dr. Lo?”

Kylo shook his head. “I have an appointment in the afternoon. I’ll just talk about it then.”

“Okay.” Ben stood and kissed him on the head. “If you need me back, just call me, okay?”

Kylo forced another smile. “Thanks, Ben. Sorry Melanie had to wake you.”

“You’re worth being woken for, okay buddy? Alright, goodnight.”

Once he was gone, Kylo and Arbun settled back into the bed. This time, she held him in her arms, stroking his hair. “I’m so sorry, Ky. I didn’t mean to upset you like that.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“This whole thing…I won’t bring it up ever again. It was stupid in comparison.” She sighed. “Between your reaction and how Melanie responded, I guess I understand why she’s needed. She…sprung into action before I knew anything was wrong.”

“I just want you to be happy with me. You’re so special to me. I…don’t know how to breathe without you.”

“Yeah, I could tell.” She giggled, and he actually joined her. With a soft breath, she planted kisses along his hairline. “My hangups are my own and I’ll deal with them. You just continue to be your cute, sweet self.”

He nestled deeper into her embrace but could not allay his worry. The problem wasn’t solved, she was just going to hide her feelings on it.

And that wasn’t fair to her.

What the hell was he going to do?

Kylo brought up the situation to Dr. Lo, but kept key parts about Melanie’s role to himself. He mentioned Melanie barging in during sex and said that was why Arbun was upset, but he didn’t go into details about it being an ongoing conversation. He knew Dr. Lo would side with Ben, citing safety reasons why Melanie had to stay.

And she was right. They were all right.

But now his Arbun, the woman he loved so much, was hiding her perpetual hurt and upset just to keep him from having another meltdown. It wasn’t fair to her.

And so he kept it to himself, because he honestly hadn’t yet decided what he would do.

Dr. Lo explained that conflict was a normal part of any relationship and could be healthy if approached with open communication and compassion. He supposed it was true. Mom and Dad did nothing but snipe at one another yet slept together each night. Kylo and Rey were always barking at one another, but then they went on with their lives. Sometimes even Ben and Rey had a disagreement, and Ben would wind up on Mom’s lap in a panic.

Hm, maybe that’s where Kylo got it from. Ben said he could never tolerate Mom being mad at him, Kylo had seen the results for himself.

This shared anxiety was something probably only his clone understood, having a soft place and going into sheer panic if that place was ever cut off by conflict or anger.

But Dr. Lo was right. It wasn’t fair to put Arbun in that position where she had to ignore her feelings to keep him from going into a panic. He’d do better. For her, he absolutely would.

Somehow he had to make this right.

~*~

Kylo sat in the auditorium of SOLO-Corp, staring up at the huge projections. Ben was absolutely giddy as he pointed with a laser.

“So as you can see, from multiple tests taken over the period of a week from different parts of Kylo’s body—”

Kylo fought a smirk, thinking of the semen sample he had to provide. Then frowned remembering they had to disable his Fert-stop device to get it, which left him unable to have safe sex for a few days once all the tests were over.

“—the faulty DNA portion here, has been completely replaced here. Result after result after result. Of course, we’ll have to perform the final test at home in a controlled environment, as it requires Kylo to use his Force ability to its max, but for the common sentient across the galaxy, the module will be all they need. I know we’ve only started the clinical trials, but the promise that this brings…”

Kylo smiled as Ben went on. He didn’t understand what all those markers and numbers were up on those projections, and he knew he’d have to undergo testing every week, then once a month, then every year, to determine the long-term effects of the module. But for now?

For all intents and purposes, he was cured.

He had a future.

He could walk down the street and not fear a sudden, painful death. He could engage in a battle and not have it kill him in the most indirect way possible. He could use his powers all he wanted, fuck Arbun into high heaven while shooting off red lightning, and know it wouldn’t be his last time.

He could graduate school, do more musicals and plays, star in movies and TV shows, have an actual career. He could marry Arbun and have kids who wouldn’t face an early death from his mutated DNA.

Well, the idea of kids still scared him, but that he _could_ have them, and they’d be healthy and free of the hell he’d lived with his entire life, it was such a weight off his heart.

He would live.

Live.

Have a life that was his, with a future he could look forward to. All nothing but dreams and wishful thinking before.

Kylo Organa Solo was free!

And he had to celebrate.

~*~

Kylo paced around Arbun, his cloak clasped over his bare chest, billowing behind him with every step of his distinctive gait. Holding her suspended in the air without keeping a hand up was tricky, but that was the point of all this, to take his power to the limits.

And survive.

He stopped behind her and leaned in toward her ear, letting the fabric of his cape drape forward to wrap around her shoulders. “I’ll ask you again. Are you going to bare yourself before your Dark Lord, or do I have to do it for you?”

Arbun thrust her chin up, defiant. “I will never succumb to your dark power, or your sexy, bare chest!”

Kylo tried not to chuckle and ruin the game, but acting school trained him well and he remained fully in character. He circled her once again, then stopped before her with a light smirk and one narrowed eye. “We’ll see.”

Kylo raised his hands and trailed his power over her body while peeling off each article of clothing. She writhed with every pass, and he made sure to give extra attention to her most sensitive spots.

Toying with a new line of power he discovered, he directed a curl of wind to make his cloak whip and swirl behind him. With his finger he trailed a line from her lips, down over her throat, and further on. “Are you afraid of your Dark Lord?”

She bared her teeth. “I’ll NEVER be afraid of you!”

Shit, she sounded pretty convincing. He lowered his voice. “You still okay?”

“Yeah, of course. I told you I’d use the safe word if I wasn’t.”

“I know, but you sounded—”

“Come on, I don’t want to break character.”

“Okay, okay.” With a breath, he snapped back into his own. He gave her his most intense, dark stare that was once used to paralyze Storm Troopers back when he was Supreme Leader. “I’ll give you something to be afraid of.”

He stepped back and drew up another gust of wind to whip his cape into a frenzy. Breathing into the draw of power, he concentrated his energy into a sharp spark waiting to burst into life and thrust his hands out. Torches anchored to the ground burst into flame, high arcs nearly reaching the ceiling.

Arbun jumped. “Holy shit, that was a good one.”

“You like that?”

“Scared me at first, but fuck yes! Okay, back into character.”

“Right-right.” He cleared his throat. “If I can do all this, you can only imagine what I can do to _you_.”

“Hmph! Give me your best shot!”

Kylo unclasped his cloak and shrugged out of it. It fell in a whoosh onto the floor. Free of its bindings, he stalked her once again, this time trailing his hand over her midsection as he circled her. When he faced her again, he sunk his fingers into her hair and tugged her head back. “I’ll _give_ you my best shot, alright.” He hissed in a wad of air and breathed his words right outside her ear. “So deep inside you. Give yourself to me.”

“Never!”

Kylo trailed his tongue up her neck, then raked his teeth down, eliciting a soft cry from her. His other hand at her throat, he sang in a deep and dangerous manner, “Give yourself to me…”

Arbun grunted in failing restraint. “Your dark power and…enormous, hard pecs are too much—no! I will resist you!”

Kylo sucked in a breath. “Have it your way.” He drew both his hands back. Red sparks crackled over his fingers, reflecting bright red onto his palms. “Last chance.”

“Do your worst!”

He lifted her high into the air and trailed his (now faintly) sparking fingers from her feet, all up her legs, and higher as he drifted her back down. The tingling sensation made her hairs stand on end, and she cooed so sweetly in delight.

Kylo slipped behind her and smoothed his hands along her body, from her hips up, every so often adding a little tingle of a spark to make her jump and sigh. He kept it light, just as the level she liked, and he could feel her melting against him. “You can’t resist me,” he murmured into her ear and nipped at her lobe. “You know you can’t.”

“You’re right, I can’t.”

“Give yourself to me. All of you.”

“Okay.”

He raked his fingers up her sides and grasped her breasts. “Sayyy it. I want to hear you say it. I want your worship and dedication to fall from your lips. Only then will I give you what you want.”

“Give it to me, my Dark Lord. Fuck me into the next century with your big fucking cock and your mountain of muscles and all that floofy hair I just want to rub between my boobs and ride you into the next galaxy!”

Kylo grinned. “Oh shit.”

“Let my arm go,” she whispered, and he release the energetic hold. Then he felt her hand slide over his leather pants, grasp his oh-so-very hard manhood, and stroke it with a tight squeeze.

“Oooooh, you can’t resist your Dark Lord, can you?”

“Not when he has one of these.” She slid her hand inside his pants and made full contact.

While she stroked him into a joyous tension, he panted against her neck and quickly undid his pants to give her easier access. Breaths turned to sweet little pecks, and pecks turned to mouthy kisses. He traced his tongue up and down the trail of her blood vessels where all that vitality pumped through her. Sometimes he wished he could just drink from her, taste the energy as her blood lingered on his tongue, but he’d never want to see her hurt and left it as a vague fantasy.

In the meantime, he bit down until she gasped, right at that moment between pleasure and pain, and savored that lustful, tense energy that always arose as a result. His Darkness would be fed. Not all that it wanted, but just enough to sustain the beast while keeping him under control. He kissed the little indents away, always so appreciative that she let him explore this side of himself.

Kylo stepped back and spun her to face him. He drew her hand from his manhood and kissed it before gathering the energy for what was to come next. With a deep inhale, he lifted himself into the air with her and lay back on a bed of Force. He drew her up and over him, flipping her around for easy access. Her feminine center now in his face, and Arbun licking stripes up his needy manhood already, he grasped onto her and planted his mouth over her already wet heat.

While he teased her bud into attention, she sunk right down on him. Damn, she did that so well, her tongue flicking at the tip every time she came up, combining slippery sliding with deep suckles. Fuck, she could make him come in seconds if he wasn’t so busy trying to please her and keep them both afloat.

Good, because he wanted this to last and needed to push himself to his limits.

He slid his long, thick fingers into her while his tongue became relentless. Her pleasure sounded in high-pitched moans that vibrated his most sensitive region and drove him crazy. And to keep from reaching his edge, he maddeningly tried to make her reach hers, suckling up and down with his thick lips, trying to mimic what she was doing to him.

“Ky pause!” she said after popping off.

He breathed against her sweet musk. “Close already, love?”

“You’re too good.”

His pride fluffed its feathers. “So are you. I’m glad I’m so busy concentrating on other things, because you just feel too good.” He breathed against her and nudged her outer lips with his nose. “You suck my cock like you worship it.”

She kissed up its length. “I do. It makes me feel so good. In fact…” She gave another wet dance with her tongue over its tip. “I think I want it, all of it, deep inside me, fucking me like the beast you are.”

Her scent and her call made a growl rumble in his chest. If you awoke Beast Kylo, you got devoured until _he_ was good and done.

Kylo spun them both in a weightless dance until they faced one another. Firelight danced off their dew-sparkled skin, and something about the archaic nature of this element called the wild beast further to the surface. He eyed her supple body, smooth hills and soft mounds, just begging to be consumed.

With a growl, he curled his upper lip to bare his teeth. “If it’s the beast you want, it’s the beast you’re going to get.”

Arbun grasped her ample breasts and pressed them together. “Take me.”

Snarl curling into a full roar, he clamped down on her neck and stopped the monster from biting too hard. Just enough, yes, he was in control of the beast, and it would as it was told, not the other way around. Amidst growling breaths, he gnawed and licked, a feast of soft flesh and primal heat. Arbun cooed and moaned, paralyzed by his ravenous possession of her body.

Her neck, her breasts, her chest, all were tasted and savored for he could not get enough. She finally broke free from the spell enough to rake her hands into his hair, gripping and pulling him closer when he tried to break away. At another nip of her neck, she reached down and clawed angry red stripes into his back.

The pleasure mixed with pain lit him on fire, and he knew he would have everything that she was. He gripped her hair once more and tugged back, bearing her neck. Mouth planted on her pulse point, the Dark monster inside drank of her vital energy and filled him with erotic magma. Finding her drenched heat, Kylo plunged deep inside her and bucked his hips at a maddening pace.

Yes, this is what the beast wanted. This is what he cries for in the night. In the lonely darkness he begs for a hint of light, and when it comes, he must devour it and make it his own, if only to survive another cold, wintry night.

But Arbun’s light was ever flowing, always giving, and he could drink of her waters whenever he pleased. Her perpetual love and understanding filled the beast until he was sleepy and content.

They weren’t there yet.

Kylo grasped her breasts while thrusting into her and used more of his energy to excite her nub once more.

“Fuck, Ky! Look at you, so fucking gorgeous.”

“Yeah? What do I look like?”

“Your eyes are so golden and glowing and furious. Your black hair is like a crown of midnight surrounding you. The fire flashing on your rocky-ass chest is so fucking sexy. You are a god, Ky. A god of sex and fire and lightning and everything hot and dangerous and sexy.”

Fuck fuck _fuck_! She had no idea what she was doing to him, but he was filling with even more power than before, enough that his skin was burning hot, his cock driven and masterful, and all around him the Darkness pooled like a chamber of all desires fulfilled at once.

Charged with such energy, he leaned back from her while still pounding away, lifted them even higher in the rage room to give himself plenty of clearance, and spread his arms out to either side.

He’d show her his power. He’d show her a god.

Red lightning crackling along his arms into his hands, he clenched his fists and thrust them back open. Dancing plasma waves of intense red spread around them, and filled with an endless supply of energy and his own thrill to test beyond his borders, he willed the energy to take shape. It swirled into a ball around them, red light shimmering across their skin.

Could he take it further?

Passion, pain, anger, fear, hatred. He knew the source of all in his life and drew upon them to compel the energy to spin around them in a rolling carousel of dangerous electrical arcs.

“Ky!” Arbun’s eyes were wide with awe and excitement. “Holy shit!”

But he wasn’t done. No, he was not done being a god.

Bucking into her, salivating as he hissed breaths between his teeth, he spread the Force around her like a thousand hands and stroked, vibrated, teased, and tantalized all at once. Arbun gasped and tossed her head back as every point of pleasure burst alive at once.

“Ky!” she cried.

“Come, baby,” he commanded. “Come for me. Come nice and hard and let me show you my full power!”

“Kyyyy!”

“Yes! Do it!”

Arbun screamed as her body entered a full bucking spasm of an orgasm so intense she just kept crying out, nearly sobbing.

And he felt it squeezing against his cock in such a furious wave that he filled with more power than he ever held before.

With a roar of his impending orgasm, he released the wave of energy and burst a massive wave of fire all around the perimeter of the rage room, the red lightning blasting out to join it. Orange glow and jittering red thrust the room into a Mustafar hell scene.

He felt like a fucking _god_! And for a moment there, it did not want to leave. For a moment he almost understood the desires of his old master, for he felt exalted in his utter mastery of the Darkness.

Then his orgasm pulled him into its wave like the ocean, tumbling him in utter heaven and exploding release. He clutched Arbun’s body to his and rode it out while roaring into her shoulder, he now in racking sobs. It was the most intense it had ever been, so much it almost scared him how powerful it had become.

And he had to hold on to her, for dear life, to keep him safe and collected back into himself, to pull him back from the brink, back from the jaw of the beast.

Her light, maybe not that of the Force, but of her own genuine nature, called him back home from the forest of the night. Her touch, her stroking fingers in his hair, her legs still wrapped around him, holding him tightly against her, her sweet whispers and soft kisses.

It was frightening to walk the Dark Wood, even if you were its master.

Breathing, gaining control of himself, he floated them back down and over to the bed. He clenched his fist to extinguish the torches and any other fires that still lingered about after his blast. But once his body hit the mattress, he gladly let go of all mastery of power.

At its height, it felt like nothing could ever compare, but now he was just glad to release it, be free of it. Be back to simply being Kylo, just a man in love with the woman in his arms.

He panted while he held her, his skin still so hot, sweat barely doing the job of cooling him down. Arbun blew on his chest, making him chuckle.

“You okay there, Ky-bear?”

“Yeah,” he panted. “I’ll be okay. Just…intense.”

“I’ll say. That was craaaazy.”

He swallowed, still trying to funnel the heat out of his body. “You okay? I didn’t scare you or hurt you, did I?”

“No, not at all. I mean, that last fire blast, holy shit I thought you were going to take the building down.”

He laughed. “Nah, those V-8-R panels will stand up to anything.”

She kissed up his crimson chest. “You did it, though. You used so much power, but you’re still okay. Right? You’re not feeling sick or anything, are you?”

“No I…I feel great! Tired yeah, but not in that way.” He flexed his hands and feet. “I still feel everything. And the monitor Ben stuck under my comm bracelet isn’t flipping out or anything. I’m just _hot_ as hell. Whew!”

“I guess it’s like overloading a wire, it gets hot. Why don’t you take a drink, cool yourself down a bit?”

“Good idea.” He floated one bottle of water over to himself and downed it in a few giant gulps. Then he plopped back down and finally felt the heat start to subside.

Arbun nuzzled under his chin. “I love you, Ky. Every single thing about you.”

Kylo smiled and sighed, his body finally calming. “I love you too, so…so damn much it hurts yet always feels so good.” He kissed her forehead and nestled his nose into her hair.

All that physical labor and flinging Force took its toll, and he was asleep in barely a minute.

Kylo woke and stared at the light filtering in through the transparasteel windows in the rage room. “Oh shit.”

Arbun popped her head up with a sharp intake of breath. “Ky?”

He checked the time on his comm. “Oh holy crap, it’s morning. We slept out here all night.”

She chuckled and nudged back into his chest. “We wore ourselves out, you especially.”

“Yeah, but I should have had Mel…” He didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to bring it up after the incredible night they had.

Arbun shrugged. “I guess you didn’t need her.”

She was right. He slept soundly, dreamless. Whether it was the intense workout or having Arbun by his side, he had been safe.

Ever since the module thing started, he’d been calm through the night. And maybe he’d just continue to be. Maybe whatever was wrong with him was fixed by the cure.

Stars, he hoped so. Finally, he could have that normal life he had been aching for.

Kylo closed his eyes, nestled back down with the woman he loved, and made his decision.

It was time to live free of his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has some serious command of those powers now, hm? And he sure does like to play with it with his shirt off *waggling eyebrows* For those interested, the powers I've been using ARE canon (Force Fire, Force Wind, both Dark Side powers via Wookieepedia), so I promise I'm not just making stuff up. And apparently red lightning is an actual phenomenon. I was only looking for photo references expecting photoshop just to find it was a real thing!
> 
> Poor Ky had one of his bad moments :( As much as we love Arbun, I couldn't make her TOO perfect, and as much as we all love Melanie, I imagine it could be hard for some to accept their boyfriend's robot girlfriend keeping watch all night. 
> 
> The "prick is armed and dangerous" part was a reference to the movie Porky's which was the first raunchy comedy that came to my mind, at least good for a quote that Kylo would not understand at first.
> 
> Next episode is going to be a biggie and an important arc (plus there will be art!) so not sure if it will be available next week or the week after. I want to make sure to take care and not rush it, so I do humbly ask your kind reader patience in its creation :) 
> 
> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/shannon_enloe) @shannon_enloe and [ Facebook](https://fb.me/enloeddmedia) @enloeddmedia and [Tumblr](https://enloeddmedia.tumblr.com/) enloeddmedia


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